26/04/2012 EastEnders

It's all right.

-You can hardly notice it.

-But...

Tiff, Morgan, will you get a move on?

Janine wants it fixed by tomorrow.

Stop worrying.

Today is going to be a good day.

Free from any nasty little surprises.

Morning.

Nice while it lasted.

TEXT MESSAGE TONE

And then I realised we've been going out for 10 weeks.

Whit!

You've used all the eggs.

10 weeks!

This food was supposed to last us for a week.

-Yeah, it's my longest relationship.

-What's the matter, cold feet?

-As if.

Ten weeks. Very impressive.

Especially given your track record, eh? No offence.

None taken.

Right, I've got to get a move on anyway.

Got a house clearance over in Bow.

Oi, not so fast, Nigella, who's going to clear up all this mess?

All right. Look, um...

-I'll see you later then.

-Mm-hmm.

Call me.

See you later.

BIANCA SIGHS

I made you a fry-up.

I ain't hungry.

Dad, you've got to eat something.

Are you my mother, or what?

Look, breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

You, er... going to open up the Arches today?

-I could help you if you like.

-Have you heard from Shirley?

We are not made of money, Whit.

Yeah, I know.

It was only a few eggs.

That's Tyler's phone.

Oi... Don't think this gets you off the hook with the clearing up.

Go on. I'll do it.

Thanks.

-Maybe we could ask Max for help.

-What for?

For money. For the ceiling.

No. He's got enough on his plate with Tanya.

What about Jack?

He's due back from seeing Penny today. Or Derek, he'll help out.

I don't want any help from the Chuckle Brothers, thanks very much!

You know what they say, pride comes before.

No, what? Go on, tell me.

CAROL SIGHS

All right?

Hello!

Bonjour, mon frere. Nice trip?

Yep. Absolutely amazing.

Penny's changed so much. I hardly recognised her.

Well, that's what you get for hardly seeing 'em.

-Yeah, that's why I'm thinking of going back, you know, in the summer.

-Oh, nice.

-Hey, what's that?

Nothing.

-I thought you weren't in touch with Joey.

-Well, evidently I'm not.

Au revoir.

SHE LAUGHS

Oh!

SHE GIGGLES

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh.

-All right?

-What you doing here?

Since when did I need an excuse to pop round and see my favourite sister?

-What's that?

-Oh, nothing.

-I don't believe this.

-What's wrong?

-Tiff and Morgan are in bed with a bellyache.

They were all right yesterday. You sure they're not pulling a fast one?

I think I know my own kids. Since when were you Mary Poppins all of a sudden?

-Well, that's me. Practically perfect in every way.

-Mum, I can't afford to have another day off.

-You're looking after the kids.

-Uh...

-Well, I could always do it, if you wanted.

-No, you're all right thanks, Derek.

-I thought we built up quite a rapport yesterday.

-No, Mum'll do it.

-And Mum has a say in it, does she?

-Uh, Mum doesn't mind actually, do you, Mum?

-Oh no, course she doesn't.

It's just part of the job description of unpaid skivvy, isn't that right, eh?

Oh, I ain't got time for this.

You know, you shouldn't let her take advantage of you like that.

No, someone's got to hold things together round here.

So much for your dreams of sailing off into the Greek sunset, eh?

Yeah, well, sick kids and soggy ceilings have pretty much put paid to that.

Hah. Yeah, probably for the best.

Your place is here anyway, innit, eh?

Soggy ceilings an' all.

THEY CHUCKLE

Actually, you couldn't have a look at that ceiling for us, could you?

Yeah. No problem.

Tell you what, you put the kettle on. I'll just nip up and use the little boys' room.

All right.

Two sugars?

Yep.

-TIFFANY:

-So cute!

Oh...

Feeling better, are we?

HE CHUCKLES

So what's the big deal, then?

I don't know. Ben just said he wanted to meet us here.

Maybe he wants us to meet his new fella.

Well, what do you reckon then?

I thought we could take it for a spin.

What for?

-A surprise for Dad.

-Yeah, but why do you need all of us?

Well, I thought we could make it, you know, a proper family thing.

Well, the last time you tried to drive this thing, it didn't go too well, did it?

Yeah, well, things are different now. ENGINE SPLUTTERS

Yeah, well different.

Yeah well, we can fix it up, Jay, can't we?

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

And are you feeding him properly?

Yeah.

We took some money out of Mum's jar when she weren't looking.

Well, that's very resourceful of you.

Hmm...and what about a name?

Well, we were thinking of Spongebob. In honour of our spider.

Or Wellard The Second.

Hmmm...both a bit of a mouthful, ain't they, eh?

I know, let's keep it simple. Let's call it...

Joey.

That's a nice idea.

Yeah, all right.

Derek! Tea!

Yeah, coming!

-You won't tell that we're not really sick, will you?

-No. Course I won't, sweetheart.

Be our little secret.

And I just happen to have a present for little Joey.

THEY GASP

-BOTH: Thank you!

-Aaah!

-HE LAUGHS

-Oh!

TEXT MESSAGE TONE

-Good, innit?

-Yeah. That's brilliant mate, yeah.

-ALFIE LAUGHS

-Listen, I've got to go and crack on with that new stock.

-All right. See you later.

What's that? Another one of your dirty videos?

No, no, no, it's er... a video of little Tommy walking.

-Come on, let's have a look.

-Yeah.

Yeah, Kat sent it me this morning. Gutted I can't be there to see it.

He's growing up so quick.

-Got to make the most of every moment, haven't ya?

-Yeah.

You're right, mate. You've got to make the most of every moment.

Nice one. Catch you later, Jack.

See you later.

There you go, sexy.

Mmmm...thank you.

Now this is what life is all about.

Being waited on.

And having breakfast at lunchtime.

Yeah, well, don't get too used to it.

I've got a 5K run first thing tomorrow just to work this lot off.

THEY LAUGH

You can join me if you like.

Uh...yeah, right.

You see, I'm like a supermodel.

I don't get out of bed for less than 10K.

THEY LAUGH

-WHISPERS:

-Bianca...

Yeah?

This sandwich smells fishy.

Oh, does it? Well it would do, it's prawn.

-It's off.

-I don't think so.

I'm telling ya,

it's off!

Well what do you want me to do about it?

I want my money back for a start.

Well, I'm sorry, Cora, I'm not authorised to give refunds.

Oh, I see.

I'll have a word with Ian, shall I?

I tell you what, seeing as you've ate half of it,

why don't I give you...

..half your money back.

Oi!

-Everything all right?

-Yeah.

Just another day in paradise, you know.

How was Penny?

Yeah, 14 going on 40.

-BIANCA CHUCKLES

-How's your lot doing?

Yeah, Tiff and Morgan are in bed sick.

Are they?

Well, I'll have to dig out the clown outfit, see if I can liven 'em up.

Well, if you do, do me a favour.

If Derek's there, take him with you when you leave.

He's just been hanging about lately. You know, doling out advice.

Lording it over us like he's the head of the family.

He's really stirring things up with me and me mum.

I mean me and me mum can manage just fine

without Walford's answer to Don Corleone interfering at every turn.

Look, I know Derek can be a bit full-on at times,

but don't be too hard on him at the minute.

He's got things on his mind.

Well, what things?

But we made plans.

Yeah, I know.

And I'm sorry. But Ben needs me to help him get the stock car running again, and then I've got...

Oh, right, well, obviously that's far more important.

I'd much rather see you.

Well, why don't you, then?

Because...

things are complicated at home right now.

All right? I should be getting back to help Ben.

But we'll do something tomorrow instead, yeah?

I promise.

Give me a cuddle.

All right?

-You looking for this?

-Oh!

You are a lifesaver.

Oh...

Oh, I was thinking, we should do something special tonight. You know, it's our anniversary.

I don't want to be too soppy or nothing, but being with you is pretty special.

-Too busy to reply to my text, then?

-What text?

-I texted you this morning.

-Oh, sorry. Whit's had my phone all day.

Well, there's no text here from you.

Oh, well, do you know what it is? It's probably, um...

Texts take ages to come through sometimes, don't they?

Or someone deleted it.

Oh, behave. Whitney wouldn't do that, would you, babe?

No, of course I wouldn't.

She's lying.

No, I'm not.

-Are you going to believe her over me?

-Why would I lie?

-I don't know.

I don't know, maybe because you're a conniving, desperate cow

who wants to get her hands on my man.

Do you know what, Tyler, she probably didn't even send a text.

I guess I'll leave you two to it.

KNOCK AT DOOR

I'm here to read the electricity meter.

Oh, right, right, you'd better come in.

Everything all right?

Yeah?

So we're having a little dose of the crazies today, are we?

No. I just don't understand why you need all those other girls' names in your phone.

I don't need 'em. They're just there.

In case of emergencies?

Oh!

Delete 'em.

-What?

-I want you to delete them.

-Delete all the other girls' names on your phone.

-What is this, time of the month?

-Do you think you're funny, Tyler?

-Oh, yes. I'm hilarious.

-Can you not see me cracking up?

-Well, I'm trying to be serious, OK?

-So if you care about me, then you'll do this.

-Yeah, and if you care about me, you'll trust me.

Now, where exactly did you get this key from?

I told you, I got it from you lot.

And I told you that that is not a regulation key.

Maybe one of your lot's on the fiddle. How should I know?

Mrs Butcher,

-I'm not sure you realise what a serious matter this is.

-Right, she's not done anything wrong.

She's the innocent party here.

As I was saying, this is a very serious matter...

-Do you have any idea what it's like to bring up four kids on your own, yeah?

-But...

as this is your first time,

I will let you off with a warning on this occasion.

But I will be changing the meter and giving you a new key.

So you don't get scammed again.

And that just leaves the small matter of the £50 of illegal usage,

which, obviously, must be repaid.

Well, I ain't got £50.

Right, well, um...

I'll add it to your new meter,

and you can pay it off as you top up.

Would £5 a week be manageable?

Yeah.

Yeah, that's perfect.

Right.

Try it now.

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

ENGINE STARTS

HE REVS THE ENGINE

Oh, that was a close call, wasn't it?

What a result.

Thanks for putting him in his place, Mum.

How could you be so stupid?

I mean, what exactly did you do with the money I gave you for the electric?

Frittered it away, I suppose.

For your information, I bought some make-up to try and make us a few quid

until Tiffany decided to give it all away.

Oh, so this is Tiffany's fault now, is it?

No, no, it's not Tiffany's fault. It's Saint Derek's fault, cos he's the one who gave me the dodgy key.

Well...well, Derek can take care of himself.

You know, if you get banged up again, who's going to look after your kids?

As if they're going to put me in prison for 50 quid's worth of electric! I mean...

-B...

-No, Whit, not now.

-Can I...

-No, I ain't got time.

-Please?

-No.

DOOR SLAMS

Well, that numpty Winston, he ran out of paint.

I had to pop out and get some mese...

-Everything all right?

-No, everything is not all right.

-I've had that electric man round here about that dodgy key you gave me.

-Good one, Derek.

-That's unfortunate. I hope my name wasn't mentioned.

-No, it wasn't.

-But on second thoughts, I should have dropped you in it.

-Oi!

-What?

-You're the one who used the key.

Yeah, and was stupid enough to get caught with it.

-What are you even doing here?

-I'm trying to mend your ceiling. Free of charge.

-And who asked you do to that?

-I did.

-Look at the state of it, it's a complete mess.

-There's gratitude!

-Clear off, Derek!

Trying to worm your way into this house. Buy your way into my kids' lives.

No wonder your own kid don't want nothing to do with you.

-I mean, really, you can't blame him. Who'd want you as a dad, eh?

-Oi...

-It'd drive you mad.

-You watch your mouth, you.

-Derek!

-You're lucky your mother's here. I'd put you across my knee.

I don't need your help. And I don't need you to fight my battles for me either!

CAROL SIGHS DOOR SLAMS

-This better be important, Billy.

-It is.

CAR ENGINE REVS

What's Jay playing at?

It ain't Jay.

It's Ben.

ENGINE REVS

Tommy Moon, he ain't going to be a banger racer, he'll be a Formula One driver, I tell ya.

You know what, I reckon I could get Morgan into the Olympics in 2026 if I started training him now.

Why is it that women never feel the need to be competitive with their children?

-That's because you lot are too busy stabbing each other in the back.

-THEY LAUGH

-Aah...Oh yeah? You know what, you're going to pay for that one.

-Oh, yeah?

-Yeah, that's right, big man. And the heels are coming out. And not in a good way.

-Ooh!

Here Paul, have a look at this. Look, this is Tommy's first steps.

-That's your boy?

-Getting big, ain't he?

-Yeah. Be running this place soon.

-Tell me about it. Kat sent me it.

ENGINE REVS

Listen, Derek...

You've been shooting your mouth off to Bianca about my business, haven't ya?

-I was just trying to get her to cut you some slack, that's all.

-What, so I'm a charity case now, is that it?

What, so you don't want to see your son, then?

Cos you was very keen to see your imaginary daughter when you had one.

So go and see him, then.

Go on, I'll come with you if you want.

Cos you don't want to miss out on any more of his life than you already have.

Don't go all sentimental on me, Jack. I'm not like you. All "woe is me."

Boo hoo hoo, I can't see my daughter any more.

Eh?

And a one night stand doth not a father make.

No.

It takes a lot more than that.

Bottle.

Guts. Hard graft.

You know, being prepared to get slapped in the face

over and over again, but caring enough to keep going back for more.

You should write one of them self-help books for single dads. You'd make yourself a fortune.

ENGINE REVS

ENGINE REVS LOUDER

What do you reckon, eh?

HE CHUCKLES

Didn't know you had it in ya.

-ALFIE:

-And he's fallen over!

HE LAUGHS

Alfred, get your coat.

Why, have I pulled?

PAUL CHUCKLES

Yeah, and then he just cancelled our plans.

SHE SIGHS

Gran, are you all right? You don't look too good.

I don't feel too good, darling.

Must have been that dodgy sandwich I ate at the caff.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Ohh...

Hiya.

I think I'm going to be sick...

-It was only a kiss.

-ABI LAUGHS

Here, did I tell you about little Tommy?

-Kat sent me a video on my phone...

-23B.

-Hold on, what...what's all this?

-Be careful.

What...what is it?

That's on a need-to-know basis.

Yeah, well, Derek, I need to know. Cos if it's drugs I don't want to get involved, yeah?

-I'm quite happy for you to beat the living daylights out of me...

-It's a watch. It's my grandfather's watch.

And I want you to take it into that flat and give it to my son.

You've got a son?

-Do you think you can manage that?

-Yeah. Course. Not a problem.

-Good.

And while you're in there, I want you to convince him to see me.

-Why?

-What is this, Twenty Questions?

No, I'm just...just asking...

Well, let's just say I've missed more than his first steps over the years.

Well, go on, then.

Oh...

And Alfie...

None of your soft-soap, eh?

Don't build me up.

Don't put me down, either.

Just tell him...

Just tell him I want to see him.

All right.

That was amazing. Right listen, I've heard there's this demolition derby over Walthamstow...

What were you thinking of? Drawing attention to yourself like that. You ain't even old enough to drive yet.

-What happens if the Old Bill come sniffing round?

-But I did it for you.

-Well, you shouldn't have bothered, should ya?

-But I thought you was pleased.

-Well, you thought wrong.

Now, you should be at school. Keeping your head down. Doing normal things. Being normal.

DOOR SLAMS

ALFIE SIGHS

DEREK SIGHS

Take me home, Alf.

Derek, maybe he just needs a little bit of time...

Take me home!

And Alfie...

Don't mention a word of this to anyone.

And I mean anyone.

OK?

Yeah. OK.

DEREK SIGHS

ENGINE STARTS

DOORBELL RINGS

Mrs. Butcher?

No, she's not here.

And you would be...?

The babysitter.

Right.

-Perhaps I could wait.

-No.

She won't be back till late. Can I give her a message?

No.

Just tell her I'll be back tomorrow.

SHE SIGHS

-Bianca, what are you doing?

-Shhh.

Who was that at the door?

It was just that electric man. He just wanted me to sign something.

-Right. And do you know what, how about telling me the truth now?

-Why do you always doubt me?

-Cos maybe you always disappoint me.

-Oh, nice.

You ain't got a clue what it's like, have you?

What? Bringing up four kids on your own? Trust me, I think I know.

And whose fault is it that I'm on my own?

-Sorry?

-Well, you're the one who talked me into letting Ricky go.

You're the one who sent Ricky packing, not me.

While you were dripping poison in my ear. Trying to convince me it was for the best.

If you want to rewrite history, go ahead. I don't have to listen to this.

-Why did you do that? Why were you so keen for me and Ricky to split up?

-Go on, tell me. Enlighten me.

-Because you can't bear to see me happy, that's why.

-Ha ha!

-You can't.

My dad walked out on you again, and you just can't bear to see me happy.

So you just thought, "You know what I'll do, I'll just pass on my misery.

"I'll just do what I've always done and pass on my misery to my kids."

All I've ever done my whole life is sacrificed my happiness for my kids.

Oh, here you go. Playing the martyr again.

Well, it don't wash with me, Mum.

No.

I mean, what exactly have you sacrificed for us, eh?

-What would you have achieved in life if you hadn't've had us?

-You ungrateful little cow.

Do you think you're the only person who wanted to make something of their lives?

At least I still could make something of my life.

I gave up everything for you.

I gave up my youth, my freedom, my ambitions.

But that wasn't enough, was it? No, no. You had to take more.

You had to take the one thing that truly made me happy.

You had to take Dan.

BIANCA LAUGHS

Oh...

There it is!

Hey...

-You said you'd forgiven me for that.

-Yeah...

-But you haven't. Deep down you haven't.

-He was my one chance of happiness, and you took it from me.

-That man was an idiot!

An idiot that couldn't keep it in his trousers.

I done you a favour and opened your eyes.

Oh...oh I am sorry, so I should be thanking you for ruining my life, should I?

-If anyone's ruined their life, it's you.

-Yeah, the day I had you!

Right, if that's how you feel...

..get out.

Go on. Get out!

Go on, go upstairs and pack your things and get out, because I don't need you!

-Bianca...

-What, are you scared that you're going be on the street on your own, are you?

Just get out!

Right.

I'll be gone by the morning.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd