17/02/1977 The Good Old Days

# She's my lady love

# She is my dove My baby love

# She's no girl for sitting down to dream

# She's the only queen Laguna knows

# I know she likes me

# I know she likes me Because she says so

# She is the Lily of Laguna

# She is my Lily and my Rose. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Once again, good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

ALL: Good evening!

Oh, that's lovely.

Anticipatorily...

ALL: Oooh!

..establishing cosmopolitanism...

Iconic Iberian extravaganza...

Songs about Spain,

rousingly rendered by Mr Clifton Todd

plus the Players Theatre!

# List'n to me while I tell you

# Of the Spaniard that blighted my life

# La-la-la la-la la-la La-la-la la

# List'n to me while I tell you

# Of the man who pinched my future wife

# La-la-la la

# 'Twas at the bullfight that we met him

# We'd been watching his daring display

# And while we nipped out for some nuts and a programme

# The dirty dog stole her away

-# Oh, yes!

-Oh, yes!

-Oh, yes!

-Oh, yes!

# But tonight we will have our revenge

# When

# We catch Alphonso Spagoni the Toreador

# La-la-la la-la la-la La-la-la la

# With one mighty swipe we will dislocate his bally jaw

# La-la-la la-la la-la La-la-la

# We will find this bullfighter, we will

# And when we catch the bounder The blighter we'll kill

-# He shall die!

-He shall die!

-He shall die!

-He shall die!

# He shall die tiddly-i-ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-ti!

-# He shall die!

-He shall die!

-He shall die!

-He shall die!

# Oh, we'll raise a bunion on his Spanish onion

# If we catch him bending tonight Ole! #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# Tiddley-om pom! Tiddley-om pom! Tidley-om-pom-pom-pom-pay

# Oh, the folks they do go on so In the land of King Alfonso

# They're somewhat Of a rum lot

# Well, the best thing I can say

# Is pom-tiddley-om-pom-pom-pom-pom Tidley-om-pom-pom-pom-pay... #

# Let us ride, ride, ride to my castle in Spain

# Ride, ride, ride to my castle in Spain

# By my side, side, side You will always remain

# In my castle in sunny, sunny Spain Ole!

# In my castle in sunny, sunny Spain... #

# The dawn in the sky greets the day with a sigh

# In Granada

# For she can remember the splendour

# That once was Granada

# It still can be found in the hills all around

# As I wander along

# Entranced by the beauty before me

# Entranced by a land full of sunshine and flowers and song

# And when day is done and the sun starts to set

# In Granada

# La la-la-la la la-la-la la La-la-la la

# I envy the blush of the snow-clad Sierra Nevada

# La la-la-la la La-la-la la la-la-la la

# For soon it will welcome the stars while a thousand guitars

# Play a soft Habanera

# Then moonlit Granada will live again

# The glory of yesterday

# Romantic and gay

# Ole! #

Trans-Atlanticism!

Threnodic! From Threnody.

Salutatory ostentation!

American song and dance!

Welcome back to Mr Peter Gale!

# Down in Georgia there are peaches

# Waitin' for ya, yes, and each is

# Sweet as any peach

# That you could reach for on a tree

# Southern beauties, they are famous

# Georgia's where they grow

# My folks write me

# They invite me

# Don't you want to go?

# Oh, everything is peaches down in Georgia

# What a peach of a clime

# For a peach of a time

# Believe me

# Paradise is waiting down there for ya

# I've got a peach of a pa A peach of a ma

# Oh, what a peach of a couple they are

# Cousins, why, I have dozens

# And if you saw them

# I know you'd adore them

# I bet you'd pick yourself a peach of a wife

# Settle down to a peach of a life

# Everything is peaches down in Georgia

# All of Georgia's full of peaches

# They're all gorgeous Each one reaches

# Right into your heart

# And makes you part of Georgia too

# Clingstone peaches cling right to ya

# Peaches haunt your dream

# Think of getting, always getting

# Peaches in your cream

# I bet you'd pick yourself a peach of a wife

# Settle down to a peach of a life

# Everything is peaches down in Georgia

# I bet you'd pick yourself a peach of a wife

# Settle down to a peach of a life

# Everything is peaches

# Down in Georgia

# I said Georgia, I said Georgia

# G-E-O-R-G-I-A. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And now, from North Carolina,

effulgent in rosaceous efflorescence,

Miss Patsy Gilland!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# Close to the woods of Seville

# Lived my good friend...

INDISTINCT LYRICS

# Yet think of the monotony One needs a bit of company

# Yes, that's a real necessity

# And take my lover there with me

# My liberty

# A complication

# Last night - I better pack and go

# Now my poor heart aches once again

# My heart is free, free again

# Yes, I could have my pick of them

# But when I'm done I'm sick of them

# And now I know the...

# Who will love me

# I will love him

# He will have my heart

# It's for the taking

# You have a right to my time

# Think of it as your time away, sir

# For tonight with my liberty

# Close to the woods of Seville

# Lived my good friend...

INDISTINCT LYRICS

# Ah-la-la-la-la la la-la

# Ah-la-la-la-la la la-la la-la! #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Irving Berlin needs no introduction from me.

His music seems to tell it all.

In 1912, he fell madly in love with the daughter of another songwriter.

They married, but after their honeymoon in Cuba,

she fell ill and died.

It was this despair that brought about this glorious song -

When I Lost You.

# The roses, each one

# Met with the sun

# Sweetheart, when I met you

# The sunshine had fled

# The roses were dead

# Sweetheart, when I lost you

# I lost the sunshine and roses

# I lost the heavens of blue

# I lost the beautiful rainbow

# I lost the morning dew

# I lost the angel who gave me

# Summer the whole winter through

# I lost the gladness that turned into sadness

# When I lost you

# The birds ceased their song

# Right turned to wrong

# Sweetheart, when I lost you

# A day turned to years

# The world seemed in tears

# Sweetheart, when I lost you

# I lost the sunshine and roses

# I lost the heavens of blue

# I lost the beautiful rainbow

# I lost the morning dew

# I lost the angel who gave me

# Summer the whole winter through

# I lost the gladness that turned into sadness

# When I lost you. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Intercontinentally...

idolised intrepitidy

of equilibristic equipon!

Acrobats...

Les Renees!

Hilariously harmonious multiplicity...

Melodious vociferity...

Virtuosity...

The King's Singers!

# They didn't have no aeroplanes Didn't have no steam line trains

# But they had lonely country lanes When Pa was courting Ma

# Didn't have no ritzy bars Fancy drinks or caviars

# But they had the moon and stars When Pa was courting Ma

# Didn't have no commentators Or a news broadcast

# They'd listen on the party line And get the news darn near as fast

# Didn't have no 'lectric light Just by lamp they spoon all night

# But still, in all they did all right

# When Pa was courting Ma

# They had no opera at the Met

# Hadn't heard of ballet yet

# But oh, that barbershop quartet

-# Sweet Adeline

-Sweet Adeline

# They did have fun They never missed

# A single husking bee

# And get back home They'd steal a kiss

# And Pa'd say gosh and Ma'd say gee

# Most important thing somehow You'll admit them, they'll allow

# That love was love the same as now When Pa was courting Ma

# By heck, how they could neck

-# When Pa was courting Ma

-Ma

# My dear old mother. #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# Tom Pearce, Tom Pearce Lend I the grey mare

# Home along, down along Out along lea

# For us wants for to go over to Widecombe Fair

-# With Bill Brewer

-Jan Stewer

-# Peter Gurney

-Peter Davy

-Dan'l Whiddon

-Harry Hawke

# Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all

# Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all

# And when shall I see again the grey mare?

# Home along, down along Out along lea

# By Friday noon or Saturday soon

-# With Bill Brewer

-Jan Stewer

-# Peter Gurney

-Peter Davy

-Dan'l Whiddon

-Harry Hawke

# Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all

# Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all

# Then Friday came and Saturday noon

# Home along, down along Out along lea

# But Tom's old mare had not trotted home

-# With Bill Brewer

-Jan Stewer

-# Peter Gurney

-Peter Davy

-# Dan'l Whiddon

-Harry Hawke

# Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all

# Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all

# Then Tom Pearce he got up to the top of the hill

# Home along, down along Out along lea

# And he seed his old mare down a-making her will

-# Bill Brewer

-Jan Stewer

-# Peter Gurney

-Peter Davy

-Dan'l Whiddon

-Harry Hawke

# Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all

-# We're going to Widecombe

-Widecombe

-Widecombe

-Widecombe...

# So Tom Pearce's old mare Took sick and her died

# Home along, down along Out along lea

# And Tom he sat down on a stone and he cried

-# With Bill Brewer

-Jan Stewer

-# Peter Gurney

-Peter Davy

-# Dan'l Whiddon

-Harry Hawke

-# Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all

-Tom Cobley and all

-# Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all

-Tom Cobley and all

# When the wind whistles cold on the moor of the night

# Home along, down along Out along lea

# Tom Pearce's old mare doth appear ghastly white

# With Bill Brewer, Jan Stewer

# Peter Gurney, Peter Davy

# Dan'l Whiddon, Harry Hawke

-# Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all

-Uncle Tom Cobley

# Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all

# And all the long night be heard skirling and groans

-# Home along

-Down along, out along lea

# From Tom Pearce's old mare and her rattling old bones

-# With Bill Brewer

-Jan Stewer

-# Peter Gurney

-Peter Davy

-Dan'l Whiddon

# Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all

# Old Uncle Tom Cobley and...

# Harry Hawke

# Old Uncle Tom Cobley and...

# Harry Hawke

# Old Uncle Tom Cobley and...

# Harry Hawke

# Old Uncle Tom Cobley and all That's all! #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Loquacious lugubriousness in extremis!

The one and only Mr Les Dawson.

Thank you for your approbation.

You have excellent taste.

Firstly, I must apologise about my appearance.

Owing to a slight financial hiatus,

I could not afford a ticket to travel here tonight

by steam locomotion.

-I had to walk it. ALL:

-Awww.

A journey, my friends, best described

as a stroll round the very perimeter of Hades itself.

Fingers of cold mountain mist

curled in treachery around my stout gaiters...

..as I toiled heavily across the bleak plateau

of the mountain range.

A sullen, biting wind blew the snow flurries

into a maddened fandango of white-flaked fury.

From behind...

an outcrop of age-pitted stones loomed an ill-painted door.

Crying "Sanctuary!" through cracked lips,

I lurched forward and banged painfully on the door.

The door opened to reveal

the most enchanting little girl that I've ever seen.

-ALL:

-Aww.

"My child," I croaked...

"..may I speak to your father?"

The winsome gamine gazed at me and said,

"Daddy isn't 'ere."

"Then, child," I explained,

"may I have words with your dear mother?"

A troubled look came across her features. Her bottom lip trembled.

A fleeting shadow of sadness crossed her features.

She said, "Mummy isn't here either."

-ALL:

-Awww.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I too could not believe it.

I railed inwardly at the perfidy of parents

who could abandon such a delightful waif.

Leave this child alone in such a small, cramped, gloomy house

in the teeth of a ferocious storm, in this mist of desolation.

JEERING

I could contain myself no longer.

Sinking to my knees, I grasped the child to my snow-powdered cape.

I said, "Fear not, my child!

"Elfin creature of pure delight."

"Fear not, for you are no longer alone."

And she grabbed her rag dolly very close to her little pinafore

and she said, "It's not the house, it's the lavatory."

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the works of this tragic actor,

I should like to introduce myself - the name is Les Dawson.

It's not my real name, it's a stage name.

I was actually christened Friday Dawson.

Because when Father saw me for the first time, he turned to Mother

and said, "I think we'd better call it a day."

APPLAUSE

I've made such an impact on my parents' lives.

Before I was born, Father had a nasty habit

of running off and leaving Mother for months on end.

When I came on the scene they gazed at me in the crib,

held hands, and ran off together.

Such...

Such was the pattern of my earlier years.

I seldom speak of my childhood, unless someone's buying the drinks.

It was not a happy time.

SINGLE VIOLIN PLAYS

-ALL:

-Aww.

Is that a violin?

No, it isn't!

It's the frustrated wail of a doctored tom.

Yes...

You think you've known tragedy?!

For a start, I wasn't expected.

Mother was firmly convinced she was going into hospital

to have a boil lanced.

Looking back in retrospective thought,

I must have looked a mess, because the first job my father did

when they brought me home was to put shutters on my pram.

He made no secret of the fact he didn't like me.

He used to play some rotten tricks on me.

-ALL:

-Aww.

-Yes!

Like telling me for years the gas meter was a piggy bank.

Mummy was short-sighted.

And she would persist in putting talcum powder on my face.

Between you and I, I've often shuddered to think

what she did with my dummy.

It wasn't easy for my parents. We were a big family.

Lot of children. In fact, there were so many wet nappies in the kitchen

there was a rainbow in the lobby.

But there is to posterity

one thing left, which will never die.

And that was the fact that Father was a wonderful mountaineer.

Famous for once having been trapped

23,000 feet up the side of Mount Everest, on a two-inch ledge,

carrying his lame mule to safety...

LAUGHTER

..on the back of a plasterer's hod.

Face it, dear friends, you and I would have panicked!

He didn't. He fell off.

APPLAUSE

Some people appreciate my work.

This letter arrived in the dressing room not so long ago,

tied with pink ribbon to a coping stone.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Heh-heh!

Ho-ho-ho!

Little Bo Peep has lost her sheep and doesn't know where to find them.

What piffle!

Because you know why she couldn't find them?

She was in the meadow with Simple Simon.

And he wasn't so simple!

He was having it off!

What the world needs now is love, love, love.

I must stop this.

Every time I put these glasses on, a hideous doppelganger takes over.

This is the letter.

It's very emotive - it will move you to tears.

It reads very simply, "Dear Mr Dawson."

Look at the way she's spelled "dear" - D-E-A-R.

"You have done more for me than any specialist could ever hope to do.

"For years I have suffered from acute insomnia.

"My nights abed were a restless misery.

"Sleep, the soothing balm, eluded me.

"I've had treatment all over the world - in Europe,

"Zurich, Rhyl...

"..to no avail.

"But you, dear Mr Dawson, you have cured me.

"I saw you on The Good Old Days and I couldn't keep my eyes open."

Goodnight!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Germany! Unparalleled apotheosis

of plethoric, proliferative profusion.

Lots and lots.

Dinardi!

APPLAUSE

MUSIC PLAYS

MUSIC: Tulips from Amsterdam

APPLAUSE

There's just time to ask Mr Les Dawson

to lead the company and yourselves in the last chorus for tonight -

Down At The Old Bull and Bush.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Les Dawson and the entire company,

Mr Bernard Herrmann and the entire and undaunted orchestra...

CHEERING

And this time, treat me yourself!

# Come, come Come and make eyes at me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush Da-da-da-da-da

# Come, come Drink some port wine with me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Hear the little German band Da-da-da-da-da-da

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

# Do, do Come and have a drink or two

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush Bush Bush! #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING