Bernard Cribbins and Barry Cryer Celebrity Antiques Road Trip

The nation's favourite celebrities.

-We are special, then, are we?

-That's excellent.

Paired up with an expert.

We're a very good team, you and me.

And a classic car.

Their mission, to scour Britain for antiques.

-I've no idea what it is.

-Oh, I love it.

The aim, to make the biggest profit at auction.

-Yes!

-But it's no easy ride.

THEY GASP

There's no accounting for taste!

Who will find a hidden gem?

Who will take the biggest risks?

Will anybody follow expert advice?

-Do you like it?

-No.

-No.

There will be worthy winners and valiant losers.

-Are you happy?

-Yes, ecstatic!?

Time to put your pedal to the metal.

This is Celebrity Antiques Road Trip.

Yeah!

On this Celebrity Antiques Road Trip, we'll be having a chuckle with

two venerable legends of comedy, Bernard Cribbins and Barry Cryer.

When they asked me about this, and they said,

"Who would you like to do it with?" I thought of a few people.

-And 34 people turn me down, and then I rang you.

-Yeah,

-Yeah, I knew I wasn't first.

-BERNARD LAUGHS

You jest, Bernard. These two go way back.

Someone asked me how long we'd known each other.

-1962, wasn't it?

-Yes, over 50 years.

-It'll be an extremely cordial competition.

-Cordial.

And, hopefully, amusing.

Glad to hear it.

Ah, another lane.

-That was a swallow that went over there, then.

-Was it?

-Yes, a swallow.

You're a bit of an ornithologist as well.

-And birds!

-Yes, and birds!

MUSIC: The Wombling Song by Mike Batt

In his nearly 70 years in the biz,

Bernard Cribbins has earned his stripes as a true national treasure

of acting and comedy, delighting audiences in everything

from his early stage work, to modern-day Doctor Who

and, of course, he was the voice of beloved '70s kids' TV treat,

The Wombles.

# Making good use of the things that we find... #

Oh! Who's that?

Thank you, ladies! Thank you.

I thought we'd pulled there, Barry.

-BARRY CHUCKLES

-Reverse, reverse!

Gentlemen!

Barry Cryer is a towering titan of British comedy.

As a writer and performer,

he's worked with every great legend of laughter

from the late '50s onwards, and has written gags for everyone,

from Bob Hope, to Morecambe and Wise.

And spent a full four fun-packed decades on the panel of

Radio 4 chuckle-fest I'm Sorry, I Haven't A Clue.

This fine and fragrant morn,

we're driving a classy 1984 Mercedes 280SL.

-What do you reckon to the car, Barry?

-Very smart.

Used to say about David Frost, he had an open-top car,

I said, if it started raining, he'd press the button on the dashboard,

-and it stopped raining!

-BERNARD LAUGHS

I like it, I like it.

Guiding these two greats on their voyage of antique discovery will be

two strapping young auctioneers at the top of their game,

Charles Hanson and Will Axon.

-I'm really excited about today.

-It's going to be good.

-The sun is out.

-Yeah.

-The roof is down.

-Yes, yeah.

-The socks are pulled up.

-Good man.

Charles and Will are piloting

a charming little 1963 Morris Minor convertible.

Obviously, our two big men today are big names, aren't they?

They are, big names. When I heard I was working with you...

CHARLES LAUGHS

-The word "legend" popped into my mind.

-Get out of here!

When you talk about Barry Cryer and the Crib meister, well,

-they are legends, aren't they?

-They are.

With £400 to spend each,

our pairs will journey from sunny St Albans in Hertfordshire,

and circumnavigate the byways around our nation's capital,

aiming for auction in the well-heeled London area

of Twickenham.

It's almost time for celebrities to greet experts.

-BARRY:

-Should have brought my binoculars.

I didn't know you had them.

-Scan the horizon for an expert.

-BERNARD LAUGHS

And here they are!

-I'm twitching. I get nervous.

-About what?

Meeting these legends.

Don't blow your cool before we've even started, Carlos.

-I think I hear the dulcet tones of...

-They're here, they're here!

Heads up, salute.

Hello, there. Good morning, gentlemen.

-BERNARD:

-Stand easy.

-BARRY:

-Good morning, good morning.

You take the left side. I'll go the right.

-BERNARD: Two sugars in mine, please!

-Good morning.

-How are you?

The name's Hanson, Charles Hanson.

-I'm Bernard.

-Good to see you, Bernard.

-Do you prefer Bernard, or Mr Cribbins?

-No, Bernard, please.

Or, hey, you, there's money involved.

CHARLES LAUGHS

-Barry, I'm Will, anyway.

-Good morning, Will, I'm Barry. Hello.

They've already agreed that Bernard will pair with Charles,

and Barry with Will.

-All the best.

-Yeah.

-Take care.

CHARLES CHUCKLES

-BERNARD:

-There we are.

And they're off.

Both teams are heading to the same shop in St Albans

to kick off their buying.

-What is this?

-Excuse me!

-What?

-It's this way, Charles!

Where on Earth are you going, Charles? Honestly!

-So, here we go. Off to our first shop.

-I know.

It is a learning curve, this, I shall be fascinated.

Barry doesn't drive, so Will will be chauffeuring him.

I'm a very placid, unnervous passenger.

So, you won't have any aggravation.

Oh, my God!

-Look out, it's a... Hedgehog!?

-BARRY CHUCKLES

Hey, road safety's no joshing matter on the road trip, chaps.

Meanwhile, on the scenic route,

Charles is coming out as something of a fan.

MUSIC: The Wombling Song by Mike Batt

To me, you are a very precious and priceless gentleman.

-Oh, dear, really?

-Yes.

My childhood was summed up by The Wombles.

You made my childhood.

Oh, don't gush, Charles, you'll embarrass the man.

But they're still in search of their bearings.

Now, around here is a shop, hopefully.

So, eyes peeled.

Try the next turning.

I don't know why.

I think that's our shop, you know?

-This'll do me.

-It looks busy enough. And, I think... Do you know what?

I think we've beaten the other ones here, Barry.

-Go on, in you go. Get in.

-Yeah, get in, get in.

Maybe if I lock the door, we won't let them in.

-Look, oh, boy.

-It goes on, doesn't it?

Time for a good, old-fashioned browse, boys.

-You've always got to remember to look up.

-Yes, that's true.

-Not really into Picasso. Nothing personal, Pablo.

-Yes?!

WILL CHUCKLES

What sort of loot does Barry fancy picking up today?

At my age, now, it would be lovely to see coming that I'd go,

-"Oh! Memories."

-Well, that is perfect.

You can relate to it.

In a shop like this, it's likely to happen, because there's so much.

And has Barry already spotted something

that might get the synapses firing?

Brains? Oh, no, dear, dear, dear! Brains. Snail, dogfish, frog,

-pigeon and rat!

-Oh, that's a must, he said, as in "not"!

BARRY CHUCKLES

Slightly macabre.

Yeah, pass the sick bag.

Elsewhere in the shop, there's something rather more jolly.

-Look at that!

-What is that?

-I tell you what that is, Barry.

-What is it?

That is the Rolls-Royce of deckchairs.

I just thought, deckchair. But it's deckchair-plus.

"Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside."

-Vintage deckchair.

-Oh, oh, yes.

Shall I... Ooh, hang on!

Oh, ooh, I think it's got built-in suspension.

Yeah, you get in it, and it goes boom! And this comes up.

-Shall I try it?

-Yeah. Give it a test drive.

Oh, dear.

Ooh... Oh. Careful, Barry.

Ooh.

It's a one-off. It's got an individual quality about it.

Do you know what? It's not very dear.

On the ticket they've had 58, crossed out. 48.

So they're going down in tenners. I think if we get that for, say,

-£20, £25.

-Yes, yeah.

They're keen on it. So best ask dealer George what she can do.

-I think that's George over there.

-Here's George. George!

-Hello, Will.

-You've met my friend?

I have indeed.

Brad Pitt. THEY LAUGH

On a bad day!

Ooh, I feel like a bit of a gooseberry.

GEORGE LAUGHS

We've spotted an item which we'd like to talk to you about.

I would like to offer you £20 for the deckchair.

Oh, Will! Oh, dear.

Moment of... Shall we have some dramatic music now?

Da-doon, da-doon, da-doon..

Diddle-diddle-diddle ddrrmm!

-It has been here for a while, I do grant you that.

-Yeah.

But I do think that 30 would be a really good deal.

£30?

-Do we meet in the middle, is that how the old trick goes?

-25?

Do we meet in the middle at £25?

-25, George?

-If you give me a kiss on the cheek, I'll do 25.

-Yay!

-I'll do more than that.

-Ooh!

-OK. Done.

-Best £25 I've ever had.

-Perfect.

Barry's proving to be something of a charmer.

And that pair have their first buy, for a bargain £25.

Now, Bernard and Charles seem to have finally caught up.

Come along now, chaps.

-I think they're in there, you know.

-You reckon?

-I think they're in there.

Does that mean they've snatched up all the good stuff? Where are they?

Now, I wonder how Bernard will fare in the vintage and retro shop?

-It's what you call shabby chic. Do you like it?

-No, no.

If I said to you, what style is that, what would you say?,

-Um. Jacobean.

-Yeah, absolutely.

-But, um, done last week.

-Absolutely.

Hm, you've been hiding a light under a bushel, Bernard.

-I think you're on fire.

-Am I on fire?

-You're on fire.

For God's sake, put me out, it's getting warm in here.

CHARLES CHUCKLES

-They're reproductions.

-Is there a name?

-No.

They wouldn't fit you, don't look at those.

CHARLES LAUGHS

But soon, they're reflecting on something that might be a contender.

That's quite nice. It is.

-That is nice.

-It is nice, yeah.

Why does that appeal to you?

Well, it's got "theatre" on it, which is where I come from.

It's a decorative mirror in the Edwardian Art Nouveau style.

I love almost these very organic and florid Art Nouveau borders.

-I like that.

-It's quite pretty.

You couldn't comb your hair in it, mind.

-What would you pay for it in a saleroom?

-£60?

-Yes, I would say

it's worth between 40 and 60.

-If it's below that...

-Have a look.

-Have a guess.

-Go on.

-Look at me.

-38.

-Have a guess.

Oh, my God. 28.

-Buy it.

-Hey?

-Buy it.

So, they're very keen on that.

-Right. Put it back, quick.

-OK, OK. Mental note, yes?

-Yes, indeed.

-I'll sit down here on my shooting stick until you're ready.

-Well done.

Jackanory, Jackanory, Jackanory.

I'd like to tell you a little story about a man called Charles.

I could tell you stories about Charles, Bernard!

-I've just seen an upside-down gorilla out there, look.

-Oh, yes.

-On the roof.

-Where did he come from?

-I've no idea.

-He looks like he's had a nasty fall.

-Yeah.

There's a tag on his right ear.

-That would be a laugh.

-It would be a laugh. Shall we find out?

-Yes.

Charles will be Bernard's personal shopper,

and fetch the fine fellow. Go on, Charles.

I'm going to pull him down. I'm going to jump and pull it down.

-We want a taller auctioneer.

-Ready? Three, two...

-Go on, jump.

-Be careful.

Well done. Very good.

-I've got him.

-Oh, yes! Rather large, isn't it?

Let's have a look, bring it down.

-Ah, he's lovely.

-Bernard.

How sweet.

Hello, baby. How are you?

Yes. Are you all right? Yeah, give us a wave? Hello.

Give us a kiss.

Rargh!

MUSIC: Mr Benn Theme Tune

I think he's more orang-utan than gorilla, you know.

And, as if by magic...

He's thrown in a banana!

-Does that come with him as well?

-Yeah.

-Excellent, that comes with it.

Do you want a banana? No, I'm giving them up, make you deaf.

Huh, dealer Ricardo can help with the mirror and gorilla.

What's your very, very best price on this one?

-It says 35 on it.

-Erm, 25.

-Will 20 do?

20?

-Yeah, OK.

-Could you manage 20?

-Yeah.

-Thank you, sir, deal.

-Thank you very much.

-Thank you.

Brilliant. I'm over the moon. BERNARD CHUCKLES

-He's ours.

-Me and my buddy.

They've landed the beast. And the mirror?

The mirror belongs to George, and she said she would take 25.

-That's the very best?

-Yeah.

I would say yes to that.

-We'll take the mirror.

-We'll take the mirror.

-£25.

Thanks a lot. Good job.

Deal done.

Meanwhile, Barry and Will have alighted on something

that looks a bit of a laugh.

-Oh, oh.

-What have you found?

-Mr Pickwick.

-I think it is.

And it's a teapot.

Are you a tea drinker?

Heavily.

It's modelled as the character Mr Pickwick

from Charles Dickens' classic comic novel, The Pickwick Papers.

It dates from the 1920s or 1930s.

Oh, that would cheer me up in the morning.

Not keen, Will?

-Oh, I know what you're thinking.

-You're the boss.

-I know what you're thinking.

-It's only 12 quid.

A Lingard teapot.

I've got this liking for things that cheer me up when I look at them.

Can I go for Mr Pickwick?

Listen, who am I to tell you what you can and can't buy?

Barry loves it, even if Will's not convinced.

I'm sold on it.

-Are you all right with him?

-Yeah.

Shall we take him out and meet George?

Other way, Barry!

I need sat nav here!

-It's this way, mate.

-You see, I'm proving it!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, yes, there's daylight.

-Mind the steps.

-Steps, steps, steps.

-Well, George...

-What have you there?

Listen, as this is your baby, as it were,

-I'm going to let you take the lead.

-Oh, dear.

-WHISPERS:

-I would start at half.

-Well, you said... Back off.

-Oh, yes, sorry, I did say this wasn't...

I didn't hear what he said.

Well...

Nothing personal, nothing insulting, George but it's lovely.

-A fiver.

-Oh!

He's harsher than I am, you know.

-I think he is. I think I'd rather you did it.

-No.

-WHISPERS:

-You've got it, good work.

OK, how about six?

You have fallen in love with it, you want to pour your tea out of it.

-I've fallen in love with you, George, not Mr Pickwick.

-Oh!

It's a deal.

Now Barry might be a haggling novice,

but his charms won out again.

They get Mr Pickwick for £6.

While Will's paying up...

-Hello!

-Oh, look out.

-Hat alert.

Stop spying on the opposition, Charles.

-It's our man in Havana!

-Gosh.

-It's our man...

-Charles, nice to see you again.

-How have you been, Charles?

-Very well, I've left your wing man, Bernard...

-Where is he?

We're just negotiating on some big objects.

WILL GASPS

-Are you big spending?

-We are big spending.

-We're spending.

-We're spending, yes.

-We are popping our chest out.

-Oh, well...

-Fighting talk.

-You know your own business best.

See you later.

-You never can tell with that boy.

-No...

-He's like a Labrador puppy.

-He's either going to lick you to death, or wet the carpet.

-Yes.

You never know quite where you are.

What about that?

Bernard's found something.

-Is it West German?

-Yeah.

That is where the market has really picked up.

If there's one aspect of the sector I'm in

where the market has taken off,

it's for these West German pots from the 1970s.

It's rather handsome.

Because the design is very much about...

What do you call this type of, it was that time and that era...

Psychedelia?

-Not flower power, what do you call it? The psychedelic influence.

-Yeah.

Didn't I just say that?

-It in good shape, isn't it?

-Down here it could do quite well.

That is a big lump. It's big, it's chunky...

Then you'd better speak to Ricardo.

There's no ticket price on the Germanic jug.

-What do you reckon?

-Well, we've enjoyed your company

and you've made our day. You can have it for £1.

-Really? Quick, quick.

-100 pence.

-Come on, quick.

Blimey! That's the deal of the century.

That's most kind, thank you very much.

We've enjoyed ourselves and that is the cherry on the cake.

-It is.

-Oops!

-It is.

-Don't do things like that!

-It WAS our pot of gold.

-Honestly.

Where's the monkey?

Smashing!

See you, bye.

A quid!

After that dashing deal, time for a well earned sit down.

-I quite fancy...

-Well, they've got chilli con carne.

-WILL:

-We are on a roll.

-OK.

I recognise those... I recognise.

-There they are.

-Boys. You must be feeling confident.

-Time for a sit down and a chat.

-I think we are very content.

-Barry, are you enjoying yourself?

-I'm delirious.

-He's delirious!

We will see you later.

-He can teach us all something, Charles.

-Absolutely.

Try and stay awake, Barry!

Have you had your tablets?

BARRY CHUCKLES

There's nothing like a bit of healthy competition

and this is nothing like it.

Now, this afternoon, Charles and Bernard are driving

off to the environs of the village of Duxford in Cambridgeshire.

They're on their way to the Imperial War Museum's site at RAF Duxford,

a complex of armed services' museums where they are going to spend

the afternoon exploring a subject close to Bernard's heart.

Do you know I have always wanted to come to Duxford.

I was in the Parachute Regiment for my National Service

from '47 to '49. I absolutely loved it.

I served in Palestine and went out to Germany.

My National Service was memorable, to say the least.

I'll say. Although he is known as the cuddly voice of The Wombles,

Bernard, indeed, served in one of the toughest

regiments in the British Armed Forces.

DRUMS BEAT

Oh, dear.

-We could be in for a long walk.

-OK, get on with it.

MUSIC: 633 Squadron Theme composed by Ron Goodwin

He and Charles are heading into Airborne Assault,

the museum of the Parachute Regiment and airborne forces where

they're meeting assistant curator, Bob Hilton.

-Are you Bob?

-I'm Bob.

-Hello Bob, I'm Bernard.

-Nice to meet you.

-This is Charles.

Hi, Bob, Charles Hanson, good to see you.

-Right, where are we going to go, Bob?

-Down here.

-Thank you.

Bernard's time in the Parachute Regiment began in 1947,

just after the end of the Second World War

but it was only during that conflict that the idea of forming

a British Army regiment, designed to be deployed by air, was first conceived.

The German army had pioneered an elite fighting,

who were sent into battle by parachute, paratroopers

and they had proved devastatingly effective.

-What were they called, Fallschirmjager.

-Fallschirmjager.

Their stunning action on the 10th May 1940,

where they landed by glider and parachute at various bridges

and fortresses along the French and Belgian border

and overrun the garrisons in a very, very short space of time.

Prime Minister Winston Churchill took note of the enemy's success.

It was those reports that got back to Churchill that led him

to call for a force of 5,000 men

and that's a copy of the original letter

that he wrote to the chiefs of staff.

-"..pray let me have a note from the War Office on the subject."

-Yes.

That means, quick, now.

One of the legendary figures of the early days of British paratroops

was Regimental Sergeant Major J C Lord,

whose exemplary World War II service,

included the brave protection of his troops

while a prisoner of war in a German prisoner of war camp.

He took over the camp Stalag XIB at Fallingbostel

and he ended up running it and the German commandant

-used to have to knock on his door before he came in.

-He was terrific.

After the war RSM Lord was posted to the Parachute Regiment's

training facilities where Bernard himself was trained.

I actually spoke with him.

He was the RSM of the training and holding battalion when I was in Aldershot.

One day I had been naughty on parade and, you know, picked my nose,

or whatever it was, and I was told by my Corporal Drake.

He said, "Rifle over your head, double round the square."

The square was about 18 miles long.

I am going bing-bong, bing-bong.

I hear that very high voice that Mr Lord had.

I went over, in front of him.

"What have you been doing?" "Idle on parade, sir."

"Carry on!" And off I went.

Those were the words I had with him.

What a memory, that was, where did that come from?

Excellent. Oh, dear.

That's not the only trip down memory lane that Bob has in store today.

We have got a bit of a surprise.

Really? I'm not jumping, I've got bad knees.

This is the report on Course No 221,

19th of July 1947 to 13th August 1947.

-On page number two...

-I don't believe it.

Here we have...

Private Cribbins.

-"Good performer."

-That's you.

"Well disciplined, a likely NCO."

Golly, top marks, Cribbins.

So you were really, what, ten out of ten, Bernard.

-Well, nine out of ten.

-OK.

Nobody is ten out of ten, unless you are very, very good.

Well, that's lovely. Can I steal that?

-I think we have done a copy.

-Oh, that's brilliant.

-That amazing, isn't it?

-I shall put it on my CV.

-Absolutely!

"Good performer." What, him?

"Well disciplined?" Get out of it.

MUSIC: 633 Squadron Theme composed by Ron Goodwin

Hey, the report card proves you were, Bernard.

I think it's time you imparted some of that military discipline

to the next generation, don't you?

SHOUTS: Come on, Charles, what do you think you're doing?

Left, right, left right.

You're waddling, you look like a duck. Get a move on!

I've never seen such a sloppy effort in my life.

The front view is awful but the back view is even worse.

Left, right, left, right... Come on, move your sorry backside!

You tell 'em, Bernard.

Left, right, left, right, left, right, left, right...

Meanwhile, Barry and Will are driving onwards.

-So, Barry, I'm intrigued to know...

-Yes.

..how you first got into, shall we call it, show business?

I had no plan and blue eyes got to university and blew it.

What you mean, you blew it?

I chased girls

and was not unknown in the bar and my first year results showed it.

I felt ashamed and let everybody down.

We did this charity show called the Rag Review and a guy saw me

-and offered me work.

-Wow!

-Lucky, or what?

I've had this thing happenstance, serendipity or whatever,

of being in the right place at the right time.

Let's hope Barry carries some of the good fortune on to the next shop,

as they head for the town of Berkhamsted in Hertfordshire.

-Well, here we are.

-This is all very pleasant, isn't it?

Barry and Will are heading into Home & Colonial,

a shop that deals in antiques and interior design.

They still have a generous £369 left to spend.

This is all very... This is the 20th century.

I think half of this stuff is younger than you are, Barry.

Everything's younger than me! What are you talking about?

Are you into all this sort of 20th century stuff?

-Were you a man of the '60s?

-Yes. They say If you can't remember the...

If you remember the... You weren't there. What was that quote?

-What are you going to say?

-THEY LAUGH

Soon enough they've spotted something.

-What are these? You said you wanted something ceramic-y.

-Yeah.

Bit of sort of French faience, I would have said.

Faience is the French type of tin glazed pottery.

-They've got something about them, haven't they?

-Yeah.

-Nice pair of candlesticks.

-Oh, yeah.

They're marked up at £49, which I don't think it's a huge amount.

So that's one distinct possibility but they're browsing on.

If they can get past lovely shopkeepers, Eileen and Jenny.

We've been rumbled. We would make rubbish shoplifters, wouldn't we?

-Keep walking. Keep walking, Will.

-You distract them, Barry!

-Oh, by the way...

-That shaggy dog story you told me earlier!

THEY LAUGH

A truncheon. "Bucks Police".

You need a truncheon voucher with that.

WILL LAUGHS Dear, oh, dear. Have I no shame?

Nothing wrong with a lovely pun, I always say.

What is this?

Looks like some sort of oversized candle box of sorts.

-Let me have a look on this, Will.

-What does it say?

-You're not going to believe this.

-Tell me.

-"Baguette box".

-A baguette box? I don't believe it!

-Oh, boy.

-A baguette box.

-That's a bit singular.

-HE SNIFFS

-It doesn't smell of baguette.

BARRY LAUGHS

And it's French. And so we realised we've got a theme emerging.

We've got a theme going with the French.

Mais, oui.

Ticket price on the second piece of Gallic je ne sais quoi is £45.

-Allons-y.

-OK.

Let's see what Eileen and Jenny have to say.

Of course, the boys are looking for a discount.

-Well, let's say we'll do 10% for you.

-Come, come!

10%! We're not regular trade! This is Barry Cryer!

Barry, I beg your pardon.

In that case, Barry, we'll do 5%. Is that OK?

-THEY LAUGH

-Touche!

Ticket price on both lots combined is £94.

We're going to come in with a cheeky offer of...

-Shall I do the dirty work?

-Go on, do the dirty work.

-£50 for both.

85.

Shall we say £80? A nice round number? £80.

And then we stand a chance at 80 quid, I think, almost.

-We stand a chance.

-Come on, 80.

-And you get the candlesticks.

It's been great. No, it's been good fun.

I think that's a fair discount. Thank you.

£80 for two lots and more kisses all round. How terribly continental!

-But as an encore...

-They're going out for dinner

and she's in the bathroom trying on a new dress.

She came out and said to her husband, "Does my bum look big in this?"

He said, "Be fair, it's quite a small bathroom!"

THEY LAUGH

As they say, always leave them laughing.

-Or at least, leave them...

-THEY HUM

-I feel very French all of a sudden.

-Lovely. Gallic mood.

And with that last daring buy it's the end of a jam-packed

first day on the trip. Night-night, chaps.

But before you know it, the summer sun has arisen and Charles

and Will are back in the car and ready to rumble.

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going.

If the tough know where they're going.

-I don't know where we're going.

-Ha-ha! Hang on, where's me map?

-I've lost me map.

-Situation normal here, then.

Meanwhile, our celebrities are miles ahead

of the whippersnappers and reflecting on the trip so far.

Funny job, this, isn't it?

Looking at old stuff and making fortunes out of it?

I spend my life looking at old jokes.

-Yes!

-Evaluating old jokes.

Antique humour.

"This was first used by Oliver Cromwell!"

And just slightly more late than him...

They're already here.

-That's their car.

-Where are they?

Morning. Oh, and this is Will.

-Hello, Will. Good morning.

-You know how to live, don't you?

-Good morning. He's MY expert.

-Morning, skipper, how are you?

How are you, skipper? Good to see you.

-Is that the time?

-It is. Best get on the road.

So far Bernard and Charles have spent £46 on three items.

The Art Nouveau mirror, the German jug and the stuffed gorilla.

So, they've got a whopping £354 left to spend today.

Barry and Will have spent £111 on four lots.

The deckchair, the Pickwickian teapot, French candlesticks

and the baguette box.

So they have £289 still in hand.

Now, Will and Barry are back in the Morris Minor.

So, Barry, today we've got a bit of a treat for you.

-I hope it's a bit of a treat for you.

-What is this treat?

We are going to a museum.

But not any old museum, the Museum of Comedy.

Oh, boy! I'm looking forward to this.

I'm looking forward to it and I must say, what a great...

-What a legend to turn up with, as well!

-Who?

I don't know. I think we're picking someone up on the way.

You're learning from the comedy master, Will.

-I've got a joke for you.

-Go on, then.

-Who's the most relaxed bloke in the hospital?

-I have no idea.

-Who is the most relaxed bloke in the hospital?

-The ultrasound guy.

THEY LAUGH

Actually, that wasn't that bad!

They're driving to the central London district of Bloomsbury.

This is a lovely day. Lovely day. Oh, what have we here?

They are indeed strolling off towards the Museum of Comedy.

You two don't half walk funnililily!

-They're meeting assistant curator, David.

-Hello.

-Hi.

-Hi, there. I'm Will.

-I don't need to introduce this man to you, do I?

-You do not, sir.

Barry and Will are visiting the Museum of Comedy on the very

week it first opens to the public. How's that for VIP access?

It houses costumes, scripts, props and all manner of memorabilia

relating to the serious history of silly old comedy.

Incongruously, it's also housed in the former crypt of a church.

I've died in bigger places than this! THEY LAUGH

But this is where comedy legends live on.

They are going to see some schmutter which belonged to comedy star

of the early 20th century, Max Miller.

Ah! Miller! Recreated! This is a sort of coat and outfit he used to wear.

That's actually in the photos there. Wearing it while he's performing.

The white hat.

Miller was the brightest star in music hall comedy

between the 1930s and 1950s.

Beloved by millions for his cheeky gags and sartorial flair.

Miller was so distinctive, coming on the stage.

Full technicolour act coming on. It was terrific.

You wouldn't have forgotten him, would you, if you went to see him?

And Barry himself has an early memory of seeing Miller's

gleeful and risque act.

My mother took me to see him and I was astonished.

He was at Leeds Empire Theatre and even then,

I was getting a flavour of the double entendre.

He was a naughty boy, you know? The awful twinkling blue eyes.

My mother was loving it.

She was twinkling away because he was the bad boy.

From one pioneering comedy rebel to another, they're now going to

check out some items that belonged to another hero of Barry's.

He's a legend of television comedy from a slightly earlier era

and one he actually worked with, Tommy Cooper.

-Who made these?

-Tommy Cooper made them himself.

-He made them?

Yeah, he was a carpenter so he made the majority of his own props.

-I never knew that!

-I remember this prop from his sketch.

-Shall we practice?

-Yes.

-So, you walk on stage.

Ta-da!

Cooper's act often disguised his great skills

as a magician behind the laugh-baiting premise

of failed tricks or unexpected transformations.

-This looks like a proper magician's prop.

-This is a magician's prop.

But I'm not entirely sure what it does, apart from the fact

we're not really supposed to use it cos it breaks, like...

-Oh!

-Ah! And is this another prop here?

A magic trick where things suddenly appear out of nowhere.

Which is... It's all very nice. It's all very easy.

THEY LAUGH AND CLAP Oh, yeah!

-Great. Wonderful.

-Perfect.

-This could be good.

-OK.

-Way-hey!

-Tommy would be proud.

Having had their last laugh,

it's time for Barry and Will to hit the road, Jack.

Terrific. He's in the room. It's wonderful.

Meanwhile, Bernard and Charles are heading for the town

of East Molesey in Surrey.

And Charles is a bit starstruck, bless him.

Could you, just now, just for my golden age of being a young boy,

-give me some Womble narrative.

-Ha-ha!

AS ORINOCO: I must tell Uncle Bulgaria when I get back to the burrow.

AS UNCLE BULGARIA: Yes, Orinoco, I can see you and you're not working.

You're being lazy again.

AS ORINOCO: Oh, no. Sorry, Uncle Bulgaria.

And then Madame Cholet will come in, you know...

AS CHOLET: Monsieur Bulgaria, what would you like for lunch today?

Glorious!

They are strolling off into Bridge Road Antiques

with £354 still in hand and meeting dealer, Sue.

-I'm Bernard.

-Hello. Nice to meet you. Hi.

Nice to get out of that sun. It's quite warm out there.

-Wow, look at this! Wonderful!

-It's an emporium, isn't it?

In contrast to yesterday's Bernard way of buying,

Charles is determined to take the reins and find some real antiques.

I've been showing off all the time you see, and now it's his turn.

Believe me, Bernard, Charles never lacks a chance to show off.

-Where are we going now?

-Let's go... Follow me.

-Forwards.

-Follow me.

Look at that!

Look at that! This is highbrow Edwardian silver.

-What we call neo-rococo art.

-I knew him actually.

-I was in a play with him once.

-Neo-rococo?

-Yeah. He's a lovely clown.

-Never heard of him.

-A very funny man.

And so are you, Bernard, even if Charles is a bit slow on the uptake!

They found an Edwardian solid silver bonbon basket, as you do.

-Sheffield hallmarked, the year...

-1905.

-Made by James Dixon and Sons.

-Yes. Are they well-known?

-Yeah, they are.

Ticket price is a hefty £220 but it is the kind of quality

-antique that Charles wanted to buy.

-That is extraordinary, isn't it?

-Isn't it?

-It's owned by a dealer off-site.

-Do you want me to give him a ring?

-Yeah, why not?

Give him a ring and ask for his very, very best price.

Just tell him I've got a bad leg and I need help.

All right, then. I'll tell them that. OK. Bye.

He said 170.

I'm leaving it entirely in your hands because you're the expert.

Do you know, I'm really happy, based on the quality, Sue,

and with my mate, to take a chance on this.

-I think 170, we're going to say going, going...

-Thank you. Deal.

-Gone. Thank you very much, Sue, we're over the moon.

-I like it.

It's a nice item but it's almost half of their total budget. Crumbs!

Are you impressed with me now? Are you impressed?

I'm more than impressed. I'm deafened.

You and me both, Bernard.

Bernard. There's one thing over here as well.

-You're a dog lover, aren't you?

-Yes, indeed, yes.

I quite like this here. The Victorian alabaster carved box.

-Do you like that?

-With a spaniel on top.

-Yes.

-It's quite sweet, isn't it?

-What would you use that for?

Probably you might use it as a jewellery box or maybe

a little dressing table box.

-Give me a date on that.

-Thursday.

-Thursday!

Ha-ha! Spot on, Bernard!

It dates from any Thursday you care to mention in the 1880s.

-Ticket price is £23. What's he like?

-I quite like that.

-Go on. Do a deal.

-Go on.

-I quite like it.

-If you can get that for £20, I say buy it.

-Would you really?

-Yes.

I would knock three off it just because I'm mean and horrid.

-Nobody is listening, are they?

-She's over there.

-Oh. Hello, Sue!

Are you all right? Yes. Would you do a 20 on that for me?

-I think she would definitely do 20.

-She would?

We're very happy with that. £20. Thank you.

-We'll take that as well.

-Thank you.

-Lovely.

Another deal sealed on a real antique.

But they're not finished yet.

-It's just lurking over there.

-Having a lurk.

-Having a lurk.

-Picture?

-It's got four legs.

-It's a chair.

-Yes.

Good guess.

-If you're browsing, Charles, I shall sit down.

-Fine.

HE WHISTLES Yes.

I've got a good view here. It is pretty, isn't it?

-Mind the top.

-Oops. Sorry, Sue.

-Mind the bottom.

-Sorry, Sue.

You're terribly clumsy. It is pretty.

Isn't that a gorgeous chair?

That really is a spectacular bit of furniture.

It's an Edwardian mahogany bedroom chair, dating from around 1905.

But the quality is superb. So good, in fact...

-Beautifully done.

-Not to everyone's taste.

-Beautifully done. Look at it.

-We checked the construction.

-It's knockout.

HE KNOCKS ON WOOD Oh!

So, they definitely want the chair. But at what price?

On the ticket is £80.

Do your stuff. Come on, negotiate.

-Sue, what's your best price?

-I could have said that!

-It's got to be worth 60.

-Look at me! Look at me!

-60?

-No?

-No. It's got to be more than that.

-61?

-Keep going. Keep going.

-65.

-I would think she would probably do 65.

-Really?

Success! Three real antiques in the bag. Good work, chaps.

Now, having spent the morning larking about,

Barry and Will are still on the hunt for another item

but they are feeling confident.

Do you think we've already got this in the bag?

Well, I won't say it again. Yes, I will. Yes, we have.

They're travelling to the London district of Battersea,

where they're off to Northcote Road antiques market.

We'll do a quick circuit, Barry, and just see if there's anything.

-Sure.

-Gramophone.

Hang on a minute.

-Oh! Oh, I say!

-Do you quite like that?

Do you like that? I love these. I know exactly what it is.

This is called a gull vase made for Holmegaard.

And it's very fashionable and trendy at the moment.

This Danish glass vase probably dates from the 1960s.

Ticket price is £55. Time to speak to dealer, Sue.

They're all called Sue, actually.

-Sue, love. First thought is 30.

-40. Do it for 40?

55 down to 40. I think that's a fair discount in the circumstances.

-Will, I just had a thought.

-Tell me.

-We should accept it.

THEY LAUGH

-TRAY CLATTERS

-Barry...that was a drum roll.

Barry, shake on it.

-You got the kiss for free.

-Thank you.

-Thank you very much.

The tag team haggling approach has won

another deal around and everyone is all bought up.

-Yes!

-Yes!

-We're done!

And what does that mean?

Time for both teams to unveil their purchases, of course.

I've done my hamstring.

Bernard and Charles are up first.

This, I reckon, is the exciting bit, isn't it?

THEY SING SUSPENSEFUL TUNE

You were both out of tune there, do you know that?

-We were meant to be.

-Are we going first?

Yes. Ta-da!

Look at that!

They combined the German jug and Art Nouveau mirror

-into one lot for the auction.

-Which we like.

-A lot of jug for your money.

-Absolutely. 1970s.

Next item, what I thrive on is the lovely silver pierced basket.

-Barry, that's from Sheffield, 1905.

-Yes, indeed. Very close to me.

-Hallmarked.

-It smacks of quality.

-And then this very lovely...

-Alabaster casket. Victorian.

-I love Alabaster.

-I love the sheep on top.

-It's not, it's a spaniel.

-It's a spaniel! It's not a sheep!

-Thanks for coming!

A sheep! Honestly! But there is one final beast.

-Here, he's down there.

-He's having a kip cos he's bored with everything.

-Saying hello to you as well.

-What a face!

-Isn't he nice?

He knows who the winners are.

Barry, I'm going to ask you, are you impressed with our wares?

-Yes, in a sense.

-Don't get carried away there, Barry!

-Are we going to reveal?

-Was it a good partnership buying?

We had fun. We agreed on everything.

I'm going to watch this from a sitting position

-because I know it's going to be extraordinary.

-I'll give you a hand.

-Oh, I say!

-I'll give you a hand.

-I say!

-Hang on, I haven't finished yet.

-Now, this is the bit.

Da-da-da-da... The weather's right for it.

Oh, that's great. Oh, yes.

And it elevates when you get in, and sit in it.

What are we talking about, elevating?

Oh, I see! A chaise short.

What about this camp gentleman with his hand on his hip?

Now, who is that camp gentleman?

-Turn him round have a good look.

-Let's have a look.

-Mr Pickwick.

-Correct.

-Oh, well done, sir!

I'm intrigued by this. What is it?

-Now, one thing at a time, are we doing...?

-No, we've done Mr Pickwick.

He's out of it. What is this?

-This is what I want to see.

-Ah, yes! This is what intrigued us.

-Do you know what it was marked up as?

-What?

-A baguette box.

-Really?

-Baguette box! Isn't that wonderful?

Have you ever heard of such a thing?

-I think it's for carrying ferrets about... No.

-Wrong.

-It is.

-No. A ferret box? No, sorry.

-Do you think it's French?

It must be, mustn't it?

-Yeah.

-Baguette.

-Yeah.

I've had enough of this - I'm having a drink.

Get it down you, lad!

Yeah, help yourself, Bernard.

-CHARLES:

-I think, guys, all I can say is,

the competition is brewing,

I'm really excited - Barry, good luck.

And to you, Charles.

You might need it.

Charles, may I say thank you?

Pleasure.

-Well done, Will.

-Bernie.

But while the other team's backs are turned,

what do they really think?

I thought they pursued a rather good mediocre standard, quite frankly.

I'm so sorry to sound smug.

Who wants a baguette box?

-Er, people with a lot of baguettes that they want to forget.

-Yeah...

-Let the battle commence in the saleroom.

-Let the battle commence.

May the best team win.

I'm feeling rather emotional!

-SOBS:

-Me too, Barry!

On this Road Trip, they've sniggered all the way from St Albans

to end up tittering here in Twickenham, London.

Will and Charles are motoring to auction...

-Welcome to Twickenham.

-Thank you very much.

Thanks for having me.

..as are Bernard and Barry.

-BERNARD MIMICS CHAUFFEUR:

-These are the back streets of Twickenham, sir.

Yes, Cribbins, yes.

Just off the High Street.

Get your act together.

Twickenham's famed as the home of the England rugby team,

and the site of the largest rugby union stadium in the world.

I think we're nearly there now, Barry.

-Nearly-nearly.

-Nearly.

-They're not here yet, are they?

-Do you think they've got lost?

Oh, here they are, look.

THEY CHUCKLE

Good evening!

You may joke, Barry, but it IS royalty.

The driver's very good.

-Hello.

-How are you, sir?

-Well, I'm better now I'm out of that car.

-Very good!

They're all piling into High Road Auctions,

where auctioneer David Holmes will today be presiding.

But before first gavel-strike,

what does he think of the two teams' lots?

Deck chair - nice thing.

Early 20th century, I think this one's made out of beech.

We've got the weather for it today - let's hope somebody loves it.

Er, a gorilla cushion...

If there's any...perhaps three to five-year-olds

with a bank account in Twickenham, we're home and dry.

Bernard and Charles started this Road Trip with £400

and spent £301 exactly on five lots,

while Barry and Will spent £151 exactly,

and also have five lots to show for it.

Come on, guys.

We're on the front row tonight...

-Good evening, how do you do?

-..for the big night.

-Excellent!

-There ought to be a stand-up before the start.

What time's the show start?

-Time the ice creams arrived.

-The ice creams are coming round!

So, how are you feeling? Are you feeling confident?

What a silly question!

Of course not.

I refuse to be complacent.

Arrogant, yes. Complacent, never.

Well, wake me up when it's finished, will you?

Good luck, big man.

-Thanks for coming.

-Thank you very much.

-Good luck.

-Good luck, Baz.

You're not Baz, you're Will!

The auction's about to begin. Oh, the excitement!

Enjoy it.

First up is Bernard and Charles' alabaster box...

mit spaniel.

Come on! Let's go.

Exactly, come along. £20, the maiden bid.

Take five again.

I've got a maiden bid with the gentleman there at 20. Five again?

-25.

-Yes!

-£30.

-Five again.

-Yes!

-40.

Oh, it IS into profit!

Gentleman's bid on my right, at £40 only.

Five. 50. 45, the lady's bid.

50 the gentleman's bid. Five again.

-£50.

-50 earth pounds?

-Calm down.

-It's going at 50, isn't it?

Done at 50. GAVEL BANGS

-Give me a high-five.

-BERNARD WHISTLES

"Calm down," he says!

That's top dog.

And it puts Bernard and Charles in the lead.

Give me a handshake.

Well done.

We'll give them one, Barry. We'll give them one.

Lull them into a false sense of security.

Next, it's the Danish glass vase for Barry and Will.

-Very nice.

-Very nice.

-Very nice.

-We have a comment in the front row. Thank you, sir.

-Get it sold.

£10, get it started. Where's the bid? Thank you.

15 on it.

-Come on, the internet.

-£20, sir.

£20 is bid.

Five again. It's the gentleman in the doorway at £20 only.

I'll take five on this lot.

Any further bids? Your bid, sir. Any bids online? Are we done at 20?

I'm going to get my coat, Barry.

I know. GAVEL BANGS

-Oh, dear!

-Wow, that's a disappointment.

That IS a disappointment.

Unlucky, but both everything to play for.

Never mind. I enjoyed owning it briefly.

It's our gorilla, isn't it?

Um...yeah, the gorilla.

Your funky gibbon.

It's not a gibbon.

What is a gibbon?

For goodness' sake. Much bigger than a gibbon.

And it's the wrong colour.

-It's an orang-utan.

-I think you might be right.

Indeed, it's the funky orang-utan next.

This lady seems to like it.

Go on, hug it.

BERNARD WHISTLES

Star lot of the show.

Lot number 73.

Sit! Sit!

Star lot of the show.

He's complete with his banana.

Somebody suggested a dog bed, thought it was a fantastic idea.

-Yep.

-"Somebody"?

Bid me £30 for it.

I'm sure you know where this one comes from. £30, only.

Thank you, £30, sir. 35 on that lot.

Yes, yes!

Anybody else want to join in with this lot? The orang-utan.

LAUGHTER

-Come on!

-£30. I have a maiden bid.

Don't listen to a word of it.

It'd be a lovely dog bed! Absolutely marvellous as a dog bed,

whether you've got a St Bernard or a Cairn Terrier. Beautiful.

Who WAS that?

-Would you like the hammer?

-No, I wouldn't. No, no.

£30, the maiden bid. Take five on that lot.

I promised the judge I would never use a hammer again.

Fair enough. £30 the maiden bid. Are we done?

£30 the maiden bid.

One more.

Sh!

Done at 30... GAVEL BANGS

£10 profit.

Well done, chaps.

Grudgingly, but, yes.

He's the king of the swingers.

Thanks in part to Bernard's showmanship,

they're building a solid advantage.

Where does a 20-stone gorilla sleep?

Don't know, where?

BOTH: Anywhere he likes.

The old ones - hah! - are the best, boys.

Now it's Bernard and Charles' Edwardian mahogany chair.

Start me at 50 for this one.

Lovely side chair for your bedroom.

-£50 for it.

-Beautiful chair.

-Super chair.

-Oh...

-£20, it's no money. Get it started.

Thank you, sir. Five again.

25. 30. Five again.

£40. Five again.

-WILL:

-It's only got three legs, Charles.

Standing there - I'll take five on this lot.

-That's cheap.

-Any bids for the internet?

-Your bid, sir, at 40.

-That's a shame.

-Final time, fair warning... WILL:

-Bang that hammer.

Done at 40... GAVEL BANGS

-Oh, no!

-Upset him...

-Sorry.

-It's all right.

£40. It's their first loss, Barry. First loss.

-That chair threatens to unseat them.

-HE CHUCKLES

One for Barry and Will, now.

Their Mr Pickwick teapot.

But will it be the crowd's pick?

£20 for the Lingard. I'm tempted myself.

-Novelty teapot.

-Are we tempted, guys?

Bid me £10 for it. £10 is bid.

15 on this one.

£10 only.

That's cheap, Barry.

15 on that? 15, thank you, sir.

20, new buyer.

Five again, sir.

£25. We're not asking the earth, are we? £20 the bid there.

Mr Cryer chose this.

£25, sir?

-Thank you very much.

-Oh, yes, well done, sir.

Who was that?

20, 30. Five again, sir?

It's only money.

£30 the bid. I'll take five again.

Are we done?

-Are you sure?

-Absolutely.

£30, final time. Done at 30...

GAVEL BANGS

Wow.

May I say thank you?

He's a little teapot,

and he's put Barry and Will firmly back in the game.

Good pick, Barry.

Are we pleased with that?

Pleased? That's the world record price for a Mr Pickwick teapot.

It's French faience candlesticks now for Baz and Will.

£20, get them started. Who's going to bid on these?

Was that a bid, sir? I'll take 20 on these.

-Surely!

-French faience candlesticks, a pair of them in a lot?!

-What?!

-£20 only.

-Well done.

-Shut up, you!

I'll take five on this one.

I have a maiden bid. 25.

30.

£30, sir?

Don't lose them for a fiver.

£25 the gentleman there. Take 30 on them.

£25.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

I think I'd better just leave it to you, Barry.

25...

That was the excitement.

-GAVEL BANGS

-Oh, I felt that. Through the heart!

Oh, quel dommage.

Next up, it's the job lot of jug and Art Nouveau mirror

for Bernard and Charles.

And it comes with an Art Nouveau style mirror as well.

Bid me £50 for it.

Super. The large ewer, the vase, there. Bid me £50, guys.

£20, get it started. Who's got a bid in it?

The German pottery. £20, thank you, madam.

-Five again. 25.

-Come on.

-30.

Are we done, guys? £30.

Last chance - any bids online?

Done at 30...

GAVEL BANGS

I think you might have wiped your mouth with that lot.

Exactly.

Another profit.

Lovely juggly.

HE CHUCKLES

But will the baguette box bag a profit for Barry and Will?

20. Who's going to bid?

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Nobody like it?

-£20 only.

-Show me another one!

-Exactly.

-You ever heard of one before?

-Show me another one!

Maiden bid. Take five on that lot.

25. 30.

Thank you very much. Five again, sir. BARRY: Oh, dear.

-35. 40.

-Go on!

£35 at the back, there.

Take 40 on it.

The baguette box, final time, I'm selling.

35...

GAVEL BANGS

Thank you, sir. Well done.

Well done. 35...

Who bought it?

Well done, sir.

Saved from disaster.

The auctioneer thought it shone, but will the crowd take a shine?

It's the deckchair.

£25 was a bargain.

It was.

We had to work hard for it.

Barry was giving kisses away like there was no tomorrow.

What?

And it also comes rather handily

with a beside-the-seaside postcard

signed and inscribed by Mr Barry Cryer.

Oh, does it, now?!

That was sneaky.

The heavyweight champion of the world!

I like it. I think it's a fun object, I really like it.

-£50, get it started.

-Surely!

Take it home. This is the evening to enjoy it.

£20, it's cheap.

Bid, five again.

£20. Five, 30.

Five again.

35. 40. Five again.

£50 for it.

£45 only?

Well done, you've done it.

£60, sir.

-The postcard's worth that.

-Yes.

£55 only?

Take 60 on that lot.

-60, five again.

-Oh!

Back of the room. £70, sir?

It's no money at 65 at the back.

I'll 70 from you, gentleman bid.

Squeezing every penny out of them, he's earning his commission.

I'll take five - with the postcard signed by Mr Cryer.

He's doing well for us here, Barry.

£70, I have a bid on my left.

-I'll take five on it.

-Good bid.

It's only £5, sir.

-It's your last chance.

-Come on!

What a warm day. I can see you reclining with your Pimm's.

£70 only. It's your last chance, I'm going to sell it.

-Are we done at 70?

-He's done us proud.

You'll regret this for the rest of your life.