31/01/1975 The Good Old Days


31/01/1975

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# Daisy, Daisy Give me your answer, do

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# I'm half crazy All for the love of you

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# It won't be a stylish marriage

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# I can't afford a carriage

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# But you'd look sweet upon the seat

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# Of a bicycle made for two. #

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FANFARE

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Once again...

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good evening...

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-ALL:

-Good evening!

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..ladies and gentlemen!

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Kaleidoscopically...

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-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

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..a c...

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a carivaria...

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conflates...

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a cornucopic...

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Ooh!

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..terpsichorealism.

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CHEERING

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With the ubiquitously -

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also from the Latin -

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unimpeachable Players' Theatre

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and the unquenchable Miss Sheila Steafel!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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# Come with me, come to the ball

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# Music and merriment call

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# Golden and gay are the lamps above

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# Every tune is a song of love

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# All of you come to the ball

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# There will be welcome for all

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# Chance for a dance and romance

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# At the ball, at the ball!

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# Casey would waltz with a strawberry blonde

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# And the band played on

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# He'd glide cross the floor with the girl he adored

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# And the band played on

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# His brain was so loaded It nearly exploded

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# The poor girl would shake with alarm

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# He'd ne'er leave the girl with the strawberry curls

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# And the band played on

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# I've seen many beauties while wandering around

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# The world, but in Spain there my fancy I found

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# She'd hair black as coal Eyes bright as a star

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# And I felt fairly gone when she twanged her guitar

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# She sang like a nightingale Twanged her guitar

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# Danced the cachucha, smoked a cigar

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# Oh, what a form Oh, what a face

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# And she did the fandango all over the place

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# She sang like a nightingale Twanged her guitar

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# Danced the cachucha, smoked a cigar

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# Oh, what a form Oh, what a face

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# And she did the fandango all over the place

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# In the twi-twi-twi-light

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# Out in the beautiful twilight

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# They all go out for a walk, walk, walk

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# A quiet spoon and a talk, talk, talk

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# That's the time they long for

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# Just before the night

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# And many a grand little wedding is planned

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# In the twi-twi-light

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# And many a grand little wedding is planned

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# In the twi-twi-light

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# You should see me dance the polka

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# You should see me cover the ground

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# You should see his coat-tails flying

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# As I jump my partner round

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# When the band commences playing

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# My feet begin to go

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# For a rollicking, frolicking polka

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# Is the jolliest dance I know

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# You should see me dance the polka

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# You should see me cover the ground

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# You should see my coat-tails flying

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# As I jump my partner round

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# When the band commences playing

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# My feet begin to go

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# For a rollicking, frolicking polka is the jolliest dance I know

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# After the ball is over

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# After the break of morn

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# After the dancers' leaving

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# After the stars are gone

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# Many a heart is aching

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# If you could read them all

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# Many the hopes that have vanished

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# After the ball

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# Many a heart is aching

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# If you could read them all

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# Many the hopes that have vanished

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# After the ball. #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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-AUDIENCE:

-More! More!

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I promise you, ladies and gentlemen...

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..you will see Miss Sheila Steafel

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once again later on in the programme,

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perhaps not quite so frustrated.

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But now...from Rotherham...

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CHEERING

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..the irrepressibly risible ribaldries...

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-ALL:

-Oooh!

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..of that Yorkshire relish,

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Mr Dougie Brown!

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Thank you, thank you. Halt. Halt.

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Good evening.

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I'll tell you what I'm going to do,

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because tonight is a very, very suspicious occasion.

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LAUGHTER

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Tonight, actually, I'm very proud to announce,

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is the grand opening of Mr Chairman's wallet.

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CHEERING

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So I thought, no jokes tonight.

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I'm going to dedicate some poetry, right?

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They strolled through the meadow...

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Hey, aren't drunks daft?

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My brother-in-law, he was walking past the fairground

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and this man shouted, "Anybody want to have a go on the rifles? It's three shillings, five shots."

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He said, "Yes, please. I'd like to have a go on the rifles, if I can, please. Thank you very much."

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So he paid his money, got a gun, and he went, bang, bang, bang, bang.

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And he shot all these five things down.

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The fella gave him the first prize, a baby tortoise.

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And he went away and came back an hour later. "I'll have another go, please. Thank you very much."

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And he went, bang, bang, bang, bang.

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And he shot them all down again, and he gave him a beautiful tea set.

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He says, "I don't want that.

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"I want another one of those pies with the hard crust!"

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HE WARBLES

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He walked into this bar.

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He said to the barman, he said, "Excuse, excuse, excuse...

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"Excuse me, barman, please.

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"Do you sell that draught... draught bitter here?"

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The barman said, "We sell everything here, sir. We're very, very proud of that."

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He said, "Well, give me one, two, three, four, five... one, two, three, four, five...

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"one, two, three, four, five...

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"12 pints of that nice draught bitter, please."

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The barman said, "12 pints? Are they just for yourself?"

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He said, "Yes, they're just for meself. Be a good chap. Thank you."

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So he got these 12 pints. He went glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug.

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He drank the lot.

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He said...

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"Barman?"

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The man said, "Me, sir?"

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He said, "Any of the three of you. Come here.

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"What's...? What's...?

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"What about that...?

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"Do you sell mixed as well?"

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The barman said, "We sell everything here."

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He said, "Well, would you give me...?"

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The barman said, "Can't you count any higher than that?

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He said, "Of course I can." "One, two, three..."

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No jokes, no jokes.

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"Would you...?

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"Would you give me 12 pints of mixed, please?"

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And he said, "For yourself?" He says, "Yes, they're just for meself. There's a chap, good."

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And he drank the lot

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and he's just disappearing below the level of the bar.

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He says...

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He said, "Barman, what about shorts?

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"Do you sell shorts as well?"

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He said, "We sell everything, sir."

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He says, "Well, would you sell me a pair? I've just wet these!"

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HE WARBLES

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Hey, what about poor old Fred?

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Aaaah!

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Aaaah? Try that again. What about poor old Fred?

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AAAAH!

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There's a woman gargling at the back there. Look!

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Poor old Fred - everything went wrong for Fred.

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All through his life, nothing ever went right.

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And then one day, he thought he'd cracked it.

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He married this beauty queen.

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Ooh!

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And they were going to Blackpool to have a nice holiday

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and they had a terrible accident and poor Fred got killed.

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Aaaah!

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AAAAAH!

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And he finished up in heaven, you see, and he said to Peter, he said,

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"Peter," he said, "everything's gone wrong for me.

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-"All through my life."

-Aaah!

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And he said, "I finally thought I'd made it, I married this beauty queen.

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-"She was a lovely girl and I've never even seen her body."

-Aaah!

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He said, "Do you think I could possibly go back and just have a look at her body just once?"

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And Peter said, "No, I can't do that." Cos he's from Rotherham as well.

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He said, "No, no." He said, I can't do that. No chance of that, no."

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He said, "Please, just let me look once." He said, "All right.

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"I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll send you back as a bird."

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So he sent him back as a little sparrow.

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And the sparrow found its way to Blackpool...

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It's true, this!

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He found his way back to Blackpool, where his wife was in the hotel,

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and the sparrow got perched, which was poor Fred.

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And he's on the windowsill like that, and his wife's in there,

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and she's just getting over her grief, and she took her dress off.

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And you know how sparrows' eyes go when they're excited?

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Look, I'll show you. Watch.

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You've seen it now. I'll show these. Look.

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And then she just took her underskirt off and that was it.

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And then the cat got him.

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They strolled through the meadow...

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The sky... Sorry.

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The sky...was an azure blue.

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He opened the gate and she slowly passed through.

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She did not thank him, for she did not know how,

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for he was only a farmer's boy, and she was a big brown cow!

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All the way from Ireland, ineluctable, Iberian ecstasy.

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The lique...the liquescent...

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..limpidity

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of a late lark ascending.

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Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Miss Patricia Cahill.

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# Can't help singing

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# Of the promise that April is bringing

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# I am floating along on the crest of a song

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# There are bells in my heart and they're ringing

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# Can't help crowing

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# Folks don't like if they think I am glowing

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# I don't care what they say

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# Spring affects me this way

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# And I've gotta keep singing all day

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# Hummingbird, mockingbird

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# Listen to me

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# I've got no nest

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# I've got no tree

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# Oh, but I'm happy

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# As heaven is high

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# I've got a song...

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# Bubbling inside

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# Can't help singing

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# Of the promise that April is bringing

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# I am floating along on the crest of a song

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# There are bells in my heart and they're ringing

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# Can't help crowing

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# Folks don't like if they think I am glowing

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# I don't care what they say

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# Spring affects me this way

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# And the lovebirds I rescued sing along

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# And I'm up to my neck in sun and charm

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# With a hey-ho and I'm living

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# And hey-ho

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# And I'm loving

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# I've gotta, I've gotta, I've gotta

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# Keep singing

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# Gotta, I've gotta

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# I've gotta keep singing

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# All-ll-ll da-a-ay. #

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BAND PLAYS

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# 'Tis the last rose of summer

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# Left blooming alone

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# All her lovely companions

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# Are faded and gone

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# No flower of her kindred

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# No rosebud is ni-i-igh

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# To reflect back her blushes

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# Or give sigh for sigh

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# To reflect

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# Back her blushes

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# Or give sigh...

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# For sigh. #

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APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

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BAND PLAYS

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SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

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# What'll I do

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# When you are far away... # AUDIENCE JOINS IN

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# And I am blue?

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# What'll I do?

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# What'll I do

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# When I am wondering who

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# Is kissing you?

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# What'll I do?

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# What'll I do

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# With just a photograph

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# To tell my troubles to?

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# When I'm alone

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# With just a dream of you

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# That won't come true

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# What'll I do?

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# I'll be loving you

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# Always

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# With a love that's true

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# Always

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# When the things you planned

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# Need a helping hand

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# I will understand

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# Always

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# Always

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# Things may not be fair

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# Always

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# That's when I'll be there

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# Always

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# Not for just an hour

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# Not for just a day

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# Not for just a year

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# But always. #

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Indubitably...

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Endearing...

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Enduring...

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-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

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Diminutive...

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-Audience:

-Oh!

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Infectious delight!

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Your own, my own, everybody's own,

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dear Arthur Askey!

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CYMBALS CRASH

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BAND PLAYS INTRO

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AUDIENCE LAUGHS

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# I think... #

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HAMMER BANGS

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AUDIENCE LAUGHS

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I think you'd better come down here

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because they can't see you behind that protuberance.

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Innit blooming marvellous?! That's tantamount to a rebuff!

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All right, come and do it yourself.

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Twirl!

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Curtsy.

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# I'm a stranger in paradise... #

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Thank you.

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Penny change.

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# I rode to blow the candle out at half past nine. #

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Off we go! You must join in this.

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JAUNTY MUSIC STARTS

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# In our little village there has been a tragedy

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# Deary, deary me Such a terrible tragedy

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# Mary Ellen Bottomley today should have been wed

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# It's a good job that she didn't now, so everybody said

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# Mary Ellen at the church turned up

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# Her ma turned up and her pa turned up

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# Her sister Gert Her rich Uncle Bert

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# And the parson in his long white shirt turned up

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# But no bridegroom with the ring turned up

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# But a telegraph boy with his nose turned up

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# Brought a telegram that said he didn't want to wed

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# And they'd find him in the river with his toes turned up. #

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All together!

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# Mary Ellen at the church turned up

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# Her ma turned up and her pa turned up

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# Her sister Gert Her rich Uncle Bert

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# And the parson in his long white shirt turned up

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# But no bridegroom with the ring turned up

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# But a telegraph boy with his nose turned up

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# Brought a telegram that said he didn't want to wed

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# And they'd find him in the river with his toes turned up. #

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APPLAUSE

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Thank you.

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Last time. You won't be bothered again!

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How do you like it so far? What a load of rubbish.

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Now, I'm going to sing you another song. I wrote this myself.

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This one has got a monologue. I'm very good at monologues.

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As a matter of fact, I get a lot of little monologues sent to me

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by different people, you know.

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I got one sent today.

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They stroll through the meadow...

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Oh, no, that's the wrong one, isn't it?

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What fun we have, but...

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This one says...

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The prisoner sat in his lonely cell. He committed a deadly sin.

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The warder said, "You've one hour of grace."

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He said, "Marvellous, send her in."

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Are you there, Albert? Come here, Albert.

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Come here, love, give us me Foreign Legion hat.

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Dear old Albert.

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Isn't he lovely? What sort of a woman was Victoria, Albert?

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Isn't she lovely? OK, let's go. Foreign Legion.

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Atmosphere.

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# See the gang of ruffians come marching all ascend

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# Out of line and out of step They haven't got a bend

0:26:530:26:58

# Fighting with the Arabs and our friends from la belle France

0:26:580:27:02

# If you dared to lag behind You get kicked in the ponce

0:27:020:27:05

# Marching off to death or glory

0:27:050:27:09

# Knowing there are long to care

0:27:090:27:13

# Just a real Beau Geste with whiskers on your chest

0:27:130:27:17

# That's the life of the legionnaire... #

0:27:170:27:20

Recitation.

0:27:210:27:24

It's a hell of a life in the Legion

0:27:240:27:26

when you're out in the desert, I mean.

0:27:260:27:29

This story I'll tell you is clever. It's not only clever, it's clean.

0:27:290:27:33

Our captain we hated like poison, he had a moustache like a bed sock,

0:27:340:27:38

and what the men called him led me to believe

0:27:380:27:41

that he had been born out of wedlock.

0:27:410:27:43

He took us a route march and lost us,

0:27:470:27:49

an obsolete map they had sold him.

0:27:490:27:52

He said, "Listen, men, I don't know where to go."

0:27:520:27:54

So everyone of us told him.

0:27:540:27:55

Now here I am back entertaining, singing songs ancient and new.

0:27:580:28:03

Striving and straining to get a good laugh out of boss-eyed

0:28:030:28:06

polluters like you.

0:28:060:28:08

# Marching with the Foreign Legion

0:28:100:28:14

# Marching on to who knows where

0:28:140:28:18

# Just a real Beau Geste with whiskers on your chest

0:28:180:28:21

# That's the life of the Legionnaire. #

0:28:210:28:23

APPLAUSE

0:28:290:28:34

Thank you.

0:28:340:28:36

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to depart now from my usual procedure.

0:28:430:28:49

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

0:28:490:28:52

I have asked if I might bring an artiste in who I think

0:28:520:28:58

has very great potential.

0:28:580:29:00

I am sponsoring her. She's very nervous.

0:29:000:29:03

It's her very first professional appearance ever

0:29:030:29:07

and I do hope you'll take her to your hearts.

0:29:070:29:10

Ladies and gentlemen, from my heart, I introduce,

0:29:100:29:14

for your very warm welcome, for a very new performer,

0:29:140:29:18

Miss Porphyria De Lille Brown.

0:29:180:29:22

# Popsy was a singer in a little revue

0:30:000:30:05

# Sang the sort of ditties that the people all knew

0:30:050:30:10

# Every night they used to turn the limelight strong

0:30:100:30:14

# On someone's face as she sang her song

0:30:140:30:19

# Popsy loved her job but every once in a while

0:30:190:30:23

# She thought it would be such bliss

0:30:230:30:28

# If the limelight would find a man both good and kind

0:30:280:30:32

# And he'd murmur something like this

0:30:320:30:36

# Sing to me, my little Popsy Wopsy

0:30:370:30:41

# Turn the limelight right on me

0:30:410:30:44

# When on that stage you come

0:30:440:30:48

# My little heart beats just like a drum

0:30:480:30:52

# I shall dream about you all night tonight

0:30:520:30:55

# You're the sweetest girl I've seen

0:30:550:30:58

# I would kiss you, my Popsy

0:30:580:31:00

# But there's one thing stops me

0:31:000:31:02

# Those footlights in between... #

0:31:020:31:07

APPLAUSE

0:31:070:31:09

# Popsy fixed her eye upon an old boy one night

0:31:210:31:25

# Sitting in the stalls with not a lady in sight

0:31:250:31:30

# When she sang her loving song He looked entranced

0:31:300:31:34

# She knew it wasn't the way she danced

0:31:340:31:38

# That same evening to the stage door he sent a note

0:31:380:31:42

# Which read, "Oh, Popsy, my pet

0:31:420:31:46

# "Though I'm 71

0:31:460:31:48

# "We could have lots of fun

0:31:480:31:52

# "There's life in the old mongrel yet!"

0:31:520:31:54

# Sing to me, my little Popsy Wopsy

0:31:560:32:00

# Turn the limelight right on me

0:32:000:32:03

# When on that stage you come

0:32:030:32:07

# My little heart beats just like a drum

0:32:070:32:10

# I shall dream about you all night tonight

0:32:100:32:15

# You're the sweetest girl I've seen

0:32:150:32:18

# I would kiss you, my Popsy But there's one thing stops me

0:32:180:32:22

# Those footlights in between... #

0:32:220:32:24

APPLAUSE

0:32:240:32:26

# Popsy still sings ditties on that stage every night

0:32:410:32:45

# Though she may not be a star She's doing all right

0:32:450:32:50

# And when Johnnies think that they are sure to score

0:32:500:32:55

# And wait for her at the backstage door

0:32:550:33:00

# She appears in furs to keep her safe from the cold

0:33:000:33:04

# And if some masher should shout

0:33:040:33:08

# "I've some champagne on ice"

0:33:080:33:11

# She'll say, "Well, ain't that nice?

0:33:110:33:13

# "But Daddy won't let me go out!"

0:33:130:33:17

# Sing to me, my little Popsy Wopsy

0:33:180:33:22

# Turn the limelight right on me

0:33:220:33:25

# When on that stage you come

0:33:250:33:29

# My little heart beats just like a drum

0:33:290:33:33

# I shall dream about you all night tonight

0:33:330:33:36

# You're the sweetest girl I've seen

0:33:360:33:39

# I would kiss you, my Popsy

0:33:390:33:41

# But there's one thing stops me

0:33:410:33:43

# Those footlights in between. #

0:33:430:33:45

APPLAUSE

0:34:170:34:18

That was, of course, Sheila Steafel,

0:34:240:34:30

and may heaven and my wife forgive me.

0:34:300:34:33

And now, ladies and gentlemen, from Hungary, transcendent

0:34:350:34:43

in high altitude-iness, inch-apidity, the Duo Violins.

0:34:430:34:51

APPLAUSE

0:38:250:38:26

-And now, jubilantly... AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

0:38:300:38:36

Ebullience...

0:38:360:38:39

..in-juvenescent jockularity...

0:38:390:38:44

The one and only Terry Scott.

0:38:440:38:47

APPLAUSE

0:38:490:38:51

A-ha.

0:38:510:38:53

Ah! Ah!

0:38:580:38:59

I'll be your surprise. I'll be your surprise.

0:39:010:39:03

Shut up, coughing.

0:39:030:39:05

I bet you were surprised because I come on the stage,

0:39:060:39:09

because, you know, you know, you just can't walk on the stage.

0:39:090:39:12

You can't, because...because before you come on the stage,

0:39:120:39:15

you have to do something. Yeah. And I just done something.

0:39:150:39:18

No, I seen something. Well, you don't know my mother.

0:39:190:39:22

My mum has had another baby. Yeah. She has. Another one.

0:39:220:39:27

And my dad, he don't know anything about it,

0:39:270:39:29

because he's away at work. Yeah.

0:39:290:39:32

I hate it when he comes in, because I get the blame for everything

0:39:320:39:35

that happens in our house.

0:39:350:39:37

Yeah, my auntie came to see the baby. She come.

0:39:370:39:40

My Auntie Nora actually come. And she lives... Shut up.

0:39:400:39:46

My Auntie Nora, she lives a long way away.

0:39:460:39:48

And she had to sleep in the same room as me and my brother all night.

0:39:500:39:53

And she got undressed in the same place. Not at the same time.

0:39:530:39:57

Well, she couldn't, because she ain't half fat.

0:39:580:40:01

Do you know, she's got things to hold her up and things to

0:40:010:40:03

hold her down and things to hold her in and out and all over the place.

0:40:030:40:07

My brother says, when she gets undressed,

0:40:070:40:09

she has to go to bed, otherwise she'd fall down.

0:40:090:40:12

And the vicar come. The vicar come! A-ha.

0:40:120:40:16

He came round, nosy old... He come round.

0:40:160:40:19

He come round because he wanted to fix a christening

0:40:190:40:22

and he wanted to know the name, I expect.

0:40:220:40:24

My mum has got a funny name for it, because I think I heard her say,

0:40:240:40:27

"I think I'm going to call it quits." But...

0:40:270:40:29

There was a vicar there and my auntie, so I thought, right,

0:40:320:40:36

I'm going to stand in the middle of the floor

0:40:360:40:38

and do something which will give a very big surprise, because...

0:40:380:40:41

Yes, because it was like a party, you see. So I told them a joke.

0:40:410:40:46

Yeah, and my mum laughed, my auntie left and the vicar cried.

0:40:460:40:50

Because it was about a bull.

0:40:500:40:52

It was a daddy bull, and he was in a field, and he got three baby boy

0:40:520:40:55

bulls in the field, and the daddy said to the first baby boy bull,

0:40:550:40:58

he said, "Here, what are you going to be when you grow up?

0:40:580:41:01

The first one said, "I'm going to be a bull in a china shop."

0:41:010:41:04

He said to the second one, "What are you going to be when you grow up?"

0:41:040:41:06

The second one said, "I'm going to be a bull in the Army."

0:41:060:41:09

He said to the third one, "What are you going to be when you grow up?"

0:41:090:41:12

And the third one said, "I want to stay in the field with you

0:41:120:41:14

"for heifer and heifer."

0:41:140:41:17

And now, ladies and gentlemen. My solo song sung. Thank you.

0:41:170:41:20

# For many years before the war We used to go away

0:41:240:41:27

# And spend a jolly time beside the sea

0:41:270:41:30

# But when the railway fares went up back home, we had to stay

0:41:300:41:34

# Because we haven't got the LSD

0:41:340:41:37

# But Father had a good idea to make the house look gay

0:41:370:41:41

# We've railway posters posted on the wall

0:41:410:41:44

# In every room there's lovely places like Deal and Douglas Bay

0:41:440:41:48

# So now we never want to go at all

0:41:480:41:51

# Oh, the seaside posters around the home

0:41:510:41:55

# We never want to journey by the foam

0:41:550:41:58

# There's Brighton in the bathroom and Papa feels quite a swell

0:41:580:42:02

# Because he cuts his corns outside the Metropole Hotel

0:42:020:42:05

# We've got Yarmouth in the home and there's Yarmouth in the yard

0:42:050:42:09

# And Bournemouth we put somewhere out the back

0:42:090:42:13

# And in the little parlour where the ladies sit and chat

0:42:130:42:16

#We've got Clacton with the accent on the clack

0:42:160:42:20

# Oh, seaside posters round the home

0:42:200:42:23

# We never from our doorstep want to roam

0:42:230:42:27

# There's Worthing in the cellar where we keep the bottled stout

0:42:270:42:30

# And Father goes in there sometimes to see the tide go out

0:42:300:42:34

# We've pictures of the Isle of Wight along the garden path

0:42:340:42:37

# From Tottenham Bay to the golden shore

0:42:370:42:41

# And when the milkman comes and leaves his cans upon the step

0:42:410:42:44

# You can almost fancy Cowes was at the door. #

0:42:440:42:47

APPLAUSE

0:42:490:42:52

And now, ladies and gentlemen, there is really only just time now

0:43:040:43:08

for the last chorus of all, which you all know.

0:43:080:43:10

Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

0:43:100:43:12

We give you, ladies and gentlemen,

0:43:120:43:14

Mr Terry Scott, Mr Arthur Askey and the entire company.

0:43:140:43:18

We give you Mr Bernard Hammond and his entire orchestra of exemplary...

0:43:180:43:26

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

-..auxiliaries.

0:43:260:43:30

But this time, chiefly yourselves.

0:43:340:43:38

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me

0:43:430:43:47

# Down at the old Bull and Bush Da-da-da-da-da

0:43:470:43:51

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

0:43:510:43:55

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

0:43:550:43:57

# Hear the little German band

0:43:590:44:01

# Da-da-da-da-da-da-da

0:44:010:44:02

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

0:44:020:44:06

# Do, do, come and have a drink or two

0:44:060:44:10

# Down at the old Bull and Bush.

0:44:100:44:13

# Bush-Bush. #

0:44:130:44:16

APPLAUSE

0:44:160:44:18

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