23/12/2015 EastEnders

-Where are you going?

-Just keep quiet.

-Oh! All right... All right.

-One more step, one more.

-You're holding Pearl, right?

Yeah. No, I left her upstairs. Turn round. Go backwards.

-OK, OK.

-All right, now take off your blindfold.

-Oh, the snowman!

-That I should have let you put up weeks ago.

-Oh!

-Merry Christmas, baby!

Merry Christmas.

-Oh!

-Give her to me.

-Wow. What is it?

ABI SCREAMS

Denny!

Hey, I need that cushion.

What for?

-Baby Jesus.

-Oh, yeah.

Hey, why don't we ask Shabs if she'll look after Lily?

Just till the midwife's been.

-No, she's staying here.

-I'm sure she ain't going to mind.

-Well, I do.

-Has something happened?

-We had a stupid row.

-What about?

-Martin, you should really be on the stall.

You can't keep asking Kathy to cover.

-I know, but I want to be here, don't I, for the midwife, so...

-I'll call you. Go on, go.

All right, make sure you do.

-See you in a bit.

-Bye.

There you go, Lucy.

Every condemned man deserves a last meal. Here.

BELL TOLLS

-Morning, Mrs H.

-Arthur.

-You all right? Morning, Kimmy.

Hey, Fats, you all right? What are you doing here?

We're hosting the Albert Christmas party, remember?

It's still happening?

Of course it is. And you're DJing.

Are you serious? After everything that happened yesterday?

Look, it's Christmas, all right. We need to put grievances to one side.

Well, as long as the Mitchells ain't coming.

And there's me thinking it's the season of goodwill.

Are you serious? Phil kidnapped our daughter.

It was all just a big misunderstanding, weren't it, girl?

Misunderstanding? No, it wasn't.

So what - I'm just supposed to put on a smile

and then just pretend that everything's OK?

Kim, we have to do this, all right? We need to show face.

And if anyone can pull this off, I know you can.

Mwah!

Fine. The Mitchells can come.

But Phil ain't stepping one foot in this house - do you understand me?

Ain't going to happen. No-one hurts my girls.

-So what, are you telling me everything's blessed between you two?

-It's over.

Now let's just focus on making this a Christmas to remember, yeah?

Yeah?

So this bust-up with the girls. Is it anything serious?

-Search me, mate.

-I don't get it. One minute they're besties,

and the next minute they're at each other's throats.

That's women for you, ain't it? You know what I mean?

If I were you, I would just steer well clear of all that.

-Hey.

-Lovely, cheers.

I see Stacey hasn't turned up.

-She's got the midwife due this morning.

-Oh.

You seem very up-to-speed with her antenatal calendar.

Are you going to tell me what you two were fighting about then, or what?

I'm just sick of her being so sanctimonious all the time.

She's carrying another man's child.

And we're just meant to smile and get on with it?

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas. Hey, hey - how was the big move?

OK.

Listen, I hope you understand why I did what I did.

-I just thought you'd be happier living with your gran.

-Whatever.

Hello, you all right? I'm Kush.

I'm Shabnam's husband.

Can we go shopping now?

Yes.

Buster!

Ah! My two favourite girls.

Give me a minute.

-What are you going to get grandad?

-Something that stops him stinking of fish.

Bleach it is, then!

Where did you get that?

It was when I went to see Santa.

If you needed money, you should have asked.

It was Father Christmas's wife! She put it in my goody bag.

Did she now?

Buster, keep an eye on her. I won't be a minute.

Come on, darling. Come on, you can help me.

Right, now then.

It's important to annunciate every single word.

I think she's doing a great job.

'Course she is. But there's always room for improvement. Go on, then.

"Do not be afraid. For I bring you good news."

What did I tell you? The girl's got star quality.

There she is, my little angel!

Ready to take the world by storm.

Let's not get carried away, eh? It's only the community centre.

Within spitting distance of the West End.

You know, Elaine thinks we should enrol Janet into a stage school.

Does she? What about Janet, has she got any say in all this?

-Of course she does.

-Well, if you'll excuse me.

I've got a star of Bethlehem

and a pot of glitter at home waiting for me.

She's so looking forward to tomorrow.

As well she should be.

This could be the start of a blossoming career.

Right, then. Shall we get you home?

Oh, no - you ain't got to go yet, have you?

But I want you to promise me

that you're going to get a really good night's sleep, yeah?

-Good girl.

-See you later.

-See you later. See you, kids.

-Cheerio.

See you, Les.

She's expecting a lot from that girl.

I know, Les. That's what I'm worried about.

Here's one for you, L. Look - it says here - geese mate for life.

-Aw! Like you and me.

-Yeah.

It's not going to work, Mick. You're cutting that bird's throat today.

Just when I thought you couldn't stoop any lower.

Merry Christmas, Shirley.

What were you thinking, trying to bribe a little girl?

-I wouldn't call it a bribe.

-What would you call it?

-A little present from her Auntie Linda.

-What's all this?

It's nothing for you to worry about.

Haven't you got a delivery due?

-Well, I think I'd rather stay and play referee.

-Mick!

Just play nice, yeah?

What's this about?

I want us to spend Christmas Day as a family.

-What about Dean?

-Well, he's got Roxy to look after him, ain't he?

-I don't know.

-Honestly, you and Mick are as stubborn as each other.

Do you realise how much aggro this is going to cause?

It'll all be worth it when you taste my goose with cider gravy.

Yeah, well - don't peel any extra spuds yet.

She'll be here.

So you're opting for a home birth?

Yeah, I hate hospitals.

Well, you might want to run through your checklist,

because it won't be long now.

Well, I might be late.

Judging by the position of the baby, I wouldn't be so sure.

-I thought you was going to call me.

-I forgot.

-Have you told her about the Braxton Hicks?

-You don't need to make a fuss, Martin.

We were just going through the checklist for home births.

Oh, right. Well, listen - don't worry. Everything's under control.

I've even downloaded some whale music.

-I'm sure that's going to make all the difference.

-Yeah.

Now we can just relax, can't we? Enjoy the next few weeks.

Do you want a cup of tea?

Thank you.

Will you stick the kettle on?

-Have you thought about a name yet?

-Yeah.

-No.

Don't you think Arthur's got a lovely ring to it?

No child of mine is going to be called Arthur.

Arthur Brian Fowler. That way both of our dads get a look in.

-Well, he's a Branning, whatever we call him.

-Since when?

Do you want a biscuit?

Yes.

Give her the tin.

-So is Elaine putting Janet through her paces?

-Yeah. She's a tyrant all right.

Denny wanted to try for Joseph but I put my foot down.

Why's that, then?

Well, kids can be cruel, can't they, Billy?

Bobby, where's your dad?

Sharon, it's all right. I'm keeping an eye on him.

I'm trying to find him a present.

I don't think that's his cup of tea, do you?

Hey, Sharon.

I took the liberty of borrowing some glasses for the party.

Yeah, take as many as you like.

Yeah, so I'm still seeing you later?

Well, I don't think it's a good idea after everything that's happened.

We should put this in the past. Sharon, we're business partners.

We owe it to our staff to put on a good spread.

Yeah, of course.

Um...

Is Phil joining you?

No, he's got stuff to do at home.

-Shame.

-I'll see you later.

Kathy? How's Jane doing?

Well, running herself ragged getting ready for Christmas.

-With a broken rib and all?

-Well, you know Jane - she doesn't like to complain.

-I can't believe she fell down those stairs.

-It was an accident.

Yeah, course it was.

Let's just be thankful it weren't a lot worse, huh?

Anyway, Bobby - why don't you come down the high street with me,

and you can get your dad a present and we can pick out something for the Hubbards.

Gran?

Yeah, it's fine with me.

-See you later.

-Bye.

I'll see myself out.

-Thank you. See you later.

-Ta-ta.

-Are you going to tell me what all that was about?

-All what?

You can't just decide something as serious as his surname, Stace. It is my baby, too.

You put me on the spot. What was I supposed to say?

You're only a Branning by marriage. You'd rather that than make him a Fowler?

-Does it really matter? It's a poxy surname!

-It matters to me!

What if you don't stick around. What then?

-You're being serious, aren't you?

-We both don't know what's round the corner, do we?

-Do you know what...

-Oh, Martin!

-No, you're all right.

SHE SIGHS

Hey, can I have two teas and a coffee to take away, please?

You know what, I am glad this whole beef with the Mitchells is over, man.

It ain't even started yet, believe me.

-Hold tight, man. You said that...

-He tried to snatch my little girl.

Pulled a gun in my wife's face.

Bruvva, listen, all right? Phil isn't someone you want to mess with.

Neither am I.

-And thanks to Sharon, I know EXACTLY where he's going to be later on.

-But...

-But nothing.

I've been good to you, Arthur.

Yeah, I know that.

So how about you show me some loyalty in return, eh?

Thank you.

-That's £1.60, please.

-Yeah, um...

One second.

Right. That's as sharp as I'm going to get it.

Two pie and mash when you get a sec. Double helping of liquor.

-What are you going to do with that?

-It's either that or wring her neck.

It seems so barbaric.

Well, a man's got to put food on the table.

Ain't that right, Babe?

Are you sure you can do this?

Yeah, I'll probably just wring its neck.

It ain't like she don't know what's coming.

Double clever, that goose.

Well, don't dawdle.

I need to make sure she's drained ready for Christmas.

Eurgh!

# Jingle bells, jingle all the way... #

DOORBELL

That'll be Dee and Patrick. I asked them to come early.

# Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way... #

Next time it ends with a funeral, you said.

Don't worry, it's all in hand.

-Merry Christmas.

-Make yourselves at home.

Sharon's at the shops so she said she'll um... well, she'll be here later.

I cannot believe you bought us here.

-Um, no Phil?

-He's busy.

Shame.

THEY CHAT AND LAUGH

Show face, remember?

# Jingle bells... #

Martin, can I talk to you?

If you like.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry about before, about kicking off.

I've got a lot of stuff going on in my head.

Such as?

Come on. We both know it's nothing to do with the baby's surname.

It's just all that stuff with my dad's other family.

It just made me worried that one day you might get tired of all this.

-Of course I won't.

-And Shabs and the stall.

I dunno, everything's just getting on top of me, that's all.

Well, instead of pushing me away, let me help you.

We are supposed to be a team, remember.

If we can't trust each other now,

-then we might as well throw the towel in.

-I do trust you.

Then prove it.

Listen. Why don't you go home?

Stick your feet up.

-I'll cover your stall.

-Are you sure?

Yeah. Go and listen to some whale music. Wrap Lily's presents.

Thank you.

OK?

Right, so you think they're going to like these?

-They're horrible.

-Great. Kim'll love them, then.

Is it all right if I stay to wrap my presents?

Yeah, yeah, of course.

Denny! Bobby's here.

Someone's started early on the sherry, darling.

Just getting into the spirit of things.

Why don't you go and show Bobby your spider?

And no misbehaving for Phil, while I'm out. You understand?

Why, where are you going?

To Vincent's. The Albert Christmas party.

-Good luck with that.

-What choice do I have.

You kidnapped their kid -

someone's got to try and keep the peace, haven't they?

I see I'm not the only one starting early.

Ooh, I need this - believe me.

I'll tell you what. Give me ten minutes, I'll get changed, I'll come with you.

You're joking, aren't you?

-I love a good Christmas knees-up.

-You stay away from that family, do you hear me?

GOOSE HONKS

All right. It's just, um...

..we gotta eat.

And Babe's been banging on about roasting a goose for weeks, so...

I've never wrung anyone's neck before.

I've wanted to, but didn't want do the bird for it.

Get it?

That was out of order, I'm sorry.

GOOSE HONKS

I bet you didn't have this planned, did you?

When you was a little gosling, knocking about,

ending up on my dining table with spuds hanging out your bottle.

What are you looking at me like that for? It was going to happen, weren't it, sooner or later. No?

What do you want me to do - I've got to do it!

I'm the man of the house. I've got a reputation.

Do you know what, go on, go. Go on, go.

Go and hang out with your little duck mates.

Go to the pond.

Go and have a bang on a bit of bread,

go and do whatever you've got to do, just go away.

Go on.

Go on.

Oi, oi, oi! Slow down - what's the matter with you? Slow down.

I'm trying to help you and you're getting beaky round me? What's the matter with you?

Argh! Turn it in!

Should we go and help him?

What, and miss out on all the fun?

-Stop it!

-GOOSE HONKS

Is it me, or is this a really bad idea?

-So what, you reckon your brother's going to kick off?

-It's Vincent we're talking about.

I'd put yourself in the brace position if I was you.

-Sorry I'm late.

-That's OK. Um, Babes!

Kim, I just wanted to say on behalf of Phil, I'm sorry about what happened yesterday.

It's forgotten. Isn't it, Kim?

I suppose.

Here you go, Pops.

-Snowballs.

-I must re-drink that concoction every Christmas.

It's traditional, ain't it?

Ah, you see now, but what Pops needs is a good old-fashioned rum.

And I've got just the bottle back at the Albert.

Yeah, man.

Er, Arthur - listen, do me a favour.

Keep the tunes going, yeah?

Oh, and Fatboy, how about something a bit more Christmassy?

Yeah! Yeah, you know what, give me two minutes, all right? Sorry, guys.

Vincent, don't do anything stupid, right?

-Get back in there and do what I paid you to do, OK?

-Don't do this, Bruvva.

Phil hurt my family. He's going to know what that feels like.

-Still no sign of Mick?

-It's going to take time, isn't it?

Plucking all them feathers.

What's happened to you?

I'm up to my eyes in goats, sheep and donkeys.

-And what's happened to you?

-Don't ask.

-Well, where is she, then?

-The little mug went for me.

-I don't believe this.

-Hissing and flapping, she was.

I thought she was going to have my eyeballs out.

-Does that mean to say you've had to let her go?

-Well, I've had to, look at me.

-And I'll tell you what, they're vicious, them birds.

-You're lying.

No, he's telling the truth.

Lucky to get away in one piece.

He was screaming.

Well, you say I was scream... I wasn't screaming.

I should've wrung Lucy's neck myself.

Looks like I'm off to find a turkey on Christmas Eve.

I hate turkey.

-Thank you.

-Well, we couldn't let her think you're a big softie, can we?

-You want to stay for a drink?

-No, Buster's waiting.

-Oh.

Oh, Mick?

You haven't got any extra seats on Christmas day here, have you?

I'll have a chat with L. We'll sort something out.

Listen, I don't know what you and Stace have been rowing about,

but can't you just put it behind you?

-No, it's not that simple.

-Why isn't it? Come on, Shabs.

She's having a really tough time of it at the minute. She could use a mate.

I don't know, I don't know.

It's not like she's got any family around, is it?

We're all she's got.

What? Emotional blackmail, really? That's what you're doing.

Did it work?

I don't know. I just...

I feel like we're in each other's pockets all the time.

And everywhere I turn, there she is.

Just ready to offer me her pearls of wisdom.

Yeah, yeah - I get it, you know. It can get claustrophobic, can't it?

But it's cos she cares.

We both do.

Come on. It's Christmas, ain't it?

It wouldn't be the same without you two.

-All right.

-Yeah?

-I'll think about it.

-Brill, come here.

Sorry. Um, thank you, Shabs.

-Yep.

-See you soon.

Sweet potato's the same. Makes me very gassy.

Shirley, Shirley, will you have a word with your son?

Why, what's he's done now?

He just won't stop boring us with all his silly little cookbooks.

If something's worth doing, it's worth doing right.

-What's that, then?

-Christmas dinner. I'm cooking it.

No, you don't have to do that.

It's Jade's first Christmas and I want to do things properly.

Are you going to help me choose a recipe or what?

Honestly. It's like I've woken up next to Ian Beale.

My son. Budding Jamie Oliver.

Who'd have thought it?

Mick's asked us round there for dinner.

-Dean's going to love that.

-We won't tell him.

-Come again?

We'll go to Mick's, eat dinner, then come back here and eat again.

That's a foolproof plan if ever I heard one.

Are you sure about this?

He's my son.

So is Dean.

So, are we on for Christmas?

Yeah, but can we eat a bit late, though -

cos I want to get rid of my hangover.

Whatever you want, Mum.

Dean? Make sure you pile your mum's plate up nice and high.

You know how much she loves a turkey dinner.

Sure.

I hope you choke on it.

What do you want?

Well, Sharon was big enough to apologise on your behalf.

Was she now.

So I thought it was only right that I did the same.

Is that it?

A Scotch wouldn't go amiss.

You got company?

Bobby and Dennis. Been at it for hours.

If your old man and my old man could see us now, eh?

Sharing a drink together.

Yeah, well, from what I heard, my old man wasn't one to hold a grudge.

He didn't hold on to anything for too long.

To making this a Christmas to remember.

I'll drink to that.

Oh, hello! What's all this?

I just wanted to show you how much I appreciate you, that's all.

Is there room for two more?

Maybe this is a bad idea.

No, no, no. No, it's fine.

Me and Kush - we're going to go and get some drinks.

You two just stay and chat.

Tell me, Phil. Have you been a good boy this year?

Me? Me, I'm always a good boy.

What about you?

What've you asked Santa for?

Hmmm...hmm!

See, all I want is for my family to be happy and healthy.

That's not too much to ask, is it?

Don't sound unreasonable to me.

Let's... Let's just hope that your wish comes true.

I plan to make sure of it.

DOOR OPENS

I'm sorry.

It's just that Kim, she needs you back at the house.

Pearl is spewing up everywhere.

Looks like me and you will have to continue this another time.

I'll hold you to that.

What are you looking so sheepish about, eh?

You're playing a very dangerous game. You know that?

You know there are other ways of handing this than killing the man?

See, I was raised the old-fashioned way. An eye for an eye.

Now you - you need to make a decision as to what side you are on.

Because I would hate for you to be next on my list.

Come on, darling. You know what Elaine said.

Got to keep your strength up.

-I'm not hungry.

-She's scared.

-Well, what's she scared of?

She's worried everyone'll laugh at her.

Why would you think that?

-Because of the wise men.

-Eh?

They keep picking on her.

Is that right?

Hiya.

Right, Janet, I have got you some honey and lemons.

-It's what all the actors use.

-Can I have a quick word with you outside, please?

It'll have to be later, Billy. And we have to still rehearse our lines, don't we?

Honey!

This time tomorrow, my little girl is going to be a big star.

DOOR CLOSES

Hello, love. Did you have fun at Sharon's?

Dennis seems like a nice boy.

I don't like him.

Talk about a rubbish party.

Everything all right?

Well, go on. Tell her.

-It wasn't me!

-What's happened?

It's Dennis' spider.

I told you to keep her in her cage.

She's dead.

And we ain't talking natural causes here.

-Dennis!

-I didn't do it.

Then who did? Eh?

It was Bobby.

KNOCK ON DOOR

KNOCK ON DOOR

-Fats?

-If Vincent catches me...

Why? What's happened?

I've just walked in and stopped him.

Stopped him from doing what?

-Trying to kill Phil.

-What?

You've got to do something - otherwise Phil's a dead man.

Bobby. What did you do to Dennis' spider?

-I didn't do anything.

-Don't lie to me.

-I'm telling the truth!

Bobby, go upstairs, OK? Let me talk to Sharon.

Denny's beside himself.

-There must be some kind of explanation.

-Oh, there is. Your grandson's evil.

-Oh, come on! You don't really think that.

-No, he tore the legs off one by one.

I mean, do you think that's normal?

He needs help, Kathy.

Yes, I know he does.

Kathy.

Jane didn't fall down the stairs, Sharon.

Bobby pushed her.

So I see that Martin's been playing fairy godmother again.

Yeah. He does talk some sense, I suppose.

Why. What did he say?

That you care. That you're not trying to interfere in my life.

Well, it's true. I don't want to come between you and Kush.

Yeah, all right. Maybe I over-reacted a bit.

I dunno. I'm just not used to it, Stace.

-It's not like I've got many friends.

-You've got me.

All right, so what about you and Martin?

Kush said you had a row.

I'm just scared to let him get close. In case...

-He leaves you?

-Well, he has got every reason to, hasn't he?

This is his son, Stace.

All right, maybe not by blood but he's done loads for you and the baby.

Maybe it's time you put him first for once.

Is it safe to come in?

Yeah, we were just talking about baby names.

I reckon I could get used to Arthur Brian Fowler.

Yeah? Well - I'm going to pop this baby.

Stace?

Oh, Martin - you might want to see to this one first.

Martin, he's coming!