Episode 9 Celebrity Antiques Road Trip


Episode 9

Actors Frances Barber and Phil Davis put their scripts aside and pair up with antiques experts Catherine Southon and Thomas Plant for a celebrity buying spree around East Sussex.


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Transcript


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Some of the nation's favourite celebrities.

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Why have I got such expensive taste?

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One antiques expert each.

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And one big challenge.

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Who can seek out and buy the best antiques at the very best prices?

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Answers on a post card.

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And auction for a big profit further down the road.

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Phil... Whoosh!

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Who will spot the good investments? Who will listen to advice?

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-Do you like it?

-No. It's horrible.

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And who will be the first to say, "Don't you know who I am?!"

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Well done, us.

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Time to put your pedal to the metal.

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This is Celebrity Antiques Road Trip!

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Yeah!

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We're in 1066 country for another epic battle.

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Two fresh celebrities each with £400 to spend

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and making their first foray into the world of oddities and curiosities.

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It's fellow actors and buddies Phil Davis and Frances Barber.

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So, Phil, do you think Battle was named before or after the Battle of Hastings?

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Well, my guess would be it was named after the Battle of Hastings.

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Unless they thought, "Let's attack there because it's already called Battle,

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-"and that would be convenient!"

-Job done!

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We've known each other ever since the Battle of Hastings, haven't we?

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Shortly after the Battle of Hastings. Late '70s.

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A friendship forged on the set of numerous TV shows,

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this award-winning duo most recently shared the screen

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in the BBC's gritty courtroom drama, Silk.

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But it all started in the '70s for Phil,

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when he landed the role of teenage mod Chalkie in cult movie Quadrophenia.

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He's since carved a career playing the sneering villain,

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the Dickensian baddy and the not-to-be-messed-with cop.

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Everybody says to me, "Did you keep the parka you wore in Quadrophenia?"

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I wish I had. It would be worth a fortune.

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-I know nothing about antiques.

-I don't know anything about antiques, either.

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Except I am one!

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Frances got her break in the '80s movie Sammy and Rosie Get Laid.

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In her lengthy stage and screen career,

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she's famous for playing fabulous, feisty females

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as everything from Cleopatra to Doctor Who's eye-patch-toting Madame Kovarian,

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hell-bent on his destruction.

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# The female of the species

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# Is more deadly than the male... #

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-Do you have a strategy? Tactics?

-I think high camp. It's all I know!

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Yes. Well, I'd better go for farm implements.

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Working men's stuff!

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Unless I could try and contact my feminine side!

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You've got a feminine side.

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I have, yes. It's at the back!

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Frances looks every bit the glamorous leading lady

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being driven around in this 1974 MGB convertible.

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Our thespians are on their way to rendezvous with two treasure super-sleuths,

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Thomas Plant and Catherine Southon.

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I'm taking you to the seaside!

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A very famous part of the world.

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The Battle of Hastings.

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It's a bit like us, really, together these next two days.

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-You have got no chance.

-I don't think I've got any chance at all.

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They've gone all continental in their 1985 Citroen Deux Chevaux,

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or 2CV, to you and me.

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But it's proving to be a bit of a handful.

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I think I'm in fourth.

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That's first!

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You can drive it, it's easy.

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Don't make out it's easy, Thomas.

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I know what's going on in that mind!

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What? My mind is simple!

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I know that!

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Check out this dashing young man.

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At home on the rostrum with a gavel in hand is Thomas Plant.

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With an eye for sparkle, he knows a thing or two about silver and jewellery.

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I'm like a pig in the proverbial, when it comes to things like that.

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But he can be a bit of a fuddy-duddy.

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I really like mother-of-pearl.

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It's sometimes a bit old-fashioned.

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Are you saying I'm a fusty old-fashioned man?

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The blonde bombshell is Catherine Southon.

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She knows exactly how to get her own way.

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You've got lovely eyes. Has anyone ever told you that?

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One of her specialities is maritime works of art.

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If she can ever make up her mind!

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I'm a ditherer. I really like something that you look at

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and you've got absolutely no idea what it is.

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You can't go wrong with a bit of novelty silver.

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Well, this should be interesting!

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The forage for fortune takes a route

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from Hastings on the coast of East Sussex

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through the home county of Kent,

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finishing at an auction in Chiswick,

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nestled on the meander of the Thames

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in the London borough of Hounslow.

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They're kicking off in the historic seaside town of Hastings.

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I think Frances is going to be hot.

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She's going to go in there and see what she wants and she'll buy it.

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-So what about Phil?

-He's a lad, isn't he? He's a bloke.

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-He might not be so into...

-I wouldn't call Phil Davis a lad.

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-He's a gentleman. You're a lad!

-Thank you!

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I'm just going to go with what I think I might buy someone who I thought liked antiques.

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-Yes.

-So, Derek Jacobi and his partner, they love antiques.

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Her Christmas card list must read like the credits of a Hollywood movie!

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If I was buying them a present, I'd go, "Derek would like that."

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You see, you're already up on me!

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Not only do I know nothing about antiques,

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I don't even know people who do know things about antiques!

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I'm at a severe disadvantage, here.

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ENGINE SPLUTTERS

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Oh, dear! Did someone say disadvantage?

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The Deux Chevaux is misbehaving already!

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Go on, give it some welly.

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-Oh!

-Rubbish!

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See what's wrong.

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Ouch!

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Oh, Thomas!

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Oh, blow on it. That'll do the trick.

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Frankly, they haven't got a clue.

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-Come on. We'll have to walk.

-Walk?!

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Yes, walk. You've got flat soles on.

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Which way?

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They've found out who we are!

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Yeah, they've done a runner!

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-Hello!

-Hello!

-Hello!

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What time do you call this?

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-Sorry!

-Very nice to meet you.

-Lovely to meet you, too.

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Sorry for being late! Thomas killed the car.

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So I think we're going to do battle of the sexes.

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-Right.

-The girls are going to stick together?

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I'm very happy to be with Frances. I think she'll be very feisty

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and she'll be fabulous.

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The problem is, I don't know much about antiques.

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-We're antique virgins.

-That's fine.

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We ARE antique virgins!

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-Let's get in. Come on.

-They're cheating already!

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-That's not on.

-You wait.

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We're going to find the biggest antiques, the bestest antiques, cos of that!

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Not very chivalrous of our gents,

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who are making a quick getaway in the only car that works.

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Philip, is this your first foray into the antiques world?

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I'm a junk shop aficionado,

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but I don't know the value of anything.

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But you do, so between us, we'll have it all covered.

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-There'll be a good cop/bad cop thing going on, I think.

-Yes.

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How do you think the girls will get on?

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I think they'll get on famously.

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-They had their arms around each other when they walked off!

-Did they?

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They did. It was very moving.

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Left without wheels, the girls are hot-footing it to their first shopping stop.

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But as Hastings is packed with antiques shops up these little cobbled streets,

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they've got the advantage.

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Feeling confident?

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No, not in the least. I'm just going to be led by you, Catherine.

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I was hoping to be led by you, cos I thought you'd have a very strong idea of what you wanted.

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The shop is aptly named Browsers

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and with £400 burning a hole in their pockets,

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the girls are ready to spend. The owner Pete has a couple of assistants on hand

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to help sniff out the best deals.

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-Hello!

-This one is Hugo, and this is Hattie.

-Beautiful.

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Let the ladies in.

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Let the bargain buying bonanza commence!

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Gosh! Where do we start?

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This is where you'll see I'm not very good at bartering.

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I once was held hostage in Morocco

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and they held me hostage to buy a carpet!

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They wouldn't let me go until we bought the carpet!

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-Oh, crikey!

-I hate Persian carpets, as a result!

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Darling, how awful!

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My nan had something like this.

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It's quite ugly, actually. It's depressing, isn't it?

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There's something about the colour that makes me feel it's not authentic.

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It's just too...

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As soon as you go in, she's, "I like this, I like that."

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And I knew she was going to be like that.

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She's really looking and finding some fantastic pieces.

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Looks like a death trap!

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That looks nice, Catherine.

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Look out! Frances has spotted another little thing of interest.

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You've got good taste.

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It's an Edwardian oak roll-top stationery holder.

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It's like, you know like one of those roll-top bureaux?

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-Does this work?

-The timber front, yes.

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It works lovely.

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That's very sweet, isn't it?

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It is nice. Would you put your stationery in there?

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Do you get a lot of fan mail?

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Yes, I do, from Doctor Who, actually.

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So I don't think I could fit those in.

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But as a piece of furniture, I think it's really pretty.

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There's no ticket price on it, so what kind of money is Peter talking?

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-I could do it for...

-Could you be very kind?

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50.

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Not very kind, then!

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What about if you did that for 40,

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and then the other one for free?

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Crikey! She's added a Georgian table top desk to the deal,

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but she hasn't even looked at it! She's keen!

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Both of them for 40.

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-Look at her...

-Go on!

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She's got such a cheeky smile!

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Keep smiling, cos it's working!

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I think she's one of these ladies that gets what she wants!

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I don't think we ever argue with a woman like this!

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I don't think Peter's going to even put up a fight!

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-OK.

-Brilliant.

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-She's good, isn't she?

-You're a very good man.

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Here we go. There we go.

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She's very, very good.

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Two for the price of one, eh? Top dealing, and they've not finished yet.

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Catherine's now spotted something that floats her boat.

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A beautiful ship's clock.

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-Does it work? It's like a bulkhead clock.

-Definitely works.

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-Definitely works.

-He's got a smile on his face!

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Never trust a dealer when they say it definitely works!

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This brass ship's bulkhead clock is circa 1920.

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I wonder who might buy a timepiece like this at auction?

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I know someone who'd love that. Tim Spall, for his boat.

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Have you seen his programme where he goes round in a barge?

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-But we're not selling to him!

-I know we're not selling to him!

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Wind him up, then. Give me a demo.

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The clock has a ticket price of £170 on it,

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but it's seen better days and Catherine knows it.

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It is working. If this was in tip-top condition,

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it would be worth about £200.

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It's not in tip-top condition.

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This is like a mould.

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-And this has all been repainted.

-OK.

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A horrid green colour.

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So you'd have to strip all this back.

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I can feel a really bad bid coming on!

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You're not the only one!

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So, with that in mind,

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I'm going to let you have a go, because you're quite feisty.

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What about 99?

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No!

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-No?

-No!

-I thought I was doing really well!

-No, you're not!

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It seems not!

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25 and I'll walk your dogs!

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Oh, cripes!

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I'm not happy about that, and they're definitely not happy!

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Try the cheeky smile again!

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What is your very best price you can do on that?

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I'll do £100 and you give the dogs a walk.

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Well, I never!

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-Come on!

-Come on!

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Hold on, who's taking who for a walk, then?

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I've got the wrong shoes on!

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Take care of them - they're priceless!

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With the help of man's - or in this case, woman's - best friend,

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they've secured three items of treasure for their truck,

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purchased for the princely sum of £140.

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Now, if Frances would only return the prized pooches,

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they can get on their way!

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Bucking up at their first shop,

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it's time for Thomas and Phil's antiquarian "bromance" to begin.

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They're in London Road, where shopkeepers Nick and Jill are ready to do a roaring trade.

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Is there anything you're passionate about, you two?

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-Making money!

-Making money!

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Touche, Jill!

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Phil, relaxing into his latest role as an antiques expert

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has already got something in his sights.

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-Do you know the way to tell if these are in good condition?

-I don't.

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Look down each monocular the wrong way round

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to see if they're all in line.

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Yeah, they're both in line.

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Lieberman and Gortz.

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Lieberman and Gortz was a brand name used by a Brixton-based company

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called H&G - Headquarter & General Supplies.

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Successful in the late '40s to '60s,

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they sold optical items and army surplus gear.

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Got 22 quid on it.

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-That's a possibility, isn't it?

-Yeah.

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We could build up quite a nice lot, actually.

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This is quite a nifty thing.

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Oh! I like that.

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You could buy the binoculars and put it with them as a little lot.

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What for the racing?

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It's midway between a seat and a shooting stick.

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Are you going to try it out?

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-Well, you know...

-You could do that.

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The buttocks are not suffering unduly!

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It's always a worry!

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Do you want to do some negotiation?

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-No, you do it. I bet you're really hard.

-I'm not. I'm not at all, I promise!

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It's all an act. He's a pussy cat, really.

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The twitching or racing set have a combined ticket price of £37.

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But Thomas is only offering £25.

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I have to say 25.

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-25 is absolutely fine.

-Is that all right?

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First deal of the day done in double-quick fashion.

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But this shop is full of enticing items,

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so the men are browsing on.

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-Do you play cribbage?

-Yeah, I used to.

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It's quite a nice collection.

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This one is rosewood with satinwood in there.

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-Yes.

-And it's on a mahogany base.

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-That's where the pegs would live.

-Yeah.

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This is a 19th-century one.

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And that one is fantastic. Look at that.

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You've got the suits. I think they're rather fun.

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What would you feel if we bought the lot?

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How much will it come to?

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About 100 quid?

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Nice try, Phil. More like £128.

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They are interested, but they're searching on.

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I think he's pretty hot.

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He seems to know his stuff, and this idea of taking disparate items and putting them together in a lot

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I think it is a good one.

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I feel like I'm in a foreign land!

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Where I don't speak the language!

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Thomas has trotted off around the shop and found not one but two more items.

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A 20th-century riding crop and a tribal leather swish, no less.

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-That is lovely.

-It is lovely.

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Hmm, lovely.

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Good antler handle, here.

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In the right sort of shop,

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that would be 50, £60.

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-What's it on for?

-12.

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And then the tribal fly swat for your chief.

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This is probably zebra. Look at the leather in there.

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-Yeah.

-The toolmanship. That's a good thing.

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-And together?

-Together I think that's a good lot, actually.

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The lads are quite taken with the whip and the swish. Ooh, I say!

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And they also want the cribbage boards.

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So it's time to find Jill and strike another deal.

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-We'd like the lot.

-Have we worked out how much they are adding them up?

-No!

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A dealer owns the boards,

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so Jill will need to make a call.

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But the whip and swish are hers to negotiate.

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They have a combined ticket price of £27

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but what will she let them go for?

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-I thought 20 for those two would be all right.

-Yeah.

0:15:570:15:59

-And ask her about the cribbage...

-I'll call her on the cribbage boards.

0:15:590:16:03

Let's hope Jill's back with good news

0:16:030:16:04

that won't make muggins out of them.

0:16:040:16:06

What's the news?

0:16:060:16:08

£60 buys them.

0:16:080:16:10

-The lot?

-The lot.

0:16:100:16:12

-Well, let's do it, yeah?

-Yes, do it for 60.

0:16:120:16:14

Do it for 60. Thank you very much.

0:16:140:16:16

-Thank you very much.

-I think our shopping's done, here.

0:16:160:16:18

The chaps have kicked off their shopping spree in spectacular style

0:16:180:16:22

on the sporty set of treasures.

0:16:220:16:24

Field glasses, a folding stool, a plethora of cribbage boards,

0:16:240:16:27

a riding crop and swish, all for £105 of their £400 budget.

0:16:270:16:32

-Thank you very much.

-Thank you very much!

0:16:320:16:34

We're along here, somewhere.

0:16:340:16:36

Catherine's taking our leading lady off the beaten track

0:16:360:16:39

to a museum and working shop

0:16:390:16:41

internationally renowned for producing artificial flowers and leaves

0:16:410:16:45

for multi-million-pound movies and theatrical productions.

0:16:450:16:48

So this should be right up Frances's street.

0:16:540:16:56

Hello, ladies!

0:16:560:16:58

-And you are?

-Brenda.

0:16:580:17:00

Brenda, nice to meet you.

0:17:000:17:02

Hello. This is Frances?

0:17:020:17:04

Brenda has one of the largest collections of flower moulds in the UK,

0:17:040:17:08

consisting of 10,000 different species,

0:17:080:17:11

so it's no wonder she's in high demand.

0:17:110:17:13

I'm a bit mesmerised at the moment, by all of these flowers!

0:17:130:17:17

-Lovely.

-This is incredible!

0:17:170:17:20

Her flowery creations adorn the sets and costumes of West End and Broadway shows.

0:17:200:17:25

She works regularly with Mamma Mia,

0:17:260:17:28

not to mention Andrew Lloyd Webber.

0:17:280:17:30

We're known in this country that we produce the best leaves in the world.

0:17:300:17:35

So what stage production is this for?

0:17:350:17:37

That's for Love Never Dies, Andrew Lloyd Webber's.

0:17:370:17:40

I bet you've done The Winter's Tale a few times!

0:17:400:17:43

-Yes!

-Midsummer Night's Dream and Madame Butterfly, we specialise in.

0:17:430:17:47

-Of course!

-How amazing.

0:17:470:17:50

Some of Brenda's film credits include The Iron Lady,

0:17:520:17:55

Reign of Fire, and Kingdom of Heaven.

0:17:550:17:58

But there's one spectacular scene in Ridley Scott's Gladiator

0:17:580:18:01

that most fans of the movie will recall.

0:18:010:18:04

Somebody told me that you did all the flowers for Gladiator,

0:18:040:18:08

when all the rose petals went into the gladiatorial ring.

0:18:080:18:12

And the brief for that was that we had to cover 38,000 square feet with petals!

0:18:120:18:19

And it was filmed in Malta, I believe.

0:18:190:18:21

-I was there.

-Oh, you were there!

-Were you?

0:18:210:18:23

A friend of mine was in it, and I saw that scene being filmed.

0:18:230:18:27

-You saw them with all the...

-I certainly did.

0:18:270:18:29

I was trying to be one of the Vestal Virgins, but they wouldn't have me!

0:18:290:18:32

They wouldn't have you!

0:18:320:18:34

Brenda owns one of the largest collections of archive samples

0:18:360:18:41

and tools of the trade preserved in this working shop and museum.

0:18:410:18:44

Downstairs is where the magic happens

0:18:440:18:46

and where Brenda's extraordinary working collection of cutting moulds and machinery

0:18:460:18:51

are used and displayed.

0:18:510:18:53

-Wow!

-I'm sort of speechless, really.

-So am I!

0:18:530:18:56

Your faces are amazing, actually. Yes, it's lovely.

0:18:560:19:00

I had no idea these things existed.

0:19:000:19:02

Why would you? You wear costumes all the time,

0:19:020:19:06

-and you probably don't even give it a thought where some of these leaves have come from.

-Indeed I don't.

0:19:060:19:12

Brenda and her assistant Loretta

0:19:120:19:15

use the cutting machine and the various moulds,

0:19:150:19:18

some of which are over 100 years old, to cut out the leaves.

0:19:180:19:21

This is only part of the process.

0:19:210:19:23

Next door is a room dedicated to embossing or veining the many species Brenda recreates.

0:19:230:19:29

That's the job we've just finished. It's gone to the Met in New York.

0:19:290:19:33

They're so real, aren't they?

0:19:330:19:34

So the operator puts it in there. That's the top that goes on it.

0:19:340:19:39

It goes under there...

0:19:390:19:41

..and out it comes.

0:19:430:19:44

That is incredible.

0:19:440:19:46

-God!

-And that absolutely does look real, now.

0:19:460:19:50

So you can be a worker, and you can vein some leaves.

0:19:500:19:54

Have you looked to see it's going in the right way?

0:19:540:19:57

You haven't, have you?

0:19:570:19:59

But she's got it in there!

0:19:590:20:01

Now, I failed my Art O Level, I'm here to tell you!

0:20:040:20:07

-And then I put it back...

-That's it.

0:20:090:20:11

Hooray!

0:20:110:20:13

-Look at that, your first...

-My first veiny leaf!

0:20:130:20:17

Now, when you see these in the National Theatre...

0:20:170:20:21

I will know how much work and effort and love went into it.

0:20:210:20:24

It's been wonderful. Thank you so much.

0:20:240:20:26

And now I think we should drift off like leaves!

0:20:260:20:29

-Go and have a glass of wine.

-Ooh, lovely!

0:20:310:20:34

-Thank you!

-Bye!

0:20:340:20:35

Bravo, girls.

0:20:350:20:37

Ambling to the next antique emporium are the chaps.

0:20:380:20:42

And, boy, are they starting to feel the pressure of the competition.

0:20:420:20:45

-I do want to win, don't you?

-We've got to beat the girls, yeah.

0:20:450:20:49

-They beat you at everything else in life!

-Indeed!

0:20:490:20:52

Definitely! So this is our one chance!

0:20:520:20:55

This is our one chance to say who's boss.

0:20:550:20:58

Anyway, King's Road Antiques.

0:20:580:21:00

Feeling a little inferior, perhaps? Time to man up.

0:21:000:21:03

-I'm Charles.

-Nice to meet you.

-Hello, Charles.

0:21:040:21:06

-Can we have a look round?

-Please do.

0:21:060:21:08

What's this?

0:21:110:21:13

How much is the croquet set?

0:21:130:21:14

Another game? Oh, boys!

0:21:140:21:17

-150.

-150 on that.

0:21:170:21:19

Never played croquet. They say it's a terrifically good game.

0:21:190:21:23

-Let's check we've got everything.

-So you've got to get through the hoops.

0:21:230:21:26

And then you've got to end up almost like the flat.

0:21:260:21:30

-Four balls.

-They're plastic.

0:21:300:21:33

-It's not the oldest thing in the world.

-No.

0:21:330:21:34

It's not an antique.

0:21:340:21:36

Do you know what the best is on that?

0:21:360:21:38

-It's only just arrived in.

-OK.

-I need to have a chat with the trader.

0:21:380:21:42

-See what I can do.

-We'll look down here, as well.

0:21:420:21:44

The croquet set is made by Jaques of London,

0:21:440:21:46

one of the oldest manufacturers of games in the world.

0:21:460:21:49

The company may be old, but this set is definitely not.

0:21:490:21:53

What is his very best?

0:21:530:21:55

Can we do 130?

0:21:550:21:57

Oh, no!

0:21:570:21:58

No, a bit less.

0:21:580:22:00

Let's get it down to about 120, then.

0:22:000:22:02

I was thinking more like a two-figure price.

0:22:020:22:04

That would be my preferred figure.

0:22:040:22:07

I'll have another word and see what the rock bottom price is that we can do for you.

0:22:070:22:11

It's a good thing, a wonderful thing,

0:22:110:22:13

but we're trying to make a bit of profit on it as well.

0:22:130:22:16

We would do, too.

0:22:160:22:18

Yes, I can see that. It does make two of us.

0:22:180:22:20

Actually, that makes three of them.

0:22:200:22:22

The dealer who owns the set is in the shop, now,

0:22:220:22:24

so Charles can consult him directly.

0:22:240:22:26

It's only just come in today. I always sell them.

0:22:260:22:30

-It's a lot of money.

-They should easily get that.

-Easily get it.

0:22:300:22:34

-There's a margin in it for them.

-Yeah.

0:22:340:22:37

-He's a tough-looking cookie!

-He's a tough-looking...

0:22:370:22:39

-That's leather, that pork pie. I'm not going to mess with him. You'll have to negotiate.

-Think so?

0:22:410:22:46

Got something against hats?

0:22:460:22:47

See what you can do, Chas.

0:22:470:22:50

Chas, have you got bad news for us?

0:22:500:22:51

Bad news? No, I can move a little bit more.

0:22:510:22:55

-It's not going to be the two figures.

-No? What's it going to be?

0:22:550:22:58

-£100?

-I can do 110.

0:22:580:23:00

-110.

-If you can't make a good profit on that, change the day job!

0:23:000:23:05

Cheeky monkey!

0:23:050:23:07

It's time to hammer home a deal,

0:23:070:23:09

and Thomas sees a final opportunity to try his luck with Charles.

0:23:090:23:12

And this is sure to work.

0:23:130:23:15

After all, us men have got to stick together.

0:23:150:23:17

WHISPERS: Charles, we've got to beat the girls!

0:23:180:23:21

£100. Come on.

0:23:210:23:23

-Everything at stake, is it?

-Bring back that...

-If they beat us, we'll be so humiliated.

0:23:230:23:28

-They win everything. Don't they?

-In life.

-Yeah.

-Except giving birth.

0:23:280:23:34

-Yeah. Well, they can keep that one.

-They can keep that one!

0:23:340:23:37

100 quid.

0:23:370:23:39

100 quid?

0:23:400:23:41

All right. 100 quid. Done.

0:23:420:23:44

-Thank you, Charles.

-We appreciate this.

0:23:440:23:46

A man's got to do what a man's got to do.

0:23:460:23:49

And that's another item of swag bagged.

0:23:490:23:51

Leaving them with £195 left to splurge before auction.

0:23:510:23:55

Meanwhile, these two treasure-seeking trail-blazers

0:23:570:24:00

are tripping the light fantastic

0:24:000:24:02

to their next port of call,

0:24:020:24:03

pondering their performance thus far.

0:24:030:24:06

-I'm happy with what we've bought.

-Good.

0:24:080:24:10

-I wonder how they're getting on?

-Oh, I hope terribly!

0:24:100:24:13

I hope they've broken down.

0:24:130:24:15

No such luck, lovey. The girls are here today at a shop called Gone Tomorrow,

0:24:150:24:20

hoping to discover more precious oddities.

0:24:200:24:23

-This was my dog!

-Oh, no!

0:24:240:24:26

Ruff! Down, boy!

0:24:260:24:28

-Really? What was he called?

-Smack.

0:24:280:24:30

Smack? Why Smack?

0:24:300:24:32

Louis Spence named him. I was in a show with Louis.

0:24:320:24:36

A man about a dog. A dog called Smack.

0:24:360:24:38

Oh, he's lovely. But I wouldn't have anywhere to put him.

0:24:380:24:41

-We're not buying for you!

-I know! I forgot!

0:24:410:24:44

Right. I shall shut up.

0:24:440:24:46

Just a matter of the silly old auction to bear in mind, darling.

0:24:460:24:50

So you might just want to put that saucy little thing down, too.

0:24:500:24:53

One of the pictures is of somebody spanking another person's bottom.

0:24:530:24:57

-Oh, how fabulous.

-One of the reasons I bought it!

0:24:570:24:59

A woman after my own heart!

0:25:030:25:05

A-hem! The less said about that, the better!

0:25:050:25:08

These are nice. Aren't they beautiful?

0:25:080:25:10

Catherine's attention is on something far more appropriate.

0:25:100:25:14

A pair of wooden clubs with a ticket price of £100.

0:25:140:25:18

Why are they so much money, though?

0:25:180:25:20

Because a local businessman told me he thought they were used in the original Schweppes advert.

0:25:200:25:28

There was some guy in a suit, juggling these things.

0:25:280:25:31

Hmm. Likely story!

0:25:310:25:33

It reminds me of one of the pictures of a strongman in a circus.

0:25:330:25:38

In early Victoriana doing that kind of thing.

0:25:380:25:43

-Do you know what I mean?

-Show me.

0:25:430:25:45

Give me a pose. Show me what they do!

0:25:450:25:50

When they used to do those kind of things with their legs,

0:25:500:25:53

the strongmen in the circus.

0:25:530:25:54

-But what does that do?

-I don't know. I've seen photos of things like that.

0:25:540:25:58

-People holding things like this?

-I think so.

0:25:580:26:01

That's my best bet!

0:26:030:26:05

She's such a thespian!

0:26:050:26:07

-What would you do on those?

-Go on, offer me.

0:26:070:26:10

We'd probably go about 20, I think.

0:26:100:26:12

Cos it's a gamble. They're things that you just don't know about.

0:26:130:26:17

-25?

-I'm not getting any feedback from my partner.

0:26:170:26:21

-No, I'm thinking...

-She's being a silent partner!

0:26:210:26:23

No, I'm thinking that...

0:26:230:26:25

..that's very interesting.

0:26:270:26:28

Very interesting indeed.

0:26:280:26:30

Frances's theatrics have obviously left an impression on Catherine,

0:26:300:26:35

as she's desperate for more background to the unusual clubs.

0:26:350:26:38

-Who was the gentleman who...

-It was his great-uncle.

0:26:380:26:42

He was an engineer on the Titanic.

0:26:420:26:44

This is all I know, but I believe it to be true.

0:26:440:26:47

It's certainly a romantic notion,

0:26:470:26:50

but why let the truth get in the way of a good story, eh?

0:26:500:26:52

What's the magic number?

0:26:520:26:54

-Would you do 20?

-22.50 and I'll do it.

0:26:540:26:59

-I think that's very attractive.

-It is.

-Jolly fair.

0:26:590:27:03

Incredibly fair.

0:27:030:27:04

Thank you very much indeed.

0:27:040:27:06

The girls' collection of curiosities is mounting.

0:27:060:27:09

And they still have over half their budget left. Good work.

0:27:090:27:13

The battle of the sexes has begun!

0:27:130:27:16

I know you want to beat the boys, but that's taking it too far!

0:27:170:27:20

So, with two bulging bags of swag,

0:27:210:27:23

our dedicated followers of fortune can wrap up today's buying blitz.

0:27:230:27:28

I think the girls may be off "clubbing"!

0:27:280:27:31

Night-night, teams.

0:27:310:27:32

It's curtains up on a new day in sunny East Sussex.

0:27:340:27:36

The Deux Chevaux is back on the road

0:27:360:27:38

and before our teams take sides,

0:27:380:27:41

they're reflecting on their progress.

0:27:410:27:43

-How was your day?

-It was brilliant. Absolutely brilliant.

0:27:430:27:47

We bought some fabulous items!

0:27:470:27:48

Oh, we're gonna beat you!

0:27:480:27:51

You're trying to bluff, aren't you?

0:27:510:27:53

How mature, Thomas!

0:27:530:27:55

How did you get on yesterday?

0:27:550:27:57

As an antique virgin, I actually think we did really well.

0:27:570:28:02

I think we got three lots.

0:28:020:28:05

-We got four.

-You did not!

0:28:050:28:07

We got three in the first shop. I don't want to boast.

0:28:070:28:10

-Three in the first shop?!

-And I found one of them.

-Huh!

0:28:100:28:13

So, looking good for the boys.

0:28:130:28:16

Don't get too cocky, chaps!

0:28:160:28:17

Our foraging females have so far spent £162.50,

0:28:210:28:25

picking up a brass bulkhead clock,

0:28:250:28:27

a couple of table-top stationery desks,

0:28:270:28:29

and a pair of Edwardian exercise clubs.

0:28:290:28:32

They have £237.50 left to spend before auction.

0:28:320:28:36

Phil... Whoosh!

0:28:360:28:38

So far, the wheeling-dealing men

0:28:390:28:41

have forked out £205 on field glasses, a stool,

0:28:410:28:45

a crop and tribal swish,

0:28:450:28:47

a Jaques croquet set

0:28:470:28:49

plus enough cribbage boards to choke a horse,

0:28:490:28:52

leaving them £195 to splash out today.

0:28:520:28:55

The buttocks are not suffering unduly.

0:28:550:28:57

Staying in East Sussex,

0:28:570:28:59

the troops are heading north-west

0:28:590:29:01

to a little market town called Heathfield

0:29:010:29:03

which has its very own Doctor Who.

0:29:030:29:06

Tom Baker lives here.

0:29:060:29:08

-Morning!

-Morning!

0:29:080:29:10

What time do you call this?

0:29:100:29:12

Frances is still in the car. What's going on?

0:29:120:29:14

I'm not getting out. The girls are having this car.

0:29:140:29:17

I don't look good in that car. It's going to clash with my outfit. I'm not getting out.

0:29:170:29:23

You'd look good in anything, darling!

0:29:230:29:24

All right. OK. The women win.

0:29:240:29:27

This is the last time you're going to win! Bye!

0:29:270:29:30

Go, girls! Go, girls!

0:29:300:29:32

-Good luck, Phil!

-Thanks. And you, Frances!

0:29:320:29:35

They've won the battle, but they'll lose the war.

0:29:350:29:37

I think the girls might beg to differ.

0:29:380:29:41

The thing is, we've won a sort of moral victory anyway, because we've got the car.

0:29:410:29:46

-Which I think is only right because...

-They had it yesterday.

0:29:460:29:50

It's as simple as that.

0:29:500:29:52

But my worry is that when I get into the auction,

0:29:520:29:54

I will be very competitive.

0:29:540:29:57

-That's OK.

-I'm not happy with that trait in my personality,

0:29:570:30:00

but I just know it'll be there.

0:30:000:30:02

Oh, crikey! Watch out, boys, this lady means business!

0:30:020:30:06

Right. Here we go.

0:30:080:30:10

Time for the men's pursuit of riches to continue.

0:30:100:30:14

By the look of things, they've come to the right place.

0:30:140:30:16

Oh, my God. This is like the Tardis!

0:30:160:30:18

Frances would be right at home!

0:30:180:30:21

Shopminder Caroline is on hand

0:30:210:30:23

to help with all Thomas's unusual queries.

0:30:230:30:26

-Is that a rollock?

-'Excuse me?'

0:30:260:30:28

-To put your oar in? Called rollocks, are they?

-Yes, possibly!

0:30:280:30:32

They usually come in pairs!

0:30:330:30:34

Rollocks, of course.

0:30:340:30:36

It's the chaps' final shopping destination,

0:30:360:30:39

and with plenty of plunder already purchased,

0:30:390:30:41

they can browse at their leisure.

0:30:410:30:43

What on earth has Caroline got there?

0:30:430:30:45

It's a sherry engine.

0:30:450:30:47

A what?

0:30:470:30:49

Obviously it does the job it's meant to do.

0:30:490:30:51

-It pours the sherry.

-Yeah.

0:30:510:30:53

It's a very good price. I just thought you might want to think about it.

0:30:530:30:57

-I don't fancy this sherry pourer.

-I hate the sherry thing.

0:30:590:31:02

You could just pour it yourself with your hand!

0:31:020:31:04

Absolutely!

0:31:040:31:06

I couldn't agree more, Phil.

0:31:060:31:07

Thomas loves a bit of silver, and he's homed in on a cabinet stacked with the shiny stuff.

0:31:070:31:12

Napkin rings. Silver-topped cut glass jar.

0:31:120:31:16

This is silver.

0:31:160:31:17

Not worth a great deal just as a piece of silver. Probably about 13 quid.

0:31:170:31:21

But as a glass jar, it's actually rather delightful.

0:31:210:31:25

Toasting fork, is it?

0:31:250:31:27

A toasting fork, quite right.

0:31:270:31:29

This is a Staffordshire porcelain handle.

0:31:290:31:32

Probably by Derby or somebody like that.

0:31:320:31:35

-Silver plate. Lovely handle.

-Lovely handle pattern.

-Yeah.

0:31:350:31:39

I can feel a lot coming on.

0:31:420:31:44

I thought it was just the way you were standing.

0:31:440:31:46

You could put the cake basket with it. This is silver plate.

0:31:460:31:49

£65.

0:31:490:31:51

Too pricey, by far.

0:31:520:31:53

Get Caroline on the line to the dealer to negotiate for the whole lot.

0:31:530:31:57

The 19th-century silver cake basket, silver-topped glass bottles and toasting fork

0:31:570:32:02

have a combined ticket price of £116

0:32:020:32:05

but the chaps are pleading poverty.

0:32:050:32:07

As usual.

0:32:070:32:09

-Explain the dire situation.

-We're very poor.

0:32:090:32:13

Oh, please!

0:32:130:32:14

-That's quite a good lot.

-Yeah.

-Happy with that?

-Yeah, I am.

0:32:140:32:18

I love especially the fork.

0:32:180:32:21

The fork is good.

0:32:210:32:23

I think we've established that they like the fork.

0:32:230:32:26

So what's the damage, Caroline?

0:32:260:32:28

It comes to 116, and his bottom dollar, I'm afraid there's no bartering, £65.

0:32:280:32:34

-Oh!

-I think that's really fair.

0:32:340:32:36

-That is quite nice. What do you think?

-I think we should go for it.

0:32:360:32:39

-I think it's a good lot.

-We'll go for it. Thank you, Caroline.

-Appreciate it.

0:32:390:32:42

-Thank your friend.

-Right, we're done.

0:32:420:32:44

Hoorah! What a knock-out price!

0:32:440:32:47

And with that, the men's whistle-stop shopping trip is over

0:32:470:32:50

and they've £130 of their budget left unspent.

0:32:500:32:53

-I fell in love with the fork.

-You did love the fork!

0:32:550:32:57

It's the first time it's ever happened to me.

0:32:570:32:59

I'm a bit overwhelmed!

0:32:590:33:00

Come on, let's go.

0:33:040:33:05

There's no rest for the wicked, though,

0:33:050:33:08

which means Catherine and Frances better get cracking.

0:33:080:33:11

So do you have a particular strategy for today?

0:33:110:33:14

I'm thinking slightly smaller, value things.

0:33:140:33:18

-Unless we do see something that is so...

-A whopper.

0:33:180:33:21

..so fabulous that we can't walk away.

0:33:210:33:23

I'm going to let you negotiate, because you are the best negotiator in the country.

0:33:230:33:29

-I've never been able to negotiate in my life before!

-You're brilliant.

0:33:290:33:32

I'm a showing off pill, because I've never been able to do it.

0:33:320:33:36

Oh, I don't know. For a novice, you seem to have taken the lead role.

0:33:360:33:40

They've arrived at the treasure trove, and hopefully, Aunty's got a treat in store.

0:33:400:33:45

For the auction, Frances, for the auction.

0:33:450:33:48

You've caught me! I'm not supposed... It's rather marvellous.

0:33:480:33:50

That's lovely, isn't it?

0:33:500:33:53

She just can't help herself!

0:33:530:33:55

Right. I'll get something and then come back and buy it.

0:33:550:33:58

Right. Um...

0:33:580:34:00

Off you go, then!

0:34:000:34:02

Catherine's drawn to a mahogany snuff box, circa 1800.

0:34:020:34:05

But these tiny bellows have an over-inflated price tag of £265.

0:34:050:34:12

So much for going for smaller value items!

0:34:120:34:14

Look at that. Miniature bellows. This is Georgian.

0:34:140:34:19

And it's just divine.

0:34:190:34:22

It's actually a little snuff box.

0:34:220:34:23

-Oh, it's a snuff box?

-On the back, that slides open, and you put your snuff in.

-How amazing!

0:34:230:34:30

-That's just fabulous, isn't it?

-That is beautiful.

0:34:300:34:34

But who uses snuff boxes these days? Frances?

0:34:340:34:38

I know Pete Townshend from The Who. He's a friend of mine.

0:34:380:34:41

-I don't know if he still does it, but he takes snuff all the time.

-Does he?

0:34:410:34:45

-Would he have something like that?

-In the shape of a guitar, he might.

0:34:450:34:48

-It's beautifully made.

-It's gorgeous.

0:34:480:34:51

And it's got on it, "Forget me not".

0:34:510:34:52

It's the sort of thing you'd give to your loved one.

0:34:520:34:55

It's a proper love gift. All I ever got was a travel kettle as a love gift!

0:34:550:35:00

-Did you? That's quite sad, isn't it?

-From a French man.

0:35:000:35:03

But he did say, "The kettle is a love gift", but it didn't make it any better!

0:35:030:35:08

Sacre bleu! With such a hefty price tag of £265,

0:35:080:35:13

Catherine needs to get her negotiating head on

0:35:130:35:16

and speak to the dealer direct.

0:35:160:35:18

210? You wouldn't go to 200?

0:35:180:35:20

Thank you very much. Thank you. Bye.

0:35:210:35:23

I think 210 was her best.

0:35:250:35:27

-210 is too much, isn't it?

-It is, isn't it?

0:35:270:35:30

£210 is a huge sum of money. Too much to risk.

0:35:300:35:34

Upstairs, Frances spots a set of decorative horse brasses, called hames,

0:35:340:35:39

priced at £90 for the pair.

0:35:390:35:41

These are the weirdest things. They're vintage harnesses.

0:35:410:35:44

For a carthorse with a mark from the manufacturer, I suppose.

0:35:440:35:48

-Where?

-There.

0:35:480:35:50

-No, it says "solid brass".

-I haven't got my glasses on!

0:35:500:35:55

At least one of you can see what's going on.

0:35:550:35:58

There's an incomplete pair of hames downstairs at only £26

0:35:580:36:02

and owner Nigel is happy to be drawn into a discussion over the price.

0:36:020:36:06

Frances is throwing in some familiar moves. Look out!

0:36:060:36:09

-I can hold them like the Indian clubs.

-You're amazing! Amazing.

0:36:090:36:14

How much are they?

0:36:140:36:16

Smile at me nicely.

0:36:160:36:18

She's got the best smile on television!

0:36:180:36:21

Go for 15 quid for them.

0:36:210:36:23

He "hames" to please! Sorry.

0:36:230:36:26

-Happy with that?

-Yes, I am.

0:36:260:36:28

She's really got the hang of this negotiating lark,

0:36:280:36:31

but there's still a little something playing on their minds.

0:36:310:36:34

The snuff box.

0:36:340:36:36

-Your very shrewd instincts.

-I don't like the way you call them "your".

0:36:360:36:40

-Only because...

-It means you're having nothing to do with them!

0:36:420:36:45

I'll tell you exactly why. You've never seen one like that.

0:36:450:36:48

-And I think that is a very shrewd...

-I love novelty things like that.

-Exactly.

0:36:480:36:54

-I think we should do it.

-It shouldn't... It should not make a loss. It shouldn't.

0:36:540:36:59

The dealer wants £210 for it. To be sure of a profit, they need a considerable discount.

0:36:590:37:05

Stop umming and ah-ing, and make your mind up, girls.

0:37:050:37:07

If it all goes wrong...

0:37:070:37:10

I'm not going to blame you in the least. Not at all.

0:37:100:37:14

Go on, Catherine. Knock 'em down on price, girl!

0:37:140:37:16

200?

0:37:170:37:18

No, it has got to be 210.

0:37:180:37:20

Or not.

0:37:200:37:22

Yes, go on, go on.

0:37:230:37:25

-Go for it.

-That was quick!

0:37:250:37:27

Blimey! What a big price for such a tiny object.

0:37:270:37:30

They've really taken a risk on that snuff box!

0:37:300:37:32

Oh, my gosh. Look.

0:37:330:37:34

Oh, Lord, what now?

0:37:340:37:36

Oh, they're lovely!

0:37:370:37:39

You're terrible, aren't you?

0:37:390:37:42

-Nigel...

-Yes, love?

0:37:420:37:44

Watch out, Nigel. She's fixing you with that winning smile!

0:37:440:37:48

These 1930s nickel-plated binoculars

0:37:480:37:50

are 13.50.

0:37:500:37:52

The girls have £12.50 left.

0:37:520:37:54

I'll do them for nine for you. How's that?

0:37:540:37:57

-Shake on nine. Thank you very much.

-You're a lovely man, Nigel.

-Thank you.

0:37:570:38:01

Hey presto, they've spent almost their entire £400 budget.

0:38:010:38:05

They've got £3.50 left to get them to the auction.

0:38:050:38:09

I can't believe we've spent so much money.

0:38:090:38:11

I always spend everything I've got!

0:38:110:38:13

-You're a bad influence!

-I've never gone shopping and come home with change!

-Really? Right.

0:38:130:38:17

Now she tells us!

0:38:170:38:19

Not sparing any horses,

0:38:210:38:23

the chaps are taking the Deux Chevaux north into Kent.

0:38:230:38:25

They're heading to Chiddingstone Castle.

0:38:250:38:28

Phil, how did you become an actor?

0:38:280:38:30

I've wanted to become an actor from a very young age

0:38:300:38:33

when I was about eight or nine.

0:38:330:38:35

Before I'd ever seen a play or been to the theatre or anything like that.

0:38:350:38:39

It's been a long haul.

0:38:390:38:42

But as I've got older, the range of parts that I've played have spread.

0:38:420:38:45

But the first film that was a big success

0:38:450:38:49

was Quadrophenia.

0:38:490:38:51

This was a film that everybody wanted to be in.

0:38:510:38:54

We were all great Who fans.

0:38:540:38:56

Riding round Brighton on the scooters. Absolutely hoot.

0:38:560:38:59

The shopping trip is at an end,

0:38:590:39:01

but the learning curve for Phil continues here

0:39:010:39:04

at Chiddingstone Castle.

0:39:040:39:05

It was once home to eccentric bank clerk turned antique collector

0:39:050:39:10

Denys Bower.

0:39:100:39:11

Jailed for attempted murder,

0:39:110:39:13

his unusual story tells like a gritty drama that Phil might play the lead in.

0:39:130:39:18

-Hello!

-I'm Thomas.

-I'm Phil.

-Hi, Phil. Very nice to see you.

0:39:180:39:22

-Come on in.

-Thank you.

0:39:220:39:23

The castle still houses his eclectic collection

0:39:250:39:28

of Japanese, Egyptian, Buddhist and Jacobean artefacts

0:39:280:39:31

and trustee Margaret knows a thing or two about them

0:39:310:39:34

and the extraordinary man who lived here.

0:39:340:39:36

Did he have plenty of money?

0:39:360:39:38

He didn't. That was the amazing thing.

0:39:380:39:41

He began life, his working life, as a bank clerk.

0:39:410:39:45

And he used to go from branch to branch because he was always slipping off to auctions

0:39:450:39:51

and so they kept moving him on!

0:39:510:39:53

Bower left banking, opened an antiques shop in London

0:39:540:39:57

and became a very successful dealer.

0:39:570:40:00

In the 1950s, his shop lease ran out,

0:40:000:40:02

so he decided to buy a castle

0:40:020:40:05

where he could house and exhibit his collection.

0:40:050:40:07

His Japanese collection is one of the largest outside Japan

0:40:070:40:12

and includes an extensive range of lacquer objects, armour, helmets and swords.

0:40:120:40:16

Look at this - a Samurai outfit.

0:40:180:40:19

That's so rare, isn't it?

0:40:190:40:21

-It's not metal, is it?

-It's probably a lacquer.

0:40:210:40:24

A papier mache with lacquer built up and fabric and silks.

0:40:240:40:28

They were meant to stop an arrow, all those layers in there.

0:40:280:40:33

-He's got swords coming out of his ears!

-He has, hasn't he?

0:40:330:40:35

Bower was a Buddhist and believed he was the reincarnation of Bonnie Prince Charlie.

0:40:350:40:40

Which was one of the reasons for his keen interest in the Jacobites

0:40:400:40:44

and the history of the Stuart line.

0:40:440:40:46

He wasn't completely mad, was he?

0:40:460:40:48

No... I mean an eccentric.

0:40:480:40:52

So extensive and intimate is Bower's Jacobean collection,

0:40:520:40:56

he actually acquired the "parts" of King James II.

0:40:560:41:01

The little heart here, silver heart,

0:41:010:41:03

that holds some of James II's heart.

0:41:030:41:06

A piece of it, which apparently was quite common in those days

0:41:060:41:11

that after the death of a king, people would be able to take a little bit of it

0:41:110:41:16

as a souvenir.

0:41:160:41:18

Rather gruesome, picking up little bits of the king!

0:41:180:41:20

-Bits of his heart.

-His hair.

-A bit of liver.

-Liver!

0:41:200:41:24

-A bit of pancreas!

-No, just heart, actually!

0:41:240:41:27

Oh, right.

0:41:270:41:28

Bower was an obsessive collector

0:41:300:41:32

and somewhat obsessive in life.

0:41:320:41:34

To learn more about the man, Margaret's taking them to Denys's study

0:41:340:41:39

for an extraordinary tale.

0:41:390:41:41

He was something of a womaniser.

0:41:410:41:43

He had been married twice, briefly,

0:41:430:41:45

and then when he was 50, he met a young woman of 19

0:41:450:41:50

who purported to be a countess from Monaco.

0:41:500:41:54

And she kept up this pretence for over a year

0:41:540:41:58

and he became engaged to her.

0:41:580:41:59

She wasn't actually a countess from Monaco.

0:41:590:42:02

She was the daughter of either a Peckham bus driver or cab driver!

0:42:020:42:08

-A good actor!

-A very good actress.

-A woman in my line.

0:42:080:42:11

What became of them?

0:42:110:42:13

Well, she broke off the engagement and he was devastated.

0:42:130:42:19

Denys took a revolver from one of his collections,

0:42:190:42:22

went to the woman's lodgings

0:42:220:42:24

and told her, "If you're going to leave me,

0:42:240:42:26

"I'm going to shoot myself."

0:42:260:42:28

I don't know exactly what ensued,

0:42:280:42:30

but she got shot and he then attempted suicide.

0:42:300:42:34

He was obviously a lousy shot or it was a lousy gun, not sure which,

0:42:340:42:37

but he ended up in hospital for a couple of weeks.

0:42:370:42:40

He was arrested for attempted murder

0:42:400:42:45

and attempted suicide.

0:42:450:42:48

-Must have been a big scandal at the time.

-A big scandal in the 1950s.

0:42:480:42:52

He went to prison. He was tried and given a life sentence.

0:42:520:42:55

In the end, he spent only four years in Wormwood Scrubs.

0:42:560:42:59

The sensationalist press coverage

0:42:590:43:02

caught the interest of a solicitor

0:43:020:43:04

who'd met Bower once in London

0:43:040:43:07

and considered there to have been a miscarriage of justice.

0:43:070:43:10

He took up his case and won.

0:43:100:43:12

-What a story!

-Isn't it?

-Thank you very much, Margaret.

0:43:120:43:16

-Thank you very much.

-Fascinating.

0:43:160:43:18

Denys was released and returned to the castle.

0:43:180:43:20

On his death in 1977,

0:43:200:43:22

he bequeathed his life's work to the nation.

0:43:220:43:26

The ladies are also on their way to Chiddingstone Castle for the grand unveiling,

0:43:260:43:31

giving them time to chat about Frances's glittering career.

0:43:310:43:34

This girl's worked with everyone who's anyone.

0:43:340:43:38

Gosh. I went to university with Danny Boyle.

0:43:380:43:42

Whatever happened to him?

0:43:420:43:43

We were girlfriend and boyfriend, actually, at Bangor University.

0:43:430:43:49

And I worked for Mike Leigh.

0:43:490:43:51

Then I did quite a lot of movies with Stephen Frears and Peter Greenaway.

0:43:510:43:55

Do you know, they're going to need a longer journey!

0:43:550:43:57

But now it's time for our crusaders of curiosity

0:43:570:44:00

to unveil their wares.

0:44:000:44:02

Da-da-da!

0:44:020:44:03

-Oh, what a surprise!

-Look at that!

0:44:030:44:06

-Are they for juggling?

-No.

-They're for beating people around the head?

0:44:060:44:10

Yes, we're going to beat you!

0:44:100:44:12

-They're actually Indian callisthenic things from a gymnasium for exercise.

-Brilliant.

0:44:120:44:19

You've no idea what they are, have you, Thomas?

0:44:190:44:21

The most interesting thing on here which I want to pick up

0:44:210:44:24

is that lovely treen bellows.

0:44:240:44:26

So this is... Oh, it's a little snuff.

0:44:270:44:29

-It's a snuff box!

-Isn't it sweet?

0:44:290:44:31

So this might have been made by a blacksmith going off to war.

0:44:310:44:35

-Except it's wooden.

-I know, but still.

0:44:350:44:38

- £100? - Oh, shut up!

0:44:380:44:41

No! You know it's not worth that!

0:44:410:44:44

How much was it? £45?

0:44:440:44:46

You know exactly what it's worth.

0:44:460:44:47

We know what it's worth. But what did you pay for it!

0:44:470:44:50

That's worth a couple of hundred pounds.

0:44:500:44:52

- £120? - No. It was £200.

0:44:520:44:54

£200?! Whoosh!

0:44:540:44:56

Actually, Catherine, it was £210.

0:44:560:44:59

We've got to make a bit of a profit.

0:44:590:45:00

More than a bit!

0:45:000:45:02

Then you've got two writing slopes.

0:45:020:45:04

-Da-da-da! There you are.

-Oh, you keep your envelopes and things in there.

0:45:040:45:09

Billet-doux.

0:45:090:45:10

Billy whose?

0:45:100:45:12

Absolutely.

0:45:120:45:13

-I couldn't agree more.

-Very nice. Well done.

-Congratulations.

0:45:130:45:17

Actually, not very girly.

0:45:170:45:19

-No. I expected glassware and jewellery.

-Why should we go for girly things?

0:45:190:45:23

-Cos that's what we've got!

-We've got girly things.

0:45:230:45:25

Underwear, lingerie...

0:45:250:45:27

Are you ready?

0:45:270:45:29

Ooh!

0:45:290:45:31

- This kind of has a theme. - A sporting theme.

0:45:320:45:35

-A bit of sport.

-Guess what these are?

0:45:350:45:37

-They're matchstick "crabbage"...

-Cribbage boards.

0:45:370:45:41

-You don't play cards, do you?

-Cribbage.

0:45:410:45:43

-A game called cribbage.

-Matchsticks.

-This is a cribbage board.

0:45:430:45:47

And we seem to have acquired several hundred of them.

0:45:470:45:51

How much did you pay for that lot?

0:45:510:45:53

For the whole lot, £65.

0:45:530:45:55

There's a huge profit. Some of these, you'll pay £60 for on their own.

0:45:550:45:59

-Who did you rob?

-We didn't rob anybody. We tied them up and gagged them.

0:45:590:46:04

-And we beat them.

-We beat them.

-Beat them with the horse-hair whip!

0:46:040:46:08

-It's a fly swatter.

-A fly swatter.

0:46:080:46:10

-A fly swatter.

-It's what Idi Amin used to use.

-Absolutely.

0:46:100:46:13

They're all the rage with dictators!

0:46:130:46:15

-This is pretty rubbish, though.

-No, it's not!

0:46:150:46:17

THOMAS: It's a good set of binoculars!

0:46:170:46:19

-So this is a cake...

-Swing-handled cake basket.

0:46:190:46:22

What will they think of Phil's beloved tasting fork?

0:46:220:46:26

-It's a bit feminine.

-'Oh, dear!'

0:46:260:46:28

- What do you think? - Do you think quality here...

0:46:280:46:30

- And... - Dross over this side?

0:46:300:46:33

I think you should be congratulated. You've done extremely well.

0:46:330:46:37

- Well done, Thomas. - Well done.

0:46:370:46:39

May the best team win!

0:46:390:46:41

I think they've been pretty honest, to be fair.

0:46:410:46:45

But it's amazing how a little privacy can bring out the truth!

0:46:450:46:48

I'm speechless. Catherine has spent all her money on those bellows.

0:46:490:46:52

That's the key thing, the snuff box.

0:46:520:46:55

I think they'll probably make their money, but it'll be really tight.

0:46:550:47:00

I wouldn't bother with the silver plate. Or the fly swatter thing.

0:47:000:47:04

I'm quietly confident. I think we've got our noses in front.

0:47:040:47:08

I hope so.

0:47:080:47:10

Do you think we're going to win?

0:47:100:47:11

There's an optimistic couple!

0:47:140:47:16

The battle lines are drawn and it's time to advance to the auction.

0:47:160:47:19

They're leaving behind the country for the big city.

0:47:190:47:22

Chiswick is a large suburb of London

0:47:220:47:24

and it's also seen its fair share of war.

0:47:240:47:27

The Battle of Turnham Green took place here in 1642.

0:47:270:47:31

So, Catherine, this is it. A very sad day. The finale.

0:47:310:47:35

No, it's not sad. It's going to be fantastic.

0:47:350:47:38

Whatever the result, we have had an amazing time. It's been a good giggle.

0:47:380:47:43

How are you feeling? Are you nervous?

0:47:430:47:45

Do you think you're in with a chance of making more money than you spent?

0:47:450:47:49

I have to admit that I'm slightly anxious

0:47:490:47:53

that we spent quite a lot of money on that little snuff box.

0:47:530:47:57

The snuff box is the dodgy thing.

0:47:570:47:59

-My croquet set, with weather like this...

-No chance, Thomas.

0:47:590:48:03

-No chance.

-But they may want to stay indoors and play cribbage!

0:48:030:48:07

The croquet set's not really an antique. It's younger than I am.

0:48:070:48:11

It's nowhere near 21, Phil!

0:48:110:48:13

We're going to walk out with our heads held high

0:48:130:48:16

holding our BAFTAs.

0:48:160:48:18

Or hopefully, plenty of cash!

0:48:180:48:20

Cash is more likely.

0:48:200:48:22

Busy Chiswick Auction is well established,

0:48:260:48:28

specialising in furniture, jewellery, toys and dolls

0:48:280:48:31

and Oriental art, to name a few.

0:48:310:48:34

They always draw a crowd.

0:48:340:48:36

-Here we go.

-D-Day.

0:48:360:48:39

D-Day.

0:48:390:48:40

-Hello!

-Hello!

-How are you?

0:48:410:48:44

Hello, partner!

0:48:440:48:46

Mwa! Mwa! Darlings, it's time for auction.

0:48:460:48:48

-Are you quietly confident?

-No!

0:48:480:48:50

I don't care. We'll be fine. It'll be fun.

0:48:500:48:53

The gavel-wielder at the helm, expertly steering today's sale is William Rowse.

0:48:540:48:59

Has he spotted anything amongst the lots to tickle his fancy?

0:48:590:49:03

There are some nice lots in terms of the quality.

0:49:030:49:05

There's a lovely little snuff box.

0:49:050:49:08

Whether it's necessarily going to make a big profit, I couldn't be sure.

0:49:080:49:11

There are some that perhaps won't get much excitement,

0:49:110:49:14

for example the pair of rather ordinary binoculars,

0:49:140:49:17

which I'm sure will sell, but won't get any hearts racing.

0:49:170:49:21

I think Frances and Catherine are probably going to win,

0:49:210:49:23

perhaps by a small margin.

0:49:230:49:25

They have some of the more interesting lots,

0:49:250:49:27

whereas the other team have got more, maybe the phrase to use is "pedestrian".

0:49:270:49:32

It's not the phrase they would use!

0:49:320:49:34

Catherine and Frances all but maxed out their £400 budget,

0:49:350:49:39

spending £396.50 to make five lots.

0:49:390:49:43

25 and I'll walk your dogs!

0:49:430:49:45

Whereas shrewd shoppers Thomas and Phil only spent £270 to make up their five lots for auction.

0:49:470:49:53

I fell in love with the fork. The first time it's ever happened to me!

0:49:530:49:57

The most hotly contested battle of the sexes the antique arena has ever witnessed

0:49:570:50:02

is about to commence.

0:50:020:50:04

-I'm feeling really nervous!

-I am Mr Cool, me.

0:50:040:50:07

If we do really badly, I'm going to auction my ring!

0:50:070:50:10

Let's hope it doesn't come to that!

0:50:100:50:13

The men are first with the binoculars and stool.

0:50:130:50:16

Will this little sporty set get the bidders twitching?

0:50:160:50:19

What's it worth? £10 this lot.

0:50:190:50:21

-I'm bid ten. £10. 12.

-They've all got their hands up!

-16. 18.

0:50:210:50:25

20. 22. 25. £28 there.

0:50:250:50:29

30 in the red here. 32.

0:50:290:50:31

-35. 38.

-You were lucky!

-£40 in the red.

0:50:310:50:35

Are you all done for 40?

0:50:350:50:37

He's cocky, isn't he?

0:50:370:50:39

A neat little profit, despite earlier predictions.

0:50:410:50:44

It's time for the girls to get in the game

0:50:440:50:47

with the ship's bulkhead clock.

0:50:470:50:49

I think you should give them one of your stares if the clock doesn't do well.

0:50:490:50:53

Yes.

0:50:530:50:54

And I'm straight in at £40.

0:50:540:50:57

-Please, more than that.

-45.

0:50:570:50:59

50. At £50. Anybody else?

0:50:590:51:02

Careful now. At £50. Anybody else want to bid?

0:51:020:51:05

£50.

0:51:060:51:07

Oh, dear. A rotten, stinking loss

0:51:070:51:10

and a disappointing start for the girls.

0:51:100:51:12

Don't you laugh!

0:51:120:51:13

-I'm trying not to smile, but I can't...

-You're an actor. You can try!

0:51:140:51:20

Time to stop sniggering and get your game faces on, boys.

0:51:210:51:25

It's your cribbage collection next.

0:51:250:51:27

It's very boring. You didn't choose them, did you?

0:51:270:51:30

No, they're very interesting.

0:51:300:51:32

To someone, maybe.

0:51:320:51:33

What's the lot worth? Start me. £30 for the lot.

0:51:330:51:36

30 I'm bid. Thank you, Chris. 30 I'm bid.

0:51:360:51:38

32.

0:51:380:51:39

35.

0:51:390:51:41

Are you al done and finished?

0:51:410:51:42

-That is ridiculously cheap.

-At £35.

0:51:420:51:44

I'm surprised.

0:51:440:51:46

Who's sniggering now, then?

0:51:460:51:48

The gamble didn't pay off and the chaps also take a nasty loss.

0:51:480:51:52

I thought they'd be worth a lot more. They were beautiful.

0:51:520:51:57

Next, it's the natty pair of table-top stationery desks.

0:51:570:52:01

The ladies really need a profit on these.

0:52:010:52:04

I'm nervous now cos we lost so much on the clock.

0:52:040:52:07

Don't worry. Don't worry about it.

0:52:070:52:09

This could be a bloodbath.

0:52:090:52:11

That's a way to raise the spirits, Thomas(!)

0:52:110:52:13

I've got two identical bids at £55.

0:52:130:52:16

-There. A £15 profit.

-60 in the room against a commission bid.

0:52:160:52:18

In the room at £60 against commission.

0:52:180:52:21

Anybody else, then? AT £60. It can be sold for 60.

0:52:210:52:24

-Well done. Congratulations.

-It's money.

0:52:250:52:27

- Yeah, but not enough! - Oh, shut up.

0:52:270:52:30

Not a profit to write home about,

0:52:300:52:32

but a profit, nevertheless.

0:52:320:52:33

Can the boys get a cracking price for the riding crop and swish?

0:52:330:52:38

I covet that myself. You're not allowed to bid for your own stuff?

0:52:390:52:42

No, you can't!

0:52:420:52:43

Not the done thing, old boy.

0:52:430:52:45

£20 for these two items. Surely worth £10 each.

0:52:450:52:47

22. 25. 28.

0:52:470:52:50

30. 32. 35.

0:52:510:52:53

£35 I'm bid there in the distance.

0:52:530:52:56

At 35. Anybody else, then?

0:52:560:52:58

-I can sell them. £35 and going.

-Give it a swish!

0:52:580:53:01

Ker-ching!

0:53:030:53:05

And the chaps cash in,

0:53:050:53:07

increasing their lead, marginally.

0:53:070:53:09

-You buy cheap things, don't you?

-We did.

-Was that your idea, Phil?

0:53:090:53:12

Yeah. Keep it cheap and nasty, like me!

0:53:120:53:15

He's a big softie, really!

0:53:150:53:18

The girls are desperate to beat the boys, one way or the other, with these clubs.

0:53:180:53:23

-How do you feel about the clubs?

-Have you ever done that form of exercise?

0:53:230:53:28

Of course, every morning!

0:53:280:53:30

I'm straight in here with a bid of £20. At 20. 22.

0:53:300:53:34

-25. 28.

-A profit.

-30.

0:53:340:53:37

32 in the room.

0:53:370:53:38

£32 in the distance.

0:53:380:53:40

Selling then, for 32.

0:53:400:53:42

We knew, you see.

0:53:440:53:45

We knew!

0:53:450:53:47

The chaps were close to getting one of those round the earhole

0:53:470:53:50

if they hadn't made a profit!

0:53:500:53:52

You didn't have any faith in those, did you?

0:53:520:53:54

No faith in them whatsoever.

0:53:540:53:55

-You liked them, though, Phil?

-What, the clubs?

0:53:550:53:58

Can we not have a post-mortem on the clubs. You've sold them. Move on.

0:53:580:54:01

And on we move to the boys' dazzling array of silverware

0:54:010:54:06

and Phil's favourite fork!

0:54:060:54:08

We need a plant.

0:54:080:54:10

You've got a plant. Or is he a fruit cake?

0:54:100:54:12

I've got a mate who'd be perfect.

0:54:120:54:14

He's strange-looking, wears a straw hat.

0:54:140:54:18

Is he talking about me?

0:54:180:54:20

He'd fit in beautifully.

0:54:200:54:22

-Start me at £20, a mixed lot.

-Oh, here we go!

0:54:220:54:24

20 I'm bid there, the lady. 22. 25.

0:54:240:54:28

28. 30.

0:54:280:54:30

32. 35.

0:54:300:54:31

-Just keep going.

-38.

-It's a good lot.

-40.

0:54:310:54:33

-42. £42.

-Come on!

0:54:330:54:35

-All done and finished. 42 it goes.

-Oh, no!

0:54:350:54:38

-It's a disaster.

-A disaster. All that hard work.

-I know.

0:54:380:54:43

Naughty Frances.

0:54:430:54:45

The boys aren't laughing as they take another hit.

0:54:450:54:48

It's a complete... She's so pleased!

0:54:480:54:52

-Shut up!

-So...

0:54:520:54:54

But will she still be smiling after this lot?

0:54:550:54:57

It's the brassy harness and leather-bound binoculars.

0:54:570:55:00

There we go. What's it worth? Start me at £20 for this lot.

0:55:000:55:03

20 I'm bid. Thank you, Chris.

0:55:030:55:05

22. Thank you. 25.

0:55:050:55:07

28.

0:55:070:55:08

30.

0:55:080:55:10

£30. With my original bidder at 30.

0:55:100:55:12

Wiped the smile off your face!

0:55:120:55:14

-Tiny profit.

-£30.

0:55:140:55:17

£30, it's gone.

0:55:170:55:18

-Sees a profit.

-It's very healthy.

0:55:180:55:20

Profits are small and losses are large for both teams.

0:55:200:55:24

With only two lots to go, it could go either way.

0:55:240:55:27

-It all lies on the last two lots.

-It does.

0:55:270:55:29

The boys' big pricey lot is their last item.

0:55:330:55:35

Will they strike it lucky with the croquet set?

0:55:350:55:37

THOMAS: I've just seen the world's champion croquet player walk in.

0:55:370:55:41

If he is the world champion, he might already have his own set.

0:55:410:55:45

Yes.

0:55:450:55:46

I'm bid £75.

0:55:460:55:48

-With me at 75.

-Already?

0:55:480:55:50

75. 80. 85.

0:55:500:55:52

90. 95.

0:55:520:55:54

-With me at 95.

-Go on!

0:55:540:55:56

100. I've got 105 as the last bid. With you at 110.

0:55:560:55:59

-At £110.

-There will be a sale.

0:55:590:56:02

Anybody else? At 110, it will be sold.

0:56:020:56:04

Bus fare home, then.

0:56:050:56:07

Are the bidders getting younger, or am I getting older?

0:56:090:56:12

With such a small profit, there's no clear leader.

0:56:120:56:15

Everything rests on the last lot.

0:56:150:56:17

The greatly anticipated snuff box.

0:56:170:56:20

-It's make or break.

-As you love our little snuff box so much,

0:56:210:56:26

would you have spent £200 on it?

0:56:260:56:28

No.

0:56:280:56:29

It was £210, Catherine.

0:56:290:56:31

I'm bid £80 for this. Thank you.

0:56:310:56:33

-£80 I'm bid.

-What do you think?

-85. 90.

0:56:330:56:36

-95.

-I can't bear to listen!

0:56:360:56:38

-£100 it is in the doorway.

-It's got legs.

-110 there.

0:56:380:56:41

-120. 130.

-Come on!

-140. 150.

0:56:410:56:44

-Come on!

-160.

0:56:440:56:46

160 in the hall.

0:56:460:56:47

-Anybody else, then?

-Come on!

0:56:470:56:49

£160 for the bellows.

0:56:490:56:51

160 all done? 160.

0:56:510:56:53

Oh, God. That is just so irritating!

0:56:560:56:59

The girls' chance of success snuffed out, in the end,

0:56:590:57:04

by the miniature bellows and the boys are rubbing it in!

0:57:040:57:07

Look at his face!

0:57:070:57:09

Not very sporting.

0:57:090:57:11

So smug!

0:57:110:57:13

So our celebrities started with £400 each.

0:57:130:57:16

Catherine and Frances shopped till they dropped

0:57:180:57:20

and after auction costs, they made a crashing loss of £124.26,

0:57:200:57:25

leaving them with only £275.74.

0:57:250:57:29

Thomas and Phil only did slightly better,

0:57:310:57:33

and after costs made a loss of £55.16,

0:57:330:57:37

leaving them with £344.84.

0:57:370:57:40

Any profit made on the Road Trip, no matter how large or small, goes to Children in Need.

0:57:400:57:45

Except there isn't any today.

0:57:450:57:46

We've both lost money, but we've lost slightly less.

0:57:460:57:50

Which means the boys are the winners!

0:57:500:57:52

But we both made three profits.

0:57:520:57:55

-Yes.

-Absolutely. Let's look for the positives.

0:57:550:57:57

We had a moral victory.

0:57:570:57:59

I think Phil's quite a good dealer. You've got a good eye.

0:57:590:58:02

-I've got a wet head!

-You're getting wet hair, yes.

0:58:020:58:04

-Go on, get in that car.

-Let's go.

-Bye!

-Bye!

0:58:040:58:08

It's time for the final curtain. Take a bow, teams.

0:58:090:58:12

It's been wonderful, hasn't it? It's been great fun.

0:58:120:58:15

Do you want to get into acting, now?

0:58:150:58:17

No, I have done my bit.

0:58:170:58:19

I started off this thing saying I didn't know anything about antiques.

0:58:190:58:23

And I've just realised that I still know nothing!

0:58:230:58:26

I've really enjoyed it, though. Have you?

0:58:260:58:28

Yes, it's been fun, driving around in this lovely old car.

0:58:280:58:31

-We had a laugh, actually.

-Yeah, so did we.

0:58:310:58:34

We had quite a good one.

0:58:340:58:36

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:58:570:59:00

Actors Frances Barber and Phil Davis put their scripts aside and pair up with antiques experts Catherine Southon and Thomas Plant for a celebrity buying spree around East Sussex. Armed with £400 and a classic car, each team aims to buy antiques to sell at auction in London for a profit. Their road trip also takes in a gripping tale of eccentricity and attempted murder.


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