Episode 12 Celebrity Antiques Road Trip

'Some of the nation's favourite celebrities.'

Why have I got expensive tastes?

-'One antiques expert each.'

-How much would this thing cost?

'And one big challenge - who can seek out and buy the best antiques at the very best prices...'

Answers on a postcard.

'..and auction for a big profit further down the road?'

I think he's rather super.

'Who will spot good investments and listen to advice?'

-You like it?

-I think it's horrible.

'And who will be the first to say, "Don't you know who I am?"'

Well done, us!

'Time to put your pedal to the metal.

'This is Celebrity Antiques Road Trip.

'Yeah!

'Today, Celebrity Antiques Road Trip is a family feud.'

I'll do the honourable thing.

'Featuring Judith "Wish You Were Here" Chalmers.'

-Tell me you will not nag at me when I'm driving.

-Your father says that.

'And her son, Mark "Are We There Yet?" Durden-Smith.'

Did my father woo you in a vehicle like this?

The tales of your romance involved a car with a walnut dash.

-There's no back seat, is there?

-Why? You expecting someone?

'Ha-ha! We don't use the word "legend" lightly on Road Trip,

'but when a woman with more than six decades of broadcasting experience appears,

'that's the only way to describe her.

'From a BBC starlet in the '40s and '50s

'presenting news and quaffing champagne,

'to four decades spent trotting the globe,

'Judith Chalmers has had a long and well-travelled career -

'and has the postcards to prove it.'

-Ready to go?

-Oh, yes!

-Let the hen-pecking begin.

ENGINE ROARS 'Listen to that! It's wonderful!'

Tally ho!

'Driving a dashing 1974 Triumph TR6 is Judith's favourite and only son,

'Mark Durden-Smith.

'Mark presents rugby for Sky and ITV,

'but his boyish charm and quick wit has seen him present This Morning,

'the National Lottery Draw and I'm A Celebrity.

'He's even done his bit for Sport Relief.'

It's a fabulous morning in the middle of Britain and it's glorious.

But it's about to turn nasty as families go to war.

-I want to win!

-You're a competitive lady!

We'll have a lovely time. It'll be a fair fight.

-I think it's so exciting to be doing something with you.

-I agree.

I hope at Christmas it's not awkward if I happen to have won.

We'll see about that.

'So, which experts are going to help settle this family feud?

'In a gorgeous 1984 Mercedes SL are the men from Delmonte!

'In the hat is James Lewis.'

It's quite appropriate. I feel as if we're going on holiday.

'And in the suit, it's Paul Laidlaw.'

-What could you be referring to?

-I wished you were here and you are!

'Paul Laidlaw is an expert in militaria

'and has been collecting everything from bottles to shells since he was a boy.

'Now, he's collecting TV presenters

'and hoping for a national treasure today.'

-The legend that is Judith Chalmers!

-I know.

-Holy Moses!

-I grew up watching her.

-Didn't we all?!

'I know I did.

'Gentleman James Lewis is an expert in porcelain, ceramics and paintings,

'but can he tell his vintage beauties apart today?'

The funny thing is, when I used to do a certain other antiques show,

Gloria Hunniford said, "People always think I'm Judith Chalmers!"

I'm just wondering if people think Judith Chalmers is Gloria Hunniford!

So, do you have a preference - Mark or Judith?

-Mark's a rugby union man, isn't he?

-So I believe.

-Are you a rugby man?

-I like rugby.

-Yeah.

-I do like rugby.

Um...prefer holidays, though!

BOTH LAUGH

'It looks like it'll be Mark and Paul against James and Judith.

'Where are we going to be wishing we were on this Road Trip?

'Both of our jet-set teams will enjoy lovely British weather

'as they spend their £400 starting off just outside Evesham,

'travelling through the beautiful English counties

'of Worcestershire and Gloucestershire.

'They'll meander in an out of the stunning Cotswolds

'and finish at auction in Stroud.

'Before they hit Evesham, time for an early tea break.'

-This is what you did all day on Wish You Were Here.

-Of course(!)

-Everybody thinks you just went on holiday.

-What DID you do?

We left the hotel at half past seven in the morning

and we got back after the inevitable folk dancing at half past ten at night.

-Always folk dancing!

-Folk dancing around the world!

-Ah!

-They're here!

-Oh, I say! Don't they look smart!

I wanted debonair! We've got debonair!

-Hello, James.

-Good to see you.

-Hello.

Yes, I recognise you.

-Have a lovely time, you two, but it's needle!

-From here on in, yes.

The mother-son relationship often fraught and tension filled.

After you.

Am I driving? Are we going to argue about who has the key?

BOTH TALK AT ONCE

'With our duos definitely decided, it's time to fly away.

'I mean, drive off.

'Judith's used to getting away quickly and today's no exception.

'She's in the driving seat and keen to know what James's shopping strategy is.'

It has to be something, I think,

that is massive, bold, going to strike people immediately.

-Cos they can't miss it?

-Yeah. I think that's what we should go for.

-Right.

'Evesham was founded around its 8th-century abbey,

'one of the largest in Europe, of which only the bell tower remains.

'It's almost surrounded by the River Avon, which is great for boating,

'but has caused several damaging floods.

'Will Judith and James face a deluge or a drought of bargains

'in Twyford Antiques, run by the very helpful Andy?'

I'll let you have a look around. Give me a shout if you need a hand.

Righty-ho.

Good gracious! How do you...? There are SO many things.

I know!

A marvellous mixture of everything.

-I saw one of those being played in Kakadu.

-Australian?

-Yes.

-Kakadu National Park, Australia.

-'I believe there was a postcard!

'Here's Judith in Australia, circa 1986.

'Please, James, didgeri-don't!'

TUNELESS BELLOWING

JUDITH LAUGHS

I'm going to give up!

'That's a good idea.

'James said they needed something big for auction

'and he's spotted just that upstairs - a huge pine trunk!

'A 19th-century trunk like this would have been covered in leather or cowhide.'

-It's got 220 on it.

-Oh!

-We could get down to about 150.

-We couldn't get below that.

-150. We've only got 400.

-Yeah.

'It looks like it's beyond their budget,

'but some missing wood and woodworm

'give James the bit of negotiating space he needs.'

I think a bit of wood missing is worth at least 50, if not more.

That would make it 100 now?

I was really thinking 120 for the very best on that.

Which is £100 off!

Yes. Well, what about another 20 off?

'This is a woman who has haggled from Woolloomooloo to Timbuktu.

'You've got no chance, Andy.'

-Go on. 100 quid.

-Oh!

-OK.

-It's quite expensive.

-It's a MASSIVE trunk.

-It's a quarter of our money.

Is the heat getting to us? Let's go down into the cold.

-Thank you for that.

-Thank you.

-Let's go and have a...

-A chinwag.

-Yeah.

You're right. It's a lot of money.

Well, I just feel I want to have the joy of buying more than just one big piece.

'Judith's no-nonsense advice helps James focus.'

-Is that a magnifying glass?

-Yes.

-Jeez!

-You could have that on your desk.

-It would have been used by a craftsman.

-I like that.

A watch repairer or somebody of that nature.

That pretends to be £30.

It pretends to be £30, but sounds more like 20 to me!

'Andy's haggling with himself now! The Chalmers charm has got to him.'

-Is that, what, ten?

-Ten, then!

-Go on! £10.

-£10?!

'Andy, you're making it too easy for them.

'James has scented blood and is seeing what else he can get here.'

Tell me about this chap.

'Judith's always liked a man in uniform,

'even a very short one like this wee fella.'

MUSIC: "A Scottish Soldier" by Andy Stewart

He's got tartan trews. I think he's rather super.

'Dummy boards like this were popular toys in Edwardian times.

'This one has a ticket price of £30.'

You looked at a crib earlier. There's another.

Oh, for a child's... Isn't that sweet?

A child's doll.

'This could be a bed for the soldier.'

We could probably get away with 20 on that,

if you were keen on it.

'So, they've gone from one huge item with the trunk,

'to three small ones - the lens, the soldier and the cradle.

'With Andy in a charitable mood, they might end up with all of them.'

45 for a little group?

Could we have 40? JAMES LAUGHS

Seriously, I think that's what we would.

I can't do any better, I'm afraid.

-How about that pine trunk as well?

-You're still hankering after that.

I think the fact that it's pine, it's light wood.

-It's SO practical.

-All right. I love the plainness of it.

I said 100 on that. 45 on those.

So, 140 for the four.

-Thank you very much. You've got a deal.

-Right.

-Andy, we owe you some money, then.

-Ah! Yes!

'Wow! Look at that! Four items bought in one shop.

'This might be a short show today. Let's go over them, though.

'The pine trunk for £100, the magnifying lens for £10

'and £30 for the soldier and the crib together

'makes a grand total of £140.'

-Thank you very much.

-Thank you so much, Andy.

-I hope you do well.

'While Judith drives a hard bargain in Evesham,

'Mark and Paul are driving three miles down the road to Blackminster.

'On the way, Mark's making sure Paul's competitive edge is sharp.'

I don't want you to have any sympathy for my mother.

I want you to be cut-throat about this and to go for the jugular -

even though this is my mother we're talking about.

-It's not right, is it?

-It's not. I feel counselling should follow this trip.

'I'd rather you concentrated on keeping your hands on the wheel!

'Thankfully, it's not taken long to get to Wizpan Collectables.

'It's run by Mary. Let's hope she's not feeling contrary.'

-This is my friend, Paul. You might recognise him off the telly.

-I do.

-Have you got a poster of him on your wall?

-Not quite, no.

Well, you should have!

'Yeah, to throw darts at!

'Let's see if Paul can hit the bull's-eye in here.'

The onyx clock.

'In the late 19th century, this lovely French-Algerian onyx clock

'would have been part of a garniture and flanked by vases.'

-£30 is all I want for that.

-Never mind the quality.

Feel the weight, madam! MARK STRAINING

There's a surface here.

What we've got to do is set it running.

-Tell me there's a pendulum.

-There's a pendulum.

CLOCK CHIMES

-It's a miracle! Isn't it?

-PAUL LAUGHING

I just feel I've been at something extraordinary.

Like the first man landing on the moon!

-This is one of those moments.

-You're easily pleased.

I have to say, I'm excited about that.

'It's time for Mark to do a deal.

'Has he inherited any of his mother's skills?'

-Mary, we don't like this piece.

-PAUL LAUGHING

-We think it's got no potential for the auction.

-It's still £30, whether you want it or not!

-'Doesn't sound like it.'

-We do like the clock, Mary.

What we're trying to do is trying... This is a sob story slightly.

-I'm in competition with my mother.

-VIOLIN PLAYS PLAINTIVELY

As a son, you never have a chance to shine...

'Save it for the counselling. Mary just wants to talk numbers.'

-Is 20 out of the...?

-25. I'll meet you in the middle.

20 is my lucky number!

Mmmm.... OK.

-Mary, really?

-Yes.

-Thank you, Mary. That's fantastic.

Honestly, that is brilliant.

-We're excited about this.

-You'll make a lot of money on it.

'The first deal. Paul can't believe it.'

We've hardly walked through the door. Let me assure you, we've made a stonking good purchase.

'But can they keep it up?'

-I like that, it gives it character.

-Uhhhhh!

"Uhhhh!" You sound like Chewbacca in Star Wars.

'Maybe using the force will help Mark find some bargains in the back of the shop.'

-Not many people get in my stock room.

-Ah! Privileged!

I love that box.

Can I throw in the towel now and hand my mother the trophy?

-PAUL LAUGHING

-This is looking pretty bleak.

Don't weaken! Mark, don't weaken!

'Just when the boys are about to give up hope,

'Paul spots a deal on wheels.'

Ah!

'And it gives him a chance to channel his inner Jackie Stewart.'

That's a Ford GT40, isn't it? Le Mans winner.

That's how Ford took on the might of Ferrari.

You programme the car. You select its course.

Watch it obey your instructions.

A memory you control! By Mettoy.

Well, you know, it does stir some nostalgic thoughts within my soul.

'The strips are cut individually to create different instructions,

'letting you programme its course for hours of fun.'

-What's it going to be priced at?

-I would say, personally,

I would say this would be a tenner. We're good customers of Mary's.

Mary, this...tatty old box with a car in it...

-You know my style of negotiating.

-A fiver.

I'm not haggling over a fiver. That would sully our relationship.

I'll tell you why we're both loving that it's because it's our era.

You're 45. You can tell you're older than me. I'm a mere 44.

-I'm ageing!

-That is something I would love to have got for a birthday present.

That almost looks like my dad. This looks like you.

-PAUL LAUGHS

-It's got it all.

OK, Mary, that's a deal.

'That's two purchases for the boys - the clock for £20

'and the car at £5.'

-Mary, that's fantastic.

-Thank you very much.

-No, thank YOU, Mary.

-I hope you win.

-The pleasure is all ours!

'From toy cars to real cars,

'Judith and James have travelled 25 miles north to Hartlebury.

'Here at Hartlebury Castle is the Worcestershire County Museum.

'It's home to the Springs, Spas and Holidays Exhibition.

'It details the tourism boom that set the template for the package holiday craze

'that sent Judith round the world for 30 years.

'To show Judith and James around, Gemma Dhami from Worcestershire Museums.'

-How do you do?

-I'm Gemma.

-All right, Gemma.

-Have you met James?

-Hi, James. Nice to meet you.

'The health properties of drinking and bathing in Worcestershire's waters

'have been known locally since the 17th century,

'but for most of the country, it was too far away -

'a bit like Spain in the 1960s.

'So, just like the jet plane and the package holiday,

'a new type of tourism needed a new form of transport to explode.'

-This opened it up to the masses.

-They had to get here somehow.

Package holidays came a bit later.

-This was their way of getting about, as you say.

-Yes, that's right.

-Have you been on...? I suppose you must.

-Have I been on package holidays?

I thought you might have been on something like the Orient Express.

-Yes, I have.

-I knew you would have done!

-Of course I have!

'And if you were going to take the waters,

'just like Judith in the Jet Age, you would want to travel in style -

'Victorian style.'

These are the sort of clothes they wore on holiday then.

This was typical of the 1890s,

what people would wear to do their travelling.

Not as comfortable as we'd expect to wear today.

It's Capri pants, now! Nice little trousers and things.

Very much a corseted waist.

-That's right.

-Drawn-in, whale-bone corsets.

'And you needed something large to pack all those corsets and starched collars into.'

-People didn't travel light, did they?

-No, not at all.

People would take pretty much everything they could with them.

-We have some great examples here...

-Beautiful.

-..of the luggage.

I love luggage. I absolutely love it.

I've got a loft stuffed with it.

'And when you get there, what better way to relax than a nice dip?

'Nearby Droitwich became famous for its salty brine

'which contained ten times more salt than seawater.'

They had the St Andrew's brine baths.

It was there to treat rheumatism and arthritis because of the buoyancy.

It was very good for improving health.

I went a little further, as far as a British person is concerned.

I went to the Dead Sea in Jordan.

And you could, literally - I didn't trust it when they told me -

you could float and read a newspaper.

You didn't have to paddle with your feet or your hands.

Just floating along, reading your paper. Absolutely wonderful.

'Here's another from the collection! Judith in the Dead Sea, circa 1979.

'Of course, postcards!

'Writing "wish you were here" to the neighbours

'was another craze we have to thank the Victorians for.

'Gemma's got this early example of a postcard from a hop-picking holiday.

'The hops and the clean water made the area ideal for brewing.'

-A hop-making holiday?

-That's right. It was very popular.

People would do the hop-making.

You'd see the process people went through through the photographs.

I can see how the end result might have been quite fun,

but I would rather cut out the middle bit.

Would you like to see the end result in your hand?

I think it's about time we did.

-Thank you so much.

-Thank you for coming.

-Absolute pleasure.

-Absolutely wonderful, Gemma. Thank you so much.

-Come on.

'State-of-the-art transport, flamboyant fashion,

'loads of luggage, a quick dip, writing postcards and then a beer.

'Not so different today, is it?

'While Judith and James have been checking out the history of holidays,

'Paul's quizzing Mark about the history of Judith.'

Did you get at an early age how famous your mum was?

I was very aware that people knew who she was.

You'd go shopping and people would go, "Judith Chalmers."

What happened a lot, it happens to my mum even now, they'd go,

if you were walking behind her, "There's Gloria Hunniford."

I'd be thinking, "I don't think my mum's Gloria Hunniford."

It was a bit confusing as a child.

'Do they really look that alike? Hm.'

I'm very proud to have my mum and I think she's a real...

-icon of the broadcasting world.

-Without a shadow of a doubt.

-Hopefully, a really rubbish antiques spotter!

-PAUL LAUGHS

'That brings us nicely to Paul and Mark's next shop,

'five miles back up the road in Evesham.

'Yes, it's back to Twyford Antiques and a very obliging Andy.'

Thank you very much for having us around your shop.

Hopefully, you'll find something.

I must admit, we did have quite a lot of really good stuff earlier.

-There was a young lady in this morning who came along...

-No!

'The boys are just going to have to make do with what Judith and James left behind.'

I wonder how many pieces they bought.

'Mark and Paul need to get on the same page.'

These things cost a bit of money.

It's the Antiques Road Trip, not the Secondhand Road Trip!

Bit old-school! He's got to move with the times.

PAUL LAUGHS

Vintage Samsonite leather suitcase.

That is some case! Holy Moses!

-Isn't that lovely?

-That's gorgeous.

-Worth bearing in mind? A contender?

-Yeah.

'Now we're getting somewhere, and hopefully with nice luggage.

'You'd think Judith might have spotted that one.

'Mark has spotted the wood amongst the trees.

'The auction in Stroud has "wooden items",

'so he might be on to something.'

-It's a grain...

-Yeah.

-..shovel.

This sale includes wood. I'm not talking about furniture.

Wooden collectors' items.

'The 19th-century malt shovel certainly qualifies as wood.'

-What on Earth would you do with such a thing?

-Um...

But it might have mileage.

'That's two potentials. Mark's spotted another.'

Can I speak patriotically?

This is my Rule Britannia moment!

-Andy, how much is your flag?

-25.

It's faded, ragged, not very old.

-Why not very old?

-Because that's a nylon cord!

-What about...?

-Those words are frightening me. Dare I turn round?

-"What about...?"

-Don't turn round. Look up.

-Mary Poppins' original umbrella.

-PAUL LAUGHS

-Not joking. Actually not joking.

-It's literally shot.

If I told you you could fly with it, would you still go, "I'm sorry"?

Paul, we've got to consider this. Andy, how much could this be?

-£38.

-WHAT?

-I'm going to park these here.

-I'm permanently, "What?"

MUSIC: "Chim Chim Cher-ee" from Mary Poppins

Paul, we are... We're under a bit of pressure, aren't we?

Is it worth just humouring me, possibly?

You want the flag, get the flag.

Get it for virtually nothing.

-'There's a challenge for Mark.'

-Andy.

-Ah!

Um, I... Is there any way that I can take this off your hands for £5?

And it won't blight your landscape any more.

-Would you be prepared to budge?

-Not five.

-Four then? Maybe four?

'That's it, Mark. Confuse him.'

-Let's see what else you're looking at.

-OK.

-The most audacious question I have for you...

-Yeah.

..is we were wondering whether we could possibly get this for £20.

'That's a big discount from its ticket price of £68.'

Well, how about...the malt shovel and the flag for 30?

-Where are you at?

-Well, we've got this and this...together, the two...

-WHISPERS:

-£30.

What's the bottom line on the pair of them?

I can't do better than 25 on that malt shovel.

-But...

-You could throw in the flag?

-I could throw in the flag.

'Andy, you're too nice for this game.'

What I haven't made a big fuss about is the parasol,

-which you know I was keen on.

-CLOCK CHIMING

Oh! And the bell has tolled for the parasol. £30 all-in.

-Go on, 30 quid.

-30 quid?

-I've got to give you a chance.

£30, for the flag, shovel and parasol.

'You'd think they'd be done with that lot!'

-Last question, Paul.

-Yeah.

-The luggage.

Wouldn't it be the ultimate, "In your face, Mother!"

"I love you, but I just sold a suitcase for a million pounds!"

'At £55 ticket price for the case,

'Andy's going to need a spoonful of sugar to help the medicine go down.'

Andy, Mary Poppins had a suitcase.

She may not have had a Samsonite suitcase but she needs one to put her magic potions in.

Is there any way we can get the case for £20?

-So, we're going to give you £50...

-Mmmmm.

Which is good. You know, closing time!

-Go on.

-That's a great auction lot - the Mary Poppins lot, isn't it?

It remains to be seen, but we did it!

'Deal done. Super Paul is realistic, but Mark's taste is atrocious. Ha!'

-Andy, thank you. That's fantastic.

-Right.

-You've been very accommodating.

-No problem.

One crisp note and the deal is done.

-Thank you, Andy. Good man.

-Thank you very much indeed.

'It's been a day of mixed family fortunes in Worcestershire.

'With both our teams ready for a well-earned aperitif, it's bon soir,

'buenas noches and nighty-night.

'It's another day on the road for our mother-and-son combo of Judith Chalmers and Mark Durden-Smith.

'It's not even 9am and already the family ties are being tested.'

-Have you got an item that might be your...?

-I'm not talking about it.

I was just saying to you yesterday, "Tell me if you've got one item or did you get two?"

-You wouldn't even answer me.

-That would be revealing, innately, the core of our strategy.

-You've almost asked me the same thing.

-I was just making polite conversation between competitors.

James, how was the legend that is Judith Chalmers?

She's lovely!

-She had a great eye as well!

-Really?

-Yeah.

If there was a gene for that eye for antiques,

she didn't pass it on, I'm afraid. LAUGHS

Two of these items in one lot have no merit!

ROARS WITH LAUGHTER

'Now, now, Paul. First rule of the Road Trip - what goes on Road Trip stays on Road Trip.

'What we can say is that Judith and James spent £140 on four items -

'the trunk for £100,

'the toy cradle and soldier at £30 for the two

'and £10 on the scientific lens.'

I think that's great fun.

'Paul and Mark spent a smaller £75 on, haha, the eclectic six items.

'The onyx clock for £20, a toy car for £5 and a malt shovel at £25.

'Then there was the Mary Poppins job lot in the case, the flag

'and the ventilated parasol for £25.'

The bell has tolled for the parasol.

'After yesterday's journey to the middle and north of Worcestershire,

'today our top travelling teams are in the south of the county

'to meet up in the stunning village of Ashton under Hill.'

-Hi. How are you?

-Very good, thank you, James.

-Morning, how are you doing?

-Have a good night's sleep, Captain?

-Yes. You?

-Very good.

-Morning.

-Don't be too nice to my mother.

To be honest, she has been rather unforthcoming.

-I've heard a LOT from Paul.

-You haven't.

Two things that are horrendous that he tried to persuade you not to buy.

From what I've heard, you shouldn't have bought them.

I don't know whether to play this with a straight face. You have been indiscreet.

You realise this is what he's trying to do, much as I love him!

'Oh, James, you are naughty.

'That comment has clearly got under Mark's skin.'

-Did you tell him our trade secrets?

-Oh, would I?

Have fun!

-We're going to blow them out of the water!

-Game plan!

'So, with Mark and Paul left to their recriminations,

'Judith and James are first on the road.

'Their destination is nine miles southwest in Gloucestershire.

'It's a chance for James to ask the question

'that Britain's most famous travel presenter surely has never been asked before!'

Out of all the places that you've been -

you must have been to hundreds of countries -

-which is the one that stands out?

-I've never been asked that before(!)

It's one of those things that is hard to answer.

Wonderful places - South Africa, going to New Orleans,

going to marvellous New Zealand.

'You won't need your passport for Tewkesbury, Judith.

'This lovely town was named after a Saxon hermit.

'For 800 years it was a centre for milling.

'Sadly, in 2006, the last mill here closed.

'But very much open for business is Attica,

'a treasure trove run by Mark Turner.'

How do you do?

Ooh, look! Wouldn't you like that?

BOTH LAUGH

-It's tribal, but not...

-You love tribal things.

'They're certainly coming across the weird and wonderful,

'but what is there to buy?'

Hm. Look at the size of that big copper pan.

£65. It's a lot of money.

There's no profit in it. It's a good thing, though.

'No "pan" do, then! But what about the Victorian brass desk lamp?'

-How much could it be?

-Well...

Five quid.

'A fiver? That's surely a steal at that price!

'Look at that! Gosh!'

-But...

-You think it might sell?

'Judith's learning. It's not about whether you like it.

'It's whether it can make a profit, and that surely will.'

Something that the porters could hold up at the front. People see it.

I looked at that from a distance and expected it to be 30 or 40.

-Did you?

-Yeah.

-There you go!

Nice way round that, isn't it, Mark?

-When you said we could have it for a fiver!

-Yeah.

'Still, it would be nice to buy something they both didn't hate.'

That massive saucepan, what could that be?

-SIGHS:

-25.

-25.

What makes this good, see this seam here?

It means the base is made out of thicker copper than the sides.

It's a really good indication of quality.

-We liked that.

-I like that, but...

'But which is most likely to grab the attention at auction?

'The matte copper pan that everyone likes or the brass lamp they hate?

-'There's only one way to find out.'

-Sir?

Could I borrow you for a minute?

I'm going to hold two things up.

-Yeah.

-I want you to tell me if you'd bid on them at auction.

£30. Yes or no? You've got two seconds before the hammer goes down.

Yeah, I'd have that.

-That lamp.

-Oh, nice one.

I'd give you 15 quid for that.

20?

At a push.

-Would you go 40 on this?

-No.

'The public has spoken.'

That's where the profit is.

-Good luck!

-I'm going to have to wear this, aren't I?

You don't like it, either.

Exactly. Yeah.

-Oh, dear, but there we go. That's a great pan.

-How much would that be?

-That's 25 and that's a fiver.

-So that's £30.

How about we take this with pride and that out of greed?

-At £30?

-At £30 the two.

-All right. Will that do?

-Yeah.

'With pride intact and after a lot of faffing,

'the deal is done at £30 for both.'

Thank you.

'Mark's pride, however, has most certainly been dented

'by this morning's revelation that Paul may have spilled the beans.'

-Did you tell him anything about our items?

-No.

-Particularly two items that you weren't fond of?

He knows that we had a good laugh

over a couple of contentious purchases.

He has no idea what we've bought.

I don't like the fact you've talked to him!

Do I sense regret?

-Well, I... No. Not at all!

-PAUL LAUGHS

I had to fight my corner. You're a very domineering man!

'Indeed. Paul and Mark are now also in the lovely town of Tewkesbury.

'Their first stop is an antiques shop cannily called Antiques.

'The owner is Darius.'

I'm Paul. This is Mark.

'Mark's already spotted something,

'so it's back outside to see the stock on the street.'

-Everything says to me...

-MIMICS PAUL:

-Profit!

-The enamel sign.

-I love those things.

-Colman's Starch.

-Do you know who loves these?

-Who?

-Petrol heads. Classic car mob.

They like to have a starch sign on their wall?

They decorate the insides of their garages.

Glass enamelled on steel - chipped, rusted and rotten.

-I'll bet he wants 300 quid for that.

-No?!

-PAUL LAUGHS

-You are kidding me?

Big bucks! At auction, what's it worth? £100? £200?

'Interesting. Let's see what price Darius has got in mind.'

-I think it's about £90.

-About 90?

'But is it right for the auction in Stroud?'

If we want the answer to the question "what's going to do well at this auction?" give them a call.

'Quite within the rules. Mark gives them a call.'

Hi, there. Stroud Auction House?

We're trying to work out what kind of items sell well at the moment.

I'm standing by a sign, a tin sign.

OK. That's good to know. Second question, what about flags?

Are Union Jacks still selling well, despite it not being the jubilee year?

'He couldn't let it lie.'

No. OK. So, just don't tell Paul you said that to me.

That's just between us. He doesn't seem to trust me on this. Cheers.

'I think "not the jubilee year" was the key phrase in that conversation.

'Time to admit you were wrong.'

-WHISPERS:

-Flags, doing big business.

-A flag specialist sale, basically.

Yeah. Honestly, it's going to be amazing.

-Two - signage, good, as long as it's not too rusty.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you've got the bits where you can bolt it onto a wall intact.

Well, it's NOT capable of being bolted to a wall.

'With the Colman's sign not cutting the mustard,

'what else is calling out to be purchased?'

What is it? It's a siren.

A World War II, um...air-raid siren.

How do YOU...

-make up this twaddle?

-Oh!

BOTH LAUGH

'It's actually a 1930s loud speaker for a radio

'from the period when the two parts were sold separately.'

-I love it.

-Stunning object.

An interior designer might think, "I can do something with that."

That needs to be 35 quid.

'Here comes another unique Mark negotiation.'

-Do you like your mother?

-LAUGHING:

-Yes. Of course.

And I love my mum, but you know that moment you just need to say,

-"It's my turn now"?

-Yeah.

-"I'm at that crossroads in my life."

That is why I'm prepared to offer you £10.

Ten I can't do.

-With that eyeball-to-eyeball thing?

-Can't do it.

-Do you want to see a grown man cry?

-I'll tell you what I would do.

-I'd have a gamble with you.

-Ooh, now I'm interested. Go on.

How about we toss a coin for 15 or 20?

-How about we toss a coin, 15 or ten?

-How about we toss a coin, 25 or ten?

'This is more like it! Never mind auctions! Why don't we do this on every show?'

-Oh!

-Did I see the ante just go up?

-20 or ten.

20 or ten.

-25 or nothing.

-Whoa!

'This is high-stake stuff! Don't offer the car, Mark. It doesn't belong to you.'

OK, 25 or nothing...

On the flip of a coin. You say heads. I say tails.

LAUGHING: Heads! Oh, no!

MARK GROANING

I shall never emerge from my mother's shadow.

Never. It looks like her head on there as well. It's haunting me.

'We'll leave Mark to deal with his issues to remind you it's cost them £25 for the radio horn.'

-That was the way it had to work.

-Loving your work, man. Excellent!

And it's still a good buy.

-You say that, but I'm keeping that.

-LAUGHTER

'Elsewhere on the streets of Tewkesbury,

'Judith and James are about to hit their last shop for the day.

'It's Coach House Antiques, spread over a whacking two floors.

'Here to show them round are Ruth the owner and her junior assistant, Geoff.

'The four floors of this townhouse include a retro room to get you all nostalgic.'

Have a look at this original early white telephone.

Oh, my goodness! Do people want that?

Yeah, they love them.

-It's very retro. It's very modern. It's very young.

-Yes.

-How much could that be?

-To you?

-Yeah.

-15.

-OK.

-JUDITH GASPS

-Cheap enough, isn't it?

-Yes.

-Let's have a think about that.

Look!

'James has spotted an old friend of Judith's. It's Concorde!'

-It's lost its nose!

-What a shame.

-Wonder where that...?

-Look. It's been broken off.

-What a pity!

-I'd have loved to buy that myself.

-It would be very you, wouldn't it?

It would go with the photograph of me with my arm round the nose, yes.

'Of course, that one's in the collection.'

But it is the nose that's missing!

'Back to the retro phone, then.'

The rare ones are slightly more angular.

In the day when they were really popular,

-I sold one at auction for £200.

-Good gracious!

-A white one.

How much have we spent?

-Well, we spent 140 before.

-Yesterday.

-Yeah.

-And 30 today.

-30 today.

-That's 170.

-We haven't spent half yet.

I know! It's such a waste!

We've got... 170... 230.

What about a nice Victorian desk?

'There's an idea, Ruth. This large late-Victorian mahogany writing desk

'is just the kind of statement piece James wants - but can he afford it?'

-How much could it be?

-It could be...

-200.

-Oh, blimey! What do you think?

-Do you like the desk?

-Yes, and I think people would like it.

But the lowest it could make, on a really bad day...

-£80.

-Oh!

On a normal day, it might make 120, 130.

So that's where we're at, psychologically.

-So where does that leave you?

-So?

-So...

95.

'My goodness! That's a big drop, Ruth!'

-Ooh, help!

-CHORTLES

It's got lots of little breakages on the handles, which is against it.

-OK, 90. That's...

-I wasn't doing that to try and knock you down.

'A likely story, James! Still, the offer stands at £90.'

-£90. You've got a deal.

-Thank you.

'And with the desk for £90, Judith and James are all shopped-out.

'With Paul's love of the military and Mark's love of ANY sport,

'they've travelled ten miles up the road to Hanley Swan

'and the National Fencing Museum.

'They're also going to find out more about a boundary-pushing early star of the sport.

'The museum is a private collection

'and a labour of love for fencing enthusiast Malcolm Fare.'

Very nice to meet you.

'It contains early examples of equipment and rules of the sport that Malcolm has collected.

'Fencing has its roots in 16th-century duelling with rapiers.

'By the 17th century, it had developed from duelling practice into a sport.

'Rules were written down and the rapier developed into the foil.'

You love your weaponry.

-You're casting a very envious eye at that, aren't you?

-Indeed.

-My word!

-That's an early weapon.

Can I ask a very inane question? How much...? He's all about profit!

How much would it cost to buy an antique original foil like that?

Well, I was lucky in that it turned up at a provincial auction room.

Had no idea what it was, so it cost me less than £100.

But I have paid in France more than £800 for a later weapon, which was also quite rare.

So it depends who knows and who the customer is.

-There's auctions for you.

-We live the dream.

Hopefully, it won't come to sword fighting tomorrow!

'By the late 18th century,

'famous fencers were the David Beckhams of their day.

'They were asked to compete

'in front of the biggest fencing fan in the country, the Prince of Wales.

'This painting shows a famous match between the Chevalier St George

'and an enigmatic trail-blazer, the Chevalier d'Eon.'

D'Eon was an extraordinary character.

He was a soldier for 40-odd years.

He was a diplomat. He was a spy for Louis XV.

And he was a very good fencer.

'He also had a penchant for cross-dressing.

'It might have started to aid his spying in Russia and England,

'or just because he enjoyed it,

'but in 1777, at the age of 49 and living as political exile in London,

'he claimed he was anatomically female

'and decided to live as a woman.'

For various reasons, he got into deep financial difficulties

and he was also beginning to see

perhaps there were advantages to pretending to be a woman.

He would be more sympathetically treated.

He wanted to go back to France and clear up his family affairs.

'Because of his role in a spying scandal,

'the King wanted to make sure he wouldn't regain his previous place

'as a male noble in society.

'A strange sort of deal was agreed.'

Louis XV said, "OK, come back to France, sort out your affairs,

"but if you are a woman, you must dress as a woman."

And reluctantly, he dressed as a woman,

trying, at the same time, to return to the army, but they would have nothing to do with him.

'He can't have been that reluctant because in 1785,

'he returned to England but still chose to live as a woman.'

In fact, the last 14 years of his life, he rented a room in a boarding house

and his landlady had no idea that he was a man.

When the doctor came to examine the body and said, "This is the body of a man,"

she was astounded.

I bet she was! You can't really blame her, can you?

'No-one knows what his motivations for living as a woman were.

'As for the match against the Chevalier St George,

'd'Eon won seven points to one.

'So, go girl!

'In the spirit of Chevalier d'Eon,

'Mark is going to have a go at fencing.

'He's not going to wear women's clothes, but all the necessary safety equipment.'

PAUL LAUGHING

MARK ROARS

-Maybe you should give me some technical assistance here.

-OK.

First of all, you come en garde like this,

with both legs bent.

Then you straighten the arm and lunge.

Hooo! Hee-ha!

Haw! Ha! Haw!

-At the end, do we...?

-Then you salute.

Bring your foil up to your... Then you salute your opponent.

-So we're downing arms?

-That's right.

And I reveal my identity.

Me, the greatest swordsman in the west.

Fantastic. Thank you, Malcolm.

It's a very elegant sport done properly

and a very inelegant sport when done like I just did.

-Thank you. I've got the basics.

-Pleasure.

-I shall be employing them on you!

-PAUL LAUGHS

Let's go off. Next mission!

'And the next mission is the reveal,

'which Malcolm has very kindly lent us his garden for.'

-Your logistics look impressive.

-We've got more than you have!

LAUGHTER

As we all know, size doesn't matter.

OK.

Oh, I like the lamp!

-'Really?'

-Yeah. Love the lamp.

'You're about the only one - just you and me.'

Is that a bull's-eye condenser?

-Is that what it is? Bull's-eye condenser?

-Yeah.

-Yeah. It's a bull's-eye condenser!

-You had no idea what it was!

We knew exactly it was a bull's-eye condenser(!)

Bull's-eye condensers are SO last year.

Last year, they were flying off the shelves.

This year, no-one's interested!

So, we've a desk.

We have a rather nice pine chest.

Call it what you will, but I like the vaulted top. This is nice.

-Don't be too compliementary.

-But the soldier.

Looks like a wee dummy board. I like that.

-So your total spend?

-Two hundred and...

-How has it got a two at the beginning?

-..60 quid.

-260?

-Wow! You're almost throwing in the towel with this attitude.

Throwing in the flag? BOTH LAUGH

'Come on, boys. Show us your stuff.'

The first thing we've done together in harmony!

# Ta-da-da-da! #

Ah! Oh!

Not quite such an impressive...volume!

-One lot.

-This is the Mary Poppins, going on holiday lot.

-Flying the flag.

-Little parasol. The flag - they love the flags!

The market for a flag with a hole in it - huge!

It took a little bit of twisting of arms.

I'm sure that's a great winner(!)

Explain the rest. The rest is, you know, stuff.

That's late 19th-century, French, gilt-mounted,

-onyx, classical architectural cased clock.

-Yeah. How much?

-20.

-Ooh!

JUDITH: That's good. PAUL: Seriously!

How much have you spent altogether?

£100.

-Oh, wow!

-No?

The flag itself, I think will go for 100.

-How much was the case?

-Don't touch!

Don't want any of your bad karma on our stuff!

I think you've done really well.

'Is that what you really think, James?'

I think we have got the best lot by a mile.

The thing that makes me most confident

is the fear in Paul's eyes.

I can't tell you how lacking in optimism I am.

-I see this big stuff and they've got that desk for 90.

-I can't believe they got the desk for 90!

The flag with a hole in it, I'm not too keen on that.

Flags, no. The parasol, no. The game, no.

-The clock's good.

-The clock, that is their winning lot.

-Yeah.

Do we need to go and rest before the big battle commences?

Oi!

'And so on to auction.

'Our destination is 33 miles south, through the Cotswolds,

'into Gloucestershire, home to sunny Stroud.'

Are you excited, Mother, about the prospect of the auction?

Excited is one word. Yes.

It's the culmination of what we've been doing.

But nervous is another word which is applying to me today.

That reveal, I've got to say, I had a little offering, you had an antiques shop!

BOTH LAUGH

There's my lucky cow.

Morning. Who do you think is going to win the great auction showdown?

-MOO

-Ooh, maybe not!

-Oh, gosh!

-BOTH LAUGH

I think he was winding up for a charge.

Close shave! Let's get to this auction house before it gets too rural.

'Well, they all seem in the "mooood" for today's auction.

'It's in the gorgeous Cotswold town of Stroud.

'It's been called "Notting Hill with wellies",

'thanks to its thriving artistic community and various festivals.

'Today's auctioneers, the Stroud Auction Rooms, have been on the go for ten years,

'and recently took the title of the UK's number one online auctioneers.

'Today's auctioneer is James Taylor. What's he seen that's hot - and what's not?'

We've got buyers who like toys and retro things that remind them of childhood.

So the racing car set stands out nicely in this sale.

If we had to name one item that was going to struggle,

it's the magnifying glass - it's a bit random.

To be honest, we're not sure how it's going to fare in the auction.

'Whoops! Just raring to get off the ground are our two teams.

'Oh, dear!'

-LAUGHTER

-Ready for action!

You men! Boy racers!

Morning, partner. How are you?

Hello, hello, hello.

I've been awake half the night wondering what's going to happen.

Destiny awaits us! Shall we go?

Let battle commence. Try and keep it friendly. It's my mother, after all.

'So, to recap, both teams started the trip with £400.

'Judith and James have flown first class, spending £260 on seven items,

'which they've made into five lots.

'Mark and Paul have gone economy, only spending £100,

'also on seven items which they've made into five lots.

'Looks like there's a few no-shows in business class today,

'but there are phone and internet bidders to help the prices fly.

'With both teams strapped in and the safety announcements made,

'let the family feud begin!

'The first item is Mark and Paul's malt shovel.

'There's already been some bids come in online - thank goodness.'

Commission interest means I'm straight in at £45.

£45, the bid's on the book. Looking for eight.

48's on the net. 50 with me. Is there two? At £50. Five.

On the internet. 60 with me. Is there five?

At £65 on the internet. Looking for 70. At £65.

I'm selling to the net at 65... BANGS GAVEL

Well done!

'Fantastic start for the boys. A £40-profit straight off the bat!

'I mean, shovel. Next, it's the scientific lens,

'or bull's-eye condenser, to use its technical name.

'Our auctioneer thought it might struggle, but was he off-target?'

I'm bid straight in at £22.

25's on the net. 28 with me. Is there 30? At £28.

30 on the net now. Two with me. Is there five? At £32 with me.

35 takes me out on the net. Is there eight?

At £35, it's on the internet.

I'm selling to the net at 35. BANGS GAVEL

'Great start for team Chalmers, too. A magnified profit of £25.

'Next, it's Paul and Mark's 1960s battery-operated car.

'Will someone drive a hard bargain to get it?'

Little bit of interest means I'm straight in at £28. 30 on the net.

32's with me. Is there five? 35. 38's with me. Is there 40?

At £38. 40 takes me out on the internet. Is there two? At £40.

I'm selling to the net at 40. BANGS GAVEL

Percentage-wise, that has got to be the most successful purchase!

'James is right. That's a stunning 700% profit, before auction costs.

'If you could make that on a real car, you'd live the rest of your life in the fast lane.

'For the next lot,

'Judith and James have combined the George III copper saucepan

'with the Victorian desk lamp.'

A lot of commission interest. Straight in at £100. Is there 110?

The bid's on the book. 110's on the net. 120's with me. Is there 130?

130. 140's with me. Is there 150? At £140. Looking for 150.

I'm selling on the book at 140. BANGS GAVEL

Well done, guys! Well done!

'That's a truly copper-bottomed profit to light up Judith's day.

'It's the Mary Poppins lot of the 1950s suitcase,

'the air-conditioned Victorian parasol and the shabby Union Jack.

'If this can make a profit, anything can.'

I am shifting uncomfortably, because on my head be it.

I have commission interest at £28. Is there 30? At £28.

30's on the net. Is there two? 32 with me. Is there five?

At £32. 35. 38 still with me. Is there 40?

At £38. The bid's still with me. 40. 42 still with me. Is there five?

-45 takes me out on the net...

-# Britannia rule the waves #

Ssh!

..I'm selling to the net at 45. BANGS GAVEL

-It's a profit!

-It's a profit!

'A-mazing! The auction gods must be British.

'Next, it's a combined lot again of the George III toy cradle

'and the Scottish soldier. Atten-shun, everyone!'

We've had a lot of interest this morning.

I'm bid straight in at £80. Is there five? 85 on the net. 90 with me.

£90. 95. 100, still with me. Is there 110? 110. 120 with me.

Is there 130? 130 takes me out on the net. Is there 140...?

'Goodness! This internet lark is really delivering today!'

..At £130. I'm selling to the net at 130.

BANGS GAVEL

-Good old soldier!

-It's run through our meagre defences.

'Child's play, eh? Another whacking profit for Judith and James.

'Mark and Paul are doing OK,

'but need big profits to gain ground on team Chalmers.

'They have high hopes for the French 19th-century onyx clock.'

Straight in with me at £42. Is there five? 45's on the net.

48's with me. Is there 50? 55 still with me. Is there 60?

60 takes me out on the internet. Is there five? At £60.

I'm selling to the internet at 60. BANGS GAVEL

'The pine trunk is up next.

'It was the most expensive purchase so it could bring a big loss.

'But will fortune favour the brave?'

I'm bid in at £110. Is there 120? At £110. 120. 130's with me. 140?

140. 150's with me. Is there 160?

160. 170's with me. Is there 180?

At £170. It's on commission. Looking for 180.

At 170 I'm selling. BANGS GAVEL

-It's an absolute blood bath.

-I thought it might go a bit further.

'But it was enough profit to put you well into the lead, Judith.

'Listen up, everyone - it's the 1930s radio loudspeaker.

'The boys need this to make about £100 profit to stay in the game.'

-This is the heart of the battle.

-This is going to be it.

Bid's with me at £28. Is there 30? At £28. Looking for 30.

30's on the net. 32's with me. Is there five? 35.

38 still with me. Is there 40?

40. 42 still with me. Is there five? 45.

48 with me. Is there 50? 50 takes me out on the internet. Is there five?

I'm selling to the net at 50.

BANGS GAVEL

'That's not music to the boys' ears,

'but they have done remarkably well by racking up a profit on every lot.

'It's the final lot, the writing desk.

'A profit on this will mean Judith and James also haven't made a loss.'

Good luck, folks. Good luck.

I'm bid straight in at £120. Is there 130...?

'Straight into profit. Fantastic.'

..At £120 it's on the book. Looking for 130. 130 on the phone?

130 on the phone. 140's with me. 150?

150. 160's with me. 170?

170. 180's with me. 190?

I'm out at 190 on the telephone. Is there 200?

At £190, the bid's on the phone. Looking for 200.

Net's quiet. I'm selling to the phone at 190. BANGS GAVEL

-That'll do, though!

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

'And yet another great profit for Judith!

'An incredible Road Trip grand slam of a profit on every lot from both teams.'

-We've had a lot of fun.

-Off we go.

'So, let's see how they finished.

'Both teams today started with a £400 holiday...

'sorry, antiques budget.

'Mark and Paul's eclectic mix of souvenirs

'made a profit of £113.20p after auction costs,

'leaving them with a three-star total of £513.20p.

'Well done.

'But Judith and James's eye-catching collection won the day,

'making a profit of £285.30p after auction costs.

'This gives them a five-star total of £685.30p,

'leaving Judith with the bragging rights at Christmas dinner! Ha!'

James!

Hats off.

Well done!

Exciting!

Mother, you've been teaching me lessons about not picking my nose and brushing my hair,

-but that is the ultimate lesson.

-Can I kiss him, too?

-James, fantastic.

-What fun.

-It's been a wonderful experience.

-I need my mother back, I'm afraid.

-I must return her to my father.

-Your mother's never gone anywhere!

I'll miss you. The bromance is over. Just a holiday romance, though.

James, thank you.

'She's been to Nice and the isles of Greece,

'but has Judith ever been on a trip like this? I doubt it.

'All of her and Marks' profits will be going to Children In Need.

'Until next time, then, bon voyage.'

# How I wish Wish you were here... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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