Episode 3 Still Open All Hours

Ah, you're looking very tidy this day, ladies.

As opposed to looking like soiled bedding usually - is that it?

Ignore her. She's ageing badly.

Only on the outside.

Ooh, she's got her sights on you!

You're the only one who gets a smile.

That's not a smile.

That's stage one of a fatal bite.

What have you got for assassinating the man in your life?

What size?

Did you see that? It's learning new behaviour - and all of it is bad.

HE IMITATES CHALK SQUEAKING

Tell him we're just good friends! Tell h...

-Ooh, you!

-Control to Leroy, welcome to the planet Earth.

At this hour, you're welcome to it.

When I was your age,

by this time I'd been up so long it was nearly tomorrow.

I don't suppose you happen to stock Sanderson's little kidney pills?

Sanderson's? No, they went out in 1900.

Oh, my granny used to swear by them -

and could she swear!

Never had a granny. Although there's one aged about 35 in Cooper Street

I'd be happy to adopt.

You keep away from grannies.

They go off in this hot weather.

-What hot weather?

-Excuse me.

There's me and my kidney still waiting here.

Gastric, you don't need Sanderson's little kidney pills.

Are you sure you've even got a little kidney?

No, you see, I think we can do better.

What, better than Sanderson's?

Oh, yes. Now, then, in a recent survey,

four out of five people, when asked, said, "Sanderson's who?"

The fifth was a Bulgarian, but he thought he was in the Post Office.

I would have liked a granny.

They keep better hours.

Will you be quiet, when I am trying to lie?

Er, sell! When I am selling!

This is a liquid.

No fooling you, is there, eh?

Yes, but that is not a liquid, that is THE liquid.

"Doctor Proctor's - for coughs and sneezes."

I'm not seeing any mention of kidneys.

No, because we daren't mention kidneys.

We daren't mention livers or oesophagus

or pituitary glands cos that is discrimination.

It's a legal minefield.

I'd like a granny.

They knit you things, they remember birthdays and Christmas.

I'd come home from a hard day's delivering and you'd say,

"Oh, look what your granny sent you!"

I just thought I'd mention it.

So how does anybody know that this stuff is good for kidneys?

Well, it was voted Kidney Product Of The Year

by the Orpington Chamber of Commerce.

Not wishing to probe, Gastric, but has your kidney moved?

Where would it move to?

I'll tell you what, put your hand on your kidney.

Go on.

Yes. Right, I want you to take a deep breath and give me a big cough.

HE WHEEZES

That's a terrible cough, that is, isn't it?

Take two teaspoonfuls of that twice a day.

£5.75.

LOUD SQUEAK

I wasn't asleep. I was wondering

-how the Chinese economy will affect our pickled walnut sales.

-Yeah.

Anyway, Mrs Willshaw has just gone back to her lonely existence

with some cod roe and half a dozen dusty cupcakes.

Why lonely? I know he's not Hollywood material,

but she's got Mr Willshaw.

Yes, but Che says he lives in their shed.

He's building a robot.

Anyway, I don't know why you sold Gastric the cough medicine.

Because we had no Sanderson's little kidney pills.

I know, but what we do have in the warehouse

is those mints that we can't sell.

Now, you just said some naughty words.

-I hate that.

-Mints?

-"Can't sell"!

-We didn't sell the mints

because of their unfortunate side-effects.

They're still in there.

Maybe we ought to give them another chance, then.

At what price?

You had to reduce them.

They'll have forgotten about the reduction.

We'll try them again at full price.

So now they're nature mints?

Yes. Well, they didn't sell under the old name so now we're going

with the trend, aren't we? We're going green.

All this time you've been a flower person.

Can I ask,

what the heck is a wambo?

Ah, well, you would know it when you found it.

It's one of those deep-down rare mystical moments

when you realise that

you are the sparkle in a dew drop.

The fragment of a bird's song.

The love behind the wagging of a dog's tail.

Well, if I'm part of a dog's tail, I hope it's the far end.

How are you today, Mrs Featherstone?

Did you sleep well, Granville?

It's not something I would ask of a casual acquaintance,

but we've had our special moments.

We have?

Or am I wrong?

Are they still to come?

I slept well, Mrs Featherstone.

Alone, like me.

I know the feeling.

That empty side of your bed, and mine.

Acres of space to roll around in, if you're so inclined.

How are you on inclined, Granville?

Devoutly single bed.

-Cosy.

-Hardly room to turn over.

That's the best kind. Romance can thrive on the tight turnover.

How is Mr Newbold?

Oh, I don't think of Mr Newbold in terms of bed space.

Not yet.

The position is still open.

I've got some nice broccoli.

Well, if we're going into advertising,

I've got several flimsy nighties with very little wear and tear.

Despite the attention of three husbands.

They couldn't have been paying very much attention.

It wasn't encouraged.

I'm sorry to say that none of them knew how to -

how shall I put this? -

ignite the sacred flame.

How much is your broccoli?

The broccoli? Oh, yes.

Broccoli. I've got plenty of nighties, yes. Er, broccoli.

-Broccoli.

-Am I disturbing you, Granville?

-Hm.

-Good. I'll take half a pound.

-Half a pound, right.

We're in kilos now.

Oh, you continentals, you know how to arouse the interest of a girl.

Nature mints?

You can keep your nature mints.

Come in, Cyril.

Bring your complaint with you.

Complaint?

I should think so.

Good. That's good. Now you're on the path.

I'm going green.

Only your tongue, but that's good.

A green tongue is good?

The missus won't allow me in the bedroom. She thinks I'm radioactive.

Don't worry, it'll fade and it will disappear.

What, the whole tongue?!

No, no, not the whole tongue.

Anyway, you should welcome the green.

You think I'm in a hurry to be green?

It's a light-green coating and it's one of South America's most magical

herbal remedies.

It comes from the Amazon.

It's the secret of a lost tribe.

Lost in their own jungle?

Is that a recommendation?

If the tongue goes green, you are on the brink of finding your wambo.

And then what? What am I to do with it?

Is it something that's going to impress the wife?

How can she resist?

She has ways.

Stand still. Don't make a sound.

I thought I could sense something.

Just cup your hands behind your ears like that.

Listen hard.

Sometimes enlightenment starts with just a small squeak.

DOG TOY SQUEAKS

I heard that.

-What?

-A definite squeak.

-You didn't hear it?

-No.

No. Only you can hear your own wambo.

It's a very personal and - dare we say - almost magical thing.

-OK. One more question.

-Mm-hm.

Will the squeak come again?

It is only to the chosen.

To those on the brink of finding their wambo.

I'm ready.

I'm on the path.

SQUEAK!

So he left her, just like that.

Went to Cleethorpes in search of adventure.

Well, a man has to do what a man has to do.

-Did he find it?

-She doesn't know.

He never came back.

There's a rumour that Mr Ellis's tongue has gone green.

Oh, it wears off. Look.

How does a tongue wear its green off?

Just...normal wear and tear.

Well, if yours ever goes green and you need any help...

So I'm talking things over with Cyril and Mr Newbold,

and it's uncanny, really.

We find we all have the same secret desire.

I know.

All this time we've been trying to fight off the need for adventure.

Trying to ignore the urge to test ourselves.

Just in case you might be worried about us.

But it's too big to ignore.

We're looking for that place where man and his challenge

become one almost spiritual identity.

Once we've sucked up the pain.

I'm talking flat-out dangerous here.

Mm.

It's a man thing.

I always knew it was for me,

but it's nice how keen Cyril and Mr Newbold are to follow me.

To put their lives in my hands.

I'll see they're OK.

But one thing we're all agreed on.

There's absolutely no way we're letting our womenfolk

talk us out of this. Cos we are there.

We are in the zone!

-Eric...

-Mm?

You are so full of doo-doo.

She said that to Christopher Columbus.

Who?

Mrs Columbus!

Yes, that's very good, Mr Lomax.

Yes, that's green.

-Very good, yes.

-Good?

You're finding your wambo stage one.

Yes.

You're going to be a natural.

HE MUMBLES

No, put it back in and try again.

Will it wear off?

Yes, of course, no problem.

No problem for YOU.

I've had a green tongue since this morning.

The wife daren't look.

Oh, dear. My advice to you is,

don't go around sticking your tongue out at your wife.

Ah, excuse me just a moment.

They're turning people green again.

Quick, stick your tongue out.

No, not like that.

Put it right out.

It won't go right out.

It's nervous.

It's wondering what you're up to.

Just a moment, Mr Lomax, come and look at this.

I'm sorry about that, he's got a shy tongue.

Look, there you can see.

His tongue an hour ago was green, but look at it now.

-What are we looking for?

-Oh, bring your friends, why don't you?

Relax! Quiet. Now... We're looking for traces of green.

Well, if you want green...

You too?

Nature mints?

Nature mints.

It'll pass, it'll wear off. Look, look. An hour ago his tongue

was green, and so was mine,

but look at them now. Look at his, look at mine.

Now look what you've done. You've lost me... Oh.

You've lost me a customer.

Oh, heck.

Ah, Mrs Featherstone.

All right, I'll get you for that.

I'm glad somebody can put the wind up you.

I can handle Mrs Featherstone.

Well, she keeps giving you the opportunity.

She scares you witless.

No, she does not.

In public, I have to be civil to her.

But if I get her alone, I'd soon sort her out.

That I'd like to see!

-Ah...

-Eh?

-Yes?

-Hm.

They think we're a bunch of wusses.

It's time we put a boot through that image.

Earn some respect.

Let them see us at danger's edge.

I just feel so damned uncomfortable.

We have to eat the pain.

Wear it like a badge.

We've got to be awesome. We're bonding here, I can feel it.

Three guys about to tackle serious white-water in a flimsy boat.

Sorry, but I have to ask, how is that helping me

with Mrs Featherstone?

Image.

Aura. It's, "Goodbye, Pussy, hello, 007."

They're going to look at us with eyes like the most devoted

golden retriever.

You say jump, and Mrs Featherstone will jump.

On days, when you're feeling good...

..you'll throw her a bone.

Where do I get a bone?

She's got me on salads.

Every full moon, we grocers gather in a meadow

to celebrate the lunar festivities,

and to which we are allowed to invite one maiden.

Would they let me in anyway?

Are you prepared to be sacrificed?

-Does it hurt?

-Only when you laugh.

Are you coming?

Are you going to be here all day?

Have you got what you came for?

I've forgotten what it was now, with you coming in all gobby.

It's him. He distracts you and then he sells you any old rubbish.

He's never diddled me yet.

It remains an ambition.

-Who is this old lady? Do we know this person?

-I know YOU.

You're turning people green.

I should need double mints for the length of some people's tongues.

Oh, look who's talking!

You've got more rattle than Gastric's Mini.

Get a move on, you. I'll be outside.

SHE HISSES

-I'll have to go.

-All right.

Fish and chips later?

Don't bring vinegar.

Leave her at home.

Oh... I just passed Madge.

I went, "Hello, Madge."

And she went, "Urgh."

-Did you smile?

-Of course I smiled. I gave her my big one.

Wrong move. They like misery.

Tell her a sad story.

Gets them every time.

Your lady friend is waiting for you round the corner in Gastric's Mini.

Be gentle with her.

She's on her last legs.

Who, Mavis?

No, the car.

Who's looking after the shop?

I'll mind the shop.

Nobody quite says, "Hello, Granville," like Mavis.

Hello, Granville.

Mrs Featherstone?

-We need to talk, Granville.

-We do.

-About our future.

-Our future?

You wouldn't want to tie yourself, would you,

to someone who is clearly fading?

-I've buried three, Granville - what's a fourth?

-Fourth? Fourth?

Come along. I want to take you and show you my favourite spot.

I thought you were going to show me your favourite spot.

It's here, look, right before your eyes.

Mrs Featherstone!

You've got a flat.

Oh! They're not bad for my age.

No, the tyre!

I can hear the air escaping.

I have to get back to give Leroy his overcharging lessons.

He's failed basic avarice twice.

I sometimes wonder if he's going to make it all the way.

Well, YOU'VE just had every opportunity.

Good grief, is that the time?

Do we really need to be checking for leaks?

Since we're not actually going near any water.

We don't have to go near any water,

we just have to look as if we're going.

Act professional. We don't want to look like a bunch of wannabes.

To tell you the truth, I'm fairly comfortable with wannabe.

But we have to get the word out, and this is the place.

This is not just a shop, this is News Central.

This is where the word gets spread.

It all happens here.

No more ordinary days.

We are Team Hazard now.

What is it you keep listening for?

Just listening.

Oh, good day to you, Mr Willshaw.

She told you, didn't she?

-About my robot.

-Well,

Mrs Willshaw did say that you were working on one.

I bet you laughed. They all laugh.

"Old Willshaw's building a robot. Ha-ha-ha. He-he."

Yes, well, we'll see who laughs.

It comes around corners on command.

What's it doing round there?

I hope you haven't programmed it to shoplift, have you?

No, no, no. I'm not saying I couldn't,

but, relax, Elvis is honest.

-Elvis?

-I've called it Elvis.

Now, watch this. I've trained Elvis to respond to voice commands.

Oh, good.

Elvis! Come.

BUZZING AND WHIRRING

WHIRRING STOPS

You have to get the voice just right.

Ah, right.

Elvis! Come.

WHIRRING

You said you weren't going to do this.

Just needs a tweak.

Oh, right, of course. Yeah.

Excuse me. Hang about.

What's this, the fleet's in?

This is an adventure craft.

It's part of our new image.

We're putting our lives on the line in this.

Hence the silly costumes.

Now, where are you going with it anyway?

To the limit.

And to the zone.

We've trained for this.

We're at the peak.

Hello, sailor.

I can't stop. Danger calls.

Where do you think you're going dressed like that?

-To the limit.

-Not with me, you're not.

Not till we've completed the paperwork.

Now, lift, come on, get this thing out of here!

Take all this...

HISSING

-It's alive!

-Help!

-Help!

Mind your head!

THEY SHOUT AND YELL

HISSING

'Oh, that Mrs Featherstone really knows

'how to deflate the men around here.

'The Black Widow in a Mini.

'Ugh.

'I'll never get rid of that image.

'Oh, I tell a lie.

'It's fading already.'

I thought we might go somewhere and see if we can find OUR wambo.

Well, if you just wait until I can get rid of this stuff,

I think I can remember exactly where we left it.