31/03/2014 EastEnders

You said you'd help me with winding up the B&B accounts!

I know but the builder just called. He wants to start the plastering but he can't find the plans.

-Plans?

-Yeah.

-Oh, right. So that's...

-That's what you and Jane were arguing about?

-I-I'm late.

It's just, I don't know why you're being so cagey about it.

It seems every time I ask you...

Canteen tables. That's what it is. These big, long tables.

-Jane wants to put 'em in there.

-Yeah, well, that's very modern.

It's a restaurant. It's... It's too familiar.

-SHIRLEY:

-What's that egg ever done to you?

I'm sorry. I had a mad one last night with Tosh!

If you don't want it...

Nah, all goes down the same way.

Said the actress to the bishop.

-Or the bishop to the actor.

-Tina!

What has happened to you?

Oh, nothing. Should've seen the state of the other geezer!

That's looking better already.

-SHIRLEY:

-State you were in, could hardly look worse.

-You never get into fights.

-It's not a fight.

Just having a couple of light ales and was mucking about.

-That does not look like mucking about, Dad.

-We was a bit tanked up.

-I still don't get how...

-There was a couple of sovereigns on his finger. I should've known better.

-You want an egg?

-Ain't he suffered enough?

Tin, I'd love an egg.

-So who did it?

-Don't matter who did it.

-Just let him eat.

You haven't even said where you were when...

I said, it doesn't matter!

He's told you - it was just lads messing. Now let him have his breakfast.

-I remember that - I loved that film!

-Oh, let's do it again.

-Let's sneak off in the afternoon, like we used to.

-You are a very bad influence, young lady.

She's got a restaurant to sort out, Dad.

She doesn't need you distracting her.

One afternoon?

PHONE RINGS Ooh, secret lover?

Yes?

So, has she said any more about how long she's staying?

No.

-She's a friend. And...

-A female friend.

I'm not saying it's a problem, I just think...

-people will talk.

-Let them.

-I just don't want, for your sake...

-Oh, this is for my sake, is it?

-Yes. ..for anyone to get the wrong idea.

-I am not throwing her out.

PHONE CHIMES

-Whoa!

-HE CHUCKLES

-SHE GIGGLES

-Right place, right time.

-Thanks.

You not going to read your text, then?

I'll read it later. In private.

SHARON: What's with the balloons?

-Lauren's birthday.

-Oh, right. Well, bring her to the opening tomorrow.

-I'll throw in some bubbly.

-She doesn't...

-Non-alcoholic, of course.

-Lauren's birthday, yeah?

-Yeah. Taking her out later.

I take it I'm not invited?

-There you go, birthday girl.

-Cheers.

-I know she said she weren't seeing him but...

-Who's that?

Lucy and Jake. They look all cosy.

What - he's seeing your best mate?

Wouldn't put it past him. I don't care.

-Just... You know, he's a mess. I don't want Lucy getting hurt.

-DOOR BELL RINGS

FRONT DOOR OPENS

-LUCY:

-Hello. She's in here, yeah?

Happy birthday!

Balloons!

Yeah. Do you think they're really stupid?

No. No, I love them. Thank you.

I've booked a booth - EC2 Bar in Shoreditch.

Whitney's up for it, and Peter and Lola.

I don't know. I just... I was thinking something more low key.

Yeah, but it's your birthday! We have to go out.

Lucy, if Lauren's not up for it...

Shoreditch, yeah?

What, am I going to need a dodgy haircut or something?

-Yeah? Yeah?

-THEY CHUCKLE

SHE SIGHS

-DAVID: Homework? TIFFANY:

-Yes.

-Trainers?

-Yes.

-Chocolate that you're not meant to have that I didn't see you take? BOTH:

-No!

-Right. OK...

You taking us to school in that?

-Tiffany, that is rude. Now, apologise to your nan.

-No, it's...

I was just saying.

Well, I think it looks nice. Change of image.

Look, this treatment, right?

One of the things it does is it makes your hair fall out.

I can either I take you to school looking like Terry,

or I wear a scarf.

Do you really look like Terry?

Show us!

No, no, it's just thinning a little bit.

Not quite like Terry. More like...

-More like Grandad.

-Now, that IS rude.

-Come on, let's go.

-Ta-ta. Have a nice day.

-Bye.

-See ya.

-You all right?

-Yeah, I'm all right. I'm not going to lie to them.

-I thought the cold cap was to prevent the hair coming out.

-No, I stopped using it.

-Why?

-Because it was really painful.

You know, like a big block of ice on your head.

What? Stop looking at me like that! It's the chemo that's important.

-This is... This is just hair.

-All right.

Ta-ta.

Oh, hi. I was hoping Shabnam was in -

help me with the old B&B accounts.

-She's just...

-It's just, you know what it's like, Jane.

Trying to find somewhere quiet, you know.

Yeah, well, er, I'm menu planning in the dining room.

We'll use the kitchen.

You know, Ian - he won't stop going on and on about this row the two of you had.

It... It was, er... It was nothing.

Well, I said to him -

if Jane wants a big, open kitchen in the restaurant,

you know, watching everyone cook...

That... That wasn't what we argued about.

No?

No.

I said I wanted canteen tables.

Ian said, "Canteen tables, in a restaurant?"

Yeah. Well, you know what Ian's like.

Sticks to what he knows.

Thanks.

She used to be with my dad, didn't she?

Well, I wouldn't exactly say "with" him.

It's all right. Mum told me. She said - when they split up.

What's the phrase again? Any port in a storm.

He still likes her. You know, I mean, really likes her.

Yeah, well...

some men find it hard to move on from an ex.

I want to know everything. Where she's getting her drinks from,

food she's doing for tomorrow's opening, special events.

I'll write it all in secret code and hide it in rocks in the park.

That's my sausage.

-This is Sharon, not North Korea.

-You're just jealous cos you ain't part of it.

Once we've got our pool table they won't have any customers anyway.

Nothing wrong with having more than one line of attack.

We can plan it this evening after we've all had catch-up night.

If only Hitler had thought of an invasion of cocktail waiters.

You won't all be laughing when Johnny brings down her empire.

I was right last night, weren't I?

-It was your dad.

-I told you, my dad weren't there.

-Drunk again, was he? Get a bit handy with his...

-I was caught off guard by squats, OK?

The door was open, the kid comes running out.

Caught me by surprise.

So how come your dad's got squatters?

I seen the neighbour, Brian.

Dad's in hospital with a broken ankle.

-And you're just going to let some kid get away with...

-What do you want me to do, L?!

I ain't got time to be chasing after some kid.

If there was something...

..you'd tell me, wouldn't you?

Yes. There's nothing to tell.

We ain't had a proper night out in ages, have we?

Yeah. And Peter can show us his moves!

What're you talking about? I've got moves!

Can you imagine that to music?

I'll see you later...

Snake Hips.

-See ya.

-Are you going to be all right getting a baby-sitter?

Billy's working, ain't he?

-Actually, I've already asked Cora.

-Oh!

-Mwah! I'll see you later.

-See you later.

Making me lie to Denise!

At least I had the decency to ring and warn you.

How many times? There is nothing between us.

-I never said there was!

-And there isn't going to be.

Whoa, whoa, you two are not arguing again, are you?

Er...

no, actually. I was just saying how Jane was right.

Oh. I was?

About the canteen tables and...things.

Then again, she usually is.

-Oh, yeah?

-Well, maybe you'll learn to say it at the time.

Leave you two to it.

All right, Mick?

What happened there, mate?

-It's all right - it's none of my business.

-It was my son Lee.

You look smart.

Yeah. Yeah, Sharon's training me up.

Is she? What, are you working there now?

Big opening night tomorrow. You should pop down.

Your mum's going to kill you.

Yeah, well, I do what I want, don't I?

Thanks.

Listen, it's Lauren's birthday.

-There's a couple of us going out, if you want to come.

-Ah, no, I can't.

Me, mum and the others - it's catch-up night.

We miss a lot of TV over weekends...

What happened to "I do what I want"?

On catch-up night? Are you joking? She'd...

-I'll see you later.

-Bye.

What?

Well...

"Jane's right about everything."

Oh, maybe he just meant, you know, the restaurant.

She comes back here - perfect mum, perfect businesswoman.

Perfect hair.

You're not helping.

Anyway, I'm going to show her - I'm all them things as well, you know.

Are you jealous?

-Do me a favour! I'm just sick of looking up her nostrils.

-Ah.

There's only one thing for it, then.

Time for some WWMD.

"What would Mum do?"

He's supposed to be in Afghanistan.

Well, then, he ain't going to be decking people in Canning Town, is he?

I know. I know, it's just...

It's mad, innit?

-You said it was dark, didn't you?

-He was the same height, same build.

I just can't help thinking that...

You just know, when it's your own kids, don't you?

You just... You just know.

It's funny - I used to see my boy Bradley everywhere.

I called out to someone once.

Geezer turned round, didn't look nothing like him.

Where is he, your boy?

He died, Mick. Four years ago.

I'm sorry.

I know it ain't the same but I know what it's like when you've got a son and you miss 'em.

What's Linda think?

I ain't told her yet, have I?

No secrets - that's always been our marriage.

Mine was always the opposite.

Well, I don't think I'd tell her, mate. Not till you're totally sure.

I don't want to worry her. It's just...

if it is him...

and he's done a runner from the Army, then he's in trouble.

-Something's happened.

-Just bell him up.

They won't let him have a blower. His e-mails - he ain't answering them.

-Right, well, ask your dad.

-Yeah(!)

Seriously, Mick, if you think he's hiding your boy...

Nah.

Nah, you're right. Probably just seeing ghosts.

Dad. Earlier.

About Jane - I think I was a bit rude.

-She's just a friend, Shabnam.

-I know.

-And even if she wasn't...

-So you're saying that...

It wouldn't be any of your business.

I know you're just friends. I mean...

she clearly still has feelings for Ian.

I don't think so!

Come on, the way she looks at him...

It really isn't any of your business.

They're sat in our house together.

-Working.

-I know but...

They've got a business together. They've got a kid.

Exactly, exactly! It's not easy to move on from that.

You know how important those things are to Ian.

-She divorced him.

-So? Doesn't mean people just...

Jane stopped having feelings for Ian a long time ago.

Though Ian, on the other hand...

Income and expenditure.

I ain't done a spreadsheet in, like...

Well, since school.

PHONE CHIMES

-Anyone nice?

-Er...it's just about tonight.

-Yeah, it is good but we're still going to need an accountant at the end of the year.

-Yeah.

PHONE CHIMES SHE CLEARS THROAT

What we were thinking was burgers, salads, that sort of thing - keep it simple.

-Burgers, salads - got it.

-DOOR BELL RINGS

Yeah, well, it was more Jane's idea anyway.

-Jake, I'm talking to you!

-Yeah, and I'm listening.

-Who's so important you've got to spend all your time on the phone?

-Ian, he can have a life!

Not when he works for me, he can't.

HE CHUCKLES Denise!

I'll make a brew.

I was just thinking that we never did anything,

you know, to welcome you back to the Square.

You don't have to do that.

So I thought I'd cook something this evening.

-For Jane?

-Yes, well, it wouldn't be a welcome-back if she weren't there.

Well, that's great. Yeah, thanks.

-Good.

-Shall I bring anything?

Just Masood - you know, make up the numbers -

and something to pick up Ian's jaw from off the floor.

THEY CHUCKLE

HE MUTTERS

I can't believe you've got all these spirits!

-Where do you get your stuff from?

-Johnny....

This is Steffi and Curtis. Our new bar staff.

-Cooking for those three?

-Curry goat!

They run restaurants. Catering business, food stalls.

You work in a shop and sell a couple of sandwiches.

You got a problem with my sandwiches?

Denise has gone all MasterChef!

Where are you going to get a goat in Walford?

I'm not cooking goat! Will you all stop going on about goat?

I never said "goat".

-I love curry goat!

-I'm not doing goat!

Ian's going to be all over it. In and out of that kitchen.

Yes, and that is why I'm...

Doing it at Patrick's.

What, you, on your own, cooking a poncey meal?

No. No, not on her own. I'm helping.

-It was Denise's idea.

-With, er, her and Ian?

Well, yeah, Ian would be there too.

Hmm. Better put the iron on.

Masood...

you don't think it's...weird?

My ex and his new fiancee?

Hmm.

Well, it's not like we're throwing our car keys on the table.

Lovely to see a woman with a proper set of curves.

All these girls, skinny as a rake.

Are those yours darling, or silicone?

Thought you was at death's door.

I do apologise - 76 years of age and he's still not house trained.

Been in the wars, have you?

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

He's gorgeous, ain't he?

-I was just...

-A man who can do so many things with his hands at once?

-Well...

-I was just wondering how he fit into them jeans.

How he does - or you could?

Well, it's the big day tomorrow.

So try to give the punters some attention, too.

But in the meantime...

-We was always patching up your face.

-"We"?

You were never there.

They won't let me go home on my own.

You seen Lee?

Why would I have seen Lee?

Just wondered if he'd paid you a visit.

None of the rest of you have paid me a visit.

Don't know why he'd fly in from Afghanistan just cos I've had a fall.

-I just thought that...

-Half the boys out there are lucky to come home with legs.

Me taking a tumble don't really count for a royal visit.

So you ain't seen him, then?

No, I ain't seen him. Ain't seen him for years.

Ain't seen any of you till you came sniffing round for money.

Tina's the only one who remembers who her father is.

That's cos she's spent most her life off her nut.

She doesn't really remember who you are.

Thanks for the grapes.

Really appreciate them.

Why all this talk about Lee?

Why you asking about him?

-I just wondered if...

-No, you didn't.

I went to see you at your flat.

-When?

-Yesterday.

And someone gave me a dig.

And I thought, er...

it was Lee.

I didn't see who it was cos they run off.

Must have been one of them ASBOs from the estate.

-They'd mug you for a cough drop.

-Nah. It didn't feel like it.

Moment they see an ambulance, they're in there like a shot.

Kick the door in, did they?

No, everything was fine.

Maybe I didn't shut it properly.

Lucky you got there before they could do the place in.

There was just... There was something about him. I don't know.

And you think your boy would do that? Hit his own father?

Before you know it, he'll be all grown up

and refusing to let his old dad come home with him to convalesce.

Nice try.

-LUCY:

-Sure you don't want a coffee?

No, I'm all right. Shall I, er...

-Shall I get these business cards ordered?

-Oh, yeah.

What are you doing?

All right? Little gift.

It's silk.

Well, I thought, if you're going to wear a scarf, you know,

may as well have...

I'm really sorry, Carol.

Going to take more than a scarf.

-I'll leave it on there.

-No, don't. Haven't wiped that yet.

Thank you.

It's lovely.

"Might not drink tonight. Peter."

Oh, "Lauren won't mind. Whitney."

OK. I'm sorry.

I thought you were texting Jake, didn't I?

I told you nothing was going on.

I know, but...

But what? You don't trust me?

Yes! Yes, obviously I trust you, Lucy.

-Because if we're working together, Lauren...

-Yes. I dunno.

I dunno, I saw you with him earlier, didn't I?

-And I saw you with him last week...

-It is all in your head.

You going to shoot me?

No. Course not. It's your birthday.

Well, I will have that coffee, then.

It is my birthday.

I'll take this.

Hey. Don't call me again today.

No, Lauren just searched through my phone.

It's fine - I delete all of your texts.

Curtis can do this thing where he picks up three bottles at once and I can't...

Whoa. You got a crush?

No, I'm just saying.

Oh, my God, he's got a crush!

-Who's got a crush?

-Johnny's got a crush.

-Nance!

Sharon's new barman. Curtis.

-You're there to gather information.

-That's one way of looking at it!

-You're there for me. Nothing else.

-And if it was a girl?

-That's got nothing to do with it.

-Come on, give the boy a break.

-Shirley, customer.

-You can tell me all Sharon's secrets later.

-I'm going out.

-It's catch-up night!

-I ain't going to be there.

-Where is he?

-Who, Mick?

Someone mention my name?

I've just had Dad on the phone.

You ever going to tell us he was in hospital?

-DENISE:

-It's sticking.

-SHABNAM:

-It's not sticking!

-How you've managed to make it stick when you've put so much oil in...

-The spices need to cook out!

-But you're not cooking them onions properly.

-Denise?

This is how I always cook onions.

That's not how I've said to cook 'em, is it?

-You're meant to be making my life easier so Jane's impressed with...

-Would somebody tell me what...

-She's her mother's daughter, all right. Don't listen to a word.

-What are you doing in my kitchen?

-Curry chicken.

-We couldn't get goat so...

I mean, while I'm out playing cards I want to know...

I - sorry, we - wanted somewhere Ian weren't going to get all involved.

I'm cooking for Masood and Ian... and Jane.

Well, I hope they like washing up.

Stir it!

-He can have my room.

-It's not just your room.

-Tina!

-I'll sleep on the floor.

-I'm not having that man in this house.

He can go on the sofa, or we put a bed in the lounge.

-I don't want him in my lounge.

-He's not coming here!

-You can't leave him in hospital.

-Thank you, Nancy.

-If your dad says no, he means no.

He said he got a neighbour to call you yesterday.

-Mick went round his gaff and came back with a black eye.

-Oh, L.

-Is that when you got beaten up?

I didn't get beaten up.

So did you see who did it?

Yeah, just... It was just kids from the estate.

Dad weren't there, though, was he? Cos he was in hospital, where he's been all week.

Funny how he didn't tell us before he knew he couldn't come home.

-He's old and he's had a fall.

-You've been outvoted.

-And he ain't got no-one else.

He is not staying here!

TANNOY: 'The westbound District line is currently suspended...'

Thought I missed you.

-I'm not getting a bus.

-It ain't that far!

-We could go to the Vic.

-No, I ain't going back to the Vic.

Oh, brilliant. Cab?

Actually, I've got keys to the Albert.

Fancy a private party?

-You serious?

-Yes, let's go!

-Yes.

Oi!

What did he do?

Grandad.

Like, when you and Dad was little - did he, like...?

Do you think he'd still be alive if he did?

Yeah, but I just don't get why you and Dad hate him so much.

Darling, there are hundreds of reasons why I hate him -

but that's not one of them.

This looks amazing.

I mean, you did all this for Jane? On your own?

Yeah.

Well...you know, Shabnam -

she come and she just give me a little bit of a hand.

PATRICK CLEARS THROAT

Sorry, me dear, I'm not staying.

Yeah. Yeah, I know. This is for me.

Oh, sorry - I just assumed.

I mean, it's not a double date, is it?

-You two, Jane and my dad?

-BOTH: No!

I mean, I can go if you want.

No. No, you stay.

You know, it's like - the more the merrier.

PHONE CHIMES

So what happened, Mick?

At Dad's, when you went round there?

Like I said. Just a kid.

A kid rattled you?

I know you, Mick. There's something you're not telling me.

It just shook me up a bit.

You know, being back there.

You let him in, there's going to be nothing but trouble.

And I promise you I will not let that man

anywhere near this family again.

-STAN:

-Easy, easy.

Dad's coming to stay.