17/01/1975 The Good Old Days

# My old man said follow the van

# And don't dilly dally on the way

# Off went the van wiv me 'ome packed in it

# I followed on wiv me old cock linnet

# I dillied and dallied, dallied and dillied

# Lost me way and don't know where to roam

# Stopped on the way to have the old half-quartern

# And I can't find my way 'ome. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Once again...

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

-ALL:

-Good evening.

-Concomitantly corybantic...

-ALL:

-Oh!

-..dancing.

With the Players' Theatre, Miss Jenny Wren.

APPLAUSE

# Put on your tat-ta little girlie

# Do what I want you to

# Far from the busy hurly burly

# I've got lots to say to you

# My head's completely twirly whirly

# My girl I want you to be

# So put on your tat-ta Your pretty little tat-ta

# And come out a tat-ta

# Come out a tat-ta

# Yes, come out a tat-ta with me

# I was a good little girl till I met you

# You set my head in a whirl

# My poor heart too

# Oh, how you told me the tale

# You always do

# I was a good little girl till I met you

# Josh-u-ah, Josh-u-ah

# Why don't you call and see Mama

# She'll be pleased to know

# You are my best beau

# Josh-u-ah, Josh-u-ah

# Nicer than lemon squash you are

# Yes, by gosh you are

# Josh-u-osh-u-ah

# I wonder why I always sigh the way I do

# And now it seems that all my dreams are all of you

# You used to be so nice to me in days gone by

# But all that now has changed somehow

# I wonder why

# You called me Baby Doll a year ago

# You told me I was very nice to know

# I soon learned what love was

# I thought I knew

# But all I've learned has only taught me how to love you

# You made me think you loved me in return

# Don't tell me you were fooling after all

# For if you go away

# You'll be sorry someday

# You left behind a broken doll

# You called me Baby Doll a year ago

# Year ago, year ago, year ago

# You told me I was very nice to know

# Nice to know, nice to know, nice to know

# I soon learned what love was

# I thought I knew

# But all I've learned has only taught me how to love you

# You made me think you loved me in return

# In return, in return, in return

# Don't tell me you were fooling after all

# For if you go away

# You'll be sorry someday

# You left behind a broken doll

# Jere-Jeremiah, my heart is on fire

# Play again that sweet refrain

# Um-tarara, um-tarara

# Jere-Jeremiah, it's the finest tune I've known

# Rag it, rag it

# Zig, zigzag it on your Ragtime trombone

# Jere-Jeremiah, my heart is on fire

# Play again that sweet refrain

# Um-tarara, um-tarara

# Jere-Jeremiah, it's the finest tune I've known

# Rag it, rag it

# Zig, zigzag it

# On the Ragtime

# Ra-ra-ra-ra Ragtime...

# Ra-ra-ra-ra Ragtime...

# Trombone. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, polyglottally...

AUDIENCE: Oh!

For your gratification, Mr John Bouchier.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you very much indeed, Mr Chairman

for that very nice introduction.

Very nice? You didn't understand a word of it!

LAUGHTER

-Yes, I did.

-Well, I didn't.

That's because you're not very well educated

and without education you'll never be able to work.

I was working all last summer. I was a lifeguard on the beach all summer.

-Oh!

-Saving the girls.

-What for?

-The winter.

LAUGHTER

-What's that thing?

-That's got nothing whatever to do with you,

but as you mention it, I'd like to show the ladies and gentleman.

You sit down for a bit and I'll show them.

In fact, you sit over here like this. That's the idea.

You just sit there.

And you can turn your head round like that. Good.

LAUGHTER

A little girl came up to me and said, "Would you do me a favour?"

I said certainly. She said, "Could you mend my dolly for me?"

I said, "Yes, if you've got the parts". So she gave me the body.

I said, is there any more? She said, "No."

I thought, well, it needs a head so I got a sort of a tennis ball,

cut it in half, painted it so it would look like a face

and placed it on the back of my hand like this with a piece of elastic.

HE COUGHS

-Excuse me.

-HE COUGHS

-My throat needs clearing.

-Needs cutting!

LAUGHTER

-That wasn't very polite.

-No, but it was sincere.

LAUGHTER

I said, "How's that?" She said, "That's fine."

APPLAUSE

-Hello, Andy.

-Hello.

-How are you?

-Very well, thank you.

Good, I'm very pleased to hear that. Tell me, do you go to school?

-I go to two schools.

-Oh, two schools.

-Weekday school.

-Yeah.

-And Sunday school.

-Oh, and which school do you like best?

-Sunday school.

-Why is that?

-Only go once a week.

LAUGHTER

-Do you mind if I smoke?

-Don't care if you burn.

-Well that's very...

LAUGHTER

That's nice coming from a little boy. Tell me, how old are you?

-Four years old.

-Four years old and you say something like that.

-When will you be five?

-On my birthday.

LAUGHTER

-Do you mind if I smoke?

-No, can I smoke?

-No, you're too young.

A little boy like you should be learning to sing, not smoke.

-Can you sing?

-I can do the scales.

All right, do the scales for me.

# Do re mi fa so la ti do.

That's not bad, but you must learn to hold a note.

-Could you hold a note?

-Certainly.

-How long for?

-As long as you can.

LAUGHTER

Well, I...

APPLAUSE

I tell you what, we'll have a little practice,

see if you can hold a note for everybody here.

-Now?

-Yes, now.

-OK.

LONG, HIGH-PITCHED NOTE

NOTE DESCENDS

-OK?

-That's fine.

APPLAUSE

-Listen, what have you been doing today?

-I went fishing.

-Did you catch anything?

-Caught something you've never seen before.

Can you bring that fish on I caught this afternoon, please?

Here she comes.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

Lovely. Thank you very much. Get a few chips.

-We can have a little fish supper after.

-This is fantastic, isn't it?

Very nice indeed, yeah. 36, 24 and three and six a pound.

LAUGHTER

-Where did you find it?

-I didn't. I'm still looking for it.

I can't find it.

I think you're very lovely.

Mmm!

But I think you have to go back.

-Tell me, did you have a mother and father?

-No.

-No.

No, she's an act of cod.

LAUGHTER

And thereby hangs a tale and all!

-John?

-Yes.

-I like you.

-Oh, thank you very much.

-I think you're rather good-looking.

-Oh! Now, you're only saying that!

-No, you're saying it, mate!

LAUGHTER

He's the only one who does and all, aren't you?

-I also like the chairman.

-You like the chairman?

AUDIENCE: Whoa!

-What's his name?

-His name is Leonard.

-Leonard.

No, not Leonard.

LAUGHTER

Just Leonard.

Leh-nerd.

LAUGHTER

-Has she got a bone in her throat or something?

-I don't know.

I think it's your fault really

because you're ven-treacle-twist, aren't you?

-I'm a ventriloquist.

-Ven-trickle-ist.

Ventriloquist!

How come she can say it and I can't?

LAUGHTER

I really have no idea, but I think we've all said too much already

so I'd like you to say goodnight to everybody.

From me, Charlie, goodnight.

From me, goodnight, Mr Chairman.

And from me, John Bouchier,

goodnight and thank you very much indeed.

APPLAUSE

Ladies, the very glass of fashion and the mould of form,

Mr Barry Kent.

APPLAUSE

ORCHESTRA PLAYS

SINGS LONG OPERATIC NOTE

# Aye!

# If I catch Alphonso Spagoni, the Toreador

# With a mighty swipe I will dislocate his bally jaw!

# I'll find this bullfighter, I will

# And if I catch the bounder

# The blighter I'll kill

# He shall die! (He shall die!)

# He shall die (He shall die)

# He shall die-di-di-di-di!

# He shall die!

# He shall die!

# For I'll raise a bunion on his Spanish onion

# If I catch him bending tonight!

# I tracked him to London

# But he gave me the slip once again

# And they told me this morning

# That he'd doubled and gone back to Spain

# But whatever it costs me I'll catch him

# Then no more will he give me the slip

# With my last one and nine pence

# I'm going on Sunday

# To Spain on a no-return trip

Are you ready?

# Oh, yes!

AUDIENCE: Oh, no!

Ladies and gentlemen, remember where you are.

A nice "refeened" one!

# Oh, yes!

# (Oh, no!)

# And then the dark deed will be du-uh-uh

HIGH NOTE: # Done!

# If I catch Alphonso Spagoni, the toreador

# With one mighty swipe I will dislocate his bally jaw!

# I'll find that bullfighter, I will

# And if I catch the bounder

# The blighter I'll kill He shall die!

# He shall die! He shall die tiddly-i-ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-ti!

# He shall die! He shall die!

# For I'll raise a bunion on his Spanish onion

# If I catch him bending tonight!

# Oh, I'll raise a bunion on his Spanish onion

# If I catch him bending tonight!

# Ole!

APPLAUSE

# There's a little brown road

# Windin' over the hill

# To a little white cot by the sea

# There's a little green gate

# At whose trellis I wait

# While two eyes o' blue

# Come smilin' through at me

# There's a grey lock or two in the gold of her hair

# There's some silver in mine too, I see

# But in all the long years

# When the clouds brought their tears

# Those two eyes o' blue

# Kept smilin' through at me

# And if ever I'm left in this world all alone

# I shall wait for my call patiently

# And if heaven be kind

# I shall wait there to find

# Those two eyes o' blue

# Still smilin' through

# At me. #

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

From Denmark, for your multiple mystification...

..Saxburger!

APPLAUSE

CROWD: Awww!

CROWD: URGH!

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

CROWD: Awww!

CROWD: Awww!

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

CROWD GASP

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: The Colonel Bogey March

Super abundantly!

Stimulant of sybaritic susceptibilities.

Superlatively soaring in sentimental sumptuousness.

Your own...

Your very, very own...

Miss Lyn Kennington.

APPLAUSE

# Falling in love with love is falling for make believe

# Falling in love with love is playing a fool

# Caring too much is such a juvenile fancy

# Learning to trust is just for children in school

# I fell in love with love one night when the moon was full

# I was unwise with eyes unable to see

# I fell in love with love With love everlasting

# But love fell out with me

# I'll be always loving you

# So there will be no time for tears

# Just keep remembering the love we knew

# The secret happiness I shared with you

# I'll be always loving you

# Through all the days that turn to eves

# For as long as I live

# For as long as I love

# I will always be loving you... #

APPLAUSE

# Falling in love. #

# Falling in love

# I fell in love with love

# With love everlasting

# But love fell out with me. #

APPLAUSE

# The roses each one

# Met with the sun

# Sweetheart when I met you

# The sunshine has fled

# The roses were dead

# Sweetheart when I lost you

# I lost the sunshine and roses

# I lost the heavens of blue

# I lost the beautiful rainbow

# I lost the morning dew

# I lost the angel who gave me

# Summer the whole winter through

# I lost the gladness that turned into sadness

# When I lost you

# I lost the sunshine and roses

# I lost the heavens of blue

# I lost the beautiful rainbows

# I lost the morning dew

# I lost the angel who gave me

# Sunshine the whole winter through

# I lost the gladness that turned into sadness

# When I lost you. #

APPLAUSE

-Cyclonically...

-AUDIENCE CHEER

..seismographic,

the one and only Mr Ken Dodd!

CHEERING

KEN SHOUTS

Come on!

Right, sir...

APPLAUSE DROWNS HIM OUT

Whoa! Thank you, sir...

-SILENCE

-Shut it!

LAUGHTER

LIVELY MUSIC STRIKES UP

# When I'm picking

# The beetroots dear

# That's when my heart beats for you

# When I'm picking

# Those blue berries

# That's when I feel blue for you

# And when I'm picking

# Those pickled onions

# That's the only time I cry for you

# But when banana skins are falling

# I'll come sliding back to you

# Yes, when banana skins are falling

# I'll come sliding back to you! #

CHEERING

Ladies!

Thank you, thank you.

-HE COUGHS

-By Jove, I needed that.

It's better out than in. Ladies and gentlemen...

LAUGHTER

-Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to say...

-HIGH PITCHED:

-..how...!

How tickled I am, yes, how tickled I am by all this good will.

Have you ever been tickled by goodwill, Miss?

Hello, good, old Willy. Tickled!

I'll show you, Mrs. By Jove, this calls for a...

-CHEERING

-Yes...

By Jove...

CHEERING

That's surprising, isn't it, eh?

You thought you were going to see the main feature a bit early.

LAUGHTER

Mrs, I'm coming down to see you, love,

cos it's tickling me to see you. This is it, love.

You can be tickled anywhere you like, ladies.

You can be tickled anywhere you like, thanks to a new Post Office

-service called Inter-tickle.

-LAUGHTER

A knock on the front door and you shoot down the lobby,

or foyer, if you live in Harrogate...

-LAUGHTER

-Open the front door and the telegram

boy will be standing there with a huge tickling stick.

He'll say, "Charlie Addleston sent this, love. Happy birthday!"

"Wish you were here, stop, wish I was there, don't stop." Rubbish.

A little tickle down here... Oh...

Here you are, Albert!

He's going away for the weekend to Brighton anyway.

Now, ladies, first of all, I'd like to say how absolutely

discomnockerated, how, how...

Oh, yes, Miss, how full of plong-ciousness.

I do. Tonight, I feel completely goolified, standing here...

LAUGHTER

Standing here in this magnificent, giant...shoebox.

LAUGHTER

Oh, I have so much to give.

You're going to get it, too. I'm going to make you have it.

LAUGHTER

What a fantastic day! What a potty day for doing something political!

Dashing into a maternity home and shouting,

"It's your own fault for voting Labour!"

Well!

Votes for women!

Squirting a hosepipe up Emmeline Pankhurst's bloomers,

saying, "How's that for a suffering jet?"

You know!

APPLAUSE

Yeah! Go on! Go on!

Here we are, ladies and gentlemen, there's a wonderful atmosphere

in here tonight, just like a clinic.

You know what it is? It's the north, love, the north.

Cos we're the greatest, in the north, aren't we?

-ALL:

-Yes!

And the most modest. Ah, to the north.

-Utterly Waring...

-HE SHOUTS INCOMPREHENSIBLY

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Eddie Waring, the talking trilby.

Eddie Waring, the thinking man's Womble.

This is...

You see, I stand here tonight, ladies and gentlemen, full of it.

And I finally feel that I've arrived.

You don't get a chance to play to millionaires every day

of the week and just coming here and seeing all the quality.

I think I look back to my start in showbiz and realise I owe it all

to one little old basket.

Here it is, ladies and gentlemen. The one little old basket.

It's all in here. My little old prop basket. By Jove!

Now this is an interesting one, here. This little...

This little cane with arthritis...

And this little hat on there. Now, who does that remind you of?

There we are, there we are. By Jove!

One of the greatest of our music hall comedians today,

Mr George Robey.

I like to go out walking alone by myself.

Tis merely for exercise.

I wonder around like a mischievous elf, for I always expect a surprise.

T'other day...

Desist, temper your frivolity with a modicum of decorum.

T'other day, I was walking alongside a hedge

and the hedge was apropos of some trees.

I got my surprise as I walked along the edge as a sound

wafted my way on the breeze.

So I stopped and I looked and I listened,

and I tried to locate the sound.

First, I thought it was there, then I thought it was there,

a most peculiar sound I really declare.

I'd heard it before but I cannot say where,

so I thought that the sound must be found.

So I stopped and I looked and I listened

and the sound seemed to come from the ground.

Someone said, "Do." Someone said, "Don't."

Someone said, "Will."

Someone said, "Won't."

So I stopped and I looked and I left.

APPLAUSE

Ah! Ah! Here's a little friend of mine, ladies and gentlemen.

-A little friend of mine all the way from Knotty Ash. Aren't you?

-Yes.

-You've walked all the way?

-Yes.

-You must be very tired.

-Yes.

-But you are glad to be here?

-Yes.

-Can you say anything else but, yes?

-Yes.

-What's that?

-No.

-I believe your name is Dicky Mint.

-Yes, cock.

-Pardon?

-Yes, cock.

-When you talk to me, you must say, "Sir."

-Sir?

-Yes.

-Yes, sir, cock.

It's good stuff this, you know, not ruggish.

I mean rubbish.

Well if you've walked all the way from Knotty Ash,

-you must be very thirsty.

-Yes.

So would you like a big bottle of brown beer.

A big bottle of brown beer and some brown bread and butter

-or a shandy.

-Shandy.

-Good, now...

LAUGHTER

Right.

Ah, this is it.

This is the most valuable thing I have in my little basket,

ladies and gentlemen. Music.

If music be the food of love, give us a thrill with your sausage roll.

Shakespeare. Shakespeare said that just before they took him away.

I love Handel's Largo. It refreshes the parts that cocoa cannot reach.

La Donna E Mobile translated, does anybody want to buy a lady's bike?

La Donna E Mobile. Thank you.

MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC STOPS

What's the matter?

TROMBONE PLAYS

LAUGHTER

TROMBONE PLAYS CONTINUOUSLY

LAUGHTER

It's him, sir.

# La donna e mobile

# Qual piuma al vento

# Muta d'accento

# E di pensiero

# Sempre un a mabile

# Leggiadro viso

# In pianto o in riso, Mensognero.

# La donna e mobile

# Qual piuma al vento

# Muta d'accento

# E di pensier

# Da-da da-da

# E di pensier

# E di pensier!

APPLAUSE

MUSIC STOPS

What's the matter?

DRUM PLAYS CONTINUOUSLY

In English.

# Woman is fickle

# Give her a tickle

# Hold her waist tightly

# Do it twice nightly

# All over Italy

# Birds sing so prettily

# Two key per tidy town

# They all fly upside down

# My auntie Nelly has a big...

# Telly.

# But my Aunti Lil has a bigger one still

# Da-da da-da

# You should see my uncle Jack

# E di pensier!

# E di pensier!

# E di pensier!

# La donna e mobile! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Thank you.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, there is only just time for the last

chorus of the night.

Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Ken Dodd, the entire company,

Mr Bernard Hammond and the entire and almost unflagging orchestra,

-but this time, chiefly...

-ALL:

-Yourselves.

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

# Hear the little German band

# Da-da-da-da-da-da-da

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

# Do, do, come and have a drink or two

# Down at the old Bull and Bush

# Bush-Bush! #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING