Episode 7 Celebrity Antiques Road Trip

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'The nation's favourite celebrities, one antiques expert each...

Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

'..and one big challenge -

'who can seek out and buy the best antiques at the very best prices?'

Have you got a part in panto yet?

'An auction for a big profit further down the road.

'Who will spot the good investments? Who will listen to advice?

'And who will be the first to say, "Don't you know who I am?"

'Time to put your pedal to the metal.

'This is the Celebrity Antiques Road Trip, yeah!'

'Joining us on the Celebrity Road Trip tonight

'are two legends of the sporting world, currently hurtling through East Sussex in a 1961 Ford Zephyr.'

-Has it got an electric button to put the roof up?

-Yes!

It's called me, is it?

'Allow me to introduce a man some call the bad boy of English cricket.

'He's spin-bowling god, Phil Tufnell -

'Tuffers, to his friends.

'Phil's gone on to dominate the airwaves.

'Everything from being a team captain on A Question Of Sport...'

Have I heard of Johnny Moustache? That can't be right!

'..to donning sequins, sparkles and spray tan

'in order to go Strictly Come Dancing.

'Phil's opponent on this leg is sports presenter Chris Hollins.'

-Do you know about antiques?

-I'm not bad.

-I know what doesn't work.

-What doesn't work?

-Massive bits of furniture.

-Brown furniture.

-It can be any colour!

'Chris comes from a footballing family.

'After playing for Queen's Park Rangers,

'he opted for a career on the telly.

'As well as being on BBC Breakfast,

'he's also gone head-to-head with Tuffers on Strictly.

'On that occasion,

'Chris was ultimately crowned the winner.

'Today, it's time for the rematch.

'We've given them £400 each and two days

'to turn as much profit as possible.

'Fear not, our experts will be showing them the ropes.

'Welcome aboard, Phil Serrell and Thomas Plant,

'who love this 1967 Triumph Vitesse.'

Tom, it might now be time to put the windscreen wipers on.

-Or are they on?

-I don't know where they are!

No. That's the indicator.

I don't know what this is.

-That's the ejector seat. Don't press that.

-OK.

'Philip Serrell started his working life as a geography and PE teacher,

'and freely admits his skills were even worse than his jokes.

'Thus, the move into antiques.'

-It's a glorious summer's day.

-Oh! We're so lucky!

It could be REALLY raining, as opposed to JUST raining.

Being a Plant, I love the rain.

'Ha! Thomas Plant is a fount of all knowledge,

'but did you know he's also a lifelong fan of James Bond?

'Which is reflected in his hobbies - skiing, fencing

'and carrying out secret missions for the government.

'We made the last bit up,

'although it IS time to get today's mission under way.

'We're kicking off this road trip on Britain's southeast coast.

'After a bit of to-ing and fro-ing, we're going to auction in Chiswick.

'Oh, no! First stop, the historic town of Hastings,

'which is, of course, synonymous with the year 1066 and all that.

'Although, truth be told, the Battle of Hastings

'actually happened six miles down the road at Senlac Hill.

'Though it was here the Normans set up camp

'for what would be the last invasion of the British Isles to succeed.

'Since then, the invaders have mainly been tourists.'

-I'm looking forward to this. I love the seaside.

-Do you?

-Yeah.

-Will you buy me a stick of rock?

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Eugh. I hate rock.

'Hang on, Thomas. The worst is yet to come.

'Philip also likes romantic walks along the beach.'

-Is that David Hasselhoff?

-It is.

-That means Pamela Anderson's here.

'Settle down, boys. Maybe in series two.

'Right now, it's up to you to mentor Tuffers and Chris Hollins

'on how best to spend their £400.

'Who's going to be with whom?'

Nice to see you. How are you, mate?

-We need to be educated!

-You've got the wrong blokes!

Really got the wrong blokes.

-We need to make money.

-Might have the right blokes there.

Who's going with who?

-I'm a bit of a cricket fan.

-Phil.

You've picked the right man!

-And why are we together?

-THOMAS: You're a dancer.

-Yes.

-My old man's a dancer, a tango man.

-He's not a bad dancer, either!

-Leave me out of this.

-See ya later.

-Bye.

'Now that's sorted,

'let's get this party started.'

LAUGHTER

How are you at dealing, doing a deal? Are you hard?

-Do you want me to play good cop or bad cop?

-It's up to you.

-I'll try and get nasty.

-Really? You want to play bad cop?

"No. Sorry. NO!"

'As for the two Phils, they're not mucking about, either.

'They have £400 and are determined to spend it.'

-I like that.

-That's nice.

'Well, that was fast.'

-The little trolley in the front, how much is that?

-That is 350. >

350? Do you know what it is?

-Some sort of porter's wagon.

-A nut trolley.

'Truly, it is. It's from an American nut factory.

'David says he sells one a week as they make a nice coffee table.'

You can't do a lot better than that?

We're poor. He's from Surrey. I'm from Worcestershire.

When you walked in, I felt sorry for you. You can have it for 300.

-It is a bit barmy. I like the barmy stuff.

-I do.

'Me too. Though at £300, it's a bit of a gamble.'

Are you going to shoot me? At auction, it'll make 150, 250?

-Well, we've sent one to auction.

-Where'd it go?

-450.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Where'd it go?

-Battle.

-But you see, we're not going there.

-I can't help that, though, can I?

'Uh-oh. They're tough in Hastings.

'Time for Phil to pull something out of his negotiating bag of tricks.'

-Shame you're not into jewellery. >

-We might have a look in a minute.

What was the v... If we could do that for one and a half?

-How much cash have we got?

-Turn round a minute.

-We've got to buy two or three.

-Hold on a minute.

-40 quid, we've got.

-40 quid.

-Jewellery's where you've got to go. >

-Not trolleys?

I can get four and a half at auction for them. Have a look here. >

We want the trolley.

'Thomas and Chris have just arrived at Coach House Antiques.'

-Uniform. I like a...

-You like a uniform do you?

-Not in that way!

'Naughty.'

-Hello.

-Ah, hello.

-I'm Thomas.

-I'm Richard.

-I'm Chris.

-Hello, Chris.

-Can we look round?

-You're very welcome.

'So, as bad cop and, um...good cop...'

Ello, 'ello, 'ello!

'..investigate the merchandise,

'they find themselves strangely drawn to this offender.'

-You've got to shake his hand but squeeze it.

-Right.

Jealous!

'OK, then. Thomas's turn.'

Go for it.

-It's quite a tough handshake.

-It is.

Cold fish! LAUGHS

'Nonsense, Thomas. I would have said you're at least tepid.

'But let's talk about the two Phils,

'who are having a hard time walking away from that £300 nut trolley.'

-I could see that in some swanky...

-Yeah.

Couple of glasses of champagne on it, a few Vogue magazines.

I agree with you wholeheartedly,

but you've got to look at this in a saleroom, on the floor,

underneath a trestle table.

Could you see that taking off?

A couple of people really wanting it?

If a few people really fancy that as a coffee table,

you can see it making 400, 420, can't you?

But the issue is, if they're not there, that's 120 quid.

'So, the moral of this story -

'forget the trolley and look for something else.'

We're going to make you an offer.

-£200. Can we buy it off you for 200 quid?

-I cannot do it?

That is my bottom line. >

-Do you like it?

-I do like it.

Well, look...

-220.

-That's me going off on one. 220.

220. No. Can't do it.

I'll tell you what I will do.

That's it. No less.

What are we at? There's 230 there.

-Come on. Tuffers, come on.

-I can't do it.

Come on.

-We'd love you for ever.

-You wouldn't. You'll forget about me.

-We won't.

-This is ingrained in our memory.

-Who wants the sweaty hand?

-He can.

'Thank goodness for that!

'Trust those two to make a big production of it all and flimflam.

'Thomas and Chris, on the other hand, are thinking military theme.'

These are First World War death plaques,

or the death penny.

These are awarded to the family, actually.

The soldier got his medals.

These were sent with the medals to the next of kin.

"He died for freedom and honour."

The really valuable ones are when they say "she" instead of "he".

-Cos nurses died as well.

-Sure.

The interest in the First World War has gone stratospheric.

It's only going to carry on going stratospheric,

I'd say, for the next good six, eight years, definitely.

And beyond, because we're coming up to the 100 year anniversary.

'World War I was also the last campaign

'when memorial plaques such as these were inscribed

'with the recipient's name.

'And with all this choice, with detailed research on each soldier,

'the boys have a hard decision to make.'

This guy is called Fred Hagger, in the Cheshire Regiment,

died Flanders, 29th March 1917.

-Have we got his age?

-Yes. 35.

-35.

-He's married.

-A year younger than me.

He's a carpenter.

He had three children. Dear, oh, dear.

From Hertfordshire, and says Flanders.

1917, Flanders - Ypres, Battle of Passchendaele. Pretty hard core.

-I feel as if I know him now.

-To have all that, I think is quite nice.

-Do you want to go for that?

-I would like to go for that.

-I think so.

It's sombre, but worth a punt.

'There's no doubting these plaques are highly collectable,

'so it comes down to price which, on the ticket,

'is at least £75.'

There is always potential profit in these,

but it all depends on what you can do movement-wise.

-Well, I've seen them sell for £100.

-Yeah, so have I.

Obviously, I'm looking for a really good deal.

-LAUGHS

-£60 is the best.

-Really?

-Yes.

-50?

-No.

-Go on!

-No!

-Halfway.

-No. 65, then.

No, don't be like that! Don't be like that!

-55, then. That's the death.

-Is that the death?

-That is the death on the death plate.

-I've been to Wimbledon.

I've watched tennis and I've been back and forth, watching that.

That was like watching the final. My neck's gone.

I actually, really, really like those.

There's a story behind it. I love a bit of history.

I've been to quite a few auction houses

and I've never seen one - makes me excited.

'Having bought all of one item,

'the Phils are taking a break and heading east.

'The next stop is the town of Hove,

'often described by visitors as Brighton,

'which is followed with the locals' catchphrase,

'"Hove, actually."

'Not only is England's southeast coast the birthplace of cricket,

'in Hove, you'll also find world renowned cricket bat makers Newbery,

'where the bats are still finished by hand.

'Naturally, these two can't resist a visit.'

I'm really, really looking forward to this.

'While cricket dates back

'to at least the year 1300, this story begins with John Newbery,

'who learned from his father, Len, how to make the perfect cricket bat,

'then passed those skills on to Tim Keeley, who now runs the show.'

-Hello, mate.

-Hello, Phil. Nice to see you.

-I'm not arguing with you!

-This is for testing the bats.

-Come in and have a look, boys.

-I will.

'Not only is Tim the master bat-maker,

'he's personally made an incredible half a million bats! Must be batty!'

I used to be a really bad cricketer.

-Same here!

-No, bad batter!

I was told that the test or the gauge of a good bat

is you count the number of grains in the face.

Generally, if cricket bats have got nice tight grains,

they perform a lot better - that's what this hammer's for in my pocket.

If you pick up a cricket bat and listen to the sound of it.

THUDS That's a good sound.

Beautiful sound. Mellow.

Listen to this one. Little higher pitched.

The other one would be a better bat.

'As for the most important question, how is a cricket bat made?

'Well, allow me.

'First step, saw down a willow tree.

'Then, place in the drying kiln and wait 12 weeks.'

CLOCK TICKS AND ELEVATOR MUSIC PLAYS

'Once the willow is dry,

'it needs to be shaped.'

I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready!

'Speaking of which, up until the 18th century,

'a cricket bat used to be shaped like a hockey stick.

'I'm a mine of information! I can read.'

-Beautiful. Look at the grain on this!

-That's a good stick.

These are both beautiful sticks.

'Next, it's compressed, to make the timber tougher.'

-This machine is squashing the fibres down.

-Yeah.

-This gives it its performance.

-Afterwards, what happens next?

'Well, Philip, then it's time for the handle,

'which is a combination of Manila cane and rubber,

'making it utterly flexible.

'Then it's spliced together, requiring animal glue and a hammer.'

There you go, Phil.

-Look at that.

-Ready to go.

A little tacky. It'll be ready tomorrow for bat-making.

-That's where the proper work starts.

-When the hand-making comes in, yeah.

'That's because the key to a modern cricket bat is weight distribution,

'something John Newbery helped pioneer in the 1970s.'

-Look at that!

-Not sure what sort of shape you want, lads.

If I emphasise the shape on this bat

to take some of the weight out of the toe, so the bat picks up better.

That's how we do that.

-Would you like a go, Phil?

-Love to.

Take some weight out. Mind those edges.

I used to be a silversmith. I like working with my hands.

-Little bit down the middle?

-Take a little bit out the middle.

'And if you thought it looked easy, Tuffers clearly demonstrates...

'..that it isn't.'

It's one of those fantastic English skills, like coracle making.

-This would take some years to learn, the process of cricket bat making.

-Who follows you?

Phil's going well. I've got my eye on him. He can come back any time.

-You need to keep your eye on him.

-I'm done there. Not a bad job.

We could have done with a little bit lighter but this will suit somebody.

-We'll leave it like that.

-There's someone with their name on it.

'Perhaps someone with a wood burner.

'Back in Hastings, Thomas and Chris have done the deal,

'but haven't decided which memorial plaque to buy.

'Now they're going off on a tangent. Uh-oh.'

That's a Christmas box from the First World War,

given by Princess Mary to the troops.

These are the sort of things I absolutely love.

Not in a morbid way. This is a box that every single soldier would get?

Every single soldier got, Christmas 1914.

-In here, you'd have a pouch of rolling tobacco.

-Yeah.

A pouch of cigarettes, fags.

Some of them had a pencil in there, which was a 303 round.

You take off the shell and it's got a pencil in.

And a card from Princess Mary.

'There was another item - chocolate.

'If you ask me, the Christmas tin is well worth considering.'

-That's extraordinary.

-It is.

It's a nice thing to add with it, if you want to add it on to the lot.

'Good idea, but there's still debate over which one to buy.'

Chris is quite keen on this one here.

This is Lance Corporal James Patterson Tinning from Durham.

He enrolled at 17.

-And sadly died at 19.

-That's so unfair.

-13th November, he dies two days after the Armistice.

-That's right.

The trouble is, because it's become a personal story,

I almost don't care about value

because I'm getting to know these individuals.

-You could have two for 100.

-Well, that's a good deal, isn't it?

-If we had them both, would you throw that in?

-No!

-Yes!

-No!

Two for 100 and that for a tenner.

Do the whole lot for 100 quid.

In the middle. 105, that's it.

-I've ended up on your side.

-Why's that?

-I got confused halfway through.

£100.

-And five.

-And...

Argh! ..five pounds.

105. Done.

-Thank you very much, indeed.

-CHUCKLING:

-OK.

'And with that, good cop and bad cop are ready to call it a day.

'With everything to play for, day two sees our experts...

'Hang on. That's not them!

'There they are. ..and our celebrities raring to go.

'Believe me, the boys are full of competitive spirit.'

Spent quite a few quid on our first item.

-Have you?

-So it could be shot down in flames or do well.

-You like a bit of a gamble.

-I like a bit of a gamble!

I learnt a lot yesterday.

Every time I pick up something, Thomas gives me one of those looks.

-"Put it down, you fool!"

-Yeah.

What I like about him, he really tries to strike a hard bargain.

THOMAS: We're playing this good cop, bad cop thing.

I'm quite hard a negotiator and he's quite soft.

Tuffers and I have a different approach. We're bad cop, bad cop.

-Neither of us know what we're doing.

-THOMAS CHUCKLES

'Well, Philip, that explains everything as, so far,

'you and Tuffers have spent £230 on one lot,

'the infamous nut trolley-cum-coffee table.'

Get on there! Tuffers!

'Chris and Thomas have held the purse strings a little tighter,

'parting with £105 for their World War I collection.'

105. Done!

'So, it's still anybody's game, and round two starts now.'

-Thomas, you just stroked my thigh.

-Did you like it?

-It was rather nice.

'Enough of that, thanks.

'Having begun in Hastings and moved on to Hove,

'we're meant to be en route to the town of Rye.

'Instead, Thomas and Chris are headed back to Hastings.

'Confused? Don't be.

'After all, how can the boys resist a visit to the Hastings museum

'which celebrates a British hero,

'John Logie Baird, the man who invented television?'

-Hello. I'm Thomas.

-Pleased to meet you, Thomas.

-I'm Chris.

-Hi, Chris.

-Nice to see you.

'Originally from Scotland, Baird moved to Hastings to convalesce

'after a long bout of ill health.

'Despite being strapped for cash, he began to experiment,

'building the world's first working television

'out of a hatbox, a pair of scissors and a used tea chest.'

This is how it all came together?

This is a replica of the machine

he was playing with when he got it to work, in Hastings.

People say, "He made it from hatboxes and knitting needles."

-And he did. You can see there's a bicycle gear.

-Yeah!

He had very little money.

A guy in London, a Mr Day, was a cinema and radio entrepreneur.

He sent lots of bits and pieces that Baird needed,

including a secret light cell, a really important part of equipment.

'Sure enough, on October 2 1925, Baird successfully transmitted

'the first TV picture -

'the head of a ventriloquist's dummy, named Stookey Bill.'

-How did people react to it?

-They loved it. They were intrigued by it.

Within a couple of years of leaving Hastings, he was demonstrating it in Selfridges department store.

People would queue up to see themselves on TV.

It made me laugh when you said people were fascinated that they could see themselves on television.

It still happens! I'm broadcasting and people in the background go...!

"I'm on telly!" It still happens!

'Baird's next move was seeking publicity on a national scale.

'When he approached the Daily Express,

'the editor assumed him to be a lunatic.

'The canny Scot was undeterred

'and within two years, he achieved another first -

'transmitting a television signal long distance.

'It seemed like all things were possible.'

-I think I know what it is. Just confirm it.

-It's the first telly.

It's dated on here, 1930. When did he do his first experiment?

1924, he's starting to succeed, so it's just a few years.

So, six years, and we're in production.

-Absolutely.

-Made by...?

A professional company who'd taken over his work by then.

They were selling these for about £30.

You might be earning £3 or £4 a week, so quite a big investment.

You say he was an entrepreneur.

He invented one of the most popular things to hit the modern world.

-Did he make any money out of it?

-Baird, not really.

To go from that to the next step up required a huge investment.

That's when the investors moved in. It becomes Baird Television Ltd.

There was a point when he was thrown off the board. He wasn't moving in the direction they wanted to go.

'With the outbreak of war in 1939, television broadcasting in Britain

'was completely shut down and Baird's company went bankrupt.

'But he continued to refine the technology up to his death in 1946.'

He'd experimented with and demonstrated colour television,

-high resolution television and even 3-D television.

-No?

-No way?

-Successful.

So he saw the whole thing. He saw it happen.

-3-D TV. No way!

-Absolutely.

'Without a doubt, John Logie Baird was a man ahead of his time.

'Not only are his innovations still shaping our favourite entertainment,

'but thanks to him, I'm on at least five nights a week! Ha-ha!

'Our next stop - the ancient town of Rye,

'which from the Middle Ages, was one of Britain's most historic ports.

'For more than 300 years, from this vantage point

'England defended its borders against everyone from Viking invaders to the French.

'When the war ships moved out, the smugglers moved in.

'What better place to send this group of rogues...'

-Are we ready to go? Round two.

-We'll go this way, you go that way.

'..who will plunder the many antique shops?

'Starting with Strand Quay Antiques,

'where the two Phils are all about strategy.'

-What's our plan then, Phil?

-The plan, Tuffers, is we haven't got a plan.

'Told you so.'

-Silver forks!

-Really?

-I used to be a silversmith.

My first job I got was, I went down into the workshop

and there must have been about 2,000 of these,

all with the prongs bent.

My old man said, "First job, you've got to straighten all the prongs,

"then file the ends,

"then put a file across the top."

-We don't want them.

-I'm interested.

-I've had my fill of silver forks.

'Fair enough. As Phil Serrell scans the shelves of this lovely store,

'the neurons begin firing.'

-I've just come up with a plan.

-Yeah.

-We should buy something sporting.

Have you got anything sporting, my love? Cricket bats?

Footballs, rugby balls.

-I've got some bowls.

-Bowls.

-Bowls? Bowls!

'Bowls! Thank goodness for Kim!'

-Let's plonk them on here.

-I like those.

-These are lignum vitae.

-Sorry?

Lignum vitae, "tree of life".

Now, there's a story.

They used to scrape the bark off this tree and drink it as tea.

The natives used to reckon it cured certain antisocial diseases

-that sailors took there.

-Oh, OK.

-Have you got the white, the jack?

-No.

I'll tell you what the real pity is. This is only half a set.

That's number one.

That's number two, three and four.

-There should be two ones, two twos...

-I have got the others.

-Where are they?

-In the other shop.

-The other shop?

-Yes.

How much are these?

Ouch! "£48, basket not included."

'Yes, indeed. And the rest of the set...

'Cue Kim's husband, Richard.'

Thank you, darling. Lovely.

'Something he's laid earlier.

'And we're looking at around £100,

'which means it's once again time for Philip Serrell's bag of tricks.'

-It's all down to price for us.

-These ones were 65.

So £100 for the five. We couldn't do that.

-We could do half that.

-Oh, no! I've got to make something on them.

Um...

What about...

80?

-We'll make you our best shot, one-off deal.

-Go on.

Best shot. This is a one-off deal.

-Once and only!

-There's two.

There's four. And I'm afraid, that's going to be it.

-That's going to be it?

-60 quid.

Oh, dear!

'No. Not "dear". Expensive.

'It may be time for the old

'"I know you've got to make a profit but..." speech.'

I know you've got to make a profit, but honestly, I think...

Where I'm coming from is this.

I think, if we pay 60 for them

and we put them into auction at 80 to 120.

If they make £80, by the time you've taken the commission off,

if they make £80, we've made £6.

I know that's of no relevance to you.

-We're up against...

-All right. All right. You've convinced me.

-Is that all right, my love?

-Yes.

-Aw! Thank you very much!

Thank you very much, my love.

-Thank you very much.

-I suppose you want something to carry them in.

I hadn't thought about that.

-You might as well take the baskets.

-Ooh. You are an angel!

'As for the competition, their game plan is...

'look for the wow factor.'

-We want wow factor.

-We do. We've got to think outside the box.

I've just found the FA Cup.

-It's actually a tankard with all the FA Cup winners on it.

-Hm. No.

'Chris is currently finding out what we've known for years.'

-The Cheery Bowler.

-It's a lot of money. No.

'Thomas Plant is a very difficult man to please.'

-What about that thing there?

-No.

See? "No. No."

Supposedly, according to Tom,

we are looking for something with the wow factor.

I keep picking up stuff with the "Eugh" factor, according to him.

No, no, no.

'No.'

'So with Chris's spirits suitably crushed, it's off to Halcyon Days.'

-What's that?

-No.

'He means yes.

'Thomas has fallen in love with an anchor. Chris hates it.'

-Bit of fun.

-It says, "Not from Titanic."

-Doesn't matter.

That is a bit of fun. What do you think?

Um...

'I told you. He hates it.'

Let's have a look at it.

Big old heavy cast iron anchor.

-It's very, very heavy.

-You seem surprised!

That an anchor's heavy. That's what I'm worried about.

-Well...

-You're supposed to be the knowledgeable one.

-Am I really?

It's got a bit of age.

It's not brand new, I don't think.

-No.

-You know. It's...

It's a bit mad.

-Mad or bad?

-You've got to buy the maddest thing.

-It's got to appeal. It's got to be...

-Yeah.

-Showy.

-Do you know what I mean?

-I get showy.

'Thomas's next move - ignore everything Chris has just said.'

-I'm quite keen on the anchor.

-Yes.

-Quite keen on the anchor.

But not keen on the price tag on it.

'And, of course, make Maureen an offer.'

-£8 off. 45.

-Couldn't you do any more than that?

-Well, it isn't mine.

-Right, OK.

-You wouldn't do it for 35?

-No. Definitely not. No.

-What about 40, then?

-Possibly 40.

-Possibly 40?

-For 40, you're getting a bargain.

-Do you think so?

-I do, indeed.

-Let me look at your eyes. Are you trustworthy?

-I am trustworthy!

-I am very trustworthy.

-She is trustworthy.

What do you think?

It has grown on me, I must admit. I didn't like it originally.

But it has grown on me.

-It's a showy thing.

-It is. And it is unusual.

There's not going to be another one in the auction.

I want to go for it. Do you want to go for it?

-WE want to go for it.

-You want to go for it.

-I'm there.

'So, in summary, I think they're going to go for it. Right, Chris?'

Wasn't the wow factor I'm looking for.

It has worked on me.

Still not convinced, but I've got to believe in him, haven't I?

'Yup, and now the boys have got their little piece of wow,

'as chosen and approved by Thomas, it's off to Strand Quay Antiques.'

A-ha!

-TUFFERS: Here we go!

-Hello, boys!

How have you got on?

-Oooh!

-He's got an itchy nose!

Have you bought anything? We may have made a purchase!

-You know you said you'd made a big gamble?

-Yes.

We've seen yours and we've raised you one!

We're going to go for it now.

-Have you done this shop?

-Tuffers, let's go.

-Good luck.

-We don't want your rejects!

Tuffers, show me the glide again, the Come Dancing glide!

Sensational!

-Sev-en!

-TUFFERS LAUGHING: Sev-en!

'Coast now clear, Chris has spotted something he likes.'

Look at that!

'But what, we all ask, will Thomas say?'

You can either go... # Putting on my top hat! #

Or this.

-AS TOMMY COOPER:

-Ha-ha-ha!

THOMAS LAUGHS

-What do you think?

-You look rather fetching.

-That is quite good.

-You reckon?

-I like that, yeah.

'But how will it fare at an auction in Chiswick?'

So, 1961.

I don't recognise that name.

-I mean, there are no famous fez makers, are there?

-No.

But the arrow means that it's military.

Does that not make it more collectable?

Hugely more collectable.

And we've already got that military theme running through our purchases.

I think it's twenty...something pounds.

£28.

I want it for nothing.

Do you want to do a bad cop thing?

-I'll give it a go.

-Do you want to give it a go? You're not that keen.

Well, I'm not that good at being a bad cop. You do it VERY well.

I'm normally the nice guy.

-I'd hate to see the bad cop!

-THOMAS LAUGHS

'Well, Thomas, if the shoe fits.'

I would like to give you a figure.

Now, you don't have to take it.

I'd like to start you somewhere. Then we could finish somewhere.

-How does £15 sound?

-No.

-A good price.

-OK.

We've got 28. You're offering me 15.

-I'll compromise. I'll do it for 18.

-£18?

-Yeah.

-What do you think?

-That's cash.

-It WILL be cash.

-Cash.

-Fine.

-We haven't got any credit anywhere, have we?

-LAUGHTER

-It's got to be cash.

-I think that is a wonderful gesture, £18.

-It's a wonderful gesture.

-And it's great fun.

-OK. Sold.

-Is that all right?

-That's fine.

-Thank you, sir.

-Thank you.

Thank you very much.

-I know it's moth-eaten, but it's going to make people smile.

-True.

-I didn't even have to come in with my bad cop!

-You didn't.

-I was ready there!

-Were you?

-I'd had a stretch.

And I was in!

-But, great man!

-Here we are. There's 20. Thank you very much.

'Determined to spend every penny of their £400 stake, the two Phils

'are trying their luck at Quay Antiques.'

This looks a good spot, Phil.

'Earlier in the day, the competition were also browsing this shop,

'and right up to the point Thomas said no,

'Chris was keen on this wee item.'

-I'm just thinking, Tuffers. We've got to think creatively.

-Yeah.

I think that's worth £5 to £10.

If Tuffers signs it, it might be worth £20 to £30.

-I don't know.

-"Best wishes, Phil Tufnell."

-A Cheeky Bowler.

-A Cheeky Bowler! That's definitely it.

-That's what we're going to do, yeah?

-All right.

-It's got to be £5 to £10.

I bet you he won't sell it for less than £25 or £30. We'll walk away.

-Yeah.

-We'll be firm.

-We will.

'Don't worry, Philip, I'm sure you'll charm the pants off Norman.

'Well, figuratively speaking.'

-Hello, hello. Hiya.

-How you going?

A Cheery Bowler. We quite like that.

But at £40, we've got more chance of rowing to the moon.

I think at auction that's £10 to £20.

Unfortunately, it's all different traders, you see.

I can only do so much.

-So we could do...

-30 would be his best.

-Ooh.

-No, we couldn't do that.

I would like to buy it. Can I make a suggestion? Can you ring the guy up?

We'll have a look round. Ring the guy up and explain what we're doing.

-If he'd take 15 quid, we'd love to buy it off him.

-I'll try.

-Do your best.

-I'm not hopeful.

-You've got two hard-up people.

-Yeah.

-Incredibly poor.

-Yeah.

-Can't even afford new cars.

'It's quite a sob story. Just one problem.

'Old Norm can't seem to find the dealer's phone number.'

Go for an executive decision. That's a suspiciously old label.

It's been here years. So 15 quid. How's that, then?

-Oh, dear.

-Money on the table.

Good man! Get in there, Tuffers!

Have I said yes? Did I say yes?

I'm quite pleased about that.

'While the two Phils have blown almost every penny,

'the competition still have £240, which Thomas won't let Chris spend.'

-We don't have to buy anything.

-I think that's a chicken's way out.

'That's right. Speculation IS the point of this contest.

'Go ahead, Chris. Buy something nice.'

We've got a tantalus.

'Oh. Perhaps not £395 nice.'

Press the button.

Ah! That's my idea of paradise.

-Is it popular?

-They are quite popular, with a 1 in front of it.

Do you think she'd do anything on that?

-It's asking a bit much, isn't it?

-No.

You could try for every single last penny,

but I think you might lose money.

'I quite agree, though this time it's Chris who gets his way.'

- A colleague's got the tantalus. - Are they up for a deal?

-I can phone them and find out.

-Oh!

Can I ring them?

-I'll call and you can speak to them.

-That'll be great.

'But Julie needs to be fast,

'because just outside, the enemy is approaching.'

They're nice. How old would they be?

Lord knows! These are the property of some hospital in about 1953.

The leather's had it.

That's a shame.

-£16.50. I think they're a fiver, Tuffers.

-You reckon a fiver?

They've got a little wing nut, so adjustable.

Oo-arrr! Oooo-arrrr!

-Jim lad.

-Behind you!

-Pieces of eight. Pieces of eight.

THOMAS: Listen to that!

I can hear them making a racket.

Spoiling our business.

Spoiling our fun.

'And now they're coming in! Julie, not a word about the tantalus.'

We're just doing some nice quiet business, in a cordial fashion.

-THOMAS: Are you hiding something?

-Where?

Ooh, hello.

Higher! Higher!

JULIE: They'd like a word about your tantalus.

TUFFERS: Oh! Tantalus!

'Oh, nice one, Julie(!)'

See you in a minute.

'So, as his mentor looks on, this is finally Chris's chance to buy something he chose himself.'

Just wondering whether you could do a deal.

Right. OK. Ahhh.

And there's nothing you can do on that at all?

Lovely to speak to you.

Rubbish. Unfortunately, best she could do was 340.

'In other words, it's time to take their £240 elsewhere.

'Although, I'm sure you can guess how this story ends.'

-I've seen another hat over there.

-No.

-Trunks.

-Mm-hm. No.

No.

'People who ARE prepared to spend money are Serrell and Tuffers.'

-These...

-TUFFERS LAUGHS

-I've got to be truthful.

-Go on.

These lousy crutches look out of context in your wonderful stock.

You want a "really good price" on the crutches?

Would you take the change in our pockets?

-No. It's probably 10p.

-No.

I promise you it's more than that. That's only one of them!

-There's more to come.

-There you are.

JULIE: How much is on the ticket?

-We don't look at tickets.

-I think it's £16.50.

I don't think £1.90 is going to do it.

-There's a one-off offer coming.

-Go on.

-I'll put this back in my pocket.

-Take the change back.

There's a one-off offer coming.

What are we going to do with a pair of crutches?

-Do you agree with that, or not?

-Why not?

-That's it. Finished.

-Go on, then.

-I'll take a fiver.

-Sure?

-Yeah.

TUFFERS: You're a wonderful woman! I think we've been mugged off!

-ALL LAUGH

-We've been completely mugged off!

-I hope you make a profit on them. >

-Yeah. We'll let you know.

'And with that, the last of the big spenders limp off into the sunset.'

Get them bowls out!

-That's what we need.

-Some of them might need your crutches!

'Capital thinking, boys, but right now it's time for a show and tell.'

-How good are they?

-Real wood.

Not fake wood! Good!

Or plastic. >

I like the fact that they're adjustable.

-How much did you pay?

-How much do you think we paid?

-£15.

-Yours, sir.

-No! No!

Fiver.

-That's good.

-£2.50 each.

She was robbed.

< This is our first item.

It's a little lot.

We've had a bit of fun. This is a sobering item.

Death plaques for the First World War.

If you were killed, your family were sent a plaque.

-You loved the story.

-I'm sorry. I got a bit involved.

I am fascinated by things that you can touch that's real history.

-PHIL: I like that.

-Yeah.

-Yeah. Good stuff.

'As for Phil's next buy, these two might just recognise it.'

BOTH: Ahh!

We saw that!

-Did you?

-We think...

Look at the 'tashes on there!

We saw this. That's not you, Phil, is it? >

-I haven't got a moustache.

-We loved that.

-What's that worth?

-Well, we saw the price, £40, and just dismissed it.

-Walked off.

-It's got to be worth a tenner.

-We thought it's worth 10 or 15.

Until we thought you could put a bit of added value.

Oh, no! You've only played, literally, the joker card!

-Shall I? Best wishes?

-Best wishes. Yeah.

-'All's fair in love and antiques.'

-Freddie Flintoff!

£4.50! >

-It's going to make 30 quid!

-< Y-yes.

Now Tuffers has signed it, they'll all giggle and it'll make 50 quid.

'Can the same be said for this?'

-What is it?

-We're in Rye.

Don't start!

Harbour and docks, and you bought an anchor to take to Chiswick.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

There's a lot of wharfs in London.

A lot of wharfs?

It's a decorator's thing. Don't you think?

-It's a big 'un.

-It's heavy.

It's not too big, not too small. It's a good showy object.

It didn't cost a great deal of money.

-50 quid?

-There's a good 50 quid's worth of scrap there!

-< 40 notes.

-That's fine, isn't it?

Yeah. That's what you've got to think about. Profit, profit, profit.

What do you think to those?

Ah! I used to be a BBC bowls correspondent!

-Really?

-Yes!

We got eight. >

-We found them in two shops.

-You're kidding?

-They're all paired up.

-Lignum vitae, aren't they?

-Yes.

-The only wood which doesn't float.

'Thomas and Chris's next purchase comes complete with...'

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

'..a very bad Tommy Cooper impersonation.'

It's a tall one! LAUGHTER

I've never seen one that tall. Have you?

-And if you say it suits me...

-That's a belter!

'And we can guarantee that anyone

'who tries this on will be compelled to do this.'

-What is it that makes you do that?

-Light bulb.

Heavy bulb.

I see something lurking.

'And for Tuffers' next trick, he pulls a nut trolley out of a bush.'

I'll move the table.

-Exactly. Move the table, and make way...

-For a little table.

-..for the coffee table.

-I like it.

-These are new tops, put on for a coffee table.

-Yeah.

Nice splinter sort of action.

We stuck on 300 forever and a day.

-That's a lot of wood for 300 quid!

-It cost us 230.

-230.

-Ooh!

-And I'm not sure.

Tom, I said, on a really bad day, this could make

-£100, £120, couldn't it?

-< Not a chance.

-You don't think so?

-It's going to do well.

I reckon that's gonna get...

350, at the auction. Fantastic. This is great.

I think we've all bought items with profit in them.

-Be good, wouldn't it?

-Lovely.

-Yours have more profit in them.

'But enough of the niceties. What do our contestants really think?'

The only thing I'd like of theirs would be the trolley.

-Would you have paid 230 for it?

-No. Do you know why?

-Because you wouldn't have let me.

-No! Do you think I've been tight?

-Yes!

-Really?

-VERY tight!

But I have enjoyed it. It was every time, "No."

"What about 140?" "Oh!" That's what you do.

I LOVE the fez. I think it's brilliant.

I'd buy it. I'd do the barbecuing in it.

The most they can lose is £30 to £50, and the most they could make is perhaps 150.

-We've taken a much bigger gamble. We are...

-We are the gamble team.

'After first revving our engines in Hastings,

'the Celebrity Road Trip comes to an end in Chiswick.

'That's old English for "cheese farm".

'Enough from me, we've got an auction to go to.

'And Philip Serrell, Thomas Plant, Chris Hollins and Phil Tufnell

'are descending on Chiswick Auctions hoping to make a small fortune.'

Ah! Partner!

-Oppo!

-How are you? Tuffers.

Are you nervous? A little bit nervous.

A little bit worried about a few items.

I'm terrified. Absolutely completely terrified.

-We haven't got a lot to lose because we didn't spend much.

-We were mean.

-I was mean with the purse strings.

-We might need our crutches.

They're going to go nuts for our trolley.

LAUGHTER

'Both teams began this journey with £400 in the coffers,

'and two days on, Team Tufnell has played an aggressive game,

'spending £310 on four lots.'

Thank you very much. Give us a kiss.

'Team Hollins has played it safe,

'parting with just £163 for three auction lots.

'Though, as Thomas likes to say,

'the bottom line is profit, profit, profit.

'So, on that note, how does auctioneer Tom Keane rate our competitors' chances?'

Today, for me, is going to be real hard work.

They bought some tough lots to sell, quirky things.

We've catalogued the trolley as a coffee table,

hoping someone will see what we see, a fantastic piece of engineering.

But what's it going to make? It's heavy. People can't lift it.

The best buy of the day is Chris and Thomas, the World War I medallions.

They're quite a collector's item.

I have sold them for £50, £80 each. With a bit of paperwork, 150 each.

That could be the star lot.

'So without further ado,

'let the auction begin.'

It's like waiting to bat with a fast bowler.

'Tuffers, the waiting is over.

'First up, your pair of adjustable wooden crutches.'

What are these worth? £30?

-£10.

-It's gone very quiet, Tuffers.

£10?

'50p, anyone?'

10. Thank you. The bid here at £10.

At £10. At 10. Who'll bid me 12? At £10. Give me 12.

-Get in there!

-12 I've got. Give me 15. Give me 13.

13. Do you want 14?

£13. Take 14. At £13.

All done at £13. I'm gonna sell at 13...

-Well done.

-That's all right.

-That's a profit. £13!

'At least the two Phils will be "walking away"

'with an £8 profit before commission.

'Next, it's the auction lot

'that inspired one bad Tommy Cooper impersonation after another.

'Thomas and Chris's military fez.'

I've got a commission bid.

I'm bid £12. Give me 14 now. I'm bid 12. Give me 14 for it.

14. Thank you. 16. 18. 20.

22? 24?

The bid's at £22. Take 23. Going at 22. All done at £22...?

I like that. Still a profit. Minute.

-That is for nothing, Tom.

-Profit? £4?

'That's right, Chris. Most of which will disappear in commission.

'Just like that!

'Moving on now, to Phil's lignum bowls.

'Maybe these will finally get the bidders of Chiswick rolling.'

£100?

£30? I'm bid at £30. Give me 32...

What did we pay?

..Two. 35.

38. 40. 42. 45. 48.

50? At £48. You want 50 over there.

50. 55. 60. 65. 70.

The bid's at 65. Who wants 70? At £65, are we done?

Your last chance to bid. At 65 and gone.

Ten quid off. That lost us a fiver.

'Ah, well. Better than a slap in the eye with a wet kipper.

'When can things get any worse?

'Try now. Along comes Thomas and Chris's anchor.'

£100 for it?

£50 for it, then, please? £50? £30?

I'm doing it slow cos his arm's getting tired! £20 to go. 20 bid.

22. 25? 25. 28? 28. 30?

32? 35? 38?

At £35 bid.

The ship's anchor at 35. Take 38. Who else wants to bid me? At £35.

At 35 and going. All done.

-I reckon it scrapped at more.

-Yeah. It did.

'Yet another auction lot sinks without a trace. Or a Sharon.

'Which puts the two Phils into first place.

'Perhaps the Cheery Bowler, signed by one Mr Phil Tufnell,

'can finally bring in the mula.'

-Do you get £100 a signature?

-Usually!

£20 for it? Signature's worth that. £10 for it?

10 I'm bid. Who'll give me 12? 12. 15?

15. Do you want 18? 18. 20...?

You're in profit.

..It's signed. 20. 22? 22. 25...?

'My gosh! The unbridled power of celebrity! It's thrilling!'

..No? At £28. 29 there. 30 there. Give me 32. 32.

35. 38. 40? 40. 42?

42. 45? 48? 50?

52? 55? 58?

The bid's at £55.

All done at £55. Going to go at 55.

All finished at 55, then? Your bid at 55. 171, £55.

Well done, Tuffers!

'That's more like it. A £40 profit, before commission.

'Hoping they really have saved the best until last,

'Thomas and Chris present their World War I collection.'

Start me low at £50? Thank you.

£50. 55? 55. 60? Five. 70. Five.

80. Five. 90.

Five. 100?

110. 120. 130. 140...

Well done, Tom.

..140 there. Hands going up everywhere. 150. 160. 170. 180.

190. 200.

I'm bid at 190. Give me two for it. 200 bid. New bidder.

210? Hand goes down. At £200. Give me 210. At £200.

All done at £200? Your last chance. You out? All out? £200, gone.

'It's a much needed win for Thomas and Chris,

'putting them firmly into first place.

'But this party ain't over yet.

'The two Phils have invested £230 in this nut trolley-cum-coffee table.

'They're hoping the good people of Chiswick will go nuts for it! Ha!'

-Have you signed that?

-I will do.

-Yeah.

'There have been several commission bids so cross your fingers, lads.'

One, two, three, four commission bids.

-Get in there!

-AUCTIONEER: Don't get too excited.

I'll tell you what the bids are. I've got £120. I've got £125...

-'That's not too good.'

-..Two bids of £140 each.

'Anyone care for a sweet sherry?'

I've got 140. Take 150 for it. At 140. Worth more.

£140. Anyone want 50? It should be more than this. £140.

Are we done? At 140. That's the money so far. At 140.

All done at 140? Bid now if you want to. Commission bid gets it.

Ah, mate. I am genuinely gutted there.

'Well, they came, they saw, they lost £90 on a nut trolley,

'but you have to admire their spirit of adventure.'

GIGGLING: Well done.

Thomas, well done.

'So, rather than fortune favouring the bold,

'the two Phils have made an overall loss of £86.14p,

'which means they end their road trip with...

'Chris may have been frustrated by Thomas playing it safe,

'but it's worked a treat.

'After commission, they've earned a profit of £47.74p,

'giving them a winning total of...

'Well done!'

Ah! Glad that's over! That was nerve-racking.

-Well played, team.

-Commiserations.

-You deserved to win.

-Well done. Bad luck.

Really good fun. Rematch?

-Definitely. Any time.

-Any time you want!

'Yup, it's been quite a journey.

'I don't know about you, but I feel a montage coming on.'

# The boys are back in town The boys are back in town

# I said the boys are back in town... #

'All the money our celebrities and experts make on this series

'will go to Children In Need.'

# The boys are back in town... #

'So thank you, everyone, especially today's winners,

'Chris Hollins and Thomas Plant. See ya.'

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]