22/12/2015 EastEnders

Phil Mitchell...pays!

-Don't be stupid!

-Vincent!

-What has he done with my baby?!

-I don't know!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Don't worry, I'll get you some water, all right? Or I could call Denise?

Call Denise? Take out an advert, why don't you? We don't want the police hanging around.

It's answerphone. Mum, this is...this is Donna,

you need to call Vincent.

-He's in trouble!

-Oh, Sharon! Sharon, pick up!

No, Phil's not here.

Ronnie! Ronnie, calm down.

-SHARON SCOFFS

-But there's no baby here.

Well, Donna must have got it wrong.

Listen to me, lock the door.

Do you hear me? Lock the door!

Sharon?!

You're feeling hormonal?

-You want to have one of them relationship chats?

-No.

Your mum is coming back from her cruise early,

-given her ticket to a refugee?

-Martin.

She's not coming back here, is she? Don't get me wrong, I like her, you know I like her, it's just...

Bit like, Who Do You Think You Are? last week, weren't it?

You know? And...I think one Christmas a year's probably enough.

Just stop, Martin.

-Ooh!

-Ooh! Oh, what?

-Ooh!

-What?

-What?!

Well, when you said "important," I didn't think you meant...

-Right, I tell you what, hospital bag. Have you packed the hospital bag?

-No!

-OK, stay there, I'll do it. Don't panic. Erm...

-No. Martin!

-I'll do it.

You just...don't panic. Don't panic.

Darling, breathe out. Did Shabs take it really badly?

-I didn't do it, Mum. I couldn't tell her. Where's Stacey?

-She's doing what you said.

Stacey's telling Martin the truth about your baby.

Martin, I ain't in labour.

I ain't in labour!

It's just...it's just uncomfortable.

It's...it's probably just Braxton Hicks.

Oh, God!

Oh, heart's going.

Sorry, I...was not prepared.

You know, I...I dreamed he was early.

It was, er, proper...like thick snow,

and I'm rushing around trying to find my keys.

And then we're on the M1 and Jeremy Corbyn's in the back

banging on about Trident or something.

-You ought to stop drinking.

-Yeah.

-Martin...

-You...

You are, like, the most precious thing in my life.

Do you know that?

And Bex, obviously.

You, Lily...

..and Bruiser, here.

Keeping you lot safe, right? Getting it right. And I will.

So, I'm going to be there through the whole birth, everything.

The blood, the works.

You don't even have to worry. Whatever, you say it and I'll do it.

I'll sort it, Stace.

I will make it right.

Cos...

..if it wasn't for you lot...

..I just don't think it would be worth living.

We're so lucky.

I'll put the kettle on.

PHONE RINGS

BUZZER

-BUZZER

-I'll get it!

-SANTA:

-Ho, ho, ho!

APPLAUSE

Let's leave it, eh?

-I thought you weren't that bothered?

-Yeah, but I'm a kid.

Grandad says you have to give Santa a list,

or you don't get any presents.

-How about we go and have a cake instead?

-Then we can see Santa?

I couldn't tell her. I couldn't.

-What? This...this was your idea!

-Stace...

-I was that close!

All right, listen, listen. I was trying to find you. I got away as soon as I could, OK?

-She's...she's really fragile.

-Yeah, I know that! You were still going to drag her off.

-You were still going to tell her.

-Yes, you were right and I changed my mind, OK?

She...she can't take any more bad news.

Oh, you should have said.

I tell you what, I'll make it easy for you, you just text me next time you want to change your mind.

Next time you decide you want to throw my whole life over the edge.

Days I have been gearing myself up to tell him and you just bottle it?!

-Listen, Stacey...

-No, I tell you what, Kush, I never had you down as a game player.

-What?!

Does it work for you, does it, the fact that we had sex?

-Oh, come on. No.

-Once! One stupid mistake!

How long...how long are you going to make me pay for it?

It's not just about you and your guilty conscience.

Believe me, everything would be perfect if you weren't the dad, but you are.

Do you know how hard it is?

How hard it is trying to keep everything together when you're due to drop any minute?

When I'm not taking my medication and I'm lying to a good, decent bloke?

-The best bloke that either of us know.

-I'm sorry.

-SHE SIGHS What...?

-Whatever.

I'm sorry. Stace. Stacey!

Listen, Stacey, I am sorry!

Sorry for what?

You're boring me right now. GUN COCKS

Speak.

Get your gun out my face!

-Speak!

-Look, I told you, I don't know!

Do I look like the kind of mum who approves of taking a baby hostage?

Well, do I?!

-RONNIE:

-Sharon?

-Are they here?

-No!

Vincent, what are you doing?!

-Look, they're not at The Arches.

-What's he done with her?!

Or...we could get some sweets,

go home and see what's on telly?

Too much sugar.

Just cos I've got CF, don't mean I can't get diabetic an' all, Nan.

SHIRL CHUCKLES

How about we try and get you a little part in the Nativity?

I know they're rehearsing, cos they're always rehearsing.

-You could meet some new mates.

-OK.

Then we can see Santa.

Old lags like Phil Mitchell do not get forced to do nothing!

Big mistake! Any fool could see that this was coming!

But I tell you something, I tell you something,

he hurts one hair, one on Pearl's head, you are responsible.

Vincent! Vincent, do you really think that that's likely?

Well, we don't know, Ronnie, because he's a raving alcoholic kidnapper!

-I mean, what is it with you Mitchells?!

-Excuse me!

Whose husband's smashing the place up and waving a gun around?

-We need to call the police.

-You'd best remember that.

-And you stop threatening me!

-Just everybody get a grip!

Vincent, can you not see he's playing you?

-What, you think he's got that much control?

-Yes, Kim, I do!

Because look at you! And what if someone saw Vincent coming round here with a gun?

Vincent, what if someone reports you to the police?

I mean, seriously, do you want Vincent to be inside for Pearl's first Christmas? Do you?

No.

He's setting you up, Vincent.

Phil would never hurt a baby.

He just wouldn't. Wherever Pearl is, she is safe.

I guarantee it.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

PHIL CHUCKLES

-Excellent.

-Where is she?

The...Christmas drinks come early, have they?

PHIL CHUCKLES I tell you what...

..I don't mind if I do.

I said, where is she?!

It'll be all right, you know?

The odds are stacked in your favour.

I know you've had a run of bad luck, but it can't last for ever.

I'm telling you, even your mother would put money on you.

And you know what she's like, "Shabnam, gambling, it is a sin."

It's all right, Dad, I'm fine.

-I'm lucky, there's plenty worse off in the world right now, so...

-Hmm.

I think Kush has had enough.

It's all right, I don't blame him.

I...I have had enough of me.

Worrying, and hospitals, and doctors trying to break it to me gently.

-I feel like a freak.

-Kush loves you.

Yeah. Yeah, he said that he'll stand by me...for ever.

Whatever, it's just all the right words,

the minute he got the chance, he was out the door, Dad.

It's not his fault, who wants half a woman for a wife?

Oh, come on. I mean, you don't even know anything yet.

I don't want to be "stood by"!

He doesn't mean it.

You've just got to look into his eyes. Kush is just being kind because he has to...and duty.

And...I think back and I think, actually,

something hasn't been right for months and months, Dad.

-I think you're being paranoid.

-Yeah?

Did he tell you that?

Cos I think he would rather be anywhere else than talking to me.

KUSH: All they said was, you know, they'd found some abnormalities.

Cheers. No, thanks. I was just...

I was just saying to Stace,

this hysteroscopy test is supposed to show up what those abnormalities are.

But, erm...

I shouldn't have landed all that on you.

You don't need the stress, do ya?

-I am sorry.

-Behave, mate.

You can talk to us whenever you want, can't he?

Yeah.

So does... Could this mean that Shabs can't have any more kids?

Yeah, it could.

Ten...

..nine...

You got a death wish or something?

-Phil!

-..eight...

-seven...

-That's enough, Vincent.

-..six...

-Do it!

-..five...

-He's not the only one who can play games, is he?

-..four...

-Who's got control now, big man?

..three...

..two...

One.

Shoot me.

You heard him, everybody, yeah?

-You heard him ask for it!

-And you,

you will never find out what happened to your little girl.

PHIL LAUGHS SOFTLY

-Bang!

-That is enough! Enough!

-That's not your choice, woman!

-All right?

-What?

-You do not decide!

It's not your choice! You don't decide! You, you and you do not decide! It's down to me, I decide!

-Now, am I getting through to ya?! Eh? I can't hear ya?

-I'm not saying one word to you, you arrogant pig!

-Oh, and there's a blessing.

-Look, I just want my baby!

-LIQUID POURS

-You're drunk!

Now, I will...tell you where Pearl is...

..if you ask me nicely.

Please!

Please, Phil!

She...she needs me!

Beg...grass!

I've told you before, there is no more room at the inn, Shirley!

Besides, we haven't got a spare recorder.

Stars, you've got to twinkle like Janet. That's it.

Lovely! Lovely, lovely, lovely!

-Kamil, finger out your nose.

-Give her a part in the play.

This story is rather set in stone, Shirley.

I mean, it's not like there are four wise men, or a lobster,

or Father Christmas, or any of that wishy-washy happy holiday gubbins.

I might not entirely agree with Dot Jesus-wise,

but this show...this show is something we should be proud of.

I mean, it is our cultural heritage, our British tradition, Shirley!

Well, what about...democracy,

-freedom of speech, equal opportunities?

-Oh!

All right, non-speaking sheep.

But she's going to need a coat made of some old carpet or something.

And when you put your head in that manger,

I need to believe that you are really eating that straw.

No, ta, I get hay fever.

Now can we go and see Santa?

Yeah, let's go and see Santa!

He's at the Vic and he's got lots of presents! KIDS SCREAM EXCITEDLY

Children! No, no, no! Children!

Back, back, back, everyone!

Goodness me!

Lily, please, face this way. Thank you. Kamil, finger out your nose.

LAUGHTER

Right. One more time from the Immaculate Conception.

Ready? And...

It's very cold this time of year,

especially if you're outside.

-Vincent...

-When this is over, you tell him I'm leaving.

Again? PHIL LAUGHS

Tell her not to slam the door on the way out, will ya?

Vincent...look, he's not going to remember half of this tomorrow,

so just...just do what he wants.

Please, babe.

Very cold...and very dark.

Cos I can't stand this!

Tiny...little baby.

Argh!

PHIL GROANS

Is this what your dad did, is it? Is it, bully boy?

Practised on you, little kid,

-giving you lessons before he murdered innocent people?

-What?!

-I can't breathe!

-Uncle Eric never murdered anyone.

-Eric Mitchell killed my dad!

-What?!

-It's a long time coming, Phil Mitchell.

-PHIL GROANS

-Stop it! He can't breathe!

Hello? GUNSHOT

SCREAMING

Mary is the heart, the centre of our show.

Mother to God!

And that...that is quite a big part.

I need you to shine.

I want you to think, erm...

think holy thoughts.

-And breathe.

-JANET INHALES DEEPLY

And project, and let us hear every word loud and clear

at the back of the hall!

Stars, follow Janet.

Very good!

Lovely!

And...

TWINKLE, TWINKLE, LITTLE STAR PLAYS

In your own time.

Lily...you're going to have to open your mouth, darling.

-Where have you been?

-They cornered me, didn't they?

I got away as soon as I could. I don't want you to have to answer all the questions.

Not today, babe.

Lily, darling, you're going to have to open your mouth, yeah,

so that we can hear all your words.

Ready?

Lily, I've put my trust in you, dear.

You know, my faith, my belief, not unlike God.

So, you must please open your mouth.

Come on, then, like we practised.

Go!

Oh, dear, oh, dear!

Lil...come here. Come here.

It's OK to be scared, yeah?

Just... You just focus on me.

Remember what we practised at home, yeah? But I'm...I'm Joseph, OK?

-So... Oh, Joseph, I am sorry.

-Oh, Joseph...

-Say it to the room.

-Oh, Joseph, I am sorry,

but...but you ain't the father of my baby,

cos I have had a visit off an angel.

Now, please get us a donkey...

A donkey...so we can go to Bethlehem

where I'll have pain relief...nurses and pain relief.

-Fabulous!

-Whoo!

-Well done, girl.

-APPLAUSE

Finally!

And...

ALL: # Little donkey, little donkey

# On a dusty road

# Got to keep on plodding on

# With the precious load. #

Good boy.

There you go, poppet. Merry Christmas!

Cheers. Bye-bye.

-All right, Shirl?

-As if by magic.

-Shirl.

-Lee.

-That's what Mick's going to look like tomorrow

-when he has to kill that goose.

-These tights are proper rubbing.

-Oh, yeah.

-It's on the house for family.

-No, thanks.

Whoa! Wicked! Do you know him?

Allow me to introduce to you,

the wonderful Mr Father Christmas. Here we go.

-I'm Jade.

-I know.

-Charmed.

-I can't wait.

Though I ain't sitting on your lap. I've got a care order.

But I...weren't a kid though...

..and that's where I got the advantage.

-I weren't a kid.

-You said that.

I remember Henry Hubbard...

your old man.

-He was a loser.

-It takes one to know one, don't it, darling? Hmm?

-What?

Do something about him, Jay, or I am going to crack him.

-No chance. I want to see you crack him.

-Is it true about my grandad?

You want the truth? You want the truth?

That's what he said.

The truth is, Henry Hubbard would not have stood still long enough

for my old man to have done him in.

It's a lie. You've been sold a dummy, Vinnie-boy,

and you've done all this on the back of it, hmm?

You grassed up your mates. You turned into a grass...

..all for no reason.

Nah, Henry Hubbard...your old man done a runner.

It's as simple as that. And whatever you've been told...

he was weak.

-PHIL: Weak.

-What's happened?

Yeah, all right, but where's my baby?

That must be hard for you to understand that, eh, Phil?

You know, a man of his stature. Eh, Sharon?

I mean, you have proved your point big time tonight.

-Everyone listening, that's how it should be, in't it?

-Too right.

And look at him, look!

He ain't said one word.

If you want your kid back, I'd keep it like that.

You own the room, mate.

You own him!

And you ain't a bad man, are you?

So where's Pearl?

I ain't a bad man.

Hmm.

Right under your nose. Hmm.

PHONE RINGS

LAUGHTER

CHATTER

Well done, mate. You were very good tonight.

LAUGHTER

Kush told me.

It's all right, I don't mind.

Well, I do, but if Kush is going to talk to anyone

about...about my private, intimate medical details,

then it might as well be you.

I'm really grateful for your concern and Martin's,

-but can you just do me a favour, please?

-Yeah, of course.

-Back off.

-What?!

-Well, haven't you got enough to be occupied with?

Really? Christmas, your daughter, the baby coming,

your man, a really, really decent man standing by you,

whether...whether or not you actually deserve him.

Because it is...it is debatable, isn't it?

Considering you're lying to him.

-You won't even tell me who the father is.

-Shabnam, Kush was stressed, he came to us.

That's not right, is it? Sharing every single detail like that?

It's not healthy and it's gotten way too much. It's like being back at school,

every time I come out of the Minute Mart, there you are,

the three of you, just whispering about something or other.

How can Kush and I have an adult relationship when it's always four ways?

Whatever is happening between you two,

-it ain't mine and Martin's fault.

-Yeah, it's none of your business,

-so just give us some privacy, please.

-All right, pleasure.

Apart from the quad bike and the unicorn, I've got everything I want now.

-All I used to wish for was a family.

-And now they've found ya,

I'm sure they're never going to let you go, darling. All right?

Yeah. I don't touch strange men.

Very wise.

Very wise.

Jade.

Good girl.

It's not as good as last year.

Couldn't you afford new costumes?

Last year, Stan got hammered in that grotto, snogged Cora

and made so many kids cry we had to shut up shop.

Yeah, I know. That's what I call a proper Christmas.

THEY LAUGH

I'm wearing her down.

-MICK:

-Have you been a good boy?

I don't think you have, I think you've been a bit naughty.

-Can I help ya?

-No, thanks, love.

-Is she all right?!

-Of course she's all right.

-Let me check she's all right.

-Well, excuse me, I may not be childminder registered,

but I do have two children of my own, one being unique and special needs.

-So a thank you wouldn't go amiss.

-Kim, I'm so sorry.

Look, it just got out of hand.

Well, look, there were faults on both sides though, weren't there?

Sharon, come on.

Lesson learnt, Vincent, eh?

You know, there's a load of people out there

who wouldn't be very happy to find out you're the grass that saw 'em banged up.

Hmm?

Lesson learnt.

Like father...like son.

PHIL CHUCKLES Come on, boys.

Right, if you're done, I'd like to lock up.

PHIL: Oi!

PHIL LAUGHS Come on.

ALL LAUGH

How did you get it so wrong?!

Don't worry, I'm on it.

This time tomorrow...

..Phil Mitchell is a dead man.