Rory McGrath and Steve Punt Celebrity Antiques Road Trip

The nation's favourite celebrities...

-We are special, then, are we?

-Oh, that's excellent.

..paired up with an expert...

We're a very good team, you and me.

..and a classic car.

Their mission - to scour Britain for antiques.

It's very me, isn't it?

Oh, I love it.

The aim - to make the biggest profit at auction.

But it's no easy ride.

There's no accounting for taste.

Who will find a hidden gem?

Who will take the biggest risks?

Will anybody follow expert advice?

What I'm doing is watching the haggling.

There will be worthy winners and valiant losers.

-Are you happy?

-Yes.

-Promise?

-Ecstatic.

Time to put your pedal to the metal.

This is Celebrity Antiques Road Trip.

Yeah.

This Celebrity Road Trip promises to be a laugh a minute

as comedy duo Rory McGrath and Steve Punt take to the roads.

Now, I know we worked together on a programme

which I think was recorded in Manchester.

You said something on the train coming home...

-Yeah.

-..which was so funny...

that I lost it. I was giggling. I very nearly had an underwear issue.

Well, I hope there are no unfortunate accidents today,

with £400 burning a hole in each of their pants.

Rory and Steve are swapping the comedy circuit for

the antiques trail.

I do feel in need of an expert.

-Oh, God, yeah.

-My own level of expertise is...

sort of hovering somewhere between zero and minus five.

They tend to be quite...

But when it comes to comedy he goes straight to the top of the class.

Steve has written for many radio shows and contributed to the likes

of Mock The Week, but he's best known for his appearances on

The Mary Whitehouse Experience, The Punt and Dennis Show

and his current news satire radio programme The Now Show.

I certainly feel I could use a bit of help

cos I never know how they price things in antique shops.

They presumably just think,

"Stick a price on it and see if anyone's prepared to cough it up."

Exactly. I think that's true.

Rory also rose to fame through his comedy writing

and is renowned for loving a good road trip.

His comedy feats include Not The Nine O'Clock News,

They Think It's All Over and Three Men In A Boat.

In my experience, comedians tend to be secretly very competitive.

I'm not competitive. In fact, I'm competitively uncompetitive.

I bet I'm more uncompetitive than you are.

Isn't that the sort of thing a closet competitive person would say?

It's not about winning...

-It's about taking part.

-Yeah.

It's about not coming second.

Ha! Yup, he's certainly not competitive.

Rather than three men in a boat,

today it's all about two guys in a car, and a pretty one at that,

a 1961 Morris Minor. Good old Moggie.

These cars always remind me of one thing -

rather smug man at the wheel, frozen, beleaguered wife thinking,

"Why do we have to do this every Sunday?

"Trevor, do we have to do this?"

Well, what can I say, today's expert auctioneers Christina Trevanion

and David Harper may act like an old married couple...

Do you think I'm interesting?

On a scale of on to ten. Give me a score.

I'd give you one.

Excellent. My life is complete.

..but they know a thing or two about antiques.

This is going to sound like a really odd question to ask,

but do you think they'll be funny?

They're highly intelligent. Do you know what?

Comedians have to be highly intelligent.

To have that quick wit is quite a rarity.

I think with a comedian they'll go to a supermarket and people will say,

"Make me laugh." And that must be a nightmare.

Yup, a terrible burden.

But not one our two fabulous experts

need to worry themselves about though.

-They're both pretty intelligent.

-They will be.

-Quick witted.

-Yeah.

I'm not entirely sure I'm going to have much in common with them.

Oh, at least these two have got a nice car to drive,

a 1970 Triumph Stag.

This side-splitting journey will take our two teams through

the heart of the Midlands.

Starting in Balsall Common, Warwickshire.

Our double acts will be scouring the area for new material

and some antiques.

As they head north to an auction in Langar in Nottinghamshire.

Buckle up and hold on to your sides, it's going to be a right laugh.

And today's merriment commences in the large commuter village

of Balsall Common.

Oh, look, it's Rory. Quick, say something funny.

-I hope I end up with the sexy one.

-Well, you've got me.

Thanks, Rory, we're going to get on great.

Do you guys know anything about antiques?

He knows a lot about antiques. He's been secretly swotting up...

-Have you?

-..in order to win the competition.

I think he's been secretly swotting up.

He's playing a double bluff here.

Oh, yeah, we'll soon find out.

Antiques In An Old Barn At Lodge Farm, yes, that's the actual name,

does exactly what it does on the packet.

And it's a great place for that all important mosey.

It stocks everything from furniture,

silver to a couple of familiar faces.

It looks like David and Rory.

And you said you weren't funny, Christina?

It does a bit actually, yeah.

It's not dissimilar.

Can you tell which is which?

And speaking of the devils, David

and Rory have discovered something slightly turbulent themselves.

-Wow.

-What's this?

This is part of an aeroplane.

It's something in the cockpit, isn't it?

If you've got lots of imagination you can do so much with this.

Hey. Plenty of legroom.

These were expensive seats, weren't they?

Anyway. Time for some actual shopping.

Tell me about your negotiating skills.

I'm quite good.

I've never done it in an antiques shop before.

I normally do it in newsagents.

£1 for The Daily Telegraph?! I'll give you 50p for it.

Sounds like this could be an interesting shopping trip.

Speaking of interesting...

-Be careful what you're saying.

-Go on.

-That's a boar.

-It is.

I quite like the idea of...

Do they fetch any...?

They can do if the taxidermy is by somebody quite special.

It's got a cricket cap on it.

Shall we get it out and have a look at it?

Yeah. You stay, I'll bring it out.

People have funny ideas about taxidermy,

but there's something quite noble about that.

Very noble.

I don't have a problem with him because he's ancient.

Is that going to be 19th or 20th century?

I think this is early 20th century, maybe 1910, 1920.

No maker's mark on the back.

If we had the Rowland Ward mark, he would two of three times his value.

So the guy who did it, actually what makes the value...

I was thinking a good old-fashioned low oak beamed pub...

Called The Boar's Head.

And if they don't have a boar's head

-they're going to be desperate for him.

-Exactly.

An interesting logic and a speedy decision from Rory.

But how is the competition getting on?

Do you buy antiques? Are you interested in antiques?

I don't really. I'm not confident in what I'm buying.

I would only buy something just because I like it.

Well, that's the way to do it, isn't it?

Rather than it might be complete...

Yeah, I suppose so.

But what will Steve think of Christina's first find?

-That's quite fun. What do you think of that?

-It is fun.

They have got that as a garden sundial, which it isn't.

This is an armillary sphere.

-This is where I get a bit geeky.

-No, go on. That's fine.

Originally, the unique or the genuine ones would have had

bands inside here where you would have been able to chart the stars.

Whereas this one is in that style,

but it's actually just a garden ornament.

It's got a sundial, but I'd like to see anybody that would be able to

tell the time with that and the sun.

What I really like about it is that it looks like the logo

-of an evil corporation...

-Yeah, it does.

-..in a film. It's where the baddie works.

-Dr Evil Corps!

It's the kind of thing you perhaps wouldn't think of buying

until you see it.

You wouldn't go to the shops with a list that says

-"armillary sphere" on it.

-Yeah. Really, wouldn't you?

But if someone brings one up you think, "That's nice.

"I've always wanted one of those."

Let's go and ask the price.

-Ask the price?

-Yes.

-You mean not this price?

-No.

Go and say, "What are you doing...?"

-Are you good at haggling?

-No.

Of course not, I'm British.

"Do you really expect me to pay £44 for this?!"

Is that good?

OK. Maybe leave it to the expert, then.

Let's hope Rory makes less of a pig's ear of things

when it comes to haggling for his beloved boar.

Priced at £165, poor old thing.

What shall we call the boar, Diane?

-Boris.

-Boris the boar.

This is lovely. What do we reckon?

Trade price. I'm ignoring that.

Ignore all of that.

I've got £50 in cash.

That's retail prices, we're not retail buyers.

-The trade price would be 95.

-95?

-Yep.

We need to start from 50, don't we?

He gets it so quickly.

He's been going about three minutes, he's an expert already.

Can we get Steve down to watch and learn?

I can't do 50, again.

I'm sorry. I can't get close to that.

-£51.99.

-60.

When you said no to 50, did you mean no or yes to 50?

Cos some people get no and yes mixed up.

Rory's not so secret competitive nature

is certainly shining through now.

-Just give me another five.

-55.

Shall we go?

-What do you reckon?

-Let's do it.

Right, OK. Thank you very much.

-I'll hold it.

-Thank you.

That's one wild boar head in the bag for

the greatly reduced price of £55.

Back with the other team,

Steve has found a little piece of history very close to home.

-Christina?

-Yeah.

-Look.

I'm afraid, someone who's spent a while on the radio,

-this really fascinates me.

-Oh, wow.

BBC Broadcasting House.

It looks a bit different now, doesn't it?

Is this your office?

Uh...that's where we do The Now Show, just right in there.

-Wow.

-Where the radio theatre is.

These cigarette cards feature 1930s radio celebrities.

So you would have collected all your cigarette cards with

the cigarettes and then you would have filled your little album.

-Yeah.

-That's very appropriate for you.

There's a pub near Broadcasting House that has these in frames

and I've always wondered where they came from.

Clapham and Dwyer - who I think were a comedy double act.

I can't be doing with them.

Has it got a price on it?

No, it hasn't. Well, it has, one penny.

I suspect they'll be wanting a bit more than that.

I'd imagine so.

Steve has also found some World War II pamphlets

on what to do during an air raid.

Combing them with the cigarette cards,

time to find out just how bad at haggling he actually is.

£15.

I think we can go up to that.

Let's just have a little bit of a chat

before we talk about things like that.

OK, yeah, that is pretty bad.

Would there be any flexibility in the price?

What about if I said...

that and that £10, and threw that one in?

£10 for three.

-You are terrible at haggling.

-I am.

-But I did warn you.

-You did.

What about the armillary sphere priced at £44?

I'll run to 30.

If that's any help to you.

Could you do 35 for everything?

38.

-I've given you a little bit extra.

-You have.

What I'm doing is watching the haggling and learning.

A keen student indeed.

38 and ten is £48.

-No, £38 for the whole lot!

-Oh!

Of course, that was the whole base of that. I was testing her.

Lucky for Steve, Christina is an expert haggler,

so that's the cigarette cards and armillary sphere bagged for £38.

Not bad. Meanwhile, Rory and David are in the party mood.

-Oh, look at these.

-Oh, my gosh.

You're too young to remember these.

You know what? Do you know what it reminds me of?

-Champagne perry?

-Yeah. My grandmother.

Yeah, that era. That sort of innocent, late '50s, early '60s.

Yeah, it's that kind of thing.

They're actually quite nice glasses. They're quite substantial.

I would have put him as more of a pipe man myself.

-Do you think anybody would by that?

-Yes, I do.

The most exciting thing is the box.

The box can treble or quadruple the value

because the box is the rarer thing.

Shall we call that...?

Yes, let's get Diane in here.

The glasses are priced at £30. But can Rory work his magic again?

Rory, you remember Diane.

Diane, gosh, yeah.

You've let yourself go.

-What was your name?

-Trevor.

Our eye has been taken by this lovely set of glasses.

But we wanted to talk about the price.

Someone's written £30 on that.

Obviously a mistake.

Sometimes the threes and twos look different.

Mm, Diane... I mean, Trevor is not looking too impressed.

25 is the best I can do.

25. A tenner, you say?

No, I said 25.

Rory's trying every trick in the book.

I'm very superstitious about odd numbers.

Well, you would be, yes.

-They worry me.

-Make it 26.

I was thinking 24, actually.

You're just too fast for me there.

24?

-No.

-Oh, go on.

Then I can say I knocked you down a quid.

-Go on, then.

-Fantastic.

-We've done a deal.

That's great, Diane, Trevor... Whoever you really are.

A deal is done.

Through determination Rory saved a whopping £6 on these retro glasses,

bringing his final spend in this shop to £79.

-It was a good day's work, David.

-Brilliant.

But the shopping's not over for the other guys

as Christina's spotted something sparkly.

I know this is probably a bit girlie, but I can't resist shiny things.

And I just saw this.

You've seen a shiny barrel organ.

Yes, which I know is slight contradiction in terms...

That's the one monkeys sit on, isn't it? And you turn the handle.

Isn't that fab?

In its original barrow as well.

Are you musical?

Well, I don't play the barrel organ.

-Why not?

-I play the piano and guitar, both quite badly.

But I like musical stuff.

If there's a market for miniature silver then I think

-we should go for it.

-Let's go and ask a price.

You are technically from this point on banned

-from talking to people about money.

-Probably wise.

It's got £55 on it.

Would you have any flexibility going to about £30 on it?

Not down to 30.

-If I were to do...

-Gives us a fighting chance.

Yeah, I'll try.

If I was to say 40...

Could you go down to 35?

Oh, look, it's a steely gaze, isn't it?

35 would be brilliant.

Just to give us a fighting chance.

I can't come down to 35.

38.

What do you think?

I'm not allowed to participate in this discussion.

It's a good price.

That is a good price, isn't it?

Yes, very much so. I'm very happy at that.

And so you should be, Christina.

This silver barrel brings their spending here to £76.

Leaving them with £324.

Not bad for their first shop.

OK, it's time to hit the road.

It certainly is.

And Steve seems quite at home in the Triumph.

# Hit the road, Jack, and don't you come back no more... #

It's got a good throaty roar.

The Morris Minor really didn't have that.

It had more of a polite cough.

-It's got a cassette deck!

-Oh, cassettes.

It's got an authentic '70s cassette deck.

Well, if you like that, Steve,

you're going to love where you're being sent to next -

Coventry.

While many associate Coventry with Lady Godiva,

there was another lesser known social movement

that took place here in the 1970s.

It stemmed from a form of music that revolutionised the British

music scene and had a lasting effect on culture and society.

-Are we ready?

-Yes.

-Let's go 2 Tone.

Aside from comedy, Steve is also a massive music fan,

so this is sure to be a treat for him.

Welcome aboard.

Today they're meeting director and curator Pete Chambers.

This is the Coventry Music Museum.

It's about all types of music, 2 Tone is the big one.

It's what Coventry's known for, more than any other music,

it's our unique selling point.

2 Tone is a music genre created in Coventry in the late 1970s

by fusing elements of punk rock and ska music together.

A guy called Jerry Dammers, he's the guy that came up with this idea.

He wanted to fuse reggae with punk.

Unfortunately, that didn't really work,

but when he sped everything up to ska

suddenly the speeds met each other and he created this fantastic brand

which we know today as 2 Tone Records.

Punk had come and gone, and punk had a big mouth,

but it didn't have a lot to say.

Whereas what followed was 2 Tone, and that had a lot to say.

It was music for the feet and the head.

You could dance to it and you could also listen to it, take it in.

At the time, Coventry was a very multicultural society,

with a strong Caribbean community.

This new form of music brought communities together

for the first time.

Is the black and white symbolic of something? What is that?

It was evidence on there, all the graphics on the records

and everything, and it was evident in the bands

cos the bands were multicultural bands, black and white guys

singing this black and white stuff.

It was a fusion of black and white music.

Listen, we're going to play the number one from these dizzy heights,

it's The Specials.

Jerry Dammers, a 2 Tone pioneer, went on to form The Specials,

probably the best known of the 2 Tone bands

with his college friend Horace Panter.

The movement was branded with the iconic art work of the black

and white squares and the image of Walt Jabsco.

I think of it as bringing in almost like the mod feel

cos there was a bit of a mod element to the whole thing as well.

Walt Jabsco was a fictional character

based on a photo of Peter Tosh,

one of the main members of The Wailers, alongside Bob Marley.

The imagery of the band was to become almost as famous as

-the music itself.

-Well, this was it.

The style as well, it just wasn't about music, it was the whole thing.

For three years 2 Tone was at the forefront of the UK music industry,

affecting culture, fashion and politics as well.

I remember The Specials catching a moment with Ghost Town

that probably, more perfectly than any other record I can remember

in terms of just absolutely summing up the time it was made.

The early '80s were a time of great unrest in Britain.

# This town is coming like a ghost town... #

It was the first year of Thatcherism.

And that record just caught what it was like for young people.

Cos the last line of the record is, the people getting angry...

-Yeah.

-..and literally, two weeks later there were riots.

And this wasn't the only political movement

Jerry Dammers was involved in.

Jerry Dammers also went on to write...

one of the few songs I can think of that really helped to

change the world, didn't he?

Yeah. Possibly the greatest protest song ever.

What was that?

# Free Nelson Mandela. #

-Yeah. Well done.

-Thank you.

-Absolutely.

Other famous bands that came up through the 2 Tone label were

Madness, The Beat and Selecter.

Even today, 2 Tone's influence lives on in modern artists.

I remember seeing The Specials at Glastonbury two or three years ago.

And not only were they great,

but Lily Allen was on with them as a guest.

So there's a cross generational thing going on there.

The museum is full of original artefacts for Steve

and Christina to discover, including the master tape from

The Specials' first album and a replica of Jerry Dammers' bedroom.

Oh, good. Look!

If I can move the marathon bar here.

4p.

But what you have here is Letraset, this is how people made posters.

If you were in a band and you wanted to make a poster,

-you couldn't just typeset it, you had to buy these.

-Wow.

I once saw a very early poster for The Cure in Reigate

that I reckon hand Letrasetted by Robert Smith.

And I wish I peeled it off the wall and kept it

because then you could have told me how much it was worth.

Does this take you back to being a teenager?

It does.

I had friends whose bedrooms didn't look at all unlike this.

And the trouble is, it's making me feel I ought to be revising.

That's the overwhelming feeling that I'm getting.

I need to do some geography.

Quick. Start revising.

Whilst Steve is being taken back to his youth,

Rory is being taken to his next shop in the market town of Coleshill.

In the market square there still exists the town's pillory

and whipping post.

Though I'm sure David won't be needing that today.

We've got 320 nicker left, haven't we?

-Gosh, that's quite a lot.

-Yeah.

-Quite a lot.

How do you feel about your first buying experience?

We haven't bought a grandfather clock or a table or a chair,

we've come out with a boar's head and some Babycham glasses.

We haven't exactly gone the traditional route.

I expected nothing less, but perhaps you'll find more antiquities

at Remember When Antiques shop.

Oh, it's a wool shop, Rory.

Don't worry, Rory, there are antiques at the back.

Is it an antique wool shop? Hello.

-Hello.

-We could knit ourselves an antique, couldn't we?

We could knit ourselves a Queen Anne desk, shall we?

Can you do that for us?

Perhaps slightly outside her particular skill set

but I'm sure she's got a wealth of other interesting wares to offer.

This old theatre programme, 1957, '58 from Coventry Theatre

-as signed Morecambe and Wise.

-Wow.

That says Morecambe.

And I presume that says Wise.

And Harry Secombe! Look at him with hair.

Very young Harry Secombe!

Anybody else signed on there?

Not in that one, no.

This one is signed on the front by Bruce Forsyth.

Brucie!

Good old Brucie, yeah.

And then inside, a very young Brucie.

-Again, another signature.

-"I'll sign every page."

IMPERSONATES BRUCE FORSYTH: I'll sign every page.

I love the comedy connection, for you.

Yeah, exactly.

You couldn't have made it up.

Ten, £15 for the two?

I was thinking, yes, about £15 for the two.

I think a tenner would be good.

Cash.

Meet me halfway, 12?

I just like the clean tenner.

And I'm thinking at auction, where's it going to stop.

It's all...

Ten is a beautifully almost decimal number.

It is.

All right, OK.

How decimal do you want to be?

-You can't get any more decimal than that.

-Exactly.

Uh, if you just stop talking, boys, I think she said yes to your offer.

I hear what you're saying, so, yes, and I will throw that one in as well.

You wouldn't throw those in, would you?

-These two?

-Would you?

David, you are incorrigible.

These sporting dinner menus are also signed by celebrities,

so is Kim in a generous mood?

-Go on, then. Yes.

-You're an angel.

We might even buy some wool.

For an incredible price of a tenner, Rory

and David have acquired a selection of theatre programmes

and dinner menus all with famous autographs.

But has David found something else already?

-I do like that dish.

-Mm, tell me about that, David.

Well, do you like it?

It looks like a Celtic shield to me, but it is, in fact...?

It's simply a plaque circa 1890-1900.

Really! Is that our antique for the day.

-That's a real one.

-That's a genuine one.

It's priced at £62. I feel some more haggling coming.

20 quid? Is that a very attractive figure to you?

It's a little on the low side.

I would probably be looking for 30.

-I'll have to consult with head office!

-OK.

THEY MURMUR

We've got to be really, really firm on it.

OK. I will let it go for 20.

Do you think 20 is close to the edge?

-Who can say that's expensive for 20 quid? It's impossible.

-15?

You're pushing it now, Rory.

OK. All right. Yes, yes.

That will be the lowest that I go on that.

-I'm... sorry! I'm learning from him. That was amazing!

-Oh!

The student has become the master and for an incredible £15,

Rory and David are now the proud owners of an arts and crafts

copper dish which, coupled with their previous purchases,

means they now have £296 left to splash.

-See ya!

-Bye-bye.

-Bye.

But there's no more spending for now as it is curtains down

on a successful day's shopping.

Have you heard the one about the comedian who couldn't haggle? No?

Well, it's certainly the topic on everyone's lips this morning.

That's the bit I'm really bad at.

I have this terrible thing at the back of my mind all the time

that it's a bit rude.

How are you getting on with the lovely Christina?

She is haggler-in-chief.

-Is she?

-She really knows her haggling.

David, I think that must go with the territory of being an expert.

David is exactly the same.

And you're no shrinking violet, Rory!

So, how did you get on yesterday with Rory? He seems a lot of fun.

He's absolutely... Well, he's on fire, isn't he?

-Is he?

-Yes, absolutely on fire.

-What about you?

-Yeah, great.

Steve is incredibly clever, which is slightly intimidating.

But he's also the worst haggler I think I have ever met.

Why, why, why?

If dealers say a price on the ticket, he'll say,

"Yeah, that's fine. Yeah, yeah."

But luckily Christina was there to step in with some expert negotiation

bringing home an armillary sphere, some cigarette cards

and a miniature silver barrel organ for £76, as you do!

What I'm doing is watching the haggling and learning.

Rory, on the other hand, took to haggling like a duck to water

and purchased Boris the boar's head, Babycham glasses,

signed theatre programmes and a copper dish for a total of £104.

And he was brutal.

He's been going about three minutes and he's an expert already!

This morning, both teams are off to the trendy,

cosmopolitan suburb of Moseley, in Birmingham, which, funnily enough,

is where famous comedian Jasper Carrott went to school.

And, it seems, Rory and Steve are in the mood for a bit of a singsong.

# Christina, she used to be a cleaner

# In a Mexican cantina

# Boy! You should have seen her on her knees

# With a sponge in her hands! #

-Pardon!

-Don't encourage the buskers.

The good thing with Christina, she's has the most...

She's so modest... angelic voice, I promise you.

She sings! Oh, she sings... Just beautifully.

-We will see you later.

-I thought that'd get rid of her!

The first shop of the day is the Moseley Emporium.

So, what's the plan for today then, folks?

Shall we do like in Scooby-Doo and you go to the cellar

-and I'll check out upstairs?

-Oh, thanks. That's really brave.

-Yeah, I'll go down in the cellar!

-We're splitting up.

-All right.

But, as Scooby would say... (SCOOBY VOICE) "Let's go!"

Flying solo, Steve is keen to impart his new-found antiques knowledge.

There's a lot of what you might call furniture here.

I'm developing that amount of expertise,

I recognise this is furniture.

This is quite nice.

It's basically a chair you can put things in.

Say what you see, Stephen. Say what you see.

But will anything actually catch his interest?

There's a nice mirror here.

Although, suddenly it seems to come with a horrible reflection in it.

I hope that's optional.

EERIE NOISES

Speaking of scary sights,

how's Christina getting on six feet under? Poor girl!

This actually is Scooby-Doo. You see, you should never make jokes.

Interesting philosophy coming from a comedian.

There is actually a mummy.

CHRISTINA SCREAMS

No, not just a mummy, Christina!

It's surprisingly comfortable in here.

I think I might stay for a while. Just come back in a minute.

Put the lid back down.

I mean, I hate to say this but you will need one eventually.

What a cheery thought! Luckily, it's only a stage coffin.

Maybe one we'll save for later.

Maybe ask how much a second-hand coffin is.

Are you seriously considering buying a coffin?

There's a nice mirror upstairs I think you should look at.

Shall I stop being silly and come with you?

Yes, please. It gives me the creeps down here.

The mirror is priced at £85, but what does Christina think?

I have sold them in the past and they make sort of £40 or £50.

I have sold some similar to that in a bit of a job lot for...

So we'd have to get a lot off that to make it worth getting?

Yes, and I think we need a masterclass in haggling

before we do that.

Right! Yes, I think we probably do.

Oh, dear! That doesn't bode well, but certainly one to bear in mind

and what have they found on the stairwell now?

-I'm rather drawn to that.

-Yeah, it's really nice.

Oh, look, it's HM Government!

This is what... Civil servants sat around playing billiards.

It's a Thomas Padmore and Sons billiard scorer.

So, it's got Edwardian on here which would indicate

he thinks it's between 1901 and 1910.

I'd say maybe nudging it into the Victorian era,

slightly earlier than that.

It looks like it's made of oak, which is nice.

And these ebony sliders. They're still running so smoothly.

They're beautiful. Really lovely. And I like its sort of faded grandeur.

So, with this, the coffin and the mirror,

that's three items they're interested in.

All that remains to be seen is what they can get the best price on.

-Steve!

-How brave are you feeling about haggling?

Well, if I could take you leaping out of a coffin at me,

-I feel I can maybe haggle a bit.

-OK.

-Ready?

-Er, yep.

Come on, Steve. You can do it!

It's all about eye contact, determination and, above all,

confidence.

So, there's a mirror right at the top.

-An Art Deco mirror.

-Yeah.

Erm...

-Oh, no!

-Don't be scared to ask.

-Well...

-Get the words out.

We are thinking we would happily pay £40 for that.

No, no, no!

-What have I done wrong now?

-Start at 30!

-Oh, start at 30!

We, myself and my manager, were hoping...

Oh, God! This is like car crash television!

Come on, Steve!

You get knocked down! You get back up again.

We were hoping that perhaps £30

would take that mirror off your hands, sir.

-Ooh!

-That's better, Steve.

-It's 85.

For 85. I'll tell you what I'll do for you. 45.

And, what about, dare I say, the coffin?

-I think it's about 85, I'm not sure.

-Is it?!

No, no, that's down in the cellar. But the lowest...

-Does that make a difference?

-Yes, it's nice in the cellar.

-Nice and cool.

-Is it literally the bargain basement?

Good line! Humour him down on the price, Steve!

It's a bargain because it will be £40 but no less.

-No less. Do I take that? "No less."

-45 and I would have took it myself.

Before Steve can make a decision, there is

one final piece he needs a price on.

-Now, the billiard scoring thing, we like that.

-OK.

I probably shouldn't have told you! No, we hated that. We hated that.

We don't really want to buy it.

We are willing to pay you £30...

-£20.

-..£20 for the privilege of...

-Taking it away.

-Taking it away. Taking it off your hands, really.

-It's 55, I think, is it?

-Er... Yes, it is 55. 55 on the sticker.

For the privilege of being in the shop,

I'll do it for you for 25 and that's it.

What do we think about the mirror?

Deep in our hearts we prefer the scorer, don't we?

If we bought the coffin and the scorer,

is there any movement on the price?

-What's that, 65?

-Yeah.

£60, that's fair, it really is.

-Um...

-Shall we do it?

-Yeah, let's do it.

-We both want to do it, let's face it.

-The coffin and the scorer?

-And the scorer.

-I'm happy with that.

You can take both of them away for that and bury them for all I care.

THEY LAUGH

Everyone is a joker today.

So, for the princely sum of £60...

A pleasure doing business with you.

..Steve can hold his head high at this victory as he walks away

with a snooker scorer, coffin, and £264 left to spend.

What on earth are they planning to do with that coffin?

-There were people in the hairdressers just sat there.

-I'm not surprised.

Oh, show it off down the local high street, good plan.

Just a couple of miles away, taking a break from shopping,

Rory and David are at Moseley Road Baths.

This is us. Men's first-class. In you go.

Designed for us, I think.

During the Industrial Revolution,

Birmingham emerged as one of the country's super cities.

Built in 1907, the baths offered swimming

as a luxury leisure activity

but were primarily providing washing facilities,

as the majority of homes at that time did not have private bathrooms.

For more than a century, they became a focal point of the community.

Hosting dances and even a casualty station during the Second World War.

Today, Rory and David are meeting with Jennifer,

a member of the Friends of Moseley Baths.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Hello! Hi, hi.

I'm Rory, hello, Jenny.

They're a group campaigning to keep the baths open

because the future of this spectacular building is in jeopardy.

-Right!

-Gosh.

-Gentleman, you are now in the first-class men's.

What do we get for that, then?

I think you get a nicer towel,

possibly two towels, but I'm not actually sure.

OK. Are we currently naked, or not?

-No, no, no, no. Please!

-Good question!

You come through into here, in the first-class men's,

and you're going to be taken to your cubicle

where the tub of hot water will await you.

How did they decide which man was a first-class man

and which man was a second-class man?

-Surely money!

-I think it was how much you could afford.

Some things never change.

-Gosh.

-So, we've got our luxury soap and our nice towels.

-There would never be three of us in here, of course.

-Oh, I see.

-One person, of course.

-Is there an attendant?

The attendant's there, you can ring the bell,

there's a little notice on the door behind you.

You only had half an hour in the bath.

And you couldn't have extra hot,

though we do hear stories of people taking...

staff taking backhanders in the old days

to put in a little bit of extra hot.

Or even manufacture a sort of key that was used to turn

-these enormous taps that you can see here.

-Not in first class, Jenny.

-No, no.

-Possibly second class.

So, how often would people use a facility like this?

About once a week. If you're using public baths, you come once a week.

But for some families, poor families,

it was such a luxury, maybe it was just on special occasions.

We had one person we interviewed for our Memory Project, a young woman,

who said she came here especially on the night before she got married,

to have a really special, good clean-up

before she went into married life. That's very nice.

-I hope the husband did the same.

-I hope he did!

A lot has changed since 1907,

and with more and more bathrooms being built in houses,

the baths became obsolete.

Though they remained open until 2004.

But it wasn't just about bathing.

There's a first and second class pool.

If you'd like to come with me now,

-I'll take you in and show you the gala pool.

-Yes, good.

-Have you got your swimming trunks on under there?

-I've got my bikini on.

Let's hope he's joking.

The first-class pool, or gala pool, has been closed since 2003,

but its unique balconettes

and cathedral-like structure are still a unique sight to behold.

What do we get here that they don't get in the second-class pool?

In the first-class pool, you get the best water, for a start.

I didn't know there were different sorts of water.

-I thought it was just the same stuff.

-Clean and dirty.

Oh, I see. You're kidding!

Before they had proper filtration and chlorination systems,

the water was stored in a very large cast iron tank in the roof.

The cold water was heated up and used here in this,

the first-class pool.

After several days it would have gone through to the second class.

So you basically got used water from this pool.

So gala pool, why gala pool?

Gala pool because they had galas here.

And you'll notice in this pool,

one special feature of it is the beautiful balcony.

It goes all the way round the top here

so this would have been full of people

cheering on local interschool galas,

this is in the period going back to the '50s and '60s, the heyday.

Lots and lots of competitive swimming went on here.

Well, it's obvious then, Jenny, that it's not in order any more.

Look at the building, it's magnificent,

but it really is in need of restoration.

Yes, I absolutely agree.

Next door, what was the second-class pool

is now the only part of the building still in use.

It's the oldest of only three Grade II-listed pools

still operating in the UK and a wonderful piece of history.

In you go, boys.

Meanwhile, Steve and Christina are hotfooting it north

to the beautiful cathedral city of Lichfield.

In a sense, what we do is rather like what you do.

We scour the country looking for old jokes.

And then we polish them up a bit

and we try to sell them to a new audience.

So we are nearing the end of our road trip now.

I know. I feel like I was just getting going.

Good! Because there's still more shopping to do.

I think I can smell antiques in this direction.

Now he's done a bit of haggling,

let's see if Steve can sniff out a bargain in James A Jordan Antiques.

This is rather lovely, isn't it?

I saw some twinkly things when I walked in, are you mainly jewellery?

-You want to look at the twinkly things, don't you?

-Steve, I'm sorry.

Go and look at the twinkly things.

Now, it's Steve and Christina who sound like an old married couple.

So, I'll have that one, that one, that one, that one, that one,

-that one, that one.

-You have to bear in mind...

-Earrings don't suit me.

-You have to bear in mind the budget.

-What?!

Yep, definitely like an old married couple.

I just saw this over there. It's obviously a frame.

Very typically Edwardian, this sort of typical swags and garlands

and bows is typically 1901-1910. What do you think?

Um... Well, it's got a clear and obvious use. Which is good.

Do you like it?

-Nice photo frames are, um, much in demand.

-Eternally popular.

-I like it.

-Shall we ask the price?

-Yeah, let's ask the price.

-Yeah?

Now...

I know. I know.

What do you want to do? Do you want to do the haggling?

No! But I can do if you want me to.

-But I, I...

-I trust you.

-This is the last chance to haggle.

So, really, you ought to do your stuff.

It's probably for the best.

Christina, before you start, just remember everything I taught you.

LAUGHTER

-Really?

-You'll be OK. You'll be OK.

-Thank you, that's very kind.

Yeah, thanks, Steve(!)

-That's marked up at £20.

-£20, OK, all right.

I would really be looking to pay maybe £10 for it, really.

At auction.

To give us a fighting chance of it making any money at all.

-This is very much the correct technique.

-Yeah? Happy?

-Yeah.

-You should have asked him for it for nothing.

-OK, sorry. A pound?

-£10 is fine.

-Are you happy with £10?

-For a beginner, that's fine, yeah.

-Happy?

-Yeah, yeah.

-All right.

-We'll have a deal on 10.

Oh! You were right!

I should have asked for a pound! A pound?!

It wasn't free, but Steve and Christina

did manage to get the picture frame for half price.

Bringing their total spends for this trip to £146.

Thank you! Bye!

Rory and David are also en route to Lichfield.

There are only two cities in England with three-spired cathedrals.

And Lichfield is one of them.

That's pub quiz gold.

You can admire the cathedral, I'll admire the antiques centre.

Quite right, David. This is no weather for sightseeing.

Good bit of parking, look at that!

Rory and David are sheltering in the abundantly stocked

Lichfield Antiques Centre.

There's some proper what we call antiques here.

-I call them antiques.

-Well, you are in the business.

And Rory is keen to prove it.

-I suspect you put a plant pot on top of it, do you?

-Yes, you do.

It's a bit art thingy, isn't it?

Art...quelque chose.

That's right, Rory.

French words always make you sound more knowledgeable.

You could say it adds a certain je ne sais quoi.

-It's a tray.

-It's a tray...

-You see, how good am I?

You seriously need a change of careers, you know that, don't you?

-Made of something tree-based.

-Yeah, tree-based.

-What an eye, eh?

Now that Rory has asserted himself as an antiques connoisseur,

-time for some serious shopping.

-Now that's interesting.

Now what... See, I've got no idea what that's made of, is that metal?

-Not tree-based, then?

-It looks odd, doesn't it?

It looks like it could be metal but it doesn't,

it feels more sort of, it's not wood, either, is it?

Have a feel of the weight of it.

-Oh, it's light!

-It's light. Yeah.

-That's interesting.

-It's paper. It's papier-mache.

-Is that really papier-mache?

It's papier-mache.

From the height of the Victorian period but it's all gone to pot.

-It hasn't been cared for...

-I see.

-..all its life.

It's lost original decoration. It's been waxed and polished.

It hasn't been cared for.

It needs desperately restoring but I still love it.

There's no price tag but armed with a list of defects, Rory is

poised once more for some serious negotiations with dealer Denise.

-This has caught our eye.

-Right.

-We like it that it's not in perfect condition, is it?

-No.

-It's a really sweet little table.

-I like it.

-It's got a charm.

-Yeah.

But we're here on business.

-Could I walk away with that for £10 cash?

-Ooh, ouch!

SHE LAUGHS

-We've got to start somewhere.

-I could go around 30.

-Ooh.

-Ooh.

You said 30 but you said 30 as if you were going to say 15.

-That's what threw me.

-Call it 20, we've got a deal.

Though it looks like he might finally have met his match.

-You say 20, I say 15, meet me halfway at 16.

-Oh, that's good, he's good.

-£16.

-18. Call it a deal.

-£17.50.

-Deal.

-£17.50. I love you.

Unbelievable.

-I'll say.

-It's fantastic.

-I'm enjoying this. I'm getting the bug.

Having spent a mere £17.50 on this Victorian papier-mache table,

Rory and David have now bought their final lot, having spent

-a total of £121.50.

-See you again soon, goodbye.

And with the shopping now finished, it's time to meet Steve

and Christina to reveal their interesting array of artefacts.

-Here we go.

-Amaze us.

-Reveal, reveal. Wayey!

Who advised you that buying anything dead was a good idea?

Says the woman with the coffin.

It's olden dead. It's decorative.

It's showing respect to the creature.

-It doesn't look very happy.

-Serene.

How many people would love to see that on the wall of their local pub

-above a log fire? 55.

-55.

-You let me go.

Someone turns up, fitting out a vegetarian restaurant. Huge profit.

What about that, 1870 papier-mache occasional table with rather

interesting cast metal duck-webbed feet.

Yeah, what happened to the base though, that's not very good, is it?

-Well, it's all...it's just as it is.

-It's massively repaired.

-No, no, it's got patination.

-What did you pay for that?

-It's got patination?

-Patination, build up of waxes...

-It's got a massive repair on the bottom.

-Character, Christina.

I would be surprised if you paid any more than £20 for it.

Well, you've bought it, baby. Give us your £20.

Well, there we go, happy days.

I must remember that if something's old and filthy, it's got patination.

I like that.

Yeah, spoken like a true expert, Steve,

-but let's see what they think of your selection.

-Ready?

-That's a coffin.

-It's a coffin.

-Yeah.

You know what, I thought, it can't be. It just looks like one.

-It really is.

-It's a stage coffin.

-It's a comedy coffin.

Is there anything else that you would like to comment on,

-anything at all?

-I don't know why you bought the 21st century er...

-What do you think it is?

-That was made last Tuesday.

-It's not heavily patinated enough.

-It's the BBC News logo, isn't it?

Yes, exactly. No, it's nice. It's a piece of garden statuary.

It's a nice thing.

I tell you what, it's a conversation piece.

-We're having a conversation about it right now.

-Yes, exactly.

-It works.

OK.

Well, I seriously do not think we could have got a more

-eclectic mix than we have got here.

-Eclectic?

-Well done. Yes.

That is the word, definitely.

Neither team seems particularly impressed by the other's purchases.

-I was disappointed for them.

-For them.

-Yes.

-I was disappointed for them.

-And the boar's head.

I find it a slightly frightening thing.

And they tried to be very disparaging over our lovely

-boar's head.

-I know that. And they produced a coffin.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Death, death? Hello, what's this death?

-What's going on there?

You've either got to give it all or nothing.

-What, and they've given it nothing?

-Well, they've given it a little bit.

Rory...

-Shall we have a round of golf?

-Round of golf, a great idea, yes.

Well, there's no holding back there but who will have the last laugh

remains to be seen as the next stop is the auction

in the picturesque village of Langar in Nottinghamshire.

I'm a bit worried about the boar in a way.

I think basically it's an all or nothing situation there.

You either want a really ferocious pig on your wall or you don't.

And Christina really doesn't.

So what on earth possessed you to go out and buy a boar's head?

Well, how dare you...

mention anything to do with my boar's head

when you bought a blinking coffin!

He's got you there, Christina.

-Could you get out of our parking place?

-Yeah, absolutely. Come on in.

Loving that shirt, Rory.

-I think he had stolen it actually from my room.

-Do you think?

But bizarrely left those trousers behind!

-Actually, it's started, you two are late.

-Yeah, you are.

Hurry up, chaps.

Today, we're at Henry Spencer's auctioneers for a general

-sale with auctioneer David Ward.

-I think they've done very well.

The boar is a very interesting item.

We've had a look at it, we think it'll probably make between £80

and £120.

-Hopefully that will be a good result for them.

-Yikes!

Well, the coffin is an interesting item.

Quirky items tend to go well

and we are probably thinking it could fetch between £40 and £100.

With a little divine intervention.

Rory and David had a right giggle but spent just £121.50 on five lots.

-What shall we call the boar, Diane?

-Boris.

-Boris the boar.

And no-one could accuse Steve and Christina of being boring either,

-as they got six lots for £146.

-Oh, my God!

This is like car crash television!

The more competitive Rory certainly came out on top at haggling

but who will win at the all-important auction?

-Well, good luck. Good luck.

-Come on!

First up is Steve and Christina's armillary sphere.

We really like this one. Who will give £20 for it?

-We've got £20 for it.

-Oh!

-Never!

-Straight in? I can't believe it!

-25? We've got 30. 35?

-CHRISTINA: Yes! Go on!

-35.

-Do we see 40?

-Yeah, go on! Go on!

It's being sold at £35.

-Blimey! That's not bad! I'll take that!

-A small profit. Small profit.

In spite of the other team's unsporting comments,

Steve and Christina walk away with £7 profit.

-That's a very good start, profit. Very good.

-Great.

Next up it's Rory and David's classy glasses.

-Who's got £10 for them?

-RORY: More than that!

-Was that each?

-Fiver?

-Shall we say eight? Eight.

-Come on! A very rare item.

-We've got

-10. Very rare item.

-So rare, never been used.

-We've got 18.

The girls will think you're fantastic if you open one of those.

-Do they have to do this?

-Not really!

-Bid is at £18.

-There has got to be a 20!

-THEY GROAN

-No!

-Bad luck.

There will be no champagne popping for those glasses today.

-So, you lost?

-We lost a little bit there.

-Lost some money.

-This is my sad face.

-Aw, look at that.

Next up is Steve's favourite item, the cigarette cards.

-But will anyone else love them?

-I've got five pounds.

I should think so! Someone with a sense of history!

I've got £10. Give me 12?

-We've got 12.

-Go on! Yes! Before you even seen them.

-We've got 18.

-Hey, this is good!

-20.

-They're on fire. They are on fire.

-No, no they're not. They're not on fire!

-20.

-£20.

-They are perfectly intact!

Give me 25. 25.

Give me 30. He says no.

Perhaps because I've turned round. Go on, go for it. Go for it.

-It's worth it for how to build a shelter alone.

-Fantastic. Well done.

That's a great profit for them.

Does that mean I'm not quite as weird as I thought I was?

DAVID: Surprising, that. Well done.

Well, Rory got quite the deal on his signed theatre programmes

and menus but will his efforts be rewarded?

-Where is our £30 for it?

-Go on. Morecambe and Wise, early.

-20.

-Go on!

-Tenner.

-RORY: Early Morecambe and Wise!

We've got a phone bid from Bruce Forsyth.

£10 bid. 15? 15.

-20?

-Come on!

-20. 25?

-We're away! Brilliant.

-30.

-This is early Morecambe and Wise.

-Early '57!

-Go on!

THEY LAUGH

-We've got a fresh bidder.

-Another bidder! £35. Just in time.

-Are you 40?

-Go on. You'll regret it. You will.

Any more bids? Sold to the lady at £35.

-Sold.

-Done. £25 profit.

-That's very good.

It really is. Bless Kim and her woollen shop, hey?

-Very good. Pleased with that.

-Terrific.

Christina loves her silver, but will it bring in a blinging good profit?

-30.

-RORY: 30? Are you kidding?

-20?

-Solid silver.

-£20.

-They're all up now, they are going crazy.

-Any advance on 20?

I've got one in the passageway, 25.

-30.

-30 in scrap alone.

-35. 40?

-There you go.

-£40.

-Go on.

-The 45 is back in.

-That's all right.

-Are you 50?

Being sold at £45.

-RORY: Well done, auctioneer.

-Yeah, well done, auctioneer!

Well done, Steve and Christina. That's another profit racked up.

-Admittedly a tiny profit, but a profit.

-That's OK.

Slow and steady wins the race.

And for our next lot it's Rory and David's 19th-century

papier-mache occasional table, with a touch of patination.

20. I've got £20.

-I've got 22.

-Yes!

-I need 25.

-Go on!

-28. Come in at 30?

-Go on!

-We've got £30.

Will you come in at 32?

Make no mistake, it's going to be sold for...

-Are you 32?

-Way-hey!

-32.

-RORY: Go, girl!

Being sold for £32 to the lady in green.

-Marvellous.

-What did it make?

-32.

-Well done.

Another brilliant profit for Steve and Rory.

Rory's haggling skills are really paying off.

Even Steve finally stepped up to the haggling challenge

with his next item.

-Who's got £20 for it?

-For your mantelpiece.

Who's got a tenner for it? £10. Are you 12, sir?

-12. Are you 15?

-Go on, go on, go on! That's nice!

-Keep going, keep going, keep going.

-£15.

-No more?

-It's got to be more than that!

-Shall we say 18?

-A classy item.

-Lovely thing.

-Any advance on £15?

-It'll be sold at 15.

-THEY GROAN

-Our first loss.

-You've lost a fiver.

A disappointing score but not a massive loss.

Will Rory's copper dish circa 1900 bring home another profit?

-We've got £20 at the front of the room.

-It will keep on going.

25? We've got 25. 30, madam? We've got 25.

-Come on!

-We've got 30. 35?

35 at the back. We've got 40. Lady, new bidder.

We've got £40. Have we got 45? We've got 45 at the back of the room.

-Any more bids?

-Come on!

-What did it make?

-45.

-Oh, well done.

Yep. Another great result for team Rory and David.

I think that was well deserved. I think it was a really nice piece.

Sporting of you, Steve. Let's hope your picture frame does as well.

-I've got £10, front of the room.

-It is well worth more, more than that.

I've got 12 at the back. Are you 15? 15.

18. 20. £20. Are you 25? 25. Are you 30?

-Imagine your nephew in there.

-£30!

-Are you 35? No.

-Or your grandchildren.

-Being sold at 30.

-Well done. Doubled our money.

Both teams are bringing in the cash.

It's hard to keep track of who's on top.

And from a picture perfect moment to a deathly one.

Hopefully no-one is going to corpse in the audience today.

Right, we have a very interesting item now. It's a coffin.

-EVIL LAUGH

-Solid wood construction

and I understand it's had one careful owner

but never actually been used.

-20. I've got £20.

-Oh, no!

Of course you've got £20! Are you not feeling very well?

-25. 30.

-Think of the Halloween money.

35. 40. 40. 45.

Come on, go one more.

-45. Being sold at 40.

-Only 40!

-Surely!

THEY GROAN

Breaking even is no mean feat but is this death

-to their chances of winning?

-Tell you what, I can be honest,

that made much more than I ever dreamt it was going to make.

It all rests on Rory and David's biggest purchase. Boris the boar.

-This could be their make or break.

-Come on, Boris.

-Back of the room.

-He's called Boris.

-90.

-Come on!

-100.

-Yes!

-Come on, Boris.

-You can do better than that.

-Do we say 110?

-Let's say 200.

110?

-Sold at 110?

-No!

-Come on.

-120.

-Yes!

Oh, my goodness! You are very surprised.

-120. Come on, then.

-Go on!

-You love it!

-One more, you might get it.

-Sold at 130.

-Excellent.

-Any advance on 130?

-Come on!

-Being sold at £130.

-THEY CLAP

-Thank you very much.

-Unbelievable!

-Absolutely amazing.

Rory's keen eye certainly picked a winner there.

Right, that's it. We now need to go and work of our figures.

-Oh, no, it's not the maths time, is it?

-Maths time. OK.

Well, it's been a funny old Road Trip but the numbers are in.

And Steve and Christina made a small profit after auction costs

of £9.80, leaving them with £409.80.

But, thanks largely to Boris the boar,

Rory and David came out on top with an amazing £91.70 profit

after costs, and a final figure of £491.70.

A brilliant Road Trip and a fabulous victory

with all profits going to Children In Need.

So, you know what they say in antiques? Losers drive.

-I cannot believe he beat me again.

-I know. It's awful. It's awful.

-See you, guys.

-Stay in touch, now.

-Thanks for the memories!

We've have had a few laughs.

It is good to see you after all these years.

I think we've had quite a lot of fun actually, haven't we?

We've had an indecent amount of fun.

So, at the end of an incredible Road Trip,

all that's left to say is thanks for coming.

You've been a right laugh.