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-Hey. -Thanks for that year-over-year maintenance cost analysis. Really helpful. | 0:00:02 | 0:00:05 | |
You're so welcome. I was thinking of you when I wrote it. Cos I was... | 0:00:05 | 0:00:10 | |
-Cos I told you I wanted to read it? -Yeah. -It's a good reason. | 0:00:10 | 0:00:14 | |
Oh, anyway, Chris wants to see us in his office. | 0:00:14 | 0:00:17 | |
-I guess we should head over there. -All right. -All right. | 0:00:17 | 0:00:19 | |
-Cool. -Great. -See you there. -I'll see you there, Benjamin. Ben. | 0:00:19 | 0:00:22 | |
All right, Leslie-min. Leslie. | 0:00:22 | 0:00:25 | |
Hi, Ben. | 0:00:26 | 0:00:28 | |
Oh, hey, Ann. | 0:00:28 | 0:00:29 | |
Wow! That was the most sexual tension | 0:00:31 | 0:00:34 | |
I have ever seen in a conversation about documents. | 0:00:34 | 0:00:37 | |
It can't happen. We could both get fired. | 0:00:37 | 0:00:39 | |
-That's a dumb rule. -I know! | 0:00:39 | 0:00:41 | |
Well, if you have to follow it, I would just suggest | 0:00:41 | 0:00:43 | |
avoiding one-on-one, tension-y situations with him. | 0:00:43 | 0:00:48 | |
You're right. Good plan. | 0:00:48 | 0:00:50 | |
I am sending you two on a trip. | 0:00:50 | 0:00:52 | |
BOTH: Really? | 0:00:53 | 0:00:54 | |
The Indiana little league baseball tournament is upon us, | 0:00:54 | 0:00:57 | |
and Pawnee hasn't hosted it in 20 years. | 0:00:57 | 0:00:59 | |
So, I would like you two to go to Indianapolis and state our case, | 0:00:59 | 0:01:03 | |
because you two are my dynamic duo. | 0:01:03 | 0:01:06 | |
Put it here. Eh, eh-eh, eh... | 0:01:06 | 0:01:10 | |
-Go, team! -Yeah. | 0:01:10 | 0:01:11 | |
Ann, everything you have is too sexy. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:33 | |
This is actually the dress that Julia Roberts wore as a prostitute in Pretty Woman. | 0:01:33 | 0:01:36 | |
I know. I look really good in it. | 0:01:36 | 0:01:39 | |
I need a sweat suit or something. | 0:01:39 | 0:01:40 | |
I need to send out a signal that nothing is gonna happen. | 0:01:40 | 0:01:42 | |
Oh, this is insane. | 0:01:42 | 0:01:44 | |
It's so obvious you're dying to be together. | 0:01:44 | 0:01:47 | |
And now you're going on a road trip? | 0:01:47 | 0:01:48 | |
I mean, you guys could literally "get a room." | 0:01:48 | 0:01:50 | |
Yeah, and I could literally get a-fired. | 0:01:50 | 0:01:52 | |
All right, I will help you anti-seduce him. | 0:01:52 | 0:01:54 | |
Just tell me what else you need. | 0:01:54 | 0:01:56 | |
I need to think of unsexy, boring conversation topics | 0:01:56 | 0:01:59 | |
we can talk about in the car. | 0:01:59 | 0:02:00 | |
I have a few ideas. | 0:02:00 | 0:02:02 | |
We could discuss the New Yorker article The History Of The Ladder. | 0:02:02 | 0:02:05 | |
-OK. -We could talk about different dorms | 0:02:05 | 0:02:08 | |
at Johns Hopkins University, | 0:02:08 | 0:02:09 | |
and I could read from my Sonicare booklet. | 0:02:09 | 0:02:12 | |
-Oh, I have a good idea! -What? | 0:02:12 | 0:02:14 | |
Why don't you ask him about his penis? | 0:02:14 | 0:02:16 | |
PHONE RINGS | 0:02:18 | 0:02:19 | |
Pawnee Zoo, monkey speaking. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:21 | |
HE MIMICS MONKEY CHATTER | 0:02:21 | 0:02:23 | |
OK, everyone stop what you're doing and come with me - all four of you. | 0:02:23 | 0:02:27 | |
-Where are you going? -Leslie's not here today. | 0:02:27 | 0:02:29 | |
No boss. We can do whatever we want. | 0:02:29 | 0:02:31 | |
I'M your boss. | 0:02:31 | 0:02:32 | |
HE LAUGHS That's a good one, Ron. | 0:02:32 | 0:02:34 | |
Let's go, seriously. Come on. | 0:02:34 | 0:02:36 | |
Here's the sitch. | 0:02:36 | 0:02:38 | |
I developed a dope new game show | 0:02:38 | 0:02:40 | |
where I ask couples scandalous questions, | 0:02:40 | 0:02:41 | |
and they have to guess what the other one answered. | 0:02:41 | 0:02:44 | |
I call this Know Ya Boo. | 0:02:44 | 0:02:46 | |
Oh, that sounds like The Newlywed Game. | 0:02:46 | 0:02:48 | |
Shut up, Jerry! It's not The Newlywed Game, OK? | 0:02:48 | 0:02:50 | |
It is totally The Newlywed Game. | 0:02:50 | 0:02:53 | |
But big deal. Everyone steals. | 0:02:53 | 0:02:55 | |
My favourite movie is Love Don't Cost A Thing, with Nick Cannon, | 0:02:55 | 0:02:57 | |
which is based on Can't Buy Me Love, | 0:02:57 | 0:02:59 | |
which is based on Kramer Vs. Kramer or something, which I think was Shakespeare. | 0:02:59 | 0:03:03 | |
Don't know, don't care. | 0:03:03 | 0:03:05 | |
And what exactly do you plan on doing with this game-show idea? | 0:03:05 | 0:03:07 | |
Are you going to shove it up your butt? | 0:03:07 | 0:03:10 | |
No, I'm gonna test it out on you four bing-bongs | 0:03:10 | 0:03:12 | |
and work out the kinks, | 0:03:12 | 0:03:13 | |
then hire actual attractive people and make a demo. | 0:03:13 | 0:03:16 | |
What network is gonna buy a game show from you? | 0:03:16 | 0:03:18 | |
There's a million networks out there and they all need programming. | 0:03:18 | 0:03:21 | |
Spike, G4, GSN, Fuse, | 0:03:21 | 0:03:24 | |
WoW, Boom, Zip, Kablam, | 0:03:24 | 0:03:25 | |
Slurp, Slurp Latin, Slurp HD. | 0:03:25 | 0:03:28 | |
I love Slurp HD. | 0:03:28 | 0:03:29 | |
Have you guys seen Ultimate Battle Smoothie? | 0:03:29 | 0:03:31 | |
-That's a dope show. -Oh, my God. | 0:03:31 | 0:03:33 | |
Yeah, so, basically, every dorm allows bed lofting | 0:03:33 | 0:03:35 | |
but the students have really taken to it at Wolman and McCoy. | 0:03:35 | 0:03:38 | |
Did you go to Johns Hopkins? | 0:03:38 | 0:03:40 | |
No. | 0:03:40 | 0:03:42 | |
Do you wanna play some music? | 0:03:43 | 0:03:45 | |
Sure! Ann and I burned an awesome CD for the trip. | 0:03:45 | 0:03:48 | |
Jimmy Carter's Crisis of Confidence speech, | 0:03:48 | 0:03:50 | |
Learning To Speak Mandarin, | 0:03:50 | 0:03:52 | |
16 minutes of old-timey car horn, | 0:03:52 | 0:03:55 | |
and something called Banjo Boogie Bonanza. | 0:03:55 | 0:03:59 | |
BANJO MUSIC | 0:03:59 | 0:04:02 | |
It's an amazing instrument, the banjo. | 0:04:03 | 0:04:06 | |
Yeah. I didn't realise it could be this loud. | 0:04:06 | 0:04:08 | |
Hello? | 0:04:12 | 0:04:14 | |
Hello? | 0:04:14 | 0:04:15 | |
Can I help you? | 0:04:15 | 0:04:17 | |
Hi. My class is here on a field trip, | 0:04:17 | 0:04:19 | |
-and I'm supposed to interview someone for a school project. -OK. | 0:04:19 | 0:04:22 | |
You can wait at that table, | 0:04:22 | 0:04:24 | |
and someone will be here sometime. | 0:04:24 | 0:04:28 | |
But aren't you here now? | 0:04:28 | 0:04:30 | |
No. | 0:04:31 | 0:04:32 | |
# Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na | 0:04:34 | 0:04:36 | |
# It's time to know ya... # | 0:04:36 | 0:04:38 | |
I don't have the instrumental backing track yet, but it'll say "boo" there. | 0:04:40 | 0:04:43 | |
CANNED APPLAUSE PLAYS Hey, everybody! Welcome Know Ya Boo. | 0:04:43 | 0:04:46 | |
I'm your host, Tom Haverford, | 0:04:46 | 0:04:48 | |
and with me as always is my CGI puppy co-host | 0:04:48 | 0:04:51 | |
Bobby the Boo! | 0:04:51 | 0:04:53 | |
Woof-woof! Hey, everybody! | 0:04:53 | 0:04:54 | |
All right, let's get to it. | 0:04:54 | 0:04:56 | |
First question - fellas, which rock star would your lady bang | 0:04:56 | 0:05:01 | |
if she could bang one rock star? | 0:05:01 | 0:05:03 | |
Jerry! | 0:05:03 | 0:05:04 | |
I believe I have heard Donna talk about Prince a lot. | 0:05:04 | 0:05:09 | |
What'd your boo say? | 0:05:09 | 0:05:10 | |
Ah! APPLAUSE | 0:05:10 | 0:05:13 | |
Impressive! | 0:05:13 | 0:05:14 | |
All right, Andy, which rock star would your lady get with? | 0:05:14 | 0:05:17 | |
Um, this is almost too easy - me! | 0:05:17 | 0:05:20 | |
Let's check in with your boo! | 0:05:20 | 0:05:22 | |
-Yay! -Oh! | 0:05:22 | 0:05:24 | |
CANNED AUDIENCE GROAN Sorry. | 0:05:24 | 0:05:26 | |
Who is Jeff Mangum? | 0:05:26 | 0:05:28 | |
The guy from Neutral Milk Hotel. | 0:05:28 | 0:05:29 | |
Oh! Oh. | 0:05:29 | 0:05:31 | |
Neutral Milk Hotel. What is that? | 0:05:31 | 0:05:34 | |
That's my favourite band. I've told you that, like, a thousand times. | 0:05:34 | 0:05:36 | |
I don't remember. Why wouldn't you pick me? | 0:05:36 | 0:05:39 | |
I don't know. You're not technically a rock star. | 0:05:39 | 0:05:41 | |
"AUDIENCE" GASPS Boo-yah! | 0:05:41 | 0:05:43 | |
Somebody don't know their boo! | 0:05:43 | 0:05:45 | |
That's the sound bite that's gonna play when a fight breaks out. | 0:05:45 | 0:05:47 | |
Look, little girl, | 0:05:48 | 0:05:50 | |
can we postpone this for another day? | 0:05:50 | 0:05:52 | |
It's unsettling having you just sit there. | 0:05:52 | 0:05:54 | |
But my report's due tomorrow. | 0:05:54 | 0:05:56 | |
-What's it on? -Why government matters. | 0:05:56 | 0:05:58 | |
Really? | 0:05:58 | 0:06:00 | |
It's never too early to learn that the government is a greedy piglet | 0:06:00 | 0:06:04 | |
that suckles on a taxpayer's teat | 0:06:04 | 0:06:06 | |
until they have sore, chapped nipples. | 0:06:06 | 0:06:09 | |
I'm gonna need a different metaphor to give this nine-year-old. | 0:06:12 | 0:06:15 | |
What's your name, ma'am? | 0:06:15 | 0:06:17 | |
Lauren Berkus. | 0:06:17 | 0:06:18 | |
Lauren, my name is Ron Swanson, | 0:06:18 | 0:06:21 | |
and I'm gonna tell you everything you need to know | 0:06:21 | 0:06:24 | |
about the miserable, screwed-up world of local government. | 0:06:24 | 0:06:27 | |
You have mustard in your moustache. | 0:06:27 | 0:06:29 | |
Don't sass me, Berkus. Let's get started. | 0:06:29 | 0:06:32 | |
"Life, liberty, and property." That's John Locke. | 0:06:32 | 0:06:37 | |
WHALE CALLING PLAYS | 0:06:37 | 0:06:39 | |
What is this? | 0:06:39 | 0:06:41 | |
Whale sounds. | 0:06:41 | 0:06:42 | |
OK. | 0:06:42 | 0:06:43 | |
You can change it if you want. | 0:06:43 | 0:06:45 | |
Yeah? | 0:06:45 | 0:06:47 | |
MUSIC: "Let's Stay Together" by Al Green | 0:06:47 | 0:06:49 | |
What the hell? | 0:06:49 | 0:06:50 | |
Oh, no, no, no. This is such a great song. | 0:06:50 | 0:06:52 | |
Yeah, I snuck an Al Green song in there. | 0:06:53 | 0:06:56 | |
I want them to get together. Sue me. | 0:06:56 | 0:06:59 | |
Did you see this? According to their rules, | 0:06:59 | 0:07:01 | |
we may not have enough hotel rooms within city limits. | 0:07:01 | 0:07:04 | |
I know. It's a silly rule. | 0:07:04 | 0:07:05 | |
But maybe they'll be reasonable and not care. | 0:07:05 | 0:07:08 | |
Yeah, maybe we could just point out to them | 0:07:08 | 0:07:09 | |
there are tons of hotel rooms just outside city limits. | 0:07:09 | 0:07:11 | |
Uh-huh. | 0:07:11 | 0:07:13 | |
Have you been to the Grandville Hotel and Spa? | 0:07:13 | 0:07:15 | |
-Uh-uh. -They have the softest towels. | 0:07:15 | 0:07:18 | |
-Oh, I gotta tell ya. I love a nice towel in my life. -Me too. I know. | 0:07:18 | 0:07:21 | |
I mean, it's the simplest luxury, but it makes all the difference. | 0:07:21 | 0:07:24 | |
Their bath mats are amazing. | 0:07:24 | 0:07:25 | |
It's like stepping on a lamb. | 0:07:25 | 0:07:27 | |
LAUGHTER | 0:07:27 | 0:07:29 | |
Oh, hold on. Hey, come here. | 0:07:29 | 0:07:32 | |
You've got an eyelash on your face. | 0:07:32 | 0:07:36 | |
I got it. Make a wish. | 0:07:36 | 0:07:38 | |
'Learning To Speak Mandarin. Unit three...' | 0:07:38 | 0:07:40 | |
-Get away from me. -Sorry. | 0:07:40 | 0:07:42 | |
-I'm sorry. -Sorry. | 0:07:42 | 0:07:43 | |
-Um... -Um... | 0:07:43 | 0:07:45 | |
I'm allergic to fingers. | 0:07:45 | 0:07:46 | |
'Where are you going?' | 0:07:46 | 0:07:48 | |
Maybe we should just not talk to each other for the rest of the trip, | 0:07:48 | 0:07:51 | |
-and I'm just gonna concentrate on the presentation. -OK. | 0:07:51 | 0:07:55 | |
'This is my little brother.' | 0:07:55 | 0:07:57 | |
Next up... The delegation from Pawnee, please. | 0:07:58 | 0:08:02 | |
And, so, as you can see, Pawnee has 12 beautiful baseball diamonds, | 0:08:02 | 0:08:07 | |
and our seats have extra cushioning | 0:08:07 | 0:08:09 | |
due to the massive size of our average citizen. | 0:08:09 | 0:08:12 | |
I have to bring up what happened last time Pawnee hosted this tournament. | 0:08:12 | 0:08:16 | |
No, you don't. | 0:08:16 | 0:08:17 | |
Good evening. We begin with our first story tonight. | 0:08:17 | 0:08:20 | |
They're cute, they're cuddly, | 0:08:20 | 0:08:22 | |
but now they're wreaking havoc at the State Little League Championship. | 0:08:22 | 0:08:25 | |
Pawnee's raccoon infestation. | 0:08:25 | 0:08:27 | |
CHILDREN SCREAM | 0:08:27 | 0:08:29 | |
Have these little bandits stolen our sense of safety? | 0:08:29 | 0:08:32 | |
The raccoon problem is under control. | 0:08:32 | 0:08:34 | |
They have their part of the town and we have ours. | 0:08:34 | 0:08:37 | |
Muncie is larger. Bloomington is more central. | 0:08:37 | 0:08:40 | |
What's the advantage of doing it in Pawnee? | 0:08:40 | 0:08:42 | |
The advantage is that it's a wonderful city. | 0:08:42 | 0:08:46 | |
I mean, look, I've been to 40-some-odd towns in Indiana, | 0:08:46 | 0:08:50 | |
and Pawnee is special. | 0:08:50 | 0:08:52 | |
I mean, the people are passionate and kind. | 0:08:52 | 0:08:54 | |
They love their city. | 0:08:54 | 0:08:56 | |
They take pride in their work. | 0:08:56 | 0:09:00 | |
It's a very, very special place. | 0:09:00 | 0:09:03 | |
JINGLE PLAYS | 0:09:04 | 0:09:07 | |
Hey, it's Tom Haverford back here with Know Ya Boo. | 0:09:07 | 0:09:09 | |
Let's move to the next question. | 0:09:09 | 0:09:11 | |
Where is your favourite place to smush ya boo? | 0:09:11 | 0:09:15 | |
-Donna! -Back of my Benz? | 0:09:15 | 0:09:17 | |
Let's check in with ya boo! | 0:09:17 | 0:09:19 | |
Her said her Mercedes! | 0:09:19 | 0:09:20 | |
THEY LAUGH AND CHEER | 0:09:20 | 0:09:22 | |
Jerry and Donna on fire. | 0:09:22 | 0:09:24 | |
-April? -This question is gross. | 0:09:24 | 0:09:26 | |
That's kind of the point. What's your answer? | 0:09:26 | 0:09:29 | |
-In our bed, I guess. -Andy? | 0:09:29 | 0:09:32 | |
Where's your boo's favourite place to smush? | 0:09:32 | 0:09:34 | |
At the Neutral Milk Hotel. | 0:09:34 | 0:09:36 | |
-Get over it. -you get over it. You like some other dude's band more. | 0:09:36 | 0:09:39 | |
Do you even think Mouse Rat is the greatest band in the world? | 0:09:39 | 0:09:42 | |
-It's starting to not feel that way. -That band is really important to me, | 0:09:42 | 0:09:45 | |
and, honestly, I've asked you to listen to them, like, a million times, and you never have, so... | 0:09:45 | 0:09:48 | |
Cos their music is sad, and depressing, and weird. | 0:09:48 | 0:09:50 | |
And art is supposed to be happy and fun, | 0:09:50 | 0:09:53 | |
and everyone knows that. | 0:09:53 | 0:09:55 | |
You know what? Whatever. Forget it. | 0:09:55 | 0:09:56 | |
CANNED AUDIENCE GROANS | 0:09:56 | 0:09:58 | |
Fine, forget it. | 0:09:58 | 0:10:00 | |
Damn! This game's got juice. | 0:10:00 | 0:10:02 | |
This is your lunch. | 0:10:02 | 0:10:04 | |
Now, you should be able to do whatever you want to with this, right? | 0:10:05 | 0:10:09 | |
If you wanna eat all of it, great. | 0:10:09 | 0:10:11 | |
If you wanna throw it away in the garbage, that's your prerogative. | 0:10:11 | 0:10:14 | |
But here I come, the government... | 0:10:14 | 0:10:17 | |
And I get to take 40% of your lunch. | 0:10:20 | 0:10:23 | |
And that, Lauren, is how taxes work. | 0:10:25 | 0:10:28 | |
-But that's not fair. -You're learning. | 0:10:28 | 0:10:30 | |
Uh-oh, Capital Gains Tax. | 0:10:30 | 0:10:34 | |
Well, Chris says congratulations | 0:10:35 | 0:10:37 | |
and that together we're unstoppable. | 0:10:37 | 0:10:40 | |
-Wow, cheers, sir! -Yup. | 0:10:40 | 0:10:41 | |
-You did it. -No, you did it. | 0:10:41 | 0:10:43 | |
No, normally I do it. | 0:10:43 | 0:10:45 | |
This time you did it. | 0:10:45 | 0:10:46 | |
-No. -You should take the praise. | 0:10:46 | 0:10:48 | |
Can I get a shot of you guys? | 0:10:48 | 0:10:49 | |
-Yeah. -Sure. | 0:10:49 | 0:10:51 | |
Er, hey, when this thing's over, do you wanna grab some dinner? | 0:10:52 | 0:10:55 | |
Er, Chris recommended a place. | 0:10:55 | 0:10:57 | |
-Sure. -Yeah? | 0:10:57 | 0:11:00 | |
Um, hey, we were thinking about going to dinner, photographer. | 0:11:00 | 0:11:03 | |
You want in? You wanna grab some grub? | 0:11:03 | 0:11:05 | |
-Er, no, thanks. -They have great burgers. | 0:11:05 | 0:11:08 | |
Well, you don't even know where we're going yet, so... | 0:11:08 | 0:11:10 | |
I'm sure they have great burgers there, though. | 0:11:10 | 0:11:12 | |
Come on, photographer. Last chance. | 0:11:12 | 0:11:14 | |
-SHE SIGHS -Uh, OK. | 0:11:14 | 0:11:16 | |
Well, then, it's just us, then. | 0:11:16 | 0:11:17 | |
-Yeah. -Sure. OK. I tried. | 0:11:17 | 0:11:20 | |
And that, Lauren, is how FDR ruined this country. | 0:11:20 | 0:11:24 | |
Lauren, ready to head back? | 0:11:24 | 0:11:26 | |
Well, I guess it's time for you to head home. | 0:11:26 | 0:11:29 | |
I've really enjoyed talking with you. | 0:11:29 | 0:11:31 | |
You are - and this is not a joke - | 0:11:31 | 0:11:33 | |
much smarter than most of the people | 0:11:33 | 0:11:35 | |
who work in this building. | 0:11:35 | 0:11:36 | |
-I liked talking with you, too, Mr Swanson. -Ron. | 0:11:36 | 0:11:40 | |
Hang on, hang on, I have something for you. | 0:11:40 | 0:11:43 | |
This is a Claymore land mine. | 0:11:45 | 0:11:48 | |
Use that to protect your property. | 0:11:48 | 0:11:50 | |
-Thanks, Ron. -You got it. | 0:11:50 | 0:11:53 | |
Tommy Hilfiger iPhone app - finally. | 0:11:55 | 0:11:58 | |
Hey, your stupid Know Ya Boo game made me and Andy get in a big fight. | 0:11:58 | 0:12:02 | |
He just sold his guitar and he's, like, quitting music now. | 0:12:02 | 0:12:05 | |
What do you want me to do about it? | 0:12:05 | 0:12:07 | |
OK, welcome to the super-awesome bonus lightning round. | 0:12:07 | 0:12:10 | |
First question... | 0:12:10 | 0:12:12 | |
Andy, who did your boo say | 0:12:12 | 0:12:13 | |
makes the best mac and cheese in the universe? | 0:12:13 | 0:12:16 | |
-HE SIGHS -The universe? | 0:12:16 | 0:12:19 | |
Ooh. | 0:12:19 | 0:12:20 | |
Kraft? | 0:12:20 | 0:12:22 | |
April said... | 0:12:22 | 0:12:23 | |
Andy! | 0:12:23 | 0:12:25 | |
-Aw! -Best couple ever. You just won 50 points. | 0:12:25 | 0:12:27 | |
Wait, why? We got it wrong. | 0:12:27 | 0:12:29 | |
Next lightning round thing. | 0:12:29 | 0:12:31 | |
Who is the number one Colts fan in the world? | 0:12:31 | 0:12:35 | |
Wait a minute. | 0:12:37 | 0:12:38 | |
You set this whole thing up so I would be un-mad at you. | 0:12:38 | 0:12:40 | |
Well, guess what, ain't gonna work. | 0:12:40 | 0:12:42 | |
You figured out April's trying to trick you. | 0:12:42 | 0:12:44 | |
That's worth 100 points. | 0:12:44 | 0:12:46 | |
-HE LAUGHS -Wait, no. | 0:12:46 | 0:12:49 | |
Goodbye. | 0:12:49 | 0:12:51 | |
LESLIE GIGGLES | 0:12:51 | 0:12:53 | |
You were really great in that presentation today. | 0:12:54 | 0:12:56 | |
-Oh, thanks. -I liked the stuff you said about Pawnee. | 0:12:56 | 0:12:59 | |
That was really nice to hear. | 0:12:59 | 0:13:01 | |
You know, Pawnee is a really special town. I, er, love living there. | 0:13:01 | 0:13:05 | |
And, um... | 0:13:05 | 0:13:08 | |
And I look forward to the moments in my day | 0:13:08 | 0:13:10 | |
where I... Where I get to hang out with the town | 0:13:10 | 0:13:14 | |
and talk to the town about stuff. | 0:13:14 | 0:13:17 | |
And the town has really nice blonde hair, too, | 0:13:17 | 0:13:19 | |
and has read a shocking number of political biographies | 0:13:19 | 0:13:22 | |
for a town, which I like. | 0:13:22 | 0:13:24 | |
-Oh, God. -I'm sorry. | 0:13:24 | 0:13:26 | |
And I know we can get into trouble, | 0:13:26 | 0:13:28 | |
but I-I-I can't take this any more, | 0:13:28 | 0:13:30 | |
and I feel like we have to at least talk about it. | 0:13:30 | 0:13:33 | |
I mean, it's not just me, right? | 0:13:33 | 0:13:35 | |
No, it's not just you. | 0:13:36 | 0:13:38 | |
-Oh, God. -What? Are you... -Ugh. | 0:13:42 | 0:13:45 | |
-Are you all right? -Perfect. I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean? | 0:13:45 | 0:13:49 | |
I'm not buying cocaine. I'm going to the bathroom. | 0:13:49 | 0:13:51 | |
The whiz palace, as I like to call it. And I'm not calling Ann, so... | 0:13:51 | 0:13:54 | |
Ann, we have a serious code Ben. | 0:13:54 | 0:13:57 | |
Well, it's not really code if you say his name. | 0:13:57 | 0:13:58 | |
He told me that he liked me. | 0:13:58 | 0:13:59 | |
And I'm gonna go make out with him right now, on his face. | 0:13:59 | 0:14:03 | |
-That's awesome! -No, no, read me the script. | 0:14:03 | 0:14:06 | |
-'Seriously?' -Yes! | 0:14:06 | 0:14:08 | |
All right. "Leslie, it's Leslie Knope from the Parks Department | 0:14:08 | 0:14:11 | |
' "speaking to you through Ann Perkins, friend and beautiful nurse." ' | 0:14:11 | 0:14:14 | |
Thank you. | 0:14:14 | 0:14:15 | |
"Do not do anything with Ben. | 0:14:15 | 0:14:17 | |
"Be responsible, no matter how cute his mouth is. Your job is on the line!" | 0:14:17 | 0:14:21 | |
-Shut up, Ann! -You wrote that. | 0:14:21 | 0:14:23 | |
No, you... then Leslie... | 0:14:23 | 0:14:24 | |
Leslie, you don't know what you're talking about. | 0:14:24 | 0:14:26 | |
I care about him very much, | 0:14:26 | 0:14:28 | |
and I've had 2½ glasses of red wine, | 0:14:28 | 0:14:30 | |
-and what that means is I'm gonna go make out with him right now, and it's gonna be awesome. -Yay! | 0:14:30 | 0:14:34 | |
No, you're supposed to talk me out of this. | 0:14:34 | 0:14:36 | |
No. Don't. Stop. | 0:14:36 | 0:14:38 | |
-Shut up, Ann, I'm doing it anyway. -'Yay!' | 0:14:38 | 0:14:41 | |
Leslie! | 0:14:44 | 0:14:45 | |
When Ben told me that you had won the bid, | 0:14:46 | 0:14:49 | |
I was wildly ecstatic, | 0:14:49 | 0:14:50 | |
and I had to come up here and celebrate with you. | 0:14:50 | 0:14:53 | |
There is literally nothing in this world that you cannot do. | 0:14:53 | 0:14:55 | |
So, what's the plan now? Should we take a long walk? | 0:14:55 | 0:14:58 | |
-HE GASPS -Mini-golf. | 0:14:58 | 0:15:00 | |
I'll probably... Do you... shouldn't we just go back to Pawnee? | 0:15:00 | 0:15:03 | |
-Yeah. -Nonsense. | 0:15:03 | 0:15:04 | |
There's no reason to drive all the way back home. | 0:15:04 | 0:15:06 | |
I've got a perfectly good condo right here in the city. | 0:15:06 | 0:15:09 | |
Oh, we couldn't put you out like that. | 0:15:09 | 0:15:10 | |
Double nonsense. I would love to have you stay with me. | 0:15:10 | 0:15:12 | |
Leslie, you can take the guest room, | 0:15:12 | 0:15:14 | |
and, Ben, you HAVE to sleep on my couch. | 0:15:14 | 0:15:17 | |
It is literally the comfiest couch you've ever been on. | 0:15:17 | 0:15:20 | |
-This is weird. -SHE LAUGHS | 0:15:24 | 0:15:27 | |
We're on Chris's couch. | 0:15:27 | 0:15:28 | |
Yup, we are, and I'm wearing his clothes. | 0:15:28 | 0:15:31 | |
SHE CHUCKLES | 0:15:31 | 0:15:33 | |
-Er, well... -Well... | 0:15:35 | 0:15:39 | |
Sorry, I keep myself very well hydrated, | 0:15:39 | 0:15:41 | |
and my bladder is the size of a thimble. | 0:15:41 | 0:15:43 | |
I urinate roughly 12 times a night. | 0:15:43 | 0:15:46 | |
-I think I might go to bed, too, actually. -Oh, yeah? | 0:15:47 | 0:15:51 | |
OK. Um, well, look... | 0:15:51 | 0:15:55 | |
TOILET FLUSHES | 0:15:55 | 0:15:56 | |
Good job, again, today. It was... | 0:15:56 | 0:15:59 | |
-You too. -Really? | 0:15:59 | 0:16:01 | |
-Yeah. -Well, that was quick and to the point. | 0:16:01 | 0:16:03 | |
Here's a tip. | 0:16:03 | 0:16:05 | |
The key to a healthy urethra... radishes. | 0:16:05 | 0:16:07 | |
Good, I'm gonna go to bed. | 0:16:07 | 0:16:09 | |
-Good night. -Good night. | 0:16:09 | 0:16:11 | |
Well, now I'm up. You wanna boggle? | 0:16:11 | 0:16:13 | |
-Are you Ron Swanson? -I am. | 0:16:15 | 0:16:18 | |
OK, what exactly did you teach my daughter? | 0:16:18 | 0:16:19 | |
Oh, you must be Mrs Berkus. | 0:16:19 | 0:16:21 | |
Lauren was supposed to do a paper on why government matters. | 0:16:21 | 0:16:24 | |
This is what she wrote. | 0:16:24 | 0:16:26 | |
"It doesn't." | 0:16:27 | 0:16:28 | |
-HE LAUGHS -Well said. | 0:16:28 | 0:16:30 | |
-Is this a joke? -No, ma'am. | 0:16:30 | 0:16:32 | |
I legitimately believe that. I'm a libertarian. | 0:16:32 | 0:16:34 | |
Oh, that's nice. Well, she is a fourth grader. | 0:16:34 | 0:16:36 | |
And fourth graders aren't supposed to have | 0:16:36 | 0:16:38 | |
their heads crammed full of weird ideas. | 0:16:38 | 0:16:40 | |
They're supposed to do cute reports and get gold stars. | 0:16:40 | 0:16:42 | |
I'm very sorry. I was only... | 0:16:42 | 0:16:43 | |
And you ate her lunch? And you gave her a land mine? | 0:16:43 | 0:16:47 | |
Really? | 0:16:47 | 0:16:48 | |
-Well, it seemed appropriate at the time. I... -How?! | 0:16:48 | 0:16:52 | |
POUNDING AT DOOR | 0:16:54 | 0:16:56 | |
You know this is my house, right? | 0:16:58 | 0:17:00 | |
-Yeah, hi. -Do you wanna come in? | 0:17:00 | 0:17:03 | |
-You OK? -No. | 0:17:04 | 0:17:06 | |
Andy is totally mad at me right now and I don't know how to deal with him, so I thought I would ask you. | 0:17:06 | 0:17:11 | |
You know, Andy and I broke up so long ago. | 0:17:11 | 0:17:12 | |
I don't think that I'd be the best source to... | 0:17:12 | 0:17:14 | |
Please. | 0:17:14 | 0:17:16 | |
-What happened? -He doesn't think I like Mouse Rat. | 0:17:16 | 0:17:19 | |
And all I said to him was that this other band was better, | 0:17:19 | 0:17:22 | |
but I don't know why he got all mad, | 0:17:22 | 0:17:23 | |
because it's like an indisputable fact | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
-that they're better. They're a real band. -Oh, boy. OK. | 0:17:25 | 0:17:27 | |
Well, Andy just wants you to be proud of him and his music, | 0:17:27 | 0:17:30 | |
so this isn't really about being right. | 0:17:30 | 0:17:33 | |
It's more about being supportive. | 0:17:33 | 0:17:35 | |
Oh, wow! | 0:17:35 | 0:17:36 | |
I didn't realise you were a marriage counsellor, Ann. | 0:17:36 | 0:17:39 | |
-Sorry. -SHE SIGHS | 0:17:39 | 0:17:41 | |
My instinct is to be mean to you. | 0:17:41 | 0:17:43 | |
I understand. | 0:17:43 | 0:17:46 | |
OMG. | 0:17:46 | 0:17:48 | |
Leslie, I read that same article - The History Of The Ladder. | 0:17:48 | 0:17:51 | |
It's utterly fascinating. | 0:17:51 | 0:17:52 | |
-Ben, you're gonna love this. -Really? -Do you know that the original image of a ladder | 0:17:52 | 0:17:56 | |
is in a cave in Valencia, Spain, | 0:17:56 | 0:17:58 | |
drawn over 10,000 years ago? | 0:17:58 | 0:17:59 | |
Oh, my God. How about some music? | 0:17:59 | 0:18:01 | |
BANJO MUSIC | 0:18:01 | 0:18:03 | |
That's amazing. What is this? | 0:18:07 | 0:18:09 | |
HE SCATS | 0:18:10 | 0:18:14 | |
ROCK MUSIC | 0:18:14 | 0:18:16 | |
Oh, man, I love this song. | 0:18:16 | 0:18:18 | |
# The pit I was in the pit... # | 0:18:19 | 0:18:22 | |
Wait a minute. | 0:18:22 | 0:18:23 | |
# You were in the pit | 0:18:23 | 0:18:27 | |
# We all were in the pit | 0:18:27 | 0:18:31 | |
# The pit | 0:18:31 | 0:18:33 | |
# I was in the pit | 0:18:33 | 0:18:36 | |
# You were in the pit | 0:18:36 | 0:18:39 | |
-# We all were in the pit... -# | 0:18:39 | 0:18:44 | |
-What is this? -Living out my dream. | 0:18:47 | 0:18:49 | |
Playing a show with the greatest band ever. | 0:18:49 | 0:18:52 | |
That's my guitar. You bought it back from Sewage Joe? | 0:18:52 | 0:18:54 | |
I actually stole it from his office, | 0:18:54 | 0:18:57 | |
but whatever. He's a weirdo. | 0:18:57 | 0:19:00 | |
Maybe April doesn't think that we're the greatest band in the world, | 0:19:02 | 0:19:05 | |
but, man, she loves me and I love her. | 0:19:05 | 0:19:09 | |
So, you know, who cares? | 0:19:09 | 0:19:10 | |
I got the greatest wife in the world! | 0:19:10 | 0:19:13 | |
-Stop. -We're married! | 0:19:13 | 0:19:15 | |
We're totally gonna do it later! | 0:19:17 | 0:19:19 | |
Oh, my God. | 0:19:19 | 0:19:21 | |
Well, actually, I think it's good that Chris showed up, | 0:19:22 | 0:19:24 | |
cos I wasn't thinking clearly. | 0:19:24 | 0:19:26 | |
I love my job, Ben loves his job, | 0:19:26 | 0:19:28 | |
and it's just not worth the risk. | 0:19:28 | 0:19:30 | |
-Oh, hey. -Hey. -Chris just wanted me to drop off these receipts. | 0:19:31 | 0:19:34 | |
-Oh, well, he's not here. He took off. -OK. | 0:19:34 | 0:19:37 | |
Uh-oh. | 0:19:50 | 0:19:51 | |
All I'm saying is... keep an open mind for a while. | 0:19:53 | 0:19:55 | |
Listen to your teachers and read all the books you can. | 0:19:55 | 0:19:58 | |
Then when you're 18, | 0:19:58 | 0:20:00 | |
you can drink, gamble and become a libertarian. | 0:20:00 | 0:20:03 | |
The drinking age is 21. | 0:20:03 | 0:20:05 | |
I know. Another stupid government rule. | 0:20:05 | 0:20:07 | |
-So you'll write a new paper? -Yeah. | 0:20:09 | 0:20:12 | |
-Can you autograph this one for me? -Sure. | 0:20:12 | 0:20:14 |