24/01/1975 The Good Old Days

# I love you dearly, dearly

# And I want you to love me

# You are my honey, honeysuckle

# I am the bee. #

FANFARE

CHEERING

CHEERING

Once again!

Good evening, ladies and...

-ALL:

-Gentlemen!

Celebrants...

-ALL:

-Ooh...

..of the stimulant celeritousness...

LAUGHTER

...speed of the horseless carriage,

we give you the omni-participant,

unparalleled

Players' Theatre!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Shout hurrah with a motorcar

# All on the road to Brighton

# We stop for none In our race we run

# Our speed we nearly heighten

# Stopping and starting and rounding and parking

# The horses we all frighten

# We jolt and jar in a motorcar

# All on the road to Brighton

# Get out of the way! Get out of the way!

# Hi, hi, hi!

# There's a lovely girl named Florrie

# But for short we call her Flo

# And she really feels quite sorry

# The boys all love her so

# She's a neat little, sweet little icicle

# Her heart must be made of snow

# She once used to ride on a bicycle

# But now she prefers to go

# On a motorcar

# Oh, Flo, why do you go

# Riding along on your motorcar

# People'll say you're peculiar

# Singular

# So you are

# Oh, Flo, do let me go

# I'll be your guiding star

# There's room for two

# Me and you

# On your elegant motorcar

# There's room for two

# Me and you

# On your elegant motor!

# Johnny O'Connor bought an automobile

# He took his sweetheart for a ride one Sunday

# Johnny was dressed up in his best Sunday clothes

# She nestled close to his side

# Things went just dandy till they got down the road

# Then something happened to the old machinery

# That engine got his goat

# Off went his hat and coat

# Everything needed repair

# He'd have to get under

# Get out and get under

# To fix his little machine

# He was just dying to cuddle his queen

# But every minute

# When he'd begin it

# He'd have to get under

# Get out and get under

# Then he'd get back at the wheel

# A dozen times they'd start to hug and kiss

# And then the darned old engine it would miss

# And then he'd have to get under

# Get out and get under

# And fix up his automobile

# He'd have to get under

# Get out and get under

# To fix up his automobile. #

Of course you're quite right, sir - I heard you say it -

the really dangerous job is for that man who has to go in front

with the red flag, isn't it?

Now, from France...

..we give you

pulchritudinously, cyclonic...

..Mademoiselle Marie-Ange!

BAND PLAYS

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Vive l'entente cordiale!

CHEERING

And our own debonair King Edward VII,

may he lose a little weight.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

over La Manche to mercurial maritime mountebankery!

-ALL:

-Ooh!

Seaside hijinks.

On the esplanade...

Mr John Inman

and Mr Barry Howard!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Jeremiah Jones

# A ladies' man was he

# With every pretty girl he loved to spoon

# Till he found a wife

# And down beside the sea

# They went to Margate for their honeymoon

# And as they strolled along the promenade

# With his little wife just newly wed

# He got an awful scare

# When someone walking there

# Came up to him and winked and said

# Hello, hello

# Who's your lady friend

# Who's the little girlie by your side

# I've seen you with a girl or two

# Oh, oh, oh, I am surprised at you

# Hello, hello

# What's your little game

# Don't you think your ways you ought to mend

# It wasn't the girl I saw you with at Brighton

# So who, who, who's your lady friend?

# Jeremiah now has settled down in life

# Said goodbye to frills and furbelows

# Never thinks of girls except his darling wife

# Always takes her everywhere he goes, by Jove

# Now there he is the naughty boy

# With a lady too you're rather free

# I'll bet you'll stake your life

# That lady is your wife

# So tell us on the strict Q...

# Tee-hee-he-he-he-heee... #

Hello! Hello! Hello!

# Who's your lady friend

# Who's the little girlie by your side

# I've seen you

# With a girl or two

# Oh, oh, oh, I am surprised at you

# Hello, hello

# What's your little game

# Don't you think your ways you ought to mend

# It wasn't the girl I saw you with at Brighton

# Who, who, who's your lady friend

# Who, who, who's your lady friend? #

Welcome back!

Thrice welcome...

to the sultry, sulphurescent...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..phosphorescence of your own, my own...

everybody's own...

Miss Georgia Brown!

# There's a little city flower

# Every year unfailing

# Growing through the crevices

# By some London railing

# Though it has a Latin name

# In town and countryside

# We in England call it

# London's Pride

# London Pride has been handed down to us

# London Pride is a flower that's free

# London Pride is our own dear town to us

# And our pride it forever will be

# Whoa, Liza

# See the coster barrows

# Vegetable marrows

# With the fruit piled high

# Whoa, Liza - look!

# Little Cockney sparrows

# Covent Garden Market

# Where the costers cry

# Cockney feet

# Mark the beat of history

# Every street

# Pins a memory down

# Nothing ever will quite replace

# The grace of London Town

# London Pride has been handed down to us

# London Pride is a flower that's free

# London Pride is our own dear town to us

# And our pride it forever will be

# Grey city

# Stubbornly enchanted

# Taken so for granted

# For a thousand years

# Stay city

# Smokily enchanted

# Cradle of our memories

# Of our hopes

# Our fears

# Every Blitz our resistance toughening

# From the Ritz to the Anchor And Crown

# Nothing ever can quite replace

# The grace of

# London town. #

More! More! More!

I promise you, you will have Miss Georgia back,

once again, later on in the programme,

but, next time, without that tiny marabou tippet.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

born in Leeds...

CHEERING

..now a lustrous London luminary...

AUDIENCE BOOS

..inimitable,

incomparable,

audaciously...

..irrepressible,

Mr Barry Cryer!

# La-la-la, la-la-la

# La, la, la-la-la, la

# Two young fellas were talking about their

# Girls, girls, girls

# Sweethearts for whom they pined

# Sweethearts they'd left behind

# One said my little shy little lass

# Has a waist so trim and small

# Grey are her eyes so bright

# But best, best of all

# My girl's a Yorkshire girl

# Yorkshire through and through

# My girl's a Yorkshire girl

# Ee! By gum, she's a champion

# Though she's a factory lass

# And wears no fancy clothes

# I've a sort of a Yorkshire relish

# For my little Yorkshire Rose. #

I never knew I could sing like that.

I never knew anybody could sing like that!

How are you?

-ALL:

-How are you?

-Are you enjoying yourselves?

-Yes!

Why? What are you doing?

Had a marvellous day, marvellous day here.

Mr Colehan, the producer...

Mr Colehan, the producer...

took me on one side - he had a word with me.

Well, actually he had two words with me...

but I'm still here.

Let's, let's get back to the plot.

Let's go back to Rose.

I met her on a 42 bus, you know?

I used to see her on the bus, regularly, every morning.

Every weekday, she was an early morning workman's,

and she was a shilling all day Sunday, and I...

Very reasonable! Very reasonable!

So I plucked up courage, one morning -

we were on the bus together, you know?

I plucked up courage to speak to her and she had a word with me...

She actually had two words with me...

"Still here" - that's right, love!

God bless you, love. Move about a bit.

Anyway, I plucked up courage. I said, "Do you like dancing?"

And she said, "Yes,

"do you want to get off, or shall we do it here?"

Funny woman. Funny woman.

So we had a, you know, a quick Veleta...

Nothing ambitious - just as far as the stairs and back, you know?

Then I kissed her under the "no spitting" sign.

It was wonderful. Wonderful.

Golden moment. Golden moment.

Then we started going out together. It was very romantic, you know?

Little restaurant, locally - candlelight, a bottle of wine...

She went Tuesdays, I went Fridays.

But I determined I was going to get me feet under the table.

You know what I mean?

Go home and meet the parents - that's the thing, isn't it?

So she took me home to meet her mum and dad, you see?

And I walked in - a lovely couple...

Mother was in the corner, plucking the cat.

Seeing this family scene, you know, it really did something to me.

So I said, "Where is it?" And her father...

I don't know why I'm shouting - I've got the job. But her father...

Her father said "the bottom of the garden", you see?

So I popped down to the bottom of the garden. I came back...

He said, "Have you pulled t'string?" I said, "Yes."

He said, "Bloody hell - he's let all me pigeons out!"

Anyway...

Good evening. Anyway, I thought...

You're a neglected minority, up there, aren't you?

Anyway, I thought I'd better get to terms with him, so I suggested a drink.

He said yes - he usually got up about opening time.

And so we're in the snug, you see?

We're in the snug and he said, "Are your intentions honourable or not?"

And I said I didn't know I had the choice!

I thought I'd get to the point quickly.

I said, "I want your daughter for my wife."

And he said, "What the hell's your wife going to do with my daughter?"

Anyway, at that moment...

You'll not believe this, cos it's not true...

At that moment...

The door opened...

Picture the scene.

The door opened - in walked a pig.

In walked a pig, into this pub. Straight up to the bar,

put his little trotters on the bar,

and Big Ethel - you know Big Ethel? The barmaid, there.

She was drying her nails, and...

..this little pig ordered a pint of bitter, you see?

And he ordered and drank 12 pints of bitter in 10 minutes.

Now Ethel, being a compassionate soul, as we all know...

said, "You're only a little pig - you shouldn't drink that much."

And he said, "No, it's all right - I'm the little pig that goes

"wee, wee, wee..."

Wasn't true. I made that bit up, actually.

It was a donkey.

And it all started from there. We've been together ever since.

Seven very happy years.

7 out of 28 isn't bad.

She said, "Do you regret it?"

I said, "Not a minute. Not a minute of all those years."

And she said, "Why?"

I said, "Why?

"Because..."

# My girl's a Yorkshire girl

# Yorkshire through and through

# My girl's a Yorkshire girl

# Ee! By gum, she's a champion

# Though she's a factory lass

# And wears no fancy clothes

# I've a sort of a Yorkshire relish

# For my little Yorkshire Rose. #

From Buda...

..or "Butha" and "Pest"...

..coruscatingly iridescent...

..in Csardas...

illimitably,

lilting in Lehar.

Will you give your warmest welcome

to the newcomer, to the stranger in our midst...

..Miss Katinka Seiner!

SHE SINGS IN OWN LANGUAGE

SONG: Set The Gypsy Music Playing from Countess Maritza

INDISTINCT

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

hotfoot in Herculean haste...

..from Augustus Daly's latest pantomime

munificent in...

Boo!

No goose here.

Munificent in muscular

masculinity,

and vertiginous versatility

and virility,

Mr John Inman

and Mr Barry Howard!

# They tried to tell us pantomime had ended

# They said come put away that old glass shoe

# They said our charms were waning

# But we've got to go on reigning

# What's a couple of regal boys to do

# We can't go back to being just plain misses

# When we've been called

# Your Majesty

# And sire

# Life would lose its flavour... #

Outside, you!

# Without our grace and favour

# And mincing as we do around the shire. #

Two, three, four.

Hup!

# We used to love the royal entertaining

# Our waltz and our gavotte were all the gear

# It does seem such a shame

# Cos they met with much acclaim

# And our dances got bigger every year

# We can't go back to being in the chorus

# When we've woken Sleeping Beauty with a kiss

# I've been a Whittington named Dick

# I've even trimmed Aladdin's wick

# And you should see us up a beanstalk dressed like this

# I used to love the blackouts with Man Friday. #

Oh, she did! She did!

# When the lights went up I went a shade of puce. #

Tell 'em, girl.

# I shall miss my name in lights

# And I'll miss my legs in tights. #

Ooh, that does hurt!

# But most we'll miss the goose from Mother Goose

# What shall we do when we're thrown on the scrapheap

# It seems our lives have been but just a farce. #

Who said that?

W...

# Why we've recently been seen

# By Her Majesty the Queen

# Oh, please! Oh, please! Don't put us out to grass

# We're not for grazing

# Oh, must there be an end to pantomime

# Without our trousers

# Oh, must there be an end

# To pantomime? #

# Put me amongst the girls

# Put me amongst the girls

# Do me a favour, do

# You know I'd do the same for you

# Put me amongst the girls

# Those with the curly curls

# They'll enjoy themselves and so shall I

# If you put me amongst the girls. #

Now, perhaps you can guess what I meant by "versatility".

From Denmark...

..tornadic in tripartite,

revolutionary...

..intrepidity.

Three people on skates.

Ladies and gentlemen,

the Hurricanes!

BAND PLAYS

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

HE SPEAKS OWN LANGUAGE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

Jack there is going to risk

mutilation

for your titillation.

He's going to put that on his feet.

Ursula and John are going to go into their high-speed skating,

and Ursula, with that very sharp knife,

is going to cut that from between his feet

very carefully.

The Hurricanes!

APPLAUSE

DRUMROLL

APPLAUSE

Now, ladies and gentlemen, as promised,

once again,

this time in a Cockaigne...

..cantata,

The Players' Theatre

and your own,

your very, very own

Georgia Brown!

# Wotcha all the neighbours cried

# Who you going to meet, Bill?

# Have you bought the street, Bill?

# Laugh? I thought I should 'ave died

# Knocked 'em in the Old Kent Road

# Last night Down our alley comes a toff

# Nice old geezer with a nasty cough

# Sees me and he takes his topper off

# In a very gentlemanly way

# Man says Here I've got some news to tell

# Your old Uncle Tom from Camberwell

# Popped off recent which is sad to tell

# Leaving you his little donkey Shay. Oh!

# Wotcha all the neighbours cried

# Who you going to meet, Bill?

# Have you bought the street, Bill?

# Laugh? I thought I should 'ave died

# Knocked 'em in the Old Kent Road

# I'm a

# Chickerleary cove

# With me one two three

# Whitechapel is the village I was born in

# And

# To catch me on the 'op

# And my little game to stop

# You'll 'ave to get up very early in the mornin'

# I'm a

# Chickerleary bloke with me one two three

# Whitechapel is the village I was born in

# And to catch me on the 'op

# And my little game to stop

# You'll 'ave to get up very early in the mornin'

# You'll 'ave to get up

# Very early in the mornin'

# Underneath the gaslights' glitter

# Sits a little fragile girl

# Heedless of the night winds bitter

# That around about her whirl

# Though the hundreds pass unheeding

# In the evening's waning hours

# Still she cries

# With tearful pleading

# Won't you buy

# My pretty flowers?

# There are thousands

# Tired and weary

# In this precious land of ours

# Crying every night

# So dreary

# Won't you buy

# My pretty flowers?

# Won't you buy

# My pretty flowers? #

-I know you'll buy them, Leonard.

-Yes.

You're such a kind and good gentleman, aren't you, sir?

God bless you, guv'nor.

# I...

# Never was a one to go and stint meself

# If I likes a thing, I likes it - that's enough. #

And I likes you, mister. 'Ave me flowers.

# Now there's lots of people say that if you likes a thing a lot

# It'll grow on you and all that sort of stuff

# Now I likes me drop of beer as well as anyone

# But a drop of beer's supposed to make you fat

# And there's many a la-di-da-di woman

# Doesn't dare to touch it

# Cos she mustn't spoil her figure

# Silly cat

# I...

# Always 'old with 'aving it if you fancy it

# If you fancy it

# That's understood

# Now suppose it makes you fat

# I...

# Don't worry over that

# Cos a little of what you fancy does you good. #

All together!

# I always 'old with 'aving it if you fancy it. #

Oh! # If you fancy it... #

Oh! # That's understood

# Now suppose it makes you fat

# I don't worry over that

# Cos a little of what you fancy does you good. #

I've got a lovely story to tell you.

It's very sad.

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw...

I thought you'd feel like that.

# Mr William Henry Blue

# Came hurryin' home in such a stew

# When everyone was sleeping in the square

# What with the wintry winds that blew

# And the wine he'd drunk

# And his nose - ooh...

# I left 'im on the knocker hangin' there

# Now he shouted

# Anna

# I want to come up to bed

# So I puts me 'ead through the bedroom window

# With me nightcap on and says

# It's...

# No good your calling Anna

# I'm not comin' home tonight

# You can smoke, smoke, smoke on your Havana

# You can puff till the broad daylight

# I can tell you've been drinkin' by your manner

# It's no good your putting on airs

# If I open the door I feel quite sure

# You'll never get up those

# Never get up those

# Never get up those... #

All together!

# No good your calling Anna

# I'm not comin' home tonight

# You can smoke, smoke, smoke on your Havana

# You can puff till the broad daylight

# Oh I can tell you've been drinkin' by your manner

# It's no good your putting on airs

# If I open the door I feel quite sure

# You'll never get up those

# Never get up those

# Never get up those stairs! #

And now, ladies and gentlemen, there really is just time, just time

for the last chorus of all - Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Miss Georgia Brown, the entire company, Mr Billy Ternent

and the entire...

..indefatigable orchestra...

CHEERING

..but, this time, chiefly...

Ourselves!

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

# Da da da da da

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

# Hear the little German band

# Ba da-da-da, da da da

# Just let me hold your hand dear

# Do, do, come and have a drink or two

# Down at the old Bull and Bush.

# Bush bush! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE