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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. Hello, sport sport, 2014! Hello and

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welcome to the show. And what a show it is going to be.

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# So do you darnings do you dance, do you dance, quick

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# Mama tell me what is the word. # Tell your brother and your mama

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too # Cos they're about to go down

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# And you know what to do # Wave your hands in the air

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# Like you don't care # People start to look and stare

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# Do your dance # Do your dance quick

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# Mama, come on baby # Tell me what's the word

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# word up # Everybody say

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# When you hear the call you have to get it underway

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# Word up # It's the coded word

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# No matter where you say it # You know you will be heard

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# Are you sulker DJ # Do you think you are fly

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# There must be a reason # You try to put on the act, act

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real cool # But you're acting like a fool

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# We don't have the psychological romance

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# No romance # No romance for me

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# Mama come on, baby # Tell me what's the word

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# Word up # Everybody say

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# When you hear the call you're got to get it under way

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# Word up # It's the code of word

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# No matter where you say it # You know that you'll be heard.

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Sport we leaf is exactly the thing that the BBC should be involved in

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driving upwards, indeed in any direction.

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# We're come coming up # So do do your dance

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# Do your dance, quick # Mama, come on, baby

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# What's the word # Word up Give me some! Give me

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some! Why are you wearing the glasses? I thought that I would be a

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little incog neatow! # No matter where you say it

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# You know you will be heard. I will not be defeated!

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Hello! Well, last night sport sport raised a staggering amount of money

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here at the Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park. I have the scars to prove it.

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I have picked the best bits from Strictly Come Dancing to Clash of

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the Titans and a special Only Fools And Horses. Right, it is time for

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the first best bit. I started, so I will finish, it is Master mind.

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So, welcome back to this special footballers' edition of Celebrity

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Mastermind. Let's recap the scores. Scott Parker, his specialist subject

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was Pingu. He score scored zoer points.

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And Michael Dawson, his specialist subject was himself, he score scored

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zero points. And Jack Wilshere, whose specialist subjects was

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Shakespeare, got zero points. Scott Parker, if you would like to make

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your way to the chair. This chair sh Yeah, the Mastermind

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chair. The show we are doing now.

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Right, complete the title Strictly come... Match of the Day.

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Which 1982 film, told the life story of the Indian leader, Mahatma

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Gandhi? Bend it like Beckham? Gandhi.

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England and France are separated by which Channel? Sky Sports 1.

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David Cameron and George Osborne were famously members of which club?

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I know this one, I have seen them in there, it is China White's.

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The bulling den Club. You scored zero points.

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I did better than I expected. Michael Dawson, please.

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Oh, he's a big boy. Thank you.

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Your time starts now. Which elegant British bird is famous for having a

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long neck. Keira Nightly.

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A swan. Which prince is next in line to the thrown? Fresh Prince.

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The Amazon is famous for being the world's longest what? Website?

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River. Which is the smallest ant in the

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world? Ant out of Ant and Dec. Celebrity Big Brother was won by

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which blue entertainer? Papa Smurf? After that round, Michael, you have

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a total of zero points. It's a clean sheet! OK.

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The final competitor, Jack Wilshere, please.

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Quick as you can. Now, Jack, we really need you to get

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a point. Just one point, OK? Yep. Good boy.

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Had your tea? Yeah. Have you had a wee? Yeah.

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OK, your time starts now. Which yellow fruit is used to make

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lemonade? Pass. Lemons.

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Turkish Delights come from which country? Pass.

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Turkey! Which character is played by Daniel Radcliffe in the Harry Potter

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film? Pass. Harry Potter! The house of the American President, the White

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House, is painted which colour? Pass.

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White! In the popular sport, football, which you play, I have

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started so I will finish, in the popular sport, football, the act of

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one player kicking the ball to a team-mate is called a what? You know

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this, Jack, you do know it. You're right, shoot.

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It's pass! Which mean, at the end of today's show, Scott Parker, Michael

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Dawson and Jack Wilshere, are all on zero points.

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We did it! That is all for the first and probably the last, let's face

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it, Mastermind. Good night. How do you comfort someone who feels

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isolated and completely alone? For 65 years we were together all the

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time. What can you do help a family whose

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home has been destroyed? I couldn't stop shaking. Sorry.

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How would you make life easier for a mum struggling to buy food for her

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children? She is my life. I will keep eating for her.

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How can can you be there for someone battling mental illness? I thought I

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was worthless, that I didn't need to live anymore.

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What could you say to a child to make things better after they lose

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their mum? It is the hardest thing ever.

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Tonight, right here in the UK, there are thousands of people who need

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help. I am lighting my candle for my dad.

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I miss him lots and lots. The hardest thing is to know that

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she won't get better. Never mind. Sometimes it is hard to know the

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answer... To find the right words... Or to know what to do to make their

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lives any better... But 50% of all sport sport donation donations helps

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over 2,000 projects in the UK, dedicated to doing just that.

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I have bad day but I know now how to control them.

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Whether it is a hot meal... Or just a shoulder to cry on.

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Every penny donated tonight is going to I make a difference.

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It is going to help the people who really need it.

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Good boy. It will change lives.

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So now you now how to help... The rest is up to you.

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Thank you. It is not too late to make a

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difference. Please give whatever you can. You can choose to donate either

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?5 or ?10. Coming up now, four stars of the

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Paralympics G B team swap the track for the ballroom.

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From London, this is sport sport does Strictly Come Dancing. Please,

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welcome your host, Tess Daly! -- Sport Relief.

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Thank you very much, good evening and welcome to the very special

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Sport Relief, Strictly Come Dancing! Yes, we missed you so much we are

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back for one night only. Tonight we have four of the country's top

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Paralympians, swapping the track and field for the Strict Strictly

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ballroom. But tonight they are competing to

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get their hands on the glitterball medal, so let's meet them. I'm David

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Clarke. I play football for England and Great Britain. I am Martine

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Wright Wright. I am on the Great Britain's Women's volley ball team.

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I am Nathan Steven, I throw javelin for Great Britain. I am Hannah

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Willcox. It seems surreal. My dreams came true in 18. 5 seconds.

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A gold medal for Great Britain, Hannah Cockcroft! Mreeshgs welcome

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our dancers! Yes, they are here! The huge welcome

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to all of you. Good sequin action, Martine. They

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are going to be performing together tonight. The judges will be looking

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at their individual performances will stop the couple deemed to have

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danced the best will win the coveted glitter ball medal. Martine, as

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athletes, you are all very driven. All the think about the competition

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tonight? We have four Paralympic Games on the floor, so bring it on!

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Nathan, show us the guns! He is a strong boy! We need some glamorous

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judges to match the dancers, so welcome them! There they are. And

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you will notice we have a very special guest judge tonight, he has

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competed in four Paralympic Games and has won no less than ten gold

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medals! Dressage legend Lee Pearson! Welcome, judges. Lovely to see you

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all, as ever. Lee, have you been practising your dance critic? I am

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replacing a very strict person sat here. Just because you are in

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Craig's chair, doesn't mean you have to be horrible. Let's see how these

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competitive athletes got on in training.

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One was born, I had 2-macro cardiac arrests within 24 hours, the doctor

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said I would never walk. My ninth birthday, a freight train was going

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past, being the adventurous, silly child I was, decided to jump on one

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of the ladders. I slipped and my legs were caught under. I was born

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with congenital glaucoma. It deteriorated over time. I got on the

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cheap and then for about ten minutes after that, just had a huge white

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flash in front of my eyes. I thought we had had a crush, but it was one

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of the suicide bombers that decided to hit London that morning. I looked

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down after being in a coma, nothing was there. Because my legs had gone.

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I've lived all my life now with no legs, this is who I am. I don't

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figure I would be here talking to you if it wasn't for rediscovering

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sport again. Everything I have today, I owe it to sport. When I had

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legs, I would be the first one on the dance floor, to be able to dance

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again is absolutely amazing. My wife helped the danced on our wedding

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day, so my dance experience is about three minutes! I am restricted

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because I don't really know what to do. The someone who has no feet, I

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am addicted to shoes so I am intrigued to see what but where I am

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wearing and if I can keep them! -- what footwear. It is a good job he

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has the moves because he can scoot out of the way and it's all right! I

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text is one of my friends this morning and said my brain was

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frazzled, that's because I want to get it right. We had a view fly away

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legs early on. I had to watch myself! He is becoming a dancer. I

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can feel the world champion spirit. I feel I am getting a work-out being

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pulled around by you. He can't do a runner, can't be that bad! I never

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thought I would be able to get up on my legs and dance, it's an amazing

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feeling but the pain isn't! I was sceptical at the start of the week

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but I am enjoying it. Saturday night might be different from now on!

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Please welcome our competitors and their partners to the dance floor.

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That was absolutely brilliant. That was superb, and Olympic effort from

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all of you. But who is going to get gold? While you get your breath

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back, let's see what our judges thought. What did you make, Len?

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Tell you what, the music was fireworks and I thought there were

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plenty of fireworks going on out there. But I must talk a moment

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about Nathan. Personality. I tell you what, I thought you were

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terrific. Well done to you. Bruno, did it put you in a spin? My head is

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racing, like you have no idea! Didn't they all do well? Come on!

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You are all champions to my eyes. But somebody took my eye and it is

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you, Hannah! She went all touchy-feely, really participating

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in the performance. You are a hot chick, aren't you? Lee, it's your

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debut tonight as well as theirs, were you impressed? I didn't know

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what to expect, I did know whether it would be static or like wacky

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races gone mad, with the wheelchairs! Nathan might have the

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muscles but David managed a spectacular balanced powerful left.

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Superb! What did you think, Darcy? None of you showed any nerves but

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what stood out for me is Martine. I think you showed feeling and passion

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and all the way through, you focused on Ian and I understand what that's

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like, it's difficult take your eyes off Ian! Formidable team, those

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too. Great chemistry. We will leave you to confer and deliberate while

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you choose your winner. Hannah, you looked like you were genuinely

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loving every single moment of that, how much funded you have? It has

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been phenomenal, I have loved every second of it. David, as a

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footballer, was that one of the hardest things you have ever had to

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tackle? It was just incredible, we need to rumble why we have been

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working so hard, it's for Sport Relief, it's a privilege to be

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involved and working with this lady has been an absolute pleasure.

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Martine, how have you found it dancing and twirling on the dance

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floor? It has been amazing, the team has been fantastic. Whose dream

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wouldn't be swung round the dance floor by a six foot five dancer? I

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loved it! You haven't put him down! Just to rediscover dance again has

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been amazing. Now I will be the first one on that dance floor! All

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right! Nathan, do you think you did your wife proud? Does he get the

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thumbs up? Sums up? Congratulations! Right, it's time to see who is going

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to take home the Sport Relief middle.

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So our judges have conferred, head judge Len, have you chosen your

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champion? Yes, we have. Would you please reveal who the judges have

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chosen as your Sport Relief champion of 2014? Well, let me say, it was a

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very, very close run thing. You could make a case for any one of our

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four couples winning, but after a long debate, we have come to a

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decision. Our Sport Relief champions are... Hannah and Pasha!

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Come on over! How happy are you? I am amazed! I didn't notice that! You

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did brilliantly. Huge commiserations to the rest of you, have you had

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fun? Yes! Hannah and Pasha, if you would like to wear these glitter

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ball medals with pride... Congratulations. You the Sport

:27:08.:27:22.

Relief Strictly Come Dancing champions! Yes! Well done to our

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winners and a big thank you to all of our wonderful competitors. Thank

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you so much for taking part. You have been great sports. Thanks to

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you at home for watching and donating. Please give everything you

:27:39.:27:43.

can, it really will make a difference. Remember, keep giving!

:27:44.:27:49.

Could not! Two years ago I travelled to Sierra

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Leone, as we all know, it's a poor country that I went to one of the

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poorest areas. So many things there that shocked me, surprised become

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stayed with me for a very long time. I met an 11-year-old girl. Her story

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particularly moved me. Because some of the challenges she faced in her

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life, no child should have to face. Can you explain where we are?

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You can see why. What are your worries for the future? What are the

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things you worry about? You lost your sister and you worry

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you will die too? But since then, because of your donation, I've been

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told that things have changed, driementally in that little girl's

:29:09.:29:14.

life. Sport Relief-funded projects have

:29:15.:29:16.

helped her find a new home. They now have access to clean water,

:29:17.:29:41.

communal toilets, and the little girl is going to school.

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You're making the difference. These are the things that really, really

:29:58.:30:03.

matter. The good stories. The things that show you, you are changing

:30:04.:30:08.

lives, right now. Please keep your donations coming

:30:09.:30:13.

in. And remember, there is a smile somewhere waiting to happen.

:30:14.:30:26.

Thank you. The little girl's story show what is

:30:27.:30:33.

a huge difference you can make. Please pick up your phone and text:

:30:34.:30:42.

Coming up now, it is Clash of the Titans.

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Clash of the Titans! Tonight, it is all about one

:30:51.:31:13.

evening, and two men can stand face-to-face.

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I have heard that John Bishop is pretty competitive, but for me sport

:31:19.:31:22.

has always been about taking part... And the medals, the big gold, shiny

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medals. I think it is brilliant he has a

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couple of medals, just bear in mind, I could have won a race.

:31:32.:31:38.

Has he r won anything? Now it is time to settle this.

:31:39.:31:49.

At the end of the night we can go our separate ways.

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John doesn't stand a chance but don't tell him.

:31:55.:31:57.

The training looks like it has been o going well. It is tough. This is

:31:58.:32:03.

the halfway stage. You are doing all right. You are OK. You have your

:32:04.:32:06.

nose in front. . Yeah, the team has the nodes in

:32:07.:32:11.

front, but everyone will know I am disappointed by my performance. I

:32:12.:32:16.

feel I can contribute more. We have had e-mails saying that was

:32:17.:32:20.

appalling, the cycling, from Africa! So this the event to get my pride

:32:21.:32:26.

and self-esteem back. It is the sport I always think of you doing,

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rythmic gymnastics. Sebastian Coe, you have a bit to do? Yes, we have

:32:34.:32:39.

but this is the moment, come theeth the hour, cometh the team.

:32:40.:32:44.

That's not the first time you have said that to me, get your track suit

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off! Off you go! Seb, you have brought the Olympics to London, you

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are an MP, here you are been to do gymnastics in Lycra.

:33:00.:33:03.

Well, it is a really tough sport. I am not telling you that, you know,

:33:04.:33:08.

but we started training, this is complicated. It is all for a very

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good cause. . So dig deep.

:33:13.:33:19.

Sleep, do what the man says. Let's join our commentary team now.

:33:20.:33:26.

We have Much Fener and Christine Still.

:33:27.:33:29.

We are on the edge of our seats. Down there are three experienced

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rythmic gymnastic judges to assess the performances. Judging each team

:33:36.:33:40.

out of ten. The winning team gets the maximum points.

:33:41.:33:44.

I think this is going to be great. The heat is really on.

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It is time for the first performance. They look fabulous.

:33:48.:33:56.

Make some noise for Team Bishop! And they stride on to the mat. Full of

:33:57.:34:04.

confidence. Resplendent in Lycra.

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So, it is Team Bishop. What an opener.

:34:12.:34:18.

Yes, football skills to the forehere.

:34:19.:34:27.

And there is the mover of the trio. He snake, death row, great catch.

:34:28.:34:34.

Very good work. Oh, and Helen is on show with the ball there. She is

:34:35.:34:41.

away now. The action woman, really being

:34:42.:34:47.

tested here. A lofty throw and a nice pivot

:34:48.:34:54.

underneath. Well done, Helen. And here he comes. He is snaking his way

:34:55.:34:58.

through. Using that rhythm.

:34:59.:35:03.

He is preparing for the big throw. Well! Well, a little snag.

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And now for the big ending, she's missed 2! What a pity for Helen!

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Smiling through adversity. Well, that was a little bit of a

:35:23.:35:27.

disappointment. The aim is to finish with the apparatus, but what a

:35:28.:35:33.

great, expressive, fun performance that was. Nick Grimshaw took to that

:35:34.:35:41.

sport! Well, the snakes with the ribbon, then the throw, what do you

:35:42.:35:45.

think, Chris? Full of confidence. That throw was well-caught.

:35:46.:35:52.

The ball is probably one of the more difficult apparatus. A nice

:35:53.:35:56.

cartwheel there. And here is John Bishop, the man

:35:57.:36:01.

himself, snaking his way through with the ribbon. Look at the focus

:36:02.:36:05.

on the face. Look at the tight buttocks, the body

:36:06.:36:09.

was welcome perfect. I know but this is the thing that I

:36:10.:36:14.

care about the most. Cycling is one thing but this is what matters to

:36:15.:36:19.

me. We felt like one, me and the ribbon.

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I could not perform, watching you two! And natural? I think that

:36:26.:36:39.

gymnastics is so masculine. Helen, shame about the ball? That was

:36:40.:36:43.

intentional. Yes, throw the ball away at the end.

:36:44.:36:50.

Throw your ball away, throw your money away.

:36:51.:36:54.

Oh! Now, let's see if that made a difference, the scores are in.

:36:55.:37:01.

That's 23 out of 30. Are you happy with that? Look, we don't know. We

:37:02.:37:06.

don't know what the other team have got in their locker. All I can say

:37:07.:37:10.

is that I'm proud of her performance. If the judges are not

:37:11.:37:15.

up with the modern gymnastics, that is not my fault.

:37:16.:37:21.

You have set the benchmark very high. Let's see what the others have

:37:22.:37:29.

to offer. It is Team Coe! Now, look at the focus. The smile is gone. He

:37:30.:37:34.

is focussing on this. This is important for Seb and his team.

:37:35.:37:39.

They can see a little opportunity here.

:37:40.:37:48.

There we are. We're away. The ribbon and hoop in Unison.

:37:49.:37:54.

They will be hoping, oh, nice little turn from Olly Murs.

:37:55.:38:02.

And look at him move. He's loving it. High up on his feet.

:38:03.:38:14.

Pif pivots and a cartwheel to boot. Sally Phillips, looking good. And

:38:15.:38:20.

getting into it. A lively, vital performance here.

:38:21.:38:27.

Just what Team Coe needed. And now she kicks the hoop away.

:38:28.:38:32.

She doesn't care. Now here we are. Sebastian Coe with the focus.

:38:33.:38:37.

Stand by for something special. Look at that.

:38:38.:38:45.

There's a flourish. Snaking and spiralling his way to a good score,

:38:46.:38:50.

he hopes. Team Coe! That was impressive. A

:38:51.:38:55.

very impressive performance. They packed it in there. SebCoe showing

:38:56.:39:04.

his early training there, Much. Yes. Just as graceful there as he was on

:39:05.:39:10.

the track. And Olly Murs, a great favourite

:39:11.:39:14.

with the crowd. Lots of rhythm. Lots of moves.

:39:15.:39:18.

And Sally had a little problem but she enjoyed this bit.

:39:19.:39:22.

Yes, selling the routine as you would expect. It is all about the

:39:23.:39:27.

performance. Here come comes Seb with the trademark jump. Very

:39:28.:39:33.

steely, lots of confidence. Who knew that middle distance

:39:34.:39:37.

running was such great preparation for this sport.

:39:38.:39:42.

I was once described as the Nureyev of the track.

:39:43.:39:45.

Beautiful. Shall we see if it managed to get

:39:46.:39:53.

you the scores to beat Team Bishop. I understand that the judges have

:39:54.:39:58.

made their decision. Wow! Three nines! 27 out of 30.

:39:59.:40:07.

Well, that is an incredible result. An incredible result from the team.

:40:08.:40:10.

Let's see what the commentators have to say.

:40:11.:40:16.

Well, that was absolutely fabulous performance. Here are Team Coe

:40:17.:40:24.

taking the four points ahead of Team Bishop.

:40:25.:40:28.

This is the moment, give it up for Team Coe!

:40:29.:40:44.

John Bishop has stolen the trophy! John Bishop is still uncontrollable.

:40:45.:40:59.

We may never get the trophy back again. He has gone with the trophy.

:41:00.:41:03.

And finally, thank you to everyone here in the Aquatic Centre. And in

:41:04.:41:11.

the Velodrome, you have been a great support. He is back. He has put it

:41:12.:41:16.

into the hands to which it belongs. Thank you for watching.

:41:17.:41:20.

We are here at Wembley. We are about to try to sit on 45,000 seats.

:41:21.:41:25.

Myself and Robbie. When you are asked to do the

:41:26.:41:29.

challenge, you think it will be easy but when you see the seats it is

:41:30.:41:40.

horrendous mentally and physically. We're off! I didn't think it would

:41:41.:41:49.

be as hard as that but it is very, very difficult.

:41:50.:41:52.

When is the next break? Hard on the hips and the hands where you push

:41:53.:41:55.

off. Before the last break I was 12 seats

:41:56.:42:02.

ahead, but I think he is more. I expect him to be a few ahead. I am

:42:03.:42:07.

not looking forward to tomorrow one bit. It will be hard.

:42:08.:42:18.

Oh! This morning was horrendous. I was stiff, sore. I had to roll out

:42:19.:42:22.

of bed. I could not tie my shoe laces.

:42:23.:42:27.

It is a great view. Even better on Friday night when we have finished.

:42:28.:42:35.

Seat after seat after seat! At the moment, everything is hurting.

:42:36.:42:40.

It is a lot tougher challenge than people think. Sitting down all day,

:42:41.:42:48.

how easy can that be? Here is Sir Steven. Delighted another rest! I

:42:49.:42:53.

felt bad yesterday, I feel worse today.

:42:54.:42:57.

I felt like giving up today, but raising the money made me carry on!

:42:58.:43:08.

Come on, Chelsee! Ouch it is hurting! I am exhausted. Halfway.

:43:09.:43:15.

I wish I could say it is all downhill from now on.

:43:16.:43:22.

Today we are going to try to set a Guinness World Record for the most

:43:23.:43:26.

number of seats sat on in 60 seconds.

:43:27.:43:31.

Well done, Robbie, you just got a world record.

:43:32.:43:35.

When people talk about the magic of Wembley, you will not join in on

:43:36.:43:42.

that, will you? We are in pain here. But it is worth every single seat

:43:43.:43:48.

for the money we will raise. Another few thousand and seats to

:43:49.:43:51.

go. The end is in sight.

:43:52.:43:55.

Come on! OK, this is exciting. Another Sport

:43:56.:44:29.

Relief gym. Performing this pop classic for the first time when UK

:44:30.:44:36.

television in 25 years, this is Kylie Minogue!

:44:37.:44:52.

# Especially for you. # I wanna let you know what I was going though. #

:44:53.:45:04.

All the time we were apart. # I thought of you. # You were in my

:45:05.:45:17.

heart. # My love never changed. # I still feel the same. # Especially

:45:18.:45:25.

for you. # I wanna tell you I was feeling that way too. # And if

:45:26.:45:30.

dreams were wings, you know. # I would have flown to you. # To be

:45:31.:45:45.

where you are. # And now we're back together, together # I wanna show

:45:46.:45:50.

you my heart is oh so true # And all the love I have is # Especially for

:45:51.:45:54.

you # Especially for you # I wanna tell you you mean all the world to

:45:55.:45:56.

me # How I'm # For get the loneliness and the

:45:57.:46:36.

sorrow. # On did say it's all because of you

:46:37.:46:40.

and now were back together. # Together.

:46:41.:46:47.

# I want to show you my heart is oh so true.

:46:48.:46:52.

# And all the love I have is especially for you.

:46:53.:46:59.

# Together. # Together. Visit macro I want to

:47:00.:47:08.

show you my heart is oh so true. # And all the love I have is

:47:09.:47:10.

especially for you. APPLAUSE AND Little Mix travel to a hospital in

:47:11.:47:46.

Liberia to find out about one of Sport Relief's projects.

:47:47.:47:54.

In Liberia, we were lucky enough to meet some amazing kids. But

:47:55.:48:02.

unfortunately, we also met some kids for whom life is really, really

:48:03.:48:08.

tough. In this hospital, we learnt that malaria still kills a child in

:48:09.:48:15.

Africa every single minute. Malaria is the number one cause of death in

:48:16.:48:16.

this hospital. They are sick kids everywhere we

:48:17.:48:32.

look. Nearly all of them have illnesses that could easily have

:48:33.:48:36.

been prevented and now some of them are fighting for their lives.

:48:37.:48:48.

Many of these kids have got malaria because they didn't have a mosquito

:48:49.:48:57.

net to sleep under. Four-year-old Anthony has been admitted with a

:48:58.:49:01.

severe case of malaria. As the doctors tried to treat him, Anthony

:49:02.:49:06.

screams for his mum but all she can do is comfort him, wait and hope for

:49:07.:49:12.

the best because in some cases of malaria, the disease can affect the

:49:13.:49:13.

brain. The death rate is, for every ten you

:49:14.:49:19.

see, you may lose three or four. Nothing can prepare you for what you

:49:20.:49:51.

are going to see. It's so much to take in. Everybody should have a

:49:52.:49:57.

chance to experience this to themselves and see what these

:49:58.:50:01.

children have to go through. More than anything, it's frustrating. As

:50:02.:50:05.

much as we take things for granted, they can get given a mosquito net

:50:06.:50:09.

and it's done, there is no reason for them to get ill, losing three

:50:10.:50:14.

out of ten kids, there is no reason, because it's ?5 for an net.

:50:15.:50:22.

It's so hard to see. It's obviously a shock. But the worst thing is, for

:50:23.:50:29.

the mothers, it's not really a shock. It's almost as if they expect

:50:30.:50:30.

the worst. I think a lot of people think our

:50:31.:50:40.

generation don't do anything and this is a perfect example to change

:50:41.:50:45.

that. So please, please, give what you can. It really, really does

:50:46.:50:47.

help, ?5 can save a child is life. Now for the next best bit! Hello and

:50:48.:51:30.

welcome to a special addition. Mock The Week for Sport Relief. This

:51:31.:51:33.

round is called Between The Lines, and in it we feature Wimbledon hero

:51:34.:51:37.

and sporting legend Andy Murray delivering a speech as if at a press

:51:38.:51:40.

conference, and Hugh will tell us what he really means. The role of

:51:41.:51:44.

Andy Murray will be played by Andy Murray tonight. Take it away. Good

:51:45.:51:48.

evening, everyone. I can't tell you how desperate I was to be part of

:51:49.:51:52.

tonight's events. It was either this or another knock-up with Ivan Lendl

:51:53.:51:56.

and my mum. I hope that by joining in tonight I'll be able to show you

:51:57.:52:00.

the real me behind the public image. LAUGHTER.

:52:01.:52:04.

Sport Relief is a really worthwhile cause that I'm proud to be part of.

:52:05.:52:13.

It's a bit of a pain, innit? Tennis has enabled me to achieve things I

:52:14.:52:17.

could never have dreamt of. Have you seen my girlfriend? Eh?

:52:18.:52:28.

This is a great era for British tennis. This is a great era for

:52:29.:52:32.

Scottish tennis. I love playing in front of Wimbledon

:52:33.:52:42.

crowds and thank them for their support. Stop shouting "Come on,

:52:43.:52:47.

Tim!", for God's sake. I'm very proud to have done something that no

:52:48.:52:52.

Scotsman has ever achieved before. I'm very proud to be the first

:52:53.:52:56.

Scotsman to eat a banana on national television. I really can't thank my

:52:57.:53:06.

mum Judy enough. Since forgetting to give my mum a hug... After winning

:53:07.:53:10.

Wimbledon, she really can't remind me of it enough. It was great to win

:53:11.:53:22.

Wimbledon, , and the next thing is to knuckle down and go on to win

:53:23.:53:28.

even more. Job done. Party! At the end of that round, ladies and

:53:29.:53:32.

gentlemen, the points go to Hugh Dennis and Andy Murray!

:53:33.:53:37.

So here it is, stirring the second best looking David in show business,

:53:38.:53:43.

this is what happened when Beckham came to Peckham.

:53:44.:54:05.

Come along, come along, I am not contagious. This is a

:54:06.:54:11.

once-in-a-lifetime never to be repeated offer in top of the range

:54:12.:54:27.

of men's fashion. Now, listen, before you rush in and tear me limb

:54:28.:54:31.

from limb, and just to give you a better idea of what we're talking

:54:32.:54:35.

about, I have got my younger brother Rodney to model a pair for you.

:54:36.:54:40.

Rodney! Look at that. Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it, eh? These

:54:41.:54:45.

are 100% man-made cotton and they're fully elasticated. And as you can

:54:46.:54:50.

see, they've got a very handy button-up fly in case you're taken

:54:51.:54:54.

short. You know what I mean, don't you? Right. But just to show you

:54:55.:55:00.

what makes these very special, Rodney, turn around, if you please.

:55:01.:55:02.

Come on, don't be shy! Come on! Right! Here is the speciality.

:55:03.:55:17.

Da-da! Yes, each one of these has been personally signed by none other

:55:18.:55:22.

than Goldenballs himself. No, this is true, straight up. Because it

:55:23.:55:26.

just so happens that Becks is a personal friend of mine. Isn't he,

:55:27.:55:35.

Rodney? I'm going to kill you. He's a card, isn't he, eh? No, you see,

:55:36.:55:39.

he owed me a favour because it was me what arranged the bouncy castle

:55:40.:55:42.

for his son Brookside's 12th birthday party. You see... No, this

:55:43.:55:49.

is absolutely true, straight up! Now come on, this is a special offer,

:55:50.:55:52.

you won't see this again. They normally retail at ?10 but I'm

:55:53.:55:59.

knocking them out for you, ?4.50. Come on, ?4.50. Tell you what - two

:56:00.:56:06.

for ?9. Two for ?9. Any...? Come on. Let's clear up and get out of here,

:56:07.:56:10.

get down the caff, have a bacon sarnie, eh? You better take those

:56:11.:56:11.

off, you look like a right dipstick. MUSIC: "Waterloo Sunset" by the

:56:12.:56:20.

Kinks. That is the last time, Del. And I

:56:21.:56:38.

mean it this time. What are you moaning about now? That is the last

:56:39.:56:43.

time I let you talk me into degrading myself all for the sake of

:56:44.:56:47.

one of your little schemes. Look, Rodney, these are hard times. We've

:56:48.:56:50.

all got to make little sacrifices here and there. All right, then. If

:56:51.:56:57.

we've all got to make sacrifices, next time you can wear them. Don't

:56:58.:57:01.

be stupid! I've got a reputation to uphold. And did you at any moment

:57:02.:57:05.

think about MY reputation? Yes, I did. And that's why you're wearing

:57:06.:57:09.

them. You know, I honestly thought you'd changed. But no, you're just

:57:10.:57:13.

the same old Del, ploughing through life without the slightest

:57:14.:57:15.

consideration for anyone else's feelings. That hurts, Rodney. That

:57:16.:57:20.

really hurts. You just tell me one time, just one, when I have ignored

:57:21.:57:24.

you or hurt your feelings. And don't go on about that painting

:57:25.:57:29.

competition. Or the Peckham Pouncer. Or the time I turned the knob up on

:57:30.:57:33.

the sunbed and made your face go red. All right, then. What about

:57:34.:57:38.

when I was 11, and you and your mates was bored so you asked me to

:57:39.:57:43.

play hide and seek and I hid in that big chest thing you'd bought. Oh,

:57:44.:57:47.

yeah! That was a good place to hide. Nobody thought of looking in there,

:57:48.:57:51.

did they? No. And you all sodded off down the pub in the end, didn't you?

:57:52.:57:55.

Do you remember that? Yeah, well, we got fed up looking for you, didn't

:57:56.:58:00.

we? Four and a half hours, I was in that thing. Well...you took the game

:58:01.:58:04.

too seriously. We'd all finished playing by then. No-one thought to

:58:05.:58:08.

tell me, though, did they? No, because we didn't know where you was

:58:09.:58:12.

hiding! There was a dodgy lock on that thing. Well, how was I supposed

:58:13.:58:17.

to know that?! You fitted it! Oh, did I? I thought I was going to

:58:18.:58:21.

suffocate. Then why didn't you bang on the lid? Or shout, or something?

:58:22.:58:25.

Because then you would have known where I was hiding! All right,

:58:26.:58:29.

Rodney, look. I'm sorry that you got locked in that chest. But we've got

:58:30.:58:34.

more important matters to focus on, eh? Like the fact that we are

:58:35.:58:37.

currently lumbered with 200 pairs of men's pants that some git has

:58:38.:58:39.

scribbled over. What you looking at me for? You

:58:40.:58:55.

asked me to sign them. And if I asked you to go out into the high

:58:56.:58:59.

street wearing a sarong, would you? Well... It's all right, David, he's

:59:00.:59:06.

not blaming you. Are you, Del. Yes. All right, he is blaming you. I just

:59:07.:59:10.

don't know what the world is coming to. Really, I don't. Here I am, an

:59:11.:59:13.

ex-multi-millionaire... "Ex" being the operative word there. And I've

:59:14.:59:18.

got you, with two GCEs, and a footballing legend who makes Boycie

:59:19.:59:21.

look like a pauper, and we can't flog a pair of pants between us!

:59:22.:59:26.

Boxer-briefs. What? They're boxer-briefs. What are? The pants!

:59:27.:59:33.

Well, that's what I said. What is he on about? I'm just glad that we're

:59:34.:59:38.

not in that Dragons' Den, because God knows what Alec Sugar would have

:59:39.:59:42.

made of all this. It was your idea to have Rodney model them. Oh, so

:59:43.:59:47.

it's my fault now, is it? Look, I didn't want to wear the stupid

:59:48.:59:50.

bloody things in the first place. Oh, shut up, you tart. You know,

:59:51.:59:56.

he's got a point there, Rodney. You could have shown a bit more

:59:57.:00:01.

enthusiasm. It's always been your problem, that has. In case you two

:00:02.:00:03.

hadn't noticed, I am not an underwear model. I am a middle-aged

:00:04.:00:09.

fly-pitcher who drives a three-wheel van, and above all else, I do not

:00:10.:00:17.

look like that. It's just any old excuse with you, though, isn't it,

:00:18.:00:22.

eh? Anyway, I only suggested you do it because he wouldn't. But Del, I

:00:23.:00:27.

can't go walking around in public in just my underwear. The last time I

:00:28.:00:33.

did that, Fergie almost killed me. Anyway, why are you wearing them

:00:34.:00:41.

glasses? These? Yeah. To be honest, I thought that, you know, if I was

:00:42.:00:44.

to wear these, no-one would recognise me, and I could be a

:00:45.:00:48.

little bit, you know...incognitive. Yeah. Good thinking. Rodders, have

:00:49.:00:56.

you really got two GCEs? Yeah. I've got one in maths and one in art. I

:00:57.:01:03.

love art. Yeah, it's good, innit? Who's your favourite artist? That's

:01:04.:01:07.

a tough one. Er, I'd probably have to say Matisse, because I don't

:01:08.:01:11.

think anyone could get near the way he could convey intensity through

:01:12.:01:14.

the use of pure colour, you know? I mean, Matisse did for colour what

:01:15.:01:18.

Picasso did for form. How about you? I love Tony Hart. That Morph cracks

:01:19.:01:20.

me up. Are you two all done? Oh, yeah. OK,

:01:21.:01:34.

can we get back to our problem? Now, I think, at the end of the day,

:01:35.:01:38.

we're going to have to accept that we are in a classic case of bouchee

:01:39.:01:43.

a la Rene, as they say in the Alsack. Why don't you get Damien to

:01:44.:01:51.

model them? He's young. Rodney, do you really expect me to ask my son

:01:52.:01:55.

to go and stand in the market out there looking like a slab of meat

:01:56.:01:59.

while people gawp at him? I mean, that kind of humiliation could scar

:02:00.:02:03.

him for the rest of his life. You're already scarred, so one more

:02:04.:02:09.

wouldn't hurt, you see. What about Trigger? Hmm? Oh, leave it out.

:02:10.:02:15.

Asking Trigger for help's like asking Ozzy Osbourne to look after

:02:16.:02:19.

your bats. I'm sorry, Rodney, but you are stuck with the pants.

:02:20.:02:25.

Cosmic. You see, Rodney, most people think modelling is all about

:02:26.:02:28.

standing there looking great. But it isn't! Actually, it is, but there's

:02:29.:02:34.

more to it than that. Ah, now, listen, Rodney. This is the horse's

:02:35.:02:40.

mouth speaking. Just remember - a good model doesn't just walk... He

:02:41.:02:45.

glides. A good model doesn't just turn... They oscillate. Glides.

:02:46.:02:54.

Yeah. Oscillates. Exactly. Right, come on, gather round,

:02:55.:03:04.

everybody! Get closer, come on, darling. Look at this. Look at the

:03:05.:03:08.

attention to detail here. Look at the craftsmanship. You don't get

:03:09.:03:13.

that care and love in underpants these days, do you? Derek... Hmm? I

:03:14.:03:26.

am going to kill you. Are you David Beckham? I am! But don't tell

:03:27.:03:31.

anyone. I don't want to draw any attention to myself, all right? OK.

:03:32.:03:34.

Good boy. She's past the American. She's

:03:35.:04:22.

unbeatable. It is an enormous world record. .

:04:23.:04:28.

Being a disabled person born in the UK, I have never let my disability

:04:29.:04:32.

hold me back, but for young disabled people in this village in Uganda,

:04:33.:04:39.

life is different. This Blue Peter. He is 16 years old. When he was

:04:40.:04:47.

younger he had polio, it caused his legs to weaken so he cannot walk.

:04:48.:04:53.

Blue Peter is looked after business his grandmother. His mum and dad

:04:54.:04:57.

died when they were younger. What are the main challenges you

:04:58.:05:00.

face being a person with a disability? I want to move to other

:05:01.:05:05.

places as my brothers do, but I am not able to.

:05:06.:05:10.

To see, to explore? Yes, I can't explore as others do.

:05:11.:05:13.

When you were younger did you participate in sport? I had no

:05:14.:05:14.

chance. Have you heard of the par limb

:05:15.:05:33.

snicks I have heard about it. . -- have you heard of the

:05:34.:05:41.

Paralympics. Blue Peter has had to struggle every

:05:42.:05:45.

day of his life, but your money is changing this. This is a centre for

:05:46.:05:49.

rehabilitation that has recently opened in Blue Peter's village.

:05:50.:05:53.

Here, the children with disabilities can take part in fun and educational

:05:54.:05:57.

activities together. This is the first time that Blue Peter has

:05:58.:06:01.

visited the project. For him, this is life-changing.

:06:02.:06:04.

Please help us give disabled young people like Blue Peter, the support

:06:05.:06:08.

that they need to live a full and happy life.

:06:09.:06:15.

Well that's it for the best bits, but our text lines are still very

:06:16.:06:23.

much open. You can choose to donate ?5 or ?10.

:06:24.:06:46.

Sport Relief turns tomorrow at 1. 15 on BBC One.

:06:47.:06:55.

Join me live at the Queen Elizabeth Olympic Park. Finally, thank you

:06:56.:07:02.

very much, you made last night the greatest day after for Sport Relief.

:07:03.:07:08.

Another exciting day in the Premier League. The title race is hotting

:07:09.:07:11.

up. It is the perfect appetiser to the main course. England at the

:07:12.:07:18.

World Cup. Good night. We are off air. It is a clear,

:07:19.:07:22.

everybody. Here we go, every year it is the

:07:23.:07:27.

same, England this, England that. They have never won anything, and by

:07:28.:07:31.

the looks of the group, they never well.

:07:32.:07:36.

Well, at least with we qualified, unlike Scotland and Wales and the

:07:37.:07:39.

Republic of Ireland. That may be true but the only thing

:07:40.:07:44.

we could come back with is an all-over tan. I remember England

:07:45.:07:54.

when he was putting his World Cup chart up.

:07:55.:07:58.

I have an idea. I have a song to inspire the nation. A song that can

:07:59.:08:04.

have the fans singing on the terraces. Helping to ensure that

:08:05.:08:11.

England do win the 2014 World Cup. What joke that is! I will bring

:08:12.:08:25.

together legendary musicians. It will like Band Aid.

:08:26.:08:31.

We can do it for Sport Relief. We can always use the charity card.

:08:32.:08:36.

But Gary, you know nothing about making records? But I know a Gary

:08:37.:08:43.

who does, the legend that is Gary Barlow.

:08:44.:08:48.

You know Gary Barlow? Yes, of course, all the showbiz Garies do!

:08:49.:08:55.

Prove it. I'll call him. Hello.

:08:56.:09:00.

Gary it is Gary. Hiya, Gary.

:09:01.:09:03.

What you up to? Chilling out, really. Laying down some tracks.

:09:04.:09:13.

That is cool, bro, it sounds dench. You what? What are you talking

:09:14.:09:16.

about. I am putting together an England

:09:17.:09:21.

World Cup song. I need your no-how. Can you help me.

:09:22.:09:24.

I would do anything for Sport Relief but you have to help me in return.

:09:25.:09:30.

You want the World Cup tickets? I will sort that out for you.

:09:31.:09:44.

No, can you get my Alan Hansen's egra p, h. This literally could be

:09:45.:10:04.

Sport Relief's Greatest Day. # Today this could be # The greatest

:10:05.:10:09.

day of our lives # Before it all ends # Before we run out of time #

:10:10.:10:14.

Stay close to me # Stay close to me # Watch the world come alive tonight

:10:15.:10:18.

# Stay close to me # Tonight this could be the greatest night of our

:10:19.:10:22.

lives # Let's make a new start # The future is ours to find # Can you see

:10:23.:10:33.

it, can you see it in my eyes? I'm not looking forward to tomorrow one

:10:34.:10:37.

bit. It will be hard. # Tonight this could be the greatest

:10:38.:10:43.

nights of our lives # Let's make a new start There we

:10:44.:10:57.

are, done. # Can you see there

:10:58.:11:02.

# Can you see that in my eyes # Can you feel it now

:11:03.:11:08.

# Can you hold it in your eyes. Job done, party!

:11:09.:11:13.

# Hold on # Hold on hold on

:11:14.:11:27.

# Hold on # Stay close to me

:11:28.:11:31.

# Hold on # Stay close to me

:11:32.:11:38.

# Watch the WorldCom alive tonight # Stay close to me... It's a

:11:39.:11:46.

wonderful goal! #Hold your head high

:11:47.:11:57.

# When the world starts to come alive

:11:58.:12:01.

# When you stay close to me # Today this could be

:12:02.:12:10.

# The greatest day of our lives # Today this could be

:12:11.:12:19.

# The greatest day of our lives #... They have done so well. I am

:12:20.:12:24.

proud of all of them. # Hold on tonight

:12:25.:12:30.

# And the WorldComs alive # And the WorldComs alive

:12:31.:12:39.

# Stay close to me # Stay close to me

:12:40.:12:50.

# Watch the WorldCom alive tonight # Stay close to me... Delighted.

:12:51.:12:57.

Sport Relief's grand total for tonight is...

:12:58.:13:09.

# Stay close to me # Today this could be the greatest

:13:10.:13:27.

day of our live lives Some people are on the #3i67, they think it is

:13:28.:13:31.

all over. It is now.

:13:32.:13:37.

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