Nature/Nurture QI XL


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Nature/Nurture

Sandi Toksvig looks at nature and nurture with Ross Noble, Cariad Lloyd, David Baddiel and Alan Davies.


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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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How lovely!

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Very nice! Lovely!

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Thank you very much.

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Good evening and welcome to QI,

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where tonight we are nurturing nature,

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and our guests are a natural selection.

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A natural woman, Cariad Lloyd.

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A natural gas, Ross Noble.

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A natural resource, David Baddiel.

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And a natural disaster, Alan Davies.

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And we have a natural selection of buzzers.

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Cariad goes...

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CICADAS CHIRP

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Oh, that's rather pretty, isn't it? Ross goes...

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DUCK QUACKS

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I went out with somebody like that once.

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David goes...

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ELEPHANT TRUMPETS

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Wow. Alan goes...

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MONKEY YELPS

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YELPING CONTINUES

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SHOTS FIRE AND YELPING CEASES

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LAUGHTER

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I don't know if that means you can ever press it again.

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-I'm afraid to in case another one dies.

-I know!

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Question one concerns the most natural noise in the world.

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Why do bees hum?

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People hum,

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I've noticed this, when people are a bit embarrassed.

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-Oh, right.

-Because they don't know what to say,

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-and I wondered if bees did it.

-Yeah, so, no.

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Is it something to do with pollen?

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-Yes.

-So it's about finding pollen?

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It is to do with pollen.

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Is it sending out a vibration?

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Absolutely right, absolutely right, that there are bees...

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It looked like people were going to applaud, there,

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but they weren't sure if they wanted to applaud.

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Some bees, not all bees,

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literally shake pollen out of flowers

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by humming very loudly at them.

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-Do they?

-Isn't it astonishing? They hold on to the flower and they beat

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their wing muscles phenomenally fast and those rapid muscle contractions

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produce forces up to 30G,

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so that is about three times what you would get from a fighter jet

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making a tight turn. I mean, it's absolutely astonishing.

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It's also the reason why they banned sex toys from Kew Gardens.

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Because... It's true...

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Is that actually in the rule book? "No sex toys"?

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That's certainly why I got thrown out!

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-They got confiscated.

-Exactly.

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HE IMITATES BUZZING

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"What are you doing?! We need that pollen."

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"I'm sorry, I can't turn it off!"

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How big was the sex toy?

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That was like a fishing rod!

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-I don't want to know.

-She's a very lucky woman, my wife.

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But it is incredible,

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that thing you can see on their leg there is called a corbicula,

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and it is the little basket that they keep the pollen in.

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Scientists, they did research, and the best bit of the bee

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-is its knees.

-Oh, right.

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Shortly followed by the testicles of a dog.

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-All in science, all in science.

-No, I'm glad you brought it up.

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There is a bee that, when it goes near, it creates, like, electricity.

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So, this is an extraordinary thing -

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it can also harness electrostatic forces,

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so when a bee flies through the air, the friction that it causes,

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it causes their bodies to build up a positive charge.

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This is incredible - when they get close to the flower,

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which usually carries a negative charge,

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the grains of pollen literally jump from the plant to the insect.

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They learn to distinguish the different electrical fields around

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different flowers so they can tell

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which plants have nearly been depleted of pollen,

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-and they don't bother with those.

-Do they work for npower?

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-ROSS:

-You said SOME bees.

-Yeah.

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-Some are electric, some acoustic bees?

-Yes.

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There's a wasp in the background going, "Judas!"

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-And they don't hum, they go...

-HE HUMS

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I'm good in the library...

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-DAVID:

-That does sound like...

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Dylan obviously sounds like a bee, doesn't he?

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-ROSS:

-Yeah. He does.

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And that's why, a lot of his gigs, pollen all over him.

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HE SINGS

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He's got terrible hay fever.

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What's extraordinary - there's a recent study

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at the Jiangxi Agricultural University in Nanchang in China,

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and they attached radio frequency identification tags

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-to 300 honeybees - look at that!

-Wow!

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That... Seriously, that's dedication, isn't it?

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What, so they can control them with a...

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-They turn them into drones... No. DAVID:

-What, like an Xbox?

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No. They wanted to see how much foraging they did,

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and what they discovered, which is extraordinary,

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is that they forage in anticipation of a rainy day,

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and the weird thing is that they don't actually need

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to save for a rainy day.

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But they do it anyway

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-They're just really practical.

-Fantastically practical!

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"I know I don't need to, but you never know!"

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-Those tiny little helmets they've got on...

-Yes.

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They're little radio identification tags.

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-So they're like the badges that people wear at conferences.

-Yes.

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Has anybody ever heard bees having sex?

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-Oh, yeah.

-Yeah. It was one of the worst porn films I ever saw.

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-There it is, in fact.

-They got kicked out of Kew Gardens for that.

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The extraordinary thing is that it makes an audible sound.

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It's a very female-centred society - the women do all the work.

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I know, Cariad, no change there.

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-No change.

-And the drones, the boys -

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their sole job is to mate with the queen, and hardly any of them get

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a chance to do so, but if you manage to mate with the queen,

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once you have done so, your phallus ejaculates from your body,

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the whole thing tears off with an audible pop.

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CARIAD LAUGHS

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"I've finished!"

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I think most blokes would think that's worth it.

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Well, it actually plugs up the vagina.

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That's the whole point - it stops the semen coming back out again.

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So all of the drones want to mate with the queen,

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but only a very few of them are able to do so.

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It's like Beyonce and Jay Z, so many want Queen B -

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she chooses one, who lets her down, then she steals his phallus,

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and makes an album about it.

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She has sex with multiple drones, and then...

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-Beyonce?!

-Not Beyonce!

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What does she do with all the spare, er...?

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The spare?

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They get ejected eventually - she gets rid of them.

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That must be intimidating -

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you go in to see the queen, and they're all on a shelf.

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It's not a shelf! It's a dartboard!

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"Don't open the door!" Boom!

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The bee that's just had sex with her,

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he walks out, and there's a big long queue, and then his cock just hits

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him on the back of the head.

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"Take that with you!"

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"Oh, sorry."

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But how long do you think they have sex for?

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I'm thinking if you know that was going to happen,

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you'd be making it last as long...

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It's anywhere between ten and 80 minutes.

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-OK.

-And sometimes while they're flying,

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which must be... That must be, you know...

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Is that like the Mile High Club for bees?

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"Woohoo! This is better than I imagined... Oh, no!"

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"No!"

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Now, describe nature's Top Gear.

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Nature's drugs?

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-Oh, is that a thing? Drugs?

-Gear, you know, your gear, man.

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Don't...

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"I've got some top gear for ya."

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OK, it's not gear in the sense of drugs.

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What other kind of gears are there?

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-In a car.

-The cogs of something?

-Yes, yes, yes.

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Nature is full of tremendous wonders,

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and nothing I think more wonderful

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than the immature planthopper, or a nymph and gears.

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Now, you can't really tell, cos it's a massive picture,

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but they're only three millimetres long...

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I'm really glad that's a massive picture.

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They tend on the whole to move very slowly, cos they don't want to

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attract attention, which is really sweet,

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but they are able to jump up to one metre from a standing start.

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So, that is 300 times their own body length.

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Imagine if it was me,

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I would be able to jump, from a standing start, a third of a mile.

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I'd love to see that.

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And now, the thing is, if you jump that far,

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and you don't get your timing spot on,

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you spiral out of control, so they have little, tiny,

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tiny gears, that enable them to synchronise their legs

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within 30 millionths of a second.

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You can see here, the top of each hind leg has a circular set

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of minute teeth, and just before takeoff, the insect's thighs,

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they squeeze together.

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You can see they're kind of ratcheting up,

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causing the teeth to mesh like gears, and the legs are then locked

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together, and then they can thrust off like that in perfect unison.

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That's amazing!

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It's amazing, but it looked like CCTV of it,

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so I wonder if it had committed a crime.

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"Seen fleeing the scene!"

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In 2011 in Papua New Guinea, they found a weevil

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whose legs are screwed into the body, and...

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-That's such a phallus sticking out.

-It is, isn't it?

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I'm really struggling with everything else on the screen.

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You could take the front legs off while it was sleeping,

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put it on the back...

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Interchangeable - "I want that one."

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Yes, but...

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-..why do you think they might do this?

-It takes its legs off?

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-No, it doesn't take them off...

-It tightens them.

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It tightens them, so it can pull along the length of the leg

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in order to make it rotate in its socket.

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So they can rotate the back legs 130 degrees,

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-and get a better grip.

-Wow!

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Or they can rotate the front 90 degrees and get a better grip.

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-Why haven't we evolved to do that?

-Because you'd get drunk,

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you'd put your legs on wrong, and you'd go,

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"I'm off!" Oof! And you'd shoot off that way.

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Now, nobody will be surprised to hear

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that cows emit a lot of methane,

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so, what would you use to ensure your cow meets emissions standards?

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Is this about cows farting?

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Well, it doesn't come out just one end, does it?

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-Farts don't come out of just one end?

-No, the methane.

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-Oh, are they burping as well?

-They do.

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I know how they feel. It's difficult being a gassy lady.

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-Are you a gassy person?

-I'm SO gassy.

-Are you?

-Yeah, it's insane.

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Are you responsible for global warming? Is it you?

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In an area of North London, yes.

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-That's me - soz.

-I don't know why that is

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that some people are and some aren't.

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In my entire life - this is a very odd thing to admit -

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I have never farted.

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-What?!

-What?!

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-Seriously.

-That is a very bold claim.

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-I know!

-So what you mean is, you haven't let rip?

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-No! So...

-Have you found yourself ever rising off a seat?

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Perhaps you just have incredibly taut buttocks.

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I'm happy to take that claim, yes.

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Only dogs can hear them.

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-Oh!

-They're just on a different frequency from everybody else's.

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It's no wonder our dog goes mad every now and then.

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Is the dog down there going, "Blame it on Sandi"?

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Come on, now, what are we going to do?

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We need... So, a badly tuned car belches out all sorts of pollutants.

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-What do we do?

-Is it something to do with what you're feeding them?

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Er, no, it's an actual device.

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A catalytic converter?

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It is - a catalytic converter for cows.

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These particular catalytic converters go in the nose

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of the cow, so they go like that.

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That's a scientific drawing right there!

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Very technical.

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Is that a gin and tonic going into its nose?

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It doesn't have to be cows - it can be sheep or goats or whatever,

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and the apparatus is retained in the nostril by one or more springs or

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other mechanical devices, and configured to ignite in the presence

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of methane gas.

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Incredible, cos then it would be like a sort of a cow-dragon.

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Yeah.

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And then late at night, if you were lost in the hills...

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-Yeah.

-..warm milk.

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Ah, here's the thing. You don't need to get lost, because it can also be

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fitted with a GPS tracker.

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Is it actually succeeding, this,

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in stopping the methane emissions from cows?

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Not yet. It's a brand-new notion as to how to do it.

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Something that is succeeding is fistulating cows.

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-What, they've got holes in?

-Yeah, they've got holes in them.

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I've seen this. When you look in, all it is is grass,

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like a big hopper full of grass, honestly, it is,

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and I've seen a documentary where, a doctor or a vet, I suppose...

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I'd hope so.

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..put his arm in, rummaging around and showing you the...

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It's really weird and the cow's just standing looking, it looked fine.

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They don't seem to be the slightest bit bothered by it.

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It is a sort of rubber cannula, it unscrews, a bit like a petrol cap,

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and you're quite right, you can put your hand right inside the cow.

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Why might you want to do that?

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Because he's got a very busy day, and you want to have

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a business meeting with James Herriot.

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He's got his hand up the cow's bum, and he goes...

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-You shake his hand.

-..put it in, shake the hand...

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-DAVID:

-You've sorted that deal with James Herriot.

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-That's it.

-So it just vents? It vents the cow?

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No, you actually want to get to the stomach contents.

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-Why might you want to do that?

-There's something in there that...?

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Yeah, so, basically,

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you may have a sick cow, and the cow that is fistulated

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is perfectly healthy.

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You want to get some of the bacteria from the stomach

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of the healthy cow, and give it directly to the other cow.

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-It is a cunning plan.

-It IS a cunning plan.

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You also can check exactly what the nutrients that the cow was eating,

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how they're breaking down in the stomach.

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-Doesn't it...?

-It doesn't bother them in the slightest.

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-Are you sure?

-Absolutely.

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Honestly, it's the weirdest thing I've ever seen.

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It would bother ME, I think, if I had one of those here.

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Which is a shame, because we were going to do...

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an experiment.

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-ROSS:

-Yeah, but come on, that would be a hell of a party piece,

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-though, wouldn't it?

-What? If you had it in your head?

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No, no, just, you know, "Baddiel's here, come on,

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"let's see what he's had for dinner."

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-DAVID:

-And then if you were a bit peaky,

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someone would reach inside, and give my bacteria to Ross Noble.

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-That's what would happen.

-It would be a strange thing.

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-ROSS:

-Yeah, like, say you had the last French fancy...

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-DAVID:

-You can't just have it if you wanted my food!

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That's not how it works. You have to be ill.

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-ROSS:

-So I'm... "Oh! I need a French fancy!"

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"Gat Baddiel - he's polished off the lot!"

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Then you came round...

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-DAVID:

-I hate to tell you this, Ross -

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you can't die of needing to eat French fancies.

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-ROSS:

-Right. Well, if you go to any Parisian hospital...

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..and find somebody who is fancy-deficient...

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Yeah, you could be saving lives.

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You've understood that the French fancy direct from his stomach

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is not going to look as attractive as when he first ate it?

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That's the thing about Mr Kipling -

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he makes such exceedingly good cakes...

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-whatever form they're in.

-Yeah.

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Have a look at these, and tell me what's going on here.

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Different cow, different look.

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He's saying, "I wanted it to be a zebra." And so...

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"I've done my best."

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-What do you reckon?

-He's painted it for some reason.

-Yeah.

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Why might you paint a cow?

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To disguise it?

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In fact, quite the opposite - it's World War II,

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and it was farmers trying to stop people running over their cows

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-during the blackout.

-Oh!

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-They painted them white.

-Why didn't they just write...

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"COW"?

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No, no, because then, if it was behind a bush,

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it would say, "OW."

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-DAVID:

-"Ow, I'm being fistulated."

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Or, "STOP," you know? That would be...

0:16:090:16:11

Wouldn't it be funnier to write "PIG,"

0:16:110:16:13

then people would stop and go, "That's never a pig!"

0:16:130:16:16

But surely that would draw the attention of the Luftwaffe,

0:16:170:16:20

wouldn't it?

0:16:200:16:21

-DAVID:

-Yeah, but if the Luftwaffe just bomb cows,

0:16:210:16:23

that's not such a big problem.

0:16:230:16:24

No, by the end of the first month of the war,

0:16:240:16:27

1,130 human road deaths had been attributed to the blackout,

0:16:270:16:30

so it was really a serious issue, and people were...

0:16:300:16:32

Always knocking into cows?

0:16:320:16:33

-I don't know - no bovine casualties were listed.

-Oh, OK.

0:16:330:16:37

So, if you want to do your bit to save the planet,

0:16:370:16:39

invest in a pair of cattle-ytic converters.

0:16:390:16:42

AUDIENCE GROANS

0:16:420:16:45

Oh, all right!

0:16:450:16:46

Not sure about that.

0:16:460:16:48

What's the point of licking your own eyeballs?

0:16:500:16:54

Oh, quite a lot of animals lick their eyeballs.

0:16:540:16:56

-Lizards do that.

-They do. Why do they?

-For moisture.

-For moisture.

0:16:560:17:00

So, this is the palmato gecko, lives in the Namib Desert,

0:17:000:17:03

so kind of Namibia, Angola, South Africa, that area.

0:17:030:17:05

It's one of the driest places on Earth,

0:17:050:17:07

so it needs to use all its ingenuity to get moisture,

0:17:070:17:10

so it gets a little bit of moisture from its diet of insects,

0:17:100:17:12

but it perches on a sand dune, and it waits for the early morning fog

0:17:120:17:17

to condense as water droplets on its absolutely massive eyes,

0:17:170:17:20

-and then it licks it off with its very long tongue.

-Wow!

0:17:200:17:22

-That is very clever.

-They also don't have eyelids, so licking also helps

0:17:220:17:25

-to keep their eyes clean.

-I mean, to be fair, I have been to that desert.

0:17:250:17:28

I rode a motorbike across that desert.

0:17:280:17:30

-DAVID:

-I've been there, too.

-ROSS:

-Have you?

-DAVID:

-Yeah.

0:17:300:17:32

Fight, fight, fight!

0:17:320:17:34

Lick your eyes, lick your eyes!

0:17:350:17:37

It's amazing, it's an incredible place.

0:17:380:17:41

Yes, extraordinary and incredible.

0:17:410:17:42

The Namib Desert - extremely arid -

0:17:420:17:44

they only get a few millimetres of rain every year,

0:17:440:17:46

so the fog that rolls in from the sea in the morning

0:17:460:17:48

is incredibly important, and there's a wonderful little creature

0:17:480:17:51

called the fogstand beetle,

0:17:510:17:53

and it doesn't use its eyes, but it uses its rear end,

0:17:530:17:56

-so what it does is it...

-Oh!

-..props itself up at an angle of 45 degrees,

0:17:560:17:59

and the water condenses onto its hard wing cases,

0:17:590:18:02

and then it rolls down into its mouth.

0:18:020:18:05

That's horrible.

0:18:050:18:06

-If I came across you, standing with your head on the ground...

-Yeah...

0:18:070:18:10

..letting your arse-water roll down to...

0:18:100:18:13

Arse-water? It's not coming out of its arse!

0:18:150:18:17

We know where it's travelled.

0:18:190:18:20

It's come down its undercarriage.

0:18:200:18:22

Have a look at this Welwitschia plant.

0:18:230:18:24

Its ability to survive is absolutely astonishing,

0:18:240:18:28

and it is testified by...

0:18:280:18:29

Not doing too well there by the look of it.

0:18:290:18:31

The thing is, some of the individual plants are about 2,000 years old.

0:18:310:18:34

Wow!

0:18:340:18:35

So the roots are buried about 30 metres below the ground,

0:18:350:18:38

searching for moisture,

0:18:380:18:39

and it also absorbs water through its pores, its stomata,

0:18:390:18:42

on its huge, frayed leaves.

0:18:420:18:44

Oh, God, imagine if you went away and asked a friend to look after it,

0:18:440:18:47

-and it didn't survive.

-It died!

0:18:470:18:49

"It's 2,000 years old!"

0:18:490:18:51

-"Sorry, I was busy."

-"I left the window open."

0:18:510:18:53

Quick supplementary question -

0:18:540:18:56

what do they call a ship of the desert in Namibia?

0:18:560:18:58

You mean a camel?

0:18:580:19:00

KLAXON BLARES

0:19:000:19:01

How stupid of me.

0:19:040:19:06

The question was "in Namibia."

0:19:060:19:08

-Is it not camel, it's the other one?

-What's the other one?

-Dramadon?

0:19:080:19:11

-Dromedary?

-A Dromadon's from Star Wars.

0:19:110:19:13

Hey! There is nothing wrong with something from Star Wars.

0:19:130:19:16

There are different kinds -

0:19:160:19:18

there are Bactrian camels, and there are dromedaries.

0:19:180:19:20

Do you know how you can remember which is which?

0:19:200:19:22

-No.

-Cos one's got two humps and one's got one.

0:19:220:19:24

The dromedary begins with a D, which is one hump,

0:19:240:19:26

and the Bactrian begins with B, which is two humps,

0:19:260:19:29

so that's how you can remember, and it's completely the wrong answer.

0:19:290:19:32

Is it a Toyota pick-up, or something like that?

0:19:320:19:34

-It's nearer that.

-It's an actual ship.

0:19:340:19:36

-It's an actual ship.

-Oh! I know this, there's a coastline...

0:19:360:19:39

Don't click your fingers at me!

0:19:390:19:41

Sorry! I wasn't clicking them AT you.

0:19:410:19:43

Suddenly I've turned into a waiter with no English!

0:19:430:19:46

-ROSS:

-Skeleton Coast.

-DAVID:

-Yeah, the Skeleton Coast in Namibia.

0:19:460:19:49

-ROSS:

-Skeleton.

-DAVID:

-Yeah, stop saying skeleton!

0:19:490:19:52

Guys, you should have your own programme about Namibia,

0:19:520:19:55

where you can fight about how much you love...

0:19:550:19:57

This is sort of extraordinary,

0:19:570:19:58

to see a ship right in the desert like that.

0:19:580:20:01

That's the so-called Skeleton Coast.

0:20:010:20:03

It's long been a menace to shipping, and carcasses of hundreds of vessels

0:20:030:20:06

litter the coast, but you also get silting and encroachment

0:20:060:20:09

of the desert, so you sometimes get ships as much as 500 metres inland.

0:20:090:20:13

There are ghost towns as well in Namibia,

0:20:130:20:15

that are completely covered in sand, but you can go and stay there.

0:20:150:20:19

Yeah, a bit like Tatooine.

0:20:190:20:20

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:20:200:20:24

-Star Wars.

-ROSS:

-Star Wars.

-Star Wars reference.

-Star Wars.

0:20:260:20:29

OK, Star Wars. OK.

0:20:290:20:30

Moving on.

0:20:320:20:33

What does the world's fussiest eater eat?

0:20:340:20:38

Is the world's fussiest eater not a human being?

0:20:380:20:40

Correct.

0:20:400:20:41

Is it something that is so fussy, it just doesn't eat, and then dies?

0:20:410:20:45

No, it is very specific.

0:20:450:20:47

It only likes one thing on the menu.

0:20:470:20:50

Is it bees' penises?

0:20:500:20:52

Well, you're not far off the area that we need to be looking to.

0:20:520:20:56

It's so deeply unpleasant,

0:20:570:20:59

there are few parasites who have cornered a market so decisively.

0:20:590:21:03

It's a little leech.

0:21:030:21:05

It rarely sees the light of day,

0:21:050:21:07

because it lives up a hippopotamus's bottom.

0:21:070:21:10

That is where it lives.

0:21:100:21:11

It's called the Placobdelloides jaegerskioeldi.

0:21:140:21:17

Here's the thing, hippos have incredibly tough skin, right?

0:21:170:21:20

So, if the leech is looking for a blood meal off the hippo,

0:21:200:21:24

it really has to go to the rectal region, because that's where

0:21:240:21:26

the blood vessels are - the skin is vascular.

0:21:260:21:28

-Where the best restaurants are.

-Seriously, best place to hang out.

0:21:280:21:31

It is literally a pain in the arse, this leech.

0:21:310:21:33

So it's a big, gaping hole, like that, and it's like...

0:21:330:21:36

HE GURGLES

0:21:360:21:37

Much like the sarlacc pit.

0:21:370:21:39

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:390:21:41

Here's the thing - has anybody ever seen a hippo being excused?

0:21:440:21:47

No, I've not seen that.

0:21:470:21:49

Well, it's the most extraordinary thing, because they are noted

0:21:490:21:51

for the violence of their bowel movements, OK?

0:21:510:21:53

So, they fire out an absolute explosion of slurry.

0:21:530:21:56

I know how they feel, guys.

0:21:560:21:58

A hippo is incredibly...

0:22:010:22:03

We went to a zoo in Spain, and they had a hippo,

0:22:030:22:05

and they are incredibly heavy.

0:22:050:22:07

-Yeah.

-They weigh 3,000 kilograms.

0:22:070:22:09

What were you doing at this zoo?

0:22:090:22:11

-What do you mean?

-"Come on!"

0:22:110:22:13

I wasn't carrying it!

0:22:140:22:15

It's got a little plaque - you can read all about it.

0:22:150:22:18

I thought you were going, "Come on, kids!"

0:22:200:22:23

"There's no-one here - we'll get another one!"

0:22:230:22:25

They're incredibly heavy, but they're incredibly dangerous.

0:22:250:22:28

-They weigh the same as 150 people.

-Yeah.

-I made that number up.

0:22:280:22:30

Oh, sorry. He was just saying it wasn't 150 people.

0:22:300:22:33

I just made that up. It might be about 50.

0:22:330:22:35

-I was trying to get attention, that was...

-Yes.

0:22:370:22:40

Why are the bowel movements so violent? I'm interested.

0:22:400:22:43

Well, OK. So, it is extraordinary.

0:22:430:22:45

What's amazing is that the leech is able to hold on while...

0:22:450:22:48

It has a fantastic grip.

0:22:490:22:50

It's got a pair of suckers, front and rear,

0:22:500:22:52

which provide incredible anchorage.

0:22:520:22:54

So, while this poo is spraying everywhere...

0:22:540:22:57

And we don't know the reason, but there's a really nice story,

0:22:570:23:00

which I like, which is the San people, which is the wonderful

0:23:000:23:02

-hunter-gatherers of southern Africa...

-The Sand People, you say?

0:23:020:23:05

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:23:060:23:08

-Oh, yeah!

-Yeah, you've got to be careful,

0:23:100:23:13

cos they're a lot more aggressive than the Jawas.

0:23:130:23:15

-Yeah.

-You can get them mixed up easily, but those Sand People -

0:23:150:23:18

don't trust them.

0:23:180:23:19

It's like I've moved into a parallel universe.

0:23:190:23:22

The thing about the Sand People is, they always travel in single file.

0:23:220:23:25

Do they?

0:23:250:23:27

-IMITATING ALEC GUINNESS:

-Beware of the Sand People.

0:23:270:23:29

What...?

0:23:300:23:31

Yes, Ross, is it something helpful?

0:23:310:23:33

Yeah, it is. It is.

0:23:330:23:35

I have a slight confession.

0:23:360:23:38

-Yes?

-Right.

0:23:380:23:40

I recently...

0:23:400:23:42

-whilst bored in a hotel room...

-Yeah.

0:23:420:23:44

..er... No!

0:23:440:23:46

If you go online and type in, "Hippos pooing", there are...

0:23:480:23:53

Sorry, I'm just going to stop you there. Why would you do that?

0:23:530:23:56

Just, I was...

0:23:560:23:57

Start with dogs.

0:23:570:23:59

Work your way up. Bears.

0:23:590:24:01

In the woods.

0:24:010:24:03

And there are huge amounts of videos

0:24:060:24:09

-of people filming hippos at zoos...

-Yes.

0:24:090:24:12

..who, the tail goes up, and they go...

0:24:120:24:14

It's unbelievable.

0:24:160:24:17

People... I don't know how it... It just sort of...

0:24:170:24:19

No!

0:24:200:24:21

But that's the thing...

0:24:210:24:23

You've got a leech.

0:24:250:24:27

Urgh...

0:24:280:24:29

There's a reason that the hunter-gatherer people

0:24:310:24:33

of South Africa, the San people, which I really, really like...

0:24:330:24:37

So, when the Creator assigned each animal its place in nature,

0:24:370:24:40

the hippos really wanted to live in the water,

0:24:400:24:42

but it was feared that they might eat all the fish,

0:24:420:24:44

so they were finally allowed to live in the water on the condition

0:24:440:24:47

that they would eat grass instead of fish, and would fling their dung,

0:24:470:24:50

so that it could be checked and inspected for fish bones,

0:24:500:24:53

and that is the reason.

0:24:530:24:55

Isn't that sweet?

0:24:550:24:56

Is this scientific research?

0:24:560:24:57

-Yes.

-Yes. It is.

-OK.

0:24:580:25:00

Leeches aren't the only animals

0:25:000:25:01

having trouble penetrating tough skin -

0:25:010:25:03

vultures are consummate scavengers.

0:25:030:25:05

Their beaks are designed for ripping and tearing,

0:25:050:25:08

and they can't get into the carcass, so a lion has to open it first.

0:25:080:25:11

If that doesn't happen, they have to find a soft entry point

0:25:110:25:14

and they thrust their heads into eye sockets and nostrils,

0:25:140:25:19

and here is a fantastic description from National Geographic.

0:25:190:25:21

"A Ruppell vulture is eight inches into the wildebeest's anus

0:25:210:25:26

"before another bird wrenches it away, then slithers its own head,

0:25:260:25:30

"like an arm into an evening glove, up the intestinal tract."

0:25:300:25:33

Got very lyrical there.

0:25:350:25:36

It is. "It's dirty work sticking your head up someone else's bottom,

0:25:360:25:39

"but the vulture's sparsely-feathered head and neck

0:25:390:25:41

"are just what is needed to keep gore, guts and faecal matter

0:25:410:25:44

"from clinging after a deep carcass dive."

0:25:440:25:48

So, the world's fussiest eater won't eat anything but hippo's arse.

0:25:490:25:54

In fact, they've taken the little leeches into the lab

0:25:540:25:56

and offered them other things to eat, and they refuse.

0:25:560:25:59

-They only want...

-Does it eat hippo poo or hippo arse?

0:25:590:26:03

They're leeches, so it wants the actual...

0:26:030:26:05

So it's not interested in the dung at all?

0:26:050:26:07

-No, it doesn't want the dung.

-It just hears it coming.

0:26:070:26:09

Yeah. Whaaa!

0:26:090:26:10

It's like living in a wind tunnel for them.

0:26:190:26:22

Now, what is this plucky little bird up to?

0:26:220:26:26

-Ah!

-Cleaning the teeth, cleaning the teeth, surely.

0:26:260:26:29

KLAXON BLARES

0:26:290:26:32

Oh!

0:26:320:26:33

So, all we can say about this particular bird

0:26:340:26:36

is the word "Photoshop."

0:26:360:26:38

Oh!

0:26:380:26:39

It is a digital reconstruction, as the copyright owner readily admits.

0:26:390:26:43

It's the so-called story of the crocodile bird.

0:26:430:26:46

It goes back to Herodotus writing in the 5th century BC,

0:26:460:26:48

but it has never happened.

0:26:480:26:50

Herodotus wrote,

0:26:500:26:51

"When the crocodile comes ashore and opens its mouth,

0:26:510:26:54

"the trochilus flies into its mouth and eats the leeches.

0:26:540:26:56

"The crocodile is pleased by this service,

0:26:560:26:58

"and takes care not to hurt the trochilus,"

0:26:580:27:00

which is usually identified as the Egyptian plover.

0:27:000:27:02

You'd think it was perfect, the bird and the teeth...

0:27:020:27:04

He was making it all up, though, wasn't he?

0:27:040:27:06

He made that up, indeed, and indeed, this photo is made up.

0:27:060:27:09

That whole story is made up.

0:27:090:27:10

There's no reliable evidence whatsoever that this ever happens.

0:27:100:27:13

Mainly because crocodiles regularly shed their teeth -

0:27:130:27:15

they have no need for them to be cleaned.

0:27:150:27:17

-They just get new ones.

-Why would he make that up?

0:27:170:27:19

-ROSS:

-Cos it... Wasn't it furry ants? Didn't he...

0:27:190:27:22

Did he talk about furry ants?

0:27:220:27:23

I'm sure he said that there was, like, massive furry ants.

0:27:230:27:27

CARIAD LAUGHS

0:27:270:27:29

Stop looking at me like I'm insane!

0:27:290:27:31

No, I love that. It's like...

0:27:310:27:33

"Stop looking at me like I'm insane"?

0:27:330:27:35

-No, but...

-How often do you say that every day?

0:27:350:27:38

You know my wife.

0:27:390:27:40

The thing is, all of history is littered

0:27:410:27:43

with people saying things for sure that they weren't.

0:27:430:27:45

-DAVID:

-Yeah, but I don't understand with Herodotus and the bird

0:27:450:27:48

and the crocodile - he stood to gain nothing from that lie.

0:27:480:27:51

Yeah, but it's a great story - there's a notion of symbiosis.

0:27:510:27:53

The vicious crocodile and the tiny little bird,

0:27:530:27:56

and this wonderful image of the two of them working together.

0:27:560:27:59

He was in the pub and everyone was like, "Go on, Herodotus!"

0:27:590:28:01

Yeah, "Tell us a story!"

0:28:010:28:02

"Tell us that one about the bird and the crocodile

0:28:020:28:05

"that makes us feel like we can all get on no matter our size!"

0:28:050:28:07

There are birds who DO provide cleaning services.

0:28:080:28:11

Or is it sharks get cleaned by fish?

0:28:110:28:13

Well, the cleaner wrasse fish provides cleaning services

0:28:130:28:17

to other fish, and they set up a sort of cleaning station,

0:28:170:28:20

and they do this little dance to attract...

0:28:200:28:22

So that's a massive Moray eel,

0:28:220:28:24

and then it cleans the teeth and the gills of the client -

0:28:240:28:27

I'm sure you can call it the client -

0:28:270:28:29

and they get a good valeting in return for, you know,

0:28:290:28:31

scraps for the fish.

0:28:310:28:33

If you go scuba diving and you meet a Napoleon wrasse, you can give it

0:28:330:28:36

a hard-boiled egg, and all the shell comes out of its gills.

0:28:360:28:40

-Wow!

-Right!

0:28:400:28:41

-It's quite a sight.

-Yeah.

-Wow!

0:28:410:28:43

-So it...

-Don't you wonder who discovered that?

0:28:460:28:49

"I know - I'm going to go diving with a boiled egg."

0:28:490:28:53

I think it was Humpty Dumpty.

0:28:530:28:55

He fell off the pier, and he went, "I'm not having that again.

0:28:570:29:00

"The job that the king's horses have done's rubbish, and this is..."

0:29:000:29:03

And then he's fallen in the water...

0:29:030:29:05

I don't know if you give it a Creme Egg you get all tinfoil...

0:29:050:29:08

A Kinder egg, a toy comes out!

0:29:090:29:12

Warthogs - Ugandan warthogs - they are groomed by mongoose.

0:29:140:29:18

-Oh, look at that!

-Aww!

-Oh, you see, the warthog's my favourite.

0:29:180:29:21

It's licking its arsehole, it's licking its arsehole!

0:29:210:29:24

Oh!

0:29:240:29:25

Oh, it just keeled over in pleasure.

0:29:280:29:30

"Oh-ho-ho!"

0:29:300:29:31

This is what Ross's special videos were.

0:29:310:29:34

-Look at them!

-Aww!

0:29:340:29:36

So cute.

0:29:360:29:37

So, years and years ago, in 1975 - in fact, 1975 to 1977 -

0:29:370:29:41

there was a golf course in Zimbabwe

0:29:410:29:42

called the Elephant Hills Golf Course,

0:29:420:29:44

and I had the good fortune to play there just the one time,

0:29:440:29:46

but they had special rules to deal with warthog-related matters

0:29:460:29:51

to do with golf, and the rule was, if you hit a warthog -

0:29:510:29:55

and they were everywhere - I'm going to read it out...

0:29:550:29:57

"It does not entitle the player to replay the shot,

0:29:570:30:00

"except when the ball strikes the upright tail, in which case

0:30:000:30:04

"it shall be deemed to have struck a miniature moving flagpole."

0:30:040:30:08

So, anyway.

0:30:100:30:11

The nilgai lives in northern India.

0:30:110:30:13

"Nilgai" means "blue bull."

0:30:130:30:16

Its scientific name is Boselaphus tragocamelus,

0:30:160:30:19

which means ox-deer-goat-camel.

0:30:190:30:21

It used to be called the nilgor, meaning "blue horse,"

0:30:210:30:24

so which is it?

0:30:240:30:25

Is it a bull, an ox, a deer, a goat, a camel, or a horse?

0:30:250:30:28

-Is that it?

-That is it.

0:30:280:30:30

-It doesn't look like an ox.

-It's an antelope, isn't it?

0:30:300:30:32

It is, absolutely.

0:30:320:30:33

It is possibly the most misnamed animal in the bestiary,

0:30:330:30:36

because it is actually an antelope.

0:30:360:30:38

The scientific name Boselaphus tragocamelus was first used

0:30:380:30:41

by an English zoologist called Philip Sclater in 1833.

0:30:410:30:44

He was actually a trained ornithologist,

0:30:440:30:46

so it's no wonder he didn't entirely...

0:30:460:30:48

"It's not my remit, guys."

0:30:480:30:51

Other than zoological misnomers,

0:30:510:30:52

what can you tell me about the nine-eyed eel?

0:30:520:30:55

Does it have no eyes?

0:30:550:30:56

-No, it's got eyes.

-It's got eyes!

0:30:560:30:59

Is it more than one eel?

0:30:590:31:00

-Er, no.

-Is it that those aren't the eyes - it's markings on its body?

0:31:000:31:04

-That is absolutely right, yes.

-Ah, brilliant! Clever.

0:31:040:31:07

It is actually a two-eyed Scottish lamprey...

0:31:090:31:12

-What a lovely mouth it's got!

-Hideous, isn't it?

0:31:120:31:15

So, it's got seven gills on each side, and two eyes,

0:31:150:31:18

and one nostril, so strictly speaking,

0:31:180:31:20

I suppose you could call it 17-eyed, it should have been,

0:31:200:31:23

but the mistake was the gills.

0:31:230:31:24

Lamprey used to be much-eaten.

0:31:240:31:26

The Queen was sent a lamprey pie by the people of Gloucester every year.

0:31:260:31:29

It's a parasite, and what it's doing there is it's digging a little hole

0:31:290:31:32

into the side of a fish, and then it has an anticoagulant,

0:31:320:31:34

-so that the blood will continue to flow...

-Oh!

0:31:340:31:37

..and then it eats off the fish, but apparently they're delicious.

0:31:370:31:40

King Henry I died of a surfeit of lampreys.

0:31:400:31:42

That'd be quite easy to avoid, I would have thought.

0:31:420:31:44

If the doctors had spotted it early, it's quite easy to cure that.

0:31:440:31:47

But you can't say to a king, "You've had enough."

0:31:470:31:49

"I'm starting to feel unwell!"

0:31:490:31:51

If you find a dead one, if you blow on it, can you play it like a flute?

0:31:510:31:55

-DAVID:

-Why does it have to be dead?

-ROSS:

-Because it's a parasite.

0:31:560:31:59

If you try to play that like a flute you'd probably go...

0:31:590:32:02

Now, can you describe a bearded tit?

0:32:030:32:06

If anyone says "David Baddiel," I'm leaving.

0:32:060:32:09

Well, once you get past 30, it does happen.

0:32:100:32:13

We don't always talk about it.

0:32:180:32:20

No woman should be without tweezers.

0:32:200:32:22

No.

0:32:220:32:23

Or the skill of plaiting.

0:32:230:32:25

-That's true. Give the children something to hang on to.

-Exactly.

0:32:250:32:29

Save on a sports bra. Tie them together around the back. Bosh.

0:32:290:32:32

Off.

0:32:320:32:33

I sometimes feel, when I speak to you, Ross,

0:32:350:32:37

that I haven't thought things through.

0:32:370:32:39

All I'm saying is, "You're welcome."

0:32:400:32:43

Thank you.

0:32:430:32:44

There are many, many tits in the woods, aren't there?

0:32:440:32:47

-There are, my darling. Yes.

-Is this not one of them?

0:32:470:32:49

No, it's not a tit at all, and indeed, it hasn't got a beard.

0:32:490:32:53

It has, in fact, got a rather fine...

0:32:530:32:55

what I can only describe as a Fu Manchu moustache.

0:32:550:32:58

It's not even closely related to - can I call them "true tits"?

0:32:590:33:01

-You can.

-I'm going to.

0:33:010:33:03

It's more accurately called the bearded reedling.

0:33:030:33:06

It's actually a unique songbird,

0:33:060:33:08

and no other living species seems to be particularly closely related.

0:33:080:33:13

I wonder if the person who invented

0:33:130:33:14

-the word for birds that are called tits...

-Yeah.

0:33:140:33:17

..how upset they would be to know that now no-one

0:33:170:33:20

says them without sniggering.

0:33:200:33:22

Unless when he did it, he was like, "Tits!"

0:33:220:33:24

He's the same bloke that, when he had chickens, he went, "Cock!"

0:33:260:33:30

Yes!

0:33:300:33:32

Come on!

0:33:320:33:33

I don't know how you boys get there so quickly.

0:33:340:33:36

APPLAUSE

0:33:380:33:40

So much focus on something so undependable. Now...

0:33:440:33:47

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:33:480:33:49

Oh, yes, there's been a regime change!

0:33:540:33:56

Are you saying your tits are undependable?

0:34:020:34:04

Seriously, it is a weird thing, isn't it?

0:34:050:34:07

Boys are constantly fiddling

0:34:070:34:08

because your bits are not in the right place.

0:34:080:34:10

You never see a woman going, "Ooh, how's that got up there?"

0:34:100:34:14

You see it all the time.

0:34:140:34:16

My Gran...like that.

0:34:160:34:17

-DAVID:

-Your gran used to do that?

0:34:210:34:23

Was your gran Les Dawson?

0:34:230:34:25

So, who eats royal excrement?

0:34:280:34:30

Is it bees again - is it because of royal jelly?

0:34:300:34:33

No, they are the only mammals to live in colonies

0:34:330:34:35

with a single queen.

0:34:350:34:36

The royal family?

0:34:360:34:38

No - in fact, they are naked mole-rats.

0:34:400:34:43

-They are known as sand puppies.

-Oh, yeah, I've seen these before.

0:34:430:34:47

That's Boris Johnson in the morning.

0:34:470:34:49

APPLAUSE

0:34:500:34:51

"One eyelash!

0:34:510:34:52

"One eyelash, and a long one - that's all I need!

0:34:520:34:55

"I want it straight up. Straight up!

0:34:580:35:00

"And can you get these teeth in my mouth?"

0:35:020:35:05

The teeth are unbelievable.

0:35:070:35:09

They protrude in order to dig,

0:35:090:35:10

and they're able to seal their lips behind the teeth,

0:35:100:35:13

so they don't get dirt in their mouths when they're digging.

0:35:130:35:15

They live in a colony with a queen.

0:35:150:35:17

All the other colony members are infertile,

0:35:170:35:19

but they eat the pregnant queen's hormone-rich faeces,

0:35:190:35:24

and that gives the subordinate rats a boost of oestrogen,

0:35:240:35:27

and that makes them more attentive to the needs of the young.

0:35:270:35:29

But they're not the only ones who eat dung.

0:35:290:35:31

Baby elephants eat the dung of their mothers, and indeed,

0:35:310:35:33

other members of the herd,

0:35:330:35:35

because the bacteria is actually very good for them.

0:35:350:35:37

-So, in their vegetable diet...

-Are they doing that right there?

0:35:370:35:40

But it happens to humans, as well.

0:35:410:35:42

You know when you take antibiotics,

0:35:420:35:44

you should replace the good bacteria in your...

0:35:440:35:46

Aww...

0:35:460:35:47

How cute is that?

0:35:470:35:49

We sometimes get the bacteria in our gut depleted.

0:35:490:35:51

There's a thing called a poo pill, isn't there?

0:35:510:35:53

There IS a poo pill. There's also a faecal transplant.

0:35:530:35:56

Oh, yes, I've heard of that. Cos some people's guts have more bacteria than others.

0:35:560:35:59

-Yeah, and they've been doing it since the fourth century in China. It's known as yellow soup.

-Oh...!

0:35:590:36:04

So if you see that on the menu, don't order it.

0:36:040:36:07

Which naturally brings us to the matter of general ignorance.

0:36:080:36:10

Fingers on buzzers, please.

0:36:100:36:12

So, a nice, easy one to start with.

0:36:120:36:14

Which animal can jump the highest?

0:36:140:36:17

-Yes?

-Flea.

0:36:170:36:18

KLAXON BLARES

0:36:180:36:19

Oh!

0:36:190:36:21

It's not the flea.

0:36:260:36:28

It's the kangaroo.

0:36:280:36:29

Uh-oh.

0:36:290:36:31

KLAXON BLARES

0:36:310:36:32

No. The record, in fact, for a red kangaroo is ten feet

0:36:320:36:35

over a pile of timber, so we're looking for something

0:36:350:36:37

that can jump higher than that.

0:36:370:36:40

Yes, Cariad?

0:36:400:36:41

That one we learnt about earlier that has cogs for legs.

0:36:410:36:44

-The planthopper?

-Yeah.

-No.

0:36:440:36:45

Again, no.

0:36:450:36:47

KLAXON BLARES

0:36:470:36:49

Anybody... Any more for any more?

0:36:490:36:51

A monkey with a jet pack.

0:36:510:36:52

-DAVID:

-Could be any animal with a jet pack, to be honest.

0:36:540:36:57

-ROSS:

-No, because you need to have the straps over the...

0:36:570:37:00

The monkey's got to hold on.

0:37:000:37:02

If you put a jet pack on a horse, it's standing like that.

0:37:030:37:06

It's just going to shoot straight...

0:37:060:37:08

-DAVID:

-He's prancing.

0:37:100:37:11

-Its side. You could put it on its side.

-That's two jet packs.

0:37:110:37:14

We sometimes do experiments on this show, and why that hasn't come up...

0:37:140:37:17

It's not that. It's not that. It's not even on land.

0:37:190:37:22

Dolphin? Flying fish.

0:37:220:37:23

No, it's the shortfin mako shark.

0:37:230:37:26

It can jump 20 feet clear of the water.

0:37:260:37:29

-That's terrifying.

-Isn't that unbelievable?

0:37:290:37:31

Then pluck something out of the sky?

0:37:310:37:33

Yeah. A monkey on a jet pack.

0:37:330:37:35

More than a dolphin, even?

0:37:360:37:39

Yeah, it's one of the fastest swimming fish as well in the world.

0:37:390:37:42

35km an hour. 22mph.

0:37:420:37:45

But it is the highest jumper.

0:37:450:37:46

Wasn't flea right, relative to the flea's size, though?

0:37:460:37:49

Ah, but that wasn't the question.

0:37:490:37:51

Which animal can jump the highest?

0:37:510:37:53

Not in relation to its body size.

0:37:530:37:54

-Oh, you're so strict!

-I know.

0:37:540:37:56

-I like it, though.

-I know you do!

0:37:560:37:58

Fleas can jump vertically to a height of about seven inches,

0:38:010:38:03

which I suppose, for a flea, is a fantastic amount.

0:38:030:38:06

Froghoppers, which is also a tiny little bug -

0:38:060:38:08

they can jump four times further than fleas, and they're heavier,

0:38:080:38:11

as well, so a bit more impressive.

0:38:110:38:12

A tarantula can jump three feet.

0:38:120:38:15

SILENCE

0:38:150:38:16

LAUGHTER

0:38:160:38:18

We all paused to be frightened of that.

0:38:180:38:20

I'm scared to believe it in case it's like the hippo fact,

0:38:200:38:22

and you're just making it up again.

0:38:220:38:24

The myth, of course, is that elephants are the only mammals

0:38:240:38:27

that can't jump, but it's not the case - there are many others.

0:38:270:38:29

-White men?

-White men, yeah! White Men Can't Jump.

0:38:290:38:32

Hippos, rhinos, burrowing animals such as moles, and so on.

0:38:330:38:37

What do wolves howl at?

0:38:370:38:40

-Not the...

-Oh, no.

0:38:400:38:42

-Yes?

-Women walking past not wearing enough, because they're very sexist.

0:38:420:38:47

-I like that, and I want it to be correct.

-But it's not.

-It's not.

0:38:470:38:50

That's what's always got me about the idea of the wolf whistle,

0:38:500:38:52

cos wolves can't actually whistle.

0:38:520:38:54

So, like, strictly speaking,

0:38:540:38:56

if you're a builder on a building site and a woman walks past,

0:38:560:38:58

you should go, "Phrrrrp!"

0:38:580:39:00

But what are they howling at?

0:39:020:39:04

-DAVID:

-Are they howling at other wolves?

-The moon.

-The moon?

0:39:040:39:07

-KLAXON BLARES No.

-Other wolves.

0:39:070:39:09

It is other wolves. They're very intelligent animals

0:39:090:39:11

with very strong family ties and complicated social relations,

0:39:110:39:14

and they howl in order to communicate.

0:39:140:39:16

It so happens they sometimes howl when the moon is out.

0:39:160:39:18

Would you like to hear a mouse howling at the moon?

0:39:180:39:20

-Yes, please!

-Here we go.

0:39:200:39:22

VERY HIGHPITCHED SQUEAK

0:39:220:39:24

-DAVID:

-Is that your mic feeding back?

0:39:240:39:27

Isn't that the sweetest thing?

0:39:270:39:29

That is brilliant.

0:39:290:39:30

That is the southern grasshopper mouse

0:39:300:39:33

of southwestern USA and Mexico.

0:39:330:39:35

It's also known as the wolf mouse, because it has a reputation

0:39:350:39:37

of howling at the moon. I love these little creatures.

0:39:370:39:40

They're extremely aggressive hunters.

0:39:400:39:42

They catch and kill all sorts of prey,

0:39:420:39:44

and they have a resistance to poison.

0:39:440:39:46

They can actually catch and kill and eat a scorpion

0:39:460:39:50

while it's repeatedly stabbing it in the face.

0:39:500:39:52

I think they're astonishing. I like little and aggressive.

0:39:540:39:56

I have no trouble with that at all.

0:39:560:39:58

How many Earths does the moon have?

0:40:000:40:02

Yes?

0:40:050:40:06

One.

0:40:070:40:08

KLAXON BLARES

0:40:080:40:11

So, there's a staple question,

0:40:130:40:14

"How many moons does the Earth have?"

0:40:140:40:16

At various times, you'll get different answers -

0:40:160:40:18

two, several, one, more.

0:40:180:40:19

They're all arguable answers, but this is turning the question on its head -

0:40:190:40:22

how many Earths does the moon have?

0:40:220:40:24

Now, if you asked me about the ice planet Hoth...

0:40:240:40:27

We'd be in there. We'd be in there straightaway.

0:40:290:40:31

-DAVID:

-It's more than one, then?

0:40:310:40:33

Well, it depends on what theory you believe in.

0:40:330:40:35

So, the most widely accepted theory of how our moon was formed

0:40:350:40:38

is the Big Splat, OK? So, that proposes that it was created...

0:40:380:40:42

By a hippo?

0:40:420:40:43

..about four and a half billion years ago, there was a collision

0:40:450:40:48

between the Earth and another Mars-sized planet known as Thea.

0:40:480:40:51

And we've always assumed that the thing was a glancing blow, right,

0:40:510:40:55

and Thea would have spun off into space and left a large debris from

0:40:550:40:58

the collision, and that is our moon.

0:40:580:40:59

There's a more recent development of this idea,

0:40:590:41:01

which is that the collision was head-on, in which case,

0:41:010:41:04

the Earth is a fusion of two planets,

0:41:040:41:07

and it would mean that the moon, in fact, has two Earths.

0:41:070:41:11

If that is the thing that we believe.

0:41:110:41:12

Speaking of the moon, did you know that the original video recording

0:41:120:41:15

of the first moon landing on 20th July 1969 no longer exists?

0:41:150:41:19

Did you know this?

0:41:190:41:20

In 2006, NASA admitted they couldn't find the original videos,

0:41:200:41:24

and it turned out the tapes had been erased and reused

0:41:240:41:27

in the '80s to save money.

0:41:270:41:29

Luckily enough, there were some good archive copies found.

0:41:300:41:32

Does anybody know where I was on 20th July 1969?

0:41:320:41:36

Denmark? I don't know.

0:41:360:41:38

Were you faking the footage?

0:41:380:41:39

I was 11 years old.

0:41:400:41:42

-Were you there, in America?

-I was...

-On the moon?

0:41:420:41:44

I was in...

0:41:440:41:45

-I was in Mission Control in Houston.

-Yeah!

-You were?

-I was.

0:41:450:41:49

My dad was a foreign correspondent, and that's why I was there,

0:41:490:41:52

and I said to this woman, "Are you all right?"

0:41:520:41:54

She said, "I'm kinda nervous -

0:41:540:41:56

"my boss is about to step out onto the moon."

0:41:560:41:58

And I said, "Oh, don't worry, I'll hold your hand." Erm...

0:41:580:42:01

So, when Neil Armstrong stepped out onto the moon,

0:42:010:42:03

I was holding his secretary's hand.

0:42:030:42:05

Aww! Wow!

0:42:050:42:06

APPLAUSE There you go.

0:42:060:42:09

Sandi, you're like Earth's real-life Princess Leia.

0:42:140:42:17

Cos you were watching it there.

0:42:190:42:20

-Is that a good thing?

-Yes! That's definitely a good thing.

0:42:200:42:23

-Is that why you've had your hair done like her?

-Yes!

0:42:230:42:25

According to the latest version of the Big Splat,

0:42:250:42:27

the Earth may be a fusion of two planets,

0:42:270:42:29

which brings us to a nice, natural ending.

0:42:290:42:32

Let's have a look at the scores.

0:42:320:42:35

In last place, with minus 23, it's Alan.

0:42:350:42:38

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:380:42:39

In third place, with minus 16, it is David.

0:42:420:42:45

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:450:42:47

In second place, with minus five, it's Cariad.

0:42:500:42:52

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:42:520:42:54

And tonight's winner, with minus four, it's Ross.

0:42:570:42:59

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

0:42:590:43:00

So, it only remains for me to thank Cariad, David,

0:43:090:43:12

Ross and Alan, and as we seem to have wandered onto the moon,

0:43:120:43:15

I leave you with this tale from the News of the World long ago.

0:43:150:43:19

"A Guinness heiress yesterday protested that a busload

0:43:190:43:22

"of cheeky airmen mooned at her

0:43:220:43:24

"when she visited the Greenham Common Peace Women.

0:43:240:43:27

"'I don't know if they were American,

0:43:270:43:29

"'because I only saw their buttocks,'

0:43:290:43:31

"said novelist Lady Caroline Lowell, 51."

0:43:310:43:33

Good night.

0:43:330:43:34

APPLAUSE

0:43:340:43:37