21/12/2015 EastEnders

# When Santa got stuck up the chimney

# Achoo, achoo, achoo... #

TYRES SQUEAL

Sorry. Where's your doll?

HORN BLASTS

-Happy Christmas!

-Maniac!

What's wrong with you? Have you completely lost the plot?

Kush.

Did you tell her?

She ain't back from Syed's yet. So...

Please, I'm begging you. Just don't do this.

You can change your mind.

We can all just get on with our lives.

Shabs has been through so much lately.

And Martin? This baby means everything to him.

You think I want to do this?

Hey! Thought I'd find you skiving in here.

No, don't look so pleased to see me.

-Sorry. Where's Kamil, then?

-I dropped him back at home.

Did you have a good time?

Yeah, yeah. Kamil had a great time with Yazmin.

And Syed and Christian couldn't do enough for me.

I think they were trying to take my mind off my appointment.

Oh, your doctor's appointment.

-Today.

-Yeah. You still all right to come?

Yeah, course I am... Mum came up last night.

She's looking after the stall.

OK. I'll go say hi, then shall we go?

Yeah, go on, then - I'll be with you in a sec. All right?

Martin is my best mate, all right, so I know.

But I'm sorry. I'm going to tell Shabnam after this appointment.

And you, you have to... you have to tell Martin.

That man has got a screw loose.

You sure it was deliberate?

Are you seriously asking me that question?

You was ready to pack up and leave cos of Phil.

Something has to be done.

-It will.

-When?

She means the world to me as well, you know.

I would never let anything happen to her, I promise.

-Well, talk to him.

-Kim, listen... it's not...

All right, fine - if you won't sort it, I will.

-Got enough parsnips here?

-What you talking about?

You can eat them till they're coming out your earholes.

I just thought I'd do your favourite tonight.

Bit of shepherd's pie, couple of little parsnips on the side.

You don't have to do this.

-Is it that obvious?

-Yeah.

Look, I'm eating fine, Mick.

So, you know that help we talked about getting you.

Oh, I don't need to see a doctor.

Honestly, since we talked, I feel a lot better.

-As long as you're sure, yeah?

-Yeah.

I thought I'd call the celebrant later,

see if we can pop in and talk about our vows.

-Oh, have you checked with Lee that he's sorting your stag do?

-No.

Turkish Delight?

Yeah, I got them double cheap, a little bargain.

Oh, they smell like cheap soap. No-one eats these except Shirley.

-Why don't you give them to her?

-Nah. You're all right.

Grotto day!

You're like a big kid.

I wrapped a load of empty boxes just to deck it out.

Hope that costume still fits. Eh?

I'll go have a chat with Lee about that stag.

What's the matter with him?

Shirley.

They're just as stubborn as each other.

Well, Jade's moving in today. Maybe that'll soften her up.

Just wish there was something we could do

to just bring them back together again.

Maybe there is.

-What?

-Hang on.

Who you calling?

KNOCKING

Come in!

Is Phil in?

He's at work.

Good. I want to talk to you.

What's he done now?

Deliberately ran over Pearl's doll.

-Sorry?

-This morning. Driving like a lunatic.

She dropped it, I went to pick it up and he swerved towards me.

What if he'd lost control? It could have been Pearl.

It was probably an accident, Kim.

What, like the two thugs he got to beat up Vincent on our doorstep?

-What?

-This is getting out of hand.

But the question is, what are we going to do about it?

-"We"?

-Yeah...

We may not see eye to eye - but we're not that much different.

You know, we're strong. Feisty. Heads of our families.

So together, we can work this out.

KIM SCREAMS LOUDLY

It's a fake one. The real one's upstairs.

-You're kidding me?

-No, it belongs to the school.

-Denny's looking after it over Christmas.

-OK... Sorry.

So Phil and Vincent...?

Look, what do you suggest we do? Bang their heads together?

Well, if that's what it takes...

Look, Sharon, I know Vincent is no angel,

and I'm not making any excuses for him, but enough's enough.

Phil grinned at me like he didn't care.

Let me talk to him.

Yeah. Thanks.

Peace offering?

You know where you can stick it.

Oh, come on, Don, all right?

I can't stand this whole kind of awkward, hostile thing between us.

Well, then you shouldn't have

treated me like an idiot, then, should you?

Look, I didn't mean to lead you on.

But I do care about you.

Don't flatter yourself.

Don, come on. All right? Look, I'm sorry.

OK? And I miss you and our banter.

Yeah, well, I don't fancy you any more. You missed that boat.

How about mates? All right? We were good mates once.

Cakey - look at the cakey! Come on!

Listen, I'm looking after Pearl at Vincent's later.

Come over for dinner if you want.

Good times, what you cooking?

I ain't cooking. You're bringing pizza.

-All right. It'll be the £1.99 one, though.

-So cheap.

-Come on!

-Oh, look!

-It's Christmas.

-There you go, Jane.

-Ta!

Are you sure you're OK?

Yeah, yeah. It's just a...just a twinge.

Morning. A cup of tea and a bacon sarnie, please.

-Here, I'll get that.

-Oh, no, it's all right, Mum...

I can buy my son breakfast, can't I?

All right, thanks.

You two seem to be getting on better.

It'd be nice to spend some time with him over Christmas.

Oh - why don't we all have Christmas dinner together?

The Beales and the Mitchells?

Well, think of it more as you, Ben and Ian being together.

It would make Ian's day as well.

It's a bit last-minute though, ain't it?

-Just got the turkey and everything...

-We'll manage.

Shall I ask him?

Well, must be the best Christmas ever, having your mum back again.

Yeah.

Would you and Abi be up for coming to ours for Christmas dinner?

Oh, cheers, Jane, but I can't really bail on Dad.

-Well, you're all welcome.

-All of us?

Yeah. I mean, it would mean a lot to your mum.

And come on, Ian does the best roast potatoes, doesn't he?

It'll be nice - all the family together.

Yeah. Well, yeah, I could ask Dad, I suppose... Yeah.

You all right?

I just had a visit from Kim.

I bet she weren't delivering Christmas cards.

-What do you think you're playing at?

-Oh, lighten up, Sharon, will ya?

-He's not worth it, Phil.

-Listen, he'll be out on his ear soon.

And the Albert will be ours again.

Except the Albert was never ours. It was mine.

Until you gave half away to Vincent behind my back.

Everyone makes mistakes.

Is that all? Cos I'm busy.

What are you trying to prove, Phil?

That you're still the all-powerful Phil Mitchell?

You think people don't respect you any more? Is that it?

-Now you're being stupid, all right...

-Am I?

Then let it go with Vincent.

Phil!

It ends when I say so. All right? When I say.

Fine. Have it your way.

DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES

I'm sorry to hear you lost your baby in August.

We didn't lose him. He was stillborn.

-Sorry. Sorry.

-I know this must be difficult,

but I have to ask - any complications with the delivery?

Yeah, there was...there was some difficulty delivering the placenta.

Why? Could that be linked to the missed periods?

Shabnam's doctor said it could be something simple,

like a hormone imbalance.

Missed periods are very common and often don't signal anything serious.

I did read that, you know, but it's better coming from you.

We just want to make sure everything's OK.

For when we're ready to have another baby.

I'd like to do an ultrasound.

-Why?

-Nothing to worry about.

I just want to make sure the shape and size

of the womb look normal.

When?

Today, if that's OK?

There you go.

Thank you.

This is it. The start of an exciting new life.

I'm really glad you're here.

-I'll text you.

-OK.

-Have a nice Christmas, everyone.

-You too!

I'll be in touch.

We'll celebrate with a hot chocolate, shall we?

OK, see you later. Bye.

Bye.

Listen, I've got to go to work.

But I'll see you later on. Yeah? Yeah?

-See you, guys.

-Bye.

You won't believe it. The agency Santa's gone down with flu.

-You're joking!

-Teen's trying to find a last-minute replacement.

-Can't they just send someone else?

-They're fully booked.

If it comes to it, you'll have to do it.

Leave off!

I'm off to get Lady Di, take her for a walk.

-Seems like it's working fine to me.

-Funny. It wasn't this morning.

Come on, really?

KEYS JANGLE

No-one's going anywhere till we got this sorted.

I'm being silly, aren't I? Nothing bad's going to happen...

OK, This will feel a bit cold on your tummy.

All right. You got ten seconds

to tell me why you're a spineless grass.

Well? What, half the Albert - that weren't enough for you, no?

-Oh, it goes way deeper than that...

-I don't care who did what or why.

-Yeah.

-You know what? Let's go.

No, look, we're not standing for it.

Oh, I'm scared.

All right, he made a bad call, working with the police.

But he's sorry. Aren't you?

-He gets what he deserves.

-Is that right?

Yeah. Sending your boys round to rough me up.

-I mean, what are you? A coward?

-Why don't I show you...

-No, enough.

-Phil! No.

Sharon, get out of my way.

-You best come at me harder this time cos me ready for you.

-Stop it!

Come on! Seriously? Is this what it's come down to?

You got some front, ain't you?

You're hardly innocent in any of this, are you?

But I know where to draw the line.

We both know Vincent's a scumbag. I'm not exactly a fan either.

-Scumbag? What are you talking about?

-This isn't about him, is it?

Why don't you just shut your mouth, eh?

Phil. This ain't you.

You gotta leave this behind you before someone gets hurt.

-Is that what you want?

-I'll tell you what I want.

I want to get out of here. That's what I want.

Please, please can we just end it?

Just do it for your families.

Shirl...

Thanks.

What do you want?

I know you're fond of Lady Di,

-So I wondered if you'd look after her till Christmas Day?

-Why?

She keeps trying to eat Goosey Lucy.

-Goosey who?

-Mick's new love.

We're having goose for Christmas dinner

but Mick's treating it more like a new pet.

Anyway, like I said, Lady Di won't leave her alone...

I'm not paying for her dog food.

Appreciate it.

-Actually, I forgot her bowl. She could do with a drink.

-OK.

Come on, darling - come on then, come and have a drink.

-So...you excited about Christmas?

-Yeah...

Guess what? Santa's going to be over at the Vic later.

I'm almost seven. A bit old for Santa.

Well, he's going to be giving out goodie bags.

And you don't want to miss out.

Probably something naff like a key ring or a colouring book.

OK, fine.

I need you to do something for me

and I'll make it worth your while if you do.

Would you like to earn some pocket money?

Yeah.

Look what I found... Ta-da!

Any luck?

No. We're stuffed. Unless...

-Where's Lee?

-Well, he can't do it. He's an elf.

Still smells of Dad.

What, of whisky and snout? Cheers.

"Ho-ho-ho... I'm a misog and I hate kids."

He was the worst Santa ever.

He was, weren't he?

-See, there you go...it suits you.

-Oh, turn it in.

Seriously, Mick, if me and Lee can make idiots of ourselves...

-But Teen, you're both so good at it.

-Go on. We'll have a laugh.

-Nah...

-Look, at least try it on.

-Nah, Tina. No.

-Come on.

-Nah...

-just try it on, Mick.

-I've gotta sort that out...

-Just try it on, come on.

Well, I have to say, I am proud of you.

-Proud of what?

-Well, all this stuff with the Mitchells.

It's all sorted out now.

-Thanks to yours truly.

-You what?

-Yeah. All but shook on it.

Doesn't family mean anything to you?

You know it does.

What about his family right here?

Listen, Claudette, just save it, all right?

It's all sorted.

Saw Mum earlier.

Be nice to spend some time with her over Christmas.

It's gotta be weird, ain't it -

spending it here after all that time.

What's wrong?

I come back here to get some peace.

Dad, I just thought it would be nice

for us all to spend Christmas together.

-Oh, you thought, did you? You thought that?

-Yeah.

You know, where's your loyalty, eh?

Sometimes I think my entire family

has forgotten the meaning of the word.

Sorry I'm such a disappointment.

Yeah, well, that's exactly what you are. A lifetime of let-downs.

You can't stop me from seeing her, you know.

In fact, do you know what? Me and Abi, yeah?

We're going to spend Christmas at Ian's.

I couldn't give a stuff what you do.

How's that for another let-down?

That's perfect. Cos you know what?

I've done with the lot of you. You hear me?

The lot of ya!

DOOR SLAMS

Jane, do you fancy lunch and a cheeky glass of wine?

-I need it, the day I'm having.

-Yeah, sounds good.

-JANE CRIES OUT

-You all right?

-Sorry! You all right?

Is this from falling down the stairs?

-Jane, why haven't you had it looked at?

-I have. It's fine.

Well, look at the state of you. Look, let me take you to hospital.

-There's no need.

-I'm not going to take no for an answer.

I've had enough of people being pig-headed today.

Yeah. All right. I need to let Marie know.

-I'll do it. I'll do it. Give me that.

-Thanks.

-Sorry to keep you waiting.

-So is everything OK?

The scan has shown a couple of small abnormalities in your uterus lining.

So I'd like to book you in for a hysteroscopy after Christmas.

It's a low-risk procedure,

where we pass a thin camera through the cervix into the womb

to make sure the shape and the lining look normal.

What do you mean by abnormalities?

I'll be looking for abnormal tissue growth and scarring.

-Ah...so there's a problem?

-Not necessarily.

But there has to be something

-that you're not telling me.

-Shabs, Shabs...

Well, why else would I need this hysteroscopy?

So we can rule things out as much as anything.

It's nothing but exploratory at this stage. Try not to worry.

Easy!

Give us a bottle of that whisky, will ya?

-Sorry, Phil.

-What?

I can't serve you booze. Sharon's asked me not to.

She ain't my mother.

Well, the answer's still no.

Well, how about I smash the gaff up and help myself to what I want?

-How would you like that, eh?

-Come on, man, that ain't...

-Shut up!

-What do you think you're doing?

-Leave it, Phil!

Right, that's it. You know what? I'm calling the police.

-No, don't do that.

-You saw what he did.

-He's not himself.

Denise, please just let this one slide. For me, yeah?

-Look, no-one's looking.

-No.

Oh, give up.

Stop it, you weirdo.

You wouldn't have me any other way, would you?

How'd it go?

Oh - we're none the wiser.

Yeah, they need to do a few more tests.

That has to be a good thing.

Is, er, is everything else all right?

Yeah. We're just on our way home.

Well, I'm, I'm due a break if you fancy a cuppa?

Actually, I want to make you a bit of lunch,

spend a bit of time with you.

Aww... Miss me that much while I was gone?

Um... I'll catch you later instead?

Problem?

What are you doing, Phil?

Nothing.

Just enjoying Christmas.

No, you ain't.

Ben's on about spending Christmas with Kathy.

She's his mum.

After everything she's done? She ain't any good for him.

It's nothing to do with you.

She'll make him soft and weak - like he was before.

What's this really about, Phil?

I know you. Something's got under your skin.

Whatever it is, just let it go. It doesn't matter anyway.

PHIL CHOKES

All right, I've grown up a bit. So what?

So now you've turned into Mother Teresa, have you?

Nah, I wouldn't go that far.

Jade moved in today. Our granddaughter.

Well, I'm glad things worked out for you.

Oh, come on, it's not that bad.

I know menopausal Barbie can be a pain in the neck

but you still got Ben.

You can't let go of that. Kids are the most important thing.

Sort yourself out, Phil. Before it's too late.

But have a shower first, cos you stink.

-Oi, hands off.

-Where's the big present?

Who says there is one?

You all right, love? How'd it go at the hospital?

I've, um... I've broken a rib.

Why did you keep it quiet?

Well, cos I didn't want any fuss.

I'm sorry, Mum.

What are YOU sorry for?

Um, well, when I fell...

he thought he should have called an ambulance.

Well, you know, it gets me out of cooking Christmas dinner.

Which reminds me, Sharon, I spoke to Ben.

And he was going to ask Phil whether you lot fancied joining us.

For Christmas dinner?

Yeah, why not?

Sharon, look - no disrespect, but the last time the Beales

and the Mitchells got together for Christmas, it was a disaster.

Phil kicked off. Then he threatened me out on the Square.

-Oh, it can't have been that bad, Ian.

-You can count us in.

The way Phil's been behaving lately, I could do with the support.

-He'll never agree to it.

-Oh, he will, or he'll eat alone.

Oh, great. We can all look forward to another epic disaster.

Not winding up, but this crying, crying, crying, I can't take it.

KIM AND VINCENT CARRY ON CHATTING

Vincent sent me.

Said I had to pick up some paperwork for the Albert.

Oh. Oh. OK. We'll he's... he's just left, I'm surprised you didn't...

Yeah, yeah, I just spoke to him.

You going to let me in or what?

Look, Phil, why don't I get Donna to have a look for whatever...

Listen, you got a problem, take it up with Vincent.

I ain't got all day.

-It's an improvement.

-Cheers, mate(!)

Do you really want him finding out from someone else?

Do the right thing.

-But what if Kush changes his mind?

-He won't.

He's stubborn, just like his dad.

Shabs.

Yeah? I thought you were making lunch.

Come, sit down.

Why?

I want to talk to you.

What about?

Will you come and sit down, please?

Er...I don't know how to say what I'm about to say...

You know I love you more than anything and that's,

that's never going to change.

It's OK. I know what you're going to say.

I've been thinking about bringing it up for a while now...

But I stupidly kept putting it out of my head -

pretending that we might be OK.

-But if I'm honest, I know we won't.

-So what, what are you saying?

Come on, Kush, your face at the clinic. It's obvious...

-No, no, wait...

-Let's not pretend.

"Abnormalities" - doesn't sound...

good, does it?

I messed up with Zaair... I am broken.

My body isn't up to it any more.

Zaair dying was not your fault.

But what if I can't give you the one thing

that you want most in this world, Kush?

-I'm not going to put you through that again.

-Hey, hey...

No, no. I love you with all my heart,

but I want you to be happy.

And you deserve a family.

-And I'm not going to hold you back.

-No, stop it.

-Which is why I think...

-Stop it! No, you stop it!

-It's best for everyone...

-No, shush!

-Listen! ..if we just call it a day.

-No, stop...shush! Listen.

-It's all right, it is all right!

-Hey! Hey, listen! You are absolutely everything to me.

OK? I never want to be without you.

Come here... Come here, please.

Come here...

We are in this together.

Yeah?

OK?

OK.

Mrs Kazemi.

I'd better get back to the stall.

Can't... Can't you just stay a little bit longer?

Yeah... Yeah, OK.

Enjoy.

Martin? Can you, um...

can you get someone to cover your stall?

-I need to tell you something.

-Well, can't it wait?

-No.

Well, what is it, Stace?

Not here.

Shrimpy! Just cover my stall for five minutes, mate?

-Yeah.

-Cheers, mate.

-It's all right.

Are you stupid or something? Why did you let him in?

-Look, he said that Vincent sent him...

-And why is he upstairs?

-Er...toilet?

-What, he didn't want to use the downstairs one?

-DOOR CLICKS

-What was that?

DOOR CLOSES

To a job well done.

Sharon and I sorted out what you boys couldn't.

-That's nice!

-PHONE RINGS

We can all look forward to the staff Christmas party now it's over.

-Sorry, babe...

-It's OK.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. All right, speak slower.

It's Pearl.

Pearl?!

Phil's taken Pearl.

What?!

All right...

What do you reckon?

-Fits like a glove.

-Ahh...got a Derby on me, look.

Oooooh. You been a good girl this year? Yeah?

So you're going to do it, then?

I don't want to let the kids down, you know me. Where's Lee?

-Said he was going to be an elf.

-Yeah, he just text. He's on his way.

OK. All right, then. Let's do this, eh?

Come on, then!

It's going to be easier than I thought. He loves it.

Fingers crossed Jade does her bit.

How the hell did he get in here?

I'm sorry, All right?

He said you sent him, Vincent.

-If he hurts her...

-He's not getting his phone.

-I should never have listened to you.

-KEYPAD BEEPS

-Me?!

-Stupid to trust a Mitchell.

We need to call the police.

No! No police.

This ends - now.