31/01/1975 The Good Old Days


31/01/1975

Leonard Sachs presents the old-time music hall programme, with Terry Scott, Arthur Askey, Sheila Steafel, Patricia Cahill, Duggie Brown, the Dou Violins and Albert Aldred.


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Transcript


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# Daisy, Daisy Give me your answer, do

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# I'm half crazy All for the love of you

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# It won't be a stylish marriage

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# I can't afford a carriage

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# But you'd look sweet upon the seat

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# Of a bicycle made for two. #

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FANFARE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Once again...

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good evening...

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-ALL:

-Good evening!

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..ladies and gentlemen!

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Kaleidoscopically...

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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..a c...

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a carivaria...

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conflates...

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a cornucopic...

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Ooh!

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..terpsichorealism.

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CHEERING

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With the ubiquitously -

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also from the Latin -

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unimpeachable Players' Theatre

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and the unquenchable Miss Sheila Steafel!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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# Come with me, come to the ball

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# Music and merriment call

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# Golden and gay are the lamps above

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# Every tune is a song of love

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# All of you come to the ball

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# There will be welcome for all

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# Chance for a dance and romance

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# At the ball, at the ball!

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# Casey would waltz with a strawberry blonde

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# And the band played on

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# He'd glide cross the floor with the girl he adored

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# And the band played on

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# His brain was so loaded It nearly exploded

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# The poor girl would shake with alarm

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# He'd ne'er leave the girl with the strawberry curls

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# And the band played on

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# I've seen many beauties while wandering around

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# The world, but in Spain there my fancy I found

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# She'd hair black as coal Eyes bright as a star

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# And I felt fairly gone when she twanged her guitar

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# She sang like a nightingale Twanged her guitar

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# Danced the cachucha, smoked a cigar

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# Oh, what a form Oh, what a face

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# And she did the fandango all over the place

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# She sang like a nightingale Twanged her guitar

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# Danced the cachucha, smoked a cigar

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# Oh, what a form Oh, what a face

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# And she did the fandango all over the place

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# In the twi-twi-twi-light

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# Out in the beautiful twilight

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# They all go out for a walk, walk, walk

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# A quiet spoon and a talk, talk, talk

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# That's the time they long for

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# Just before the night

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# And many a grand little wedding is planned

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# In the twi-twi-light

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# And many a grand little wedding is planned

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# In the twi-twi-light

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# You should see me dance the polka

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# You should see me cover the ground

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# You should see his coat-tails flying

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# As I jump my partner round

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# When the band commences playing

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# My feet begin to go

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# For a rollicking, frolicking polka

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# Is the jolliest dance I know

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# You should see me dance the polka

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# You should see me cover the ground

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# You should see my coat-tails flying

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# As I jump my partner round

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# When the band commences playing

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# My feet begin to go

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# For a rollicking, frolicking polka is the jolliest dance I know

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# After the ball is over

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# After the break of morn

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# After the dancers' leaving

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# After the stars are gone

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# Many a heart is aching

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# If you could read them all

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# Many the hopes that have vanished

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# After the ball

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# Many a heart is aching

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# If you could read them all

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# Many the hopes that have vanished

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# After the ball. #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-AUDIENCE:

-More! More!

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I promise you, ladies and gentlemen...

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..you will see Miss Sheila Steafel

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once again later on in the programme,

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perhaps not quite so frustrated.

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But now...from Rotherham...

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CHEERING

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..the irrepressibly risible ribaldries...

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-ALL:

-Oooh!

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..of that Yorkshire relish,

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Mr Dougie Brown!

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Thank you, thank you. Halt. Halt.

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Good evening.

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I'll tell you what I'm going to do,

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because tonight is a very, very suspicious occasion.

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LAUGHTER

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Tonight, actually, I'm very proud to announce,

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is the grand opening of Mr Chairman's wallet.

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CHEERING

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So I thought, no jokes tonight.

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I'm going to dedicate some poetry, right?

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They strolled through the meadow...

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Hey, aren't drunks daft?

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My brother-in-law, he was walking past the fairground

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and this man shouted, "Anybody want to have a go on the rifles? It's three shillings, five shots."

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He said, "Yes, please. I'd like to have a go on the rifles, if I can, please. Thank you very much."

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So he paid his money, got a gun, and he went, bang, bang, bang, bang.

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And he shot all these five things down.

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The fella gave him the first prize, a baby tortoise.

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And he went away and came back an hour later. "I'll have another go, please. Thank you very much."

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And he went, bang, bang, bang, bang.

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And he shot them all down again, and he gave him a beautiful tea set.

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He says, "I don't want that.

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"I want another one of those pies with the hard crust!"

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HE WARBLES

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He walked into this bar.

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He said to the barman, he said, "Excuse, excuse, excuse...

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"Excuse me, barman, please.

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"Do you sell that draught... draught bitter here?"

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The barman said, "We sell everything here, sir. We're very, very proud of that."

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He said, "Well, give me one, two, three, four, five... one, two, three, four, five...

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"one, two, three, four, five...

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"12 pints of that nice draught bitter, please."

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The barman said, "12 pints? Are they just for yourself?"

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He said, "Yes, they're just for meself. Be a good chap. Thank you."

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So he got these 12 pints. He went glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug.

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He drank the lot.

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He said...

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"Barman?"

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The man said, "Me, sir?"

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He said, "Any of the three of you. Come here.

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"What's...? What's...?

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"What about that...?

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"Do you sell mixed as well?"

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The barman said, "We sell everything here."

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He said, "Well, would you give me...?"

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The barman said, "Can't you count any higher than that?

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He said, "Of course I can." "One, two, three..."

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No jokes, no jokes.

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"Would you...?

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"Would you give me 12 pints of mixed, please?"

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And he said, "For yourself?" He says, "Yes, they're just for meself. There's a chap, good."

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And he drank the lot

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and he's just disappearing below the level of the bar.

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He says...

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He said, "Barman, what about shorts?

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"Do you sell shorts as well?"

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He said, "We sell everything, sir."

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He says, "Well, would you sell me a pair? I've just wet these!"

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HE WARBLES

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Hey, what about poor old Fred?

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Aaaah!

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Aaaah? Try that again. What about poor old Fred?

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AAAAH!

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There's a woman gargling at the back there. Look!

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Poor old Fred - everything went wrong for Fred.

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All through his life, nothing ever went right.

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And then one day, he thought he'd cracked it.

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He married this beauty queen.

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Ooh!

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And they were going to Blackpool to have a nice holiday

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and they had a terrible accident and poor Fred got killed.

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Aaaah!

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AAAAAH!

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And he finished up in heaven, you see, and he said to Peter, he said,

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"Peter," he said, "everything's gone wrong for me.

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-"All through my life."

-Aaah!

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And he said, "I finally thought I'd made it, I married this beauty queen.

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-"She was a lovely girl and I've never even seen her body."

-Aaah!

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He said, "Do you think I could possibly go back and just have a look at her body just once?"

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And Peter said, "No, I can't do that." Cos he's from Rotherham as well.

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He said, "No, no." He said, I can't do that. No chance of that, no."

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He said, "Please, just let me look once." He said, "All right.

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"I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll send you back as a bird."

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So he sent him back as a little sparrow.

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And the sparrow found its way to Blackpool...

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It's true, this!

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He found his way back to Blackpool, where his wife was in the hotel,

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and the sparrow got perched, which was poor Fred.

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And he's on the windowsill like that, and his wife's in there,

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and she's just getting over her grief, and she took her dress off.

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And you know how sparrows' eyes go when they're excited?

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Look, I'll show you. Watch.

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You've seen it now. I'll show these. Look.

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And then she just took her underskirt off and that was it.

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And then the cat got him.

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They strolled through the meadow...

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The sky... Sorry.

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The sky...was an azure blue.

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He opened the gate and she slowly passed through.

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She did not thank him, for she did not know how,

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for he was only a farmer's boy, and she was a big brown cow!

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All the way from Ireland, ineluctable, Iberian ecstasy.

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The lique...the liquescent...

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..limpidity

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of a late lark ascending.

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Miss Patricia Cahill.

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# Can't help singing

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# Of the promise that April is bringing

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# I am floating along on the crest of a song

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# There are bells in my heart and they're ringing

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# Can't help crowing

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# Folks don't like if they think I am glowing

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# I don't care what they say

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# Spring affects me this way

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# And I've gotta keep singing all day

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# Hummingbird, mockingbird

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# Listen to me

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# I've got no nest

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# I've got no tree

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# Oh, but I'm happy

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# As heaven is high

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# I've got a song...

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# Bubbling inside

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# Can't help singing

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# Of the promise that April is bringing

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# I am floating along on the crest of a song

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# There are bells in my heart and they're ringing

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# Can't help crowing

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# Folks don't like if they think I am glowing

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# I don't care what they say

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# Spring affects me this way

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# And the lovebirds I rescued sing along

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# And I'm up to my neck in sun and charm

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# With a hey-ho and I'm living

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# And hey-ho

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# And I'm loving

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# I've gotta, I've gotta, I've gotta

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# Keep singing

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# Gotta, I've gotta

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# I've gotta keep singing

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# All-ll-ll da-a-ay. #

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BAND PLAYS

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# 'Tis the last rose of summer

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# Left blooming alone

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# All her lovely companions

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# Are faded and gone

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# No flower of her kindred

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# No rosebud is ni-i-igh

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# To reflect back her blushes

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# Or give sigh for sigh

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# To reflect

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# Back her blushes

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# Or give sigh...

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# For sigh. #

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APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

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BAND PLAYS

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SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

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# What'll I do

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# When you are far away... # AUDIENCE JOINS IN

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# And I am blue?

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# What'll I do?

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# What'll I do

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# When I am wondering who

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# Is kissing you?

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# What'll I do?

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# What'll I do

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# With just a photograph

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# To tell my troubles to?

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# When I'm alone

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# With just a dream of you

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# That won't come true

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# What'll I do?

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# I'll be loving you

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# Always

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# With a love that's true

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# Always

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# When the things you planned

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# Need a helping hand

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# I will understand

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# Always

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# Always

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# Things may not be fair

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# Always

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# That's when I'll be there

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# Always

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# Not for just an hour

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# Not for just a day

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# Not for just a year

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# But always. #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Indubitably...

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Endearing...

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Enduring...

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-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

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Diminutive...

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-Audience:

-Oh!

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Infectious delight!

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Your own, my own, everybody's own,

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dear Arthur Askey!

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CYMBALS CRASH

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BAND PLAYS INTRO

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AUDIENCE LAUGHS

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# I think... #

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HAMMER BANGS

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AUDIENCE LAUGHS

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I think you'd better come down here

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because they can't see you behind that protuberance.

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Innit blooming marvellous?! That's tantamount to a rebuff!

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All right, come and do it yourself.

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Twirl!

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Curtsy.

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# I'm a stranger in paradise... #

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Thank you.

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Penny change.

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# I rode to blow the candle out at half past nine. #

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Off we go! You must join in this.

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JAUNTY MUSIC STARTS

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# In our little village there has been a tragedy

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# Deary, deary me Such a terrible tragedy

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# Mary Ellen Bottomley today should have been wed

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# It's a good job that she didn't now, so everybody said

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# Mary Ellen at the church turned up

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# Her ma turned up and her pa turned up

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# Her sister Gert Her rich Uncle Bert

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# And the parson in his long white shirt turned up

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# But no bridegroom with the ring turned up

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# But a telegraph boy with his nose turned up

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# Brought a telegram that said he didn't want to wed

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# And they'd find him in the river with his toes turned up. #

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All together!

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# Mary Ellen at the church turned up

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# Her ma turned up and her pa turned up

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# Her sister Gert Her rich Uncle Bert

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# And the parson in his long white shirt turned up

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# But no bridegroom with the ring turned up

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# But a telegraph boy with his nose turned up

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# Brought a telegram that said he didn't want to wed

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# And they'd find him in the river with his toes turned up. #

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APPLAUSE

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Thank you.

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Last time. You won't be bothered again!

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How do you like it so far? What a load of rubbish.

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Now, I'm going to sing you another song. I wrote this myself.

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This one has got a monologue. I'm very good at monologues.

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As a matter of fact, I get a lot of little monologues sent to me

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by different people, you know.

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I got one sent today.

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They stroll through the meadow...

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Oh, no, that's the wrong one, isn't it?

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What fun we have, but...

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This one says...

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The prisoner sat in his lonely cell. He committed a deadly sin.

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The warder said, "You've one hour of grace."

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He said, "Marvellous, send her in."

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Are you there, Albert? Come here, Albert.

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Come here, love, give us me Foreign Legion hat.

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Dear old Albert.

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Isn't he lovely? What sort of a woman was Victoria, Albert?

0:26:300:26:33

Isn't she lovely? OK, let's go. Foreign Legion.

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Atmosphere.

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# See the gang of ruffians come marching all ascend

0:26:500:26:53

# Out of line and out of step They haven't got a bend

0:26:530:26:58

# Fighting with the Arabs and our friends from la belle France

0:26:580:27:02

# If you dared to lag behind You get kicked in the ponce

0:27:020:27:05

# Marching off to death or glory

0:27:050:27:09

# Knowing there are long to care

0:27:090:27:13

# Just a real Beau Geste with whiskers on your chest

0:27:130:27:17

# That's the life of the legionnaire... #

0:27:170:27:20

Recitation.

0:27:210:27:24

It's a hell of a life in the Legion

0:27:240:27:26

when you're out in the desert, I mean.

0:27:260:27:29

This story I'll tell you is clever. It's not only clever, it's clean.

0:27:290:27:33

Our captain we hated like poison, he had a moustache like a bed sock,

0:27:340:27:38

and what the men called him led me to believe

0:27:380:27:41

that he had been born out of wedlock.

0:27:410:27:43

He took us a route march and lost us,

0:27:470:27:49

an obsolete map they had sold him.

0:27:490:27:52

He said, "Listen, men, I don't know where to go."

0:27:520:27:54

So everyone of us told him.

0:27:540:27:55

Now here I am back entertaining, singing songs ancient and new.

0:27:580:28:03

Striving and straining to get a good laugh out of boss-eyed

0:28:030:28:06

polluters like you.

0:28:060:28:08

# Marching with the Foreign Legion

0:28:100:28:14

# Marching on to who knows where

0:28:140:28:18

# Just a real Beau Geste with whiskers on your chest

0:28:180:28:21

# That's the life of the Legionnaire. #

0:28:210:28:23

APPLAUSE

0:28:290:28:34

Thank you.

0:28:340:28:36

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to depart now from my usual procedure.

0:28:430:28:49

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

0:28:490:28:52

I have asked if I might bring an artiste in who I think

0:28:520:28:58

has very great potential.

0:28:580:29:00

I am sponsoring her. She's very nervous.

0:29:000:29:03

It's her very first professional appearance ever

0:29:030:29:07

and I do hope you'll take her to your hearts.

0:29:070:29:10

Ladies and gentlemen, from my heart, I introduce,

0:29:100:29:14

for your very warm welcome, for a very new performer,

0:29:140:29:18

Miss Porphyria De Lille Brown.

0:29:180:29:22

# Popsy was a singer in a little revue

0:30:000:30:05

# Sang the sort of ditties that the people all knew

0:30:050:30:10

# Every night they used to turn the limelight strong

0:30:100:30:14

# On someone's face as she sang her song

0:30:140:30:19

# Popsy loved her job but every once in a while

0:30:190:30:23

# She thought it would be such bliss

0:30:230:30:28

# If the limelight would find a man both good and kind

0:30:280:30:32

# And he'd murmur something like this

0:30:320:30:36

# Sing to me, my little Popsy Wopsy

0:30:370:30:41

# Turn the limelight right on me

0:30:410:30:44

# When on that stage you come

0:30:440:30:48

# My little heart beats just like a drum

0:30:480:30:52

# I shall dream about you all night tonight

0:30:520:30:55

# You're the sweetest girl I've seen

0:30:550:30:58

# I would kiss you, my Popsy

0:30:580:31:00

# But there's one thing stops me

0:31:000:31:02

# Those footlights in between... #

0:31:020:31:07

APPLAUSE

0:31:070:31:09

# Popsy fixed her eye upon an old boy one night

0:31:210:31:25

# Sitting in the stalls with not a lady in sight

0:31:250:31:30

# When she sang her loving song He looked entranced

0:31:300:31:34

# She knew it wasn't the way she danced

0:31:340:31:38

# That same evening to the stage door he sent a note

0:31:380:31:42

# Which read, "Oh, Popsy, my pet

0:31:420:31:46

# "Though I'm 71

0:31:460:31:48

# "We could have lots of fun

0:31:480:31:52

# "There's life in the old mongrel yet!"

0:31:520:31:54

# Sing to me, my little Popsy Wopsy

0:31:560:32:00

# Turn the limelight right on me

0:32:000:32:03

# When on that stage you come

0:32:030:32:07

# My little heart beats just like a drum

0:32:070:32:10

# I shall dream about you all night tonight

0:32:100:32:15

# You're the sweetest girl I've seen

0:32:150:32:18

# I would kiss you, my Popsy But there's one thing stops me

0:32:180:32:22

# Those footlights in between... #

0:32:220:32:24

APPLAUSE

0:32:240:32:26

# Popsy still sings ditties on that stage every night

0:32:410:32:45

# Though she may not be a star She's doing all right

0:32:450:32:50

# And when Johnnies think that they are sure to score

0:32:500:32:55

# And wait for her at the backstage door

0:32:550:33:00

# She appears in furs to keep her safe from the cold

0:33:000:33:04

# And if some masher should shout

0:33:040:33:08

# "I've some champagne on ice"

0:33:080:33:11

# She'll say, "Well, ain't that nice?

0:33:110:33:13

# "But Daddy won't let me go out!"

0:33:130:33:17

# Sing to me, my little Popsy Wopsy

0:33:180:33:22

# Turn the limelight right on me

0:33:220:33:25

# When on that stage you come

0:33:250:33:29

# My little heart beats just like a drum

0:33:290:33:33

# I shall dream about you all night tonight

0:33:330:33:36

# You're the sweetest girl I've seen

0:33:360:33:39

# I would kiss you, my Popsy

0:33:390:33:41

# But there's one thing stops me

0:33:410:33:43

# Those footlights in between. #

0:33:430:33:45

APPLAUSE

0:34:170:34:18

That was, of course, Sheila Steafel,

0:34:240:34:30

and may heaven and my wife forgive me.

0:34:300:34:33

And now, ladies and gentlemen, from Hungary, transcendent

0:34:350:34:43

in high altitude-iness, inch-apidity, the Duo Violins.

0:34:430:34:51

APPLAUSE

0:38:250:38:26

-And now, jubilantly... AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

0:38:300:38:36

Ebullience...

0:38:360:38:39

..in-juvenescent jockularity...

0:38:390:38:44

The one and only Terry Scott.

0:38:440:38:47

APPLAUSE

0:38:490:38:51

A-ha.

0:38:510:38:53

Ah! Ah!

0:38:580:38:59

I'll be your surprise. I'll be your surprise.

0:39:010:39:03

Shut up, coughing.

0:39:030:39:05

I bet you were surprised because I come on the stage,

0:39:060:39:09

because, you know, you know, you just can't walk on the stage.

0:39:090:39:12

You can't, because...because before you come on the stage,

0:39:120:39:15

you have to do something. Yeah. And I just done something.

0:39:150:39:18

No, I seen something. Well, you don't know my mother.

0:39:190:39:22

My mum has had another baby. Yeah. She has. Another one.

0:39:220:39:27

And my dad, he don't know anything about it,

0:39:270:39:29

because he's away at work. Yeah.

0:39:290:39:32

I hate it when he comes in, because I get the blame for everything

0:39:320:39:35

that happens in our house.

0:39:350:39:37

Yeah, my auntie came to see the baby. She come.

0:39:370:39:40

My Auntie Nora actually come. And she lives... Shut up.

0:39:400:39:46

My Auntie Nora, she lives a long way away.

0:39:460:39:48

And she had to sleep in the same room as me and my brother all night.

0:39:500:39:53

And she got undressed in the same place. Not at the same time.

0:39:530:39:57

Well, she couldn't, because she ain't half fat.

0:39:580:40:01

Do you know, she's got things to hold her up and things to

0:40:010:40:03

hold her down and things to hold her in and out and all over the place.

0:40:030:40:07

My brother says, when she gets undressed,

0:40:070:40:09

she has to go to bed, otherwise she'd fall down.

0:40:090:40:12

And the vicar come. The vicar come! A-ha.

0:40:120:40:16

He came round, nosy old... He come round.

0:40:160:40:19

He come round because he wanted to fix a christening

0:40:190:40:22

and he wanted to know the name, I expect.

0:40:220:40:24

My mum has got a funny name for it, because I think I heard her say,

0:40:240:40:27

"I think I'm going to call it quits." But...

0:40:270:40:29

There was a vicar there and my auntie, so I thought, right,

0:40:320:40:36

I'm going to stand in the middle of the floor

0:40:360:40:38

and do something which will give a very big surprise, because...

0:40:380:40:41

Yes, because it was like a party, you see. So I told them a joke.

0:40:410:40:46

Yeah, and my mum laughed, my auntie left and the vicar cried.

0:40:460:40:50

Because it was about a bull.

0:40:500:40:52

It was a daddy bull, and he was in a field, and he got three baby boy

0:40:520:40:55

bulls in the field, and the daddy said to the first baby boy bull,

0:40:550:40:58

he said, "Here, what are you going to be when you grow up?

0:40:580:41:01

The first one said, "I'm going to be a bull in a china shop."

0:41:010:41:04

He said to the second one, "What are you going to be when you grow up?"

0:41:040:41:06

The second one said, "I'm going to be a bull in the Army."

0:41:060:41:09

He said to the third one, "What are you going to be when you grow up?"

0:41:090:41:12

And the third one said, "I want to stay in the field with you

0:41:120:41:14

"for heifer and heifer."

0:41:140:41:17

And now, ladies and gentlemen. My solo song sung. Thank you.

0:41:170:41:20

# For many years before the war We used to go away

0:41:240:41:27

# And spend a jolly time beside the sea

0:41:270:41:30

# But when the railway fares went up back home, we had to stay

0:41:300:41:34

# Because we haven't got the LSD

0:41:340:41:37

# But Father had a good idea to make the house look gay

0:41:370:41:41

# We've railway posters posted on the wall

0:41:410:41:44

# In every room there's lovely places like Deal and Douglas Bay

0:41:440:41:48

# So now we never want to go at all

0:41:480:41:51

# Oh, the seaside posters around the home

0:41:510:41:55

# We never want to journey by the foam

0:41:550:41:58

# There's Brighton in the bathroom and Papa feels quite a swell

0:41:580:42:02

# Because he cuts his corns outside the Metropole Hotel

0:42:020:42:05

# We've got Yarmouth in the home and there's Yarmouth in the yard

0:42:050:42:09

# And Bournemouth we put somewhere out the back

0:42:090:42:13

# And in the little parlour where the ladies sit and chat

0:42:130:42:16

#We've got Clacton with the accent on the clack

0:42:160:42:20

# Oh, seaside posters round the home

0:42:200:42:23

# We never from our doorstep want to roam

0:42:230:42:27

# There's Worthing in the cellar where we keep the bottled stout

0:42:270:42:30

# And Father goes in there sometimes to see the tide go out

0:42:300:42:34

# We've pictures of the Isle of Wight along the garden path

0:42:340:42:37

# From Tottenham Bay to the golden shore

0:42:370:42:41

# And when the milkman comes and leaves his cans upon the step

0:42:410:42:44

# You can almost fancy Cowes was at the door. #

0:42:440:42:47

APPLAUSE

0:42:490:42:52

And now, ladies and gentlemen, there is really only just time now

0:43:040:43:08

for the last chorus of all, which you all know.

0:43:080:43:10

Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

0:43:100:43:12

We give you, ladies and gentlemen,

0:43:120:43:14

Mr Terry Scott, Mr Arthur Askey and the entire company.

0:43:140:43:18

We give you Mr Bernard Hammond and his entire orchestra of exemplary...

0:43:180:43:26

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

-..auxiliaries.

0:43:260:43:30

But this time, chiefly yourselves.

0:43:340:43:38

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me

0:43:430:43:47

# Down at the old Bull and Bush Da-da-da-da-da

0:43:470:43:51

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

0:43:510:43:55

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

0:43:550:43:57

# Hear the little German band

0:43:590:44:01

# Da-da-da-da-da-da-da

0:44:010:44:02

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

0:44:020:44:06

# Do, do, come and have a drink or two

0:44:060:44:10

# Down at the old Bull and Bush.

0:44:100:44:13

# Bush-Bush. #

0:44:130:44:16

APPLAUSE

0:44:160:44:18

Leonard Sachs presents an edition of the old-time music hall programme from the stage of the City Varieties Theatre, Leeds, first broadcast on 31 January 1975. Guests include Terry Scott, Arthur Askey, Sheila Steafel, Patricia Cahill, Duggie Brown, the Dou Violins and Albert Aldred.


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