01/04/2014 EastEnders

No hug for your old man?

He's not a dad, Teen. He's money out of the tills.

He's us losing punters. He's Linda going to stay back at her mother's.

If it wasn't for him we wouldn't exist!

The only reason he had kids is

so he'd have someone to send round the shop for his fags!

-I could knock you out.

-He's an invalid.

Roles reversed, OK? He would not take you in, Tina.

Look at us! He's been here two minutes and we're fighting.

Actually, he's OUR dad, so it ain't really any of your business.

It's my home you've invited him in to!

He's as nice as pie to your face but behind your back...

What? Go on.

Says you're not really into girls, you just need taming.

A strong hand.

What did you say he used to call her?

A dog without a lead.

Harsh.

Did the trick, though. I'm calling him a cab.

It's a term of endearment, love!

You know me, I'm a gags man.

Just remember, she's the only one fighting your corner.

You couldn't ask Linda to fetch me a cuppa...?

Let's go.

Oh, no, back, back, back!

I shouldn't have told you that.

He can call me what he wants.

Yeah? Well, how come you're sitting out here?

Cos you always side with Shirley. He's my dad as well.

He's just scared, you know?

Cos if we all get on, then what?

Then we talk about mum, don't we?

We talk about when we were kids and he don't like that.

So he acts up.

Hello, love. You got a boyfriend?

-You want another one?

-HE LAUGHS

Oi, can you not interfere with the punters, please!

Take me home, Teen. I'm not begging.

HE COUGHS

If you want him gone, you have to take him back yourself.

I ain't kicking him out cos he's too scared to be decent.

All set? DOORBELL RINGS

What you after, Ian, a guard of honour?

Hello!

Hi.

Come on in!

-Masood...

-Hi. How you doing?

-Jane.

-That's a bit formal.

Denise! How lovely of you to have us over.

-It's my pleasure.

-Shabnam. What are you doing here?

-Just helping.

-Ian. Why don't you show everyone through.

-Starters are nearly done.

-Yeah. This way...

They've been out there for ages.

They're working on him. He's a soft touch, your dad.

No, not with this. He knows...

Cancel the cab.

It's not for long.

The doctor said he only needs looking after for three weeks.

Linda. I'll keep to myself. Help out where I can.

Lying there with my broken ankle, it was your faces I saw...

I know I don't deserve it. But thank you.

-You're not going to fall for that, are you?

-It's decided.

Three weeks.

He is going to poison every part of this family.

By the end of the week we're going to be at war, Mick!

It'll be fine.

Please, Mick, don't.

Careful... Are we going to carry him up?

You look after the pub. I'll speak to Mick.

You two are hilarious. He's tiny.

If he kicks off, I'll, like, sit on him or something.

The way Dad was going on,

-I was expecting, like, Robocop - not Friar Tuck in a wheelchair.

-Don't be taken in by that.

When he used to drink he couldn't even tell us apart.

No matter what we did he just cut into us...tearing us...

until, one day, we just...

..stopped talking.

And there was silence at the table.

It's going to happen here, you watch.

And the worst thing was we started turning on each other.

Because that's his trick. He makes you hate yourself.

We'll make it just like home up here, Dad. You'll love it.

Colourful place you got. Are those...?

-Yeah, yeah, they're parakeets, yeah.

-Parakeets.

There you go.

-I got you.

-All right?

By the look of you, we won't be doing that again in a hurry.

-Three weeks.

-Yeah. If he's better.

He'll be better.

Dad, Lady Di. Lady Di, Dad.

Best looking woman in the house!

-After me.

-Yeah, after you.

DOG WHIMPERS

This is so good.

Yeah? It's just an old, you know, family recipe.

Should be hearing about the market closure by Easter.

Not holding my breath, though.

Mint sauce, Jane?

-IAN AND JANE TOGETHER: Oh, no, she don't...

-Oh, no, I don't...

-She's minty enough.

-I'm minty enough.

What are you two like?

What's that? What does that even mean?

-"Minty enough?"

-It's, you know, like a play on words...you know...

-"sweet enough".

-Like, with sugar.

-In tea.

-Tea...

SHE LAUGHS

How's the restaurant coming along?

Oh, I think we've finally decided on the Beales' logo at last!

-When can we see it?

-Well, we're not going to unveil it yet. It's top-secret.

Ooh. Ooh.

We're all hanging on the edges of our seats here.

SHE SIGHS

Do you know what, I think I'm going to get a little top-up.

-This really is delicious.

-Thanks.

I mean, on behalf of Denise.

Hiya.

What's going on in here?

A-ha...

Do you remember? I always used to call you my Jessica Lange.

Only hoping that I'd call you my King Kong.

-Do you fancy it?

-We never did get to the end of it.

-Too busy snogging, that's why.

-Where are the kids?

-Sent them out for something to eat with Bianca.

Come on, sit down.

No, I'm going to go and see Max. He's got his genetic testing tomorrow.

Oh, Carol. Come on, that's nothing, is it?

It's only taking a bit of blood. He'll be all right.

Come on, sit down. I got popcorn. Nice bottle of wine.

We can have a nice romantic night in.

I think we're a long way from being romantic, David.

SIREN BLARES

I thought Sharon was going to bed down here for the night.

Oh, wow, I can see the hipsters working their 'taches in here.

-Hipsters? It's a bit small, innit?

-But it's all ours.

Listen up! Ground rules! Oi!

Sharon's got this place just right for tomorrow

-so we put back what we drink and we leave the place exactly...

-SHE GROANS

..exactly as we found it. Agreed?

THEY ALL EXPRESS AGREEMENT

Good! Cos Phil Mitchell finds out about this, I am a dead man.

You and that phone!

Just work. Trying to get us rich.

-LOUD MUSIC STARTS

-Lola, what have I just said? Can you turn it down?

Sharon?

-I can't get through to this delivery company.

-Thought they was coming in the morning?

Yeah, well, I need to double check. Not much of a cocktail bar without any mixers, is it?

Sharon, they'll come! You know what you're doing.

You've been in the game years, ain't you?

There might be a few glitches along the way

but anything goes wrong, you'll deal with it, easy, won't you?

You trying to get back in my good books?

Why? Am I not there already?

Not quite. So how do you fancy christening The Albert?

Before the punters get their grubby hands on it tomorrow...

-Come on, come through.

-OK. Thank you.

-You don't mind, do you? I'm just finishing my dinner.

-You don't do that every night, do you?

What?

Oh, you're worse than Liam. Put that phone away.

Oh, it's Lauren. She's out for her birthday.

Just waiting for that call from A&E.

She'll be all right. She's been around alcohol before.

-I'll stick the kettle on.

-All right.

Apparently, it's all about the snappy hand movements.

So you look like you're doing something impressive...

Don't... Don't do that.

-Have you actually studied mixology or is this just guesswork?

-Peter, shut up, he's really good!

MUSIC TURNED UP

Can you turn that music down?

Don't do this and don't do that.

-Can we actually go somewhere we can have some fun?

-This is fun.

There you go. Use a beer mat...

Ah, the good old mocktail.

What happens if have too much vitamin C, guys?

Nothing, babe - not buzz-wise, anyway.

Happy days.

Look, I can't drink that. Have you got any cider?

So what's it like working together again?

-Just like the good old days?

-Yeah.

Yeah. It's not exactly like them.

No, not exactly, but...

We know how to work in tandem, don't we?

What he means by that is I ignore his moods and get on with it.

All right, I admit it. I can be a difficult partner.

But I aim high.

Partner now.

He says boss when you're not around.

Oh, old habits...

So, come on, you must have loads of old stories

working together over the years.

Really? Really, stories about a cafe?

Things have gone down in that cafe, believe me.

Yeah, and some things are best kept secret.

Yeah.

You know, you don't want to bore our guests to tears, do you?

Denise, is everything OK?

Can anyone smell burning?

The chicken!

VOICES ON TV

Here you go.

Urgh!

That's disgusting. You never could make a cup of tea.

Your way takes ages. Faffing about with all that milk.

No, you don't put the milk in first, Carol,

cos the tea bag don't infuse, does it?

How you feeling about tomorrow?

It'll be all right. Only a scratch.

Well, makes you think, doesn't it, about the kids? It did with me.

Honestly, that tea bag.

Packaged in India and then flown 4,000 miles to be mullered by you.

Do you want me to come with you?

What, you not had enough of hospitals lately?

You know, a little while back, Tanya would have gone with you.

-Or even Kirsty...

-What's that supposed to mean?

It's just bad timing. You not having anybody.

I got the girls! Well, I ain't got them tonight.

-Not tomorrow either?

-Why are you worrying about tomorrow for?

Everything's fine, Carol. The girls are happy. Business is good.

And you - you're supposed to be living in the present.

-Yeah, well, I'd be at home with David watching King Kong.

-You should be there.

Instead of round here, trying to get me worked up about tomorrow.

Honestly, just live in the present.

Yeah, where I've got cancer?

No. Where you've got a fighting chance.

Unlike that cup of tea.

I'll make a fresh one.

Maybe we should go in there and help.

No. Denise told me I couldn't interfere.

No reason why you couldn't though.

More wine?

-Oh, no, I don't think...

-Come on.

It's ruined. The whole thing.

I thought you were meant to be helping me.

Not helping Ian and Jane just reminisce all night!

I cooked everything for you!

Yes, and now it's burnt to a crisp, innit?

Is there a problem here?

Actually, we could use your help. Chicken's...

Right, well, look, you've made this delicious curry sauce.

We could go vegetarian?

No. No, because there's not enough veg, is there?

-Of course there is... You've got a courgette...

-Yes.

-And look at that, you've got two onions.

-That's a real feast, that(!)

We don't need much.

Look, it's my dinner and if I say there isn't enough...

I think Masood's making things worse!

Ian, Denise seems really on edge.

All I know is this wouldn't have happened with you.

It was fun, weren't it?

Talking about the old days in the cafe.

Yeah. Happy memories.

Tell me you haven't been thinking about that kiss.

Denise has just popped out for a takeaway.

You are joking?

Peter, I'm going to grab something to eat.

Take that out, would you? And use the chippy's, yeah?

Thanks.

-Try to relax, babe.

-This was a big mistake.

Yeah, but look, everyone's having a right laugh.

Yeah, but it's me that loses his life. This is like Sharon's baby.

-Which means it's Phil's baby, more or less. And if they knew...

-MUSIC TURNED UP

Peter, can you TURN IT DOWN?!

No!

-Where's Lauren?

-I'll clean it up. Don't worry.

Do you know how many times Sharon's counted these glasses?

-Where's Lola?

-I don't know, Peter.

Hey, what you doing down here on your own?

What is that?

I dunno. I just wanted to join in.

Lauren, have you seen how strong they're making these?

Look. Honestly.

In an hour or so, everyone is going to be throwing up

and making a fool of themselves, and then you're just going to say,

"Thank God that's not me - they look stupid."

Yeah. You're always looking out for me, ain't ya?

OK, yeah.

Let's just go back upstairs, yeah?

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

You get more and more stunning.

-Your cataracts are just getting worse.

-HE LAUGHS HEARTILY

I'm doing this for Tina, OK? It's important to her.

-Right, Dad, here's your feather.

-Yeah?

Tina's going to bring in your blankets.

Shirley ain't exactly making the customers feel welcome down there.

You need anything else?

You all right getting to the khazi of a night and all that, yeah?

Quite all right, thank you. Nancy. Come over here.

Let's have a look at you.

Yeah. Haven't you turned into a beauty?

Dunno 'bout that, Stan.

Call me Grandad.

I look like a useless old so-and-so, you might as well call me one.

Whatever, Grandad.

What's the time? Boxing's on in a minute!

-Who's fighting?

-Take an interest, do you?

Watching men knock each other out? 'Course.

-You one of her lot?

-No, she ain't, Dad. Don't panic.

She just knows her enemy.

Well, come on, sit yourselves down and we'll do a bit of man-hating together.

Can't stand either of these two fighters.

Right pair of chauvinists, they are!

HE LAUGHS

Can't believe you made me stop off for a meat pie.

I've been at work all day, I'm starving!

-I was trying to be spontaneous.

-This is spontaneous.

Didn't know I was going to come in till I walked past.

There's nothing wrong with the head on that. You don't like it, there's plenty other pubs.

-It's quiet tonight.

-Bet it ain't up there.

We're about to have dinner. Mick wanted you to join us, actually.

Chinese?

Yes, what else am I supposed to do? I've got to give them something.

Don't tell me. Another old family recipe(?)

-All right, sweetheart.

-Nice hat, Pops.

-All right?

-Give us a chip.

-Oi! You want a chip, you have to earn your keep.

-I said I want a chip.

-No.

Come on, wind it in.

Busted.

So what is it now? Lauren, Lola, me...

Is there anyone, apart from your sister, that you ain't been out with?

-You two went out?

-Yeah.

Oh, yeah, yeah. We "went out" didn't we? For about ten minutes!

She's been out with everyone, though.

She'll be trying to turn you next.

It was a joke!

'Scuse me.

Whit, it was a joke!

Delicately handled.

Help me with this and you can have a chip.

Oh, no.

Peter, he just... He didn't mean to upset you.

It's all right. No-one ever does.

-What you doing!?

-Come on, Johnny.

-Johnny?!

-Run!

Come on, Peter!

-What's got into you?

-Lo?

-SHOUTING

That's it, run, boy. And you keep running an' all!

I'm proud of you, son. All this. Everything we never had.

Stability. Parakeets...

And whose fault was the lack of stability?

You got to stop blaming your mother some day.

Was hard in those days.

Without Sylvie.

Shirley did her best, didn't you, Shirl? But she was young.

She was great! She always had our dinner on the table.

She always had us ready for school.

Wouldn't catch me doing that for Johnny.

There's that maternal instinct again(!)

You had your moments, eh, Shirl? Some better than others.

We all struggled.

Yeah. But like I said at the time, it wasn't your fault.

What weren't? Sylvie leaving?

Yeah, well, you don't need to drag that up now, do you?

What with you being on your best behaviour.

-There he is!

-Johnny...

-You OK?

-What's the matter, boy? You look ill.

-Is this the boy?

No. No, I just... Er... Whitney tried it on with me.

What's the matter with that!?

Me and girls don't really mix.

Sorry, who is that?

Oh, this is Stan, this is your grandad.

And he's another woofter?

Oi. Oi, oi. Oi.

First Tina. Now Johnny. Still not too convinced about Nancy.

Lee's the only proper one and he'll probably come home in a body bag!

What did you just say?

-Excuse me. I've just got to...

-Mum?

You could make this easier.

What have I said now?

DVD PLAYS ON TV, DOOR OPENS

-Is that you, Carol?

-Yep.

You're back early.

-You're finally watching it through to the end, then.

-Yep.

38 years later.

-She going to be all right?

-Yes, so long as he doesn't drop her.

Do you think he will?

Take more than a few bi-planes...

..Jessica.

Well, that's the old woman in bits.

You're poison.

Poison!? Is that what you all think?

-Not going to leap to my defence?

-Why don't you just leave?

If it weren't for me you'd be dead, son.

What you talking about now?

There'd be no fancy wallpaper. No bulldogs.

-You owe me everything.

-Don't.

-What, just cos you're his dad?

-Cos I saved his life once.

Oh, here we go. What's this? Another one of your stories, yeah?

This one's different. This is one you want to listen to.

It was our faces you saw, weren't it, when you did your ankle?

But not one of them faces will be at your funeral.

Shirley! DOOR SLAMS SHUT

Wow. She thought that would take a week.

Same old Shirl. If it weren't for her

you would have known your grandma.

You would have known your mum.

Dad. Why don't we go and get your stuff?

-Oh, that can wait till tomorrow.

-Let's give everyone a breather.

Let them get used to the playing field. Yeah?

Yeah, s'pose.

Baby, go and set your grandad's wheelchair up.

Put it at the bottom of the stairs.

Couldn't set one up for me an' all, could you?

Good girl.

I heard Denise come back ages ago.

She's a bit...not herself.

It's me. The ex.

You're here with me.

I don't blame her.

Ian does talk about you a lot.

I mean, the whole time we were cooking, it was Jane this,

Jane that. I'd hate you if I were her!

I'll go see what's up.

-Jane this, Jane that.

-I'm sure it's not that bad.

Oh, come on, he fawns all over you!

-He obviously wants you back.

-Well, I don't want him back.

Really? All those trips down memory lane...

Clearly he thinks there's something on the cards.

Finally, dinner is served.

Oh! 'Scuse us.

I got three kids and six grandkids.

Two of them are fluffy. That's... That's, what?

That's 25%! I'm underpinning the gay community!

I made some funny choices when I was younger, your mother included,

but never that.

You sure you made the right choice, giving Shirley a job?

We here?

This ain't Canning Town. My flat's miles away.

Surely this is Stratford?

It's Stratford, isn't it?

-Mick, what's going on? Mick, careful.

-Get out.

My ankle!

Oww. What you doing!?

Look, son, you're not leaving me!

Son, I'm sorry. I don't know what I did...

That thing with Lee. It was a joke! You can't do this!

I haven't got nothing!

No. You lost the lot.

THUNDER RUMBLES