Episode 7 Would I Lie to You?

Good evening, welcome to Would I Lie To You?,

the show in which it pays to be economical with the truth.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,

the lead singer and founder of the Happy Mondays,

who made a fortune in the '90s,

obviously from the tooth fairy.

It's Shaun Ryder!

And a comedian who quit his job as a builder to do a comedy show

and never went back -

I've had builders like that.

It's the star of Murder In Successville, Tom Davis!

And on Lee Mack's team tonight,

the funniest thing to come out of Germany since...

Anyone? No?

Henning Wehn!

And a Radio 1 DJ who plays the very latest

in house, garage and techno funk.

I listen in whilst driving to my bowls club.

It's Clara Amfo!

And, so, to Round 1, Home Truths, where our panellists each

read out a statement from the card in front of them.

To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,

so they've no idea what they'll be faced with.

And it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

Henning is first up.

For three weeks, I carted an empty box around

without realising that what I'd bought wasn't actually in it.

-David's team.

-Right. What was it? What did you imagine it was?

What it was...

It was a...

No, don't let me lie... It was...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

There was... In there was

a plastic Christmas tree.

-That's what you thought was in there?

-Absolutely.

For three weeks?

That's something you open quite quickly after buying it,

a Christmas tree.

No, it's about the suspense, isn't it?

Christmas is all about suspense and...

I don't think it's all about suspense.

Because, in general, when you buy a box that you think contains

an artificial Christmas tree, you just assume that it does.

You don't go, "I wonder if it's really in there?"

If you're seriously wondering if it's really in there,

you'd check before you left the shop, wouldn't you?

Yeah, maybe I've chosen my words not very wisely.

Some of it got lost in translation.

Where did you buy it, by the way?

Er...at Argos.

As you left the shop,

did it not occur to you that it was quite light, this box?

Yes, but...

Now it gets interesting.

No, because, I...

Shortly before that, I'd started doing yoga.

To increase my...

To improve my core strength.

So I didn't think anything of it.

I thought, "I'm in such good physical shape..."

"..I can lift this box without it straining me."

The queues at Argos are huge. How long were you in the queue for?

For ages.

So it was a few weeks later that you opened it, ready for Christmas.

Nothing was in there. What happened next?

Well, I kept the box, didn't I?

So you went on to have this Christmas without

a Christmas tree in your flat?

I actually, believe it or not,

-I did use the box instead of the Christmas tree.

-As a tree?

-Because...

-As a Christmas tree?

Yeah, because there was pictures of a Christmas tree.

The saddest Christmas ever.

APPLAUSE

-I have one further question.

-Yes?

Why were you carrying this box around with you for three weeks?

When I say... I didn't take it to social occasions.

I didn't say to the box, "Do we want to go down the park?"

Then the box, "What, end of November? Far too cold." So...

I did not ask you whether or not you socialised with the box.

When I went... I tell you what.

I took the box into town with me on one occasion.

I went all the way into Leicester Square with the box.

Why, on the occasion that you were going into Leicester Square,

did you take it with you?

That is a very good question, David.

And I shall give you the answer.

Because the box and I...

..were going to do a comedy show.

On how many journeys did you take this Christmas tree

other than the one from Argos to your flat

and the one from your flat to the comedy show in Leicester Square?

Can we just keep it a bit lighter? He's not up for a war crime.

Not on this occasion, anyway.

Just slightly lighten things up a bit.

-David, what do you think?

-What do you think, Shaun?

I'm sort of having it a little bit, cos anything you buy from Argos,

even if it's a big wardrobe, it doesn't weigh anything,

when you walk out with the box.

-Are you an Argos man, Shaun?

-I used to be.

-Really?

-Big-time, yeah.

What stopped you?

Er, fame.

APPLAUSE

Tom?

I think he's...

I mean, it's a ridiculous story,

but I mean, he's a canny, canny fella.

-So shall we go for true?

-Yeah.

-True?

-We're going to say true.

-All right. Henning?

Truth or lie?

This story is...

true.

APPLAUSE

It's true. Henning did cart an empty box around for three weeks.

Shaun Ryder, you're next.

I have trained my cat to wink.

What kind of cat do you have, Shaun?

It's just a black cat.

And how old is this cat?

I've had him about five years.

And was he a good student?

I thought he was.

Has anybody else ever said, "The cat's winking"?

When you say it, Henning, we're in dangerous territory.

It might be better if Lee represents the team.

Yes, I'll say it. So, tell me how you teach a cat to wink.

Right, you look at the cat,

and its eyes get bigger and bigger and bigger,

and I'd try and do these mind games with it as though

-I could speak to it from your mind...

-Yeah.

..and it'd wink and stuff.

-So you would wink and it would sort of copy you?

-Yeah.

Were you doing anything like gently prodding it in the eye?

No, I wasn't. No.

Would you then reward him when he did your bidding?

Well, I would. He'd sort of get up and go and make a cup of tea.

What do you mean, he went and made a cup of tea?

He'd sort of get up off the chair and he'd go in the kitchen

and stand near the kettle.

So that was my sort of thing to think that he wanted a tea.

So he'd jump up on the counter top near the kettle?

And I'd make him a drink.

-What would you make him?

-Well, tea.

Hot tea?

Are you sure this was a cat and not, like, a friend or a wife?

So how long did this cat wink for? Was it a whole year of winking?

No, he carried on winking till he got run over.

Tell me he wasn't practising in the street.

"What if I close my right eye now?"

"I wonder if I can do both eyes at the same time."

APPLAUSE

What do you think, Lee? Is this true?

I think it sounds entirely plausible, start to finish.

Really?

I want these two gentlemen removed from the studio.

I truly believe that you did see your cat winking to you

or at least you thought you saw it.

But to be fair, he didn't say,

"I once think I saw my cat winking," he said, "I taught my cat to wink."

I can't get my cat to poo outside.

If you can't get your cat to poo outside,

you should have a look at the flap.

I've just been doing the Shaun method.

I gave him a set of keys and said, "Come and go as you please."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

All right. We need an answer. What's it going to be?

All right, Clara, so you're saying it's true?

I reckon he's telling the truth.

-OK. Henning?

-Yeah, definitely.

I won't lie. I'm very much doubting it,

but I've got to go with my team.

If I were you now, I'd be very worried at the standard of my team.

Shaun, truth or lie?

Absolute garbage.

Sorry.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it was a lie.

Shaun hasn't trained his cat to wink.

-Clara, you're next.

-OK.

I was grabbed by security after sticking my finger in

Pharrell's belly button.

Now, David, Pharrell is a popular singer.

You might know him from his songs Happy or Get Lucky,

which he did with the Daft Punks.

-Daft Punk.

-Pardon?

-Not plural. Daft Punk.

That's what I said.

I've got no idea what it is.

# I'm up all night with the sun

# She's up all night to have fun

# I'm up all night to get lucky

# We're up all night to get lucky... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We'll need to get you in the Live Lounge.

I don't know what that is, but fine!

The Live Lounge is the penultimate room

in an old people's home.

You put your finger in his belly button.

-Yeah.

-What happened?

I just happened to be in the same room as him one night.

-That always happens to me when I'm in the same room as someone.

-Yeah?

Walk up, stick my finger in their belly button.

Some cultures, it's just "hello".

-Exactly.

-What was the room?

It was a party room.

So were you talking to him at the point you did this,

or did you just, sort of, charge across the room,

index finger at the ready?

"I'm doing it!"

Dressed as a knight on the back of a horse.

THEY LAUGH

You lifted him like that.

He is quite... He's a little man, you know.

-Can we see how it happened?

-Sure.

-Just re-enact it.

-Lee, do you want to be Pharrell Williams for us?

Just imagine you're a multi-platinum-selling artist.

-Yeah.

-Respected around the globe.

There you go, so you're, you know...

OK...

He's a bit more...

I've never seen him keep still. That's all I've ever seen him do.

-What was Pharrell doing at the time?

-He was just being Pharrell.

Well, what was he doing? Was he making a Pot Noodle?

No, he was entertaining his guests.

-Entertaining them?

-Yeah.

"So, an Irish fellow walks into the pub..."

-That kind of stuff?

-He's not Tommy Cooper.

-Oh, OK.

-And then I'm dancing...

-I'm not dancing.

-Don't like this song.

-And then...

-Ooh!

All right. If you want to get back in your seats. So there we are.

She's brought it vividly to life.

So...poke.

-"Ooh!"

-Yeah.

Then how long before the security arm hand goes on your arm?

I'd say about... Yeah, it was about 10 to 15 seconds.

In that 10, 15 seconds, what happened?

My arm was kind of grabbed.

No, that's the end of it.

The 10, 15 seconds before the arm grab, after the, "Ooh!"

-What happened?

-Don't forget the poke.

-Poke. "Ooh!"

-Can we all do it?

Ready?

After three. One, two, three.

ALL: Poke! Ooh!

David, look, you have to accept the fact

she was up all night to have fun.

It's as simple as that.

Now, what are you going to say?

-I think it's true.

-You think it's true?

-I'm going to go lie.

-You're going to go lie.

Which means I have to make the decision.

I'm going to go lie.

So, Clara, truth or lie?

True!

APPLAUSE

Our next round is called "This is My..." where we bring on

a mystery guest who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

Now, this week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them that

has the genuine connection to the guest,

and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So, please welcome this week's special guest, Bill.

APPLAUSE

Henning, what is Bill to you?

This is Bill.

I once bought an Irish accent mouth spray from him

cos I genuinely believed it would give me an Irish accent.

Clara, how do you know Bill?

So this is Bill and when my chair broke,

he let me sit on his back so I could interview Nicki Minaj.

All right. Finally, Lee, what's your relationship with Bill?

This is Bill.

I had to leave my life drawing class

when he walked in, disrobed,

and I realised he was the man that sold me my sausages.

So there we have it.

Is Bill Clara's spare chair, Henning's spray seller,

or Lee's model mate?

David's team, where would you like to begin?

Henning. So explain the thing about this spray.

Bill has actually got a shop

and I walked past his shop.

And I saw Irish accent spray.

And I hadn't written a decent joke in a long time.

And thought, "Well,

"let's get that spray."

-So when you say you saw Irish accent spray, what do you mean?

-Like...

Well, it's like a helium balloon.

It's a balloon.

No, no, it's a spray, but it changes your accent.

Instead of making your voice more high-pitched,

it makes it more Irish-accented?

Yeah.

Although mixed with the accent you've already got,

God knows what that could do.

And what shop sells this? What shop?

Like one of them that you've got round Camden.

-Bill's got a shop in Camden.

-Yeah!

And his best product is a spray that makes you sound Irish.

Well, I didn't buy all his products, so I can't rank them in a...

Let's get the genre of shop clear. It's a sort of joke shop, is it?

Hey, call it as derogatively as you want.

By "joke shop", I don't mean a risible shop,

I mean a shop that sells joke items like whoopee cushions...

Yeah, exactly.

Fake blood and...that sort of shop. And when did this happen?

The best part of ten years ago, say.

Was there a reason you needed to sound Irish?

No, it was just I thought...

"That's another string to my bow."

How did you imagine it being used in your stand-up?

Maybe if I tell a joke where Irishmen go to the pub.

Do you know a joke where Irishmen go to the pub that you could

tell in your current accent, but you could mime the point

at which you would spray your...?

It would, like, go, "There is an English fella going into the pub

"and says, 'Oh, jolly good morning, my good fellow.'"

-And then...

-He didn't even have any spray for that!

Brilliant! See? You don't need a spray, you can do it!

"And then an Irishman goes in a pub," and then I spray.

And then I go...

-GERMAN ACCENT:

-"Top of the morning."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

-Who would you like to ask next?

-Clara, who's Nicki Minaj?

-So, Nicki Minaj is a rapper...

-There she is.

My God, that's Su Pollard!

LAUGHTER

Nicki Minaj is a singer, basically.

Nicki Minaj a singer, a rapper, one of those modern types.

In what context were you interviewing her?

I was interviewing her at a big festival.

-Glastonbury or something?

-No, it was Radio 1, actually.

Big Weekend, yeah.

And was it just on radio, the interview?

It was a Red Button situation as well.

-So there were cameras as well?

-Yeah.

All eyes were on us.

Obviously she's, like, the main attraction, a big star,

so they gave her, I guess, the better chair.

I suspect people knew my chair was a little bit dodgy but thought it would, you know,

survive the interview.

It got a bit creaky and then one of the legs snapped off.

And lovely Bill here was doing the sound, and then we only had

about five seconds to go before we were going live, and Bill came in.

One thing you could have done is conduct the interview standing up.

Yeah, but...

You know, you go with what the artist wants.

And if she wants to sit down, I'm going to sit down.

-How long was the interview going to be?

-About...

I think it ended up being about five or six minutes.

That's a long time to stand, actually.

Bill definitely looks like he fixes things -

leads or wires, cameras.

Yeah, he's sturdy.

It's a long time to...to be on all fours with someone sitting on you.

I reckon I could take you for a minute.

Try that out! Tom, sit on David.

I'm not going to embarrass you.

I'm going to put Tom on all fours and put you on HIS back.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Let's give it a go!

-LEE:

-We can all sit on him, be like a sofa!

-Be gentle, David.

-Clara, talk us through the...

-Do I have to come down lower?

-A little bit lower.

Yeah, there you go.

This is a lot harder! Now I'm in a crouch!

That's what Bill did!

-You want to do some more yoga, mate!

-Yeah!

APPLAUSE

-There you go.

-So where should I sit?

-Right in the middle there.

-Right there?

-Facing me.

-I'm sorry about this.

-That's all right, David.

-I'm going to lower myself quite gently.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, yeah.

Can I ask Shaun to be a footstool?

-Very gentle, very gentle.

-I am.

I'm basically keeping most of the weight on my own knees.

Oh, my God, my knees!

Sit back a bit.

Bill!

What are you doing?

Bill didn't do that.

David Mitchell, Tom Davis...

Yes, so as you can see... As you can see, that's easy to do.

That's NOT easy to do! Well, you know...

Clara is not as heavy as David.

She's not let herself go like that. I mean...

-I will say one thing.

-Go on.

-That on a grassy terrain,

it would be a lot easier.

-It would.

-I'm slipping all over the place.

I'm sorry I let you down, David.

I can come to your house at Christmas

if you're looking for another chair.

I'll do a better job as long as you've got carpet.

David, would you like to move on to Lee?

-Lee.

-Yes, David.

-Why were you going to a life drawing class?

Because I just decided that I wanted to learn something new because -

I'm not being big-headed -

-I've cracked everything else.

-Yeah.

Why...why nudes, though?

What was the attraction of the nude human form?

You could have focused on fruit.

I do do a little bit of fruit, as it goes.

But I wanted to expand...

-Um...

-So that's why...

I just find naked men do that for me!

I wanted to expand my repertoire. I'd cracked the fruit.

I kept showing my wife and my wife would say, "No idea."

Then one day she went, "Is it an orange?" I went, "Yeah."

She went, "It's time to move on."

-And so you left your wife...

-So I left my wife.

How many of these still life classes had you done before Bill popped in?

I'd probably done about seven or eight.

-How is Bill looking under there?

-Say again?

-Bill.

-Has he got a nice body, or...?

-Has he got a nice body naked?

-Yeah.

-I'd say... I'd say he's firm, yeah.

-CLARA:

-Sturdy!

-Sturdy.

I said to him, "How come you're so firm?"

He said, "Well, you try being a chair every three weeks."

-And you knew it was nude man week?

-Oh, yes. They told us.

They said, "Next week, we're doing a nude man."

Then you found out that your butcher was a nude model.

Not straightway. He comes in and teases you a little bit.

He comes in with a robe, takes his belt off slowly...

Hangs it up like that, then he turns the other way

and he might do little bit of a... a bit of a stretch.

Then he drops it so you see his...pert cheeks.

And at this point, I'm thinking,

"Right, I should be able to do this."

Get my pencils out ready.

And then he turns slowly and that's when I saw it.

-The face of Bill, the man who sells me sausages.

-Right.

So did he recognise you?

-Was it mutual?

-Well, he just had his eyes fixed like he is tonight.

But as I passed, he had a look on his face like he was going to say,

"I'm doing discounts on burgers on Saturday."

He didn't do it. He's professional. He stopped himself like that.

And it was awkward.

So I simply got dressed and went home.

Did I not mention that bit?

I say life drawing - it was a car park

and he was in a Ford Fiesta.

APPLAUSE

We need an answer, so, David's team, is Bill Clara's spare chair,

Henning's spray seller or Lee's model mate?

I think we need to ask,

are you absolutely sure that one of them is true?

Yes.

I think, in the radio situation,

they probably could find a chair or standing.

There's a better solution than, for six minutes,

sitting on a human being.

-What about Lee?

-Well, it's just not true.

See, I've got to say that he's literally not moved his...

He's shown no emotion.

Now, if I'm going to draw a man naked, I want to draw Bill.

-What do you think, Shaun?

-I've just got to go for Bill being sat on.

You think Clara?

I'm changing my mind now because he's German,

so he could possibly believe about a spray...

You just noticed now that Henning is German?

It's just sunk in, yeah!

So you think Henning now?

-No, I'll stick with Clara.

-Stick with Clara.

-And you're...

-I'm going with Lee, yeah.

You see, I think it's Henning.

-You think it's Henning?

-Yeah, we're going to go Henning.

OK - Bill, would you please reveal your true identity?

My name is Bill

and Henning bought an Irish breath spray...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-That's what you bought, Henning, yeah?

-Yeah.

And you genuinely thought it would have an effect on your accent?

Of some description.

Lee, let me give it to you.

It didn't work on Henning, but it might work on you.

-WELSH ACCENT:

-I don't think you gave me the right one.

Thank you very much, Bill! Thank you.

Which brings us to our final round,

Quickfire Lies, and we start with...

It's David.

I once hired a jet ski...

-LAUGHING:

-Lie. Forget it.

We need to hear no more, David.

I once hired a jet ski, but couldn't work out how to stop it,

so I had to buzz around the bay for 50 minutes

until it ran out of petrol.

I take it back, you did it.

I can so imagine you doing that. Absolutely.

-Where was this?

-It was in Antigua.

-In Antigua?

-Was this in your single lads' days?

-He never had those days.

-It's your first time on the show, isn't it?

-It is.

-Why were you in Antigua?

-On holiday.

Was the Winchester Steam Museum shut?

Yes, I arrived at the Winchester Steam Museum

and it was shut and so I went straight to Antigua.

-When was this?

-Er... I think about two years ago.

-And who were you with?

-My, er, wife.

-And what got into your head?

I could imagine you renting a sun lounge

and opening up a weighty tome.

I could imagine that. But I can't see you saying...

MIMICS DAVID: "Now, you relax here. I'm just going to go...

LAUGHTER

"..and bomb around the bay for a while."

APPLAUSE

Were you with your wife on the jet ski

or did she stay on dry land?

Er, she stayed on dry land.

-So you were on your own, going around?

-Yeah.

-And it was your idea?

-I just...

Look, I thought I'd have a bit of a go.

-What were you wearing, David?

-Er...sort of, swimming...shorts.

What length were the shorts?

Were they sort of Daniel Craig, or...?

They weren't as long as Daniel Craig.

-What do you wear?

-Shorts! I said, swimming shorts!

They've got a pocket.

-Wow!

-They've got a pocket.

They've got a pocket and they've got netting on the inside

to keep everything in order.

All right.

You jump on, you're looking back at your wife, "Ha-ha" Look at me!"

And then what happens?

Well, to be honest, I'm not like, "Ha-ha, look at me" at all,

because I must say, as soon as I get going,

it becomes immediately apparent to me that I don't like it.

Oh, no!

Hang on, hang on. Here's a big question, then.

-You did it until the petrol ran out, you say?

-Yeah.

So did you manage to time perfectly that the petrol would run out

just as you got back to the jetty?

-No.

-So you're stuck in the middle of the sea?

-Yes.

Well, what I didn't do is head straight out away from the...

The point where my plan formed,

I thought I'd just go up and down quite near the jetty,

thinking I'd be able to swim to the jetty

if worst comes to the worst.

So what happened? You just kept going, kept going,

and then eventually it coughed and spluttered...?

-Yeah.

-Talk us through.

Well, I kept going and kept going and then eventually,

it coughed and spluttered...

..to a halt.

-All right. Lee, what are you going to say?

-What do we think?

-I...

-You have a great physique.

-LAUGHTER

Yeah.

You've got to warn me before you say things like this!

A great physique for what?

For maybe, I don't know,

-a game of billiards...or Cluedo...

-Yeah.

And I don't quite think that's jet skiing is completely your thing.

I agree.

I don't think he's ever even been to Antigua.

-So you're saying lie, you're saying lie...

-Yes.

-I'm going to say that's a lie.

-You're saying it's a lie?

-I'll go with the team.

-David, truth or lie?

It is...

a lie.

KLAXON

Well, that's noise signals time is up, it's the end of the show.

I can reveal that David's team have won by three points to two.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks for watching, goodnight!