Episode 5 Would I Lie to You?

Good evening, welcome to Would I Lie To You,

the show that sorts the facts from the fibs.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,

a TV presenter who effortlessly mixes brains and beauty,

like a sort of female Rob Brydon. It's Carol Vorderman.

APPLAUSE

And a comedian from Wales, so like all Welshmen,

he's just happy to be indoors and out of the rain. It's Rhod Gilbert.

APPLAUSE

And on Lee Mack's team tonight,

an interior designer who was recently hired by the Beckhams.

It was an easy job.

Victoria has a tiny interior and David hasn't got much upstairs.

-It's Kelly Hoppen.

-APPLAUSE

And the thinking woman's comedian, if that woman is thinking,

"God, what was I thinking?"

-It's Hal Cruttenden.

-APPLAUSE

We begin of course with Round One. It's Home Truths,

where our panellists each read out a statement

from the card in front of them.

To make things harder, they've never seen the card before,

they've no idea what they'll be faced with,

and it's up to the opposing team to sort the fact from the fiction.

-Kelly, you're first.

-OK.

Rather than use a flannel or a sponge,

I wash with an orange.

LAUGHTER

David's team, what do you think?

How do you, how do you...?

CAROL LAUGHS

How do you use the orange?

Well, I mean, you know, citrus fruits are...

LAUGHTER

Instinctively, I think Carol doesn't believe you.

Either that or she's completely...

Look, I mean, citrus fruits are known to be very good for your skin.

So if you cut an orange in half and you use it on your face,

the citrus goes into your pores.

RHOD: Ah. Do you use both halves, like that?

Absolutely.

-Saves time that, doesn't it?

-Yeah.

Then you wash it off with water, just with your hands

and then the best bit is to then take the other side of the orange

and buff your skin.

Oh. I tell you what, this is a northern man's nightmare.

Washing AND fruit.

-I mean I'm 73...

-LAUGHTER

..and honestly, it's fantastic and you smell so fabulous.

RHOD: Can I, er... Can I come over and have a smell?

-Oh, the old Welsh chat-up line.

-LAUGHTER

I should be able to smell it, yeah?

I should be able to smell.

LAUGHTER

The best evidence is before she started doing this,

she used to have black hair.

-I didn't smell any orange.

-Did you not?

-No.

You told me earlier today that you had a stinking cold.

I have got a stinking cold.

-Well, there you go.

-So have you now.

I didn't realise you had a blocked nose, allow me.

-HE SNIFFS

-Orange.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

There are so many exfoliating creams that have orange or citrus in.

None of them are an actual orange, though.

You know, I've seen shampoos with coconut in

but I've never actually washed my hair just with a coconut.

DAVID: That would be exfoliating though, wouldn't it?

The outside of a coconut.

Absolutely. You could draw blood with that.

My question here,

what you're going to get then is orange juice on your face.

But I would say, if I dirtied my face with orange juice,

I would need something like soap in order to wash the orange juice

properly off, otherwise I'd be going out into the world,

essentially, with a soft drink on my face.

OK. Does this ring any bells with you, Carol?

No, I know obviously there are things where... You know,

that things are scented with citrus oils and all of that kind of thing.

Never heard of oranges.

RHOD: Carol, cut to the chase, a wet orange peel is no exfoliator.

No. It's not.

RHOD: I will live and die by that statement.

You know, what it does, is it gets all the...

-No, it doesn't.

-It does.

So we think it's a lie?

Yeah. Oh, absolutely.

OK, going to say lie. Kelly Hoppen,

were you telling the truth then or were you telling a lie?

It is a...

lie. APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie.

Kelly doesn't wash with an orange rather than a flannel or a sponge.

Rhod Gilbert, your turn.

I once had a holiday in a Frenchman's garage.

LAUGHTER

Can I check if this is a euphemism?

But seriously, how old were you, roughly? I don't mean go,

-GROWLING:

-"Oh, 17."

-38.

-38, oh, so it's quite recent.

-Only 38 when it happened?

-Yeah.

You're 38, right, you're in France. Where was the garage?

-France!

-Whereabouts in France?

-Northern France.

-Whereabouts in Northern France?

-Brittany.

In Brittany. So you ended up in Brittany?

-Southern Brittany.

-Southern Brittany and you...

The northern end of southern Brittany.

Oh, that's just south of mid Brittany, isn't it?

-I know it well.

-Mid Brittany.

-HAL:

-What was the name of the town that you were in?

The town where I stayed in the Frenchman's garage...

Was?

-Vannes.

-You were in the van in the garage, right.

The town...

Is this how this mix-up happened? "I want a holiday in a van."

Rhod, Rhod. Let me speak to you as another Welshman.

-Maybe he'll understand me.

-LAUGHTER

Ask me a nice specific question.

Did you book a holiday in a Frenchman's garage?

No. I once HAD a holiday in a Frenchman's garage.

When you arrived in the village or town called Vannes...

Yeah, Vannes, yeah.

-Did you already know you would be staying in a garage?

-No.

Were all the hotels booked?

-No. We thought it looked nice in the brochure.

-Who did?

-Me and my partner.

-Partner?

-Girlfriend.

-Girlfriend.

-Now wife.

Blimey, that was a quick ten seconds, wasn't it?

OK, so you were going to Vannes.

-We went to Vannes.

-Right.

-Went to a tourist information place.

-Because you hadn't booked anywhere.

-We hadn't booked.

-I'm with you.

What happened at the tourist information?

They said, "What about this place?" And we said, "That looks nice."

A house with a nice pool, looked nice in the picture, so we went there.

And when you got there...?

It was a garage.

The house was nice but we were in the garage.

Was the garage decked out to look like a room

or was it just spanners and...?

It looked like a room with a canoe on the side and a fuse box.

-Am I old before my time but...

-Yes.

-..at 38, you don't go on a crazy...

"Not going to book where we're going." At 38 you want to know where you're going.

-I'm with you, Hal.

-Get a nice comfy room.

You know, if this is true,

you totally deserve what happened to you.

I didn't say I didn't enjoy it.

So it was a deliberate rough and tumble.

No, it was a disaster.

-How long did you stay for in the garage?

-Two weeks.

You stayed for two weeks?! How much did you pay?

It was very reasonable.

I'm not surprised. Did it have any windows in the garage?

-No.

-And you said there was a swimming pool?

Yeah, they had a swimming pool.

-You were allowed to use it?

-No.

I can't help thinking that what you're describing

is more of a hostage scenario.

And what about Mrs Gilbert, she wasn't Mrs Gilbert then,

but how did she react? Because she's looking at you, Rhod,

a tall, strapping, handsome Welshman.

What everyone dreams of.

And you've whisked her there.

Was there not a little part of her that died that day

when she saw what you expected her to put up with?

She wasn't very well, if I remember rightly.

Was it carbon monoxide or exhaust fumes?

All right, Lee. It's a complex tale. What do your team think?

-Absolute lie.

-You say lie.

-Absolutely.

-Really?

-Mm hmm.

Based on just the floundering?

Absolutely everything.

Like what? All right, it did have windows.

What are you thinking, Hal?

It's like he's throwing in things that seem so ridiculous.

No, but nobody would go and stay in a garage without windows.

They wouldn't.

You're Kelly Hoppen though, Kelly.

He's Rhod Gilbert.

OK, what's it going to be, Lee? Truth or lie?

-Lie.

-Lie?

-Lie.

-Lie.

I think it's true but I'll go with my team and say it's a lie.

You're going to say lie. OK, Rhod, garage holiday in France.

-Truth or lie?

-Holiday in the Frenchman's garage in Vannes,

-true.

-APPLAUSE

Yes. It was all true.

Rhod did once have a holiday in a Frenchman's garage.

Our next round is called This Is My where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one of our panellists.

This week, each of Lee's team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection to the guest

and it's up to David's team to spot who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's special guest, Gary.

APPLAUSE

So, Kelly, what is Gary to you?

This is Gary and he's a feng shui expert,

and in order to improve the flow, the energy flow in my home,

he advised me to get rid of my cat litter tray.

Hal, how do you know Gary?

Well, this is Gary. Last year, I kicked a football

through my kitchen window and Gary agreed to take the blame.

And Lee, your relationship with Gary.

This is Gary.

Together we were involved in a low-speed pedalo chase...

DAVID LAUGHS

..when a Spaniard had nicked Gary's towel.

OK, there we have it. Kelly's feng shui friend,

Hal's football fall guy

or Lee's pedalo pal.

David, where do you want to start?

OK. Kelly what was it about the cat being able to crap anywhere

that would improve the feng shui of your house?

Well, no, the whole thing about feng shui

is that it's all about energy lines in your home.

So, for example, if you have a drain...

Like where the sockets go?

-Well, no, like drains will, will mean...

-LAUGHTER

So if you've a drain in a home, you're losing energy.

And where my litter tray was, was really my...

-RHOD: It was your litter tray?

-No, my cat's litter tray.

You have all these areas in a home.

I'm not a feng shui specialist, which is why I got Gary in,

so he explained it to me and he said,

"You really need to move your litter tray

"because where it's placed is in your wealth corner."

When he first turned up was his opening line,

"Are you a feng shui expert?" And you said no.

Did he go, "Good."

LAUGHTER

-So it was in your wealth corner.

-Yes.

-So your cat was crapping on your money.

-Yeah.

So yeah, what do you put there?

If it's inappropriate for a cat litter tray?

You need to put a crystal or something that enhances the area,

rather than a cat litter tray where a cat is going to pee in the corner.

Well, exactly. The difference between a crystal and a cat litter tray

is that one thing has a purpose

and the other thing is some tat that you should throw out.

APPLAUSE

What bits of the room... There's a wealth corner,

what other corners are there that you're not allowed

to put anything actually useful?

Well, there's wealth and there's clarity...

-Clarity is for the red wine.

-Yes.

What... Was anything else wrong with how you had your house?

No, actually everything else was really good. I mean.

RHOD: What, that was it? How much did you pay him for that?

Well, no, no.

He just moved the litter tray and went, "There you go.

-"There, job done."

-No, no, no.

-"Eight grand, please."

-No.

Did he move the cat litter tray and go,

"That should help the wealth corner. Well, certainly mine, anyway."

What problems were occurring then for you

to get the feng shui expert, Gary.

No there wasn't any problems, I just believe in it

-and I work a lot in Asia.

-What was his name again?

-Gary.

-Oh, yeah.

I work a lot in Asia and we use a lot of feng shui consultants

when we build houses in Asia and this is an ancient philosophy,

so I can understand that you don't understand it, if you haven't read,

if you haven't read about it and it is all about balancing out a home.

It's like your body, if you have reflexology...

Sorry, can I just confirm to Rhod, in case he's not sure.

-She's patronising you.

-I'm not.

-LAUGHTER

I'm perfectly happy with that.

Did it have seem to have any effect?

Absolutely, that particular space, it was a wealth corner,

and it shouldn't have had a litter tray, it needed crystals there.

So where did you put the litter tray?

-I got rid of the cat.

-Oh, my God.

-AUDIENCE GASP

I didn't really, I'm only joking.

I love the way the whole audience went, "Oh, my God!"

This is so Britain, isn't it?

Except the one French person going, "Zat is perfectly logical."

-No, I didn't.

-APPLAUSE

So, Hal, just say what you said again.

Last year I kicked a football through my kitchen window

and Gary agreed to take the blame for it.

-CAROL:

-Hang on, you kicked a football?

Yes.

It is a very, very rare event.

Hal, can I ask you how you know Gary? What the connection is?

-We're, both our kids that are at the same school.

-Right.

-Well, that's certainly plausible.

-It is plausible.

Many schools have more than one child at them.

So there you were, in the garden, playing football.

They'd come over anyway

cos we're friends. So we were playing football in the garden

and my wife had already made a comment about, "Oh, messing about.

"Don't break the window." And then, we ended up messing about, and yeah.

And you kicked the ball and it went through the window.

Yes.

And what did you do then? So it's smash, tinkle...

Beat.

I just went a bit, "Oh, no! Did it again."

"Oh, no! My wife is going to kill me.

"She wasn't joking on any level.

"This could be it for my marriage."

So you said, "This is terrible.

"She's going to be really angry." He... What did he say?

He offered to take the blame. He said, "I'll take the blame for it."

Because he's a bit more of a sort of, what's the word?

Scallywag type character.

I don't understand this modern street talk.

Did you say to her, "Gary's got something to say to you"?

"Dear, oh dear, Gary."

-Did you say...

-No.

-"Darling,

"I said to Gary, I'd take the blame but you know."

-Right, what about Lee?

-Yeah, Lee.

Can you just remind us first of all, what was it you said?

This is Gary and we were involved together in a low-speed pedalo chase

after a Spaniard nicked Gary's towel.

Describe the scenario of the theft.

Where were you and Gary and where did the Spaniard come from?

Spain.

-We were on a beach.

-In Spain?

-Not in Spain.

So he'd come a long way, this assailant.

He'd obviously heard about a valuable towel.

He was an international towel thief.

Well, any of those options or possibly he was on holiday.

And so, Lee...

-Yes, that's my Chinese name.

-So what happened?

I was... I was... I was on the beach and we decided to go,

as two young, strapping men do, for a pedalo ride.

Had you known each other long by that point?

No, I was strolling lonely on the beach...

..and I saw a young gentleman in some tight shorts

and I thought, "Hello, fancy a pedalo ride?"

And luckily he was available.

He's one of your old buddies then.

We were on holiday together, yeah.

-So how long ago was this?

-I was about 20.

And so you decided to hire a pedalo.

Yes. We decided to rent out a pedalo and go into the sea.

So that's what we do.

We go out on to the pedalo and we start to pedal

and oh. It's great.

And it's at this point that you saw the Spaniard?

So then we're sort of coming back to shore, right.

DAVID: You've done a bit of a loop.

I'm literally doing the action now with my feet, I'm there.

Looks like the three of you are on jet skis from here to be honest.

LAUGHTER

So we're pedaloing and as we're pedalling, we see a gentleman

who's renting out... He's in the process of renting out the pedalo

and we sort of see him walk back, suddenly grab Gary's towel,

and he puts it on the pedalo, on his girlfriend's seat and off he goes.

So what do we do?

-You give chase.

-We give chase.

So you pulled up alongside him in your pedalo

and you said, "Excuse me."

Yeah, I wound the window down and I said...

No, I just said, "Excuse me..."

Why didn't Gary? I realise he's mute tonight for a reason but...

Cos he was keeping his eye on the road and I was....

So you say excuse me and he said...?

Que?

So I had to do the thing... I had to mime it.

I sort of went... I said, "You...Erm.

"Er...and then you..."

HE WHISTLES

So he sort of mimed, "I'm sorry."

And handed the girl to us and we went, "No, no, no.

"You've got it all wrong."

Anyway, that's how I met my wife and that's...

And that's the truth.

All right, so we need an answer. David's team.

Is Gary Kelly's feng shui friend,

Hal's football fall guy

or Lee's pedalo pal?

Where do you want to start?

I'm very confused.

Is feng shui...? I thought it was about,

"Don't have the sofa there, move it out a bit more diagonally

"and that's a bit more Chinese and cool."

But I didn't think it involved crystals.

I thought that was a totally different form of charlatanism,

I mean...

Eastern science.

-We don't think it's...

-We don't think it is.

You don't think it's Kelly.

I can't see Lee going on a holiday just with one other guy as well.

-No, I can't.

-A group of guys in their 20s, fair enough,

but two 20-year-old boys. No.

And what about Hal?

Hal. Well, I think that sounds very plausible.

Except the children bit.

LAUGHTER

Are you saying I don't have children?

I think Hal does have children.

You don't have children, do you, Rhod?

I don't have children.

-No. 2-0.

-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So, what are you going to say, David?

-Hal.

-You think it's Hal.

-Kelly.

-You think it's Kelly now.

We're going to say... We're going to say Hal.

-You're going to say Hal.

-Yeah.

OK, Gary, would you please reveal your true identity.

My name is Gary

and I advised Kelly.

-Yes.

-APPLAUSE

-LEE:

-Can I just... Rob, sorry, can I ask a question?

Just before we move on, too quickly, Gary,

David would like to explain to you

-why the whole thing's a crock of rubbish.

-LAUGHTER

Yes, Gary is Kelly's feng shui friend

and has had to endure

a dreadful five minutes.

-Thank you very much, Gary.

-Thank you.

Which brings us to our final round, Quick Fire Lies and we start with...

-Carol.

-OK.

I used to have a job in a safari park gift shop

and regularly shared my bed with a lion cub.

Ah. Lee Mack's team.

What year was this?

Or what rough year, I don't need the exact year.

Is that your opening question, Lee?

What year was this? I don't need the exact year.

Well, I didn't want to embarrass Carol in case she said,

you know, "It was when I was 18

"in 1642."

LAUGHTER

I'll just say give me the decade.

It was, it was in the mid-70s.

So mid-70s and you worked in a safari park.

I worked in a safari park gift shop.

Which safari park?

Windsor.

I lived in the safari park at the time. I lived in the safari park

-at the time...

-You didn't.

-..with my sister.

-But how could you live there?

-Whoa, whoa, sorry?

-And she's human?

LAUGHTER

She had a house in the safari park.

Is it because she was connected with the safari park at the time?

Did they build round her?

Did she buy it when it was just in a field and then one morning...

One morning, she's lying there and she heard this...

HE GROWLS

She lived in the safari park with her husband

-who worked with the animals.

-Has he got a name, the husband?

-Francis.

-Right.

He would bring home the little babies

-who'd been rejected by their mothers.

-Don't, you're going to make me go.

So I went there one summer and there was a penguin in the bath

and a lion cub in my bed.

So I slept with the lion cub for the summer.

Carol, nothing happened, did it?

LAUGHTER

It did. No, it did.

Oh, God.

No, it only happened when my mum came down from Wales.

And she walked into the bedroom and screamed.

-I bet she did.

-As she saw me in bed with a lion cub.

How big is the cub? Are we talking like very young?

-Well, when I go there, it was that big.

-Oh, yeah.

It was that big by the time she'd finished.

LAUGHTER

Did you sleep with any other animals while you were there?

-No, it's a genuine question.

-No, I had a bath with a penguin.

-You didn't?

-Obviously.

Was he in the bath and you got in unsolicited or?

-No, he was in the bath...

-He was already in there.

-..in cold water.

-Right.

-So I had to get the penguin out of the cold water and...

-Did you p-p-p-p-pick up that penguin?

-LAUGHTER

So what are you thinking, Lee?

I don't know. What do we think?

I think it could be true.

HAL: Yeah, it's so ridiculous but she's so convincing.

-When you say...?

-I wish she was on our team. Sorry!

No, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

So, Lee, what's it going to be? Truth or a lie?

-You're saying?

-I think it's true.

-True. You're saying?

Oh, I'll go true, I'm...I'm malleable. Yeah, true.

-You're saying true?

-Yeah, true.

OK. Carol Vorderman, lion cub in the bed, truth or lie?

True.

-APPLAUSE

-Wow.

-See.

-Wow.

Yes, it's true.

Carol did used to share her bed with a lion cub.

Next up,

it's David.

Whenever I see my postman, Roy,

he shouts, "Oggy, oggy, oggy"...

LAUGHTER

..and won't move on until I have replied,

"Roy, Roy, Roy."

LAUGHTER

Does he only do this when he's at your door

or if you pass him in the street?

-It's whenever I see him.

-Whenever you see him.

Yeah. So obviously I try and avoid him.

Is he a very friendly postman?

He is friendly but...

What's his name?

He's, his name is, erm...

Oggy. No, Roy!

LAUGHTER

Talk us through the very first time this happened.

Well, I... er, he rang the doorbell

because it was a recorded delivery thing.

-What was it?

-What was it?

-I don't know, I wasn't there.

-LAUGHTER

Do you remember? I only sleep over Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.

I can't... I can't remember what it was.

Right. OK, so he's rang the doorbell and then what happens?

I'm not in. So...

LAUGHTER

A very handy answer.

On another occasion, on a different delivery, I am.

-I open the door.

-Why has he not knocked?

Before I'd rung the... He'd rung the bell.

-Yeah.

-No, or did I ring the bell? No, it must have been him.

Before he'd rung the bell, I hadn't met him.

-So he rang the bell.

-Yes.

-Right, I answered the door.

Right, and...?

You know, I signed for the thing, he says, "Oh, are you...?

"You're off the telly, aren't you?" I say, "Yes."

So he says, "You're on the telly."

Yeah, and I say, "I must be hallucinating.

"It seems like I'm on the doorstep."

I say, "Yes," and he goes, "Oh, nice to meet you."

Nice to meet...me.

Great moment, great moment.

Anyway, the next time I see him, it's out on the street.

-Oh, I see, so this is a different time now completely.

-Right.

Now you just bump into him.

And now he goes, "Oh..." He goes initially, "Oh, hello."

Then he goes...

-"Oggy, oggy, oggy."

-Wow.

-And then goes, you know, like...

and I've remembered his name is Roy and I go, "Ha..."

And he says, "So, Roy, Roy..."

He makes me. He goes, "Roy, Roy, Roy?"

Like in a questioning way.

And I go, "Ha-ha, yeah. Roy, Roy, Roy!"

Does he do it to everyone?

I don't think he does it to everyone.

Actually, much as I... I'm a funny person. I mean peculiar.

I don't, you know, ha-ha, I'm not saying.

It's not up to me to say.

But I'm a peculiar person in that I hate this

but I would be hurt if I thought he did it with everyone.

Tell us about the second time it happened.

Erm...I can't really remember the second...

You would definitely have remembered the second time, David.

It's awkward. So that won't, that won't wash.

Talk us through the second incident now!

OK. I remember it as if it were yesterday.

-I am walking out of my... Out of the front gate.

-Right.

Quite early in the morning. He's right up the top of the road

-on the corner, coming round...

-With his trolley.

-..with his trolley.

-Tell you what, I'll be the postman.

-OK.

-OK?

-I'm walking.

-OK.

-All right.

Is that a Zimmer frame?

It's my trolley. I think you know it is.

Rob, you'd be whistling I think.

I was about to whistle.

Now I'm coming out of the front door,

slamming the front door, walking along. ROB WHISTLES

-Oggy, oggy, oggy!

-Hi.

LAUGHTER

Oggy, oggy, oggy!

Roy.

Oggy, oggy, oggy!

PAINED: Roy, Roy, Roy.

APPLAUSE

-So, what are you thinking?

-I really haven't got a clue

-but I...

-I think it's a lie.

-..suspect it's an absolute lie.

-It's got to be, hasn't it?

-Definitely.

-Yeah, I think it's a lie.

-A lie.

OK. David, truth or lie?

It is...

a lie. APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie.

David's postman doesn't shout "Oggy, oggy, oggy," when he sees him.

-BUZZER

-Oh, that noise signals time is up. It's the end of the show

and I can reveal that Lee's team have won by 3 points to 2.

APPLAUSE

But it's not just a team game

and my individual liar of the week this week is Kelly Hoppen.

Yes, Kelly Hoppen, the last time a woman deceived me that well

she had big hands and an Adam's apple. Good night.