10/01/2017 EastEnders


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10/01/2017

Denise finds herself in an impossible situation - will the truth out? Meanwhile, the Carters continue with their money-making efforts.


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Oi!

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Oi, oi!

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Oi!

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All that waiting in and leaving Jane

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and they've only gone and given me a Hanukkah banner.

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How my supposed to wish Michelle bon voyage

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with a Happy Hanukkah banner?

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See my mother's still got that ugly twisted boat going on.

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Why? What's wrong?

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Swear my eyes are getting longer and shorter.

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I mean, how does that happen?

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How can you lose your sight in both directions?

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Don't talk and run, you'll get a stitch again, yeah.

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You know what? You watch, I need a pair of bins, son,

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for reading, for writing, for driving my motor.

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-Even for the custard.

-Varifocals.

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Nah, I'm knackered already. I need a pint, I think.

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Need new staff.

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Yeah, well, I'm going to need to win the lottery for that.

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I can't do alcohol in the week. Pearl's still up before 6am.

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Little chaps, not good for sociable hours.

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You know, the amount of mornings I've had with me,

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Ollie and CBeebies.

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-So that's about calories in one beer.

-Oi, that's my metabolism.

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All I've had today is a banana and a smoothie

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and I've still got bigger lils than the old woman.

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-Lot of sugar in a smoothie, mate.

-I had a sticky bun as well.

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I had a little bacon roll. Sausage. You know, an egg.

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It was only a little one.

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-Hiya.

-Hi.

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Oh, lovely.

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-Good job I've got some points saved.

-You don't need to be on a diet.

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-I'm not on a diet.

-OK.

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-I didn't know you were a baker.

-Oh, it's nothing.

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-Get your fingers out!

-She bought it.

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Could you go and tell Phil and Ben, 45 minutes, please?

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-Can't you text them?

-Just do it.

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Bossy cow.

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He's tired. Bless him.

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The amount of weddings and funerals we've had,

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there must be something in there.

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Stace, look out the back.

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Welcome home?

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-Not too early for a glass of wine, is it?

-No.

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Relax.

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We don't need Babe. We got this. It's just one little Italian night.

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I know that.

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You'll make yourself ill.

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If I stop I will fall asleep standing up.

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Since Mum left, I've been flat out 24/7.

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I mean, my entire social life has hit the deck and died.

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Oh, tell me about it. PHONE MESSAGE ALERT

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And there's another gathering off my course I'm missing.

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I have got exactly the same at the vets.

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Tonight it's Jonah's birthday.

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One with the girlfriend-not-good-enough, right?

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Yeah. And there's this meal right,

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and girlfriend-not-good-enough isn't going till later and everyone said

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you could see that Jonah wanted me there.

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The vets is like one big family, really.

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We tell each other everything,

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and this Christmas we bought the most massive tin of chocolates

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and everyone knows what everyone else likes so we save them all.

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I got like ten strawberry creams.

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I mean, I like nut better,

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but Baz also likes nut and she's the practice nurse so...

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Oh, there'll be other times.

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It's not like tonight would have been my special chance or anything,

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cos there's always a party or a drink and I would totally be invited

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to everything, but they all know I have two jobs.

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Oh, I should have thought - Italian night.

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Oh, it would have been perfect, wouldn't it?

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-Jonah could have had his birthday meal here.

-Yeah.

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Just cos you work hard doesn't mean you can't be a fun person, Johnny.

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I'm sorry if I hit a raw nerve, Shirley.

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It was only meant to be a joke.

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Depends on the joker that got her up the duff.

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Baby showers are really American, aren't they?

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Maybe a set of rainbow-coloured muslin squares and a keepsake box

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aren't the top of Denise's priorities.

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No.

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No, I can't say. She said don't say.

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They've taken her in for another scan.

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-No.

-Now?

-Today?

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-Why?

-High blood pressure. Needs to be induced.

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Possibility of...

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Well, there's high risks, aren't there, being a geriatric mum?

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Geriatric?! So insulting!

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Inducing, that's when they put the...

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Pessary thingy. Takes you from nothing into full-on contractions.

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-I'd rather have a raspberry tea.

-Curry.

-Sex?

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Oh, don't go there. I was nine days late with Shaki.

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I was so scared of being induced,

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I made Umar work his way through the entire Kama Sutra in a weekend.

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Oh, how lovely. I bet he thought all his Christmases had come at once.

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-He's a Muslim.

-Yes, I do know that, Shirley.

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I had so much water retention

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I was like one of those toy Weebles we had as kids.

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Well, we just wobbled.

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And he never fell down.

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No, Sharon. School night. Oh, go on, then.

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Well, it's like Honey said, you hit a certain age,

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and everything's just a bit slacker.

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-Baby just drops out.

-Speak for yourself!

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Seriously, though, no wonder Denise was odd.

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Hospital must have found a problem. and, I mean, at her age,

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we all know that chances of...

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-I'm not saying...

-No, I know.

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Janet is one of the very, very, best things that happened in my life.

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It would have shown up, though, Down's Syndrome, wouldn't it?

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No, not necessarily.

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I'd have loved a little girl.

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As a sister for Denny, not instead of, obviously.

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-Obviously.

-Or a little boy. Matching dungarees.

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Was hard enough getting pregnant once

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and now with all this going on with Phil.

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Well, Sharon, statistically,

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your biological clock's got to be pretty much near up.

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I think you're right, Honey.

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Some things are just not meant to be.

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And some secrets are meant to be told. Who's the father, Carmel?

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I don't know.

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-You MUST know.

-I don't know.

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Oh, look, I've found a leaving banner.

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-Give her another glass of wine.

-Come on. Is it someone we know?

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Of course it's someone we know!

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I'm telling you, I really don't know.

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Patrick.

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How was the scan?

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Why am I going to hang around after school just cos Hickey tells me to?

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-Maybe cos he's our head of year.

-It's nothing.

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-It's got to be something.

-Yeah.

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He wants to shut his office door and tell me he fancies us, innit?

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-Louise is going to be gutted.

-Nah.

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I told you, I'm not chirpsing Louise. She's frigid.

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It's not a stitch, it's an hamstring.

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Not in your belly, mate.

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Look, last thing you need to worry about is hair dye.

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-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-Look, you got to own this, Mick.

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Right, look, my 40th,

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last big bash before I met Kim.

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Power boating down the Thames, ten of us. Major rush.

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Caning it all night.

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I even woke up at some girl's house in Surrey.

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The rack on her made you look like a double A cup, mate.

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-Legend.

-Yeah, well, you know.

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Look, you got to do something other than visit your missus

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over the weekend though, right?

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Yeah, I just don't think a birthday bash is appropriate right now,

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you know what I mean?

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Jack would love it. A few of the guys.

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Poor guy looks like he could do with a good night out.

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Do you know what, Vincent, we'll have a few boozes, all right.

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-I'll see you later.

-Yeah, see you.

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Look, whatever you do for him, it's got to be on the small scale.

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Right, so he does want something, then? Did he say that?

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-Well, he's only 40 once, right?

-Wicked. Thank you.

-No worries.

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See I told you. He DOES want something.

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So, I don't know, let's do a buffet and I'll get the karaoke out, yeah?

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Fine.

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It's fine. I'm fine.

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Fine - one of the most misleading words in the whole

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of the English language.

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-So what were they scanning her for then?

-Oi, Gobalot!

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My ankles being swollen ain't turned me deaf.

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You know, with Carmel, you put a muzzle on it,

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she'd still spill, you know.

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-Denise, she was just worried about you.

-Yes.

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And it was a really good secret.

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I've told you all the baby's healthy and well.

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Yep, strong heartbeat.

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When's that Michelle here then?

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-It's nearly full term, so...

-Libs.

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What?

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It's a bit small.

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The midwife was right.

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Well, you're a little bit small.

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-They're going to induce her.

-Oh.

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It's got to come out at some point, ain't it?

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Why don't you get the father to speed things up?

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-Get him to pay you another visit.

-What?

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-Oh.

-Classy.

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Sorry, what's this obsession with my sex life all of a sudden?

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Anyone would think you weren't getting any, Shirl.

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Frankly, I'd rather have a cup of tea and a biscuit.

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So any more questions? My favourite position?

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My top ten lovers since 1997?

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Do I look like I'm particularly gagging for it at the minute?

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-So...

-Well, really.

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Is that the time?

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Michelle will be there any minute.

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And it'll be better if you give her the present yourself.

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We'll find you a nice quiet corner to sit in.

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I can't.

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We won't make you drink that lemoncello stuff.

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No, but I can't Ian, you see, cos Ethel, you know, Ethel esquire, she's missing.

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And I got to do my Christian duty.

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"To him what is afflicted, pity should be shewed from his friend", Ian.

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What?

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Job.

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That is chapter six, verse 14.

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That's it.

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You do not ruin Michelle's last night.

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Oh, you're telling me, are you?

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Oh, come on, rein it in, Shirley.

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How can you possibly know that Buster is the father of her baby?

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Look at her. Denise. She's hiding something.

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Yeah. Heartburn, probably. Braxton Hicks.

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You know how uncomfortable it is in the last few days.

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Sharon. It's so clear. Buster leaves. She leaves a gap.

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Then suddenly, there it is - mysteriously pregnant.

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Just because Buster's done a runner.

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You didn't even like him in the end.

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He was having it off with somebody round here, behind my back.

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He admitted it to Mick.

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What?

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And this isn't about 'like'. This is about him taking the rise.

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I mean, realistically, who else could it be?

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Does Babe know what's happening in her kitchen?

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No, cos she ain't here.

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Why?

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Well, Ian's got some nibbles that need warming and I can't even make myself heard in there.

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Quite intimidating, ain't they, when you get a lot of them together?

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Surprise!

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So yeah, me and Matt ended up staying at Luke's,

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had about two hours' sleep before uni, it was not ideal!

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I never knew you were so popular!

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Mm! There's lots you don't know!

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Johnny!

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"Calm down", you said. "In the bag" you said.

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A gathering, in the kitchen?

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Did you ever even do your health and safety?

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Word must have spread.

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We are running seriously behind here.

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All right, I'm on it. OK, I am, all right. Sorry.

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Oh, give the man a break, will ya?

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How hard can it be to knock up a plate of pasta?

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You got to learn to chill out, love.

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You know that this is Babe all over -

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gets me to do all the leg work and then takes full credit.

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And timing is at the heart of good cooking, 'love'.

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Abs, Abs! Get off his back.

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You know, I got to say, Abs, I think you would be a lot happier

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if you stopped trying to control everything,

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making everything in your life fit to some unwritten down timetable.

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Right... You're right.

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I'm, er, going to Jonah's Party.

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No, no, you can't.

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We write down a timetable so everyone knows where they're at, Ben.

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No silly mistakes, no missing something vital,

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like the fact you're gay...or whatever.

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So, excuse me.

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Here is the timetable - the pasta's already been on too long,

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the salads ain't made and your pizza dough's gone soggy.

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Good luck(!)

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I think I've got a migraine.

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Hey, hey. It's cool. It's all cool.

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MUSIC STOPS

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What is it?

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Ah, it's a frog bag!

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It's never a frog bag.

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Auntie Pauline used to have one on the kitchen door!

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Oh, bless her. Dot must've got a whole load from 1984.

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Did she say she was going to come in later?

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She can't make it. She's gone and got her torch out and she's gone off on one of her

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Christian missions.

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Your flight is actually tomorrow, ain't it?

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I know you said "this week", but then what with you making so many calls, I didn't know if...

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Ah. She's changed her mind!

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Like I say - take the girl out the East End...

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So glad you were well enough to come, Phil. Wise words!

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It's like Peggy is right here and walking among us.

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Honestly?

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You're completely right.

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I just didn't want to make a fuss.

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Was going to slip away tomorrow morning.

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Sorry to disappoint but the flight is booked and paid for.

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Mark and Tim are both coming to pick me up from Pensacola airport.

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Lucky old Timothy.

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You had enough?

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About a fortnight ago.

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Phil!

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What my brother ever saw in your best mate, I don't know.

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Well, it's true what they say, ain't it?

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Absence does make the heart grow fonder, eh, Billy?

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Don't you believe it. Nothing'll have been ironed.

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No-one will have thought to have unpacked the dishwasher or refill the ice dispenser.

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Goodness(!)

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I will spend the first five days I am back tidying up

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cos the cleaners never do as thorough a job as you do yourself,

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never mind the gardeners.

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You've got a cleaner?

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Is it a ride-on mower? We had a friend had a ride-on mower.

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And a hot tub.

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No, no...

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We've just...

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put a lot of time into our house over the years, that's all.

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I had a hot tub.

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It was a bit of a squeeze when the back gate and the back door was open...

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But there's more room in America, ain't there? Everyone's got a big house.

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Yeah. And a gun. And a ranch...

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Just like everyone in London's met the Queen.

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I'll tell you what, though, your mum would crucify you for having a cleaner.

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Least of my faults.

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Why? What you done?

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Stayed away too long.

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Don't you go leaving it another 20 years till you come back, though.

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No, the life you've made, Mum would be proud of you.

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We all are. I'll get some drinks, shall I?

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Move on.

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Girls like her don't stay at our sixth form, anyhow.

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September, she will be messing about at art college, wherever...

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What have I told you?

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No hanging about in the pub.

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All right, Mum, OK, I'm not four. No need to make a big deal.

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Yes, Mrs Kazemi. Sorry, Mrs Kazemi.

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Come on, Community Centre might be open...

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Oh. Charmer.

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You want to take a leaf.

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OK.

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Lemonade and a lasagne, then it's revision.

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You can't start too early.

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My mum's right there!

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..going straight through there, there's an alleyway through there.

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What was he thinking?

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This never would have happened if Linda was here.

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Trying too hard.

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It's just excuses, though, Mum.

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It's like, when are my sons going to learn to man-up and step-up?

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What?

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Just talking about this, you know,

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I-tie night we're meant to be having, you know, Johnny,

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giving it all the "live like a native" spiel.

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I'll have to go and get Babe, won't I?

0:16:390:16:41

Well, if you want to spend your time looking after Sylvie...

0:16:410:16:45

Tina ain't been nowhere since before Christmas.

0:16:450:16:47

She's gone to try this taekwondo.

0:16:470:16:50

And Babe's going to charge you double.

0:16:500:16:53

You keep jumping in to cover for them,

0:16:530:16:55

your boys ain't going to learn any responsibility about anything.

0:16:550:16:59

Yeah, well, we ain't all like Buster, are we?

0:16:590:17:02

Johnny has promised us Italian food.

0:17:020:17:04

Let's wait and see what he's got, eh?

0:17:060:17:08

Yeah...

0:17:100:17:13

MICROWAVE PINGS

0:17:210:17:22

There...

0:17:220:17:24

It's fine, they'll love it.

0:17:240:17:25

Champagne, please, Trace.

0:17:270:17:28

OK. I'll text you my mobile number.

0:17:280:17:30

If we can't have champagne on your last night, when can we?

0:17:300:17:33

-No, no, no, let me get it.

-Don't be silly, it's fine.

0:17:330:17:35

Three bottles. To start with.

0:17:350:17:37

Please.

0:17:370:17:38

You sure you don't want me to call Dot?

0:17:390:17:42

No.

0:17:420:17:43

But I'm worried about her, Chelle. Serious, massive concerns.

0:17:430:17:46

No, you are not.

0:17:460:17:47

No. But can't you stay another few days?

0:17:470:17:50

What? After this send-off? And presents.

0:17:500:17:53

Please.

0:17:530:17:54

And your husband don't like me.

0:17:540:17:56

Well, my husband doesn't like anyone who's not a Mitchell.

0:17:560:17:59

He don't like the Mitchells half the time - what's left of them.

0:17:590:18:02

And since when have we let a little thing like

0:18:040:18:07

a man get in the way of friendship, huh?

0:18:070:18:09

You don't need me, Sharon.

0:18:120:18:13

I don't need cake but it makes life nicer, don't it?

0:18:130:18:16

When did we get so grown-up?

0:18:170:18:19

We done all right, ain't we?

0:18:190:18:22

We're survivors, Sharon.

0:18:220:18:25

Oh, yeah(!)

0:18:250:18:26

BOTH CHUCKLE

0:18:260:18:28

Are you having a laugh?

0:18:310:18:32

What is this?

0:18:320:18:34

Don't know if I'm supposed to eat it or wash up with it.

0:18:340:18:37

You get a bit twice the size on the high street.

0:18:370:18:39

Yeah, and half the price.

0:18:390:18:41

Lee, come here.

0:18:410:18:43

Dear, oh, dear. What a disaster.

0:18:430:18:45

Poor Babe will have heart failure.

0:18:450:18:48

If I wanted to eat microwave muck,

0:18:480:18:50

I'd have stayed at home and made Billy cook.

0:18:500:18:53

Yeah. What?

0:18:530:18:54

LAUGHTER

0:18:560:18:58

It's fine.

0:18:580:18:59

I can still manage to go to the toilet on my own.

0:18:590:19:02

Right, let's be straight...

0:19:020:19:05

it's a joke, innit, so I've got something special planned for

0:19:050:19:08

you mob, don't you worry about that...

0:19:080:19:11

ALL CHUCKLE

0:19:110:19:12

ALL CHATTER

0:19:140:19:18

Ethel?

0:19:180:19:20

Ethel esquire?

0:19:220:19:24

Have you found your own way back?

0:19:270:19:30

Oh, dear.

0:19:450:19:47

Ethel...?

0:19:560:19:57

Ethel esquire?

0:19:580:20:00

DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE

0:20:000:20:02

CHEERING

0:20:050:20:07

To old friends!

0:20:070:20:08

And new ones.

0:20:080:20:09

Where is Michelle?

0:20:090:20:11

Denise...

0:20:400:20:41

You had an affair.

0:20:450:20:48

What?

0:20:480:20:49

With Buster.

0:20:490:20:51

I actually just need to take a wee, so...

0:20:510:20:54

The father of your baby.

0:20:540:20:55

Whoa. What?

0:20:550:20:57

Did you think I wouldn't work it out?

0:20:570:21:00

I know, Denise.

0:21:000:21:01

All those meetings about CostMart, that was just a cover-up, wasn't it?

0:21:020:21:07

And then I wa...

0:21:070:21:09

I was telling you all about him, telling you what I thought,

0:21:110:21:15

when all the time you two were having sex!

0:21:150:21:18

Shirley...

0:21:260:21:28

I've got a bladder the size of a walnut.

0:21:290:21:32

So, if you want me to piddle all over this floor,

0:21:320:21:34

you just carry on blocking that door.

0:21:340:21:37

DENISE SIGHS

0:21:480:21:50

Have a bit of thought, will you. Run a tap or something.

0:21:500:21:53

I do know that I wasn't very nice to him...

0:22:010:22:04

Tell you that, did he? Pillow talk?

0:22:070:22:11

Tell you that I was a hard-faced cow?

0:22:110:22:13

Yeah, well, maybe I am. But...

0:22:130:22:15

He didn't deserve "nice".

0:22:180:22:19

He was selfish.

0:22:220:22:23

Selfish man that was only happy when he was centre of attention.

0:22:240:22:27

And now he's done a bunk, but you'd know all about that, wouldn't you?

0:22:270:22:31

Selfish.

0:22:330:22:34

Hev... She sussed him years ago.

0:22:360:22:40

And you know what Hev was like, when...

0:22:420:22:44

Oh, please.

0:22:440:22:46

You know that Heather weren't the only mate you've ever had, you know.

0:22:480:22:52

I did not sleep with Buster!

0:22:550:22:58

I wouldn't.

0:23:030:23:05

Anyway, you can think what you want, cos, you know what?

0:23:090:23:12

I've got enough stuff on my mind.

0:23:120:23:13

And it actually ain't any of your business.

0:23:130:23:16

Like what?

0:23:160:23:17

What's the secret...? Cos I know there is one.

0:23:210:23:24

If you're not covering for Buster, then...

0:23:260:23:29

..who is the father?

0:23:300:23:31

It was just a one-night stand.

0:23:440:23:46

SHIRLEY SCOFFS

0:23:460:23:48

You know what, you're really not that interesting.

0:23:480:23:53

But don't come to me when you need a baby-sitter.

0:23:530:23:56

Yeah?

0:23:560:23:57

Or you want to have a coffee and a chat and a laugh, because you're

0:23:570:24:00

fed up being up to your eyeballs in breast pads and dirty nappies!

0:24:000:24:04

That's another thing Hev always said,

0:24:050:24:08

when you have a true mate, you cut the bull!

0:24:080:24:11

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

0:24:110:24:14

I'm not going to need any of that!

0:24:180:24:20

Why not?

0:24:210:24:23

DENISE SOBS

0:24:260:24:27

You don't have to cry about it.

0:24:270:24:29

No.

0:24:320:24:34

No, I don't.

0:24:350:24:36

It's just...hormones.

0:24:360:24:38

You got to promise me...

0:24:510:24:53

Promise me you don't say anything.

0:24:530:24:57

Swear it, Shirley, because...I'm trusting you.

0:24:570:25:01

I swear.

0:25:080:25:09

It's Phil's.

0:25:140:25:16

It's Phil Mitchell's son.

0:25:190:25:21

You're carrying his boy?

0:25:260:25:27

But, when?

0:25:320:25:33

I mean he's been at death's door, I mean, what the hell?

0:25:350:25:38

God, he's a tart...!

0:25:380:25:40

Do you want to talk to me about this?

0:25:450:25:47

Yes. Yes.

0:25:470:25:49

Yeah, but I can't. I can't.

0:25:510:25:55

Not now...

0:25:550:25:57

Shirley, I know that you and Phil - you've got history.

0:25:570:26:00

But...

0:26:000:26:02

You've got to keep it buttoned, you cannot tell anyone.

0:26:020:26:05

You swore. You can't say anything. Not yet.

0:26:050:26:09

The grief....

0:26:110:26:13

Well, you get it now.

0:26:160:26:17

This is seriously complicated, Shirley.

0:26:210:26:24

Can you imagine how Phil...

0:26:250:26:27

You just... You gotta let me just get through this next bit...

0:26:320:26:37

the way that I want to.

0:26:370:26:39

Please.

0:26:410:26:42

DISTANT LAUGHTER

0:27:130:27:17