D Is for Drastic Times Sunny D


D Is for Drastic Times

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This programme contains some strong language

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What I'm struggling to understand, Clark,

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is why all the people that need saving are strippers.

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Clark... Oh, female strippers, Clark.

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and why you need their pictures on your phone. I mean,

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you haven't got a picture of the old lady you saved from a gas leak.

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If I put a fire out in a strip club,

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those strippers are going to want to thank me, Lois.

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How is that my fault?

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It's a kryptonian thing.

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You wouldn't understand.

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Oh! Drop dead!

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Where are you going now, Lois? Going in the bedroom to call your mother?

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I can see through the door, Lois, I've got X-ray vision!

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I wish I could call my mother, but she died when my planet exploded.

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I'm an orphan, Lois!

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Oh, oh. What are those?

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Kryptonic pants from your mother.

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Oh, that's mature, Lois, real mature.

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You realise I've got two jobs, Lois.

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One of them is saving the world, Lois!

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PHONE BEEPS

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'This better be PPI.'

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HE SIGHS

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'Where's a tax rebate scam when you want one?'

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Nicola's dad, frickin' Jamaar, let me tell you about this douche bag.

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The word pussyhole isn't in the dictionary, but if it was,

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then his picture would be there.

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He's the reason Fathers For Justice can't get any.

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Eight kids, three mothers to the children,

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Jamaar practises what I like to call ABC fatherhood -

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Appearing Birthdays and Christmases only...

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or when he needs money.

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Why?

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He's busy pursuing his career.

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You see, Jamaar's going to be the next king of the dancehall,

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the best reggae artist in all of Jamaica!

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Even though he was born in Bristol.

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You don't know.

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Me are the best artist in Jamaica, England and Canada.

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Beenie, Maxi, Vibes, then me.

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Nobody can't test me, so don't watch me.

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HE SUCKS THROUGH TEETH

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We don't watch you, that's what child support services does.

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If only you were as good at reaching nativity plays and parents' evening

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as you were at reaching the dancehall.

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Nicola worked hard to make something of herself

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and now she's a doctor I see the heroine of this movie.

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Jamaar sees a lottery ticket.

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If there's one thing Jamaar hates

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more than his responsibilities it's me

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because apparently I'm...

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Too bumbaclart sarf.

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Look at him, always bawling about how hard his life is

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when he has my daughter, who's going to have all the money and success

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that she should be sharing with her family...

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like with the man that brought her into this world.

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And left her there.

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HE SUCKS THROUGH HIS TEETH

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Why are you still here?

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Why am I still here?

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Mm...

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Oh, yes, I live here.

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Well, tick-tock because two weeks you said, and I quote...

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'I'm moving out. Two weeks from today, I'm gone.

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'Engagement or not, I'm leaving.'

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Oh, and I quote, "My name is Kadean. I get dressed in the dark.

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"Is that a cake? Rrrah, rrah, rrah!"

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That is a binding contract.

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-Plans change.

-Binding!

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Why must we have all this planning?

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You know? Why can't everyone just relax?

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Huh?

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I feel sick.

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SHE HUMS CONGRATULATIONS

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Here's the groom!

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-So proud of you, Dane.

-Thanks, Mum.

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Congratulations, Dane.

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Have you set a date?

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Oh, we don't want to rush anything, you know.

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-Rush?

-Oh, we'll take our time.

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Time?

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Dane, when a man makes a commitment,

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he sticks to it.

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That's what makes it a commitment.

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Otherwise it's just words.

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Of course, I get it, Dad. I'm a man of my word.

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Nicola and I are engaged now.

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You were engaged to Nicola already, fool.

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Morning, Daddy.

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We've arranged for Nicola's father to come round here this evening.

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Full steam ahead with the wedding plans. Choo-choo!

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(Fuck you!)

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Great, I look forward to it.

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'An evening with my future father-in-law,

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'and Jamaar-athon - great(!)'

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Don't get me wrong, Nicola is definitely the love of my life.

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She's the best thing that's ever happened to me,

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she's my Juliet, my Jada Pinkett,

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the Rochelle to my Marvin, the Catwoman to my Batman,

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my Bridget Jones -

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not that I've watched that film,

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at least not on my own anyway.

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She's the one, if there is such a thing.

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# Hey, lady

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# Let me tell you why

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# I can't live my life

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# Without you

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# Oh, baby

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# Every time I see you walking by I get a thrill

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# You don't notice me

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# But in time you will

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# I must make you understand

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# I'm gonna be your man

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# I wanna be your man... #

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'I do want to be with her, but married?

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'I mean, isn't heterosexual marriage a bit outdated now?'

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I guess I'm afraid. What the hell is wrong with me?

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COMPUTER BEEPS

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With 42 percent of marriages ending in divorce,

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I don't want to be another statistic.

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'Your 30s, you begin life as two halves of the same whole

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'and quickly realise that one half is making a lot of the decisions.'

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-Low-fat?

-Just put it in the trolley.

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BOTTLE SMASHES

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Just wait in the car.

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'And so it begins.

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'You quickly realise everything the Brady Bunch taught you

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'about starting a family was wrong.'

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Can you stop her, please, Dane?

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Don't throw things, sweetie.

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This is all your fault.

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This is because you don't know how to co-parent.

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Yes, dear.

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Where are you going?

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'There's only way one way to future-proof yourself...'

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Vasectomy.

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'By the time you hit 40,

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'you're emotionally numb and physically worthless.

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'The job has destroyed your motivation,

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'you can't be bothered to talk to your partner over dinner,

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'let alone the show an interest in what your child is doing.'

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-Dane, can you tell her, please?

-Yes, dear.

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At least someone's fingers are getting some action.

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Fine. You can have the talk with her, then.

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I'll get the books.

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'The laughs around the family meal table have gone,

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'replaced with a silence so loud it echoes.'

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HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGS

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'Staggering into old age, you realise you've managed to push away

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'anyone who you thought would bring you a moment of happiness.

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'Your only salvation now will come from JC himself

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'as he guides you into the light.'

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Yeah, yeah!

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Ugh!

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'As you drift into oblivion,

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'you draw your last breath to say your final piece.

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'This is your legacy, you mustn't waste it.'

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Shut up, Kadean.

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Ugh!

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Dane...

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MUSIC: Mexican Hat Dance

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COMPUTER BEEPS

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'Reminder, office closes at 5pm

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'so all employees can prepare for the departmental football match.

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'This means you, Dane.

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'I'll need you to manage those balls for my benefit.'

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SHE SQUEALS

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So, you're engaged now, Dane.

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Have you been monitoring my internet use, Kerry?

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-Of course.

-Do we have to go through this again?

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Do I need to explain to you why this engagement is

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the worst idea you've ever had?

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Well, it's all a bit, you know ...

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Oh, have you volunteered for castration?

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You might as well. What use are your balls

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if you're only going to share them with one woman?

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'It's not technically sharing

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'if they're still safely in your fiancee's pocket.'

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Is that what you are now, Dane? Mr Whipped?

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Yeah, OK.

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Bitches be crazy!

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'I have never met anyone so obsessed by balls.'

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Feel the squat, kids.

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It's a department store toilet on a Saturday afternoon,

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you don't want to touch the rim.

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Yes, it's very simple - claw the opponent.

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Claw the opponent.

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Yeah, get a shovel and dig this. I'm fired up!

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Yeah, you're feeling good!

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Shut up, Janet! Game day, ladies and gentlemen.

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Remember, I am your Alex Ferguson and you're my Man United,

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and anyone who lets me down will be out of the transfer window.

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I mean, literally out the window

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with your P45 as a fucking parachute.

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So let's get out there.

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Yes, off you go.

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'I don't think sport is necessarily

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'the most important thing in the world,

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'especially when it's organised by work,

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'but you need to understand...'

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I've always been competitive.

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Having a twin like Kadean, the fight begins in the womb.

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I was born into competition.

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Lawrence, the babies are kicking.

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I can't feel anything.

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That's because they're kicking each other.

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I can't be held responsible for the way I am now.

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'So, you join us again at the ARSE inter-departmental football match.'

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Do we have an Italian in the house? Cos I can see some hot meatballs.

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You're so slick and black, you're looking like an oil spill.

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Let's call BP in to clean this up.

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You look like Seal if he was an actual seal.

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I know you're sweaty, don't worry about it,

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let that sweat drip off your face onto your black body.

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You're looking like a chocolate fountain out there,

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it makes me want to dip my strawberry in it.

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It's been a tough week for the accounts team and, well, now...

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'Oh, aggressive play from young Dane there.'

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You want to chat to me about quarterly budgets?

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You'd didn't care about the budget

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when you ate my Kit-Kat when I was on holiday, did you?

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You wanted a break? Here's a break, Jerome!

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'Yes, he's had some issues to deal with off the pitch

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'and I think we're seeing that in his performance today.'

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80p in a vending machine, Jerome.

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'Let's see what the young player has to say for himself.'

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I let myself down out there,

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I let the boss down, all the kids at home that are watching.

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I mean, there weren't any kids, but if there had been.

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I let Nicola, my fiancee, down.

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Nicola, shit! I'm meant to be having a wedding meeting today!

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Hey, where do you think you're going?

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-Home. I got sent off.

-I get it.

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-Off to the sin bin with you, eh, Dane?

-That's ice hockey.

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Oh. Home for a soapy bath?

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The phrase is "early bath" and it...

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Doesn't matter. I've got to run.

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OK, well, let's just hope nobody's hidden your clothes

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as punishment for that nasty outburst.

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Got to get me some more of that vitamin D.

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# Girl, let's just get married

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# I just wanna get married. #

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'Late...for a wedding meeting.

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'This is going to be unbearable.'

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-I know, I know.

-You're late.

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-Yes.

-Yes.

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Yes, I'm sorry, OK?

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Well, I think, if you love somebody,

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then you should be with them for ever.

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Then why haven't you proposed to the fridge, Kadean?

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Nic, your dad not come?

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Wouldn't be the first time he hasn't bothered.

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-Ha-ha! Jamaar always comes.

-Oh, Dad!

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Hush your mouth, child!

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Be glad the world love your father.

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Dane.

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HE SUCKS THROUGH HIS TEETH

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Jamaar.

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HE SUCKS THROUGH HIS TEETH

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Dane.

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HE SUCKS THROUGH HIS TEETH

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Jamaar.

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HE SUCKS THROUGH HIS TEETH

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Dane.

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BOTH SUCK THROUGH THEIR TEETH

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What about you, eh, Stephan? You got a girl yet?

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No? You're not settling down to make a few babies for yourself, man?

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You got to have a boy, definitely got to have a boy.

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I've got eight of them. Different baby mothers, but you get me.

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I'm opting out of Western ideals at the moment.

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Sowing those wild oats, are you?

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You got all the time in the world, my man, you got all the time.

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But, you - you've got no time.

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I happen to have a boyfriend, thank you.

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Oh, yeah, the boyfriend who exists purely online.

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As if I'd bring him here to meet you, you rodent.

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What's his name again? Carlos?

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-Ketchup?

-His name is Kavante

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and he happens to be a genius, thank you very much.

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-Is this the singer, Kadean?

-Yeah.

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He's an online singing sensation, actually.

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Er, a few clicks on YouTube does not a megastar make.

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Anyway, I want a word with you.

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How does everyone know about Nic and I getting engaged, Kadean?

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I can't wait, I'm going to get the most amazing bridesmaid's dress.

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Then I'm going to get my hair done like Rihanna.

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Then I'm going to get my heels and they'll be this high...

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How am I supposed to know it's some big secret?

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-I knew it!

-What is wrong with her telling people, Dane?

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Because it's not her business.

0:13:580:14:00

Dial it back a little, brother.

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There's an alien in the camp today.

0:14:030:14:06

We need to reel that one in, remember?

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Get my man on side. I'm here to help.

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It's just different for the youths nowadays, innit?

0:14:130:14:16

Gossiping with his little friend.

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I mean, where's your balls, boy?

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I'm telling you, you'd better be there for my daughter.

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Like you were, Jamaar?

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-So there's never been a day you weren't there for her?

-Enough.

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Unlike you, my boy, I didn't have some cushy job in the city.

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Man had a real man job back in my day.

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Ask your father, he knows, yeah?

0:14:350:14:37

Men like us didn't sit behind some desk with some lickle mouse.

0:14:370:14:41

You're still afraid of mice, Dane?

0:14:410:14:43

SHE SNIGGERS

0:14:430:14:44

-What?

-Why are you telling people things like that?

0:14:440:14:47

"People"? He's my dad, Dane.

0:14:470:14:49

Hey, I bet you've not seen no pubic hair on a woman before, have you?

0:14:490:14:53

-I, er...

-I'm telling you, in my days,

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if we pull down some panty

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and see a ewok doin' a somersault,

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we still went in. You know why?

0:14:590:15:01

-Because we were men.

-Dad!

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Even if you got STD, we didn't care about that. And you know what?

0:15:040:15:08

If you got one, you just drink a Lucozade and walk that off.

0:15:080:15:11

Well, that explains your unfortunate sexual history, doesn't it, Jamaar?

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Don't talk back, Dane, yeah?

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Me and your father from a different generation, yeah?

0:15:180:15:21

I can feel the hardship from back home running through my veins.

0:15:210:15:24

You? You've grown nice.

0:15:240:15:26

You don't know one thing about struggle, my youth.

0:15:260:15:29

Weren't you born here, Jamaar?

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I don't think Bristol and Kingston are that similar.

0:15:310:15:34

Oh, and how's that dancehall career going, Jamaar? Any bookings? No?

0:15:340:15:38

-Oh, that's a shame(!)

-I said that's enough.

0:15:380:15:41

This is the boy you want?

0:15:410:15:43

Dad, Dane totally understands that you have got artistic integrity.

0:15:430:15:47

You hear that, boy? I got integrity.

0:15:470:15:50

Unlike you, living here with your mother and father.

0:15:500:15:53

And you think my daughter is going to be your...

0:15:530:15:55

# Night nurse... #

0:15:550:15:57

-Mercy!

-Dane, let me get back to planning the wedding. Try this cake.

0:15:570:16:01

-Tell me what you think.

-You've decided on a cake already?

0:16:010:16:04

Yes, I am, Dane, cos that's what you do when you get engaged -

0:16:040:16:08

-you plan a wedding.

-Fine, I'll eat the whole damn thing.

0:16:080:16:12

You're eating with a fork?!

0:16:140:16:16

-And you want to marry my Nicole?!

-Nicola.

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You're not ready for that yet, boy. Yeah? Look at you -

0:16:190:16:23

too bloody soft!

0:16:230:16:24

You want to see how soft I am, Jamaar?

0:16:240:16:26

You can't even step to a girl.

0:16:260:16:28

-How you think you're going to step to me?

-This is all your fault.

-Me?

0:16:280:16:31

You're the one going around telling everyone. Well, I hope you're happy.

0:16:310:16:34

I'm beginning to wonder whether you even want this wedding at all, Dane.

0:16:340:16:38

Well, do you?

0:16:380:16:40

'It's not about what I want,

0:16:430:16:45

'it's what about what I've been sentenced to.'

0:16:450:16:47

And just how shall I punish this young man?

0:16:470:16:50

What cruel fate awaits him?

0:16:500:16:52

Let him be...

0:16:520:16:53

..married!

0:16:550:16:57

No, please, no!

0:16:570:16:58

Please, sire!

0:16:580:17:00

I don't have the finances for marriage,

0:17:000:17:02

I have many tuppences to my name.

0:17:020:17:04

Well, do you?

0:17:040:17:06

As a Nubian, I'm thankful for this glorious day, for the air,

0:17:060:17:11

-for the sky...

-Shut up, Stephan!

-Don't you dare tell him to shut up!

0:17:110:17:14

He's my best friend, I can say what I like to him.

0:17:140:17:17

-If me and Nicola break up, it'll be all your fault.

-Good riddance!

0:17:170:17:20

Stay and live at your momma house for ever.

0:17:200:17:23

-You can't stay here!

-Living in Mummy house for ever.

0:17:230:17:26

I need his room back now.

0:17:260:17:28

Lickle baby, lickle baby!

0:17:280:17:31

My, you pussy or what?

0:17:310:17:32

You can't stay here!

0:17:320:17:34

Why don't you fuck off, Jamaar, you prick?!

0:17:340:17:37

I need Dane to move out now because...

0:17:420:17:44

..I'm pregnant!

0:17:480:17:49

You're what?

0:17:490:17:51

Yeah, what?

0:17:540:17:55

'Now, you may be thinking, how shit of a twin am I?

0:17:570:18:00

'Aren't you effectively one half of the same person?'

0:18:000:18:02

Blah, blah, blah.

0:18:020:18:04

And the answer is no. No, we are not.

0:18:040:18:07

Because I take after my parents and she takes after

0:18:070:18:09

Satan, Satan, Satan!

0:18:090:18:12

Come to think of it, though, the clues were there.

0:18:130:18:16

'That juice she was sipping at the party was light on the gin

0:18:160:18:19

'and heavy on the juice

0:18:190:18:21

'and, if she wasn't hung over, there's only one explanation.'

0:18:210:18:24

I feel sick.

0:18:240:18:25

Hm, what do you know?

0:18:250:18:28

Is this true, Kadean?

0:18:280:18:30

Yes, Daddy.

0:18:300:18:32

Yes, it is.

0:18:330:18:35

Sweet Jesus!

0:18:350:18:37

I know you're expecting to hear, douf-douf-douf-douf-douf.

0:18:390:18:43

But we are not doing that.

0:18:430:18:45

This is a sensitive time for my sister and it's not that show.

0:18:450:18:48

Roll credits, please.

0:18:500:18:52

# Oh-oh, baby

0:18:520:18:54

# How do I know I'm a lady?

0:18:540:18:56

# How do I know she baby?

0:18:560:18:59

# Yeah

0:18:590:19:01

# Sometimes I wonder how I never make it to

0:19:010:19:04

# Into this world without having you

0:19:040:19:07

# I just wouldn't have a clue

0:19:070:19:10

# When I see you smile

0:19:110:19:15

# I see the rings of life

0:19:150:19:16

# Oh-oh... #

0:19:160:19:18

A ewok doing a somersault.

0:19:180:19:20

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