15/06/2016 River City

Sorry for skipping out on you this morning.

-I'm not normally that guy.

-Don't worry about it.

-So how long are you away for?

-At least a year. Maybe more.

Just wondering if that offer's still open.

Give this place a chance, you might be happy here one day.

I'm beginning to think that we won't be happy anywhere.

-What are you saying?

-That we're having an affair, Alex.

Please stay. I cannae leave Angus on his own.

Angus is fine on his own, it's Stella you don't want to leave.

You either look forward or you look back. It's your choice, mate.

-It's not here. I'm going to have to go without it.

-Calm down, it's only a sock.

-Calm?

-I need to get my entire life rammed into one bag before tonight.

-Breathe.

-I am!

OK, well, try breathing less like an asthmatic greyhound

and more like a...

That's better.

-Now. You've plenty of time.

-Have I?

-No.

But having a full-on whitey isn't helping.

-I'm not very good in a crisis.

-Well, luckily for you, I am.

-I will make sure you get on that plane.

-Wanting rid of me, are you?

I can't believe this time tomorrow I'll be rollerblading down Ocean Beach.

Assuming I can rollerblade.

-I wish I was coming with you.

-Do it!

Book your flight. Fill a bag.

By tonight we could be sitting in our complimentary eye-masks

and necking the free miniatures.

-I can't leave Jenny.

-I know, I know. I'm just being...

-In an ideal world and all that.

-Yeah. An ideal world.

You do know you're going to have to do something about that wallpaper, don't you?

This place is where fashion comes to die.

-Will I get to see you before you go?

-You'd better.

Kelly-Marie's organising the surprise party.

She insisted, I succumbed.

-I've already been working on my shocked face. Want to see it?

-Mm.

Oscar-winning.

What're you thinking?

What're YOU thinking?

OK, after three we say it.

One, two, three...

PHONE RINGS

That'll be Jenny. I should...

-Of course.

-I need to get packing anyway.

# Get me to the church on time

# Church on time Terrifies me

# Church on time Makes me party

# Church on time Puts my trust in God and man. #

Any more kisses for Uncle Bob?

Aw, aye. There she is, bold as Bananaman.

-Stella the Sponger.

-Don't.

-She's been through a lot.

-Who hasnae? Get Bob told.

Set your stall out. You know what Mammy'd say.

"Never trust a man till he's seven feet in the ground."

-I'll have a wee word with her.

-No, don't.

Last thing I want is Bob thinking I'm an insecure wreck.

Come here.

Put all this nonsense to rest, do you hear me?

Why would he want brisket when he's got silverside?

Silverside?

I'm fillet, obviously.

Gorgeous!

-Thank you.

-I meant the soup.

-Course you did.

-Only joking.

PHONE CHIMES Oh!

-Do you want me take you to the airport?

-You'll be working.

I could get Ellie to cover for me.

-I'd rather you didn't.

-Oh.

-Right.

-It's just you watching me go.

-I'd never get on the plane.

-I should definitely take you, then.

And spit...

Oh!

You've so much stuff here.

-It'd been easier if you'd just moved in.

-Yeah, I know.

You go get yourself organised, I'll bring everything you've left over.

What would I do without you?

You'll find out soon enough.

I wish we had another couple of days.

Me too. I...

I'd better go.

Yeah. You'd better.

-I forgot something.

-What?

# Hello, it's me. #

I've been wondering if after all these years you'd like to meet.

Kel, I'm just checking in.

You havenae been answering my texts. We need to meet today.

We've got loads to talk about.

And you still haven't confirmed what the dress code is for my surprise party.

Are we doing smart-cas? Matching trackies and glowsticks?

Also I was just thinking we could do it in the Tall Ship.

I don't know, maybe you've booked somewhere else.

Let me know. Kel, phone me back. I'm worried about you.

Nae need to ask if you've had a good night, Bobby One-Sock.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You've been doing the walk of shame every day for the last two weeks.

-There was a name for that in my day.

-There's a name for it now an' all.

-BOTH: Dirty stop-oot.

-Dirty stop-oot.

Was this with the barman, then?

-A classy lassie never talks.

-No' even to your Auntie Molly?

-Well...

-C'mon, let's go and have a wee coffee.

-Molly, I cannae.

There's still so much I've got to get done.

You might never see me again, you selfish shellfish!

Ten minutes.

-Go on.

-I suppose.

-And I want to hear all the details.

-Mm-hm!

You want the temperature of the milk to be between 60 and 70.

Any more than that, it starts to get bitter.

We wouldn't want that, would we?

-Two coffees.

-Americano? Cappuccino? Espresso? Latte? Filter?

-Milk. Two sugars.

-Right y'are.

PHONE RINGS

Hello.

'Did you get my picture?'

Yes, I did. It was very..alarming.

'That's what it was like when I woke up this morning.'

High temperature, extreme swelling.

Thought it might need a professional to look at it.

Well, you should come down to the surgery straightaway.

-'It sounds like it needs to be dealt with urgently.'

-What're you wearing?

Antibac gel and sensible shoes.

Tease.

'Get your lips round that.'

We both went into it knowing that it was just a bit of fun,

and then off I go.

Into the sunshine, tapas and taps off.

Taps off? You're a ginger.

Even with factor 50 you'll have a face like a belisha beacon.

Don't you forget to come and say cheerio to me

before you go.

Course I will.

Are you going soft on me?

The only thing going soft is your head, Robbie Fraser -

schlepping halfway round the world

when you've everything you could want right on your doorstep.

AJ, he's paying for the coffees.

-How were they?

-Like dishwater.

Come on, Dad, say to him.

-Tell him not to go.

-Don't be ridiculous.

Of course he should go.

We've only known each other for a couple of weeks.

Yeah, but you like him. And he likes you. So ask him to stay.

Life's not like that, Jenny. We've both got things we need to do.

He wants to travel. I want to be here, with you.

-Dad, you...

-No.

I've missed too much of you already

because I was so focused on getting what I wanted.

Working, travelling, doing things only for me. No more.

I promised I'd be here for you and I won't break that promise.

I'm here to be the kind of dad that'll make you proud.

And what's this?

It's just a daft wee gift.

Seemed like a good idea at the time, but...

But what?

Well, it's stupid, isn't it?

-A goodbye card.

-What's stupid?

The card or the goodbye?

Have you always been this annoying?

-I prefer to call it insightful.

-Hm.

I've booked us a hotel.

We can check in any time after two.

I'm not going to a hotel. I can't.

-I want to see you properly.

-You're seeing me now.

You know what I mean.

Remember this?

Yeah, well, that's the thing with rings, they come off.

Says the man that's been divorced.

Twice.

This matters to me. Somehow. Even though I'm here with you.

-It didn't matter to AJ when he was...

-Well, I deserve better.

No, I don't mean better, I meant to say...

I'm not judging.

So take it.

What you deserve.

See? Easy as that.

-So the hotel. You said you were free after lunch.

-In the afternoon.

Not the evening. Tonight's...

steak night.

Steak night?

Don't laugh. Yeah, that's what we do.

We have steak and then we have a bottle of red.

Same thing week in, week out. Sounds like hell.

-I can't think of anything more boring.

-You don't...

get to do that, OK? You don't get to put him, or us, down.

I thought you wanted this.

I do.

No, but...we just need to be careful, OK?

-I'll have to lie...

-And you have already.

But it'll be worth it, because it means we get to be together.

-Just a few hours. No more.

-Scouts honour.

-You were never a scout.

-No.

I don't have any honour either.

You moving?

-Just returning some stuff to Robbie's.

-Some?

-Is that lover boy off, then?

-Yep.

-That's you on the scrapheap.

-Welcome to the club. Just a joke, cheer up.

-I'm fine.

-Oh, no. I know that look.

-What look?

-The "I'm fine, but actually I'm anything but" look.

-I am fine.

Remember, it's me you're talking to. Mother of your child.

High school sweetheart.

First girl that took you to a gay club, even though I regret it now.

You're no' fine. What's wrong?

-Nothing.

-If you say so. Oh, nice.

-I hope these're clean!

-Give them back!

Aye, you're fine, right enough, Snappy McSnapperson.

So what's going on?

I always knew he was leaving, but...

-This is easy, Gary. You like him, tell him.

-It's not just about me.

He's got things he wants to do,

and I'm not going to be the one that stops him.

Oh, my, you're totally into him. Go and get him told.

Speaking of which, I've a wee bit of business to be seeing to myself.

Get him told! Now go!

-She's getting big.

-Aye.

So's her mammy's wallet, by the looks of things.

-What?

-Cash from Bob, aye?

Yeah, I was just going to go and get us some lunch.

Don't think I don't see what you're up to, Lady Jane.

Pick the softest man in the street, throw the kid in his face,

call him godfather and then fleece him for every penny in his bank.

This coming from the three-by-three?

At least I had the decency to let my men off the hook.

-I never made any of them stay.

-Because they didnae want to.

-I take responsibility for my own.

-Sitting on the broo, aye?

Better to sponge off the system than a man's back pocket.

-Lassies, no need for this.

-What's it to you, Oompa Loompa?

Aye, Angus.

All I'm saying is, back off.

Ellie's with Bob.

I know. We're just pals.

-And if you upset Ellie, you upset me.

-I can see that.

-Good.

Well, I'm glad we got that straight.

That's for the wean.

Try not to spend it on yourself.

-Why have you left it so late to pack?

-I have been enjoying my life.

-You should try it.

-Oh, I have been.

-Oh?

-You and Patrick are still...?

-Mm-hm.

Well, stranger things have happened.

-Just look at me and Gary.

-What?

Look, doing this, changing your life...

I'm impressed. It's really brave.

Or stupid.

Robbie, this is the youngest you're ever going to be. You've no ties.

Cash in the bank.

This is the only time in your life you can get out there,

see the world, trawl across America, find a strapping hunk.

Molly says I'm running away.

-She says I've got everything I need here.

-Like what?

Like...friends.

A flat. A man.

No offence, but I don't think the dream is waking up with a barman,

-is it?

-No.

I dunno. Maybe.

What do you want me to do with this?

Bin it.

-No, it's a nice frame.

-Keep it, then.

Look, if you don't look after yourself, nobody else will.

Yeah, you're right.

-What're you wearing tonight?

-Tonight?

-My surprise party!

-I don't know anything about it.

-I'll find out where it is.

-Kelly Marie's sorting it.

-Which is why I won't be invited.

You are so invited. You've been a really good pal to me...recently.

She's not answering.

You two would get on really well if you could only get over the whole...

What? Sleeping with her ex-husband then her brother thing?

Yeah, when you put it like that, you're a lost cause.

Right, some of us have got to get to work.

-You will come along tonight, though, yeah?

-Course.

Look, you're doing the right thing, Robbie.

Don't give this place a second thought.

I can't believe it's as much as that.

This is the last of your stuff I found.

The only thing I need is 30 kilos extra baggage allowance.

-What is it?

-I'm just...

Whatever's on your mind,

after three. One, two, three...

BOTH: I thought we could go for lunch.

BOTH LAUGH

Lunch it is, then.

That's my whole life right there. One bag.

Mental.

Now I've got to try and cram some of this stuff into it.

Is that him?

Yeah.

-Handsome.

-Yeah, I thought so,

at first.

Handsome, gentle, The One, but...

-What?

-He wasn't.

He never got me.

-We never use to make each other laugh.

-I don't believe that.

It's true. He was a torn-faced...

Ohhh... That's why I booked the flight.

Last thing I needed was to hang about here

and wait for the next version of Will to come along.

Another guy desperate to settle me down and set up home together.

Sorry, I didn't mean for that to sound quite so bitter,

-it's just...

-No, I get it.

"I've been to paradise but I've never been to me."

It's a song from...

Priscilla. Yeah, I've seen it.

I'm just surprised you have.

There are many things you're yet to discover about me, Robbie Fraser.

-So are you going to sit on it?

-Er...

My bag. I need to pack the bag.

Oh, yeah. Sure.

Is that it? Wrong one.

No, that's the one.

You've tucked it in!

You want to get some strength into it!

That's it then.

-All packed and ready to go.

-Yep.

Easy as that.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, I'm so sorry, I forgot I said I'd meet Patrick.

-I'll cancel him.

-No, don't be daft. Go see him.

As long as you promise you'll come see me later.

-You sure you don't mind?

-Go!

-I would, but you're...in my flat.

Hi! No, I've just finished packing.

Yeah.

So I brought you this.

I had a quick swatch through, I think you might like this.

There's a bar that has over 400 different types of wine.

I mean, you'll have them all tested by the end of the week, but...

You all right?

-Yep.

-Really?

You were buzzing like a fly when you got your tickets through for Strictly.

Now you're kicking your height in the sunshine state.

Well, that's Florida, I'm going to...

I just thought you might be a bit happier than you are.

I am. I'm just... a bit nervous, I guess.

Enough about me, how's things with you and Angel?

Aye, good.

Different.

-I bet. Do you keep looking for the missing bit?

-Aye, very funny.

Cannae wait 'till you go. How long?

Oh-ho!

Here she comes, Melisandre, to rain on my ravioli.

Hi, AJ.

-What's the soup today?

-It's sweet potato, chorizo and chilli.

-Made by my own fair hands, and cooked with nothing but love.

-Hm.

-Would you like a taste?

-Nah. Cheese toastie, thanks.

Look, I forgot to mention I've got this group learning thing tonight.

-But it's steak night tonight!

-Wow.

The nights must just fly by in your house.

-Hopefully it won't go on too long.

-Where is it?

Erm, Lochwinnoch, of all places.

-You two better be coming to my surprise party tonight.

-What party?

-Aye, right.

-So when do you think you'll be done?

Well...you know what these things are like. I won't be late.

So steak night's off. Will I just go to Robbie's and meet you there?

Will do.

And, erm...be safe.

What?

On the roads.

Promise.

Cheese toastie.

-Pint and some chips'n'cheese, please.

-No worries.

Congratulations on your engagement, by the way.

You know what they say, when you find the one...

Nice to know romance isn't dead.

-BANGING

-Haw! Quit it or flit it.

-I wouldn't get on the wrong side of you McLean girls.

-Don't you forget it.

That sister of yours called me an Oompa Loompa.

I'd have said something if I wasn't petrified of her.

Och, her bark's much worse than her...

-Actually her bite's worse than her bark.

-Yeah, just ask Stella.

-Eh?

-Caitlin ripped into her this morning. Went for her a dillion.

Stella? Gary, can I have ten minutes?

Er, have I got a choice?

-Good, Molly. Good.

-That must be a good 5K at least?

-One.

But we're getting there. Just take it easy. No pressure.

Hiya. Sorry I'm late, I was with Robbie.

Patrick, look at me going like the clappers!

Gran, what are you doing?

Well, you see all old 'uns are dropping like flies,

but not me. No danger.

I'm still moving and grooving. Ohhh...

-The sweat's lashing oot me.

-Try and stay on a bit longer, Molly.

-The machine will beep when you're done.

-Wait for the beep.

Have you spoken to him, to Robbie?

Yeah. Exciting day for him, eh?

-Aye, he doesnae seem too happy about going.

-Still waiting for the beep.

He's fine. He's just...worried.

What about?

About Kelly-Marie.

She's supposed to be arranging his party,

-but she won't even answer her phone.

-A party?

I've not been invited to a party!

I know, I've been trying to underplay it with Robbie,

buy Kelly's not got off the couch in days.

She's no' fit to be organising anything.

Is this thing still going?

I feel as if I've cycled to Edinburgh and back.

-What about tonight?

-What?

-Robbie's leaving drinks.

He mentioned it earlier but I don't know anything about it.

So it's not been organised!

-We can't let him go without a send-off.

-We most certainly will not!

This bleep will just have to wait.

Come here and help me off, son.

-Ohhhh...

-Right, Gran.

-Ohhh! Ohhh!

Oh, my... Oh!

Oh, listen, my wee Robbie is not leaving Shieldinch without us

organising a party to end all parties.

Leave it to me. Mmmmwah!

-Bye, Gran.

-Bye, son.

I'm your sister. Somebody's got to speak up for you.

Aye, me! If and when I decide it's a problem.

But you just go and do your usual, you wade right in there and...

-you've made me look an idiot.

-No, I made HER look an idiot.

That wee madam needed telt.

Keep your nose out my business, Caitlin, all right?

Love you too!

-Hiya.

-Can I come in?

-Aye, course you can.

-All right, Ellie?

-Hey.

-Angus told me about Caitlin.

-Don't worry about it.

-What?

It's nothing.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry.

She's always been overprotective.

When I failed my driving test she tried to square-go the instructor.

-Honestly, it's all right.

-Good.

Cos...she says stuff, jumps to conclusions about how I'm

feeling all the time and I just want you to know that I'm not.

You're not what?

Her words aren't my words. You know?

-Aye, course.

-Good.

-You want a cuppa tea?

-Och, no, don't go to any trouble.

No, it's fine, I'm making us one anyway.

I didn't... I didn't mean us, I just...

I'm fine.

I'm just going to take Hope out

and get some fresh air for a couple of hours.

-Give you two some space.

-Don't bother yourself.

Actually, Stella, that'd be great.

-It was really nice seeing you.

-Aye, you too.

-It's nice, seeing yous all get on.

-We don't.

-But you just...

-No, Bob, do you know how embarrassing that is?

-You manhandling her knickers right in front of my face.

-Come on.

-You're not jealous, are you?

-No, I'm furious.

-How come?

-How come?!

-Why is she here?

-You want me to kick her out on the street?

No, but... What then? I just don't like her being here, Bob, all right.

It's creepy. No, weird. It's weird you living with your ex-wife!

-Playing daddy with another man's baby.

-Me and Stella, that's history.

Ancient. Nothing is ever going to happen there. I love you.

Right, easy to say.

-Do you trust me?

-I trust you, but...

Do you trust me?

Yes.

So cool the jets. Go easy on her.

She'll be staying somewhere else soon enough. Right?

-Right.

-Good.

Gie us a kiss, then.

BANGING ON DOOR

I know you're in there, let me in.

Kelly!

Kelly!

-What do you want?

-Do you no' answer your phone, no?

I've been phoning you all morning.

If I was paranoid, I would think you were trying to avoid me

on the day I'm leaving forever.

-That's today?

-Ha-ha. Very funny.

-Are you all right?

-Robbie, I don't have time for this.

-Make time.

-Where have you been

for the last two weeks?

-I've phoned, I've texted...

-Oh, right.

I've been busy. I've been sorting stuff out, booking accommodation,

-trying to get the flat in order...

-Oh, no, no, I'm sorry.

A text is all it takes.

Kel, are you all right?

You...seemed to be doing so much better.

Aye, like you care!

Of course I care. You're my best pal.

You've been shacked up with some stranger

when I've been in here on my own with nobody.

You have no idea what I've been going through,

what's happened to me.

-So tell me. What's going on?

-Don't you dare come near me.

You don't have the right! So you just... Just get out!

Kelly! You don't mean that.

I love you. I am here for you.

And, aye, things have been crap, for both of us.

But we don't lie about in our pits all day

and hide away from the world. We fight back!

-Aye.

-We're stronger than that.

-Or we run away.

-I'm not.

-Why don't you go and play with your new toys?

You're clearly bored of this one!

Kelly, if you need me to stay, I will.

Do you know what? No, you just go.

You go far away from here as you possibly can.

Because see all this poison? That's all it is, is poison!

That's what the Murdochs are...!

Just go, Robbie. Go as fast as you can!

I mean, I would, if I could,

but I-I can't! I can't any more!

-Kelly, I...

-No, just go!

-But I need to...

-No, go! Just go!

-Kelly! Kelly!

-GET OUT!

SHE BREATHES HARD

Something funny?

-What rattled your curling tongs?

-You've got a cheek, a total cheek!

Thanks to your mini me, she is up there a shadow of herself

-and you are swanning about like...!

-Watch your mouth.

-I'm not scared of you, Lenny Murdoch.

-Really?

I think you should be scared.

In fact, I think you should be shaking in your slip-ons.

Lying in your bed at night with one eye open, sucking your thumb,

wetting your pants, screaming for your mammy to help you.

Because believe me, the last thing you want to be doing

is making an enemy of me. Do you understand?

What have you lot done to my Kelly Marie?

Do you understand?

Is, er...everything all right here?

Oh, look, here's your man come to save you.

Aye. We're just having a laugh, aren't we? Eh?

I can fight my own battles.

I know, but it's always easier with a wingman.

-What's with those?

-It's a surprise.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Hey. No, no. Don't, don't. Close the door.

Sorry. Just... You don't know who might be watching.

God, look at my hands, they're shaking.

Have a drink.

I said it was a work thing, so I can't be smelling of drink.

Oh, like he'd even notice.

-Well, he would.

-Would he, though?

He might. I...

Well, maybe you should just go, forget this,

get home before his steak goes to waste.

Go and drink your wine with him.

Look! Don't.

I didn't mean that. I...

No, you're right.

It's just hotel rooms and...

It's just all too much too soon.

For who?

It just feels...

It feels...

It just doesn't feel right. It feels seedy,

-like we shouldn't be doing this.

-I know.

-SHE SIGHS

-It feels...

-What?

All you have to do is what feels right.

And this feels right, doesn't it?

SHE MOANS

I've never seen Kelly Marie like that.

I can't go now!

She's angry.

Understandable, after everything she's been through,

-but she is not angry at you.

-Yes, she is.

Not once she's calmed down, thought about it.

Thought about someone other than herself.

Look, you need to go. It's your dream.

Don't let anything stand in your way.

-Isn't that right, Gary?

-Yeah. Absolutely.

Kelly will get it.

You know, if you love someone, set them free, and all that crap.

Do you think?

I know.

Come here.

HE SIGHS

I'm nipping over to the shop. Your ma needs a hand.

-Jimmy, are you going to please talk to me?

-I just did!

About the other day, with Lenny.

I've nothing to say. You've made your bed, lie in it.

-Can I come in?

-Aye, of course.

-What you doing here?

-Jimmy let me in.

-Get out of my house!

-Never mind... What are you doing?

-Look, he's worrying he can't leave you.

-Who?!

Robbie! Kelly Marie, wake up!

How dare you come in my house and tell me about me and my pal?!

Your pal is currently debating whether or not he can leave here

because he's too worried about you

and you can't see it because you're too caught up in yourself!

SHE SIGHS

Look, I know this is all about me.

What?!

You're angry at me.

I understand.

Alex, then Robbie and I moving in together

and now...now there's Patrick. I-I understand why you...

You have no idea what you're talking about.

You haven't the faintest clue about what I've been going through!

I know that today isn't about you.

Or me.

It's about Robbie.

Go and show him it's OK to leave.

Show him you're happy for him.

Give him the permission...

-He doesn't need my permission!

-Of course he does, Kelly.

Robbie needs everyone's permission.

He needs you to let him go.

You don't know anything about us.

About what we've been through together.

Get out!

I said, get out!

SHE SIGHS

Text him, call him, anything, just tell him it's OK to go!

Let him go!

We're having a night for him at the Tall Ship. It would mean the world...

MUSIC BLARES

I didn't think you were coming.

Aye, I've just left Bob watching the wean.

I thought I'd drop off a card and some cakes for Robbie.

Oh, lovely!

You've not even tasted them yet.

Och, everything tastes better with a drink, doesn't it?

-SHE CHUCKLES

-I thought he'd be here by now.

You know what he's like, he'll be wanting to make a grand entrance.

Maybe he's got cold feet about leaving.

Do you think so?

Should you not be letting Bob get over here to see his girlfriend?

-Maybe, aye.

-Best go, then, eh?

You don't want folk to think you're taking a lend of him.

What's this?

Don't pretend you don't know. You've had access to my notes.

-I never looked at your...

-Yeah, you did.

What did it feel like?

-You know, when the bullet...

-What?

Well, I mean, the pain.

-Can you describe it?

-It's a bullet hole.

A wound.

A reminder I see every day in the mirror

of lying soaked in my own blood, knowing this was it.

Believing.

Game over.

-I didn't mean to...

-You want to know how I felt?

Scared. Humiliated.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned it.

I was...

I was relieved.

-What?

-Before I passed out...

..I felt, for the first time in my life...

..relief.

Now you don't have to keep fighting any more.

Now you can get, well, maybe some sort of peace.

Because I didn't choose this life.

I was pushed into it.

This isn't just a scar, Annie.

This doesn't make me some sort of novelty.

It's a mark of what I am.

This is everything that's ever gone wrong in my life.

It's a mark of a little boy whose...mother couldn't love him.

Of a son whose own father tried to kill him.

What it isn't...is your thrilling alternative to steak night.

SHE SIGHS

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to pry.

But you are NOT my alternative.

I'm here because there is no alternative.

It isn't some...idiotic midlife crisis.

There's something here...

..and it's bigger and more important than everything else in my life.

I'm here because there's no viable alternative.

There's something here, Annie, for both of us.

I know.

-Viable alternative?

-SHE CHUCKLES

-DOOR CLOSES

-I forgot my wallet.

-Where you going?

-This is weird, man.

-What?

-Us living together. It's no' fair.

Oh, aye, right enough, it's not fair that you and Hope have got running water and lecky(!)

It's no' fair on me or you and Ellie, Bob.

-Ellie's fine with us.

-SHE SIGHS

Look, people think that I'm a sponger.

-I asked you to move in.

-And they think I'm using you.

Who cares what they think?!

SHE SIGHS

Stella, I just want to make sure that you and the wean are all right.

-I know that.

-And don't worry about Ellie.

She just gets jealous at times.

Well, there's no reason for her to be jealous because we're just pals.

I know. And she knows that, too.

I think that Ellie's really good for you, I do.

And I don't want to be the one getting in the way of that.

You're not.

-The idea of us being...

-What?

Like that again. It's just ridiculous!

-It was bad enough first time around, it'd be worse this time.

-Totally.

Look, I better get going. I don't want to miss the big surprise.

You all right?

Yes.

-I'll see you later?

-Yes.

-Bye.

-Bye.

Come and see your mummy. There you go.

DOOR CLOSES

What you seen? What you seen, eh?

SHE CHUCKLES

-Hey.

-Huh-huh!

-You'll be fine!

-Don't break me.

-I will not break you. Come on!

-Right.

-A-huh.

-Wait there.

-Right, OK.

-Stop.

-Ready?

-Yep.

ALL: Surprise!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Scarlett! Oh, you...!

LAUGHTER

LOW CHATTER

Oh, sweetheart! Oh!

-You OK?

-Is Kelly Marie here?

Hi! Hi! Oh, yous look great!

Oh, you, you wee sneak!

-MOBILE PHONE RINGS

-Don't answer it.

Oh, I have to, it's...it's Harry.

Hello? Oh, hi, darling.

Is...is everything all right?

What?!

Well, how did that happen?

LOW CHATTER

-If I hear one more...

-What?

All my kindness will disappear.

SHE HYPERVENTILATES

HORN BLASTS

MUTED CHATTER

Sorry. I had to...

Of course you did. Is everything all right?

Oh, yeah. He's just...

Look, you don't have to ask, OK? It's not really fair.

Look, I said I didn't want you to talk about AJ, but...

..but I do want to know about other stuff in your life.

-Stuff?

-You know what I mean.

Well, he needs new textbooks.

He's spent all his money on...

Oh, I dread to think what he's spent all his money on.

I should go.

-Should you?

-I should.

-But...

-But?

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

MUSIC BLARES

LAUGHTER

-Oh!

-Ooo! Careful!

Nobody panic.

It's, er...it's just my shoes.

It'll be nothing to do with the bottle of brandy she's tanked.

Oh, she's fine.

Thanks for this.

I wanted to make sure I got a chance to say goodbye. Check you went.

Come with me.

-What?

-Like, just...come!

Let's just go together. Come on, we'll just do it!

I can't. I've Jenny and...

I know. Sorry, I-I should never have asked.

-It's just the drink.

-You should...

Sorry to interrupt, girls, any chance of a drink? A malt.

-Sure.

-I'll have a pint, as well, Gary, while you're there. Cheers.

What were you saying?

You should...

Go back to the party. Everyone's waiting.

Right, OK.

You gonnae put a flake in that an' all?

Er...sorry.

Two vodkas and orange. Make them doubles for single prices, barman.

-You never told him.

-I'm not going to stop him. He wants to go.

Well, where's your spine?

I'm not going to fight, Caitlin.

That's always been your problem, you never want to fight.

MUSIC BLARES

Somebody's smiling.

Yeah. It's from Kelly.

-That's it, then.

-What?

You can go.

No more unfinished business.

Yeah.

After three...we say it.

OK. One...

-CAR HORN BLASTS

-Two...

That's your taxi!

Ah!

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

It's not going be the same without you here, son.

I know. You'll need to put your own rollers in(!)

SOFT LAUGHTER

Molly, I... Thank you.

-What for?

-Well, for...

You have been like a mammy to me around here and I just...

-I just want you to know that...

-Me an' all.

My mascara's going to be ruined because of you, ya wee besom! Oh!

Right, my turn! Mmmmm...!

LAUGHTER

Come on, Miss Teetotal 2016, let me get you up that road.

Oh, darling! Oh! We're all going to miss you!

-Will you tell Kelly...?

-Tell her yourself, online.

And mind you send us photos because

we all want a good gawp at what you're getting up to. Hee!

Ah!

-So...

-So...

-CAR HORN BLASTS

-I don't think he's too happy.

Wind your neck in, Mickey!

They two have got a snog to be getting on with!

-I'd better go.

-Yeah.

-Aw!

-HE SIGHS

-Take care.

-Of course I will.

Bye! ALL: Bye!

-Be safe!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Dad? Dad!

You forgot to give him this.

Oh...it doesn't matter now.

Dad, do you love me?

Of course I love you! Why would you even ask?

See? That didn't hurt, did it, to say it?

Go!

MUSIC: Ain't No Mountain High Enough by Diana Ross

-Wait!

-Wait!

Driver, can you stop?!

Wait!

-I just meant to give you this.

-What is it?

It's just... It's just something daft.

Don't open it until you get there, OK?

Of course.

I'm glad I met you.

Me, too.

Gary!

BREATHLESS: That is a harder jog than you think

with 24 kilos on your back.

What are you doing?

Did you mean this? The... "All my love" thing?

Or is that just something that you write,

-that you scribble when you just want to...?

-No.

I meant it.

OK.

-And...?

-And...?

Well, we never got to finish what we were saying.

-You're going to miss your flight.

-I hate unfinished business, so...

So...?

After three.

HE CHUCKLES

One...

-Two...

-Three.

BOTH: I love you.

THEY LAUGH

I'd be a right tube to go now, wouldn't I?

You really would.

Hold that thought. There's something I've got to do.

Well, not literally. I mean, get that bag in and get the fizzy popped. I'm still on holiday!

-Oh! Gary?

-What?

You do know we're going to have to do something about that wallpaper?

THEY LAUGH

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Oh, damn!

Hello?

Oh, I know. I know.

No, no, no, I won't be long now.

Well, you go without me and I'll see you in there.

OK. OK, bye.

SHE SIGHS

-I have to go.

-Do you? It's still early.

I know, but he's waiting on me.

I only said a few hours.

I can't believe I fell asleep!

I shouldn't have.

-You need to shower.

-What?

Before you go home, shower.

-Do I?

-You do.

-Right. I...

-Don't start.

-I'm not. Just saying.

I asked you not to say anything. Don't try and fight my...

That's my job. That's what sisters do.

You might trust him, you might trust her. Good for you.

But I don't need to.

No, I'll be keeping an eye on them for sure.

And if any of them upset you or make a fool of you,

they'll have me to answer to.

-Bob wouldn't.

-Then we've all got nothing to worry about.

BANG ON DOOR Kelly Marie!

I know you're in there, I can see the light on.

MUSIC: Under Pressure by Queen

Kelly! Open up!

Kelly!

Kelly, you were right.

I was running away.

But it wasn't from you.

I'm damaged goods.

And if I barely like myself, how could anyone love me?

Except they can...I think.

He's nice, Kel.

Gary.

He's really nice.

And I'm not used to that. Neither of us are.

When I'm with him, I don't feel grateful, I feel...

..happy!

Did you hear that? Me!

I haven't had a smile on my face since...

HE SIGHS

See, I can't even remember when.

When the Spice Girls were number one.

# Splits a family in two

# Puts people on streets

# Stop talking

# That's the terror of knowing what this world is about

# Watching some good friends screaming, "Let me out!"

# Tomorrow gets me higher...#

Do you hear me? I'm staying.

Because you're right, I do deserve it.

We both do.

# Chipping around, kick my brains around the floor

ANIMATED CHATTER

# These are the days it never rains but it pours...#

-Oh, forget this.

-Would you rather be at home, watching spaghetti westerns with Dad?

So, we going?

Nah. Things might get interesting.

I'll get these.

Order! A wee bit of order, please!

Quiet!

Um...I just want to say a wee, quick thing.

Obviously, this started off as a leaving do, but I'm no' leaving!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And that's thanks to this man here. Um...

this is a brand-new beginning for us,

and thank you all so much for being here and being part of it.

It really means a lot, so cheers!

CHEERING

# Caring about ourselves

# This is our last dance

# This is ourselves

# Under pressure...#

-You'll be fine.

-I just want to do a decent job.

You were good enough to give me a chance.

You're not welcome, so you're going to have to leave.

I'm barred? What for?

-You're getting married tonight?

-Feels right.

The fake proposal was bad enough, I'm not going along with this!

I'm just trying to help.

I don't need your help. Neither does Bob, so just back off!

Your problem with Stella is exactly that, your problem!

Face it, mate, you don't want to see me happy because

that would be proof of how utterly miserable you are, stuck with Ellie.

I just want to report a fake wedding.