21/12/2015 EastEnders


21/12/2015

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# When Santa got stuck up the chimney

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# Achoo, achoo, achoo... #

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TYRES SQUEAL

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Sorry. Where's your doll?

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HORN BLASTS

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-Happy Christmas!

-Maniac!

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What's wrong with you? Have you completely lost the plot?

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Kush.

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Did you tell her?

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She ain't back from Syed's yet. So...

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Please, I'm begging you. Just don't do this.

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You can change your mind.

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We can all just get on with our lives.

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Shabs has been through so much lately.

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And Martin? This baby means everything to him.

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You think I want to do this?

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Hey! Thought I'd find you skiving in here.

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No, don't look so pleased to see me.

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-Sorry. Where's Kamil, then?

-I dropped him back at home.

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Did you have a good time?

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Yeah, yeah. Kamil had a great time with Yazmin.

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And Syed and Christian couldn't do enough for me.

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I think they were trying to take my mind off my appointment.

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Oh, your doctor's appointment.

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-Today.

-Yeah. You still all right to come?

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Yeah, course I am... Mum came up last night.

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She's looking after the stall.

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OK. I'll go say hi, then shall we go?

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Yeah, go on, then - I'll be with you in a sec. All right?

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Martin is my best mate, all right, so I know.

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But I'm sorry. I'm going to tell Shabnam after this appointment.

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And you, you have to... you have to tell Martin.

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That man has got a screw loose.

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You sure it was deliberate?

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Are you seriously asking me that question?

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You was ready to pack up and leave cos of Phil.

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Something has to be done.

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-It will.

-When?

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She means the world to me as well, you know.

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I would never let anything happen to her, I promise.

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-Well, talk to him.

-Kim, listen... it's not...

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All right, fine - if you won't sort it, I will.

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-Got enough parsnips here?

-What you talking about?

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You can eat them till they're coming out your earholes.

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I just thought I'd do your favourite tonight.

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Bit of shepherd's pie, couple of little parsnips on the side.

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You don't have to do this.

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-Is it that obvious?

-Yeah.

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Look, I'm eating fine, Mick.

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So, you know that help we talked about getting you.

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Oh, I don't need to see a doctor.

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Honestly, since we talked, I feel a lot better.

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-As long as you're sure, yeah?

-Yeah.

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I thought I'd call the celebrant later,

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see if we can pop in and talk about our vows.

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-Oh, have you checked with Lee that he's sorting your stag do?

-No.

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Turkish Delight?

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Yeah, I got them double cheap, a little bargain.

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Oh, they smell like cheap soap. No-one eats these except Shirley.

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-Why don't you give them to her?

-Nah. You're all right.

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Grotto day!

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You're like a big kid.

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I wrapped a load of empty boxes just to deck it out.

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Hope that costume still fits. Eh?

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I'll go have a chat with Lee about that stag.

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What's the matter with him?

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Shirley.

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They're just as stubborn as each other.

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Well, Jade's moving in today. Maybe that'll soften her up.

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Just wish there was something we could do

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to just bring them back together again.

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Maybe there is.

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-What?

-Hang on.

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Who you calling?

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KNOCKING

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Come in!

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Is Phil in?

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He's at work.

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Good. I want to talk to you.

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What's he done now?

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Deliberately ran over Pearl's doll.

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-Sorry?

-This morning. Driving like a lunatic.

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She dropped it, I went to pick it up and he swerved towards me.

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What if he'd lost control? It could have been Pearl.

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It was probably an accident, Kim.

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What, like the two thugs he got to beat up Vincent on our doorstep?

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-What?

-This is getting out of hand.

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But the question is, what are we going to do about it?

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-"We"?

-Yeah...

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We may not see eye to eye - but we're not that much different.

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You know, we're strong. Feisty. Heads of our families.

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So together, we can work this out.

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KIM SCREAMS LOUDLY

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It's a fake one. The real one's upstairs.

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-You're kidding me?

-No, it belongs to the school.

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-Denny's looking after it over Christmas.

-OK... Sorry.

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So Phil and Vincent...?

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Look, what do you suggest we do? Bang their heads together?

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Well, if that's what it takes...

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Look, Sharon, I know Vincent is no angel,

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and I'm not making any excuses for him, but enough's enough.

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Phil grinned at me like he didn't care.

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Let me talk to him.

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Yeah. Thanks.

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Peace offering?

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You know where you can stick it.

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Oh, come on, Don, all right?

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I can't stand this whole kind of awkward, hostile thing between us.

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Well, then you shouldn't have

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treated me like an idiot, then, should you?

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Look, I didn't mean to lead you on.

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But I do care about you.

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Don't flatter yourself.

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Don, come on. All right? Look, I'm sorry.

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OK? And I miss you and our banter.

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Yeah, well, I don't fancy you any more. You missed that boat.

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How about mates? All right? We were good mates once.

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Cakey - look at the cakey! Come on!

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Listen, I'm looking after Pearl at Vincent's later.

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Come over for dinner if you want.

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Good times, what you cooking?

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I ain't cooking. You're bringing pizza.

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-All right. It'll be the £1.99 one, though.

-So cheap.

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-Come on!

-Oh, look!

-It's Christmas.

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-There you go, Jane.

-Ta!

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Are you sure you're OK?

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Yeah, yeah. It's just a...just a twinge.

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Morning. A cup of tea and a bacon sarnie, please.

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-Here, I'll get that.

-Oh, no, it's all right, Mum...

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I can buy my son breakfast, can't I?

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All right, thanks.

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You two seem to be getting on better.

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It'd be nice to spend some time with him over Christmas.

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Oh - why don't we all have Christmas dinner together?

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The Beales and the Mitchells?

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Well, think of it more as you, Ben and Ian being together.

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It would make Ian's day as well.

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It's a bit last-minute though, ain't it?

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-Just got the turkey and everything...

-We'll manage.

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Shall I ask him?

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Well, must be the best Christmas ever, having your mum back again.

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Yeah.

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Would you and Abi be up for coming to ours for Christmas dinner?

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Oh, cheers, Jane, but I can't really bail on Dad.

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-Well, you're all welcome.

-All of us?

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Yeah. I mean, it would mean a lot to your mum.

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And come on, Ian does the best roast potatoes, doesn't he?

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It'll be nice - all the family together.

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Yeah. Well, yeah, I could ask Dad, I suppose... Yeah.

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You all right?

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I just had a visit from Kim.

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I bet she weren't delivering Christmas cards.

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-What do you think you're playing at?

-Oh, lighten up, Sharon, will ya?

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-He's not worth it, Phil.

-Listen, he'll be out on his ear soon.

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And the Albert will be ours again.

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Except the Albert was never ours. It was mine.

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Until you gave half away to Vincent behind my back.

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Everyone makes mistakes.

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Is that all? Cos I'm busy.

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What are you trying to prove, Phil?

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That you're still the all-powerful Phil Mitchell?

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You think people don't respect you any more? Is that it?

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-Now you're being stupid, all right...

-Am I?

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Then let it go with Vincent.

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Phil!

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It ends when I say so. All right? When I say.

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Fine. Have it your way.

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DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

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I'm sorry to hear you lost your baby in August.

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We didn't lose him. He was stillborn.

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-Sorry. Sorry.

-I know this must be difficult,

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but I have to ask - any complications with the delivery?

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Yeah, there was...there was some difficulty delivering the placenta.

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Why? Could that be linked to the missed periods?

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Shabnam's doctor said it could be something simple,

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like a hormone imbalance.

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Missed periods are very common and often don't signal anything serious.

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I did read that, you know, but it's better coming from you.

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We just want to make sure everything's OK.

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For when we're ready to have another baby.

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I'd like to do an ultrasound.

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-Why?

-Nothing to worry about.

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I just want to make sure the shape and size

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of the womb look normal.

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When?

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Today, if that's OK?

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There you go.

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Thank you.

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This is it. The start of an exciting new life.

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I'm really glad you're here.

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-I'll text you.

-OK.

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-Have a nice Christmas, everyone.

-You too!

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I'll be in touch.

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We'll celebrate with a hot chocolate, shall we?

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OK, see you later. Bye.

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Bye.

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Listen, I've got to go to work.

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But I'll see you later on. Yeah? Yeah?

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-See you, guys.

-Bye.

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You won't believe it. The agency Santa's gone down with flu.

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-You're joking!

-Teen's trying to find a last-minute replacement.

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-Can't they just send someone else?

-They're fully booked.

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If it comes to it, you'll have to do it.

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Leave off!

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I'm off to get Lady Di, take her for a walk.

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-Seems like it's working fine to me.

-Funny. It wasn't this morning.

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Come on, really?

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KEYS JANGLE

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No-one's going anywhere till we got this sorted.

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I'm being silly, aren't I? Nothing bad's going to happen...

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OK, This will feel a bit cold on your tummy.

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All right. You got ten seconds

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to tell me why you're a spineless grass.

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Well? What, half the Albert - that weren't enough for you, no?

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-Oh, it goes way deeper than that...

-I don't care who did what or why.

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-Yeah.

-You know what? Let's go.

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No, look, we're not standing for it.

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Oh, I'm scared.

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All right, he made a bad call, working with the police.

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But he's sorry. Aren't you?

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-He gets what he deserves.

-Is that right?

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Yeah. Sending your boys round to rough me up.

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-I mean, what are you? A coward?

-Why don't I show you...

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-No, enough.

-Phil! No.

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Sharon, get out of my way.

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-You best come at me harder this time cos me ready for you.

-Stop it!

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Come on! Seriously? Is this what it's come down to?

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You got some front, ain't you?

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You're hardly innocent in any of this, are you?

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But I know where to draw the line.

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We both know Vincent's a scumbag. I'm not exactly a fan either.

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-Scumbag? What are you talking about?

-This isn't about him, is it?

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Why don't you just shut your mouth, eh?

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Phil. This ain't you.

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You gotta leave this behind you before someone gets hurt.

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-Is that what you want?

-I'll tell you what I want.

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I want to get out of here. That's what I want.

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Please, please can we just end it?

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Just do it for your families.

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Shirl...

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Thanks.

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What do you want?

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I know you're fond of Lady Di,

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-So I wondered if you'd look after her till Christmas Day?

-Why?

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She keeps trying to eat Goosey Lucy.

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-Goosey who?

-Mick's new love.

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We're having goose for Christmas dinner

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but Mick's treating it more like a new pet.

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Anyway, like I said, Lady Di won't leave her alone...

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I'm not paying for her dog food.

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Appreciate it.

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-Actually, I forgot her bowl. She could do with a drink.

-OK.

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Come on, darling - come on then, come and have a drink.

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-So...you excited about Christmas?

-Yeah...

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Guess what? Santa's going to be over at the Vic later.

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I'm almost seven. A bit old for Santa.

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Well, he's going to be giving out goodie bags.

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And you don't want to miss out.

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Probably something naff like a key ring or a colouring book.

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OK, fine.

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I need you to do something for me

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and I'll make it worth your while if you do.

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Would you like to earn some pocket money?

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Yeah.

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Look what I found... Ta-da!

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Any luck?

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No. We're stuffed. Unless...

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-Where's Lee?

-Well, he can't do it. He's an elf.

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Still smells of Dad.

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What, of whisky and snout? Cheers.

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"Ho-ho-ho... I'm a misog and I hate kids."

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He was the worst Santa ever.

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He was, weren't he?

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-See, there you go...it suits you.

-Oh, turn it in.

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Seriously, Mick, if me and Lee can make idiots of ourselves...

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-But Teen, you're both so good at it.

-Go on. We'll have a laugh.

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-Nah...

-Look, at least try it on.

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-Nah, Tina. No.

-Come on.

-Nah...

-just try it on, Mick.

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-I've gotta sort that out...

-Just try it on, come on.

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Well, I have to say, I am proud of you.

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-Proud of what?

-Well, all this stuff with the Mitchells.

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It's all sorted out now.

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-Thanks to yours truly.

-You what?

-Yeah. All but shook on it.

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Doesn't family mean anything to you?

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You know it does.

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What about his family right here?

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Listen, Claudette, just save it, all right?

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It's all sorted.

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Saw Mum earlier.

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Be nice to spend some time with her over Christmas.

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It's gotta be weird, ain't it -

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spending it here after all that time.

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What's wrong?

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I come back here to get some peace.

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Dad, I just thought it would be nice

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for us all to spend Christmas together.

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-Oh, you thought, did you? You thought that?

-Yeah.

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You know, where's your loyalty, eh?

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Sometimes I think my entire family

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has forgotten the meaning of the word.

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Sorry I'm such a disappointment.

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Yeah, well, that's exactly what you are. A lifetime of let-downs.

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You can't stop me from seeing her, you know.

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In fact, do you know what? Me and Abi, yeah?

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We're going to spend Christmas at Ian's.

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I couldn't give a stuff what you do.

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How's that for another let-down?

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That's perfect. Cos you know what?

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I've done with the lot of you. You hear me?

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The lot of ya!

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DOOR SLAMS

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Jane, do you fancy lunch and a cheeky glass of wine?

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-I need it, the day I'm having.

-Yeah, sounds good.

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-JANE CRIES OUT

-You all right?

-Sorry! You all right?

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Is this from falling down the stairs?

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-Jane, why haven't you had it looked at?

-I have. It's fine.

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Well, look at the state of you. Look, let me take you to hospital.

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-There's no need.

-I'm not going to take no for an answer.

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I've had enough of people being pig-headed today.

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Yeah. All right. I need to let Marie know.

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-I'll do it. I'll do it. Give me that.

-Thanks.

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-Sorry to keep you waiting.

-So is everything OK?

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The scan has shown a couple of small abnormalities in your uterus lining.

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So I'd like to book you in for a hysteroscopy after Christmas.

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It's a low-risk procedure,

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where we pass a thin camera through the cervix into the womb

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to make sure the shape and the lining look normal.

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What do you mean by abnormalities?

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I'll be looking for abnormal tissue growth and scarring.

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-Ah...so there's a problem?

-Not necessarily.

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But there has to be something

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-that you're not telling me.

-Shabs, Shabs...

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Well, why else would I need this hysteroscopy?

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So we can rule things out as much as anything.

0:17:270:17:30

It's nothing but exploratory at this stage. Try not to worry.

0:17:300:17:33

Easy!

0:17:400:17:41

Give us a bottle of that whisky, will ya?

0:17:410:17:43

-Sorry, Phil.

-What?

0:17:430:17:46

I can't serve you booze. Sharon's asked me not to.

0:17:460:17:49

She ain't my mother.

0:17:490:17:51

Well, the answer's still no.

0:17:510:17:52

Well, how about I smash the gaff up and help myself to what I want?

0:17:520:17:55

-How would you like that, eh?

-Come on, man, that ain't...

-Shut up!

0:17:550:17:58

-What do you think you're doing?

-Leave it, Phil!

0:17:580:18:00

Right, that's it. You know what? I'm calling the police.

0:18:000:18:03

-No, don't do that.

-You saw what he did.

-He's not himself.

0:18:030:18:05

Denise, please just let this one slide. For me, yeah?

0:18:070:18:10

-Look, no-one's looking.

-No.

0:18:130:18:15

Oh, give up.

0:18:150:18:16

Stop it, you weirdo.

0:18:160:18:17

You wouldn't have me any other way, would you?

0:18:180:18:21

How'd it go?

0:18:210:18:23

Oh - we're none the wiser.

0:18:230:18:24

Yeah, they need to do a few more tests.

0:18:240:18:26

That has to be a good thing.

0:18:260:18:27

Is, er, is everything else all right?

0:18:270:18:29

Yeah. We're just on our way home.

0:18:290:18:32

Well, I'm, I'm due a break if you fancy a cuppa?

0:18:320:18:34

Actually, I want to make you a bit of lunch,

0:18:340:18:36

spend a bit of time with you.

0:18:360:18:37

Aww... Miss me that much while I was gone?

0:18:370:18:39

Um... I'll catch you later instead?

0:18:390:18:42

Problem?

0:18:570:18:58

What are you doing, Phil?

0:18:580:19:00

Nothing.

0:19:030:19:05

Just enjoying Christmas.

0:19:050:19:07

No, you ain't.

0:19:070:19:09

Ben's on about spending Christmas with Kathy.

0:19:120:19:15

She's his mum.

0:19:160:19:18

After everything she's done? She ain't any good for him.

0:19:180:19:21

It's nothing to do with you.

0:19:220:19:24

She'll make him soft and weak - like he was before.

0:19:240:19:26

What's this really about, Phil?

0:19:280:19:32

I know you. Something's got under your skin.

0:19:320:19:34

Whatever it is, just let it go. It doesn't matter anyway.

0:19:370:19:40

PHIL CHOKES

0:19:420:19:43

All right, I've grown up a bit. So what?

0:19:430:19:45

So now you've turned into Mother Teresa, have you?

0:19:450:19:48

Nah, I wouldn't go that far.

0:19:480:19:49

Jade moved in today. Our granddaughter.

0:19:530:19:56

Well, I'm glad things worked out for you.

0:19:590:20:01

Oh, come on, it's not that bad.

0:20:010:20:03

I know menopausal Barbie can be a pain in the neck

0:20:030:20:06

but you still got Ben.

0:20:060:20:07

You can't let go of that. Kids are the most important thing.

0:20:070:20:11

Sort yourself out, Phil. Before it's too late.

0:20:130:20:16

But have a shower first, cos you stink.

0:20:160:20:19

-Oi, hands off.

-Where's the big present?

0:20:290:20:32

Who says there is one?

0:20:320:20:33

You all right, love? How'd it go at the hospital?

0:20:350:20:37

I've, um... I've broken a rib.

0:20:370:20:39

Why did you keep it quiet?

0:20:390:20:41

Well, cos I didn't want any fuss.

0:20:410:20:43

I'm sorry, Mum.

0:20:430:20:45

What are YOU sorry for?

0:20:450:20:46

Um, well, when I fell...

0:20:520:20:54

he thought he should have called an ambulance.

0:20:540:20:56

Well, you know, it gets me out of cooking Christmas dinner.

0:20:560:20:59

Which reminds me, Sharon, I spoke to Ben.

0:20:590:21:01

And he was going to ask Phil whether you lot fancied joining us.

0:21:010:21:04

For Christmas dinner?

0:21:040:21:06

Yeah, why not?

0:21:060:21:08

Sharon, look - no disrespect, but the last time the Beales

0:21:080:21:11

and the Mitchells got together for Christmas, it was a disaster.

0:21:110:21:14

Phil kicked off. Then he threatened me out on the Square.

0:21:140:21:16

-Oh, it can't have been that bad, Ian.

-You can count us in.

0:21:160:21:19

The way Phil's been behaving lately, I could do with the support.

0:21:190:21:22

-He'll never agree to it.

-Oh, he will, or he'll eat alone.

0:21:220:21:25

Oh, great. We can all look forward to another epic disaster.

0:21:250:21:28

Not winding up, but this crying, crying, crying, I can't take it.

0:21:290:21:33

KIM AND VINCENT CARRY ON CHATTING

0:21:330:21:35

Vincent sent me.

0:21:590:22:01

Said I had to pick up some paperwork for the Albert.

0:22:010:22:04

Oh. Oh. OK. We'll he's... he's just left, I'm surprised you didn't...

0:22:040:22:07

Yeah, yeah, I just spoke to him.

0:22:070:22:09

You going to let me in or what?

0:22:090:22:11

Look, Phil, why don't I get Donna to have a look for whatever...

0:22:120:22:15

Listen, you got a problem, take it up with Vincent.

0:22:150:22:18

I ain't got all day.

0:22:180:22:19

-It's an improvement.

-Cheers, mate(!)

0:22:250:22:27

Do you really want him finding out from someone else?

0:22:290:22:32

Do the right thing.

0:22:320:22:34

-But what if Kush changes his mind?

-He won't.

0:22:340:22:37

He's stubborn, just like his dad.

0:22:370:22:39

Shabs.

0:22:450:22:46

Yeah? I thought you were making lunch.

0:22:460:22:49

Come, sit down.

0:22:490:22:51

Why?

0:22:510:22:53

I want to talk to you.

0:22:530:22:55

What about?

0:22:550:22:57

Will you come and sit down, please?

0:22:570:22:59

Er...I don't know how to say what I'm about to say...

0:23:060:23:09

You know I love you more than anything and that's,

0:23:140:23:17

that's never going to change.

0:23:170:23:19

It's OK. I know what you're going to say.

0:23:210:23:25

I've been thinking about bringing it up for a while now...

0:23:250:23:29

But I stupidly kept putting it out of my head -

0:23:320:23:34

pretending that we might be OK.

0:23:340:23:36

-But if I'm honest, I know we won't.

-So what, what are you saying?

0:23:360:23:39

Come on, Kush, your face at the clinic. It's obvious...

0:23:390:23:43

-No, no, wait...

-Let's not pretend.

0:23:430:23:46

"Abnormalities" - doesn't sound...

0:23:460:23:51

good, does it?

0:23:510:23:54

I messed up with Zaair... I am broken.

0:24:000:24:05

My body isn't up to it any more.

0:24:080:24:10

Zaair dying was not your fault.

0:24:100:24:14

But what if I can't give you the one thing

0:24:140:24:16

that you want most in this world, Kush?

0:24:160:24:18

-I'm not going to put you through that again.

-Hey, hey...

0:24:200:24:24

No, no. I love you with all my heart,

0:24:240:24:27

but I want you to be happy.

0:24:270:24:29

And you deserve a family.

0:24:290:24:31

-And I'm not going to hold you back.

-No, stop it.

-Which is why I think...

0:24:310:24:33

-Stop it! No, you stop it!

-It's best for everyone...

-No, shush!

0:24:330:24:36

-Listen! ..if we just call it a day.

-No, stop...shush! Listen.

0:24:360:24:39

-It's all right, it is all right!

-Hey! Hey, listen! You are absolutely everything to me.

0:24:390:24:43

OK? I never want to be without you.

0:24:430:24:46

Come here... Come here, please.

0:24:460:24:49

Come here...

0:24:490:24:51

We are in this together.

0:24:550:24:57

Yeah?

0:24:590:25:00

OK?

0:25:010:25:03

OK.

0:25:030:25:05

Mrs Kazemi.

0:25:060:25:09

I'd better get back to the stall.

0:25:150:25:18

Can't... Can't you just stay a little bit longer?

0:25:180:25:21

Yeah... Yeah, OK.

0:25:230:25:25

Enjoy.

0:25:390:25:41

Martin? Can you, um...

0:25:410:25:44

can you get someone to cover your stall?

0:25:440:25:46

-I need to tell you something.

-Well, can't it wait?

-No.

0:25:460:25:49

Well, what is it, Stace?

0:25:490:25:50

Not here.

0:25:500:25:52

Shrimpy! Just cover my stall for five minutes, mate?

0:25:520:25:55

-Yeah.

-Cheers, mate.

-It's all right.

0:25:550:25:58

Are you stupid or something? Why did you let him in?

0:26:000:26:03

-Look, he said that Vincent sent him...

-And why is he upstairs?

0:26:030:26:07

-Er...toilet?

-What, he didn't want to use the downstairs one?

0:26:070:26:10

-DOOR CLICKS

-What was that?

0:26:100:26:13

DOOR CLOSES

0:26:170:26:18

To a job well done.

0:26:190:26:21

Sharon and I sorted out what you boys couldn't.

0:26:230:26:25

-That's nice!

-PHONE RINGS

0:26:290:26:31

We can all look forward to the staff Christmas party now it's over.

0:26:310:26:34

-Sorry, babe...

-It's OK.

0:26:340:26:36

Whoa, whoa, whoa. All right, speak slower.

0:26:360:26:39

It's Pearl.

0:26:400:26:41

Pearl?!

0:26:420:26:44

Phil's taken Pearl.

0:26:440:26:46

What?!

0:26:460:26:47

All right...

0:26:520:26:54

What do you reckon?

0:26:540:26:55

-Fits like a glove.

-Ahh...got a Derby on me, look.

0:26:560:26:59

Oooooh. You been a good girl this year? Yeah?

0:27:010:27:04

So you're going to do it, then?

0:27:040:27:06

I don't want to let the kids down, you know me. Where's Lee?

0:27:060:27:09

-Said he was going to be an elf.

-Yeah, he just text. He's on his way.

0:27:090:27:13

OK. All right, then. Let's do this, eh?

0:27:130:27:16

Come on, then!

0:27:160:27:18

It's going to be easier than I thought. He loves it.

0:27:190:27:22

Fingers crossed Jade does her bit.

0:27:220:27:24

How the hell did he get in here?

0:27:250:27:27

I'm sorry, All right?

0:27:270:27:28

He said you sent him, Vincent.

0:27:280:27:30

-If he hurts her...

-He's not getting his phone.

0:27:300:27:32

-I should never have listened to you.

-KEYPAD BEEPS

0:27:320:27:35

-Me?!

-Stupid to trust a Mitchell.

0:27:350:27:36

We need to call the police.

0:27:360:27:38

No! No police.

0:27:380:27:40

This ends - now.

0:27:430:27:45

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