22/06/2016 River City

Angus is fine on his own.

It's Stella you don't want to leave.

-Stella's moving in with you.

-Just for a bit.

Your ex-wife Stella?

She's a pal.

I love the bones of her, don't I?

Stop it, you, you'll set me off.

Come here.

-I like her.

-That's up to you.

You want to be with her? I cannae be in your life.

My friend Cassie, she's seen you around

and she'd really like to meet you.

I'm not here because I want a date, I'm here because I want a husband.

-I just spent the last of it on a bird.

-What bird's that?

-My fiancee.

It's days like this when I am glad that there's gun control here!

Whoa, Charging Buffalo. What's the matter?

You're not going to believe this.

The registry office have only gone and double-booked our wedding.

-We have to move.

-Have they offered another day?

Yeah, two months from now.

So, don't panic. We'll do it two months from now.

Angus, I don't have that long left on my visa!

No wedding, and it's bye-bye, Scotland, hello, boring old NYC.

What's so funny?

Well, half of Glasgow's probably dying to get out of here

and move to New York.

Well, I'm not one of them. This is my home now.

Besides, I improve the place just by being here.

Debatable.

Is it? Well, no wedding and this little arrangement is off.

It's not that easy.

I've already spent the money on the bar.

Angus, being American, I know a thing or two about litigation.

It's sort of a second language to us.

Is that like football is for the Scots?

Only more dangerous.

If my visa runs out before I get married,

I'll be suing you for the five grand.

What do you think? Do I look ready for work?

Work?

Aye, behind the bar at the Tall Ship.

Robbie put in a good word with Gary, so I've got a trial shift.

Is that a good idea?

Why wouldn't it be? I've done it before.

Aye, I know, but... Is it not too soon?

Are you sure you're ready?

No. I'm not sure.

But I can't stay in here and jump at my shadow all day, can I?

Aye, well, good for you, hen.

I'm sure you can do it.

I hope so.

Right.

-Right, see you.

-Aye. See you.

You'll be fine. There's nothing to it.

Graham's here if it gets too busy.

I just want to do a decent job.

You were good enough to give me a chance.

No problem. Have you had a chance to look at the menu?

Familiar enough?

Aye, I've memorised it.

-NASAL ACCENT:

-Oh, cheese and ham sandwich.

'Scuse me, could you tell me...

is that with white or granary bread?

We do both, sir.

And is it cheddar or brie?

Or haloumi. It's your choice.

Oh, well, in that case I'll have everything on the menu, please.

Coming right up, sir.

You'll be fine.

You don't like it?

I have got the hippest new bands in Glasgow lined up to play this bar.

That brings art students, fashion students, media types.

In short, if this place is going to be a success,

it has to attract the likes of me...

not you.

Maybe we've just got a different idea of what's cool.

Clearly. This is all I need.

No venue, no date for the wedding,

now the bar isn't even going to be ready for its launch...

Hold on. Why don't we just combine all three?

What are you talking about?

Oh, you can't mean here?

That would mean getting married tonight.

What an opportunity. It'd definitely get folk talking.

That's actually not a bad idea.

A cool one, you might say?

Don't push it.

OK, I'll see if they can send out a registrar.

-It's short notice...

-But they owe us.

Exactly. I know how this is done.

Waterworks... "I can't believe you're putting me in this situation!

"The biggest day of my life!"

Damsel in distress. They'll jump.

Trust me.

Whoa. I am not getting on your wrong side.

I gotta get a wedding dress.

You have got to get your best man on board and make an announcement

and this place is not going to look like this, I can assure you!

OK, my darling sweetheart.

Write all this down. You're a man, you'll forget. Item three... get chairs.

We have got a lot of work to do and not much time to do it in.

Move!

All right.

All right.

All right?

There you go. How's the head on it?

Perfect. Class in a glass.

How long have you got?

-There you are.

-Slow down, you'll wear your batteries out. What's the matter?

Your best man duties are about to be brought forward.

-Eh?

-BELL RINGS

Hello, everyone, and happy lunchtime!

I've got a wee announcement to make.

You'll all have had your invites to the opening of my new Pop-Up bar

-tonight, so I'm looking forward to seeing you all there with bells on.

-Aye, bells on what, though?

But I am also pleased to announce that at 7.30pm,

my good self, Mr Angus Lindsay of Shieldinch, being of sound mind,

will take Miss Cassie Evans to be my lawfully wedded wife.

So get dressed in your best!

You're getting married tonight?

Just feels right. We got a good deal on the venue!

A word.

So this is actually going ahead?

And you're claiming to be "of sound mind"?

Oh, am I meant to take marriage advice

from the guy that's been engaged five times?

At least I was in love.

Five times.

I think you've misunderstood what this is all about.

It's a business transaction, one that allows me

some much-needed start-up capital.

Is there not an easier way? Save up?

-Get a bank loan?

-What, rather than someone just give it to me?

-Oh, aye, cos that's much harder.

-At least it's honest.

Are you saying I'm dishonest?

Either that or you're a deluded fool.

Aw, cheers for the pep talk. Some best man you are.

Best man? No! The fake proposal was bad enough.

I'm not going along with this sham.

Is that right?

Well, if you'll excuse me, I've got a wedding to organise.

Kel, how long are you going to keep this up for?

-Stop giving me the cold shoulder.

-Can I get sir anything else?

No. Just forget it.

What's up? Got a text saying you wanted to meet me.

Aye, listen, Angus was in earlier and announced that him

and Cassie are getting married tonight.

You're joking!

That girl does not do things by half.

Well, we were going to the opening of the bar tonight anyway, so...

Don't tell me you forgot.

I reminded you last time I saw you.

You are still taking me, right?

I don't think I fancy it, to be honest with you.

Who doesn't fancy a wedding?

It's just an excuse to get dressed up and have a party.

I'm just not into it.

She'll probably ask me to be a witness,

it'd be really good to have you there beside me.

You've got eyes, can you no witness it yourself?

Why are you being like this?

Is taking me out some kind of imposition?

I'm sorry, but you're not welcome here.

So, you're going to have to leave.

I'm barred? What for?

Kel, keep your nose out. This is between me and Angel.

I warned you about her. This is her trying to push you around already.

That's definitely not what's happening here.

No, I know what you're like.

You just need to have people dancing about for you, like wee puppets, eh?

Kel, stay out of my business, all right?

I have just saved you from being bitten by a snake.

Graham, can you cover the bar?

Angel, wait, stop. Look, I'm sorry.

She's my sister, she gets a bit overprotective when it comes to me.

That wasn't anything to do with you. That was all about me.

Can't blame her if the thought of me and you makes her uncomfortable.

Makes her uncomfortable, or makes YOU uncomfortable?

Oh! Congratulations!

When it's right, it's right, eh?

What?

Your wedding. Tonight.

You've both heard already?

Oh, I've been spreading the good news!

Well, I need an entire outfit. Mainly a dress.

Like, immediately.

You just may have come to the right place.

Of course!

Handed in yesterday.

The day before your wedding.

Written in the stars, dear!

We must be reading different horoscopes.

Isn't it gorgeous? It's vintage.

Do you not just love the old designs?

Depends on how old.

Well, listen, I tell you what, take it home. Try it on.

If you don't want to wear it, fine, just hand it back in.

But if you do...

It's fate?

Exactly.

Thanks. I'll try not to, uh, lose it on my way home.

I don't care what her history with Angel is.

-She shouldn't be bringing it into the workplace.

-Excuse me?

I know, I know. She has had a really tough time recently.

I'm standing right here.

-This was a trial shift. And I'm afraid you failed.

-Aye, I'm getting that.

Can you not just give her another go?

She barred a paying customer who'd done nothing wrong.

-I'm sorry.

-That's all right.

Clearly Angel's feelings are higher priority than mine.

Ah, Kelly!

As if I don't have enough on my plate,

I've this meeting at the school for Jenny today.

We're pleading mitigating circumstances?

Because of the eviction?

And we need the school to argue our case to the exam board?

Is any of this ringing a bell?

Oh, aye!

Graham's got to leave early

so I'll need you to cover the bar while I'm there.

Aye, sure, no bother.

Where are you going?

I've got to make sure Kelly-Marie's OK.

Stop chasing after her, Robbie!

She is my best friend.

Aargh!

I mean, can you believe it?

Springing this wedding on everybody tonight.

You saw the proposal.

It was hardly going to be a five-year engagement.

How can a sham marriage make somebody happy?

Angus hasn't stopped smiling since. So surely that counts for something.

A "business decision". That's what he called it.

Marriage is for two people who love each other.

What?

No. I wasn't talking about you and me.

I never mentioned you and me. You did.

This is about Angus, not us.

-Aye, well, maybe that's the problem.

-What?

It's never about us.

-What are you getting at?

-You tell me.

You're the one who got hitched to a wrestler

when you were drunk in Las Vegas.

-Or have you forgotten that?

-No, Bob, I haven't forgotten.

And clearly, neither have you.

So, I bawled my eyes out,

demanded they send a registrar out tonight, and hey presto!

Instant wedding.

No messing around, eh? And is that the dress?

Yeah. I'm like stuck with it.

Oh, it's lovely. Where did that come from?

Molly was practically insistent I wear it.

Maybe I'll add like a gun-belt and a six-shooter.

You don't like it?

I dunno. I think it's elegant.

Classy.

Listen, I'm taking an hour off this afternoon, all right?

What for?

Alasdair.

I just want to pop round and see how he's getting on.

-I feel a wee bit responsible for him.

-Suppose so.

Thanks.

Aren't you going to say the dress looks beautiful on her?

I'll see you later.

Don't. Just don't.

I wasn't going to say a word.

Exactly. You've got bigger things to worry about.

Like, is the bar even going to be ready?

Yeah, I've got my top man on it.

PHONE DIALS

'Please leave your message after the tone.'

Bob? I know that you're not answering cos it's me,

but are you going to just stop being a tubular bell?

This bar is nowhere near ready for tonight, and I really

need your help, so stop being the Incredible Sulk and get down here.

My first shift and he fired me at the drop of a hat.

Is there no some employment law against it?

It was a trial shift. He did explain that to you beforehand.

But I was doing really well.

-If Angel hadn't walked in, I'd have been fine.

-Kelly-Marie, she does live here.

She was always going to come in at some point.

-Can't believe that cow. First she took my husband...

-Done you a favour there.

Then she took my brother and now she's taken my job.

You've got to get over her.

You're letting her eat you up inside.

-And look what it's just cost you.

-Are you saying it's my fault now?

Aye, it is. You left Gary with no other choice.

Aye, it's clear whose side you're on, anyway.

-I'm just trying to see it from both sides.

-Doesn't look like that from where I'm sitting.

What do you want to make me feel bad about now?

It's not that. I just wanted to explain about the wedding.

The one you're not taking me to?

I'm not trying to mess you around, I just...

Just not taking me to it.

It's complicated.

It really isn't.

Look, I just don't want to rub it in Kelly-Marie's face, all right.

I'm just going to be your dirty wee secret, is that it?

Don't use words like that! You don't know what you're talking about!

You were being weird before Kelly-Marie found out about us.

So using your sister as an excuse is weak.

Weak?

You're a grown man. Never mind what your sister thinks.

Make your own decisions.

Right, fine. I've decided. I'm not going.

Oh, aye, here he comes. Casanova.

Aye, well you weren't answering my calls,

so I've had to come in person.

Mate, I really need your help to get the bar ready.

I'm up to my eyes in it here, mate.

You've no been in, so I'm way behind.

Don't give me that. Come on, spit out the real reason.

You know my feelings.

Marriage should be for ever, not for a quick buck.

"For ever." Talk about amateur dramatics.

The only thing that's amateur here is this wedding.

Can you imagine marrying Zinnie this way?

Hey. Leave Zinnie out of it.

Oh, did that sting? I wonder why.

Mate, for the first time in months I've got something to believe in.

Aye, money.

It's not about money.

"Start-up capital", that's what you called it earlier.

Aye, for the bar! It's given me a purpose.

I get the bar, Cassie gets her visa. Everybody's happy.

Wrong. I'm not happy and Ellie's not happy.

Ah, right, so that's what this is about. Sham recognises sham.

Watch it.

Are you the only one allowed to throw that stone?

-So we're meant to talk about my fake relationship, but not yours.

-I'm warning you...

Oh, did that sting? I wonder why.

Face it, mate, you don't want to see me happy because that'd be proof

of how utterly miserable you are stuck with Ellie.

What?!

I think it's time for me to find another best man.

Houston, we have a problem.

Yeah, this dress needs taking in.

No.

The chairs?

No, Bob. He's not coming.

But he's the best man.

He doesn't approve.

Look, you and Bob can throw harpoons at each other for all I care,

just as long as it takes place after the wedding at which he is

fulfilling his legal duty.

Might be a bit late for that.

He'll be away greeting to anybody that'll listen that it's all a sham.

Are you serious?

Angus, if the Home Office get one hint

that this isn't a real relationship, we could be looking at jail time.

Do you understand?

-Jail?

-Yes, jail!

As in, a cell, bars on the windows, cigarettes for currency.

But I'm too pretty to go to jail.

PHONE CHIMES

Angus.

Right, I'd better go and find a best man.

And the chairs.

Chairs...

I would have phoned earlier

but I just got the voicemail about some chairs you failed to deliver.

Well, they were supposed to be here an hour ago, y'know,

when I was waiting in?

Listen, I'm getting married tonight and I need the chairs.

No, I can't send my best man to pick them up.

Because I'm still waiting for him to be delivered as well, all right?

Chairs, I need chairs!

Calm down, what's the matter?

The Community Centre's shut

and I've got an immediate chair deficiency for the wedding.

Oh, so what sort of style are you looking for?

Any style. It doesn't matter.

Well, there's this one.

Aw, you're kidding.

This is the only chair we've got at the moment.

Well, in that case, is there any chance you could

ring your pals in the other charity shops?

They're not our pals.

Half of them wouldn't even know how to spell charity.

In it just to cherry-pick the best items.

I could tell you stories...

Look, it's for the bride.

She's really under pressure, she's really stressed

and she can't take much more today.

Right. Say no more.

Not long now.

I hope you've given Bob enough time to write his speech?

Look, I know it's a sham, you know it's a sham, and so do they.

But sometimes you need to let people make their own mistakes.

Look at the reactions we got when we said we were getting married.

At least we were a real couple.

Aye, and it didn't work out. So marriage isn't a guarantee.

I'm trying to be a mate and help him,

but he just keeps pushing me away.

Well, maybe he thinks he doesn't need the help.

I spent months trying to put him

back together after Zinnie died.

Now he's putting a torch to it.

I just don't want to see him getting hurt.

Well, if it's not real, then he cannae get hurt, can he?

I mean, how can they be a real couple

when they don't even stay together!

What, like you and Ellie?

What? No. That's different. I mean, me and Ellie, we're...

amazing right now.

Well, we will be.

We had an argument this morning.

Right.

Don't start.

No...

I just think maybe you need to speak to Ellie more than Angus.

I do, don't I?

Uh-huh.

But don't go in like a bull in a china shop.

She breaks easily.

Gently does it. You know me.

Aye, unfortunately I do know you.

THEY LAUGH

He's just being really weird about Angus's wedding.

Maybe I overreacted...

I'm not the best person to ask.

You could string a man up and set him on fire

and I wouldn't call it an overreaction.

I should apologise. Clear the air.

Usually, I'd say let him come to you,

but you're sitting here worrying yourself sick.

Right. I'll see if I can talk him into going to the wedding.

Maybe we both just need a good night.

That'll sort you out.

Aye, right.

Is Bob in?

Naw. He's at work. I think he's coming to see you.

Oh, is he? Funny how he hasn't phoned me or anything.

I'm sure he will.

-Sounds like you've got a lot to talk about.

-What's he said?

Look, Ellie, it's probably none of my business, right,

but you need to be patient with him.

-He's a bit confused about stuff the now.

-What, HE's the confused one?

-I'm just saying...

-Well, don't. You were right. It's none of your business.

Look, I know Bob. I know how his mind works.

Are you trying to say I don't?

I understand Bob just fine, Stella. He's with me now.

I'm well aware of that. I'm just trying to help.

I don't need your help. And quite frankly, neither does Bob. So just back off, all right?

How's my Angel?

She's had better days.

I really need that drink tonight.

Do you know Kelly-Marie ripped into me again earlier?

Yeah... On that note...

I was wondering if you'd consider giving her a job?

Are you serious?

You're opening that treatment room and she really needs this.

-Come on, do it for me, not for her.

-No, I'm sorry.

I have tried I don't know how many times with that woman.

I'm tired of it. She hates me.

She doesn't hate you. She just...

doesn't like you.

Yeah. So you can imagine how tense it would be around here. No, thanks.

She'd be a real asset to you.

She was the best beautician in Shieldinch, in her day.

Yeah, well, this isn't her day.

Come on, Angel, Kelly-Marie is a really good worker.

That's not the issue and you know it.

Robbie's right, she is a good worker.

And it might help build some bridges.

Look, how about this...

if I can get her in here to try and help smooth things over,

would that make a difference?

Right, I'll consider it. But it depends on how sincere she is.

Let me go and talk to her.

Thanks, I really appreciate it.

I'm not sure Kelly-Marie will.

SHE EXCLAIMS

Hey, watch out!

Oh, I'm sorry, did you drop the costume

you're wearing for your pantomime tonight?

Hey, you!

What is your problem?

All right, I'll tell you what my problem is.

You appear in a puff of smoke and rope Angus into marrying you.

Whoa, a couple of weeks ago, you were all about the proposal.

If I'm not mistaken, you even shed a tear.

Yeah, well, now Bob's being all weird with me

and it's all cos of your stupid wedding.

What kind of fantasy world are you living in?

He's been greeting his heart out to Stella

-about how he can't commit to me.

-And that's my fault?

You know, in New York we have a saying

whenever a girl is getting all upside her head about some dumbass.

And what's that?

"Maybe he's not that into you."

How dare you?!

Sitting around waiting for some dude to propose? Get a grip!

Oh, that's rich. Didn't you proposition Angus?

Well, here's a proposition for you -

why can Bob be honest with some fruitcake like Stella,

but he can't with you?

Because he is not...that...into you.

I hope your joke of a wedding falls apart.

Y-you never know!

Listen, Drew, it's really good of you to help me out like this.

I'd have had no chance of getting it ready in time.

Nae worries.

Sort of thing a best man should be doing, eh?

-Looks good, though.

-Cheers, man.

So, eh...

-So what age are you?

-16. How?

-Nae reason.

And, erm, how are you at speaking in front of crowds?

I done a talk for the book review in school once.

James And The Giant Peach.

Know what? Don't worry about it.

-Ah, just the man I wanted to see.

-AJ, what can I do for you?

It's more what I can do for you.

How would you like a free tray of tasty pork pies

-for consumption at your festivities?

-Aye, cheers!

-What's the catch?

-No catch. Just simple generosity.

Well, that and they're left over after an order fell through.

Sure, just stick them behind the bar.

Cheers, AJ, you're a good man.

Actually...

you're great in front of a crowd, aren't you?

I've seen you rock an open mic night.

Are you kidding me? Public speaking's my natural forte.

I can do Shakespeare...

-PLUMMY ENGLISH ACCENT:

-"Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?

"Thou art more lovely and more temperate..."

-What does that mean?

-Actually, I was more thinking...

I can do a really good Billy Connolly as well.

-AS BILLY CONNOLLY:

-"Brilliant! I just stepped in a JOBBY!"

I'm, er... I'm looking for a best man.

Angus...

I'd be honoured.

Thank you.

I don't know why you're making such a fuss.

And that, right there, is the problem.

But never mind, I'm sure Stella will be able to tell you.

-What's Stella got to dae with this?

-Nothing.

That's why I get put out and you keep rushing round to her.

So you've spoken to her, then?

No, you've spoken to her. That's my point.

But Stella's just... She's just a mate.

Aye, a mate you used to be married tae!

I feel like the one on the outside of your relationship to her,

not the other way around.

Why are you giving me so much aggro the day?

-You know what I'm going through!

-What YOU'RE going through?

So this isn't something that's happening to both of us?

Look, your problem with Stella is exactly that - YOUR problem.

She's done nothing wrong.

Bob, do you understand how it makes me feel

hearing you defend her all the time?

I'll defend whoever's in the right.

-Meaning I'm in the wrong?

-That's not what I meant!

Do you know, Cassie got it spot-on.

Maybe you're not that into me.

Cassie?

What are you talking to her about it for?

Actually, do you know what? I don't even want to talk to you any more.

-Ellie, listen...

-Save it.

HE EXHALES

No way! What, are you taking the mick?

Look, you said it yourself, there's not much out there.

You just want me and Angel to play happy in the sandbox,

cos it suits you to be pals with everybody.

I've got bigger things to be thinking about

-than making your life easier.

-That's not what's going on!

I hate seeing you like this!

You've got to have a...

a purpose, a reason to get up in the morning.

Is a new baby a good reason enough for you?

-Kelly, David isn't here any more.

-I'm no' talking about David.

Hang on. Are you...?

Oh, my God, Kelly!

H-how?

W-who?!

-It's not Alex, is it?

-Of course it's not Alex.

It's Gabriel's. HE GASPS

Wow.

-Does Gabriel know?

-No, no-one does.

And I want it to stay that way.

What about your mum? She'll figure it out. She's no daft.

I'll just deal with that closer to the time.

I'm still trying to get my head round all this. I mean...

It's so soon after David.

What you need is something to take your mind off all of this

and, luckily for you, I know just the guy for the job.

Have we come to the right place?

Aw, Liz. HE CHUCKLES

-See if this falls through tonight, I will happily marry you.

-Oh!

Away ye go!

Cheers, lads.

AJ, your first duty as best man...

is to help me organise these chairs.

So what's next on the list?

If the Home Office come calling, throw them a dummy.

Home Office? Wait a minute. Is this wedding totally legit?

Well, kind of.

Me and Cassie have come to a wee arrangement

-so that she can stay in the country.

-Right.

See, it's not really my style to aid and assist people

-in breaking the law.

-We're not breaking it.

We're refurbishing it.

All the same, I'd rather comport my best man at a genuine wedding,

so if you don't mind...

-So you're not coming?

-Certainly not.

-There's a free bar.

-Well, only the first drink's free.

Then no.

HE SIGHS

Dad, can we go? Please?

You said you'd cover the bar,

so if you get this, will you call me immediately?

If not, then...

..thanks for letting us down.

Erm, same again?

Dad, the meeting starts in half an hour.

I know, I know. I'll...I'll find someone else.

Hi, it's me.

I need a really big favour.

Now.

Is this more to your taste?

It's attracting me.

Thank God something is.

Do we have a best man?

We did, then we didn't, so we don't.

So it is bad luck for the bride and groom to see each other on the day.

You never know, Bob might still show.

I don't think that's very likely.

Not after I laid it out to that dumb blonde Ellie.

"He's not that into you."

Aw, man, you shouldn't have got involved!

You need to apologise to him.

Yeah, I probably do, don't I?

Which is why you're going to do it.

-Me?

-You're his friend.

You know how to speak that grunt language of his.

So it's bad enough that I have to clean up this mess -

now I have to clean up yours?

Just get him here.

HE SIGHS

Don't speak to anybody else while I'm gone!

See? I told you. Everybody feels better once they've had their hair done.

Thanks, Robbie. You're a wizard.

-IN CALIFORNIAN ACCENT:

-"Because you're worth it."

I do look like I could be going to a premiere, don't I?

Well, there is that wedding at the pop-up bar tonight.

Want to be my plus one? And a half.

I'm not sure if I'm ready for all that yet.

-And I'm getting pretty tired these days.

-No wonder.

Building a wean fair takes it out you,

-or so I'm told.

-DOOR OPENS

Listen, promise me you won't tell anyone, no' yet.

Mum's the word. Or not.

Did somebody say "Mum"?

Taking my name in vain.

Robbie, you never telt me Katy Perry was coming round!

-Aw, behave yourself.

-Aye, you're right.

She's no' got nothing on you.

-You look lovely. Are you going to this wedding tonight?

-Naw!

You look gorgeous.

You cannae waste it on a night in with me.

I'll watch Callum. You go out and enjoy yourself.

-You deserve it.

-Amen to that.

Right, I'll think about it.

I do scrub up all right, don't I?

-You're a good man, Robbie.

-One tries!

Gary's very lucky.

Aye, he certainly is. Oh, my God!

-Five missed calls.

-What is it? What's happened?

I was meant to be looking after the bar for him.

-You'd better go!

-He's going to kill me.

A peach schnapps and lemonade? That to drink with your play-piece?

Come back to me when you've got some hair on your face.

How long were you in that toilet for, missus?

Vindaloo last night?

Well, as long as you washed your hands.

-Is Gary...?

-Aye, he's just back from the school with Jenny.

Where were you skiving off to?

Hurricane Adams pure blew me down the street. Is he mad?

You know Gary. He doesnae get mad.

He just goes silent and lets you know how disappointed in you he is.

That's even worse.

-He's going to make curtains out of your skin.

-Oh, God!

Hi! Did everything go all right today?

Oh, no, what happened?

It turned out fine.

The school says they'll represent me to the exam board.

That's great!

-Well done.

-Thank you.

No, don't thank him.

I really needed you today, Robbie. So did Jenny and...

..you let us both down.

I know, I just got caught up with Kelly-Marie.

She's a bit fragile since she lost her job here.

Well, it's clear where your priorities are.

-Sorry.

-It's not me you should be apologising to.

Sorry, Jenny.

The more you give, Robbie, the more she'll take.

It won't happen again!

I'll...put Kelly-Marie on the back burner for a while.

How's that?

BOB SIGHS

Listen, things have got way out of hand and I just...

I just want you there the night, all right?

A bit late for that. Not after Cassie poisoned Ellie against me.

Aye, cos you two were getting on just fine up till then.

It's nothing I couldn't have sorted out,

but Cassie had to open her big mouth.

-But that's what she does, isn't it?

-Right, that is enough.

She's making you dance about like a daftie.

-Now she's set Ellie on a crusade against me.

-Exactly.

Your problem is with Ellie, not me.

Cassie's a decent person that just wants to stay in this country.

You're letting her come between us.

You've just met her and suddenly it's like I don't matter.

All I'm hearing from you is jealousy and spite.

Oh, is that what you think of me, then, aye?

No.

Here's what I think of you - you're petty and small.

You're an angry wee man that gets eaten up inside

-at other people's happiness.

-Is that so?

Well, if you think that little of me,

maybe I'll just give the Home Office a wee phone.

-You wouldn't dae that.

-Somebody has to stop her.

-Go, then.

-What?

-Go. Phone them.

I want to see you dae it.

I want to see what kind of man you are.

All right, then, I will.

HE DIALS

Hello, can I have the number for the UK Home Office, please?

Aye, just put me straight through.

Department of Immigration, please.

Aye, hello, I just want to report a fake wedding.

Unbelievable.

Aye, it's taking place in Glasgow this evening.

Aye, I'll hold.

You know what?

I'll sue you for the five grand.

-BOB SCOFFS

-How American.

I don't know if I want to do this pre-wedding drinks thing

with you and Angel.

I mean, what if you don't show up?

Ha-ha(!)

-SHE KNOCKS

-Hiya.

Hey. Jenny said I could come straight up. Is that all right?

Aye, you're here now, so I suppose it'll need to be.

Look, Gary, don't blame Robbie for what happened - it was my fault.

I needed him.

What did you need him for?

To shake the can of hairspray?

He was just being a friend.

It's me, I just...

..need looking after.

It's been a trying day for us all, let's just put it down to that.

Do you know what would make this situation 100 times better?

A wedding!

-I'm still not sure about that.

-Come on!

Me and Gary are going to go for pre-wedding drinks at Angel's flat.

-Don't you mean your flat?

-No.

I've, erm...

I moved in here with Gary.

-I was going to tell you...

-But you didnae.

So, I don't really feel like going to "Angel's" flat.

Look, you're my friend, she's my friend.

I cannae be exclusive to any one of you, that's not fair.

-Don't make me choose again.

-I think you already have.

-Kelly!

Ooft! Watch yourself, that rain cloud over your heid

is going to get the wean wet.

I'm scunnered with all this nonsense with Angus.

He thinks he's "turning a corner". Aye, straight into a bus lane.

Are yous two still arguing about this?

It's went a bit beyond an argument.

How, what happened?

He's raging because I phoned the Home Office.

-You did whit?!

-Don't you start, eh?

He's the one that's screwing everything up, no' me!

I thought he said he'd always be there for me.

-Aye, but...

-No, but Angel rings the bell and he goes running to her.

After me going over there to bail him out an' all!

Maybe he was just thinking...

Do you know, Gary would still no' be talking to him,

-but I ask him to skip drinks with Angel...

-Kelly-Marie!

Every time that woman's name comes up,

a Tasmanian devil comes out of you.

So you're taking her side now?

Of course not, but she made a mistake.

-Folk deserve a second chance.

-A second chance?

That's what I gave Alex,

and then when my back's turned, he jumps into bed with that tramp.

Alex uses folk.

He did it to you and, for all we know, he did it to her.

If you want Robbie in your life,

you're going to have to forgive Angel.

I don't know if I can.

For so long, hating her is the only thing I've been able to feel.

See without that, I've nothing.

-I'm just empty.

-Kelly...

..you've got me, you've got Callum, you've got the whole family.

And soon enough, you're going to have another wee one to think about.

How did you know?

Did Robbie say something?

I guessed a few weeks ago, darling.

Mammies know they things.

Oh, Mum, what am I going to dae?

After David, I-I don't know if I can handle this.

Of course you can.

I'll be with you every step of the way.

Now, this wee baby needs you to be strong,

so you need to sort your heid out.

Don't be wasting your time on stuff that just doesnae matter.

You can't have any bad blood hanging over you, Kelly.

Robbie is your best pal and you're going to need him,

so you need to bury the hatchet with Angel.

And I don't mean in her skull.

Everything's going to be all right, darling. I promise you.

"It's great that you are all here today,

"which is why it is especially sad that..."

HE SIGHS

"It is with immense sorrow and deep regret that I announce..."

"All right, everybody, the wedding's off.

"Beat it."

HE SIGHS

Ta-da!

Awww!

It's weird, it's almost like it could actually happen.

You'd better hope it happens!

Yeah, it is what it is, right? It's an arrangement, whatever,

but still, as soon as you're into that wedding dress...

it's serious.

-You look amazing.

-Thank you!

Are you crying?

-No, I'm fine, don't be daft.

-What's wrong?

It's Patrick.

One minute, I think we're fine,

the next, he's refusing to be near me.

"Want to hang out?" "No." "OK, see ya."

That's how you deal with it.

But I really like him.

What is it with Scottish women?

You just don't get it.

Dump his ass.

Then you'll find out how committed he is.

I don't want to dump him.

Well, then, shut up about it.

SHE CHUCKLES

Am I too blunt? Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm too blunt.

You are.

But you're also right.

You know it.

Mmm-hmm!

So, you're feeling better?

I have good days and bad days.

On the good days, I think I'm lucky to be alive.

On the bad ones...

I wish I wasn't.

Oh, never mind old misery guts and his ailments.

At your age, I'd have been rolling my eyes.

Don't be daft, I'm just glad you're all right.

That's very kind of you, Patrick,

but I'm sure you must have better things to do with your time.

Not at all.

I've got nothing on, I'm free all night.

Right,

let's take a look at these photies,

just to see how dull my life is in comparison.

Ah, that was me with an old friend of mine.

Haven't spoken to him in 30 years.

My God, he might even be dead by now.

Just think, before photos... people just...

forgot things that happened to them.

Memories just...

..disappeared, like the past never happened.

-Sometimes I think that's better.

-Something on your mind, Patrick?

Ach, just...

..the time I spent in care.

It never leaves you.

I wish I could just...

-..erase everything up here.

-But things are better for you now.

I've seen you stepping out with Angel.

-Aye, she's something.

-She's more than something.

Listen, I've been a selfish man all my life, Patrick.

Always out for myself.

But that heart attack was karma, divine justice.

Don't be daft.

It's because I left you on your own in the gym.

No other reason.

I woke up having touched the face of death.

Every mistake I've ever made is now clear to me.

-I know how that feels.

-Then listen to me, son.

Life needs to be about other people.

That's what counts.

-Ooh, that hits the spot.

-SHE CHUCKLES

Is Patrick coming round or are we just going to meet him there?

He's probably just finishing up getting ready.

Just...maybe we give him five minutes?

Och, I'm sure he'll be here soon.

Well, if he isn't, I'll wait.

No sense in all of us turning up to a wedding fashionably late.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-As if by magic!

HE MOUTHS SILENTLY

-Oh, it's you.

-Can I come in?

Please?

Right.

Hey.

Erm, I was just wondering if I could join yous.

Of course you can.

I knew you wouldn't let that hairdo go to waste.

I'll get you a drink. What are you having?

Orange juice, please.

I'm pacing myself.

Very wise. I should be doing the same but I'm no'.

More wine, please! Ha-ha!

I'll go and...help him pour that wine.

So, is-is Patrick coming?

You'd think.

Well, I'm sure he's on his way.

Yeah.

-Listen, Angel...

-Save it.

You can chuck me out of the Tall Ship, but not out of my own flat.

ROMANTIC MUSIC

-GUESTS:

-Aww!

-APPLAUSE

You look amazing.

That's the first time you've said something romantic to me

as though you meant it.

That's because I do mean it.

Well, we've got the bride, the groom, the guests, the venue,

the registrar.

The dress.

There's a "but" coming, isn't there?

But we don't have the best man.

It's worse than that.

Bob phoned the Home Office.

(He did what?!)

(Are they coming here?)

I would imagine so.

Who's that dude?

Who?

I don't recognise him.

He sure is asking plenty of questions.

What if that's them?

-Maybe one of the guests brought him along?

-Aye, maybe.

It was a fairly open invite.

There's nothing we can do now.

-We've just got to put our game faces on and get married.

-No.

We can't go through with this.

Hi, Robbie.

Yeah, that's me on my way.

No...just me.

Shall we?

I thought you'd never ask.

-This is great!

-Hiya!

Thanks for coming.

Ooh, very chic. I like it.

-I've got an eye for good design.

-Angus, you look so smart.

-I might have a tear in my eye later.

-So will I, when I get the bill!

My brother being fashionably late, as usual?

That's one way to put it, aye.

Just what you need from your best man, eh?

-Shall we get a drink?

-Aye.

I don't care what you say, we are going through with this.

I am not letting some government bureaucrat spoil my big day.

And I'm not ending up in the slammer

so you can twirl about in your frock.

Hey, we had a deal.

-A wedding was part of that deal.

-I'm sorry...

..it's not happening.

Can I have everyone's attention, please?

Thank you all so much for coming out at such short notice today.

It really means a lot to Cassie and myself.

-And doesn't she look gorgeous?

-Yes.

-She certainly does.

Now, it really was important to us

that we had a really great turnout for today,

of all the best people,

for the opening of this new pop-up bar.

I wanted it to be really special.

We both did.

So that's why we decided to have our "pop-up" wedding here as well.

But...unfortunately,

I'm afraid I'm going to have to...

Call this a wedding?

It's not a wedding till the best man's here.

GUESTS MUTTER

-You've got some nerve showing up here.

-Listen, mate,

all this with Ellie, it's been eating away at me.

I couldn't think straight.

That's all well and good, but what about the Home Office coming down?

I couldn't do it, mate.

They tried to phone me back to get the details,

but I just never lifted the phone.

What do you want, the Victoria Cross?

-I needed you the day and you put me through hell.

-I know.

-I was just angry at you.

-For what?

Following my dreams or trying to be happy?

To be honest, aye.

I don't need to agree with your decision, but I need to respect it.

Forget about Ellie, forget about Cassie.

I just couldnae bear the thought of losing you.

Aye, don't break into song.

I'll tell you, Bob, you are really hard work at times.

But you're still my pal.

-So, if you don't mind, can I get married now?

-Aye.

We are gathered together

to witness the formal joining of Cassie and Angus.

I, Angus Peter Lindsay...

..take you, Cassie Andrea Evans, to be my lawfully-wedded wife.

I, Cassie Andrea Evans,

take you, Angus Peter Lindsay, to be my lawfully-wedded husband.

# Come sail your ships around me

# And burn your bridges down

# We make a little history, baby

# Every time you come around

# Come loose your dogs upon me

# And let your hair hang down WHOOPING

# You are a little mystery to me... #

DANCE MUSIC, CHATTER

INDISTINCT CHATTER

I'll get it.

Excuse me, mate, can I have another glass of champagne?

Turned out all right, didn't it?

For a sham wedding you were boycotting.

I'm glad I came.

I'm glad you did too.

-Do you want a drink?

-Yeah.

What do you want?

You decide.

Pint of heavy it is, then.

Look, if you're going to give me

the big speech about how I'd better not hurt your brother, just save it.

Naw, I wisnae going to say that.

What I was going to say is that it's good to see him smiling

and happy for once.

Right.

Sorry.

You really like him, don't you?

I really do.

Kelly-Marie, if I could change everything

that happened between Alex and me, I would,

-but I can't...

-Angel, listen,

we're never going to be close friends.

But I need to be able to wake up in the morning

and not hate you, or else I'm finished.

So...

..forgive me for not forgiving you.

Please.

-CHUCKLING:

-I've been waiting a long time for you to say that.

And the job in the treatment room is yours.

If you want it.

Oh, aye, what's going on here?

The Berlin Wall come down again?

Come here, you.

Right, you better not hurt him!

MUSIC: Over And Over by Hot Chip

Ah, Mrs Lindsay.

How are you this evening?

Mrs Lindsay?

I'll tell you what,

you can call me that if the Home Office is around, but only then.

Fair enough.

How about "my darling cherry blossom"?

-Yuck!

-Mmm!

Well, I wouldn't exactly say it went off without a hitch,

but it went off.

Oh, there was a hitch.

We got married!

And opened a bar!

Well, it might have opened, but it's still got to launch.

This is going to be a long night.

Yeah, our idea worked.

-Oh, so it's OUR idea now, is it?

-Exactly.

When it works, it's our idea,

and, if it doesn't work, it's your idea.

So here's another idea.

How about we kiss again in front of all these people?

For the Home Office?

Just to keep up appearances.

-GUESTS:

-Whoo-hoo-hoo!

So was that my idea, or our idea?

I can't remember.

I've been thinking...

wouldn't it look weird if we left here and went to different beds?

SHE CHORTLES

Don't push it.

-A dance instead?

-A dance is fine.

I'll pretend like I'm enjoying it.

MUSIC: Galvanize by The Chemical Brothers

-Tune!

-Hee-hee!

Listen, I'm really sorry the way I've been recently.

It's forgotten. Don't worry about it.

Do you know what?

I think this could be a fresh start for me.

In mair ways than one.

If you need anything, I'm here.

Just fire up the Bat-Signal and I'll come running in my cape.

I'm so proud of you.

I couldn't have done it without you.

-Know what else you couldn't do without me?

-Whit?

This! Whoo!

Whoohoo!

Do you know what? It was actually quite romantic, wasn't it?

See? I telt ye, you don't know what's real and what's no'.

Still trying to work it out.

I'm gonnae get another drink. Ye want anything?

Eh, just a glass of water.

-Cheap date.

-Mm-hm.

Can I have a word?

Aye, of course you can.

-What's up?

-Look, you know exactly what you're doing, don't you?

Excuse me?

You can't just pick Bob up and put him back down again like a toy.

What you're doing to him isn't fair.

Ellie, Bob's a grown man, he can talk to who he wants.

Bob's a nice guy. He's letting you live in his flat.

He'd never see you and the baby out in the street.

That's why, if you're not actually in love with him,

-you need to back away.

-Do you actually realise

how paranoid and insecure you sound?

Maybe if you got your heid together,

then he wouldn't need to come to me for advice.

-Oh, here he is! Hugh Hefner.

-What's going on?

-Do you know, Bob,

I've been asking myself exactly the same thing.

She's got it into her head that I'm leading you on.

-Whoa. Ellie, you've got it all wrong.

-Really?

And yet here you are with her, and not with me.

You wouldnae talk to me!

All I was trying to do was get you to see things more clearly.

Oh, I can see clearly enough.

In fact, my eyes are wide open.

See seeing as you're the one he keeps coming to for advice,

he's your responsibility.

Wait a wee minute, Ellie. What exactly are you saying?

I'm saying if you want a wee dog, Stella, you can feed him

-and take him out for walks.

-STELLA GUFFAWS

I'm done.

Ellie!

STELLA SIGHS

Well...

..that's that, then.

Is she actually for real?

She actually thinks that we're up to something.

I know! It's ridiculous.

It's not like we even got on that well half the time

when we were together.

I know. All that arguing.

All that fighting.

-Where did that leave us, eh?

-Exactly.

We're baith still miserable.

And alone.

MUSIC: Blame It On Me by George Ezra

# What you waiting for

# Now, what you waiting for?

# What you waiting for

# Now, what you waiting for? #

-I can explain.

-I think you'd better.

It's not true, I wasn't involved.

So why does she keep persecuting you, then?

As if I would ever do such a thing.

If I was guilty of anything, it was of turning a blind eye.

Why don't you just do what you did the last time and kick me out,

you heartless cow? This is all your fault. ALL OF IT!

You sit there, playing the victim like some doddering old man!

Talking about suffering, but you've got nae idea!

Do you want know what suffering is, dae ye?!