21/02/1975 The Good Old Days

CHEERING

Once again!

BOOING

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING AND BOOING

Prefiguratively... CHEERING

..our postprandial... CHEERING

..peroration... CHEERING

.."penidarises" primarily

the Polyphonic Players Theatre

and the prestigious prowess

of Mr Bernard Cribbins!

APPLAUSE

# London, London

# Good old London city

# Good for those who coif nice clothes

# And lots of LSD

# But London, London

# Don't show me much pity

# It must have been built for people with cash

# It never was built for me... #

Oh, here we go!

# Come with me down Regent Street

# Come with me down Regent Street

# No more strolling down the Strand

# Strolling down the Strand is not so grand

# So come with me down Regent Street

# And everyone you'll meet

# With a right too-roo-rah, right too-roo-rah, right too-roo-rah-day

# If you come down Regent Street

# With a right too-roo-rah, right too-roo-rah, right too-roo-rah-day

# If you come down Regent Street

# I'm Silk Hat Tony I'm down and I'm stony

# I'm not only broke but I'm bent

# The fringe round my trousers keeps lashing the houses

# But, dammit, I'm gay and content

# I stroll the West gaily

# You'll find me there daily

# From Burlington Arcade up to Old Bailey

# I'm Tony, I'm stony

# But that makes no difference, you see

# If I haven't a fraction I've one satisfaction

# They built Piccadilly for me

# Jane, Jane, Jane from Maiden Lane

# She always looked so diffident and shy

# But although demure and tidy

# And perhaps a trifle sidy

# She'd a naughty little twinkle Such a wicked little winkle

# Such a naughty little twinkle in her eye

# I live in Trafalgar Square

# With four lions to guard me

# Fountains and statues all over the place

# And the Metropol' staring me right in the face

# I own it's a trifle drafty

# But I looks at it this way, you see

# If it's good enough for Nelson... #

DRUMBEATS Oh, God!

# ..It's quite good enough for me

# Let's all go down the Strand Have a banana!

# Let's all go down the Strand

# I'll be leader You can march behind

# Come with me and see what we can find

# Let's all go down the Strand

# Oh, what a happy land

# That's the place for fun and noise All amongst the girls and boys

# So let's all go down the Strand

# We like London

# We like town

# We cannot understand why people put it down

# We know it well and all agree

# There's no place we would rather be

# We're very, very fond of

# London! #

CHEERING

And now an unparalleled opportunity...

AUDIENCE WHOOPS

..for the orchidaceous ladies

and their attendant and auxiliary gentlemen

in a prodigality of participatory...

AUDIENCE WHOOPS

..reciprocity.

Joining in with the Pied Piper,

Mr Des Lane!

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

HE PLAYS Yellow Rose Of Texas

AUDIENCE WHISTLES NEXT LINE

Not yet!

LAUGHTER

Right, now this is where all of you join in.

HE PLAYS A Life On The Ocean Wave

AUDIENCE WHISTLES NEXT LINE

HE PLAYS It's A Long Way To Tipperary

-AUDIENCE:

-# It's a long way to go

# It's a long way to Tipperary

# To the sweetest girl I know

# Goodbye, Piccadilly. #

I'm not going to play!

# Farewell, Leicester Square

# It's a long, long way to Tipperary

# But my heart's right there. #

All right, if you know the words, everybody sing!

# It's a long way to Tipperary

# It's a long way to go

# It's a long way to Tipperary

# To the sweetest girl I know

# Goodbye, Piccadilly

# Farewell, Leicester Square

# It's a long, long way to Tipperary

# But my heart's right there. #

That's fine. Two to go.

HE PLAYS POP GOES THE WEASEL

-AUDIENCE:

-# La la la la la la. #

-# Pop goes the weasel! #

-Last one.

PLAYS MILITARY MARCH

And don't you dare!

LAUGHTER

Hey?

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Ah, you're marvellous. Can you still hear me?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes.

I'm sure now you'll remember this really great song that was

written all about the blues.

HE PLAYS Birth Of The Blues

-AUDIENCE:

-# The birth of the blues. #

-AUDIENCE:

-# The birth of the blues. #

-AUDIENCE:

-# The birth of the blues. #

# And then from a whippoorwill up high on a hill

# They took a new note

# And then they pushed it through a horn until it was worn

# Into a blue note. #

Now, really go!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Jauntily jubilant

in a vertiginous germination

juxtaposing joint laryngeal

and saltatorial propensities,

two lads singing and dancing together.

Mr Ray C Davis and Mr Tudor Davies!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# A song to every mother

# A song to every Dad

# You're both so happy with your babies

# But someday you may be sad

# When these little boys grow up and fall in love

# When you find there's someone else they're dreaming of

# You dream of bygone years when you rocked them on your knee

# How long you shed your tears

# But you know it had to be

# When your little boys grow up and buy a ring

# When they fall a victim to that certain thing

# Your dream of childhood joys with just a few forgotten toys

# When these little boys grow up

# And fall in love

# Well, Mama, we're both of age

# For we've both reached that certain stage

# Where, to us, girls mean more than anything

# Tell them all we're on our way and we're setting out today

# It's the reason why we feel inclined to sing

# To-o-o sing

# Put me amongst the girls

# Put me amongst the girls

# Do me a favour do

# You know I'd do the same for you

# Put me amongst the girls

# Those with the curly curls

# And they'll enjoy themselves and so will I

# If you put me amongst the girls

# I've a positive itch to get down in a ditch

# Or again in a lane that is shady

# With a million patters of filly-like matters

# As long as the fillies are ladies

# She'll try to look shy and we'll both wonder why

# As we're sitting alone in the moonlight

# And it's perfectly clear my dear partner here's

# Having trouble in getting the tune right

# I'll flatter and chat her might even carry on just like a boxer

# If she tries to resist she'll end up getting kissed

# Those with the curly curls

# They'll enjoy themselves and so will I

# If you put me amongst the girls. #

Dance?

Oh!

Ooh!

Oi!

What about me then?

Well, what about you?

Well...

-AUDIENCE:

-Awww!

Oi!

DRUMROLL

It's a double act...son.

-Terribly sorry about this, Mr Chairman.

-That's all right.

Could have got Danny La Rue for another 30 bob.

LAUGHTER

DRUMROLL

LAUGHTER

A-one, two, three, four.

# Put me amongst the girls

# Those with the curly curls

# They'll enjoy themselves and so will I

# If you put me

# Put me

# Put me...

-# Amongst the girls

-# Amongst the girls

# Amongst the girls

-# Amongst the girls

-Amongst the girls. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

No, madam, no, they are NOT officially related.

Resplendent from the superbities

of Strauss,

illimitably liquescent,

Ilayha's lilting legato...

Miss Valerie Masterson!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# There once lived a Vilia

# A witch of a wood

# A hunter beheld her

# Alone as she stood

# The spell of her beauty

# Upon him was laid

# He looked and he longed for

# The magical maid

# For a sudden tremor ran

# Right through the love-bewildered man

# And he cried

# As a hapless lover can

# Vilia, O Vilia

# My maid of delight

# Haunting the woodland

# Enchanting the light

# Vilia, O Vilia

# Be tender and true

# Love me and I'll die for you

# Vilia, O Vilia

# Be tender and true

# Love me and I'll die for you

# Sadly he cried

# Vilia... #

APPLAUSE

# Romance, a play boy who is born each spring

# To teach the nightingale to sing a very pretty song

# I love you

# Romance, a legend on an old brocade

# A prince who tells a country maid

# I love you

# Now where this whimsy comes from I don't know

# For when it comes it's just about to go

# Romance, a flower that will bloom awhile

# With sunshine from a lover's smile

# That lover's tears bedew

# Ah-ah, ah-ah!

# Yet, when I seek this beauty

# Flower of youth's first dawning

# I find a prosy work-a-day world

# Stretching and yawning

# Love is locked up in cages

# Kept for a poet's pages

# Life and adventure don't seem to be

# Paying attention to me

# And so I dream of fair romance and let my fancies

# Weave pretty stories

# And though I know they are not so

# I long to go wandering

# Amid their wistful glories

# My princes become what I mould them

# And they stay for the breath of a sigh

# I open my arms to enfold them

# But they're gone like a breeze rushing by

# Ah, this is a humdrum world

# Yet when I dream

# I set it dancing

# When life is grey, I have a way to make it gay

# I grab a day

# And dream of love. #

APPLAUSE

Peri... Peripatetic

perpetrators of facetious flippancies...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..and fatuous persiflage,

Mr Bill Pertwee and Mr Terence Alexander!

APPLAUSE

Ah, all right?

Sit down.

Stay there, Gladstone, and behave yourself.

Oh, my word, what a journey!

Came all the wrong way.

Just outside of the town somebody let off a firecracker

and the horse bolted!

LAUGHTER

My man Hampton and I, we've just been spending

a couple of days at Oakham in the county of Rutland

trite-nulling.

Yes, fascinating sport, trite-nulling.

Yes, funny little animals, trites.

Smallish, they are, with reddish-brown fur, a pointed face,

three legs and a wheel.

LAUGHTER

Hampton, Hampton, where are you?

-Here we are, sir.

-Ah, there you are.

It's Hampton.

APPLAUSE

-Park the chap all right?

-Oh, yes, thank you, sir, yes.

Oh, good, good, yes. What's all this then?

-The music stand and the hamper, sir.

-Oh, good, good.

-What's this here?

-The steering wheel.

-Steering wheel?

-Yes, I thought we might use it to drive home, sir.

You can't drive a horse and trap with a steering wheel!

Get rid of it!

What shall I do with it?

LAUGHTER

Ignore him, Gladstone.

Give it to him! Give it to him!

Oh, I'll do it.

Do you mind holding that? Thank you very much.

That's it. Did you bring the lunch?

-It's in here, sir.

-Oh, what have we got today, smoked salmon?

-Toad in the hole.

-Oh, that's near enough.

Let's get on with the music, shall we?

-I think perhaps we'd better, sir, yes.

-Where is the music?

-In the hamper, sir.

-In the hamper?

Yes, I had to wrap up the toad in it.

Wrap up the toad in it?!

I'm afraid the batter was still a bit runny, you see, sir.

There we are, sir, yes.

What do we need for this?

Three flugelhorns, bagpipes and a Jew's harp.

Oh, have you got that sort of thing down there?

-No!

-Oh.

This won't upset the dog at all, will it?

Good heavens, no, sir. He's very deaf is poor old Gladstone.

You know last week we had a bit of trouble with that German band.

Got a bit excited, he did.

I think he took a bit of a dislike to the bassoonist, you know.

-Bassoonist?

-Bassoonist, yeah. Took a bit of a dislike to him.

-I thought you were going to say trombonist.

-Trombonist, no, no, no.

LAUGHTER

If I hadn't been able to say bassoonist,

I'd probably would have said trombonist.

LAUGHTER

Tell me, what have you got down there?

-He's got percussion.

-Has he? Oh.

That's a bit nasty. You want to see a doctor about that, you know.

He's probably had a bit of a tap on the head.

Never mind, we'll just have to do the best we can, that's all.

I tell you what, sir, perhaps I could hum it.

I didn't know you were a hummer, Hampton?

Oh, yes, I have a number of proclivities unknown to you, sir.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

You getting those dizzy spells again, Hampton?

I think possibly I am, sir, yes.

-I think you'd better go and see a doctor.

-No, sir, please, no, no.

Not again. Not after my last dreadful experience.

What are you talking about?

-When I went to see the doctor, it was most embarrassing.

-What was?

Having to take off all my clothes.

-What, the lot?

-Yes, sir, right down too my gaiters.

-Ooh, dear.

-What was wrong?

-He said I was susceptible to...

Ooh, did he?

Did he ask you to...

COUGHS

I beg your pardon?

LAUGHTER

Cough!

HE COUGHS

Not now! I mean, did the doctor ask you to cough? Oh, dear, oh, dear.

No, he didn't, no.

But he said I must never ride a bike or wear a kilt in a high wind.

Yes, unusual. Did he say why?

Yes, he said I was suffering from some vitamin deficiency, sir.

He told me to eat a lot of stewed rhubarb.

Ooh. Will that cure it?

Well, he wasn't sure

but he said it would give me something else to think about.

LAUGHTER

We can't go on like this. We'll never get home at this rate.

-How are we going to get home, sir?

-You leave it to me, Hampton.

BAND STRIKES UP

Oh, that's nice. Very nice.

# Strolling. #

Strolling?

# Just strolling. #

-Oh, strolling?

-Yes.

# In the cool of the evening air. #

-Very nice indeed, sir.

-Thank you.

# I don't envy the rich

# In their automobiles

# For a motor car is phoney

# I'd rather have Shanks's pony

# When I'm strolling

-Come on, sir.

-Thank you.

# Just strolling

# By the light of the moon above. #

The moon above!

# Every night I go out strolling

# And I know my luck is rolling

# When I'm strolling with the one I love. #

Everybody now.

# Strolling. #

Lovely.

# Just strolling

# In the cool of the evening air

# I don't envy the rich

# In their automobiles

# The motor car is phoney

# I'd rather have Shanks's pony

# When I'm strolling

# Just strolling

# By the light of the moon above

# Every night I go out strolling

# And I know my luck is rolling

# When I'm strolling with the one I

# Strolling with the one I

# Strolling with the one I love. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

From Spain...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Paroxysmal in a precocity

of percussive permutations,

El Senor Nick Moll!

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Now, important.

Sexy.

APPLAUSE

Once again for your rapturous approbation...

..the one and only Mr Bernard Cribbins.

APPLAUSE

# When I got home last Wednesday I was feeling rather queer

# A little out of sorts you'll understand

# I found a little drinking house conveniently near

# And I went in with me thruppence in me hand

# The barmaid she was six foot two and every inch an gent

# With a figure like a well-made double bed

# "What can I do for you?" she says and on the counter leant

# And I gazed into her feather boa and said

# They tell me there's a lot of it about

# They tell me there's a lot of it about

# Some get it here some get it there

# Others seem to pick it up any old where

# It's definitely on the increase

# Of that there is no doubt

# It's not a thing that you can put your finger on

# But there's certainly a lot of it about

# On looking round my property imagine my dismay

# To find the fence all broken by the door

# So I popped round to the carpenter

# And told him right away my perimeters had fallen to the floor

# He brought some wood all full of holes

# "They're not holes," he explained

# "If they're not holes what are they then?" I cried

# "Of course they're holes, they're knotholes!"

# He replied in accent strange

# "The hole's there but the knot is not inside"

# Well, they tell me there's a lot of it about

# They tell me there's a lot of it about

# Some get it here some get it there

# Others seem to pick it up any old where

# It's definitely on the increase

# Of that there is no doubt

# It's not a thing that you can put your finger on

# But there's certainly a lot of it about. #

It is true. It's true Mr Sax, isn't it?

-A lot of it about these days.

-Oh, I'm sure.

-Have you...?

No, well, I won't ask that question, no.

Never mind. Yes. Oh, my lord.

You see that?

That's that Mr Pertwee dog's been up there again.

-Dreadful.

-There's a lot of it about.

There's a lot of it about, you're right.

I went to a wedding the other day.

Oh, there was a lot of it there, there was.

Oh, my God. The place was overflowing with it. Yes.

-Can I tell them about it?

-Yes, please.

-They are safe, aren't they?

-Yes, don't want to get too close, you see.

-Not too close.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

The clock in the steeple had struck 13

the day that this wedding was fixed.

The couple had gone on their honeymoon first

so things had got a bit mixed.

The bridesmaids' dresses had gone astray

and they only had half their clothes on.

And a cabbie who dared to ask for his fare

-had only got half his nose on.

-DRUMBEATS

Hello, are you starting that again?

All right, just be careful, though.

Keep it in check. Where was I? Oh, yes.

In the crowd was the bride's dear mother

and when asked would we have long to wait,

she said she didn't know cos the dirty dog

was already six months late.

But, hark, there's a police whistle blowing.

And up goes a rousing cheer as a barrow rolls up with a bride groom

-and a lorry rolls up with a beer.

-DRUMBEATS

That's a nice one that. I like that, very good. Yes.

Do you have to stand up and sit down every time you do it? Oh, I see.

I tell you what.

You won't half be fit by the end of this number, I tell you.

Ho-ho!

Yes. Where was it? Oh, it's the brideman...the beer...

HE MUMBLES

You got it, remembered it, have you? Yes.

And he should have been tall and handsome

but he suffers from duck's disease.

The seat of his pants is too near the ground

and his dicky hangs down to his knees.

-DRUMBEATS

-That's the one!

That's the one.

Please, it gets worse.

But there wasn't a stain on his character,

except where he sat in the mud.

He had two gold teeth and a wart on his neck

-he could use for a back collar stud.

-DRUMBEATS

I wasn't going to have one there but since you've done it.

No, it's all right. Doesn't matter.

But all eyes are turned to the beautiful bride,

her golden hair simply adorning.

It's her own, you can tell,

she had whiskers as well but she shaved them all of this morning.

She had a wedding cake too that comes to but few.

It was a bread pudding shot with sultanas.

And the wedding bouquet had been pawned for the day

so she carried a bunch of bananas.

Do you want to go out before I continue?

The theatre's been reupholstered lately, you know.

We do what any of that. Right, where was I? I've forgotten.

The bunch of bananas, thank you, Mr Chairman.

I don't know what I would have done without you tonight.

I really don't. There's a lot of it about, I'll never forget that.

Very nice.

Well, as they walk down the aisle with a fly on his dial

by the side of the girl he is cherishing,

the choir sang What Will The Harvest Be

and organ played Rescue The Perishing.

Then a woman with twins in her apron...

I knew that would confuse all of you.

Then a woman with twins in her apron

and a breath like a fog, only stronger,

rushed up to the bride and bitterly cried,

"I can't keep it in any longer."

"The wedding bells shall not ring out," she cried, all agitated.

"For she is not Dick Whittington and she hasn't been vaccinated."

But imagine the poor lonely bride that night

as she toys with her beautiful trousseau.

And the bridegroom sitting alone on the floor

pretending he's Robinson Crusoe.

Well, the tears rolled down her pullover

and she turned to her darling Jack

and shoving her hand in her vanity bag she gave in his fourpence back.

And, then, like a woman, she left him.

Him, what had staked his life.

Left him, went back to her husband.

And him, he went back to his wife.

But, you see, it doesn't always end like that.

Sometimes they do get on the honeymoon, don't they?

Thank you, sir.

# Two honeymooners rather tired preparing to retire

# Began to kiss and cuddle on the bed

# His love it was so ardent that the bed clothes caught on fire

# "Quick, dearest, through the window, jump!" he said

# Her nightdress caught upon a nail she nearly fell right through it

# She hung there with her arms flung open wide

# The lady in the flat below said "Kindly pass the cruet,"

# And the firemen down below as one man cried

# They tell me there's a lot of it about... #

Come on, then

# They tell me there's a lot of it about

# Some get it here some get it there

# Others seem to pick it up any old where

# It's definitely on the increase

# Of that there is no doubt

# It's not a thing that you can put your finger on

# But there's certainly a lot of it about

# They tell me there's a lot of it about

# They tell me there's a lot of it about

# Some get it here some get it there

# Others seem to pick it up any old where

# It is definitely on the increase of that there is no doubt

# It's not a thing that you can put your finger on

# There's certainly a lot of it about. #

Thank you.

Thank you.

There's just, just, just time now for the last chorus,

Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Bernard Cribbins and the entire company,

the indispensable Mr Bernard Hermann

and his inestimable orchestra.

And this time chiefly yourselves.

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Da, da, da, da, da

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# La la la la la la la

# Come, let me hold your hand, dear

# Come, come, come and have a drink or two

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Bush Bush. #