Monsters vs Aliens


Monsters vs Aliens

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SPACE AGE MUSIC PLAYS

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ON RADIO: # You'd better pray to the Lord

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# When you see those flying saucers

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# It may be the coming of the Judgment Day... #

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ALARM BLARES

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Hey, Jerry. You might want to check this one out.

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Palomar just picked it up. Looks like some type of UFO.

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It's heading this way.

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How many times do I have to tell you this?

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UFOs don't exist. We're never going to see...

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Wow. Its energy signature is massive.

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Holy Cheesits. What do we do? No-one ever told us what to do.

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The only reason I took this job is cos you never do anything!

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Jerry, stop it. We calculate its impact point.

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Looks like...

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Modesto, California.

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Supernova, this is Red Dwarf. We actually have one.

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Code Nimoy. I repeat, Code Nimoy.

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DEEP WHEEZING AND SLURPING

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DOOR CREAKS

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SHE SCREAMS

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ALL SCREAM

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SHE WHEEZES

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SHE SLURPS

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What are you guys doing here? It's five in the morning.

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Hurry, turn on the TV. Turn it on now!

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'And some early-morning fog giving way to sunny skies.

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'75 degrees, a perfect day to stop by the old folk art and craft show

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'down at the fairgrounds.

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'Or a perfect day to marry Susan Murphy.

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'(I love you, baby.)'

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-I love you, too. ALL:

-Aww.

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'Aww.'

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'And good morning, Modesto.'

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'Channel 172.'

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# I know something about love

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# You've got to want it bad

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# If that guy's got into your blood... #

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You look gorgeous, sweetheart.

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Thanks, Mom.

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Ah, my little girl.

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Daddy!

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Now, I want you to know that even though I'm about to give you away,

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I will always be here to take care of you.

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Don't cry, because then you're going to make me cry.

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That's just going to be a mess.

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-HE SOBS

-I can't help it.

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Hello, everyone. Attention, attention.

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Wedding starts in 30 minutes.

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My beautiful daughter-in-law.

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-Hi, Mama Dietl.

-It's like a fairy-tale.

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The weatherman and the weatherman's wife.

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Romantic.

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Oh, I know.

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Just think - this time tomorrow, I'm going to be in Paris.

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And someday we won't just be honeymooning there.

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Derek will become an anchor or a foreign correspondent

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and we'll travel all over the world.

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Oh, honey, my fingers are crossed.

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One thumb is shorter than the other. It runs in the family.

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Derek doesn't have that.

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It skips a generation. Your kids are going to have it.

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SHE SIGHS

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BIRDS TWITTER

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Wow, you look beautiful.

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So do you. I mean, handsome.

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I mean... Sorry, I'm just a little frazzled.

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I just spent way too much time with our parents.

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Don't worry, OK? We'll be alone soon.

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Just us.

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Mmm. Eating cheese and baguettes by the Seine.

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Feeding each other chocolate crepes.

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SHE SIGHS

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-Um...

-Is something wrong?

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No, no, it's just that, well...

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there's been a slight change of plans.

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We're not going to Paris.

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What? Why not?

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We're going somewhere better.

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-Better than Paris?

-Oh, yeah.

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Where? Tahiti?

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Nope. Fresno.

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Fresno!

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Fresno.

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In what universe is Fresno better than Paris, Derek?

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In the "I've got an audition

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"to become Channel 23's new evening anchor" universe.

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I got the call from the general manager.

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He wants me to come in immediately. Isn't that great?

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Derek, that's...amazing.

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It's amazing.

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Fresno's like a top 50 market, isn't it?

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Actually, it's 55th. But we're on our way, babe.

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-HE SIGHS

-Now, look, about Paris.

-It's OK.

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It's fine.

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As long as we're together, Fresno is the most romantic city

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in the whole world.

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I'm so proud of you.

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Of us. Not just of me.

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I mean, of course, but we're a team now.

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You're so proud of us.

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Now, get out of here. It's bad luck to see me in my dress.

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Come on, you know I don't believe in that stuff.

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I'll be waiting for you at the altar.

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The handsome news anchor in the tux, all right?

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-Love ya! There, I said it.

-HE LAUGHS

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I love you, too.

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THUNDER-LIKE RUMBLE, SHE GASPS

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SHE GASPS

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Susan!

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Where could she be? Susan!

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Where are you?

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SHE MOANS

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Susan, where have you been?

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I think I just got hit by a meteorite.

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-SHE SIGHS

-Oh, Susan.

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Every bride feels that way on her wedding day.

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My goodness, look at you. You're filthy.

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Thank God I have Wet Ones.

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SHE PLAYS "BRIDAL CHORUS"

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Wow.

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You're glowing.

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-Thank you.

-No, Susan.

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You're, like, really glowing.

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You're green.

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SHE GASPS

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Oh, no.

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SHE GROANS

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Derek!

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Oh, my gosh.

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What's going on?

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-What's happening here?

-You're all shrinking!

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Uh-uh. You're growing.

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-Well, make it stop.

-Get me the Government.

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This is impossible.

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No. This can't be happening.

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SHE SCREAMS

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Wait, everybody, it's OK.

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Have some champagne while we're figuring this out.

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Thumbs, thumbs!

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SCREAMING

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Derek. Help me.

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SHE GROANS

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Sweet Lord.

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Here comes the bride!

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Oh, Carl, it's her wedding day.

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-Derek. Derek!

-All non-military personnel...

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Don't hurt Derek.

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Susan.

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Thank goodness you're OK. What's happening to me?

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Don't panic, don't worry. Whatever you do, don't drop...

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HE YELLS Derek!

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Sorry, sir.

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Who are you people? What are you doing?

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Stop it! Be careful.

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Get your hands off me. Don't you know who I am?

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Please, just leave me alone.

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SHE SCREAMS

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HE YELLS

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MEN SHOUT

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She's coming down!

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Watch out!

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Move it, move it. Let's go. Move it, move it.

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Derek.

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'All teams are Oscar Mike. Let's get this baby on the bus.'

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ALARM RINGS

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Honey, could you hit the snooze?

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Baby, why did you set the alarm?

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We're on our honeymoon.

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SHE GRUNTS

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ALARM DRONES Hello?

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What's going on?

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CLANKING

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SHE CRIES OUT

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SHE SHRIEKS

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ALARM STOPS

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CLANKING

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SHE HYPERVENTILATES

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Hello?

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SHE GASPS

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Is it just legs? Did we capture a giant pair of legs?

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Silence, BOB. She'll hear us.

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How? Legs don't have ears?

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Just shush.

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Hello?

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Is there someone there?

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Could you please tell me where I am?

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HISSING

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SHE GASPS Hello?

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(What was that?)

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Hello.

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Ewww!

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Will you stop...? Careful!

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Please, madam.

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Stop...doing...that.

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Ow!

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Whatever mad scientist made you,

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he really went all out.

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You can talk...

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Hi there.

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Eurgh!

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Argh! My back.

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Just kidding. I don't have a back.

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Forgive him, but as you can see, he has no brain.

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Turns out you don't need one.

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Totally overrated. As a matter of fact,

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-I don't even...

-HE GASPS

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I forgot how to breathe. Don't know how to breathe.

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Help me, Dr Cockroach. Help!

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-Help!

-Suck in, BOB.

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BOB INHALES

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Thanks, Doc.

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You're a life-saver.

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-SHE GASPS

-Wow, look at you.

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I know what you're thinking. First day in prison,

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you want to take down the toughest guy in the yard.

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I'd like to see you try.

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Huh! Ha! He! Yah!

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Ninja!

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He! Ha! Yah!

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-CRACK!

-Ow!

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Gosh!

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Look, she's speechless.

0:14:040:14:06

-She?

-Yes, BOB.

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We are in the presence of the rare female monster.

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No way. It's a boy. Look at his boobies.

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We need to have a talk.

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Gentlemen, I'm afraid we are not making a very good first impression.

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At least I'm talking.

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First new monster in years, we couldn't get a wolfman or a mummy?

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You know, somebody to play cards with.

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Might we ask your name, madam?

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Susan.

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No, we mean, like, your monster name.

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What do people scream when they see you coming?

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You know, like, "Look out! Here comes..."

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Susan.

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-Really?

-Su-u-u-usan.

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Ooh, I just scared myself. That is scary.

0:14:480:14:50

-ALARM BLARES

-Yes! Eat time.

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That is repulsive.

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Ooh, an old slipper.

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Oh, please, God. Please tell me this isn't real.

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Please tell me I had a nervous breakdown at the wedding

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and now I'm in a mental hospital

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on medication that gives me hallucinations.

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GROWLING

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ROARING

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SHE SCREAMS

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Don't scare Insectosaurus.

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He's going to pee himself. Then we'll all be in trouble.

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Every room has a door. Where's the door?

0:15:340:15:37

It's OK, buddy. Don't worry about it.

0:15:370:15:40

Who's a handsome bug, huh?

0:15:400:15:42

You like it when I rub your tummy?

0:15:420:15:45

Please, somebody!

0:15:450:15:47

I don't belong here!

0:15:470:15:49

-Let me out!

-Hey, hey. That is not a good idea.

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Let me out!

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Monsters, get back in your cells.

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Oh, thank goodness. A real person.

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You are a real person, right?

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You're not one of those half-person, half-machine, you know,

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-whatever you call those things.

-A cyborg?

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Oh, no! You're a cyborg!

0:16:390:16:41

Madam, I assure you I am not a cyborg.

0:16:410:16:44

The name is General WR Monger.

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I'm in charge of this facility.

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Now, follow me. It is time for your orientation.

0:16:480:16:51

In 1950, it was decided that Jane and Joe Public

0:17:010:17:04

could not handle the truth about monsters

0:17:040:17:06

and should focus on more important things like paying taxes.

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So, the government convinced the world

0:17:090:17:12

monsters were stuff of myth and legend,

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then locked them away in this here facility.

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SHE GASPS

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But I'm not a monster. I'm just a regular person.

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I'm not a danger to anyone or anything.

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SHRIEKING

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Don't let her get me.

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Sorry.

0:17:290:17:31

MOOING

0:17:360:17:38

-How long will I be here?

-Indefinitely.

0:17:380:17:40

-Can I contact my parents?

-No.

-Derek?

-Negative.

0:17:400:17:43

-Do they know where I am?

-No, and they never will.

0:17:430:17:47

This place is an X-File wrapped in a cover-up

0:17:470:17:49

and deep-fried in a paranoid conspiracy.

0:17:490:17:52

There will be zero contact with the outside world.

0:17:520:17:55

LOW GROWLING

0:18:080:18:09

Seven, eight...

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999,

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1,000.

0:18:270:18:28

I can't believe I did ten sets.

0:18:280:18:30

HE LAUGHS

0:18:380:18:40

Ah, Susan.

0:18:400:18:41

You wouldn't happen to have any uranium on you?

0:18:410:18:44

Just need a smidge.

0:18:440:18:45

Rescind Doc Cockroach's toy box privileges immediately.

0:18:450:18:49

We had the prison psychologist redecorate your cell.

0:18:490:18:53

Try to keep y'all calm like.

0:18:530:18:56

But I don't want a poster.

0:18:560:18:57

I want a real kitten hanging from a real tree.

0:18:570:19:01

I want to go home.

0:19:030:19:04

Come on, little Debbie, please don't cry.

0:19:040:19:06

It makes my knees hurt. Don't think of this as a prison.

0:19:060:19:10

Think of it as a hotel you never leave

0:19:100:19:12

because it's locked from the outside.

0:19:120:19:14

Oh, and one other thing.

0:19:170:19:20

The government has changed your name to Ginormica.

0:19:200:19:23

SHE GASPS

0:19:230:19:25

-COMPUTER:

-'Begin reanimation sequence.'

0:20:100:20:14

Who dares to wake me?

0:20:190:20:22

'Quantonium has been located on a distant planet

0:20:220:20:26

'in the Omega Quadrant.'

0:20:260:20:28

The Omega Quadrant?

0:20:280:20:30

Lame.

0:20:300:20:31

'The trajectory of the quantonium meteor has been traced

0:20:310:20:36

'to sector 72-4.

0:20:360:20:39

'A planet locally known as Earth.'

0:20:390:20:43

What a miserable-looking mudball.

0:20:430:20:46

Send a robot probe.

0:20:460:20:49

Extract the quantonium with extreme prejudice.

0:20:490:20:54

I want it all.

0:20:550:20:58

Every last drop.

0:20:580:21:00

'Yes, Gallaxhar.'

0:21:000:21:04

Nothing can stand in my way now.

0:21:040:21:07

MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO

0:21:160:21:19

Don't rush me, Katie. I'm just not ready.

0:21:270:21:30

Oh, relax, Cuthbert. It's just like dancing.

0:21:300:21:33

I'll lead.

0:21:330:21:35

RADIO SIGNAL WOBBLES

0:21:360:21:37

Katie, I have a gymnastics meet tomorrow. So maybe...

0:21:370:21:41

Did you open the top?

0:21:410:21:43

Oh. Thank goodness. It's the police.

0:21:430:21:46

-We weren't doing anything, officer.

-Yeah, nothing at all.

0:21:460:21:49

Jiminy!

0:21:540:21:55

Why did I even let you talk me into this?

0:21:550:21:59

-Maybe we should get out of here.

-Or maybe we should go check it out.

0:21:590:22:01

Katie, are you nuts?

0:22:010:22:04

Wait! Don't leave me alone.

0:22:040:22:06

HE SHRIEKS

0:22:090:22:10

My ankle.

0:22:100:22:12

I think it's broken. Katie?

0:22:120:22:15

(This is the worst date ever.)

0:22:170:22:20

Katie, I'm frightened.

0:22:290:22:31

BOTH YELL

0:22:360:22:37

It was first spotted at midnight last night

0:22:390:22:41

by a couple in romantic embrace.

0:22:410:22:44

No-one knows what it is or where it came from.

0:22:440:22:47

All branches of the military were immediately mobilised.

0:22:470:22:51

What is that?

0:22:510:22:53

OK.

0:22:530:22:54

I have just received word that the President of the United States

0:22:540:22:58

has arrived and will attempt to make first contact.

0:22:580:23:02

I must approach it alone.

0:23:020:23:04

This is all about peaceful communication.

0:23:040:23:06

-CLANKING

-Yes, sir, Mr President.

0:23:060:23:09

'Perimeter stable. Got a bead on Papa Bear. All clear.'

0:23:410:23:44

HE PANTS

0:23:440:23:47

KNUCKLES CRACK

0:23:590:24:02

TUNE FROM "Close Encounters Of The Third Kind"

0:24:020:24:06

FLAT NOTE

0:24:070:24:08

CORRECT NOTE

0:24:080:24:10

HE GULPS

0:24:120:24:14

MUSIC: "Axel F" by Harold Faltermeyer

0:24:190:24:21

BEAT KICKS IN

0:24:260:24:27

HE PANTS

0:24:470:24:50

DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE

0:24:500:24:52

ALL GASP

0:24:580:24:59

Saddle up. Let's go. MEN SHOUT

0:25:500:25:52

Here we go.

0:25:520:25:53

Man down!

0:25:530:25:55

Whoa!

0:26:020:26:05

Commander, do something violent.

0:26:050:26:08

You heard the President. Light him up.

0:26:080:26:09

We're getting pummelled down here. Call in air support.

0:26:170:26:20

Call in air support!

0:26:200:26:22

INDISTINCT SPEECH OVER RADIOS

0:26:220:26:25

Yeah!

0:26:300:26:32

INDISTINCT SPEECH OVER RADIOS

0:26:360:26:38

Call in...

0:26:420:26:43

CLEARS THROAT Call in a full retreat.

0:26:430:26:45

Full retreat, full retreat. All troops.

0:26:450:26:48

-Wheels up. Papa Bear's on the move.

-Wait.

0:26:490:26:52

So, that's how you want to play it? Eat lead, alien robot.

0:26:520:26:56

HE GULPS

0:26:560:26:58

-Evidently they eat lead.

-Get him on the chopper.

0:26:580:27:01

I'm brave! I'm a brave President.

0:27:010:27:03

Get out of the way!

0:27:060:27:08

Sir! We need to declare...

0:27:230:27:25

We need to overthrow that robot and install our own approved government

0:27:250:27:29

within the robot.

0:27:290:27:30

-I say we invade it.

-At this rate, the Earth only has two weeks left.

0:27:300:27:33

If it walks into a populated area, there will be a catastrophe.

0:27:330:27:36

We need our top scientific minds. Get India on the phone.

0:27:360:27:39

Can we transport the United States to a safer planet?

0:27:390:27:42

I say we give him a green card and make him proud to be American.

0:27:420:27:45

Sir, it's at dire times like this when I stop and ask myself

0:27:450:27:48

-what would Oprah do?

-Hang it all!

0:27:480:27:51

What's the point? It's a disaster.

0:27:510:27:54

ALL: Stop!

0:27:540:27:56

That button launches all of our nuclear missiles.

0:27:560:27:59

Then which button gets me a latte?

0:27:590:28:01

That would be the other one, sir.

0:28:010:28:03

What idiot designed this thing?

0:28:060:28:09

You did, sir.

0:28:090:28:11

Fair enough.

0:28:110:28:12

-Wilson, fire somebody.

-Yes, sir, Mr President.

0:28:120:28:15

Listen up. I'm not going to go down in history

0:28:150:28:17

as the President who was in office when the world came to an end.

0:28:170:28:21

So, somebody think of something and think of it fast.

0:28:210:28:24

-That is a good cup of Joe.

-Mr President!

0:28:250:28:28

Not only do I have an idea, but I have a plan.

0:28:310:28:35

Hoo-rah.

0:28:350:28:36

Now, conventional weapons have no effect on this thing.

0:28:390:28:42

We all know nukes ain't an option.

0:28:420:28:44

Sure they are. Just, er...

0:28:440:28:46

-ALL: No!

-No, wait!

0:28:460:28:48

I'm not going to kid you, Mr President.

0:28:480:28:51

These are dark times. The odds are against us.

0:28:510:28:54

We need a Hail Mary pass. We need raw power.

0:28:540:28:56

We need...

0:28:560:28:58

monsters.

0:28:580:29:00

Monsters! Of course!

0:29:020:29:04

It's so simple.

0:29:040:29:06

I... I'm not following you.

0:29:060:29:09

Over the last 50 years, I have captured monsters on the rampage

0:29:090:29:13

and locked them up in a secret prison facility.

0:29:130:29:15

So secret that the mere mention of its name is a federal offence.

0:29:150:29:21

Is he referring to Area 5...

0:29:210:29:23

HE GASPS

0:29:230:29:25

Mr President, say hello to Insectosaurus.

0:29:250:29:29

SHE SCREAMS

0:29:290:29:31

Miss Ronson, please.

0:29:310:29:33

Nuclear radiation turned him from a small grub

0:29:330:29:36

into a 350-foot tall monster that attacked Tokyo.

0:29:360:29:42

Here we have The Missing Link.

0:29:420:29:44

MISS RONSON SCREAMS

0:29:440:29:46

A 20,000-year-old, frozen fish-man who was thawed out by scientists.

0:29:470:29:53

He escaped and went on a rampage at his old watering-hole.

0:29:530:29:57

This handsome fellow is Dr Cockroach, PhD.

0:29:570:30:00

The most brilliant man in the world.

0:30:000:30:02

He invented a scientific machine

0:30:020:30:06

that would give humans the cockroach's ability to survive.

0:30:060:30:10

Unfortunately, there was a side-effect.

0:30:100:30:13

MISS RONSON SCREAMS

0:30:130:30:15

Now, we call this thing BOB.

0:30:150:30:18

MISS RONSON SCREAMS Will someone get her out of here?

0:30:180:30:22

Thank you.

0:30:230:30:25

A genetically altered tomato was combined with a chemically altered,

0:30:250:30:29

ranch-flavoured, dessert topping at a snack food plant.

0:30:290:30:32

The resulting goop gained consciousness

0:30:320:30:35

and became an indestructible, gelatinous mass.

0:30:350:30:39

And our latest addition - Ginormica.

0:30:390:30:42

HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM

0:30:420:30:45

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

0:30:450:30:47

General, continue.

0:30:470:30:48

Her entire body radiates with pure energy,

0:30:480:30:52

giving her enormous strength and size.

0:30:520:30:55

Sir, these monsters are our best and only chance to defeat that robot.

0:30:550:31:00

Don't we already have an alien problem, General?

0:31:000:31:03

I don't think we need a monster problem, too.

0:31:030:31:05

You got a better idea, nerd?

0:31:050:31:08

Ah!

0:31:080:31:09

ALL EXCLAIM

0:31:090:31:10

-OK, stay where you are.

-HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

0:31:100:31:13

General, I propose we go forward

0:31:130:31:16

with your monsters versus aliens idea...thingy.

0:31:160:31:20

Go fish.

0:31:200:31:23

Do you have...

0:31:290:31:32

any...

0:31:320:31:34

threes?

0:31:340:31:36

Yes. I do.

0:31:360:31:37

How are you doing this? You're the luckiest guy I know.

0:31:370:31:40

Luck ain't got nothing to do with it.

0:31:400:31:42

What the... Hey!

0:31:440:31:46

They called me crazy. But I'll show them.

0:31:480:31:52

-I'll show them all.

-MANIACAL LAUGH

0:31:520:31:55

Doctor, I'd prefer you didn't do your mad scientist laugh

0:31:550:31:59

while I'm hooked up to this machine.

0:31:590:32:01

INSECTOSAURUS GROANS

0:32:010:32:03

You're right, Insecto.

0:32:030:32:05

You've been letting that quack experiment on you for over a month.

0:32:050:32:08

I'm not a quack, I'm a mad scientist.

0:32:080:32:11

There is a difference.

0:32:110:32:13

Guys, what choice do I have?

0:32:130:32:15

If he can make me normal or even 6 foot 8, I can get out of here.

0:32:150:32:19

Get back to the life I'm supposed to have.

0:32:190:32:21

-I should be in...

-Let me guess. Fresno?

0:32:210:32:23

Well, Fresno's just a stepping stone.

0:32:230:32:25

Next step Milwaukee, and then New York and then someday...

0:32:250:32:28

Yeah, we know. Paris.

0:32:280:32:30

Throw the switch, Doctor. But don't do the laugh.

0:32:300:32:34

Now, you're going to feel a slight pinch in the brain.

0:32:340:32:37

-MANIACAL LAUGH

-Sorry.

0:32:370:32:39

Susan! Yoo-hoo!

0:32:490:32:52

Am I small again?

0:32:520:32:54

I'm afraid not, my dear.

0:32:540:32:56

In fact, you may actually have grown a couple of feet.

0:33:000:33:04

It's OK, Doc. We'll try again tomorrow.

0:33:070:33:10

You really don't get it, do you?

0:33:100:33:12

No monster has ever gotten out of here.

0:33:120:33:15

That's not true. The Invisible Man did.

0:33:150:33:17

No, he didn't.

0:33:170:33:19

We just told you that so you wouldn't get upset.

0:33:190:33:21

He died of a heart attack 25 years ago.

0:33:210:33:24

No!

0:33:240:33:25

Yeah, in that very chair.

0:33:250:33:28

He's still there.

0:33:290:33:31

BOB MOANS

0:33:310:33:33

You see what I'm saying?

0:33:330:33:35

Nobody's leaving, nobody's ever getting out.

0:33:350:33:37

Good news, monsters. You're getting out.

0:33:370:33:41

Until today.

0:33:410:33:42

So, let me get this straight, Monger.

0:33:470:33:49

You want us to fight an alien robot.

0:33:490:33:51

And in exchange, the President of these United States

0:33:510:33:54

has authorised me to grant you your freedom.

0:33:540:33:57

I can't believe it. Soon I'll be back in Derek's arms.

0:33:570:34:01

Or he'll be in mine.

0:34:010:34:03

I can't wait for spring break back at Coco Beach, just...

0:34:030:34:07

freaking everybody out.

0:34:070:34:08

And I'll go back to my lab and finally finish my experiments.

0:34:080:34:12

No, that's me, BOB.

0:34:120:34:14

Then I'll be a really giant lady.

0:34:140:34:16

That's Susan, BOB.

0:34:160:34:18

Fine. Then I'll go back to Modesto and be with Derek.

0:34:180:34:22

Yeah, that's still Susan, BOB.

0:34:220:34:24

I think I at least deserve a chance to be with Derek.

0:34:240:34:27

WOMAN: All right, let's go.

0:34:270:34:29

INSECTOSAURUS ROARS

0:34:350:34:37

CAR HORNS HONK

0:34:480:34:50

Everybody move in an orderly fashion.

0:34:500:34:52

This is an emergency. We are evacuating the city.

0:34:520:34:56

Exact change is appreciated but not necessary.

0:34:560:34:59

Let's move out.

0:35:270:35:29

This is San Francisco. This isn't far from my home.

0:35:350:35:38

-DR COCKROACH SIGHS

-Feel the wind on your antennae.

0:35:380:35:40

Isn't this wonderful?

0:35:400:35:42

I haven't been outside in 50 years. It's... It's amazing out here.

0:35:420:35:46

It's a little hotter than I remember.

0:35:460:35:48

Has the Earth gotten warmer? That'd be great to know.

0:35:480:35:50

That would be a very convenient truth.

0:35:500:35:53

GROANING AND CLANKING

0:35:530:35:55

Woo-whee!

0:35:560:35:57

-Now, that's a robot!

-It's huge.

0:35:570:36:00

Try not to damage it too much, monsters.

0:36:000:36:02

I might want to bring it back to the farm.

0:36:020:36:04

No, no, no. Wait. You didn't say anything about it being huge.

0:36:040:36:08

Wait! No, don't leave!

0:36:080:36:10

I think he sees us.

0:36:140:36:16

Hello. Hi!

0:36:160:36:18

How are you doing? Welcome.

0:36:180:36:20

We are here to destroy you.

0:36:200:36:22

I can't fight that thing. I can't even...

0:36:220:36:24

I've n...

0:36:240:36:26

I'm hyperventilating.

0:36:260:36:28

Does anybody have a giant paper bag?

0:36:280:36:30

Relax.

0:36:300:36:31

Old Link's got this under control.

0:36:310:36:33

Hide in the city, Susan. You'll be safe there.

0:36:330:36:36

But stay away from the Tenderloin. It's a little dicey.

0:36:360:36:39

Finally, some action.

0:36:390:36:40

I'm going to turn that oversized tin can

0:36:400:36:42

into a really dented, oversized tin can.

0:36:420:36:46

OK. Does anybody have a 20 on Insectosaurus?

0:36:510:36:54

Wow. Would you look at the size of that...?

0:36:540:36:57

Foot!

0:36:570:36:59

I got him, you guys. I got...

0:37:010:37:03

Don't worry, I won't let go. I'm wearing him down.

0:37:040:37:06

Please tell me he's slowing down.

0:37:070:37:09

Get to the city, Link. I'll catch up with you as soon as I can.

0:37:090:37:12

Or maybe you'll have to catch up with me.

0:37:140:37:19

POUNDING

0:37:310:37:33

SHE GASPS

0:37:330:37:36

SHE GASPS

0:37:550:37:56

SHE SHRIEKS

0:38:180:38:20

Oh, no! No!

0:38:400:38:43

Oh.

0:38:460:38:47

OK, OK.

0:39:090:39:11

I've got this.

0:39:110:39:12

-CLANG

-Ow.

0:39:200:39:22

Yep, that hurt.

0:39:250:39:27

Get in. I have a plan.

0:39:290:39:31

HE LAUGHS

0:39:310:39:33

Hot dogs.

0:39:430:39:44

HE YELLS

0:39:460:39:48

All right, Link. I'm going to pull up alongside it.

0:39:510:39:54

You get up in there. Get to its central processing unit and...

0:39:540:39:58

-Hey, guys! Catch me!

-BOTH: No!

0:39:580:40:01

Let's go, let's go. Keep it moving.

0:40:070:40:09

Hey, no honking.

0:40:090:40:11

Excuse me. Coming through. On your right. No control.

0:40:160:40:21

TRUCK HORN HONKS

0:40:310:40:33

Oh, no.

0:40:380:40:40

OK, it's going to be OK. I'm going to get you out of there.

0:40:500:40:53

Hold on a second. You have to get off the bridge before...

0:40:530:40:56

HE YELLS

0:40:560:40:57

YELLING AND SCREAMING

0:41:080:41:09

SHE SCREAMS

0:41:180:41:20

No! No!

0:41:210:41:23

No! Get away from me!

0:41:230:41:24

ROARING

0:41:300:41:31

Coming through. Watch it.

0:41:410:41:43

SHE SCREAMS

0:41:430:41:44

Hey, furball. Where you been?

0:41:480:41:51

Yeah, I know. Papa's a little out of shape.

0:41:530:41:56

Excuse me, he's trying to kill me.

0:41:560:41:58

Why is it doing that? Why would it...?

0:41:580:42:00

Wow.

0:42:100:42:11

SHE GASPS

0:42:170:42:19

Wow. You're doing great.

0:42:280:42:30

I'm doing everything!

0:42:300:42:32

Not for long. Come on, you guys.

0:42:320:42:34

Let's take this thing down.

0:42:340:42:36

A deflector shield. Typical.

0:42:370:42:40

You can't crush a cockroach.

0:42:480:42:51

HE LAUGHS

0:42:510:42:52

HE GASPS FOR BREATH

0:42:580:43:00

Right.

0:43:000:43:02

Here we go.

0:43:020:43:04

HE YELLS

0:43:040:43:05

Insectosaurus.

0:43:080:43:09

Insectosaurus!

0:43:090:43:12

-BOB!

-What?

-Help me!

0:43:120:43:14

Sorry, I was just staring at this bird over there.

0:43:140:43:17

We have to get these people off the bridge.

0:43:170:43:19

-Got it.

-WOMAN SCREAMS

0:43:190:43:21

No! Move the dividers.

0:43:210:43:25

Oh, yeah. You're right.

0:43:260:43:27

-My bad.

-HE LAUGHS

0:43:270:43:29

Go, go, go, go!

0:43:320:43:35

SHE GROANS

0:43:420:43:43

Link.

0:43:470:43:48

-HE GROANS

-I don't feel good.

0:43:480:43:50

OK, Susan, you can do this.

0:43:530:43:56

All right. Let's take this thing down.

0:44:410:44:44

-COMPUTER:

-'Retrieval has failed.

0:44:530:44:55

'Don't get upset. It happens to everyone.'

0:44:550:44:59

HE GROANS

0:44:590:45:00

That lower life-form thinks she can steal my quantonium.

0:45:000:45:06

Send another probe at once.

0:45:060:45:08

'Quantonium cannot be retrieved via robot.

0:45:080:45:11

'Carbon-based life-form locally known as Susan is now too strong.'

0:45:110:45:16

Oh. You think because you're all big and strong

0:45:160:45:21

and you can destroy my robot probe

0:45:210:45:24

that you're going to send me running and hiding?

0:45:240:45:27

My days of running and hiding are over.

0:45:270:45:31

Computer, set a course to Earth.

0:45:310:45:35

I will retrieve the quantonium myself,

0:45:350:45:39

even if I need to rip it out of her body one cell at a time.

0:45:390:45:45

'Careful, it's hot.'

0:45:480:45:50

Three weeks ago, if you had asked me to defeat a giant alien robot,

0:45:540:45:57

I would have said no can do. But I did it. Me.

0:45:570:46:01

I'm still buzzing. Did you see how strong I was?

0:46:010:46:04

There probably isn't a jar in this world I can't open.

0:46:040:46:06

You were positively heroic, my dear.

0:46:060:46:09

I especially loved how you saved all those people on the bridge.

0:46:090:46:12

It was a nice touch. Wasn't she amazing, Link?

0:46:120:46:15

Yeah, she was great. Really cool. Loved it.

0:46:150:46:18

Oh, poor Link.

0:46:180:46:21

After all that tough talk, you were out-monstered by a girl.

0:46:210:46:25

No wonder you're depressed.

0:46:250:46:27

Hey, I'm not depressed. I'm tired.

0:46:270:46:29

Why are YOU tired? You didn't do anything.

0:46:290:46:32

I haven't been sleeping well, all right?

0:46:320:46:33

I've got sleep apness, apni...

0:46:330:46:36

apnoea. Whatever. It's not fun.

0:46:360:46:38

So Link's a little rusty. I mean, sleep-deprived.

0:46:380:46:42

You'll be back to your old self in no time.

0:46:420:46:44

And so will I.

0:46:440:46:45

What about the "there isn't a jar in the world I can't open" stuff?

0:46:450:46:50

Wait, did you find a jar you couldn't open?

0:46:500:46:52

What was in it? Was there pickles in it?

0:46:520:46:53

Where's the giant jar of pickles?

0:46:530:46:55

What my associate is trying to say

0:46:550:46:58

is we all think the new Susan is the cat's mi-wow.

0:46:580:47:02

HE LAUGHS

0:47:020:47:03

I'm sorry.

0:47:030:47:05

Aww. Thanks, you guys.

0:47:050:47:08

That is so sweet.

0:47:080:47:10

But I have a normal life waiting for me, you know?

0:47:100:47:13

So tell me exactly how this normal life thing works

0:47:130:47:16

-with you being giant and all.

-I'm not going to be a giant forever.

0:47:160:47:20

Derek won't rest until we find a cure for my...condition.

0:47:200:47:25

We're a team.

0:47:250:47:26

We could all do with a Derek.

0:47:260:47:29

Perhaps someday we could make his acquaintance.

0:47:290:47:31

Really?

0:47:310:47:33

You guys want to meet Derek?

0:47:330:47:35

First stop, Modesto.

0:47:420:47:44

Ginormica, I called your family to let them know you were coming home.

0:47:440:47:48

I also called the Modesto PD, told them not to shoot at you.

0:47:480:47:52

Thanks, General.

0:47:530:47:54

CLUNK!

0:47:540:47:56

OK, remember. These people aren't used to seeing, erm...

0:48:050:48:09

anything like you.

0:48:090:48:12

Or... Or you. Or you.

0:48:120:48:15

So just be, you know, cool.

0:48:150:48:17

Just be, you know... Follow my lead.

0:48:170:48:19

CRUNCH

0:48:190:48:20

ALL YELL

0:48:220:48:23

Stop!

0:48:260:48:27

That was an accident. Don't destroy anything.

0:48:270:48:30

CRASH

0:48:310:48:33

Susan?

0:48:330:48:35

Susie Q!

0:48:350:48:36

Mom, Daddy.

0:48:360:48:39

Did they...experiment on you?

0:48:390:48:43

No, Mom. I'm fine.

0:48:430:48:45

It's OK. They're with me.

0:48:490:48:51

These are my new friends.

0:48:510:48:53

Oh, Derek. I missed you so much.

0:48:530:48:56

Thinking that we'd someday be together again.

0:48:560:48:59

It's the only thing that got me through prison.

0:48:590:49:01

I love you! I love this man!

0:49:010:49:03

No, BOB, that's my mother. You're suffocating her.

0:49:030:49:05

Honey, are you all right?

0:49:070:49:09

I taste ham.

0:49:090:49:11

Sorry, Mom.

0:49:110:49:12

He's just a hugger.

0:49:120:49:14

-Where's Derek?

-He's at work, sweetie.

0:49:150:49:18

You know how he is about his career.

0:49:180:49:22

We're not going to celebrate without him.

0:49:220:49:24

Susan. What do I do with all your little friends?

0:49:240:49:28

Just put out some snacks. They'll eat anything.

0:49:280:49:31

Oh! Ambrosia.

0:49:330:49:35

POP MUSIC PLAYS

0:49:350:49:37

How's it going?

0:49:380:49:40

Que pasa, girlfriend?

0:49:400:49:42

Way to cut up a rug, Insecto.

0:49:420:49:44

Who wants to go for a swim with the Link?

0:49:470:49:49

HE YELLS

0:49:540:49:55

Hi, I'm Benzoate Ostylezene Bicarbonate.

0:49:550:49:59

Or you can call me BOB. Whichever's easier.

0:49:590:50:02

Did I come on too strong? I'm sorry.

0:50:030:50:05

I'm a little rusty. I've been in prison my whole life.

0:50:050:50:09

Why did I mention prison?

0:50:090:50:11

Oh, I didn't mean to scare you.

0:50:120:50:13

I'm just going to go. (I feel so stupid.)

0:50:130:50:17

All right, everyone just stay calm. Whatever you do, do not provoke them.

0:50:170:50:22

Anyone care for an atomic gin fizz?

0:50:220:50:24

It's got quite a...

0:50:240:50:25

..kick.

0:50:270:50:28

HE ROARS

0:50:280:50:30

Chlorine! Chlorine in my eyes.

0:50:300:50:32

HE YELLS

0:50:320:50:33

Everyone, run for your lives!

0:50:360:50:38

What are they running away from?

0:50:420:50:44

HE LAUGHS

0:50:460:50:48

That's hilarious, Jim.

0:50:480:50:50

That is exactly the kind of down home country humour

0:50:500:50:52

I'm going to miss when I'm in Fresno.

0:50:520:50:54

This is Derek Dietl signing off for the very last time.

0:50:540:50:58

Goodnight, Modesto!

0:50:580:51:02

'Channel 172.'

0:51:020:51:04

And cut. APPLAUSE

0:51:040:51:06

So did you like that sign-off? Just made it up.

0:51:070:51:10

SHE SCREAMS

0:51:100:51:12

SCREAMING AND YELLING

0:51:140:51:16

Oh, my goodness.

0:51:170:51:19

Wait, wait, wait...

0:51:190:51:21

Oh, Derek. You wouldn't believe my last three weeks.

0:51:250:51:27

You just wouldn't believe it.

0:51:270:51:29

Thinking about you was the only thing that kept me sane.

0:51:310:51:35

C-C-Can't breathe. Ribs collapsing.

0:51:350:51:38

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry.

0:51:380:51:40

HE GROANS Oh, my God. Is that better?

0:51:400:51:44

-OK. OK.

-Oh, yeah.

0:51:440:51:47

I'm just still kind of getting used to my new strength.

0:51:470:51:50

Wow, you really are big.

0:51:500:51:52

Yeah. But I'm still me. I'm still the same girl you fell in love with.

0:51:520:51:57

Except you did just destroy the Golden Gate Bridge.

0:51:570:52:01

But that was the only way I was going to stop that giant robot.

0:52:010:52:05

-Did you ever think I could do something like that?

-No, I didn't.

0:52:050:52:08

I can honestly say that it never,

0:52:080:52:11

ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever occurred to me.

0:52:110:52:15

Look, I know this is a little weird.

0:52:150:52:18

OK, it's a lot weird. But we'll figure it out.

0:52:180:52:22

I know that together we can find a way to get me back to normal.

0:52:220:52:26

Susan, try and look at this from my perspective.

0:52:260:52:30

I have an audience that depends on me for news, weather, sports

0:52:300:52:34

and heart-warming fluff pieces.

0:52:340:52:36

So you expect me to put all that on hold while you try to undo

0:52:360:52:39

this thing that happened to YOU?

0:52:390:52:41

That I had absolutely nothing to do with?

0:52:410:52:43

Yes. That's exactly what I expect.

0:52:430:52:47

What about the life that we always talked about?

0:52:470:52:50

Don't you still want that?

0:52:500:52:51

Of course. I just...

0:52:510:52:54

don't see how I can have that with you.

0:52:540:52:57

Derek, please.

0:52:580:53:00

Don't do this.

0:53:000:53:01

You have to face facts, Susan.

0:53:010:53:03

And don't crush me for saying this, but I'm not looking to get married

0:53:030:53:07

and spend the rest of my life in someone else's shadow.

0:53:070:53:11

And you're casting a pretty big shadow.

0:53:110:53:14

I'm sorry. It's over.

0:53:140:53:17

Good luck, Susan.

0:53:180:53:20

CLUNKING AND CREAKING

0:53:540:53:57

Wow, what a shindig.

0:54:040:54:09

Your parents really know how to throw it down.

0:54:090:54:13

What? No, that was a great party.

0:54:130:54:14

One of the best I've been to since I got out of prison.

0:54:140:54:17

I must have been at a different party,

0:54:170:54:20

cos that's not how I interpreted it at all.

0:54:200:54:22

I don't think your parents like me

0:54:220:54:24

and I think that jello gave me a fake phone number.

0:54:240:54:27

Well, at least the garbage was free, you know?

0:54:270:54:30

Who are we kidding? We could save every city on the planet

0:54:300:54:34

and they'd still treat us the same way they've always treated us.

0:54:340:54:37

Like monsters.

0:54:370:54:39

Right. Monsters.

0:54:410:54:44

Anyway, how, er...? How was Derek?

0:54:450:54:48

Derek is a selfish jerk.

0:54:530:54:55

-No!

-Yes.

0:54:550:54:58

All that talk about "us". I'm so proud of "us".

0:54:580:55:01

"Us" just got a job in Fresno.

0:55:010:55:03

There's no "us". There was only Derek.

0:55:030:55:06

Why did I have to get hit by a meteor to see that? I'm such an idiot.

0:55:060:55:11

Why did I ever think life with Derek would be so great anyway?

0:55:130:55:17

I mean, look at all the stuff I've done without him.

0:55:170:55:19

Fighting an alien robot?

0:55:190:55:21

That was me, not him.

0:55:210:55:23

And that was amazing.

0:55:230:55:25

Meeting you guys!

0:55:250:55:27

Amazing.

0:55:270:55:29

Dr Cockroach, you can crawl up walls

0:55:290:55:31

and build a supercomputer out of a pizza box,

0:55:310:55:34

two cans of hairspray and...

0:55:340:55:36

-And a paperclip.

-Amazing.

0:55:360:55:38

And you! You hardly need an introduction.

0:55:380:55:40

You're the Missing Link!

0:55:400:55:41

You carried 250 co-eds off of Coco Beach

0:55:410:55:43

and still had the strength to fight off the National Guard.

0:55:430:55:46

And the coastguard. And also the lifeguard.

0:55:460:55:49

Amazing.

0:55:490:55:51

BOB, who else could fall from unimaginable heights

0:55:510:55:54

and end up without a single scratch?

0:55:540:55:56

-Link?

-You.

-Amazing!

0:55:560:55:59

ROARING

0:55:590:56:02

Good point, Insecto. Susan, don't short-change yourself.

0:56:020:56:05

Oh, I'm not going to short-change myself ever again.

0:56:050:56:09

-Testify.

-Yeah.

0:56:090:56:11

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, yes.

0:56:110:56:13

SHE SHRIEKS

0:56:160:56:18

ALL: Susan!

0:56:190:56:20

Way to go, Insecto.

0:56:270:56:29

-SQUEAKS

-Insecto, look out!

0:56:390:56:41

Insectosaurus, no!

0:56:480:56:50

INSECTOSAURUS GROANS

0:56:540:56:56

You're going to make it.

0:56:580:57:00

It's going to be all right. Look at me.

0:57:000:57:03

Don't you close those eyes. Don't you dare close those eyes.

0:57:030:57:08

You can't...

0:57:080:57:10

SHE MOANS

0:57:150:57:18

SHE GASPS

0:57:340:57:36

SHE YELPS

0:57:420:57:43

EVIL LAUGH

0:57:430:57:46

You must be terrified.

0:57:460:57:48

You wake up in a strange place wearing strange clothes

0:57:480:57:53

imprisoned by a strange being

0:57:530:57:55

floating on a strange hovering device.

0:57:550:57:58

Strange, isn't it?

0:57:580:58:00

Hardly. It's not the first time.

0:58:000:58:03

Wow. You really get around.

0:58:030:58:05

To the extraction chamber!

0:58:050:58:08

Look, what is it that you want from me?

0:58:080:58:11

You have stolen what is rightfully mine.

0:58:110:58:15

I didn't steal anything from you.

0:58:150:58:17

Your enormous, grotesque body contains quantonium,

0:58:170:58:20

the most powerful substance in the universe.

0:58:200:58:24

Did you really think you could keep it from me?

0:58:240:58:27

That's what this is all about?

0:58:270:58:30

You destroyed San Francisco, you terrified millions of people,

0:58:300:58:35

you killed my friend just to get to me?

0:58:350:58:37

Ah, ka-ka-ka-ka-ka.

0:58:370:58:39

Silence. Your voice is grating on my ear nubs.

0:58:390:58:43

It's a shame you won't be around to see

0:58:430:58:46

what the power of quantonium can do

0:58:460:58:49

in the tentacles of someone who knows how to use it.

0:58:490:58:53

I know how to use it just fine.

0:58:530:58:56

Don't bother.

0:58:560:58:57

That force-field is impene...

0:58:570:59:00

What the flagnon?

0:59:010:59:03

SHE YELLS

0:59:100:59:12

Ha! That should stop your puny...

0:59:150:59:18

Computer, close door hangar two.

0:59:190:59:21

Close door hangar three.

0:59:210:59:23

Door hangar four.

0:59:230:59:26

Close them all!

0:59:260:59:28

SHE GRUNTS

0:59:330:59:34

Computer, begin extraction.

1:00:121:00:14

Oh!

1:00:161:00:18

Ah!

1:00:221:00:23

HE CHUCKLES

1:00:281:00:29

HE LAUGHS

1:00:521:00:55

Finally, I can rebuild my civilisation on a new planet.

1:00:551:01:00

Any thoughts on where I should set up shop?

1:01:001:01:03

Your planet, perhaps?

1:01:031:01:05

You keep your slimly tentacles off my planet.

1:01:051:01:08

If you wanted to stop me,

1:01:081:01:10

you should have done it when you possessed the quantonium.

1:01:101:01:13

Now you're nothing.

1:01:131:01:15

There are innocent people down there who didn't do anything.

1:01:151:01:18

There were innocent people on MY home planet before it was destroyed.

1:01:201:01:24

Look, I'm sorry your planet was destroyed.

1:01:241:01:26

Oh, don't be. I'm the one who destroyed it.

1:01:261:01:29

Confused?

1:01:291:01:31

After I reveal my tale to you,

1:01:311:01:33

everything will become crystal clear.

1:01:331:01:37

Computer, initialise cloning machine.

1:01:371:01:40

-COMPUTER:

-'Yes, Gallaxhar.'

1:01:401:01:42

Many zentons ago, when I was but a squidling,

1:01:431:01:47

I found out my parents were...

1:01:471:01:50

No child should ever have to endure that.

1:01:511:01:55

So I went on the road with a giant...

1:01:551:01:57

..and soon thereafter was married.

1:02:001:02:02

Things were going well until she wanted to...

1:02:021:02:05

And then I was all, "No way," and she was all, "Yes way."

1:02:071:02:10

And I was like...

1:02:101:02:12

But I've told you too much already.

1:02:131:02:15

Let the birth of my new planet,

1:02:171:02:20

now called...

1:02:201:02:22

Gallaxhar's Planet, begin!

1:02:221:02:26

Once again, a UFO has landed in America,

1:02:501:02:54

the only country UFOs ever seem to land in.

1:02:541:02:57

Excuse me.

1:02:571:02:59

What's that, Henshaw?

1:02:591:03:01

Okey dokey.

1:03:011:03:03

Er, we now take you live

1:03:031:03:05

to a transmission from the alien spacecraft.

1:03:051:03:09

Humans of Earth, I have come in peace.

1:03:101:03:15

You need not fear me - I mean you no harm.

1:03:151:03:19

However, it is important to note

1:03:191:03:21

that most of you will not survive the next 24 hours.

1:03:211:03:24

Those of you who DO survive will be enslaved and experimented on.

1:03:241:03:28

You should in no way take any of this personally -

1:03:281:03:32

it's just business.

1:03:321:03:34

So just to recap,

1:03:341:03:36

I come in peace, I mean you no harm, and you all will die.

1:03:361:03:39

Gallaxhar out.

1:03:391:03:40

OK. Er, boys, set the terror level at code brown,

1:03:451:03:48

cos I need to change my pants.

1:03:481:03:51

What are we going to do now, Doc?

1:04:041:04:06

-I...

-HE SIGHS

1:04:061:04:07

I don't know.

1:04:071:04:09

I'll tell you what we're going to do.

1:04:091:04:11

We're not going to let Insecto die in vain.

1:04:111:04:14

We're going to get up there,

1:04:141:04:16

find Susan, and we're going to take that alien down.

1:04:161:04:20

All right, gentlemen, you've got enough juice in those jet packs

1:04:241:04:27

to get you up there but not enough to make it home.

1:04:271:04:30

I'll come get you if I can. If I don't, it means I'm dead.

1:04:301:04:33

Or late.

1:04:341:04:36

I've been your warden for close to 50 years.

1:04:371:04:40

That's no longer the case.

1:04:401:04:42

For what it's worth...

1:04:421:04:45

That's rude. What did we do?

1:04:451:04:47

No, BOB. That's not rude.

1:04:471:04:49

That's a sign of respect.

1:04:491:04:51

-General, it's targeting us.

-That's the idea, Lieutenant.

1:05:001:05:04

Hold your course.

1:05:041:05:05

Steady, steady.

1:05:051:05:09

Hard right, hard right.

1:05:101:05:12

I can't shake it.

1:05:141:05:16

Hang onto your socks - we're going for a ride.

1:05:191:05:22

Yee-ha!

1:05:241:05:26

That's why I always wear a parachute, Lieutenant.

1:05:331:05:36

You can let go of me now, Lieutenant.

1:05:391:05:42

RUMBLING AND CRACKING

1:05:431:05:45

HE MAKES BIRD NOISES

1:06:091:06:11

Who are you signalling? We're right here.

1:06:131:06:16

Hey, zip it.

1:06:161:06:18

Clone.

1:06:241:06:26

ALL: Hail Gallaxhar.

1:06:261:06:27

No. Not all of you. You there.

1:06:271:06:30

Erm, how do I do this? Three back.

1:06:301:06:32

No, no, no. That guy. Next to you.

1:06:321:06:35

The one I'm pointing at.

1:06:351:06:36

You, the one... Ack-ka-ka-ka-ka.

1:06:361:06:38

You, clone. Yes. Good.

1:06:381:06:41

HE SIGHS

1:06:411:06:42

Take the prisoner to the incinerator.

1:06:421:06:45

She's useless to us now.

1:06:451:06:47

-Hail Gallaxhar.

-Hail me.

1:06:471:06:50

Wow.

1:07:031:07:04

Ginormica ain't so ginormic any more.

1:07:041:07:08

How are we supposed to get to her?

1:07:081:07:10

There's too many of them. It's impossible.

1:07:101:07:12

I may not have a brain, gentlemen,

1:07:161:07:19

but I have an idea.

1:07:191:07:21

This is not going to work.

1:07:271:07:29

Oh.

1:07:361:07:38

Halt.

1:07:421:07:43

I...Gallaxhar, command you to hand over the prisoner this instant.

1:07:461:07:52

Clearly you are defective beyond repair.

1:07:531:07:56

Guards, take this defective clone to the incinerator.

1:07:561:07:59

Well, what are you waiting for? You and you.

1:08:021:08:05

-Seriously?

-Yes.

1:08:061:08:08

Take the prisoner and the defective clone to the incinerator.

1:08:081:08:12

Er, of course, sir.

1:08:121:08:15

Here's a security pass just in case.

1:08:151:08:17

-Would you like a gun?

-Yes, I would.

1:08:181:08:21

Hey, guys, look.

1:08:211:08:23

OK.

1:08:251:08:27

I can't believe you guys came to save me.

1:08:271:08:31

-Thank you.

-Don't mention it. We monsters have got to stick together.

1:08:311:08:35

But I'm not a monster any more.

1:08:351:08:37

I'm just me.

1:08:371:08:39

My dear, no matter what your size, you'll always be...

1:08:391:08:43

nothing but a filthy, carbon-based life-form.

1:08:431:08:47

ALL: Hail Gallaxhar.

1:08:471:08:48

Hail Gallaxhar.

1:08:481:08:50

These disguises are the bomb.

1:08:541:08:56

That's it! Follow me.

1:08:571:08:59

The only way to save the Earth...

1:08:591:09:00

-ALL: Hail Gallaxhar.

-Hail Gallaxhar.

1:09:001:09:02

-The only way to sa...

-Hail Gallaxhar.

-Hail Gallaxhar.

1:09:021:09:05

The only way to save the Earth

1:09:051:09:06

-is to blow up this ship before...

-Hail Gallaxhar.

1:09:061:09:09

-..before the invasion starts.

-So how are we going to do this?

1:09:091:09:13

We need to find the main power core.

1:09:131:09:15

Excuse me, could you direct us to the main power core?

1:09:151:09:18

Gladly. It's right there above the extraction chamber.

1:09:181:09:21

-Thank you very much. Hail Gallaxhar.

-Watch out!

1:09:331:09:35

-Look out, brainless.

-Give me that thing!

1:09:351:09:38

A weapon like this needs to be in the hands of somebody responsi...

1:09:381:09:42

Oh.

1:09:421:09:44

What?

1:09:441:09:46

Hail Gallaxhar?

1:09:461:09:49

Monsters.

1:09:491:09:50

-COMPUTER:

-'Monsters.'

1:09:501:09:52

Monsters? Attention, all aliens.

1:09:521:09:56

Destroy all monsters.

1:09:561:09:58

You want some of this?

1:09:591:10:02

You want to hurt my friends, you'll have to go through me.

1:10:061:10:10

Oh, yeah.

1:10:131:10:14

-Susan.

-Ah!

1:10:351:10:37

I can't believe we made it.

1:10:431:10:45

HE YELLS

1:10:491:10:51

-CLANK

-Ow.

1:10:571:10:59

O...M...G.

1:11:021:11:06

-COMPUTER:

-'Warning - intruder.'

1:11:061:11:08

COMPUTER LAUGHS

1:11:081:11:10

'You'll never figure out my colour code.'

1:11:101:11:12

A hexadecimal colour code system.

1:11:131:11:16

This won't be but a moment.

1:11:161:11:18

MANIACAL LAUGH

1:11:181:11:19

Red, green, blue, yellow, orange, baby blue,

1:11:191:11:22

purple, pink, mauve, gold, brown ochre, avocado, then we go - hey!

1:11:221:11:25

DANCE MUSIC

1:11:251:11:28

Come on, dance.

1:11:321:11:34

'Your busted, tired dance moves are no match for my security protocols.'

1:11:341:11:39

We can't hold them off much longer.

1:11:391:11:41

There's one thing you don't know about me, my dear. My PhD is in...

1:11:411:11:47

..dance.

1:11:481:11:50

'Security protocol breached.

1:11:511:11:53

'Ship has been set to self-destruct.

1:11:531:11:56

'Total annihilation in T minus six minutes.'

1:11:561:12:01

Well, launch the invasion, then.

1:12:011:12:04

'Invasion no longer possible.'

1:12:041:12:06

Oh...spaceballs!

1:12:061:12:08

Divert the quantonium to the bridge and prepare my escape capsule.

1:12:081:12:13

Look at that. They're all running scared.

1:12:261:12:28

-Monsters win.

-I don't think that's why they're running.

1:12:281:12:32

'Ship will self-destruct in T minus five minutes.'

1:12:321:12:37

Hail Gallaxhar.

1:12:401:12:41

We're not going to make it.

1:12:411:12:43

HE YELLS

1:12:461:12:47

Keep going.

1:12:571:12:59

HE STRAINS

1:13:061:13:08

It's no use. It won't budge.

1:13:081:13:11

If I was still Ginormica, I could do this.

1:13:111:13:14

Get out of here while you've still got the chance.

1:13:141:13:16

No, don't say that. I'm not leaving you guys.

1:13:161:13:20

Yes, you are. Rendezvous with Monger.

1:13:201:13:22

He's outside the ship waiting for you.

1:13:221:13:24

Go while there's still time.

1:13:241:13:26

'Ship will self-destruct in T minus four minutes.'

1:13:261:13:31

Don't you worry about us, Susan.

1:13:311:13:33

You finally have a chance to get your old life back.

1:13:331:13:36

I don't want my old life back.

1:13:361:13:38

They think they've stopped me.

1:13:461:13:48

They've stopped nothing.

1:13:481:13:50

'Female, carbon-based life-form, or Susan, not contained.'

1:13:501:13:54

What?

1:13:541:13:55

Attention, robot probes.

1:14:021:14:04

Crush the earthling.

1:14:041:14:07

SHE SHRIEKS

1:14:181:14:21

'Robot bay has been destroyed.'

1:14:341:14:36

-HE GROWLS

-Fire phasoid cannon.

1:14:361:14:39

HE YELLS

1:14:531:14:56

Are you crazy? You could have killed me.

1:15:001:15:03

Then we understand each other.

1:15:031:15:05

Now, open the doors and let my friends go.

1:15:051:15:09

Or what?

1:15:091:15:10

You don't actually think you're a match for me, do you?

1:15:101:15:14

ELECTRIC BUBBLING NOISE

1:15:141:15:16

'Quantonium has been successfully diverted to the bridge.

1:15:161:15:20

'Escape capsule ready for transport.'

1:15:201:15:23

Like I told you before,

1:15:231:15:25

you should have defeated me when you had the quantonium.

1:15:251:15:29

Have fun exploding.

1:15:291:15:30

-Argh!

-Argh.

1:15:361:15:38

Whoa...

1:15:431:15:44

Now, open the doors.

1:15:551:15:58

Even if I wanted to, I couldn't.

1:15:581:16:01

That's what happens when you set a ship to self-destruct.

1:16:011:16:03

Now we're all going to die!

1:16:031:16:05

And there's nothing you can do about it...Susan.

1:16:051:16:09

I wouldn't be so sure.

1:16:111:16:13

And the name is Ginormica.

1:16:131:16:15

'Total annihilation in T minus one minute.'

1:16:271:16:32

It's been an honour knowing you, Doc.

1:16:321:16:34

The feeling is mutual, my friend.

1:16:341:16:36

I'll see you guys tomorrow for lunch.

1:16:361:16:38

-That's right, BOB.

-There will be candy and cake.

1:16:381:16:41

-And balloons.

-Cake and balloons for lunch?

1:16:411:16:43

It's going to be the best day ever! I love you guys.

1:16:431:16:46

CRASH

1:16:461:16:48

By Hawking's chair.

1:17:001:17:02

'Total annihilation in T minus 30 seconds.'

1:17:191:17:25

-Where's Monger?

-He's supposed to be here.

1:17:261:17:29

He said the only reason he wouldn't be here is if he was dead.

1:17:291:17:33

Or late.

1:17:361:17:38

Insectosaurus, you're alive!

1:17:421:17:44

HE LAUGHS

1:17:441:17:46

And you're a butterfly.

1:17:461:17:48

'Eight, seven, six,

1:17:521:17:57

'five, four, three...'

1:17:571:18:00

Come on, come on!

1:18:001:18:02

'..two, one.'

1:18:021:18:05

'Hmm. Nothing happened. Maybe my count...'

1:18:071:18:09

There they are!

1:18:161:18:18

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

1:18:181:18:20

ROARS

1:18:231:18:25

HE WHOOPS

1:18:291:18:32

HE LAUGHS

1:18:321:18:34

Yeah.

1:18:341:18:36

THEY SCREAM

1:18:361:18:37

Oh, great.

1:18:371:18:39

NOISY KISS

1:18:391:18:41

Oh, boy.

1:18:421:18:44

Susie Q!

1:18:441:18:46

-Daddy!

-Oh, Susan.

1:18:461:18:48

Ever since you were a baby, I knew that someday you would...

1:18:481:18:53

you know, save the Earth from an invasion from outer space.

1:18:531:18:56

Thank you. But it wasn't just me, Mom.

1:18:561:18:59

Excuse me. Hello. Coming through. How are you?

1:18:591:19:02

-Susan!

-Derek?

1:19:021:19:05

Baby, I thought long and hard about what happened between us.

1:19:051:19:08

And I want you to know

1:19:081:19:10

I forgive you.

1:19:101:19:11

-You forgive me?

-Of course.

1:19:111:19:15

It wasn't your fault you got hit by a meteor and ruined everything.

1:19:151:19:18

And you know what? I say maybe you didn't ruin everything.

1:19:181:19:21

I just got a call from New York.

1:19:211:19:25

They offered me network.

1:19:251:19:27

All I have to do is get an exclusive interview from you.

1:19:271:19:29

-Really?

-Yeah!

1:19:291:19:31

I get my dream job, and you get your dream guy.

1:19:311:19:34

-It's a win-win for Team Dietl.

-HE CHUCKLES

1:19:341:19:37

Derek...

1:19:371:19:40

that's amazing.

1:19:401:19:42

Er, is the camera rolling?

1:19:421:19:44

Absolutely.

1:19:441:19:46

Good. Because I wouldn't want your fans out there to miss this.

1:19:461:19:50

This is Susan Murphy saying, "Goodbye...Derek!"

1:19:511:19:56

Whoa!

1:19:561:19:58

BOB, could you, er...? DEREK YELLS

1:20:001:20:02

Derek, you are a selfish jerk, and guess what.

1:20:061:20:10

I've met someone else.

1:20:101:20:12

She's lime-green, she has 14 little chunks of pineapple inside of her

1:20:121:20:16

and she is everything I deserve in life.

1:20:161:20:19

I'm happy now, Derek, without you.

1:20:191:20:22

It's over.

1:20:221:20:24

Turn it off.

1:20:251:20:26

Monsters, I'm so proud of you I could cry...

1:20:261:20:29

if I hadn't lost my tear ducts in the war.

1:20:291:20:32

But not crying will have to wait. The world needs you again.

1:20:321:20:35

What is it, General?

1:20:351:20:37

Seems a snail fell into a French nuclear reactor.

1:20:371:20:40

As we speak, Escargantua is slowly making its way to Paris.

1:20:401:20:46

Well, I've always wanted to go to Paris.

1:20:471:20:50

Now, who's with me?

1:20:501:20:51

What do you say Butterfly...asaurus.

1:20:511:20:54

ROARS

1:20:541:20:55

We're in.

1:20:551:20:57

-I'm in!

-Count me in, too.

1:20:571:21:00

CHEERING

1:21:001:21:02

Au revoir, sweetie.

1:21:051:21:07

-Have a safe flight.

-Yeah, and hang on.

1:21:071:21:11

Goodbye, Derek.

1:21:231:21:25

Good luck getting over me.

1:21:251:21:26

Er, BOB? It's me he's never going to get over.

1:21:261:21:30

Wait, wait, wait.

1:21:301:21:31

You were dating Derek, too?

1:21:311:21:34

That two-timing jerk!

1:21:341:21:37

# So, you think you can dance? #

1:21:421:21:44

Everyone,

1:21:521:21:54

let's welcome my new Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

1:21:541:21:56

General WR Monger.

1:21:561:21:58

Thank you, Mr President.

1:21:581:22:00

What a great way, sir, to celebrate my 90th birthday.

1:22:001:22:03

Very good, Warren.

1:22:031:22:04

All right. # Let's get it started in here. #

1:22:041:22:07

Nerd.

1:22:071:22:08

Gentlemen, I have assembled a preliminary budget estimate

1:22:081:22:12

for the rebuilding of San Francisco.

1:22:121:22:14

Zoinkers. This is going to be a boring one.

1:22:141:22:16

Good time for a cup of Joe.

1:22:161:22:17

Warren, how do you take it?

1:22:171:22:19

Hit me with a double venti,

1:22:191:22:21

organic, chocolate brownie, caramel frappucino

1:22:211:22:23

extra hot with one inch of foam.

1:22:231:22:25

Non-fat.

1:22:251:22:27

You got it. Black it is.

1:22:271:22:28

CLAMOURING

1:22:281:22:30

My God, man. What have you done?

1:22:301:22:34

Time to wave the white flag and head for the bunker, boys.

1:22:341:22:37

Let's check on the situation in 500 years.

1:22:371:22:39

Who wants to freeze my head?

1:22:391:22:41

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