22/06/2016 River City


22/06/2016

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Angus is fine on his own.

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It's Stella you don't want to leave.

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-Stella's moving in with you.

-Just for a bit.

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Your ex-wife Stella?

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She's a pal.

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I love the bones of her, don't I?

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Stop it, you, you'll set me off.

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Come here.

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-I like her.

-That's up to you.

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You want to be with her? I cannae be in your life.

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My friend Cassie, she's seen you around

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and she'd really like to meet you.

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I'm not here because I want a date, I'm here because I want a husband.

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-I just spent the last of it on a bird.

-What bird's that?

-My fiancee.

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It's days like this when I am glad that there's gun control here!

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Whoa, Charging Buffalo. What's the matter?

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You're not going to believe this.

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The registry office have only gone and double-booked our wedding.

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-We have to move.

-Have they offered another day?

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Yeah, two months from now.

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So, don't panic. We'll do it two months from now.

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Angus, I don't have that long left on my visa!

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No wedding, and it's bye-bye, Scotland, hello, boring old NYC.

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What's so funny?

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Well, half of Glasgow's probably dying to get out of here

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and move to New York.

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Well, I'm not one of them. This is my home now.

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Besides, I improve the place just by being here.

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Debatable.

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Is it? Well, no wedding and this little arrangement is off.

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It's not that easy.

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I've already spent the money on the bar.

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Angus, being American, I know a thing or two about litigation.

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It's sort of a second language to us.

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Is that like football is for the Scots?

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Only more dangerous.

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If my visa runs out before I get married,

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I'll be suing you for the five grand.

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What do you think? Do I look ready for work?

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Work?

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Aye, behind the bar at the Tall Ship.

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Robbie put in a good word with Gary, so I've got a trial shift.

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Is that a good idea?

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Why wouldn't it be? I've done it before.

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Aye, I know, but... Is it not too soon?

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Are you sure you're ready?

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No. I'm not sure.

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But I can't stay in here and jump at my shadow all day, can I?

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Aye, well, good for you, hen.

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I'm sure you can do it.

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I hope so.

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Right.

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-Right, see you.

-Aye. See you.

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You'll be fine. There's nothing to it.

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Graham's here if it gets too busy.

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I just want to do a decent job.

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You were good enough to give me a chance.

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No problem. Have you had a chance to look at the menu?

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Familiar enough?

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Aye, I've memorised it.

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-NASAL ACCENT:

-Oh, cheese and ham sandwich.

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'Scuse me, could you tell me...

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is that with white or granary bread?

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We do both, sir.

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And is it cheddar or brie?

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Or haloumi. It's your choice.

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Oh, well, in that case I'll have everything on the menu, please.

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Coming right up, sir.

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You'll be fine.

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You don't like it?

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I have got the hippest new bands in Glasgow lined up to play this bar.

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That brings art students, fashion students, media types.

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In short, if this place is going to be a success,

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it has to attract the likes of me...

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not you.

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Maybe we've just got a different idea of what's cool.

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Clearly. This is all I need.

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No venue, no date for the wedding,

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now the bar isn't even going to be ready for its launch...

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Hold on. Why don't we just combine all three?

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What are you talking about?

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Oh, you can't mean here?

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That would mean getting married tonight.

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What an opportunity. It'd definitely get folk talking.

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That's actually not a bad idea.

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A cool one, you might say?

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Don't push it.

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OK, I'll see if they can send out a registrar.

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-It's short notice...

-But they owe us.

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Exactly. I know how this is done.

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Waterworks... "I can't believe you're putting me in this situation!

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"The biggest day of my life!"

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Damsel in distress. They'll jump.

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Trust me.

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Whoa. I am not getting on your wrong side.

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I gotta get a wedding dress.

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You have got to get your best man on board and make an announcement

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and this place is not going to look like this, I can assure you!

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OK, my darling sweetheart.

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Write all this down. You're a man, you'll forget. Item three... get chairs.

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We have got a lot of work to do and not much time to do it in.

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Move!

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All right.

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All right.

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All right?

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There you go. How's the head on it?

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Perfect. Class in a glass.

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How long have you got?

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-There you are.

-Slow down, you'll wear your batteries out. What's the matter?

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Your best man duties are about to be brought forward.

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-Eh?

-BELL RINGS

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Hello, everyone, and happy lunchtime!

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I've got a wee announcement to make.

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You'll all have had your invites to the opening of my new Pop-Up bar

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-tonight, so I'm looking forward to seeing you all there with bells on.

-Aye, bells on what, though?

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But I am also pleased to announce that at 7.30pm,

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my good self, Mr Angus Lindsay of Shieldinch, being of sound mind,

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will take Miss Cassie Evans to be my lawfully wedded wife.

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So get dressed in your best!

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You're getting married tonight?

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Just feels right. We got a good deal on the venue!

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A word.

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So this is actually going ahead?

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And you're claiming to be "of sound mind"?

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Oh, am I meant to take marriage advice

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from the guy that's been engaged five times?

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At least I was in love.

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Five times.

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I think you've misunderstood what this is all about.

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It's a business transaction, one that allows me

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some much-needed start-up capital.

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Is there not an easier way? Save up?

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-Get a bank loan?

-What, rather than someone just give it to me?

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-Oh, aye, cos that's much harder.

-At least it's honest.

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Are you saying I'm dishonest?

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Either that or you're a deluded fool.

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Aw, cheers for the pep talk. Some best man you are.

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Best man? No! The fake proposal was bad enough.

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I'm not going along with this sham.

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Is that right?

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Well, if you'll excuse me, I've got a wedding to organise.

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Kel, how long are you going to keep this up for?

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-Stop giving me the cold shoulder.

-Can I get sir anything else?

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No. Just forget it.

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What's up? Got a text saying you wanted to meet me.

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Aye, listen, Angus was in earlier and announced that him

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and Cassie are getting married tonight.

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You're joking!

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That girl does not do things by half.

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Well, we were going to the opening of the bar tonight anyway, so...

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Don't tell me you forgot.

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I reminded you last time I saw you.

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You are still taking me, right?

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I don't think I fancy it, to be honest with you.

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Who doesn't fancy a wedding?

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It's just an excuse to get dressed up and have a party.

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I'm just not into it.

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She'll probably ask me to be a witness,

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it'd be really good to have you there beside me.

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You've got eyes, can you no witness it yourself?

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Why are you being like this?

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Is taking me out some kind of imposition?

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I'm sorry, but you're not welcome here.

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So, you're going to have to leave.

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I'm barred? What for?

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Kel, keep your nose out. This is between me and Angel.

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I warned you about her. This is her trying to push you around already.

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That's definitely not what's happening here.

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No, I know what you're like.

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You just need to have people dancing about for you, like wee puppets, eh?

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Kel, stay out of my business, all right?

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I have just saved you from being bitten by a snake.

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Graham, can you cover the bar?

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Angel, wait, stop. Look, I'm sorry.

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She's my sister, she gets a bit overprotective when it comes to me.

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That wasn't anything to do with you. That was all about me.

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Can't blame her if the thought of me and you makes her uncomfortable.

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Makes her uncomfortable, or makes YOU uncomfortable?

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Oh! Congratulations!

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When it's right, it's right, eh?

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What?

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Your wedding. Tonight.

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You've both heard already?

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Oh, I've been spreading the good news!

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Well, I need an entire outfit. Mainly a dress.

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Like, immediately.

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You just may have come to the right place.

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Of course!

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Handed in yesterday.

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The day before your wedding.

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Written in the stars, dear!

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We must be reading different horoscopes.

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Isn't it gorgeous? It's vintage.

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Do you not just love the old designs?

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Depends on how old.

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Well, listen, I tell you what, take it home. Try it on.

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If you don't want to wear it, fine, just hand it back in.

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But if you do...

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It's fate?

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Exactly.

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Thanks. I'll try not to, uh, lose it on my way home.

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I don't care what her history with Angel is.

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-She shouldn't be bringing it into the workplace.

-Excuse me?

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I know, I know. She has had a really tough time recently.

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I'm standing right here.

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-This was a trial shift. And I'm afraid you failed.

-Aye, I'm getting that.

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Can you not just give her another go?

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She barred a paying customer who'd done nothing wrong.

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-I'm sorry.

-That's all right.

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Clearly Angel's feelings are higher priority than mine.

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Ah, Kelly!

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As if I don't have enough on my plate,

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I've this meeting at the school for Jenny today.

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We're pleading mitigating circumstances?

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Because of the eviction?

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And we need the school to argue our case to the exam board?

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Is any of this ringing a bell?

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Oh, aye!

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Graham's got to leave early

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so I'll need you to cover the bar while I'm there.

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Aye, sure, no bother.

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Where are you going?

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I've got to make sure Kelly-Marie's OK.

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Stop chasing after her, Robbie!

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She is my best friend.

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Aargh!

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I mean, can you believe it?

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Springing this wedding on everybody tonight.

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You saw the proposal.

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It was hardly going to be a five-year engagement.

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How can a sham marriage make somebody happy?

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Angus hasn't stopped smiling since. So surely that counts for something.

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A "business decision". That's what he called it.

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Marriage is for two people who love each other.

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What?

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No. I wasn't talking about you and me.

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I never mentioned you and me. You did.

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This is about Angus, not us.

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-Aye, well, maybe that's the problem.

-What?

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It's never about us.

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-What are you getting at?

-You tell me.

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You're the one who got hitched to a wrestler

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when you were drunk in Las Vegas.

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-Or have you forgotten that?

-No, Bob, I haven't forgotten.

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And clearly, neither have you.

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So, I bawled my eyes out,

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demanded they send a registrar out tonight, and hey presto!

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Instant wedding.

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No messing around, eh? And is that the dress?

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Yeah. I'm like stuck with it.

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Oh, it's lovely. Where did that come from?

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Molly was practically insistent I wear it.

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Maybe I'll add like a gun-belt and a six-shooter.

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You don't like it?

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I dunno. I think it's elegant.

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Classy.

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Listen, I'm taking an hour off this afternoon, all right?

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What for?

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Alasdair.

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I just want to pop round and see how he's getting on.

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-I feel a wee bit responsible for him.

-Suppose so.

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Thanks.

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Aren't you going to say the dress looks beautiful on her?

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I'll see you later.

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Don't. Just don't.

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I wasn't going to say a word.

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Exactly. You've got bigger things to worry about.

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Like, is the bar even going to be ready?

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Yeah, I've got my top man on it.

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PHONE DIALS

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'Please leave your message after the tone.'

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Bob? I know that you're not answering cos it's me,

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but are you going to just stop being a tubular bell?

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This bar is nowhere near ready for tonight, and I really

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need your help, so stop being the Incredible Sulk and get down here.

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My first shift and he fired me at the drop of a hat.

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Is there no some employment law against it?

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It was a trial shift. He did explain that to you beforehand.

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But I was doing really well.

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-If Angel hadn't walked in, I'd have been fine.

-Kelly-Marie, she does live here.

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She was always going to come in at some point.

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-Can't believe that cow. First she took my husband...

-Done you a favour there.

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Then she took my brother and now she's taken my job.

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You've got to get over her.

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You're letting her eat you up inside.

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-And look what it's just cost you.

-Are you saying it's my fault now?

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Aye, it is. You left Gary with no other choice.

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Aye, it's clear whose side you're on, anyway.

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-I'm just trying to see it from both sides.

-Doesn't look like that from where I'm sitting.

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What do you want to make me feel bad about now?

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It's not that. I just wanted to explain about the wedding.

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The one you're not taking me to?

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I'm not trying to mess you around, I just...

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Just not taking me to it.

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It's complicated.

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It really isn't.

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Look, I just don't want to rub it in Kelly-Marie's face, all right.

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I'm just going to be your dirty wee secret, is that it?

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Don't use words like that! You don't know what you're talking about!

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You were being weird before Kelly-Marie found out about us.

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So using your sister as an excuse is weak.

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Weak?

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You're a grown man. Never mind what your sister thinks.

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Make your own decisions.

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Right, fine. I've decided. I'm not going.

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Oh, aye, here he comes. Casanova.

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Aye, well you weren't answering my calls,

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so I've had to come in person.

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Mate, I really need your help to get the bar ready.

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I'm up to my eyes in it here, mate.

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You've no been in, so I'm way behind.

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Don't give me that. Come on, spit out the real reason.

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You know my feelings.

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Marriage should be for ever, not for a quick buck.

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"For ever." Talk about amateur dramatics.

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The only thing that's amateur here is this wedding.

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Can you imagine marrying Zinnie this way?

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Hey. Leave Zinnie out of it.

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Oh, did that sting? I wonder why.

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Mate, for the first time in months I've got something to believe in.

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Aye, money.

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It's not about money.

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"Start-up capital", that's what you called it earlier.

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Aye, for the bar! It's given me a purpose.

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I get the bar, Cassie gets her visa. Everybody's happy.

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Wrong. I'm not happy and Ellie's not happy.

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Ah, right, so that's what this is about. Sham recognises sham.

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Watch it.

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Are you the only one allowed to throw that stone?

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-So we're meant to talk about my fake relationship, but not yours.

-I'm warning you...

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Oh, did that sting? I wonder why.

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Face it, mate, you don't want to see me happy because that'd be proof

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of how utterly miserable you are stuck with Ellie.

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What?!

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I think it's time for me to find another best man.

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Houston, we have a problem.

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Yeah, this dress needs taking in.

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No.

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The chairs?

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No, Bob. He's not coming.

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But he's the best man.

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He doesn't approve.

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Look, you and Bob can throw harpoons at each other for all I care,

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just as long as it takes place after the wedding at which he is

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fulfilling his legal duty.

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Might be a bit late for that.

0:17:200:17:22

He'll be away greeting to anybody that'll listen that it's all a sham.

0:17:220:17:25

Are you serious?

0:17:250:17:27

Angus, if the Home Office get one hint

0:17:270:17:29

that this isn't a real relationship, we could be looking at jail time.

0:17:290:17:33

Do you understand?

0:17:330:17:34

-Jail?

-Yes, jail!

0:17:340:17:36

As in, a cell, bars on the windows, cigarettes for currency.

0:17:360:17:40

But I'm too pretty to go to jail.

0:17:400:17:42

PHONE CHIMES

0:17:420:17:44

Angus.

0:17:440:17:45

Right, I'd better go and find a best man.

0:17:470:17:49

And the chairs.

0:17:490:17:50

Chairs...

0:17:500:17:52

I would have phoned earlier

0:17:550:17:56

but I just got the voicemail about some chairs you failed to deliver.

0:17:560:18:00

Well, they were supposed to be here an hour ago, y'know,

0:18:010:18:04

when I was waiting in?

0:18:040:18:06

Listen, I'm getting married tonight and I need the chairs.

0:18:080:18:11

No, I can't send my best man to pick them up.

0:18:120:18:15

Because I'm still waiting for him to be delivered as well, all right?

0:18:150:18:19

Chairs, I need chairs!

0:18:230:18:26

Calm down, what's the matter?

0:18:260:18:28

The Community Centre's shut

0:18:280:18:30

and I've got an immediate chair deficiency for the wedding.

0:18:300:18:33

Oh, so what sort of style are you looking for?

0:18:330:18:36

Any style. It doesn't matter.

0:18:360:18:37

Well, there's this one.

0:18:370:18:39

Aw, you're kidding.

0:18:390:18:41

This is the only chair we've got at the moment.

0:18:410:18:43

Well, in that case, is there any chance you could

0:18:430:18:45

ring your pals in the other charity shops?

0:18:450:18:47

They're not our pals.

0:18:470:18:49

Half of them wouldn't even know how to spell charity.

0:18:490:18:52

In it just to cherry-pick the best items.

0:18:520:18:56

I could tell you stories...

0:18:560:18:58

Look, it's for the bride.

0:18:580:19:00

She's really under pressure, she's really stressed

0:19:000:19:02

and she can't take much more today.

0:19:020:19:04

Right. Say no more.

0:19:040:19:06

Not long now.

0:19:080:19:09

I hope you've given Bob enough time to write his speech?

0:19:110:19:14

Look, I know it's a sham, you know it's a sham, and so do they.

0:19:170:19:21

But sometimes you need to let people make their own mistakes.

0:19:230:19:26

Look at the reactions we got when we said we were getting married.

0:19:260:19:29

At least we were a real couple.

0:19:290:19:31

Aye, and it didn't work out. So marriage isn't a guarantee.

0:19:310:19:34

I'm trying to be a mate and help him,

0:19:350:19:37

but he just keeps pushing me away.

0:19:370:19:40

Well, maybe he thinks he doesn't need the help.

0:19:400:19:43

I spent months trying to put him

0:19:430:19:44

back together after Zinnie died.

0:19:440:19:47

Now he's putting a torch to it.

0:19:470:19:49

I just don't want to see him getting hurt.

0:19:500:19:52

Well, if it's not real, then he cannae get hurt, can he?

0:19:520:19:55

I mean, how can they be a real couple

0:19:550:19:57

when they don't even stay together!

0:19:570:19:59

What, like you and Ellie?

0:19:590:20:01

What? No. That's different. I mean, me and Ellie, we're...

0:20:010:20:07

amazing right now.

0:20:070:20:09

Well, we will be.

0:20:100:20:11

We had an argument this morning.

0:20:150:20:17

Right.

0:20:170:20:18

Don't start.

0:20:180:20:20

No...

0:20:200:20:21

I just think maybe you need to speak to Ellie more than Angus.

0:20:220:20:25

I do, don't I?

0:20:260:20:28

Uh-huh.

0:20:280:20:28

But don't go in like a bull in a china shop.

0:20:300:20:32

She breaks easily.

0:20:320:20:33

Gently does it. You know me.

0:20:340:20:36

Aye, unfortunately I do know you.

0:20:360:20:39

THEY LAUGH

0:20:390:20:40

He's just being really weird about Angus's wedding.

0:20:450:20:49

Maybe I overreacted...

0:20:490:20:51

I'm not the best person to ask.

0:20:510:20:52

You could string a man up and set him on fire

0:20:520:20:54

and I wouldn't call it an overreaction.

0:20:540:20:56

I should apologise. Clear the air.

0:20:560:20:59

Usually, I'd say let him come to you,

0:20:590:21:01

but you're sitting here worrying yourself sick.

0:21:010:21:04

Right. I'll see if I can talk him into going to the wedding.

0:21:040:21:07

Maybe we both just need a good night.

0:21:070:21:09

That'll sort you out.

0:21:090:21:11

Aye, right.

0:21:110:21:12

Is Bob in?

0:21:200:21:21

Naw. He's at work. I think he's coming to see you.

0:21:210:21:24

Oh, is he? Funny how he hasn't phoned me or anything.

0:21:240:21:27

I'm sure he will.

0:21:270:21:28

-Sounds like you've got a lot to talk about.

-What's he said?

0:21:280:21:31

Look, Ellie, it's probably none of my business, right,

0:21:310:21:34

but you need to be patient with him.

0:21:340:21:36

-He's a bit confused about stuff the now.

-What, HE's the confused one?

0:21:360:21:39

-I'm just saying...

-Well, don't. You were right. It's none of your business.

0:21:390:21:42

Look, I know Bob. I know how his mind works.

0:21:420:21:45

Are you trying to say I don't?

0:21:450:21:46

I understand Bob just fine, Stella. He's with me now.

0:21:460:21:49

I'm well aware of that. I'm just trying to help.

0:21:490:21:51

I don't need your help. And quite frankly, neither does Bob. So just back off, all right?

0:21:510:21:55

How's my Angel?

0:22:030:22:04

She's had better days.

0:22:040:22:06

I really need that drink tonight.

0:22:060:22:08

Do you know Kelly-Marie ripped into me again earlier?

0:22:080:22:11

Yeah... On that note...

0:22:110:22:14

I was wondering if you'd consider giving her a job?

0:22:140:22:16

Are you serious?

0:22:160:22:18

You're opening that treatment room and she really needs this.

0:22:180:22:21

-Come on, do it for me, not for her.

-No, I'm sorry.

0:22:210:22:24

I have tried I don't know how many times with that woman.

0:22:240:22:26

I'm tired of it. She hates me.

0:22:260:22:28

She doesn't hate you. She just...

0:22:280:22:31

doesn't like you.

0:22:310:22:32

Yeah. So you can imagine how tense it would be around here. No, thanks.

0:22:320:22:35

She'd be a real asset to you.

0:22:350:22:37

She was the best beautician in Shieldinch, in her day.

0:22:370:22:40

Yeah, well, this isn't her day.

0:22:400:22:42

Come on, Angel, Kelly-Marie is a really good worker.

0:22:470:22:50

That's not the issue and you know it.

0:22:500:22:53

Robbie's right, she is a good worker.

0:22:540:22:57

And it might help build some bridges.

0:22:570:23:00

Look, how about this...

0:23:000:23:01

if I can get her in here to try and help smooth things over,

0:23:010:23:03

would that make a difference?

0:23:030:23:05

Right, I'll consider it. But it depends on how sincere she is.

0:23:060:23:10

Let me go and talk to her.

0:23:100:23:12

Thanks, I really appreciate it.

0:23:150:23:18

I'm not sure Kelly-Marie will.

0:23:200:23:22

SHE EXCLAIMS

0:23:270:23:28

Hey, watch out!

0:23:280:23:30

Oh, I'm sorry, did you drop the costume

0:23:300:23:32

you're wearing for your pantomime tonight?

0:23:320:23:34

Hey, you!

0:23:340:23:35

What is your problem?

0:23:360:23:38

All right, I'll tell you what my problem is.

0:23:380:23:40

You appear in a puff of smoke and rope Angus into marrying you.

0:23:400:23:43

Whoa, a couple of weeks ago, you were all about the proposal.

0:23:430:23:46

If I'm not mistaken, you even shed a tear.

0:23:460:23:48

Yeah, well, now Bob's being all weird with me

0:23:480:23:50

and it's all cos of your stupid wedding.

0:23:500:23:52

What kind of fantasy world are you living in?

0:23:520:23:54

He's been greeting his heart out to Stella

0:23:540:23:56

-about how he can't commit to me.

-And that's my fault?

0:23:560:23:58

You know, in New York we have a saying

0:23:580:24:00

whenever a girl is getting all upside her head about some dumbass.

0:24:000:24:03

And what's that?

0:24:030:24:04

"Maybe he's not that into you."

0:24:040:24:06

How dare you?!

0:24:060:24:08

Sitting around waiting for some dude to propose? Get a grip!

0:24:080:24:10

Oh, that's rich. Didn't you proposition Angus?

0:24:100:24:13

Well, here's a proposition for you -

0:24:130:24:15

why can Bob be honest with some fruitcake like Stella,

0:24:150:24:18

but he can't with you?

0:24:180:24:20

Because he is not...that...into you.

0:24:200:24:23

I hope your joke of a wedding falls apart.

0:24:230:24:26

Y-you never know!

0:24:260:24:27

Listen, Drew, it's really good of you to help me out like this.

0:24:340:24:38

I'd have had no chance of getting it ready in time.

0:24:380:24:40

Nae worries.

0:24:400:24:42

Sort of thing a best man should be doing, eh?

0:24:420:24:45

-Looks good, though.

-Cheers, man.

0:24:450:24:47

So, eh...

0:24:490:24:50

-So what age are you?

-16. How?

-Nae reason.

0:24:510:24:54

And, erm, how are you at speaking in front of crowds?

0:24:560:24:59

I done a talk for the book review in school once.

0:25:000:25:03

James And The Giant Peach.

0:25:030:25:05

Know what? Don't worry about it.

0:25:050:25:08

-Ah, just the man I wanted to see.

-AJ, what can I do for you?

0:25:080:25:11

It's more what I can do for you.

0:25:110:25:12

How would you like a free tray of tasty pork pies

0:25:120:25:15

-for consumption at your festivities?

-Aye, cheers!

0:25:150:25:18

-What's the catch?

-No catch. Just simple generosity.

0:25:180:25:20

Well, that and they're left over after an order fell through.

0:25:200:25:23

Sure, just stick them behind the bar.

0:25:230:25:25

Cheers, AJ, you're a good man.

0:25:260:25:28

Actually...

0:25:290:25:30

you're great in front of a crowd, aren't you?

0:25:300:25:32

I've seen you rock an open mic night.

0:25:320:25:34

Are you kidding me? Public speaking's my natural forte.

0:25:340:25:37

I can do Shakespeare...

0:25:370:25:39

-PLUMMY ENGLISH ACCENT:

-"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

0:25:390:25:42

"Thou art more lovely and more temperate..."

0:25:420:25:44

-What does that mean?

-Actually, I was more thinking...

0:25:440:25:46

I can do a really good Billy Connolly as well.

0:25:460:25:48

-AS BILLY CONNOLLY:

-"Brilliant! I just stepped in a JOBBY!"

0:25:480:25:52

I'm, er... I'm looking for a best man.

0:25:540:25:56

Angus...

0:25:580:26:00

I'd be honoured.

0:26:000:26:01

Thank you.

0:26:020:26:04

I don't know why you're making such a fuss.

0:26:070:26:08

And that, right there, is the problem.

0:26:080:26:10

But never mind, I'm sure Stella will be able to tell you.

0:26:100:26:13

-What's Stella got to dae with this?

-Nothing.

0:26:130:26:15

That's why I get put out and you keep rushing round to her.

0:26:150:26:17

So you've spoken to her, then?

0:26:170:26:19

No, you've spoken to her. That's my point.

0:26:190:26:21

But Stella's just... She's just a mate.

0:26:210:26:24

Aye, a mate you used to be married tae!

0:26:240:26:25

I feel like the one on the outside of your relationship to her,

0:26:250:26:28

not the other way around.

0:26:280:26:29

Why are you giving me so much aggro the day?

0:26:290:26:31

-You know what I'm going through!

-What YOU'RE going through?

0:26:310:26:34

So this isn't something that's happening to both of us?

0:26:340:26:36

Look, your problem with Stella is exactly that - YOUR problem.

0:26:360:26:39

She's done nothing wrong.

0:26:390:26:41

Bob, do you understand how it makes me feel

0:26:410:26:43

hearing you defend her all the time?

0:26:430:26:45

I'll defend whoever's in the right.

0:26:450:26:46

-Meaning I'm in the wrong?

-That's not what I meant!

0:26:460:26:48

Do you know, Cassie got it spot-on.

0:26:480:26:50

Maybe you're not that into me.

0:26:500:26:51

Cassie?

0:26:510:26:53

What are you talking to her about it for?

0:26:530:26:55

Actually, do you know what? I don't even want to talk to you any more.

0:26:550:26:58

-Ellie, listen...

-Save it.

0:26:580:26:59

HE EXHALES

0:26:590:27:02

No way! What, are you taking the mick?

0:27:020:27:04

Look, you said it yourself, there's not much out there.

0:27:040:27:07

You just want me and Angel to play happy in the sandbox,

0:27:070:27:09

cos it suits you to be pals with everybody.

0:27:090:27:11

I've got bigger things to be thinking about

0:27:110:27:13

-than making your life easier.

-That's not what's going on!

0:27:130:27:16

I hate seeing you like this!

0:27:160:27:18

You've got to have a...

0:27:190:27:21

a purpose, a reason to get up in the morning.

0:27:210:27:23

Is a new baby a good reason enough for you?

0:27:230:27:25

-Kelly, David isn't here any more.

-I'm no' talking about David.

0:27:250:27:29

Hang on. Are you...?

0:27:290:27:30

Oh, my God, Kelly!

0:27:320:27:33

H-how?

0:27:330:27:36

W-who?!

0:27:360:27:38

-It's not Alex, is it?

-Of course it's not Alex.

0:27:380:27:40

It's Gabriel's. HE GASPS

0:27:420:27:44

Wow.

0:27:440:27:46

-Does Gabriel know?

-No, no-one does.

0:27:470:27:48

And I want it to stay that way.

0:27:480:27:50

What about your mum? She'll figure it out. She's no daft.

0:27:500:27:52

I'll just deal with that closer to the time.

0:27:520:27:56

I'm still trying to get my head round all this. I mean...

0:27:560:27:59

It's so soon after David.

0:27:590:28:00

What you need is something to take your mind off all of this

0:28:030:28:06

and, luckily for you, I know just the guy for the job.

0:28:060:28:09

Have we come to the right place?

0:28:130:28:14

Aw, Liz. HE CHUCKLES

0:28:160:28:19

-See if this falls through tonight, I will happily marry you.

-Oh!

0:28:200:28:24

Away ye go!

0:28:240:28:25

Cheers, lads.

0:28:260:28:28

AJ, your first duty as best man...

0:28:280:28:31

is to help me organise these chairs.

0:28:310:28:34

So what's next on the list?

0:28:340:28:36

If the Home Office come calling, throw them a dummy.

0:28:360:28:39

Home Office? Wait a minute. Is this wedding totally legit?

0:28:390:28:44

Well, kind of.

0:28:440:28:45

Me and Cassie have come to a wee arrangement

0:28:450:28:47

-so that she can stay in the country.

-Right.

0:28:470:28:49

See, it's not really my style to aid and assist people

0:28:490:28:52

-in breaking the law.

-We're not breaking it.

0:28:520:28:55

We're refurbishing it.

0:28:550:28:56

All the same, I'd rather comport my best man at a genuine wedding,

0:28:560:28:59

so if you don't mind...

0:28:590:29:00

-So you're not coming?

-Certainly not.

0:29:020:29:04

-There's a free bar.

-Well, only the first drink's free.

0:29:040:29:08

Then no.

0:29:080:29:09

HE SIGHS

0:29:090:29:11

Dad, can we go? Please?

0:29:180:29:21

You said you'd cover the bar,

0:29:210:29:22

so if you get this, will you call me immediately?

0:29:220:29:25

If not, then...

0:29:250:29:27

..thanks for letting us down.

0:29:280:29:30

Erm, same again?

0:29:310:29:33

Dad, the meeting starts in half an hour.

0:29:330:29:35

I know, I know. I'll...I'll find someone else.

0:29:350:29:38

Hi, it's me.

0:29:450:29:47

I need a really big favour.

0:29:490:29:51

Now.

0:29:510:29:52

Is this more to your taste?

0:30:080:30:10

It's attracting me.

0:30:100:30:12

Thank God something is.

0:30:120:30:14

Do we have a best man?

0:30:140:30:15

We did, then we didn't, so we don't.

0:30:150:30:17

So it is bad luck for the bride and groom to see each other on the day.

0:30:180:30:22

You never know, Bob might still show.

0:30:220:30:24

I don't think that's very likely.

0:30:240:30:26

Not after I laid it out to that dumb blonde Ellie.

0:30:270:30:31

"He's not that into you."

0:30:330:30:35

Aw, man, you shouldn't have got involved!

0:30:350:30:37

You need to apologise to him.

0:30:370:30:39

Yeah, I probably do, don't I?

0:30:390:30:41

Which is why you're going to do it.

0:30:430:30:46

-Me?

-You're his friend.

0:30:460:30:47

You know how to speak that grunt language of his.

0:30:470:30:49

So it's bad enough that I have to clean up this mess -

0:30:490:30:52

now I have to clean up yours?

0:30:520:30:53

Just get him here.

0:30:530:30:54

HE SIGHS

0:30:560:30:57

Don't speak to anybody else while I'm gone!

0:30:570:31:00

See? I told you. Everybody feels better once they've had their hair done.

0:31:120:31:15

Thanks, Robbie. You're a wizard.

0:31:150:31:17

-IN CALIFORNIAN ACCENT:

-"Because you're worth it."

0:31:170:31:19

I do look like I could be going to a premiere, don't I?

0:31:190:31:21

Well, there is that wedding at the pop-up bar tonight.

0:31:210:31:24

Want to be my plus one? And a half.

0:31:240:31:26

I'm not sure if I'm ready for all that yet.

0:31:260:31:28

-And I'm getting pretty tired these days.

-No wonder.

0:31:280:31:31

Building a wean fair takes it out you,

0:31:310:31:33

-or so I'm told.

-DOOR OPENS

0:31:330:31:34

Listen, promise me you won't tell anyone, no' yet.

0:31:340:31:36

Mum's the word. Or not.

0:31:360:31:38

Did somebody say "Mum"?

0:31:380:31:40

Taking my name in vain.

0:31:400:31:41

Robbie, you never telt me Katy Perry was coming round!

0:31:420:31:45

-Aw, behave yourself.

-Aye, you're right.

0:31:450:31:47

She's no' got nothing on you.

0:31:470:31:49

-You look lovely. Are you going to this wedding tonight?

-Naw!

0:31:490:31:52

You look gorgeous.

0:31:520:31:54

You cannae waste it on a night in with me.

0:31:540:31:55

I'll watch Callum. You go out and enjoy yourself.

0:31:550:31:58

-You deserve it.

-Amen to that.

0:31:580:32:00

Right, I'll think about it.

0:32:000:32:02

I do scrub up all right, don't I?

0:32:030:32:05

-You're a good man, Robbie.

-One tries!

0:32:050:32:08

Gary's very lucky.

0:32:080:32:09

Aye, he certainly is. Oh, my God!

0:32:090:32:11

-Five missed calls.

-What is it? What's happened?

0:32:140:32:16

I was meant to be looking after the bar for him.

0:32:160:32:18

-You'd better go!

-He's going to kill me.

0:32:180:32:19

A peach schnapps and lemonade? That to drink with your play-piece?

0:32:230:32:26

Come back to me when you've got some hair on your face.

0:32:260:32:29

How long were you in that toilet for, missus?

0:32:320:32:35

Vindaloo last night?

0:32:350:32:37

Well, as long as you washed your hands.

0:32:370:32:39

-Is Gary...?

-Aye, he's just back from the school with Jenny.

0:32:420:32:45

Where were you skiving off to?

0:32:450:32:46

Hurricane Adams pure blew me down the street. Is he mad?

0:32:460:32:50

You know Gary. He doesnae get mad.

0:32:500:32:51

He just goes silent and lets you know how disappointed in you he is.

0:32:510:32:55

That's even worse.

0:32:550:32:56

-He's going to make curtains out of your skin.

-Oh, God!

0:32:560:32:59

Hi! Did everything go all right today?

0:33:010:33:04

Oh, no, what happened?

0:33:070:33:08

It turned out fine.

0:33:080:33:09

The school says they'll represent me to the exam board.

0:33:090:33:12

That's great!

0:33:120:33:14

-Well done.

-Thank you.

0:33:140:33:16

No, don't thank him.

0:33:160:33:18

I really needed you today, Robbie. So did Jenny and...

0:33:190:33:22

..you let us both down.

0:33:230:33:24

I know, I just got caught up with Kelly-Marie.

0:33:240:33:27

She's a bit fragile since she lost her job here.

0:33:270:33:30

Well, it's clear where your priorities are.

0:33:300:33:33

-Sorry.

-It's not me you should be apologising to.

0:33:330:33:36

Sorry, Jenny.

0:33:360:33:37

The more you give, Robbie, the more she'll take.

0:33:420:33:45

It won't happen again!

0:33:450:33:47

I'll...put Kelly-Marie on the back burner for a while.

0:33:470:33:50

How's that?

0:33:500:33:52

BOB SIGHS

0:34:010:34:03

Listen, things have got way out of hand and I just...

0:34:030:34:07

I just want you there the night, all right?

0:34:070:34:09

A bit late for that. Not after Cassie poisoned Ellie against me.

0:34:090:34:12

Aye, cos you two were getting on just fine up till then.

0:34:120:34:14

It's nothing I couldn't have sorted out,

0:34:140:34:16

but Cassie had to open her big mouth.

0:34:160:34:18

-But that's what she does, isn't it?

-Right, that is enough.

0:34:180:34:20

She's making you dance about like a daftie.

0:34:200:34:23

-Now she's set Ellie on a crusade against me.

-Exactly.

0:34:230:34:26

Your problem is with Ellie, not me.

0:34:260:34:29

Cassie's a decent person that just wants to stay in this country.

0:34:290:34:31

You're letting her come between us.

0:34:310:34:33

You've just met her and suddenly it's like I don't matter.

0:34:330:34:36

All I'm hearing from you is jealousy and spite.

0:34:360:34:38

Oh, is that what you think of me, then, aye?

0:34:380:34:40

No.

0:34:400:34:42

Here's what I think of you - you're petty and small.

0:34:420:34:46

You're an angry wee man that gets eaten up inside

0:34:460:34:48

-at other people's happiness.

-Is that so?

0:34:480:34:51

Well, if you think that little of me,

0:34:510:34:53

maybe I'll just give the Home Office a wee phone.

0:34:530:34:55

-You wouldn't dae that.

-Somebody has to stop her.

0:34:550:34:57

-Go, then.

-What?

-Go. Phone them.

0:34:580:35:01

I want to see you dae it.

0:35:020:35:03

I want to see what kind of man you are.

0:35:030:35:05

All right, then, I will.

0:35:070:35:09

HE DIALS

0:35:090:35:11

Hello, can I have the number for the UK Home Office, please?

0:35:160:35:19

Aye, just put me straight through.

0:35:210:35:25

Department of Immigration, please.

0:35:250:35:27

Aye, hello, I just want to report a fake wedding.

0:35:290:35:33

Unbelievable.

0:35:330:35:34

Aye, it's taking place in Glasgow this evening.

0:35:350:35:39

Aye, I'll hold.

0:35:390:35:40

You know what?

0:35:410:35:43

I'll sue you for the five grand.

0:35:430:35:45

-BOB SCOFFS

-How American.

0:35:450:35:46

I don't know if I want to do this pre-wedding drinks thing

0:35:550:35:57

with you and Angel.

0:35:570:35:59

I mean, what if you don't show up?

0:35:590:36:01

Ha-ha(!)

0:36:010:36:02

-SHE KNOCKS

-Hiya.

0:36:020:36:04

Hey. Jenny said I could come straight up. Is that all right?

0:36:040:36:07

Aye, you're here now, so I suppose it'll need to be.

0:36:070:36:10

Look, Gary, don't blame Robbie for what happened - it was my fault.

0:36:100:36:14

I needed him.

0:36:150:36:17

What did you need him for?

0:36:170:36:18

To shake the can of hairspray?

0:36:180:36:21

He was just being a friend.

0:36:210:36:23

It's me, I just...

0:36:230:36:24

..need looking after.

0:36:250:36:26

It's been a trying day for us all, let's just put it down to that.

0:36:280:36:32

Do you know what would make this situation 100 times better?

0:36:330:36:36

A wedding!

0:36:360:36:37

-I'm still not sure about that.

-Come on!

0:36:370:36:40

Me and Gary are going to go for pre-wedding drinks at Angel's flat.

0:36:400:36:43

-Don't you mean your flat?

-No.

0:36:430:36:45

I've, erm...

0:36:450:36:47

I moved in here with Gary.

0:36:470:36:48

-I was going to tell you...

-But you didnae.

0:36:480:36:52

So, I don't really feel like going to "Angel's" flat.

0:36:520:36:56

Look, you're my friend, she's my friend.

0:36:560:36:59

I cannae be exclusive to any one of you, that's not fair.

0:36:590:37:02

-Don't make me choose again.

-I think you already have.

-Kelly!

0:37:020:37:06

Ooft! Watch yourself, that rain cloud over your heid

0:37:110:37:13

is going to get the wean wet.

0:37:130:37:14

I'm scunnered with all this nonsense with Angus.

0:37:140:37:17

He thinks he's "turning a corner". Aye, straight into a bus lane.

0:37:170:37:19

Are yous two still arguing about this?

0:37:190:37:21

It's went a bit beyond an argument.

0:37:210:37:23

How, what happened?

0:37:230:37:25

He's raging because I phoned the Home Office.

0:37:250:37:28

-You did whit?!

-Don't you start, eh?

0:37:280:37:30

He's the one that's screwing everything up, no' me!

0:37:300:37:33

I thought he said he'd always be there for me.

0:37:340:37:36

-Aye, but...

-No, but Angel rings the bell and he goes running to her.

0:37:360:37:39

After me going over there to bail him out an' all!

0:37:390:37:41

Maybe he was just thinking...

0:37:410:37:42

Do you know, Gary would still no' be talking to him,

0:37:420:37:45

-but I ask him to skip drinks with Angel...

-Kelly-Marie!

0:37:450:37:47

Every time that woman's name comes up,

0:37:470:37:49

a Tasmanian devil comes out of you.

0:37:490:37:51

So you're taking her side now?

0:37:510:37:52

Of course not, but she made a mistake.

0:37:520:37:54

-Folk deserve a second chance.

-A second chance?

0:37:540:37:57

That's what I gave Alex,

0:37:570:37:58

and then when my back's turned, he jumps into bed with that tramp.

0:37:580:38:01

Alex uses folk.

0:38:010:38:03

He did it to you and, for all we know, he did it to her.

0:38:030:38:05

If you want Robbie in your life,

0:38:050:38:07

you're going to have to forgive Angel.

0:38:070:38:09

I don't know if I can.

0:38:090:38:10

For so long, hating her is the only thing I've been able to feel.

0:38:110:38:15

See without that, I've nothing.

0:38:160:38:18

-I'm just empty.

-Kelly...

0:38:190:38:21

..you've got me, you've got Callum, you've got the whole family.

0:38:220:38:26

And soon enough, you're going to have another wee one to think about.

0:38:270:38:31

How did you know?

0:38:310:38:32

Did Robbie say something?

0:38:320:38:34

I guessed a few weeks ago, darling.

0:38:340:38:36

Mammies know they things.

0:38:360:38:37

Oh, Mum, what am I going to dae?

0:38:390:38:41

After David, I-I don't know if I can handle this.

0:38:440:38:47

Of course you can.

0:38:470:38:48

I'll be with you every step of the way.

0:38:480:38:51

Now, this wee baby needs you to be strong,

0:38:510:38:54

so you need to sort your heid out.

0:38:540:38:56

Don't be wasting your time on stuff that just doesnae matter.

0:38:560:38:59

You can't have any bad blood hanging over you, Kelly.

0:38:590:39:02

Robbie is your best pal and you're going to need him,

0:39:020:39:06

so you need to bury the hatchet with Angel.

0:39:060:39:08

And I don't mean in her skull.

0:39:080:39:10

Everything's going to be all right, darling. I promise you.

0:39:120:39:16

"It's great that you are all here today,

0:39:220:39:25

"which is why it is especially sad that..."

0:39:250:39:27

HE SIGHS

0:39:290:39:30

"It is with immense sorrow and deep regret that I announce..."

0:39:320:39:35

"All right, everybody, the wedding's off.

0:39:420:39:45

"Beat it."

0:39:450:39:46

HE SIGHS

0:39:500:39:51

Ta-da!

0:39:510:39:53

Awww!

0:39:530:39:55

It's weird, it's almost like it could actually happen.

0:39:560:40:00

You'd better hope it happens!

0:40:000:40:02

Yeah, it is what it is, right? It's an arrangement, whatever,

0:40:020:40:04

but still, as soon as you're into that wedding dress...

0:40:040:40:08

it's serious.

0:40:080:40:09

-You look amazing.

-Thank you!

0:40:100:40:12

Are you crying?

0:40:140:40:15

-No, I'm fine, don't be daft.

-What's wrong?

0:40:150:40:17

It's Patrick.

0:40:190:40:21

One minute, I think we're fine,

0:40:240:40:25

the next, he's refusing to be near me.

0:40:250:40:28

"Want to hang out?" "No." "OK, see ya."

0:40:280:40:31

That's how you deal with it.

0:40:310:40:32

But I really like him.

0:40:320:40:34

What is it with Scottish women?

0:40:340:40:36

You just don't get it.

0:40:360:40:38

Dump his ass.

0:40:380:40:39

Then you'll find out how committed he is.

0:40:390:40:41

I don't want to dump him.

0:40:410:40:42

Well, then, shut up about it.

0:40:420:40:44

SHE CHUCKLES

0:40:450:40:47

Am I too blunt? Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm too blunt.

0:40:500:40:54

You are.

0:40:540:40:55

But you're also right.

0:40:550:40:57

You know it.

0:40:570:40:58

Mmm-hmm!

0:40:580:41:00

So, you're feeling better?

0:41:020:41:03

I have good days and bad days.

0:41:030:41:05

On the good days, I think I'm lucky to be alive.

0:41:060:41:09

On the bad ones...

0:41:100:41:12

I wish I wasn't.

0:41:120:41:13

Oh, never mind old misery guts and his ailments.

0:41:160:41:20

At your age, I'd have been rolling my eyes.

0:41:200:41:23

Don't be daft, I'm just glad you're all right.

0:41:230:41:25

That's very kind of you, Patrick,

0:41:250:41:27

but I'm sure you must have better things to do with your time.

0:41:270:41:30

Not at all.

0:41:300:41:31

I've got nothing on, I'm free all night.

0:41:330:41:35

Right,

0:41:390:41:40

let's take a look at these photies,

0:41:400:41:42

just to see how dull my life is in comparison.

0:41:420:41:45

Ah, that was me with an old friend of mine.

0:41:460:41:50

Haven't spoken to him in 30 years.

0:41:500:41:52

My God, he might even be dead by now.

0:41:520:41:54

Just think, before photos... people just...

0:41:550:41:59

forgot things that happened to them.

0:41:590:42:01

Memories just...

0:42:010:42:03

..disappeared, like the past never happened.

0:42:040:42:06

-Sometimes I think that's better.

-Something on your mind, Patrick?

0:42:090:42:13

Ach, just...

0:42:150:42:16

..the time I spent in care.

0:42:180:42:20

It never leaves you.

0:42:220:42:23

I wish I could just...

0:42:260:42:27

-..erase everything up here.

-But things are better for you now.

0:42:280:42:32

I've seen you stepping out with Angel.

0:42:320:42:35

-Aye, she's something.

-She's more than something.

0:42:350:42:38

Listen, I've been a selfish man all my life, Patrick.

0:42:390:42:43

Always out for myself.

0:42:430:42:46

But that heart attack was karma, divine justice.

0:42:460:42:49

Don't be daft.

0:42:490:42:51

It's because I left you on your own in the gym.

0:42:510:42:53

No other reason.

0:42:530:42:54

I woke up having touched the face of death.

0:42:540:42:57

Every mistake I've ever made is now clear to me.

0:42:590:43:02

-I know how that feels.

-Then listen to me, son.

0:43:040:43:07

Life needs to be about other people.

0:43:080:43:12

That's what counts.

0:43:120:43:13

-Ooh, that hits the spot.

-SHE CHUCKLES

0:43:180:43:20

Is Patrick coming round or are we just going to meet him there?

0:43:200:43:23

He's probably just finishing up getting ready.

0:43:230:43:25

Just...maybe we give him five minutes?

0:43:250:43:28

Och, I'm sure he'll be here soon.

0:43:280:43:30

Well, if he isn't, I'll wait.

0:43:300:43:34

No sense in all of us turning up to a wedding fashionably late.

0:43:340:43:37

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-As if by magic!

0:43:370:43:39

HE MOUTHS SILENTLY

0:43:430:43:44

-Oh, it's you.

-Can I come in?

0:43:480:43:50

Please?

0:43:520:43:53

Right.

0:43:580:43:59

Hey.

0:44:020:44:04

Erm, I was just wondering if I could join yous.

0:44:040:44:07

Of course you can.

0:44:070:44:09

I knew you wouldn't let that hairdo go to waste.

0:44:090:44:12

I'll get you a drink. What are you having?

0:44:120:44:15

Orange juice, please.

0:44:150:44:16

I'm pacing myself.

0:44:160:44:18

Very wise. I should be doing the same but I'm no'.

0:44:180:44:22

More wine, please! Ha-ha!

0:44:220:44:24

I'll go and...help him pour that wine.

0:44:260:44:28

So, is-is Patrick coming?

0:44:330:44:34

You'd think.

0:44:370:44:38

Well, I'm sure he's on his way.

0:44:380:44:40

Yeah.

0:44:410:44:42

-Listen, Angel...

-Save it.

0:44:460:44:48

You can chuck me out of the Tall Ship, but not out of my own flat.

0:44:490:44:52

ROMANTIC MUSIC

0:44:570:44:59

-GUESTS:

-Aww!

-APPLAUSE

0:45:000:45:02

You look amazing.

0:45:120:45:14

That's the first time you've said something romantic to me

0:45:140:45:16

as though you meant it.

0:45:160:45:18

That's because I do mean it.

0:45:180:45:19

Well, we've got the bride, the groom, the guests, the venue,

0:45:220:45:25

the registrar.

0:45:250:45:26

The dress.

0:45:260:45:27

There's a "but" coming, isn't there?

0:45:290:45:31

But we don't have the best man.

0:45:310:45:34

It's worse than that.

0:45:340:45:35

Bob phoned the Home Office.

0:45:360:45:38

(He did what?!)

0:45:390:45:41

(Are they coming here?)

0:45:410:45:43

I would imagine so.

0:45:430:45:44

Who's that dude?

0:45:460:45:48

Who?

0:45:480:45:49

I don't recognise him.

0:45:540:45:55

He sure is asking plenty of questions.

0:45:550:45:58

What if that's them?

0:45:580:45:59

-Maybe one of the guests brought him along?

-Aye, maybe.

0:46:000:46:03

It was a fairly open invite.

0:46:030:46:04

There's nothing we can do now.

0:46:060:46:08

-We've just got to put our game faces on and get married.

-No.

0:46:080:46:11

We can't go through with this.

0:46:130:46:15

Hi, Robbie.

0:46:170:46:18

Yeah, that's me on my way.

0:46:180:46:20

No...just me.

0:46:200:46:22

Shall we?

0:46:330:46:34

I thought you'd never ask.

0:46:360:46:37

-This is great!

-Hiya!

0:46:480:46:51

Thanks for coming.

0:46:510:46:52

Ooh, very chic. I like it.

0:46:520:46:55

-I've got an eye for good design.

-Angus, you look so smart.

0:46:550:46:58

-I might have a tear in my eye later.

-So will I, when I get the bill!

0:46:580:47:02

My brother being fashionably late, as usual?

0:47:020:47:04

That's one way to put it, aye.

0:47:040:47:06

Just what you need from your best man, eh?

0:47:060:47:08

-Shall we get a drink?

-Aye.

0:47:080:47:09

I don't care what you say, we are going through with this.

0:47:160:47:19

I am not letting some government bureaucrat spoil my big day.

0:47:190:47:22

And I'm not ending up in the slammer

0:47:220:47:23

so you can twirl about in your frock.

0:47:230:47:26

Hey, we had a deal.

0:47:260:47:28

-A wedding was part of that deal.

-I'm sorry...

0:47:280:47:30

..it's not happening.

0:47:320:47:33

Can I have everyone's attention, please?

0:47:380:47:40

Thank you all so much for coming out at such short notice today.

0:47:420:47:45

It really means a lot to Cassie and myself.

0:47:450:47:48

-And doesn't she look gorgeous?

-Yes.

-She certainly does.

0:47:480:47:52

Now, it really was important to us

0:47:520:47:55

that we had a really great turnout for today,

0:47:550:47:57

of all the best people,

0:47:570:47:59

for the opening of this new pop-up bar.

0:47:590:48:01

I wanted it to be really special.

0:48:020:48:04

We both did.

0:48:040:48:06

So that's why we decided to have our "pop-up" wedding here as well.

0:48:070:48:10

But...unfortunately,

0:48:120:48:15

I'm afraid I'm going to have to...

0:48:150:48:16

Call this a wedding?

0:48:160:48:18

It's not a wedding till the best man's here.

0:48:180:48:21

GUESTS MUTTER

0:48:210:48:23

-You've got some nerve showing up here.

-Listen, mate,

0:48:250:48:27

all this with Ellie, it's been eating away at me.

0:48:270:48:29

I couldn't think straight.

0:48:290:48:31

That's all well and good, but what about the Home Office coming down?

0:48:310:48:33

I couldn't do it, mate.

0:48:330:48:35

They tried to phone me back to get the details,

0:48:350:48:37

but I just never lifted the phone.

0:48:370:48:40

What do you want, the Victoria Cross?

0:48:400:48:42

-I needed you the day and you put me through hell.

-I know.

0:48:420:48:45

-I was just angry at you.

-For what?

0:48:450:48:47

Following my dreams or trying to be happy?

0:48:480:48:51

To be honest, aye.

0:48:510:48:53

I don't need to agree with your decision, but I need to respect it.

0:48:530:48:56

Forget about Ellie, forget about Cassie.

0:48:560:48:58

I just couldnae bear the thought of losing you.

0:48:590:49:01

Aye, don't break into song.

0:49:010:49:03

I'll tell you, Bob, you are really hard work at times.

0:49:050:49:08

But you're still my pal.

0:49:120:49:14

-So, if you don't mind, can I get married now?

-Aye.

0:49:140:49:17

We are gathered together

0:49:210:49:22

to witness the formal joining of Cassie and Angus.

0:49:220:49:25

I, Angus Peter Lindsay...

0:49:340:49:37

..take you, Cassie Andrea Evans, to be my lawfully-wedded wife.

0:49:380:49:43

I, Cassie Andrea Evans,

0:49:510:49:54

take you, Angus Peter Lindsay, to be my lawfully-wedded husband.

0:49:540:50:01

# Come sail your ships around me

0:50:010:50:05

# And burn your bridges down

0:50:070:50:11

# We make a little history, baby

0:50:140:50:18

# Every time you come around

0:50:200:50:24

# Come loose your dogs upon me

0:50:280:50:32

# And let your hair hang down WHOOPING

0:50:350:50:38

# You are a little mystery to me... #

0:50:410:50:46

DANCE MUSIC, CHATTER

0:50:480:50:50

INDISTINCT CHATTER

0:51:000:51:03

I'll get it.

0:51:050:51:07

Excuse me, mate, can I have another glass of champagne?

0:51:070:51:09

Turned out all right, didn't it?

0:51:090:51:11

For a sham wedding you were boycotting.

0:51:110:51:13

I'm glad I came.

0:51:140:51:16

I'm glad you did too.

0:51:160:51:17

-Do you want a drink?

-Yeah.

0:51:190:51:22

What do you want?

0:51:220:51:24

You decide.

0:51:240:51:25

Pint of heavy it is, then.

0:51:260:51:28

Look, if you're going to give me

0:51:500:51:52

the big speech about how I'd better not hurt your brother, just save it.

0:51:520:51:55

Naw, I wisnae going to say that.

0:51:550:51:58

What I was going to say is that it's good to see him smiling

0:51:580:52:01

and happy for once.

0:52:010:52:03

Right.

0:52:030:52:04

Sorry.

0:52:060:52:07

You really like him, don't you?

0:52:090:52:11

I really do.

0:52:130:52:15

Kelly-Marie, if I could change everything

0:52:180:52:20

that happened between Alex and me, I would,

0:52:200:52:21

-but I can't...

-Angel, listen,

0:52:210:52:24

we're never going to be close friends.

0:52:240:52:26

But I need to be able to wake up in the morning

0:52:260:52:28

and not hate you, or else I'm finished.

0:52:280:52:30

So...

0:52:320:52:33

..forgive me for not forgiving you.

0:52:360:52:38

Please.

0:52:410:52:42

-CHUCKLING:

-I've been waiting a long time for you to say that.

0:52:460:52:49

And the job in the treatment room is yours.

0:52:520:52:55

If you want it.

0:52:550:52:56

Oh, aye, what's going on here?

0:52:590:53:01

The Berlin Wall come down again?

0:53:010:53:03

Come here, you.

0:53:040:53:05

Right, you better not hurt him!

0:53:100:53:12

MUSIC: Over And Over by Hot Chip

0:53:160:53:19

Ah, Mrs Lindsay.

0:53:250:53:28

How are you this evening?

0:53:280:53:30

Mrs Lindsay?

0:53:300:53:32

I'll tell you what,

0:53:320:53:33

you can call me that if the Home Office is around, but only then.

0:53:330:53:37

Fair enough.

0:53:370:53:38

How about "my darling cherry blossom"?

0:53:380:53:42

-Yuck!

-Mmm!

0:53:420:53:44

Well, I wouldn't exactly say it went off without a hitch,

0:53:450:53:50

but it went off.

0:53:500:53:51

Oh, there was a hitch.

0:53:510:53:53

We got married!

0:53:530:53:55

And opened a bar!

0:53:550:53:57

Well, it might have opened, but it's still got to launch.

0:53:580:54:01

This is going to be a long night.

0:54:030:54:05

Yeah, our idea worked.

0:54:050:54:07

-Oh, so it's OUR idea now, is it?

-Exactly.

0:54:070:54:10

When it works, it's our idea,

0:54:100:54:11

and, if it doesn't work, it's your idea.

0:54:110:54:14

So here's another idea.

0:54:140:54:16

How about we kiss again in front of all these people?

0:54:160:54:18

For the Home Office?

0:54:180:54:20

Just to keep up appearances.

0:54:200:54:21

-GUESTS:

-Whoo-hoo-hoo!

0:54:250:54:28

So was that my idea, or our idea?

0:54:330:54:37

I can't remember.

0:54:370:54:38

I've been thinking...

0:54:410:54:42

wouldn't it look weird if we left here and went to different beds?

0:54:420:54:45

SHE CHORTLES

0:54:450:54:47

Don't push it.

0:54:470:54:48

-A dance instead?

-A dance is fine.

0:54:490:54:52

I'll pretend like I'm enjoying it.

0:54:520:54:54

MUSIC: Galvanize by The Chemical Brothers

0:54:570:55:00

-Tune!

-Hee-hee!

0:55:010:55:04

Listen, I'm really sorry the way I've been recently.

0:55:060:55:09

It's forgotten. Don't worry about it.

0:55:090:55:11

Do you know what?

0:55:120:55:14

I think this could be a fresh start for me.

0:55:140:55:16

In mair ways than one.

0:55:160:55:18

If you need anything, I'm here.

0:55:180:55:20

Just fire up the Bat-Signal and I'll come running in my cape.

0:55:200:55:23

I'm so proud of you.

0:55:230:55:24

I couldn't have done it without you.

0:55:240:55:26

-Know what else you couldn't do without me?

-Whit?

0:55:260:55:28

This! Whoo!

0:55:280:55:30

Whoohoo!

0:55:300:55:31

Do you know what? It was actually quite romantic, wasn't it?

0:55:350:55:38

See? I telt ye, you don't know what's real and what's no'.

0:55:380:55:41

Still trying to work it out.

0:55:410:55:42

I'm gonnae get another drink. Ye want anything?

0:55:420:55:44

Eh, just a glass of water.

0:55:440:55:46

-Cheap date.

-Mm-hm.

0:55:460:55:47

Can I have a word?

0:55:550:55:57

Aye, of course you can.

0:55:570:55:58

-What's up?

-Look, you know exactly what you're doing, don't you?

0:56:020:56:06

Excuse me?

0:56:060:56:07

You can't just pick Bob up and put him back down again like a toy.

0:56:070:56:10

What you're doing to him isn't fair.

0:56:100:56:13

Ellie, Bob's a grown man, he can talk to who he wants.

0:56:130:56:16

Bob's a nice guy. He's letting you live in his flat.

0:56:160:56:19

He'd never see you and the baby out in the street.

0:56:190:56:21

That's why, if you're not actually in love with him,

0:56:210:56:23

-you need to back away.

-Do you actually realise

0:56:230:56:26

how paranoid and insecure you sound?

0:56:260:56:28

Maybe if you got your heid together,

0:56:280:56:30

then he wouldn't need to come to me for advice.

0:56:300:56:32

-Oh, here he is! Hugh Hefner.

-What's going on?

-Do you know, Bob,

0:56:320:56:35

I've been asking myself exactly the same thing.

0:56:350:56:37

She's got it into her head that I'm leading you on.

0:56:370:56:39

-Whoa. Ellie, you've got it all wrong.

-Really?

0:56:390:56:41

And yet here you are with her, and not with me.

0:56:410:56:44

You wouldnae talk to me!

0:56:440:56:45

All I was trying to do was get you to see things more clearly.

0:56:450:56:48

Oh, I can see clearly enough.

0:56:480:56:49

In fact, my eyes are wide open.

0:56:490:56:51

See seeing as you're the one he keeps coming to for advice,

0:56:510:56:54

he's your responsibility.

0:56:540:56:55

Wait a wee minute, Ellie. What exactly are you saying?

0:56:550:56:57

I'm saying if you want a wee dog, Stella, you can feed him

0:56:570:56:59

-and take him out for walks.

-STELLA GUFFAWS

0:56:590:57:01

I'm done.

0:57:010:57:02

Ellie!

0:57:020:57:05

STELLA SIGHS

0:57:050:57:06

Well...

0:57:060:57:07

..that's that, then.

0:57:090:57:10

Is she actually for real?

0:57:100:57:12

She actually thinks that we're up to something.

0:57:120:57:15

I know! It's ridiculous.

0:57:150:57:16

It's not like we even got on that well half the time

0:57:170:57:19

when we were together.

0:57:190:57:22

I know. All that arguing.

0:57:220:57:23

All that fighting.

0:57:230:57:25

-Where did that leave us, eh?

-Exactly.

0:57:280:57:31

We're baith still miserable.

0:57:310:57:33

And alone.

0:57:350:57:36

MUSIC: Blame It On Me by George Ezra

0:57:360:57:39

# What you waiting for

0:57:420:57:44

# Now, what you waiting for?

0:57:440:57:47

# What you waiting for

0:57:480:57:51

# Now, what you waiting for? #

0:57:510:57:54

-I can explain.

-I think you'd better.

0:57:560:57:59

It's not true, I wasn't involved.

0:57:590:58:02

So why does she keep persecuting you, then?

0:58:020:58:05

As if I would ever do such a thing.

0:58:050:58:07

If I was guilty of anything, it was of turning a blind eye.

0:58:070:58:09

Why don't you just do what you did the last time and kick me out,

0:58:090:58:12

you heartless cow? This is all your fault. ALL OF IT!

0:58:120:58:14

You sit there, playing the victim like some doddering old man!

0:58:140:58:17

Talking about suffering, but you've got nae idea!

0:58:170:58:20

Do you want know what suffering is, dae ye?!

0:58:200:58:22

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