21/02/1978 The Good Old Days

# Oh, where did you get that hat?

# Where did you get that tile?

# Isn't it a nobby one and just the proper style?

# I should like to have one just the same as that

# Where'er I go they shout, "Hello! Where did you get that hat?"

# Oh...

-FASTER:

-# Where did you get that hat?

# Where did you get that hat?

# Isn't it a nobby one and just the proper style?

# I should like to have one just the same as that

# Where'er I go they shout, "Hello! Where did you get that hat?" #

CHEERING

APPLAUSE

FANFARE

CHEERING

CHEERING

Once again...

good evening, ladies and gentlemen!

-AUDIENCE:

-Good evening!

Preambulatorily...

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

..periphrastic...

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

..propitiatory...

..lustrous in locomotivation...

CHEERING

..the Players' Theatre!

CHEERING

# Oh, Mr Porter, what shall I do?

# I wanted to go to Birmingham and they're taking me on to Crewe

# Send me back to London as quickly as you can

# Oh! Mr Porter, what a silly girl I am

# Take me back to London as quickly as you can

# Oh! Mr Porter, what a silly girl I am... #

# Watching the trains come in

# Watching the trains come in

# We sit and stroke each other's hand

# As only lovers understand

# Watching the trains come in

# Hearing the porter shout

# When we have watched all the trains come in

# We watch all the trains go out... #

# Daddy's on the engine

# Don't be afraid

# Daddy knows what he is doing

# Said the little maid

# We'll soon be out of danger

# Don't you ever fear

# Everyone is safe

# Because my daddy's the engineer

# Everyone is safe

# Because her daddy's the engineer... #

# I arrived at Euston by the midnight train

# But when I got to the wicket there

# Someone wanted to punch my ticket

# Guards and porters came round me by the score

# And I told them all I'd never had my ticket punched before

# They arrived at Euston by the midnight train

# But when they got to the wicket there

# Someone wanted to punch their ticket

# Guards and porters came round us by the score

# And we told them all we'd never had our ticket punched before... #

WHISTLE BLOWS

# When the midnight choo-choo leaves for Alabam'

# I'll be right there

# I've got my fare

# When I see that rusty-haired conductor man

# I'll grab him by the collar and I'll holler

# Alabam'! Alabam'!

# That's where you stop that train

# That takes me back again

# Down home where I'll remain

# Where my honey-lamb am

# I will be right there with bells

# When that old conductor yells

# All aboard! All aboard!

# All aboard for Alabam'

# All aboard! All aboard!

# All aboard for Alabam'. #

CHEERING

Provocative purveyor...

of piquantly percussive...

improprieties.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Saucy songs.

Mr Alan Randall!

CHEERING

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

# Now, in our family we've got an heirloom

# They handed it to me a year ago

# It's been in our possession since Grandad was a lad

# I'll tell you what it is and then you'll know

# It's me grandad's flannelette nightshirt

# In it I was christened one day

# At the church they were in the well

# No-one seemed to know if I were boy or girl

# Now they'd had a drop to drink and they were in a mess

# It's all right, said the preacher rather curt

# I've been and had a quiz and I've found out what it is

# By his grandad's flannelette shirt

# Lordy, Lordy

# Grandad's flannelette shirt... #

Here we go.

SOLO CONTINUES

# Now, in 1810 me grandad joined the Navy

# To fight Napoleon across the sea

# You've heard about the battle they had at Waterloo

# But what was it that gave us victory?

# Why, me grandad's flannelette nightshirt

# It saved old England that day

# Bonaparte said he was all done

# And even Josephine had got her gas mask on

# They shot down our colours and they captured our flag

# But we were not downhearted - it's a cert

# Cos flying in the gale everyone could see the tail

# Of me grandad's flannelette shirt

# Lordy, Lordy

# It's Grandad's flannelette shirt. #

-That's it.

-CHEERING

Thank you very much. Thank you.

Oh!

-Thank you.

-HE LAUGHS

# Now, I go cleanin' windows to earn an honest bob

# For a nosy parker it's an interestin' job

# Now, it's a job that just suits me

# A window cleaner you would be

# If you can see what I can see

# When I'm cleanin' windows

# In my profession I work hard

# But I'll never stop

# I'll climb that blinkin' ladder

# Till I get right to the top

# The blushin' bride, she looks divine

# The bridegroom, he is doin' fine

# I'd rather have his job than mine

# When I'm cleanin' windows... #

All right, come on, you know this one.

# I'm leaning on a lamppost at the corner of the street

# In case a certain little lady comes by... #

Let's hear you sing.

-# Oh, me

-Oh, my

-# Oh, my

-Oh, blimey!

# I hope the little lady comes by

# I don't know if she'll get away

# She doesn't always get away

# But anyhow I know she'll try

-# Oh, me

-Oh, my

-# Oh, my... #

-That's it.

# I hope the little lady comes by

# There's no other girl I would wait for

# But this one I'd break any date for

# I won't have to ask what she's late for... #

Your turn.

# She wouldn't leave me flat She's not a girl like that... #

I bet she is!

# Oh, she's absolutely wonderful

# And marvellous and beautiful

# Anyone can understand why

# And I'll be leaning on a lamp-post

# At the corner of the street

# In case a certain little lady comes by... #

It's turned out nice again.

# But I hope the little lady comes by. #

That's it.

CHEERING

Mischievous meanderings...

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

..in mercurial mountebankery...

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

..all the way from Yorkshire.

CHEERING

Mr Duggie Brown!

CHEERING

JAUNTY TUNE PLAYS

Good evening, sir, how are you?

Oh, lovely. Thank you very much.

What a marvellous... I thought it was somebody else coming on, then.

That was beautiful, that. Everyone enjoying themselves?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

Good, we'll soon put a stop to that.

You all seem a nice crowd. You meet funny people, don't you?

-Not too many, otherwise...

-LAUGHTER

Not too many, otherwise we'd be out of a job.

There was these two Irish lads, they'd been to this dance.

They tried to go home from Leeds to Harrogate.

Anybody in from Leeds or Harrogate? Good.

-SCATTERED CHEERING

-Oh! Shame.

And they missed the last bus.

What silly Irishmen they were.

So they decided to walk home.

One says, "Pat, I can't walk home."

He said, "Why?" He said, "I've got me new shoes on, they hurt."

And they went past the bus station.

One says, "Pat, do you know what?

"Those doors are open.

"Why don't I nip inside and steal a bus?"

He said, "You can do that, I'll keep watch."

So he went inside, he heard the engine revving.

HE IMITATES ENGINE

-Bang, crash.

-HE IMITATES ENGINE

24 minutes later, he came out. 24 minutes.

He said, "Where have you been?"

He said, "Well, they've gone and the bus for Harrogate right at the back of them all."

APPLAUSE

He said...

AUDIENCE JEERS

No!

I haven't finished yet.

He said, "Well, there's one for Knaresborough at the front -

"we could have walked the other four miles."

LAUGHTER

Now you applaud!

I like those silly ones.

Chap walks in the chemist.

He said, "'Scuse me, sir, I've lost me voice."

He said, "Could you make me something up, please?"

Chap said, "Of course I will.

He said, "You know Frank Sinatra was in here today?" He said, "No."

He said, "I just made it up."

I tell you what I'll do - cos you've been very kind to me,

I shall sing for you.

AUDIENCE JEERS

Aw, we'll have a bash anyway. Maestro?

PIANO TINKLES

# You say that you

# Must leave me

# That you and I must part

# Why must you always grieve me?

# Why must you break my heart?

# Why did you make me care?

# Why bring me dreams so rare?

# You told me that sweethearts

# Should never part

# Why did you leave me

# And break my heart?

# Why can't we meet once more?

# Why can't we love as before?

# This world seemed so rosy

# And life so fair

# Why did you make me care...? #

The middle bit is, "Why can't we meet once more?"

# Why can't we meet once more...? #

Why can't we love as before?

# Why can't we love as before...? #

This world seemed so rosy.

# This world seemed so rosy

# And life so fair

# Why did you make

# Me care? #

Thank you.

JAUNTY TUNE PLAYS

The acme and the apogee

of cultural gentility...

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh!

..contrapuntally commingling

Dr Evadne Hinge

and Dame Hilda Bracket.

CHEERING

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

-Thank you very much.

-Thank you.

Thank you very much indeed. Very nice.

HILDA CHUCKLES, AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-Oh, splendid, isn't it?

-Yes, yes, yes.

You tell them...

Well, we're going to start off this evening, ladies and gentlemen,

with a piece from one of the Gilbert and Sullivan operas, Patience.

This, of course, as some of you may know,

is one of the most popular and best-loved works

in the entire Gilbert and Sullivan canon.

Well, of course, it's one of my best-loved ones, too, you know.

-Remember that.

-Yes, I know that, dear.

Yes, well, I was telling you, in case you'd forgotten.

I hadn't forgotten. No, no.

SHE PLAYS Still Brooding On Their Mad Infatuation

# Still brooding on their mad infatuation!

# I thank thee, love

# Thou comest not to me

# Far happier I, free from thy ministrations

# Than dukes or duchesses who love can be

# 'Tis Patience

# Happy girl!

# Loved by a poet!

# Your pardon, ladies

# I intrude upon you!

# Nay, pretty child, come hither

# Is it true that you have never loved?

# Most true indeed

# Most marvellous!

BOTH, LOW-PITCHED: # And most deplorable!

# I cannot tell what this love may be

# That cometh to all yet not to me

# It cannot be wise as they'd imply

# Then why do these ladies sigh?

# It cannot be joy and rapture deep

# Then why do these gentle maidens weep?

# It cannot be blissful as 'tis said

# Or why are their eyes so wondrous red?

# For everywhere true love I see

# A-coming to all, yet not to me

# I cannot tell what this love may be

# For I am blithe and I am gay

# While they sit sighing night and day

-# For she is blithe and she is gay

-Think of the gulf

-# Twixt them and me

-She is blithe

# Think of the gulf twixt them and me

-# She is gay

-Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la

# Giddily gay

# Oh...!

# Fa-la-la-la-la-la-la

BOTH: # And Miserie! #

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

Thank you, thank you.

No, thank you - thank you, dear.

Yes...well, now...

We would like to sing for you, as our little bowing-out piece,

a lovely old song entitled Love's Old Sweet Song.

And in this, we would like to, if we may,

ask the gentlemen of the orchestra to join us.

You can stay down there, but we'd like you to...

Yes, if you would.

Is that all right?

Mr Bolt. Isn't he nice?

Well, I'm sorry I should say Sir Adrian...

Mr Herrmann, dear. Mr Herrmann - Herrmann.

Oh, Sir Herrmann Bolt? Oh!

Yes, sorry - Adrian's brother, right. Yes...

SHE PLAYS Love's Old Sweet Song by James Molloy

# Even today

# We hear love's song of yore

# Close in our hearts

# It stays for evermore

# Footsteps may falter

# Weary grow the way

# Still we can hear it

# At the close of day

# And at the end

# When life's grim shadows fall

# Still will be heard

# The sweetest song of all

# Just a song at twilight

# When the lights are low

# And the flick'ring shadows

# Softly come and go

# Though your heart be weary

# Sad the day and long

# Still to us at twilight

# Comes love's old song

# Comes love's old sweet song

-AUDIENCE:

-# Just a song a twilight

# When the lights are low

# And the flick'ring shadows

# Softly come and go

# Though your heart be weary

# Sad the day and long

# Still to us at twilight

# Comes love's old song

# Comes love's old sweet

# Song! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I have to tell you that those two gracious ladies

were Mr Patrick Fyffe and Mr George Logan.

Nipponese nimbleness

encapsulating terpsichorean corporeal pliability.

Adagio acrobats, all the way from Japan,

the Missiles!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE

Amatory impetus implements mellifluousness...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

..from the deliquescently delicious Miss Rita Morris!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Kiss In The Dark by Victor Herbert and Buddy de Sylva

# Oh, that kiss in the dark

# But it kindled the spark

# My awakening of love's young dream

# I recall the mad delight

# Of a lovely dance

# Then strolling through the night

# Trembling with romance

# There he told me of my charms

# How could I resist?

# Suddenly within his arms

# I was held and kissed

# Oh, that kiss in the dark

# Was, to him, but a lark

# But to me, 'twas a thrill supreme

# Just a kiss in the dark

# But it kindled a spark

# My awakening of love's young...

# Dream. #

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Bill by Oscar Hammerstein II and PG Wodehouse

# I used to dream that I would discover

# The perfect lover one day

# I knew I'd recognise him

# If ever he came round my way

# I always used to fancy then

# He'd be one of the god-like kind of men

# With a giant brain and a noble head... #

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

# Like the heroes bold

# In those books we've read

# But along came Bill

# Who's not the type at all

# You'll meet him on the street and never notice him

# His form and face

# His manly grace

# They're not the kind you would find in a statue

# And I can't explain

# It's surely not his brain

# That makes me thrill

# I love him because he's wonderful

# Because he's just my Bill. #

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: When I Grow Too Old To Dream by Oscar Hammerstein II

# When I grow too old to dream

# I'll have you to remember

# When I grow too old to dream

# Your love will live in my heart

# So, kiss me, my sweet

# And so let us part

# And when I grow too old to dream

# That kiss will live in my heart

# When I grow too old to dream

# I'll have you to remember

# When I grow too old to dream

# Your love will live in my heart

# So kiss me, my sweet

# And so let us part

# And when I grow too old to dream

# That kiss will live in my...

# Heart. #

APPLAUSE

Multi-potent munificence

of apocalyptic...

It's from the Bible.

LAUGHTER

..thespian metamorphoses.

The one and only Mr Ron Moody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Roll up, roll up, roll up, ladies and gentlemen,

for the 200th edition of The Good Old Days.

I have made theatrical history from Waikiki to Wigan.

I have seen them come and I have seen them go.

And I'll tell you something else - you ain't seen nothin' yet.

Cos...

# I'm the showman

# The man who takes the risks

# Yes, I'm the showman

# The man who lightly whisks the grand souffle of entertaining you

# There's no delay when I'm explaining who

# Will top the bill this week

# Will reach the popular peak

# Will make the audiences clamour

# I've got the magic touch and it's amazing how much

# I give this grim old business glamour... #

Showmanship - how did it all begin?

The great god Pan played on his pipes

And the first man looked and laughed

Then Thespis spoke a word or two

And the actor learned his craft

Next, Sophocles and Euripides

Were all the rage in Greece

Then Nero struck a blow for Rome

And fiddled a caprice

Was he a master?

He was disaster!

VIOLIN SCREECHES AND SCRAPES

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

GROANING CONTINUES

-COD ITALIAN ACCENT:

-Stop-a the music! Stop-a the music.

The band's a-playing in the wrong key.

Where's everybody going? Avanti subito.

I'm the Emperor Nero Rome.

Why can't I hold an audience

if Samson, he can bring the house down?

Samson, he was a big man, Samson. A big man.

He walk down under the house, he push the column.

-COLUMN RATTLES AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

You insured?

Came Passion plays and mysteries and pageants by the score

And the Commedia dell'Arte set the audience a-roar

But the greatest of them all is me

I'm a talent that is rare

For behind this veil of mystery

I'm the one that always dared to go one better

I'm a go-getter

Ladies and gentlemen, Richard Burbidge presents,

for the first time at The Globe Theatre,

a promising young playwright, William Shakespeare.

His real name is Bacon, but he had to change it,

cos he couldn't get a Jewish audience.

So here he is, ladies and gentlemen,

Mr Burbidge himself in the part of the man you love to hate - Shylock.

HISSING

BOOING

Where is Signor Antonio?

I'm looking for Sign...

I'll have another one, if you don't mind.

Signor Antonio? Where are you, Signor Antonio?

I know you're here, see. Ah...

-AUDIENCE:

-Aw...!

Signor Antonio!

HE LAUGHS DRAMATICALLY

Many a time and oft in the Rialto

You have rated me above my monies and my usances

You call me misbeliever, cut-throat dog and spit...

LAUGHTER

You call me misbeliever, cut-throat dog

And spit upon my Jewish gabardine

And all for use of that which is mine own.

Well, then, it now appears

You come to me and you say, "Shylock, we would have moneys."

You say so! You, that did void your rheum upon my beard

And foot me as you spurn a stranger cur over your threshold!

Moneys is your suit. What should I say to you?

Should I not say, "Hath a dog money?

"Is it possible a cur can lend three thousand ducats?"

Or shall I bend low and in a bondman's key

With bated breath and whispering humbleness say this...

LAUGHTER

Get me another Signor Antonio.

# For I'm the showman

# The man who has the flair

# The master showman

# Who'll conjure from the air

# A world of charming and alarming things

# No need to worry what tomorrow brings

# I'll give them all to you

# Make your wishes come true

# And I will guarantee that no man

# Will take one jar away

# The only price that you pay

# Is your allegiance to the showman

# Come on, do not refuse

# Roll up and pay your dues

# To this amazing devil - that's me!

# That's me, that's me That's me, my friend

# The showman. #

APPLAUSE

Impeccability immaculate in tribute to Mr Jack Buchanan

from the Players' Theatre and Mr Peter Gale!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

# Who stole my heart away?

# Who makes me dream all day?

# Dreams I know can never be true

# Seems as though I'll ever be blue

# Who means my happiness?

# Who would I answer yes to?

# Well, you oughta guess

# Who? Who?

# No-one but you!

# Who? Who?

# No-one but... #

# You fall in love with a modern Galahad

# Deep in his heart he'll install you

# But I am only a simple sort of lad

# I had no pet names to call you

# But I've now I've bought a thesaurus

# And there I've found a few

# I'll sing a little chorus

# Of pet names meant for you

# You darling, you ducky

# You sweet so-and-so!

# You sweet thing, you neat thing

# You set me aglow!

# My fond one, my blonde one

# Take care what you're at

# You're making my heart pitter-pat

# I've lots of other names for your attention

# Plus one or two I dare not even mention

# My Venus, my goddess

# Let me be your beau

# And you'll be my sweet so-and-so

# I've lots of other names for your attention

# Plus one or two I dare not even mention

# Tallulah, alleluia

# Let me be your beau

# And you'll be my sweet so-and-so. #

APPLAUSE

# My car will meet her

# And her mother comes too

# It's a two-seater

# Still her mother comes too

# And when she's visiting me

# At dinner, supper or tea

# She loves to sit on my knee

# And her mother does too

# We buy her trousseau

# And her mother comes too

# Asked not to do so

# Still her mother comes too

# She simply can't take a snub

# I go and sulk at the club

# Then have a bath and a rub

# And her brother comes too! #

# Stand up and sing

# Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da-da

# Just stand up and sing

# When things are bad

# Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da-da

# Sing this and grow glad

# If you would see your troubles burst in bubbles

# Try to learn this song

# For while you stand up and sing

# Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da-da

# You'll never go wrong

# For if you stand up and sing

# Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da-da

# You'll never go...

# You'll never go

# You'll never go wrong

# For if you see your troubles burst in bubbles

# Try to learn this song

# This song

# For if you stand up and sing

# Da-da, da-da, da-da, da-da-da

# You'll never go You'll never go

# You'll never go wrong

# Go wrong

# Go wrong. #

APPLAUSE

# Goodnight, Vienna

# You city of a million melodies

# Our hearts are thrilling to the strains that you play

# From dawn till the daylight dies

# Goodnight, Vienna

# Now lovers kiss beneath your linden trees

# The world is waiting on the edge of the day

# Just waiting to say

# Goodnight. #

APPLAUSE

And now, there's just time to ask

Mr Ron Moody to lead the company and yourselves

in the last chorus for tonight, Down At The Old Bull And Bush.

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Ron Moody, the entire company,

Mr Bernard Herrmann and the entire and never-defeated orchestra.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE It is time to play yourselves.

# Come, come Come and make eyes at me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush La-la-la-la-la

# Come, come Drink some port wine with me

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Hear the little German band La-la-la-la-la-la-la

# Just let me hold your hand, dear

# Do, do come and have a drink or two

# Down at the Old Bull and Bush

# Bush-Bush. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE