16/09/2014 EastEnders

Come on, then, where's the rest of them?

OK, OK, calm down ladies. I had some light entertainments planned.

-Stripper, stripper!

-Oh, and he's the "light entertainment," is he?

-It may be entertainment but he's not light.

-Where's the stripper?

-Where's Sharon?

-You know what, I think you should be the stripper, Phil!

SHOUTS OF "OFF! OFF!"

I think that chemo's gone to your head!

I thought we'd play a game.

I thought it'd be nice to see inside our friends' hearts

rather than inside some stranger's trousers.

-I'd rather see Phil strip.

-Off! Off! Off! Off!

I thought this was supposed to be an 'en party.

-Where's the fun?

-Where's the hen?

-Uh, she's...preparing.

-Preparing what?

-Her big entrance, of course!

-Ooh!

Come on - let's get some drinks out here.

-These girls are dying of thirst.

-If I've got to watch Phil Mitchell strip, make mine a tequila.

-A double.

-You should be so lucky.

Got it.

Cherry Hogs!

For Phil's stag.

Cherry Hogs? What is that, man?

It sounds like a stripper joint for the larger lady.

Yeah. Or motorbikes for effeminate males? Billy.

Really?

That one's done me, as it happens. Cherry hogs, cherry hogs?

Oh! Dogs! Greyhounds.

Rhyming slang does my head in. Are we playing poker or what?

We're waiting for Alfie, ain't we?

We've been waiting. How long does it take to get beer?

-Maybe he's had a better offer?

-What? I mean, we've got food, we've got drink, mates, jokes.

What could be more important than this?

Maybe I should go have a little look for him.

No, Mick, maybe you should sit down and ante up, eh?

Alfie's a big boy, He can look after himself, can't he?

PHONE RINGS

Hold up, hold up.

It's the old woman.

L...

Just calm down.

I'll keep an eye open for her.

It's probably just the booze or something, you know, it's just like...

Don't worry. I've found her.

I'll call you back.

Linda said you had a bit of a panic attack. What's the matter?

I'm just being silly. Don't worry.

I'm fine.

Course are you.

Bit of fresh air,

you'll be sweet as and you'll be ready to go back to the party.

It's normal to have a little wobble just before the big day.

You know that, don't you?

It's not a wobble.

It's not a panic attack, Mick.

I can't do this.

Do what? The hen?

No, be here. Be with Phil.

Well, I take it they're all in there? The stags.

Well, I might as well tell Billy he's wasting his time.

Just slow down. Don't do nothing rash.

Let's go in the kitchen. I'll make you a nice drink

and try and sort your nut out. Come on.

Tequila!

Righto, ladies, I've got the...

Where are you going?

-You got me here to play a game for the hen, right?

-Yeah.

-Well, there's no hen, is there?

-I told you, she'll be here.

"What is Phil's favourite film?"

-The Great Escape.

-Is that right, Phil?

Yeah. Makes every Christmas special.

Now when you see her, just tell her I've gone home, yeah.

If you're not going to stay, then I need your answers for when she gets back.

"Is Phil a leg or a breast man?"

-Definitely a leg.

-Really?

-Yeah. Well, you can't fake a pair of pins, can you?

-Too much info, Shirl.

-You want me to tell my intimate secrets to this lot?

-It's for Sharon,

for your blushing bride. Your one true love. Come on, Phil. She'll love it.

She ain't even here, is she?

-Just...

-Come on...

All right, all right, all right! You've got ten minutes. OK?

-Another round?

-Yes!

Let's have another question!

Where's Kat?

I think she's gone to get the kids.

Maybe I should go and help her.

If she wants to miss all the fun, let her.

Hey, darling, it's me.

You're probably knee-deep in pink cocktails right now, aren't ya?

Anyway, I hope you're having a blinding time. Thinking about you.

And I love you, Kat. I love you.

Bye.

PHONE BEEPS

What about the time with the West Ham tickets?

That was a classic.

What happened there?

Right. Well, for his birthday, Mum got 'em both Arsenal away tickets.

She got 'em, like, little matching West Ham scarves.

He was proper happy about it, weren't he? Go on.

OK, well, so they've showed up, all claret and blue, they've gone

and got their tickets from the box office.

Only problem was that Mum had got them tickets in the home end.

The mighty Arsenal? You're joking?

Honest! So Dad's sat there, surrounded by Arsenal fans,

and Mum just didn't have a clue, she's having the time of her life.

-They lost - what was it? Two-nil, that day.

-Yeah!

Yeah, the Arsenal fans made up this chant,

and Dad had to sit there and just suffer it. Great.

DOORBELL I'll get that.

Who knew one family had so many funny stories?

-Beale's here.

-Hello. You all right?

JOHNNY AND NANCY LAUGH

Linda got the hump, has she?

She's just worried about you, that's all.

She wanted today to be perfect, didn't she?

So did I.

I thought that if everything was perfect...

you know, the dress, the flowers, the vows -

then things'd be different.

But they're not. It's all a lie.

Don't say that.

You know that's not true.

Really?

I got this, this morning. RSVP. From my mate Michelle.

"Due to Ian's health, neither me or Ian can make your wedding."

That's it.

That's all she put.

So she hates Phil. So what?

She doesn't hate Phil. She hates me with Phil.

We bring out the worst in each other.

And the best?

Yeah. Sometimes.

Well, you know what that sounds like to me? A marriage.

"For better or for worse."

You don't know what our worst looks like.

You know, we all can't be like you and Linda.

The golden couple.

I've known Phil most of my life, but sometimes I don't know him at all.

And he don't know me. We're not like you two.

We don't have that trust.

And you think trust just comes out of thin air?

You know, it's not easy for me and Linda.

We have to work at it every single day.

And sometimes we get it wrong. But we work at it.

And do you know why? Because we love each other.

Do you love him?

Yeah.

Always have.

Well, then maybe you need to take that leap of faith and marry him.

We've done some terrible things to each other, Mick.

Yeah, but that's love, ain't it? It's like a double-edged sword.

It cuts both ways.

DOOR OPENS

Oh. All right, Sharon? Shouldn't you be over at the hen night?

No, Linda sent her over here. Got a surprise prepared for her.

-Think she'll probably be ready for you now though, Sharon?

-Yeah, she probably is.

For better, for worse, huh?

-ALFIE:

-Beers up, fellas.

Ah, finally!

You smell of smoke.

Some bloke smoking outside the Minute Mart. Chain smoker.

-Must have stuck to my jacket, you know.

-What've you done?

Am I dealing you two in? Are we playing poker or not?

No. I am winning poker.

Well, your luck has got to change sometime, Alfie, eh.

Here is your matches, sir. Mick, here's yours as well, mate.

Hit me.

Don't make me hit you.

Oi. That's a bit weird, ain't it? Peter turning up.

Is it? Not really. He's my mate.

Oh? He just can't seem to take his eyes off you.

-There's nothing going on between you two, is there?

-No! Course there ain't!

All right! Keep your hair on.

Just since he turned up,

-the testosterone levels in there have gone critical.

-Really? Hadn't even noticed.

It's nothing to do with me.

All right. Thanks.

-Here y'are. Iced tea.

-Thanks.

You two kissed and made up, right?

You had a fight?

No. Actually, Cora accused my dad of sleeping with a prostitute.

Nancy thought she was lying

and Lauren thought she was telling the truth.

Hilarity ensued.

It turns out it was Ian who was sleeping with the prostitute.

In retrospect, it was all a storm in a D cup.

-No?

-Iced tea? Have you got anything stronger?

-Uh, no. Sorry. Not in this house.

-What, nothing?

She's a recovering alcoholic, genius.

All right! Who took the jam out of your doughnut?

I'm just saying, I thought you'd be a bit more tactful.

She's supposed to be your girlfriend.

Tactful? Like you were with Lola?

-What happened there anyway?

-Nothing.

It must have been something. You were together, and now you're not.

It just didn't work out, all right. One of those things.

As long as you were tactful about it.

Can we all just stop talking about Peter's love life? Please.

We could talk about my love life but it'd be a very short discussion.

Very brief.

What's your favourite TV show?

(Top Gear.)

Top Gear, probably.

What's your favourite...position?

Left back?

-Come on, you know what I mean.

-Carol! That's disgusting!

No way! I wouldn't have thought you could stretch that far.

-Are we done here?

-No, no, no! We're just getting started.

Enjoying yourself?

Just playing the part. I'm getting married in a few days.

Supposedly.

Your hen's been gone ages. What do you think she's "preparing" for?

Smell like cold feet to you?

Or maybe she's cleaning out your bank account as we speak.

Here, Alf, while you was out, we was thinking dogs.

For Phil's stag.

You're joking. Not again? Why not just keep it simple,

and, you know, try and remember what he did in his last three marriages and do the opposite!

Anyway... I'm all in.

All right. I call.

Kamikazes.

I dunno, Alf, man. You're playing like...

-Like I've got nothing to lose?

-Yeah. And on that note, I'm out.

Too rich for my blood.

Pair of tens.

You think I'm bluffing, eh?

-No way! Jacks?!

-You went all in with a pair of jacks?

-Why would you risk that?

-Did the job, didn't it? Maybe my luck is changing! I dunno.

If we was playing for money, you'd have gone home with a couple of hundred quid. You know that, innit?

Well, they're the breaks, Fats. Them's the breaks.

Listen, I've got to make a quick phone call. Check Kat's... everything's all right.

I'm not doing very well.

-Who are you calling?

-Who do you think?

-You're not thinking straight.

-Mick, I don't need a lecture from you. All right.

-I'm just looking out for you.

Well, I don't need anyone - I don't need you looking out for me!

I don't need no-one looking out for me!

OK? Cos I've lost everything. No money, no job, no pub.

No dignity. So I'm not going to lose anything else.

-I'm going to report it in before it spreads.

-Use your brain!

How are you going to report a fire you ain't "discovered"? Now, listen to me.

Listen. I would never tell you how to be a dad.

A father or a husband. You make your own choices.

But you need to take a moment and think about it,

and then do whatever you've gotta do.

Do you understand me?

Listen, sorry, fellas, I've got to call it a night. Kids are playing up, you know.

-Alfie, man. Come on, bro, just one?

-Come on!

No, no, no, I'll talk to you guys later.

PHONE BEEPS

You have one new message.

'Hey, darling, it's me.

'You're probably knee-deep in pink cocktails right now, aren't ya?

'Anyway, I hope you're having a blinding time. Thinking about you.

'And I love you, Kat. I love you.

'Bye.'

I'm going to get to that hen party. Mum might need me.

What? She's with a bunch of drunk hens, Johnny,

not a gang of marauding bouncers.

Sorry. I don't mean that.

I just mean she can handle herself, all right.

Oi, shall we not all go out properly?

Try that new club in Old Street or something?

Last time I went to a club, people kept handing me empty glasses

because they thought I was a waiter.

Dressed like that, I'm not surprised.

-Yeah, like you're an expert.

-PHONE BEEPS

Awesome. Right, you, let's go.

What? Where're we going?

Well, I've managed to get us on the guest list at this place in Dalston.

Just the two of us. Sorry.

What? We can't just leave these people in my house, can we?

It's fine. We'll let ourselves out.

Are you sure?

What're we going to do, then?

Pictionary?

CHATTING AND LAUGHER

When can you escape?

What do you like Sharon to dress up as? A French maid...

or a nurse?

You could ask her yourself. Except she ain't here!

I am here.

Ta-da!

Where've you been?

PHONE RINGS

Kat? Hi, darling, listen, I'm...

just a bit busy at the moment.

-I got your message.

-Well, yeah, yeah. About that...

No, shut up and listen.

Whatever you're doing, drop it, come and meet me straightaway.

At the Vic? Nah - I'm not sure.

No, I'm not at the party. I'm at home. On the bed.

Lonely.

What do you mean, you're at home?

Whitney was having problems with Ernie so I just...

Hold on. Something's...

I'm going to have to call you back.

No! Kat! Stay where you are!

Just stay where you are, darling! Don't move!

KAT SCREAMS

-Kat! Kat!

-I'm coming...

What the hell was that?

Phil!

There's a fire. Call 999.

-Get me a fire extinguisher and some blankets.

-Where is it?

-MUTED:

-Alfie!

-Alfie?

Alfie!

-Alfie! What's happened?

-Alfie?

-Fire.

Kat's in the fire!

You don't understand. The fire.

-Kat's in there. She's going to die. Kat!

-If you go in there, you're going to die too!

Alfie, where are the kids? Kat left the hen party. What if she took them with her?!

Oh, please, God! No, they can't, no.

No, Stace, the kids are with Whitney, go and check, please go and check! NOW! Check.

No. Alfie, no! No! Please don't go in there! Alfie!

Alfie!

Alfie!

Alfie!

Somebody help me!

-What are you doing?

-There could be people hurt.

-Alfie!

-Please! Somebody help!

-Alfie!

Alfie, he's in there! He's looking for Kat and the kids.

He's in there! Alfie!

SIREN APPROACHES

-Tamwar!

-Alfie!

No! No, no! Peter, no!

Johnny!

Stacey. Stacey, what's the matter? I heard sirens.

Is that Bert?

-Where's Ernie? Did Kat come and get him?

-Yeah, she did. But I'd already put him down.

He's asleep upstairs.

-Somebody help!

-What's happened?

What is it? Are people in there?

-What, Alfie's in there?

-Mick. Look, Johnny - Johnny...

-No, no, no, listen, Johnny's gone in, I couldn't stop him.

-What? Johnny!

-No, Mick, please don't go in there!

-Johnny! Johnny!

Johnny! What was you thinking?!

Downstairs is gutted. It's just blown to pieces.

-No-one's inside.

-What about upstairs?

Alfie went up. We couldn't pass.

No-one can.

SIRENS CONTINUE

Alfie.

Kat! Alfie! Someone help 'em!

-Alfie!

-Alfie! Kat! Someone help!

-Alfie!

I'll never let you go, Kat. I'll never let you go, Kat.

-Take her, take her!

-You've got to let her go.

I'll never let you go, Kat. I'll never let you go.

-Kat.

-Down, down.

-It's all right, it's all right, it's all right.

Alfie.

-MUTED:

-Alfie, the kids are fine. They're safe.

Alfie?

SIRENS

MUTED: She's safe now. She's all right.

She's all right.

We should make tea... hot drinks.

You know, let people know they can come here. Are you OK?

-Yeah, I'll just give Tracey a hand.

-Thank you.

-Johnny? What happened?

-He's all right. He's going to be fine.

-Don't worry.

-What do you mean, he's going to be fine?

-Why would he need to be fine? What did you do?

-I was helping.

-You helped? What do you mean?

-Nancy. You were with Tam, right? Is he OK?

-He went home. He was in a proper state.

-What were you thinking?

-What?

-They told me you ran into a burning building?!

-You idiot!

-I had to do something. There was people in there.

You could have died, Peter!

Don't you get that? I mean, I've already lost Lucy.

-It's all right. No harm done. He's all right.

-I'm sorry.

They've sealed off Dot's house, cos apparently there's structural damage or something, I dunno.

-Where is she? Where is Dot?

-No, it's all right. She's visiting my dad today.

-Well, what's she going to do? She can't stay in the house now.

-We've got enough room.

Hang on. I've got a spare bed. Charlie and Fats can take the sofa. It's fine.

-We can all pitch in.

-Thank you.

Cheers, Sharon.

How's Alfie?

Taken him to hospital. Mo and Stacey went with him.

-He's going to be fine.

-And Kat?

He got her out. She was breathing.

Reckon she's going to be OK?

I don't know. I just don't know.

ALFIE COUGHS

Kat - Kat Moon. I need... to know that...

I'll have someone find out for you.

But in the meantime I really need to sort out your hands. Look, please.

I...I need to see my wife!

KAT!

Alfie, Kat's alive. You saved her.

You're a hero, Alfie.

Mr Moon, please, I really need you to lie down. Please.

No! No, I need to see Kat. Kat! Kat!

Mr Moon, please!

Thank you.

What you did. It...it was so stupid.

And so brave.

Anyone would have done the same.

Right, come on, you. Let's get you upstairs. I'll bring this.

You're filthy.

You've got a big heart, Johnny.

Wonder where he gets that from?

Some hen party, eh?

Always something with us, ain't there? Poor Kat and Alfie.

Can't stop thinking about them.

It was an accident, Sharon. It was a fire.

Not an omen or something, is it?

Where'd you disappear to, anyway? From the party?

Linda said you was "preparing".

I was at home, I was wondering whether to pack a bag, grab Denny and just walk away.

Walk away? Why?

Because of us, Phil.

When me and you try to be together...

nothing goes right. Ever. We always find a way to ruin things.

So what stopped you? Why'd you come back?

Because I love you.

And I can't imagine losing you.

I need to take you back to cubicles.

Please, we will find your wife, I promise. Look, please.

Look at me, we will find your wife...

Please, please, please! I need to know... Stop!

No, you really can't go in there. Please.

It's OK. It's her husband.

Kat.