Comfort and Joy Doctors

# Gloo-ooo-ooo-ooo...

# Ooo-ooo-ooo-ria!

# It's Karen in her jumper! #

-What do you think?

-I think the earrings are a bit over the top.

Ta-da!

Then again, maybe not.

Morning.

So, we are going to do scrambled eggs and smoked salmon

with a little bit of fake bucks fizz.

-You got time for that?

-Yeah, suppose so.

-Yee!

Good news, then?

Op went well, they said. Mum should be on the mend now.

Yeah, we're going to pop to the hospital later.

-Got her a scarf.

-Ah. Good lad.

Right! Enough nattering. Let's get cracking!

Oi. What's with the sneaking away?

Oh, I didn't want to wake you.

-Oh. Is it my morning breath?

-No. You just looked beautiful, so...

-I didn't want to spoil it.

-You big cheese.

You in all day?

Yeah, I've got some wrapping I could do,

I might go and do dome last minute shopping, or, I was thinking

I might just stay in my jimjams and watch Elf.

Jimjams. All right.

Well, if you're not going to take me back in, least you can do is give me a kiss.

Now get back in before you catch a cold.

Have a lovely day, dear.

You do look very good in wool, Doctor Clay.

That must be the Welsh in you.

-You know, mine goes ding-a-ling. Look.

-Oh! It's lovely.

LAUGHTER

Ah, Dr Carmichael, how come you are not wearing your...?

My what, Mrs Tembe?

-Ah.

-Mm!

-No, it is very stylish.

-Very nice!

The jumper, I mean. Not...

Well, yeah, of course, you look nice as well,

I just meant the jumper looks good on you.

Cos everything always looks good... Sorry.

Oh...

-Morning.

-Oi! Oi! Where do you think you're going?

-What?

-Um...

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

You know.

Oh, no. Is that today?

Oh, as if you didn't know, you naughty man.

Everyone else has remembered. Everyone else has made an effort.

You are going to spoil the picture, looking like that, Dr Haskey.

Yeah. You know, Sid even showed us his ding-a-ling.

I bought one, I promise you.

It had like an X-Wing and TIE fighters all over it,

but I bought it online,

and you know what December deliveries are like.

A likely story.

I promise on the little baby Santa, I would jump into a jumper.

Oh.

Well...

luckily for you,

I have brought a spare one.

We're going to pop to the shops later,

so let us know if you want anything.

You're going shopping again?

You couldn't get anything else in the fridge.

Why does everyone go bananas with food over Christmas?

We don't need any more.

Because Jack will have eaten all that before he's even unpacked.

And I've got to get Immie her vegetarian turkey,

and her vegetarian stuffing, and her vegetarian carrots...

And you've eaten all the honey roasted peanuts.

Have I? Ah, well, you'd better get some more, then.

I'll you tell you what, just put a big drum of honey roasted peanuts

in front of me and I'll be sorted till New Year.

All right, grumpy pants, what is the matter with you?

I've gone from night shifts to day shift. All I want is bed shifts.

Oh, well, 'tis the season to be jolly, remember?

The season to... Are you joking? It's Friday.

Jolly for me is having to deal with massive groups of people

who knock off work early and get absolutely blottoed!

-It's Christmas, just try and show a bit of joy.

-OK.

Right, I'd better shoot off.

Let me know how it goes at the hospital.

-Bye!

-Bye!

Al, come on, mate. We're all on the same team.

If any of you laugh...

Oh, come on!

Given how you dress on a day-to-day basis, I'm amazed you even care.

Come on. It's just a bit of fun.

Where did you even get one his size?

Mrs Beasley from the church,

she has a husband of similar proportions.

She has loaned it me for the day.

Come on, Dr Haskey.

I think you look very fetching.

-I'm taking it off.

-Oh, no, no, no, no!

No, look, come on. It is actually quite chic.

I mean, it's better than Sid's monstrosity.

Really?

Oh come on, Al. You can downplay it all you want,

but we know now that you've a flair for the theatrical.

First, your star turn as Scrooge, and now this.

-This?

-You want the adulation, don't you?

You want the compliments for wearing it so well.

Don't be coy with me, I will not let this go to your head.

No, I suppose not.

Do you really think his jumper's better than mine?

Actually, I think it's completely hideous and totally vile.

Which is why we should keep him in it all day.

I like your jumper.

Right, where's the list?

What do we need?

Crackers and nuts.

Ah-ha-ha, that sounds like us.

So, milk, butter, veg, good stinky cheese.

Mince pies or plum pudding?

Oh. Mmm...

-Both?

-We shall see.

Where are the vouchers?

-PHONE RINGS

-I don't know.

Oh, eh, I'll get that. I think that they are out with the post.

Hello?

Speaking.

There's one here for...satsumas?

OK.

Um, thank you. Yeah, bye.

Who was that?

The hospital.

Right, so I'm going to arrange an appointment for you

to see a rheumatologist and in the meantime...

HE STIFLES LAUGHTER

Look, it's just a jumper. OK?

HE LAUGHS

-Thank you, Doctor.

-It's Christmas time.

-What do you want?

-Oh, a fine-liner, Valerie's only got biros.

-Mm.

-So, er, what was that all about?

-This jumper and this stupid day.

-I've already given one patient an epileptic fit.

-Really?

Cos you do know photosensitive epilepsy

-is actually quite rare in epileptics.

-Oh, my days.

-You're joking. Ha-ha.

-It's a monstrosity.

Is it really upsetting your patients?

Mr Fenwick complained.

-Mr Fenwick is a blind man.

-SIDNEY LAUGHS

I thought Zara was supposed to have taste.

Yeah, well. She's... You know.

You know what?

You know what she's like.

Sidney.

Look, I'm more scared of her than I am of you...

I could check your entire internet history

-in about less five seconds flat.

-OK, OK, OK! whoa, whoa...

She lied so that you'd wear it, OK?

She lied?

Right, that's it.

OK, but you didn't hear that from me, OK? Oh...

Now, enough is enough is enough!

I am not doing this any more! It's inhumane.

Now that one I like.

-What one?

-That jumper, that's how you do it. Kitsch, bold, colourful.

-Bit new rave in a way, isn't it?

-New what in a way?

Claudia Sims. Hi.

Not many men can pull that off. Bravo.

You were saying something was inhumane.

I wasn't...

Wha... Say again?

INDISTINCT VOICES IN BACKGROUND

SIREN WAILS

Mum!

-It's going to be all right.

-What's happening?

I don't know, but I'm going to find out for you. She's in the best place possible.

Excuse me, er... PHONE RINGS IN BACKGROUND

I think Zara's setting me up.

She probably went to school with her,

they played hockey together or something like that.

I don't think Zara cares that much, to be honest.

-Not to go to any effort, anyway.

-No, good point.

And when Zara's out to get you,

it happens before you know what's going on.

I mean, it's obviously a honey trap. So what? Jimmi?

You think Jimmi called up a beautiful woman

just to trick you into wearing that jumper?

No, he'd try and chat her up himself.

So that leaves...

you, Sidney.

Oh, my goodness, the game's afoot.

Why would you do that? I thought that we were friends.

Exactly, why would I do that?

That would be cruel. I wouldn't do that to you.

Yeah. And you're not nearly cunning enough,

besides which, you know that if you tried anything like this,

I would just destroy you. So...

I don't know. Valerie?

Have you ever considered, that maybe,

just maybe, that she meant what she said

and just wanted to pay you a compliment?

You need to stop selling yourself short, mate.

Look, I know that it can be intimidating sometimes...

All right...

The minute I start taking romantic advice from you

is the moment that all hope is gone, and it hasn't, OK?

I still have some dignity left.

Fine. But if she did mean it,

you're never going to know that unless you get out there and talk to her again.

-Is she still here?

-Yeah.

She's with Tash. Actually, I need to go and finish that appointment.

So just make sure you're out there and talking to her. Yeah?

Oh, yeah, it's easy to give out advice, isn't it?

What's wrong with my advice?

When was the last time you had a successful encounter with a member of the opposite sex?

-Well...

-Never, that's when!

-Look, that's not the point,

the point is you'll never know unless you get out there and talk to her, so...

DOOR CLOSES

AL SIGHS

Let's get him sat down.

Come on, sit down. That's it.

All right. I'll get some help.

Yeah, and hurry up, he's making a mess.

Does it not worry you, that you've got yourself so drunk,

that you didn't even realise that you'd been stabbed in the backside? Mm?

What were you arguing about anyway?

No, on second thoughts, do you know what? I don't care.

"Good will to all men", you ever heard of that?

All right. They won't be a minute.

How are we doing, Archie?

It's a good job you had your back to her, eh?

-HE SINGS WEAKLY

-# On the first day of Christmas

# My true love gave to me

# A knife and fork in my bum cheek! #

-Oh, pack it in, will you?

-Come on, Sarge. It's a bit funny.

Is it? No, it's not funny, not when you've been here as often as I have.

I mean, brawling is ridiculous at the best of times,

but at Christmas? For Pete's sake.

All right, guys.

THE CONSTABLE WHISTLES

-What are you doing?

-Shush.

-You're just standing there.

-I know. Ignore me.

-It's quite off-putting.

-Look, Valerie, can you mind your own business, please?

-Mm-hm.

-Nosey.

-OK, well, um, take care now.

-Thanks, bye.

Oh. Hello again.

Oh, it's the man with the shocking jumper.

Oh, you know, it compensates for the rest of me.

-You know, too much of a good thing, otherwise.

-Excellent strategy.

And it stops the staff gawking at me all day,

-which in turn increases productivity.

-Yes, I bet.

Well, you know, it's a good use of Christmas jumper day.

Oh. Is that what day it is? And nobody told me.

You dress like this all the time, I guess?

Totally, yeah, I'll wear it to the gym.

-Get my ashtanga on.

-SHE LAUGHS

I knew you'd be funny in real life.

-Real life?

-Yes. Sorry, confession time.

I saw you in the play last night as Scrooge. Loved it.

Oh, no.

Valerie, we've got another fan in the building.

Can you escort her to the front door, please?

What can I say? You're a star.

Not really.

It's far less scary than it sounds, I promise you.

And for it to happen in hospital, it's absolutely the best thing.

-Hiya. I didn't think you weren't coming till later.

-Um...

It's Jackie.

We're still waiting to hear from the doctors,

but she's in good hands, isn't she?

Oh, she's in the best place, definitely.

-What are you doing here?

-Oh, you know. The usual.

Drunken boyfriend and girlfriend

having an argument in the boozer over the names of Santa's reindeers,

-so she stabbed him in the backside with the pub cutlery.

-Nice.

Standard day.

Well, there was my star turn in the school's production

of Old MacDonald's farm.

Mrs Burke said that my sheep was the best she'd ever seen,

and she grew up on a farm.

Well, there you go. Have you always been interested in performing arts?

No, actually I'm an inventor. Medical innovation.

A mad scientist?

I prefer genius scientist, cos that's closer to the truth.

Ah, goes without saying. So you are a man of many talents, then?

Be I ever so humble.

Mm. Why, er, Letherbridge? Why not Zurich or Harley Street?

Well, I...

I guess I'm not interested by money.

But you live here, right?

So, you know, what's your reason?

Erm...

Chicken dhansak at the Babur Balti.

-Shut up.

-Mm.

That's the Midlands' best kept secret.

SHE LAUGHS I grew up here.

I've tried living in other places, but I don't know,

my compass just always swings back.

(It's like it's my secret base.)

You know, wherever I am in the world,

I always feel like it's always going to be the same on my return.

Totally.

Between you and me,

-I kind like being a big fish in a small pond.

-Oh, yeah.

Absolutely, I get that.

I know however I'm doing in the world,

I can always impress my cousins over on Greenbank.

AL LAUGHS

Yeah, the old coin behind the ear trick goes down really well.

SHE GIGGLES

So, erm...

Is it you on your own, Dr Haskey?

Great woman behind the great man?

Mrs Dr Haskey?

Sarge, Archie's about ready to make a statement.

-It can wait, though. I'll give you a minute.

-Cheers.

-Why haven't we heard anything yet? It's bad news, isn't it?

-No.

-No, it's course not.

-It's a busy time of year, that's all.

Let me go and chase them up, see what I can find out.

I forgot her scarf.

I was so worried.

It's OK to be worried.

Doesn't do any good, though.

People are pretty strong, you know.

Especially when they've got a reason to pull through.

Imagine how much you would fight to see your mum again.

But she will fight twice as hard as that, believe me.

Really?

Really.

It's what parents do.

And it could've made me millions,

but instead it was my gift to the world.

I gave the whole thing away for free,

the whole kit and caboodle.

That is brilliant and benevolent too.

Mm.

Oh, wow, look at the time. I'm sorry, I've kept you ages.

-No, no, it's OK.

-Mm.

Um, what are you doing this afternoon?

I've got the afternoon off

and I was going to see Gremlins at the Greenbank cinema.

It's made in 1984,

and it's probably the second best Christmas film...

-BOTH:

-..after Die Hard.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Yippee-ki-yay.

No. Thank you, I shouldn't.

Oh, OK.

Er, listen, I should...

probably come clean.

Come...

Of course.

You were put up to this. Right, who was it? Was it Jimmi? Hm?

No, I don't know who Jimmi is.

Nobody's put me up to this.

You're a photographer?

I'm scouting for a fashion campaign

and I'm looking for "the man on the street."

Characterful, confident, bold.

And that man is me.

Well, I'm looking for somebody who's at ease with himself

and comfortable with how he looks and is unabashed about it.

You fit the bill, don't you?

This isn't my jumper.

You wear it well.

Look, I'm sorry if I've misled you or anything.

I tend to get carried away listening to people.

And when you find a great subject, who can engage with,

it's wonderful.

Listen, you should try meeting some of the models I talk to.

It's like talking to a brick wall.

Keep the card.

Think about it.

OK.

I'll see you out.

Well, see you soon, I hope.

Maybe.

Psst! Psst!

She wasn't that good looking.

So? Did you get her number?

A gentleman never tells.

Jack and Immie will wind each other up and they will argue like

cat and dog and you'll think that they hate each other,

but they don't. That's just the way they are.

But if you do have to take sides, my money is on Immie.

She takes after her mum.

-You'll get on really well.

-Really?

Yeah, really.

I don't quite know how, but they've both turned out good.

I miss them.

It's going to be great to have them at home.

What do you think's happened to my mum?

It's best not to guess.

Always wait till you know for sure.

She could be dead, couldn't she?

-WALKY-TALKY:

-8256 to 7244. Assistance required.

A&E reception.

I need to go.

You stay here. Wait for Karen, yeah?

I'm on my way.

I'll smash your head in!

Get off!

Hey!

Bren?

So what did you guys talk about?

Why is it such a big deal?

Maybe it's some sort of a fetish.

No.

Maybe Al's just interesting and she enjoyed his conversation.

Exactly.

She wasn't into me, that's for sure.

But she's into ale and Star Wars?

What is so crazy about a lady liking Al?

Why does there have to be some catch?

Because there was a catch, OK?

And as much as I appreciate the chorus of support, friends,

she had an agenda.

She was a photographer looking for models.

She didn't mention that to me.

Yeah, well, she was barking up the wrong tree here.

So there you go, there's your punchline.

Al, I don't think anyone meant it like that.

Look, it's me, OK?

There's always a punchline.

Come on, you'll be OK.

Sit down. Do you want a coffee or something?

Bren, do you want a brew?

You!

How you going to get rid of me this time, then, eh?

No-one's trying to get rid of you. We'll sort this out. Just sit down.

Think you're being all kind, don't you? Act all nice.

Not your problem!

Let us help you. Sit down.

Go to hell!

Pigs! You're all liars!

8256 to control.

-WALKY-TALKY:

-Control received.

I thought you were going to see Gremlins?

Why bother?

Got my own Christmas horror show happening right here.

-Don't be like that, mate.

-What do you want?

We're all about to do that group photo,

you know, in our Christmas jumpers. So do you want to...?

What, so I can look back and treasure this day forever?

No, thank you.

Look, I know the day you take romantic advice from

me is the day hell freezes over...

And pigs fly through it.

But she spoke to you for ages and she didn't have to.

I mean, she could have just said what she did and left.

But she must have liked talking to you, and from what I could see,

you seemed really upbeat, you were totally yourself.

The door's behind you, mate.

As for this whole punchline nonsense,

no-one's thinking that, mate. Least of all, her.

It's the big wooden obelisk behind you.

It's got a handle and my name on the other side.

Fine.

Try and fob me off, try and pass me on.

Don't need your money! Stuff your money!

Bren, you need to stop this, now, OK?

Pigs!

I just want to see my girl. But you!

Put it down! Put it down now!

I've got nothing now!

I'm warning you!

Stop telling me what to do!

-SHE SCREAMS

-Drop it!

OK, you ready?

I'm coming in.

CAMERA CLICKS

-The light's gone off.

-Honestly!

-Do we have to do it again?

-OK, this is the one.

-OK, one more, one more. All right?

This is the one.

I am so sorry!

-It's very unhygienic. I'm so sorry.

-We'll have to do it again.

-Oh, come on.

-Merry Christmas.

-Can you just be quick, please?

-Well, I wouldn't have to keep doing

it if you'd get it right in the first place. Emma, move in a bit.

-If I get any closer, I'll be in Valerie's pocket.

-Sid, lower.

-But if I...

-No, that's too low!

-Come on!

-Oh, give me a chance.

For goodness' sake, people, this is a complete sham!

If you want a proper photograph doing,

I'm the man to talk to.

What did they say?

Tell me.

She had a stroke.

You all right?

All in a day's work, right?

You wouldn't be saying that if she would have stuck you.

Guess not, no.

I don't understand how they can afford to get like that.

Do anything for a fix.

-We've seen it before.

-Yeah.

Only not with her.

Yeah, first time for everything.

What a waste.

We should let Ayesha know.

I'll do it.

Someone needs to break it to her gently, you know?

It's not what you want to hear at Christmas, is it?

How long is this actually going to take, Haskey?

Patience.

You know what, Zara, a Christmas jumper is supposed to be colourful.

You look like the Milk Tray Man.

You're on.

Right.

OK, guys?

Work it!

Oh, you're back early.

Everything all right?

Yeah.

What is it? What's happened?

Nothing, just a rough day at work.

You can talk to me, you know.

I know. Just drunks trying to ruin Christmas, you know.

Well, we are going to have the best one ever, so don't sweat it.

-I won't.

-Tell you what?

As you've been such a good boy, you can open your present now.

SONG: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen