20/12/2016 River City

I'm just so lucky that I've got role models like Andy.

It means so much to me. To Dad, too.

-What have you got yourself into, Pete?

-I don't know, AJ.

But it's got me run ragged.

It's from the Medical Care Collective.

We need it to complete the registration.

If you've got something to say, say it in front of everybody.

-You got something to hide?

-I was the one that got abused.

-Patrick!

What did you take, mate? Ma, phone an ambulance!

If you want to know where your granddaughter is,

you better keep me on side.

Merry Christmas. Here we are, there's a wee selection box for you.

Come on, darling, we'd better go.

Madonna...!

Come on, pet. We're going to be late.

Here you are, darling. Share it.

Don't let me down, OK?

Merry Christmas, Uncle Lenny!

-And to you, pal. And a happy birthday.

-Thanks.

-You're out and about early this morning.

-We're at mass.

Oh, right.

Hope you put a good word in for me.

I did mention you in my private intentions.

That's very kind. Here, I've got a present for you.

-Please, Mum.

-No, you've got to go to your gran's so I can pick up Patrick.

-It's from her da.

-Well, he should've picked a better messenger boy.

Anyway, I think Uncle Lenny is going to be a bit busy the now.

We'll catch up soon, eh?

Compliments of the season.

What did I tell you? Social call. I'll be no time at all.

Ho, ho, ho!

I think you forgot the beard.

Beards bring Santa out in a rash something chronic, sweetheart.

The real Santa's back in the North Pole by now.

Aye, but he's not afraid to delegate.

Thanks!

Don't eat them all at once.

So...what's the day got in store?

I'm away to pick up Patrick from the hospital.

Right, right...

How's the boy doing?

Better.

Joy to the world, eh? Home for Christmas dinner.

Aye, well...

I don't know what there is in to eat. Come on, Madonna.

Are you just here to drop off a card, are you?

-You know, I don't think you're on my list.

-What else, then?

We've got nothing left to say to each other.

You're back out there, making deals, making connections.

You're being brazen about it.

Oh, a man doesn't like to hide his light under a bushel.

It's like you think you're untouchable cos you've got this dirt on me.

Yeah, you did turn out to be a pleasant surprise.

Hm... Well, not any more.

You know and I know,

you cause me any real bother, I can end your career.

Not if I end it first.

You're quitting?

More of a...strategic withdrawal.

I'm going to go and visit some friends down south, in the Met.

Friends? You?

But I will be leaving my successor a wee gift.

A file, a dossier of everything I know about you.

Inadmissible. All of it.

Aye.

But they'll know.

And somebody with a clean slate,

you know, no baggage,

they'll turn that knowledge into evidence, into proof.

You're going nowhere, mate.

You're hooked on me like a junkie on smack.

Well, it's Christmas. No better time to go cold turkey.

You know what?

Forget it. I've got more important things on my mind.

No doubt. Happy families, is it?

Definitely.

What does that mean?

I thought you'd just made it clear that me and my family...

are no longer any of your business.

Listen, if you're still punishing Amber...

Come on.

You know what it's like this time of year.

Everybody gets what they deserve.

Aye.

They do.

MUSIC IN DISTANCE: Away In A Manger

-Anything I can do to help?

-Och, no, I don't think so...

I've gone really lazy this year. We just need to bang it all in the oven.

Cheers.

Any luck getting through to your dad?

No. He's in transit, I guess.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Let me.

You're not still worried about Greig, are you?

No more than I am the other 364 days of the year.

Hello, hello.

Hello!

Season's greetings.

-Merry Christmas!

-Merry Christmas.

-Hi.

-Am I a bit early?

What? No!

-I mean, no.

-Great. Cool.

Find yourself a vase.

-Through here?

-Yeah.

Thank you.

I think I might pop out for a bit.

Oh, well, Mum's got company, hasn't she?

Yeah. Yeah, I guess she has.

Why do I get the feeling you weren't expecting me?

Well, I wasn't.

You sent me that little Christmas card.

I didn't send you anything.

No, this is weird.

I think this might be somebody's idea of a joke.

-Let me help.

-I can do it!

You clearly can't.

There.

Done.

I knew it would suit you.

-Sorry I didn't get you anything.

-Hey, you're here with me.

That's all I've ever wanted.

-KNOCKING ON DOOR

-Let's not answer it.

What?

It's the Ghost of Christmas Past.

Ah, glad to see all that money I spent on your education

wasn't completely wasted.

What do you want, Dad?

Company.

Me and Alex rattling about in that big flat, it's not very festive.

-Well, we're happy here, thanks.

-I wasn't inviting you.

I'm happy here, too.

There's a bit more to it than that.

Your pal, Officer Dribble, paid me a visit.

Go on.

He seems to think that somebody might use you to get to me.

Somebody?

Seems I'm not as popular as I think.

SHE SCOFFS

Well, I'm not coming.

Maybe we should have a think about this.

You've got a choice.

I either put two guys on the couch with you

or you can spend a day at the flat.

-Och, can't your goons just wait outside?

-No.

I want eyes on you...

and protection nearby.

Oh...!

Guns, too. This day just gets better and better(!)

We were having a fun day.

You should be nicer to me.

If you want to know a little bit more about you know who.

I'll keep that in mind.

Drew, get me the tool box! It's in the bog!

-Going to leave me standing here?

-Oh, right.

What do you want the tool box for, anyway?

-I need to change the plug on the hairdryer.

-Your hair's lovely.

-I know. It's for the turkey.

-OK...

Bloody thing's nowhere near defrosted.

I need to give it a blast.

I don't want to get all nanny state on you, doll, but...

It's Ellie's fault. She's meant to be here helping out.

-She's running late?

-She's not coming at all.

She's away to see our mother.

-Oh, God...

-Aye.

"I'll be back in the New Year."

As if she'll be able to escape the old woman's clutches that quick.

Drew, my boy!

-Merry Christmas.

-And to you, son. And to you.

Right, let's get this bird heated up.

Don't!

Don't. Seriously.

Have you got any better ideas?

Let me think, woman.

Do you want me to take your bag in?

Aye. I just need a minute.

Of course, aye.

Well, fresh air'll be good for you, after being cooped up all that time.

Aye.

But I think I'm better off

-staying on the ward for a couple of days.

-No!

I just don't want to ruin Christmas.

Patrick, having you back is going to make Christmas. I'm telling you.

I could call the nurse, see if there's any beds available.

Do you really think you need it?

I feel good. It's just...

..seeing folk.

Folk seeing me. You know, with them all knowing now.

Patrick, listen to me.

The only folk who count care about you and support you.

I just don't feel good being out and about.

Aye, well, pig out in front of the telly with a box of chocolates

like the rest of the world.

You can fight Molly for the purple ones.

-We're where you belong.

-Still?

Always.

Come on...

Wa-hey! Patrick, how are we?

You're look fighting fit, let me tell you.

Cheers, Pete.

I'm doing not bad.

Away up the house now, eh?

I need to work miracles to get the dinner ready.

Do you need a hand with anything?

It's not Santa Claus that turns water into wine, is it?

Soy sauce, lemon juice...

Oregano...

Ah! Oregano.

Oh... You're busy.

Did you want something?

I was going to make a cup of tea, but it can wait.

I'll just be a minute. I'm just making sure I've got everything.

You see, what you do is you put the turkey in a bag

then you drop in the herbs and spices and let it marinate through,

ideally overnight, but I didn't have the energy after closing up.

A bag?

You even cook it in the bag.

Call me old-fashioned but I hanker after simpler times,

-stuffing and so on.

-You get that, too, but it's cooked separately.

But if it hasn't ever been stuffed up anything,

surely it's not stuffing?

-This sounds like a fascinating debate.

-Totally.

I found this...

-down the side of the sofa.

-Oh...

It must've slipped down.

Yes, that's the only possible explanation.

"Wishing you lots of festive fun, Dad & Lawrence."

"Feliz navidad"?

-They're in Mexico.

-How nice.

And using the ampersand, like a real couple.

The herbs can wait, I'll erm...put the kettle on.

Oh, I think I might risk a drink instead.

'Tis the season, after all.

HE SIGHS HEAVILY

Can I get you a drink?

I know it's early, but different rules at Christmas.

Just tell me what you want.

Post? That could've waited.

But this couldn't.

Look, I don't want any gifts, OK? I don't want anything from you.

No, I understand that, but...

it's a hangover from a different time and place.

You'll see what I mean.

How is this not a gift?

I ordered it weeks ago, before...everything.

I completely forgot about it until the delivery guy turned up yesterday.

There's no returns.

It's... It's bespoke.

Be a shame to let something so beautiful go to waste.

Erm...I'll just leave you in peace.

-I'd rather come with you.

-That's not an option.

Please, take the bag.

Oh, hi.

Don't rush off on our account.

Yeah. The more the merrier.

Not always.

Why are you here?

Dad gave us an invitation we couldn't refuse.

How very him.

Hello.

Ah! Come in, come in, come in, come in.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

I made a card for my dad.

-Oh, I'll see he gets this.

-When?

Maybe tomorrow. One day this week, definitely.

OK, thanks.

Oh, here, here, wait.

Your dad got you something, too, didn't he?

Oh, yeah.

Here we go...

What's wrong?

Nothing. Erm...have you got a gun?

Och, no, no, no, no. That's just an old toy I keep.

Even if it was real,

you wouldn't ever have to worry about it, darling.

-You got me?

-Got it.

-Good.

Only, don't tell anybody. Because some people, they overreact.

You shouldn't be here!

Honestly, I turn my back for a second...

-She's no trouble.

-I know she isn't.

This is from my dad.

Well, you've got it now, I suppose. Come on.

-Drop in any time.

-Huh!

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Yeah, that's fine. Just remember...no rough stuff.

Not until you've talked to me.

Bye, son. Love you. Merry...

How are you doing, brother mine?

-All systems go?

-Aye, you know me. Clockwork.

Good man.

-I know you thought that turkey was a bit on the large side...

-A bit?

When I was stuffing it, I felt like Rod Hull.

Aye, sorry.

Look, don't worry, I used the Oyster kitchen.

I just want today to be really chilled out, you know?

It's been a really full-on few months and I just want to kick back.

I know exactly where you're coming from. 100%.

-I think we've been living together too long.

-How?

Because I can tell when you've got something on your mind

and you're scared to spill it.

-I wouldn't say scared, exactly.

-Pete...

You said it yourself, the bird's too big for two.

Have you invited people round?

Not exactly.

HE SIGHS HEAVILY

THEY LAUGH

-Sounds like they're having a blast.

-Hm?

Oh, yeah.

Guys, you've got to settle an argument here.

Oh, no, there's no argument. There's only one right way to do this.

-Now, do you...?

-Or...?

No interruptions, please.

Now, do you or do you not put a little cross in the bottom, like so?

Not.

Conspiracy.

I'm just trying to get over the fact that you brought your own pinnie.

He didn't. That's my dad's.

I gave it to him two years ago.

-You don't mind me wearing it, do you?

-How could I?

You're practically part of the family.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-I'll go.

Someone's being very helpful today.

Oh, isn't she just?

Well, what are you waiting for, Nigella? Back in the kitchen.

Can't I be a Hairy Biker?

Ta-da!

Eh, up.

I thought...

I thought you were in transit.

Well, I was. To here.

Merry Christmas, missus.

-Daddy!

-Oh, hello, superstar!

Oh... How are you?

I just can't believe you're here.

You'd better get used to it. Because that's me back for good.

Come on, Frankie, group hug.

OK, but no photographic evidence.

-Welcome home, mate.

-All right, bud?

Yeah, welcome home...

Oh...!

Oh, all home together.

Lovely!

-Are you OK now, Patrick?

-I am, pal.

Cool.

-Were you a good wee girl for your gran?

-Oh, as good as gold.

Who's that present from?

Cool!

Oh, aye, nice watch.

I got it from my dad.

She just nipped into the cab office.

30 seconds.

-Oh, and happy birthday, by the way.

-Thanks.

Yeah, I'll get you a wee present when the shop opens, I promise.

Oh, don't worry about it, relax.

-Nobody ever relaxes when they get told to relax, Ma.

-I know. Sorry.

Everybody in for a selfie.

Patrick, come on.

Get closer, Mum. I'm cutting your head off.

After three, everybody shout jingle bells. One, two, three...

-ALL:

-Jingle bells!

BACKGROUND MUSIC: Walking In The Air

Right.

Cheeky bucks fizz. Let's get the ball rolling.

-Cheers.

-What about you, Grinch-boy?

I think I'll pass.

Well, we're stuck here. Might as well enjoy ourselves.

Stuck?

Why? What does she mean?

SHE TURNS TV OFF

Haven't you even told him?

-He's not involved.

-Told me what?

Dad's up to his old tricks again.

I never said that.

Some dodgy types might be looking to cause trouble,

so it was come here or spend the day surrounded by armed thugs.

Oh, come on, now. Thugs is a bit harsh.

Guns, threats...

-I thought we were done with all that gangster crap.

-I have. More or less.

Lenny, we're running a care home business.

And a grand job you're doing of it.

If you do anything to jeopardise it, I swear to God...

Come on, it's Christmas.

No need for threats.

Here, that going spare?

I'll just... I'll leave this here,

in case I forget to take it to Jimmy, you know?

Poor guy, banged up at Christmas time,

away from his wean...

I can't think of anything worse.

Anyway...

Absent friends.

Absent friends.

Och, I'll rustle up something, eh?

I'm sorry.

It's down to me that you've not got everything you need for Christmas.

Don't be daft. I've got all the folk I need. That's the main thing.

Well, can I do something to help?

You can peel some spuds, if you want. If only I had some.

-Hot, hot, hot!

-I told you to wear oven gloves, you halfwit.

-What's all this?

-Grub. Scran. Nosh. Vittals.

-Christmas dinner with all the trimmings.

-No.

Sorry?

-We're not wanting charity.

-Speak for yourself, doll.

Keep out of this, you! Just cos Alasdair and Liz

are away doing a soup kitchen doesn't mean we want one in here.

It's not for myself.

I eat like a bird.

But Madonna loves a wishbone

and you don't get one in a packet of fish fingers.

That's the thinking.

No-one's saying you're desperate. You've just had a tough week.

It's a wonderful, kind-hearted, Christian gesture.

Er, Molly...

What do you say, doll?

I say...thanks. Thanks very much.

You're very welcome.

Why don't you stay and join us? I mean, we'd love to have you.

Well, we've...

-There's other stuff.

-We'll pop back later, have a drink.

-Aye.

If you've a couple of spare mince pies,

don't be shy about dropping them in.

I'll see what I can do.

Listen, guys, erm...

..it's much appreciated. Thank you.

One more snowball, madam.

Well, it is Christmas.

One of the joys of living in a pub, we've got everything.

Doesn't mean you have to drink everything.

Are you suggesting I'm taking advantage?

-Lighten up, woman.

-Well, I'm happy to start a tab.

I tell you what, we'll put your pension book behind the bar,

just in case we get desperate.

How's it looking, chef?

Turkey is in the oven.

-And the piggies?

-In their blankets and in the oven.

Genius. Is there anything else I need to do?

Please, say no! Please, say no!

Whack the spuds in at quarter to.

-I'm going to go and see if I can get through to Jenny.

-You missing her?

I'm trying to just be...proud.

Well, you should be.

She seems like a remarkable girl.

-All things considered.

-What things?

Broken home. Absent father.

Absent gay father.

-Can't have been easy.

-I'm sure it wasn't.

What has being gay got to do with anything?

Oh, nothing.

Clearly, all homosexuals should have children

and then shoogle off and do what they like.

That's not what happened and you don't even know the story.

Well, perhaps you can enlighten me over lunch.

I think we'll just stick to telling the jokes in the crackers, yeah?

Quarter to, don't forget.

Behave yourself or that will be your last.

MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND

Get off me, you crazy man!

Come on, it's been ages since we've had a boogie.

Sorry, did you just say the word "boogie"?

Don't you pretend you that don't love my big romantic gestures.

You've been in on this from the start.

-In on what?

-Me coming home.

I'm so good at keeping secrets.

-Listen, guys, I'm going to make a move.

-What?

No way.

I only came to help out, but it seems like you've

got everything covered.

Totally, but that doesn't mean you have to go home and eat beans on toast on your own. Tell him.

Yeah, tell him, Mum.

Yeah, you really should stay.

Well, if you're sure.

Positive.

We'll need somebody stuck in the kitchen cooking whilst I'm doing my dancing.

Sorry, did I just lose my appetite or was that the will to live?

OK, let's leave these "grown-ups" in peace.

Katie, go and get your new scooter, we're going out.

Great! Cool!

-Frankie?

-Oh, do I have to come?

Well, me and your mammy's going to have another dance

and then Andy and I are going to sit down and have a reminisce, so...

He can be really insensitive sometimes, eh?

What? Sorry?

Well, I saw the look on your face when Lenny was talking about being in prison

and Christmas and kids...

There was no look.

Oh, come on.

Genuinely. I made my choice a long time ago.

There's no point getting sentimental about it.

Not even at Christmas?

You're a tough cookie, Amber Murdoch.

Good. If I wasn't I'd crumble, wouldn't I?

-I wonder if she ever talks about...?

-Can you just drop it?

Sorry.

Do you know how I handle the situation?

I don't think about it. I don't talk about it, ever.

If you want to stay in my life, you need to do the same.

Ah...

You two girls have been busy, eh?

We're just making the place look presentable, aren't we?

Something like that.

Yeah, well I know it's difficult circumstances, but...

..I'm glad we're together.

Oh, aye. God bless us, every one(!)

Oooh!

Do you think they've got all the excitement out of their systems yet?

We've only been gone five minutes.

-I'd forgotten what my dad was like.

-I haven't.

Nice for Mum, though.

You know, her two favourite men running around after her.

Mm-hm.

Hey, you're not working today, are you?

-I wish I was. I could do with the rest.

-I know what you mean.

Lorna's got a full house - Greig's home.

Oh, right. How is he?

Same as ever. Have you heard from Harry?

Oh, he's having an absolute blast.

The view's amazing, even though it's night-time over there,

plus he says he's not seeing that girl, but I'm pretty sure he is...

I haven't.

I couldn't get through. No answer.

-Oh.

-Yeah.

Well, you can't always rely on the signal.

-Well, it worked for you.

-You could try texting.

I have. I did.

He's...ignoring me.

I think he's punishing me.

-I'm sure it's not deliberate.

-Feels like it is.

Last Christmas feels like a lifetime ago, eh?

No. It feels like yesterday.

-Come on, come on, get a move on.

-I'm having a conversation.

Sorry, sorry, but I think my fingers are going to burn off.

I'll let you two get on with it.

Cheers, Doc, and season's greetings.

Merry Christmas, Pete.

If you want to escape later, why don't you pop round later?

-Aye, definitely.

-That's very kind.

Katie, come on.

DOOR CLOSES

Hey...!

Right, coats off and hands washed, dinner's nearly ready.

T minus five minutes. I repeat, T minus five minutes.

-This is really nice.

-Yeah.

I didn't know you were going to go back to your maiden name.

-Well, I'm sure I will some day.

-Yeah.

And I'm sure this'll end up in a charity shop window by Hogmanay.

T minus four minutes. I repeat...

We get it. We get it, guys.

Have you spoken to AJ?

Oh, sorry. I just need to read this letter.

-Now?

-Yes.

It's Christmas Day!

I know what day it is, Lorna!

See these two, Drew? Pair of angels.

It is brilliant, Da.

Aye, you don't want salmonella for Christmas, do you?

Come here, you.

Thanks, doll, but AJ did all the hard work.

-Can't leave you out, then, can we?

-It was an absolute...

pleasure.

-Well, are you sticking around?

-Well?

No. We'll leave you to it. I fancy a quiet one.

Aye, I'm the same.

RUBY! DINNER!

-I can't thank you enough. Come here.

-You have...

already.

Ah...

-Come on.

-Oh, no, I'd really rather not.

TEXT MESSAGE ALERT

Go on, then. I'll do it.

ENTRYPHONE BUZZES

-Shall I pop some Christmas music on?

-Yeah, why not.

You know what I love at this time of the year?

Johnny Mathis, When A Child Is Born.

Ah...

-Well, doesn't this look lovely?

-Pull out a chair.

-I'd rather stick needles in my eyes.

-I can make that happen.

You're not funny.

We'll see if the joke in the cracker's any better?

See, the joke is thinking we could trust you.

With anything.

-Oh, penny dropped, has it?

-Patronising, too. Brilliant!

Oh, that's great, coming from you.

What did you think, you could pat me on the head,

treat me like one of your sad old souls?

-You're certainly not that.

-You're damn right I'm not.

I got the same letter.

It's an offer to buy, we don't have to accept.

No, because he already has.

What do you mean?

This came direct, not via our lawyer.

-So? That could be a tactic.

-It's a conflict of interest.

-Our lawyer's working for Lenny.

-Is that right?

Yeah, of course it is. Wake up, for God's sake!

Guys, guys...

No business today, eh? Family time.

Don't try and be sentimental.

You know, that is a human emotion.

Maybe you want to shut your mouth before I forget my manners.

-Don't talk to her like that!

-Oh, sorry.

But she's spoiling the mood.

You know, this is supposed to be a beautiful family moment.

You know it's not every day

that a guy gets to get in contact with his granddaughter.

Is it...Amber?

Please, no.

-What are you talking about?

-Your sister here, she had a wean in jail.

Tried to keep her away from me.

Gave her to a some weasel of a guy to raise.

-Fraser's her father!

-Yeah, I'm her grandfather.

Then, she'll never know that! She'll never know you!

An hour from now, I'll be talking to her on the phone.

In a couple of days, we'll set up a meeting.

She's going to be sitting on her granda's knee before the year's out.

No.

Charlotte...

It's a beautiful name, eh?

You got that right.

You're a classy wee bugger. I'll give you that, AJ.

Oh, what have we here?

Voila!

I love a wee sprout.

Aye, well, you'll need to, there's nothing else.

-I thought you put stuff aside.

-I thought YOU put stuff aside.

Turkey legs?

"Oh, wee Madonna's got her heart set on a wishbone."

A beautiful, succulent breast?

Caitlin.

-Is this all we've got?

-There's mince pies in the oven.

Ah, well.

Of course, most of them are set aside, cos there's people wanting afters.

What have you done?

Have you sent someone?

You don't need to concern yourself with the details.

So you're going to have a stranger knock on her door on Christmas Day

and turn her life upside down?

You think I should have went myself?

I'm a stranger to her, too, thanks to you.

-I was in jail!

-Yeah, you got out the best part of a year ago!

Yeah, and I was right to keep her away from here, from you.

She's my blood.

Well, so are you and me.

So's he.

And how do you treat us?

Mind games and power struggles.

-The girl's better off wherever she is.

-You can stay out of it.

I'm already in it.

I've been in it since I saved your miserable, worthless life.

Oh, yeah, that happened.

And then I spared yours a wee while back, so I think we're even.

I wish I'd stepped over you in the street.

Well, wishing ain't going to make it so.

I'm in a good mood, but don't push your luck.

-No more threats, eh?

-Why not?

You know, I bet wee Charlotte's worth ten of yous.

-All of yous.

-Don't! Don't you dare say her name!

I will say whatever I like.

I'm the head of this family and I will be till the day I die.

She's going to know who she is and where she's from.

You were wrong, by the way.

I'm the Ghost of Christmas Future.

-So sorry.

-Don't touch me!

Amber, you're upset.

It was you.

You told him!

-Well, you know what they say - the truth will out.

-I did.

I deserved that. I know I did. Do it again.

-I can't even look at you.

-You are going to pay for this.

You know, a lot better people than you have said that to me, doll.

Don't want to cut yourself, do you?

No, Amber!

Amber!

-You're despicable.

-And you, you've outstayed your welcome.

Oh, you're going to make me leave?

You could just disappear.

You know, you're forgetting that I've seen your medical records.

I know how old and sick and weak you are.

Well, I reckon I'm still young.

Well and strong enough to put you in the ground.

You shouldn't forget that.

Not for a second.

I wanted to grab that knife and plant it in his gut!

Only if I get to twist it.

-You sure you'd be up to that?

-What?

Well, you went very quiet in there.

-You know, when he was threatening to kill me.

-I'd never let that happen.

-You know I wouldn't.

-No, I don't know anything.

He took that business from right under your nose.

-That's not the same.

-Of course it is!

He does what he wants and then he takes what he wants.

I'm sure he'd find a way to make you bury me.

No, don't. Don't say that.

He's poisoning everything.

Look what he's doing to Amber.

None of us will ever be free.

You're right. You're right, he's a monster.

And monsters need a stake through the heart.

Or a silver bullet.

No.

I'm not asking.

Good.

I know better.

Hi, guys. Just out for a stroll?

-Fresh air does you the power of good.

-Definitely.

Look at this, the gang's all here.

We just thought we'd give you a wee hand.

-Have you been feeding them, and all?

-We're a wee cottage industry.

-Do you like my watch?

-Yeah, it's nice.

Hold on, is this the reason we never saw sight of a chipolata?

Well, there's hunners of you. I bet you got all the stuffing.

-It's none of your business what we ate.

-Can we not argue, please?

-Aye, come on.

-She started it.

-Ma!

Well, I didn't know that you were handing round the begging bowl.

-I've never begged for nothing in my life.

-Enough!

Isn't Jenny away helping people far worse off?

So can we maybe take a minute here, count our blessings?

These are still warm.

-Will we have them alfresco?

-Any cream?

They can be a bit dry, those mince pies.

I've got the keys to the shop, I could go and grab some.

-And a cheeky wee nip of whisky while I'm at it.

-Oh, come on, son!

Aye, a wee whisky, eh?

HE HUMS MERRILY

Oh, did it all go?

Oh, enough left for a sandwich later on.

I don't think I could eat again for days.

Oh, Gary, that was a real feast,

whatever new-fangled, highfaluting method you used to cook it.

I'm glad you enjoyed it.

-Look, I don't know what you and your husband went through...

-No.

..but every story's different.

I didn't set out to hurt Caitlin.

And...I can't really say I've got any regrets because,

well, we have Jenny.

-Yes.

-And you have Robbie.

Yes.

-I mean, there are things you'd change...

-Gary.

Yeah?

You're a good boy.

But I'm going to go on hating Robbie's father for a long time yet.

OK. We're opening up soon.

So...why don't you come downstairs for another snowball?

-Wait! Listen, I'm sorry.

-Stay away from me!

I couldn't help it. You know what he's like.

And I know what you're like. He didn't threaten you.

He didn't beat it out of you.

You used my...

-You used her as a bargaining chip.

-I can help.

By going and never coming back!

You don't mean that, Red.

Don't I?

-Please, let me make this up to you.

-How?

Anything.

Anything you want. I can go up there and I can end him right now.

You're insane!

I'll put the gun to his head and I will pull the trigger.

-Let go of me!

-Do as she says.

This is nothing to do with you.

It is when I can have you back behind bars

before the Strictly Christmas special starts. Go on.

Move.

I'm not done here.

I promise.

What's going on?

SHE SOBS

Oh, hey. Hey...

It's OK. It's OK.

Still no answer from Annie.

Oh, she'll be OK.

Maybe she worked it out with Alex.

Seems like a good day for reunions, huh?

Is this hell for you?

It's a reality check.

Look...you and Greig belong together.

Anyone can see that.

Mm, yeah.

Aye, my two favourite people in the world, huh?

Making great food,

the kids are happy.

I mean, is it just me or is this not just like the best Christmas ever?

It's not just you.

Oh, you soppy git!

What can I say, mate? I love you like a brother.

HE HUMS

BANGING ON DOOR

Wow, some people can't wait to escape their families, eh?

Merry Christmas!

Why don't you guys grab a seat and I'll bring the drinks over?

Great. Can we get a large red wine and a large single malt, please?

Sure.

You know how my mother can be a bit of a nightmare sometimes?

A bit, yes.

We got off easy.

Why are you here?

You looked like you needed a friend.

No, I mean, why were you outside my house?

Oh, I've been doing a wee circuit of Shieldinch most of the day.

On your own?

I'm not officially on duty.

Oh, God. You were looking out for me.

Even after everything.

I talked to your dad this morning. There was something...

strange in the way he talked about you.

-You didn't tell him I was in danger?

-No. Not at all.

More lies...

just to keep me close while he...

While he what?

You're a good man, Craig.

I'm trying to be.

-Red wine. Single malt.

-Thank you.

You know, I think we might need to start a wee tab.

Yeah, I was beginning to think that.

So...

you want to tell me what's going on?

Oh, why the hell not?

The cat's well and truly out of the bag now.

Check me out.

Helping.

Don't exhaust yourself.

All right.

Lovely day, wasn't it?

Yeah, totally.

Brilliant surprise, that, your dad showing up.

How did you manage not to say anything?

I didn't want to spoil anything.

And asking Andy to come, too.

Well, they're best mates. Brothers in arms and all that, yeah?

Yeah.

I just didn't think the reunion would be complete otherwise.

So you writing Andy a card, in my handwriting,

that was all to make sure that we had a lovely Christmas?

And it all worked out beautifully in the end, didn't it?

Oh, yeah.

Beautifully.

I could help you try and find her, if that's what you want.

I don't know what I want.

OK.

-You must think I'm despicable.

-No.

I gave my daughter away.

She was 36 hours old.

You were young and alone and scared.

I just...

I wanted to keep her away from him.

-No-one could blame you for that.

-No?

Lenny's in my head all the time.

Under my skin.

I'm not even related to him.

I'll see what I can dig up.

Even if it's just to get a message to...

-Fraser.

-..Fraser.

A warning.

OK, thanks.

I need to head back to the office.

-Are you going to stay here?

-I've got nowhere else to go.

Your father does not get to destroy another life.

I won't let that happen.

You've got keys to the pop-up, wee man, yeah?

Oh, aye, he's left me in charge.

Any chance I can get in to rehearse my Hogmanay set?

-How long are you playing for?

-Ten minutes.

-I think we agreed 15, wee man.

-Not exactly epic, is it?

How long did The Beatles have on Ed Sullivan?

How long did Freddie Mercury have at Live Aid?

It's not how long it lasts, it's how good you make it.

BOTH: Where've I heard that before?

-HE CHOKES

-What's up with you?

Nothing. Just...an image popped into my head there. Oft.

-Here, get that down you, build your strength up.

-Thanks.

Turned out to be a nice Christmas, eh, ladies?

-Not bad at all.

-Definitely.

Hark, the herald angels sing!

Can we go home now?

I thought you were having a gossip with wee Madonna?

She tells lies.

What did you say?

She said she'd seen a gun today.

Come on.

-Today turned out not bad in the end, eh?

-Can't complain.

Can't you? Makes a change.

Look, I can see Gary worked very hard.

Aye, and I made sure that the conversation and the bevvie kept flowing.

-We're a good team.

-You might be.

Mm... Things are looking up all of a sudden.

-Malt, when you've got a second.

-Two secs.

So...how is your Christmas so far, Mr M?

One of the better ones.

-Definitely.

-Well, that is nice.

Of course, the night is still young.

There could be more fun to be had.

Can I talk to you?

Or perhaps not.

-I'll leave you in peace.

-Suit yourself, doll.

Do you...?

Do you know where she lives?

What, you mean you don't?

That's priceless, so it is.

Please...

It's not nice being left in the dark, is it?

Haven't you got one sliver of humanity left in you?

Me? I'm a doting granda.

Oh...

No jacket?

-You'll catch your death.

-Tell her everything.

Why don't you just toddle off back to the jail where you belong, eh?

-Oh, you mean where I looked after your daughter better than you ever have?

-That's right.

And all you asked for in return was to drool all over her.

-You make it sound disgusting.

-To me, it is.

And don't get me wrong here, I'm no homophobe.

Live and let live, that's what I say.

It's just the thought of...you with her.

I mean, you.

She was scared in there. She couldn't get away from you.

-It wasn't like that.

-Yeah?

So why did the two of you not just toddle off into the sunset,

-first chance you got?

-Because you have turned her against me.

No, darling.

You turn her stomach.

You have done since the first time you pitched up.

Argh!

Right, enough!

Get off him!

You better do what the man says if you know what's good for you.

Get off me!

See what happens when you push people too far?

Everyone's got a breaking point, Lenny.

Looks nasty, that.

You should try and find a doctor to check it out for you.

Yeah? You could recommend a respectable one for me?

DOOR OPENS

DOOR CLOSES

You're a scumbag, Lenny Murdoch!

Well, that wee visit to mass filled you with the Christmas spirit(!)

-What do you think you were doing having a gun around my daughter?

-She was never in any danger.

Aye, she was! You must've thought you needed the bloody thing.

-You've said your piece, you can go now.

-I'm not finished yet.

I don't want you anywhere near her from now on.

-Yeah? I made Jimmy a promise.

-You've broke promises before.

A man's got every right to keep in touch with his family.

You sound like one of those guys that dresses up as Batman and climbs on top of a statue.

Jimmy doesn't want Madonna doing the jail visits, OK?

That leaves me. I'm his connection.

Oh, you're a terrible influence on anybody, never mind a wee wean.

Aye, and what are you, Mother Teresa?

I love my weans more than anything!

You've already cost me Kelly-Marie and wee Cal and...

Oh, that's right, aye.

Wee baby Brodie should be making an appearance about now, eh?

God knows when I'm ever going to see that wean, thanks to you.

I feel your pain.

Oh...

Ah...

Mm...!

That's better.

-There we are.

-Oh, thank you.

I think we've earned our tipple today.

Oh, most certainly.

Merry Christmas!

It was a very...unusual way to spend Christmas, I thought.

It was.

And...

very rewarding.

Well, I wonder if we've missed any excitement?

-I can't stand it! Every time I turn a corner you're there.

-What?

Am I meant to apologise for muscling into your wee drug empire?

Aye, you are. You always make it hard for me and Patrick and Madonna.

-Patrick?

-Aye. You more or less put him in hospital.

You!

You dumped him when he was a wean, in beside some sicko.

-Shut it!

-Oh, aye. Jimmy told me the whole sorry tale.

-Bring a tear to a glass eye.

-I said, shut...

-I heard you!

I'm just expecting a call, that's all.

If it was the other thing, you wouldn't have seen it coming.

You can go now.

Turn around Lenny.

Put that down before you hurt yourself.

See how easy that was?

That could've been wee Madonna, that.

Happens all the time in America, a wean finds a gun, picks it up and...

Aye, right, you've made your point.

-What's the matter? Am I making you nervous?

-Me?

-I'd say you're the one shaking like a leaf, doll.

-You're...

Oh!

Wait, I didn't mean it! I didn't mean it, Lenny! It went off!

You listen to me. And you listen to me good.

That is your one and only chance at me. You hear me?

If we ever find ourselves in a room with a gun again, me and you,

you won't be walking out.

-Do you get me?

-Aye!

There you go. Merry Christmas.

You OK, Annie?

Lorna was worried about you.

-That's my sis for you.

-Can I get you a drink, Annie?

Erm, no. No thanks. I'm not staying much longer.

-Evening, AJ.

-Greig. I heard you were back.

Good news travels fast, eh?

How we all doing, folks? Enjoying the festivities so far?

Let me tell you, Hogmanay is going to make Christmas look like a dreich Tuesday in November.

Hogmanay is going to be a B to the L to the A to the S to the T.

-What does that spell, Doc?

-What?

Blast. As in kaboom.

OK.

-Tough crowd.

-Maybe we let people enjoy their drinks.

In a second, in a second, captive audience, got to get bums on seats.

Right, folks, that's turkey time over for another year.

We all know how much we love Christmas.

But Hogmanay is where the action is.

So get yourselves along to the Pop-Up

and all your rock and roll dreams will come true.

Erm, a less fussy landlord might not like you promoting a rival venue.

-Just as well you're so laid back, then, eh?

-Don't push it.

We'll have a couple of pints to make sure there's no hard feelings.

-And one for yourself, naturally.

-Naturally.

Everything OK?

Yeah.

Nothing for you to worry about.

Wish I could believe that.

You can. And you should be glad of that.

AJ... AJ, have a word with Robbie.

Get him to put some proper music on. I think I queered my pitch.

-Two seconds.

-No, time's wasting.

We've got to get this joint a-jumping.

For God's sake, man, can you give it a rest?

All day, you've been bouncing about like a toddler full of E numbers.

I just wanted to make it special.

Look, you did, mate, you did. I'm... I'm just tired.

Listen, leave the tunes to me.

Can I walk you home?

What, back to my sister's flat,

where I'll be even more of a nuisance now her husband's back?

I'm sorry.

We never stood a chance, did we?

What if we left?

Now. Together. Seriously, what happened with Belinda...

And how far would we get?

There is no escaping Lenny.

We know too much.

You must see that.

Yeah.

But would you...if you could, with me?

There's a big difference, Alex...

between running away together...

..and running away.

TEXT MESSAGE ALERT

DOCTOR WHO THEME MUSIC ON TV

Whit you daein'?

Here, get Gran.

Next, on Naomi's Nightmares Of Nature...

Sleepyus Grannyus.

Madonna, going to quit that?

Oh! Did I miss the end of Doctor Who?

And the start and the middle.

I was resting my eyes.

Here, Gran, I'll walk you home.

-I'll do it.

-You sure, Ma?

I said I would, didn't I?

-Look, you're looking settled, anyway.

-Aye, I was.

Call me back when you get this.

And listen.

Once you've stopped outside the house, you don't go in, OK?

You don't do anything until we've talked.

GUNSHOT

DOOR CLOSES

Same again, please.

Don't you think you might've had enough, Amber?

I'll just take one for the ditch.

That's what your old man calls it.

# In the bleak mid-winter

# Frosty wind made moan

# Earth stood hard as iron

# Water like a stone

# Snow had fallen, snow on snow

# Snow on snow

# In the bleak mid-winter

# Long ago. #

Haven't you heard? Lenny's been shot.

-Is he dead?

-Are we suspects?

-Your father has a lot of enemies.

-And you're one of them.

-Keep your head down.

-Stay away from the police, you mean.

If DI Donald could hear us now.

He'd probably pin a medal on you.

Or you.

Sergeant, over here.

We have DNA, we have prints, we have the gunshot residue.

You should probably talk to the person who physically assaulted him an hour before he was shot.

-You saw something?

-I saw someone.