14/02/1975 The Good Old Days

# In the twi-twi-twilight

# Out in the beautiful twilight

# They all go out for a walk, walk, walk

# A quiet spoon and a talk, talk, talk

# That's the time they long for

# Just before the night

# And many a grand little wedding is planned

# In the twi-twilight. #

APPLAUSE

FANFARE

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Once again,

good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

AUDIENCE: Good evening.

Say, "Leonard, good evening!"

Good evening. Good.

Heterogeneity...

Ooh!

Exhilaratingly...

Harbinger.

The uninhibited harmonies of the Players' Theatre

enhancing the ebullience, bonhomie...

That's the friendly bounce.

..of Mr Roy Castle!

CHEERING

# It's the soldiers of the Queen, my lads

# Who've been my lads, who've seen, my lads

# In the fight for England's glory, lads

# When we have glory there to see

# And when we say we've always won

# And when they ask us how it's done

# We'll proudly point to every one

# Of England's soldiers of the Queen! #

# Tell me, pretty maiden, are there any more at home like you?

# There are a few, kind sir, but simple girls, and proper, too.

# Then tell me, pretty maiden, what these very simple girlies do?

# Kind sir, their manners are perfection,

# And the opposite of mine

# Then take a little walk with me and then you will see

# What a most particular girl should be

# I may love you too well to let you go

# And flirt with those at home, you know

# Well don't mind, little girl, you'll see

# I'll only love but you

# It's not quite fair to them if you told them that you were true

# I won't care a pin for your sisters if you love me

# What would you say if I said I liked you well?

# I'll vow to you

# On bended knee?

# On bended knee

# If I loved you, would you tell me what I ought to do

# To keep you all mine alone to always be true to me?

# If I loved you

# What a very silly thing to do

# For I must love someone

# Then why not me?

# Yes, I must love someone really

ALL: # And it might as well be you! #

# Tact, tact, take it for a fact

# Try it and you'll find it will invariably act

# Perhaps they told you in your youth

# There is nothing like the truth

# But it really can't compare at all with tact, tact, tact

# No, it really can't compare at all with tact! #

# I may be... # APPLAUSE

# ..crazy but I love you

# I'll do or dare-o

# I'm smart vaquero

# I may be shady, but I love you

# Why don't you come right here and say goodbye

# Cos I may never see you any more. #

# Little Dolly Daydream, pride of Idaho

# Now you know, and as you go

# You'll see there's somethin' on her mind

# Don't think it's you

# Cos no-one's gonna kiss that girl but me

# Little Dolly Daydream, pride of Idaho

# And now you know, and as you go

# You'll see there's somethin' on her mind

# Don't think it's you

# Cos no-one's gonna kiss that girl but me. #

# She's my lady love

# She is my dove, my baby love

# She's no gal for sittin' down to dream

# She's the only queen Laguna knows

# I know she likes me

# Because she said so

# She is my lily of Laguna

# She is my lily and my rose

# She is my lily of Laguna

# She is my lily

# And my rose! #

Thank you very much!

Ladies and gentlemen, exotica!

Gypsy goings-on!

Ladies and gentlemen,

Eva and Karlos!

LYRICAL STYLE

DRAMATIC STYLE

HIGH-PITCHED, BIRDLIKE

CHEERING

CHEERING

Now you know what your mothers meant when they said you never should

play with the gypsies!

LAUGHTER

It's a matter of technique.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, a very, very warm welcome indeed

for a very young artiste who made her debut in this programme

at the tender age of 14,

some years back.

Ladies and gentlemen, for your indulgent approbation,

Miss Kathy Jones!

# 'Twas just a garden in the rain

# Close to a little leafy lane

# A touch of colour 'neath skies of grey

# The raindrops kissed the flowerbeds

# The blossoms raised their thirsty heads

# A perfumed thank you

# They seemed to say

# Surely this was charm beyond compare to view

# Maybe it was just that I was there with you

# 'Twas just a garden in the rain

# And then the sun came out again

# And sent us happily

# On our way. #

APPLAUSE

I forgot to say that Kathy is celebrating her 21st birthday

with us and I give her this with our love.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

AUDIENCE: # Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday, dear Kathy

# Happy birthday to you! #

APPLAUSE

# Look for the silver lining

# Whenever clouds appear in the blue

# Remember somewhere, the sun is shining

# And so the right thing to do

# Is make it shine for you

# A heart full of joy and gladness

# Will always banish sadness and strife

# So always look for the silver lining

# And you will find

# The sunny side of life

# Look for the silver lining

# Whenever clouds appear in the blue

# Remember somewhere, the sun is shining

# And so the right thing to do

# Is make it shine for you

# A heart full of joy and gladness

# Will always banish sadness and strife

# So always look for the silver lining

# And you will find

# The sunny side of life. #

Devastatingly diminutive,

from the upper reaches of Debrett...

Ooh!

If you know what I mean.

Insouciant, in-inordinate,

insobrieties, mis-mischievously...

LAUGHTER

It's age.

..manipulating, Mr Ray Alan!

We give you that thrice-belted earl,

Lord Charles!

Good evening, thank you.

Yes, thank you ladies and gentlemen.

It's lovely to see you, by Jove.

Now I'm going to do something tonight,

I'm going to do something tonight.

That's right, yes.

Yes, something I haven't done before.

AUDIENCE CHUCKLES AND OOHS

I am going to show it to you!

What is this you're going to show them?

My little dolly, dear boy.

Oh, the dolly? Yes, I'm going to do the ventriquilism!

Can I have the dolly here? Thank you.

Oh, by Jove, yes.

You see that?

When they see it, they go mad.

Excuse me.

LAUGHTER

I say, that's damn clever!

How the hell did... Do that...

..do that again!

Excuse me.

Now that is fantastic, I mean...

Ladies and gentlemen in the gallery, I assure you

there wasn't a movement then.

And I was as close to him as I am, I think, dammit...

How did you get your voice over here?

How do you do?

Because... Is...

Hello, my dear.

You're a nice little thing.

You ARE a nice little thing.

That's what you are.

A nice little thing.

LAUGHTER I'm afraid I have some bad news for you.

Well, what is it then, what's the matter?

Well, it's your little dolly. We can't find it.

GENTLE LAUGHTER

They can't find the little dolly.

Where's the wooden-headed fool got to? Never..never mind.

My dear, I must be honest with you,

you're the only little dolly that I'm interested in at the moment.

Are you doing anything after the show?

No, I'm not. Oh, Lord.

LAUGHTER

And would you like some supper

at my hotel with some champers, would you?

Ooh, that would be lovely. I'm on a winner here, you know?

LAUGHTER

That's the one thing I've always wanted to do,

go out with a man who's really lived.

I've lived.

She means recently.

LAUGHTER

Well, I'll just pop and get into something a little more comfortable.

Yes. Ta-ta. Ta-ta!

Ta-ta. Oh, I'm going to take her ta-tas myself!

Oh, well, that's a damn shame about the dolly, but never mind.

I've been thinking about that.

Look, as you haven't got it,

is there no possibility of you showing us how you do it without it?

LAUGHTER

Ventriloquism without a dolly? Well, why not?

Why not indeed? By Jove, it's a topping idea.

Will you do it? Have a shot at it. Good.

Ladies and gentlemen, members of the orchestra, Mr Leonard Sachs,

but this time, chiefly myself...

LAUGHTER

I am going to give you a demonstration

in the art of ventrilo-iso-cism...

LAUGHTER

Isa..ism, without a dolly.

And I shall do for you a very difficult,

almost impossible alphabet. Yes, by Jove.

Excuse me, the alphabet, that's been done before.

It's going to be done again.

A, B, C, D, E, F, G...

..H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P,

Q, R, S, T, U, V...

This next thing's a swine...

W, X, Y and Z. How's that, by Jove.

Emergent, triumphant, from ubiquitous...

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

You-bikely...

Operatic ovations, cosmic enchoric curvaceousness...

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

A lovely lass.

Miss Joyce Blackham!

APPLAUSE

# Poor captive - so you say

# I might be rich and free

# If I would but betray the friends who trust in me

# Vain is the web your cunning weaves

# What care I for rewards, reprieves

# For bribe or threat?

# Ah, don't forget

# There's honour among thieves

# Whate'er befall I still recall

# That sunlit mountainside

# Where hearts are true

# And skies are blue

# And love's the only guide

# If faithful to my trust I stay

# No fate can fill me with dismay

# Love holds the key

# To set me free

# And love will find a way

# The punishments you plan No fears within me raise

# Take, break me, if you can

# My word unbroken stays

# 'Tis but the coward who deceives

# The friend that in his faith believes

# Do what you will

# I tell you still

# There's honour among thieves!

# Whate'er befall

# I still recall

# That sunlit mountainside

# Where hearts are true

# And skies are blue

# And love's the only guide

# If faithful to my trust I stay

# No fate can fill me with dismay

# Love holds the key

# To set me free

# And love will find a way! #

APPLAUSE

# Once in the dear dead days beyond recall

# When on the world the mists began to fall

# Out of the dreams that rose in happy throng

# Low to our hearts Love sang an old sweet song

# And in the dusk where fell the firelight gleam,

# Softly it wove itself into our dream

# Just a song at twilight when the lights are low

# And the flick'ring shadows softly come and go

# Tho' the heart be weary, sad the day and long

# Still to us at twilight comes

# Love's old song

# Comes love's old sweet song

# Just a song a twilight when the lights are low

# And the flick'ring shadows softly come and go

# Tho' the heart be weary, sad the day and long

# Still to us at twilight comes love's old song

# Comes love's old sweet song. #

APPLAUSE

Exuberance in musical mountebankery,

bandsman second-class, Mr Roy Castle!

AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG TO MUSIC

Thank you very much.

Britain needs you! LAUGHTER

I've been in brass banding for most of me life.

It's the music that I understand.

LAUGHTER

I don't play for Fordham's or even Black Dyke...

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

LAUGHTER

But Parkinson's Pickle Works band.

LAUGHTER

Now for most of me time with the Pickle Works band

I've played on the second trombone.

But last year they asked me to play the bass drum.

They thought I'd be best on me own.

LAUGHTER

Cos Percy's in charge of the onion shed.

And he likes to make people look silly.

He stuffed up the cornets with gherkins and crisps.

The euphonium's got piccalilli.

LAUGHTER

But we got, but we got our own back on Percy all right.

He-he-he.

HE COUGHS

As he played a slow movement with feeling...

..We stuffed up his tuba...

LAUGHTER

..with sago and rice

and he pebble-dashed half of the ceiling.

LAUGHTER

Cos the band's in for a contest next week.

The Albert Hall, London will hear us.

With 12 jars of pickles we'll be out on our own.

LAUGHTER

Cos no-one will want to come near us.

APPLAUSE

HE PLAYS THE TRUMPET

AUDIENCE SING ALONG

MUSIC: You Made Me Love You (I Didn't Want to Do It)

# ..Yes, I do

# 'Deed I do

# You know I do

# I must tell you what I'm feeling

# The very mention of your name

# Sends my heart reeling

# You know you made me love you... #

Wait, there's something... LAUGHTER

I shall play the last note from over there.

I shall play it. But from over there.

It doesn't look any better!

It doesn't sound any better!

But if I miss it, I'm first away.

LAUGHTER

PLAYS LAST LINGERING NOTE

APPLAUSE

SQUEALS OF LAUGHTER

Thank you. Thank you very much indeed.

Thank you. Thank you very much, thank you. Thank you.

Hey! Ha-ha! Ha-ha!

HE MUTTERS

LAUGHTER

Would you mind blowing up that end?

LAUGHTER We'll get it back again.

LAUGHTER A fine mess you've got me into!

LAUGHTER

Hey!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

No, don't go near it.

Pfft!

Prize every time, madam, eh?

Would you like to draw the raffle?

Hey, look at this. Hey.

LAUGHTER Ha-ha-ha!

ROY CASTLE LAUGHS

LAUGHING: Look at him!

MIMICS GREGORIAN CHANT

Let's have a go at this. Is that you, Frank? Right, here we go.

Hey, get off!

I'd love to smoke this in the House of Commons.

Here we go, this is it now, could you hang on to that end, please?

ALPINE HORN BLASTS

You can have a lot of fun with this on the Pennines when it's foggy.

LAUGHTER

Hey!

Did you hear that, Alice? Where are we? Where are we, hey?

LAUGHTER

Don't wind the windows down, love.

LAUGHTER

I'm sure that signpost said Dogger Bank.

I know it's somewhere near Wakefield.

Here we go now, a little participation.

Do you know, do you know Edelweiss? AUDIENCE: Yes!

Yeah? Give him my regards when you see him.

You can nearly play Edelweiss on this.

You can almost play Edelweiss, apart from,

there's one note you can't get.

It's what you call harmonics on this.

And harmonics in music can be explained by a professor of music.

But only to another professor of music.

You can nearly play it. There's one note you can't get.

You'll recognise it when it comes up.

HE PLAYS EDELWEISS

That's the one you can't play.

PIANO STARTS PLAYING

PLAYS WONKY NOTE

APPLAUSE

There you go!

Hey! Yeah! There you go!

Great.

Wonderful.

Thank you.

Hey-hey-hey! Let's have that little fella back again.

Do you know Bye-Bye Blues? AUDIENCE: Yes!

Give him my regards when you see him.

Would you sing that for me, sing that for me?

It's great for the tap dancer. The old tap dancer there.

The old tin toes.

OK, you start singing Bye-Bye Blues,

nice and quietly and I'll do a bit of a tap dance.

Here we go now.

# Bye-bye blues... #

AUDIENCE SINGS

# Bye-bye blues

# Bells ring

# Birds sing

# Sun is shining

# No more pining

# Just we two

# Smiling through

# Don't sigh

# Don't cry

# Bye-bye blues... #

One, two...

PIANO ACCOMPANIMENT PLAYS

APPLAUSE, CHEERING

Bye-bye!

APPLAUSE

Wow!

APPLAUSE

Now, there is just, just, just, just time for one more chorus,

Down at the Old Bull and Bush.

Mr Roy Castle, the entire company, the indefatigable

Mr Bernard Herrmann and the entire and almost inexhaustible orchestra.

But this time, chiefly yourselves!

# Come, come, come and make eyes at me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush Da, da, da, da, da

# Come, come, drink some port wine with me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Hear the little German Band Da, da, da, da, da

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

# Do, do come and have a drink or two

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Bush, Bush! #

APPLAUSE

50 years ago, they became superstars in astronomy,

leaders in their fields.

They represent the most productive period astronomy has ever had.

And now, they're taking an anniversary trip.