Brian Cox and Philip Jackson Celebrity Antiques Road Trip

The nation's favourite celebrities...

-We are special, then, are we?

-Oh, that's excellent!

..paired up with an expert...

We're a very good team, you and me.

..and a classic car.

Their mission?

To scour Britain for antiques.

-I've no idea what it is.

-Oh, I love it!

The aim?

-To make the biggest profit at auction.

-Yes!

-But it's no easy ride.

-ALL GASP

There's no accounting for taste!

Who will find a hidden gem?

Who will take the biggest risks?

Will anybody follow expert advice?

-Do you like them?

-No.

There will be worthy winners and valiant losers.

-Are you happy?

-Yes, ecstatic!

Are you sure?

Time to put your pedal to the metal -

this is Celebrity Antiques Road Trip.

Yeah!

We're on the "sarth" coast,

for a road trip graced by celebrity heavyweights.

Is that an E-type?

Is that an E-type Jaguar? This is fantastic!

Impressed by this rather lovely E-type Jag

are two stage and screen veterans...

Not so nimble!

I'm in!

..celebrated actor Philip Jackson,

and his friend Brian Cox,

who is one of our country's most illustrious movie stars.

You see, it's very interesting - you like driving, don't you?

-I love it.

-See, I like being driven.

-Well, you are being driven!

-I know.

This is the perfect arrangement.

Hollywood big hitter Brian Cox has shared a screen

with Matt Damon in the Bourne films,

and with everybody who's anybody in X-Men 2.

Not to mention a chilling turn as Hannibal Lecter

in the cult film Manhunter,

and a distinguished Shakespearean career to boot.

Brian and Philip have been friends for 30 years,

since appearing in the play Rat In The Skull together.

I thought, when I saw the title of the programme,

and it said Celebrity Antiques Road Trip, I thought,

-"I'm the celebrity antique."

-Oh, you thought that...

I see, you thought...

You thought it was the celebrity that was...

Well, in our case that's true!

We're the celebrity antiques.

BRIAN LAUGHS HEARTILY

Lordy...!

So, how will they deal with the task in hand?

No, but you know a bit about this sort of thing, don't you?

You know, I just picked it up over the years.

I had an ex-mother-in-law who was into furniture,

and, of course, I like paintings.

That's my thing. I like paintings.

To be honest, I don't know very much. I'm not very good.

You've got very good taste.

Well, I mean, I don't really know about them.

-You've bought antiques?

-Not knowingly.

-"Not knowingly"...!

But Philip Jackson really does know his stuff when it comes to acting.

Amongst a multitude of films, stage and TV roles,

he's been a snappy dresser as Hugo in Robin of Sherwood,

but he's probably best known as Detective Chief Inspector Japp,

the copper who's always one step behind Hercules Poirot,

which may affect his ability to find antique bargains, of course.

Mais oui!

So, a bit of detective work.

Well, I'm used to that.

Yes, you are used to that,

having worked with the great David Suchet.

Yes. Mm-hm.

-I'll bet he knows about antiques.

-Oh, he'll know.

THEY MIMIC POIROT: 'E will know a lot about antiques.

Especially the Belgian antique.

Listen, we are not going to do an impersonation.

No!

THEY LAUGH

-FRENCH ACCENT:

-And you won't 'ave Poirot on 'and to 'elp.

But you do get £400 each to spend, and two first-rate experts.

Lordy-lordy!

So with that roof, they are struggling with fickle weather.

Paul Laidlaw is an auctioneer with a special interest in militaria,

and Philip Serrell has been an auctioneer since, well,

as he puts it, the year dot.

They're driving a rather racy 1975 Python kit car.

But Paul's more impressed by the celebrities.

-Brian Cox!

-Really?

-A legend, man!

He's your hero?

He's a legend!

-Shall I tell you something?

-Go on.

I've heard that you're his hero.

Fame at last, eh, Paul?

On this road trip the teams are starting in Southsea,

heading east along the coast of Hampshire

and hopping over to West Sussex

before doubling back to an auction in Swanmore.

Southsea is Portsmouth's very own seaside resort.

Predictably, it has a pier and a lot of nautical comings and goings.

Somewhat less predictably, it was once home

to a 53ft-tall sculpture of a dinosaur

which sadly went up in flames.

Let's hope our teams don't follow suit. Here they come.

-Who have we got here?

-Paul Laidlaw.

-I'm Philip.

-Philip? Philip! You're Philip?

-Another Philip? Paul.

-Hi, Paul. Very pleased to meet you.

-We need to work out who works with who, don't we?

-Yeah.

And you have got a plan, haven't you?

Well, it's not so much a plan.

I'm going to say Brian Cox is somewhat of a screen idol of mine.

In a good way! I'm not stalking you, or anything.

Hang on, it's cos you're both Scottish.

-There is that, as well!

-Yeah.

It's settled, then.

Brian and Paul will be Team Screen Idol,

while Philip and Phil will be, well...

Team Phil.

Paul can't wait to chat with his idol.

So, have you always acted?

Since I...

Yeah, I started when I was about 15.

I went to, erm...

I started in my local rep.

I got a job at the local rep in Dundee.

My first day, when I went up for my interview,

there was a fight going on on the stairs

between an actor called Nicholl Blooms...

And they were both drunk at ten o'clock in the morning.

PAUL LAUGHS

And I thought, "So, this is the deal."

Curtains up for Brian and Paul

and it's not too far from the sea front,

at Langford Antiques.

And the sun's come out. It is all picking up for us, Brian, I hope.

It looks all right.

Nothing but the best for your £400, Paul.

Good morning.

I'm Paul. My friend Brian.

Pat presides over furniture, jewellery, china and more.

We'll have a little browse, shall we? Thanks very much.

-Thank you.

-See you in a mo.

-See you in a while.

-Brian?

-Yeah?

Is this an environment you're familiar with?

Or is it uncharted territory?

Well, when I used to be

a...a...a wee laddie,

I would go for props.

Just coming in here suddenly reminded me it was what I used to do.

And from there I am going to say -

what's going to appeal to you?

-I, I, I just get a feel.

-Yeah.

I'm eclectic, you know.

I collect a lot of Indian stuff.

Ganeshes, and Buddhas, and stuff like that.

Ah, superb. Yeah.

But I'm very open. I really am quite open about stuff.

So, Brian's up for the challenge.

And, in fact, is straight into it.

-Paul?

-Hello.

I've found something here which I rather like.

-Is the caning good?

-Erm...

Yeah, but...but that works for me. That's passable.

There's your mark. Can you see that in there?

What does that say?

Here?

Yeah.

Is that...("Thonet"?)

-WHISPERS:

-I'd be happier if I could read this.

If it's Thonet, it's something to hang high expectations on.

T-H-O-N-E-T.

-Well, that's what that says.

-Does it?

-Yeah.

Michael Thonet was a German craftsman

who devised new methods of steaming and bending wood

to create simple, elegant furniture.

Steamed ash and willow, makes it supple, moulded into the forms...

These are such beautiful lines.

-This is object to look at.

-Ahh...!

A man who knows what he likes.

I think that's all right!

Yeah? I could live with that.

I love bentwood furniture.

Where's the price on it?

£34.

-WHISPERS:

-We'd get value in there.

Even on a bad day, it's got to be worth £20 to £30.

-Go for it?

-Yeah.

Let's have a look.

£34. Well, really, it has to be a straight 30.

25?

Oh, that's pushing it.

-Go on, 25.

-No, 28.

-26?

-He's not bad at haggling!

I'm Scottish!

THEY LAUGH

27, then. I'll get back to you for that.

-What you think - 27?

-It's £7 more than I would have paid!

But I'm harder than Brian, clearly.

It's a nice bentwood chair.

I hate this odd number. 26, and I totally back my compadre.

-All right, 26.

-Pat, you're brilliant.

-Thanks, Pat.

Magic.

So, Brian has successfully spotted and bagged

his first lot of the trip for just £26.

Not far away, Phil's wondering how Philip got into acting.

I did a couple of plays in the church youth club, and at school.

I knew I quite liked it.

So I went to university and did drama at university,

thinking I could be in that world.

To avoid getting a proper job, like you did in the '60s.

And I did a lot of acting when I was there,

so then I went on to sort of "I'm going to have a go at this."

And I did.

You couldn't do drama on its own in universities in those days.

-So I had to do German as well.

-Blimey.

Impressive, Philip.

Now, how about getting your antiques education under way?

Where are we?

We're off over yonder.

-OK.

-Off over yonder.

-There's a theatre there!

Well, I'm all for a bit of drama,

but, actually, your first port of call is Parmiter's Antiques.

Blimey!

This is such a cool shop, isn't it?

It's amazing.

Cor...!

Aladdin's Cave kind of thing, isn't it?

And no oil lamps all genies in sight,

but your wish is owner Ian's command, anyway.

Guitars.

-I quite like to look at guitars.

-Are you a guitar man?

Well, a bit.

Ah, another one who knows what he likes.

-How much is that one, Ian?

-That one is £250.

-Is it?!

-Yeah.

What about that one, there?

That's quite a nice one. That's a Kay.

I don't know why I'm putting my specs on.

I don't have to sing to this, do I?

No, thank goodness.

OUT-OF-TUNE NOTES

PHILIP TUNES GUITAR

Get that man a record deal, eh?

I'll knock a bit off for you tuning it up, and that's about it.

He's good, isn't he? He is good!

I'll get a guitar down in a minute.

Phil's been scanning the shop.

How much are your fairground boards?

300.

Is that a hand-painted vase of some sort?

Philip's kept his eyes open, too.

I just like the fact that it's hand-painted, that's all.

-How much is that?

-A tenner.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-See, I've obviously got no taste whatsoever.

Yep! There's no accounting for taste!

-So, anything could happen at auction.

-Nice jug.

Ah!

Is that, like, before they had running water -

you put water in it when you went to bed and washed, and all that?

-Is that Ronnie Corbett?

-PHILIP LAUGHS

Could well be.

Er...I mean, it's a bit damaged. It's got a lot of cracks.

-That's a lot of damage, that is.

-Look...

-Oh, yeah.

There are three golden rules in this business,

and that is, if it's damaged, don't buy it. That's the first one.

-Yeah.

-The second one is -

-if it's damaged, don't buy it.

-Yeah.

And then - you getting the hang of this? The third one is...

If it's damaged, don't buy it.

Learn from the master, Philip.

-But...that's a lovely shape.

-It is.

And it's all down to price, isn't it?

Asking price, £50.

At auction, that's going to make around £20-£40.

So, you need, really...

It's got to come around the bottom sort of estimate.

It's got to NOT be 50 quid.

-It's got to be around 20, 25 quid, really.

-Yeah.

Do you like that?

I do. But I'm a bit disappointed that it is cracked, you know?

I like it in itself.

What about that?

Ah! The Sensational Flying Comets.

I always liked them.

Yes.

"Television's crazy Comets..."

Did they have television in 1951?

Ahem...! Before my time! Try Phil.

You're asking me like I was around then.

PHILIP LAUGHS

I tell you what I'll do.

For 25 quid - the jug, and I'll throw this in.

It's definitely...

OK, that might be our first item, mightn't it?

We won't commit yet. We haven't had a look.

-But that might be a first item.

-It might well be.

The vase is one to think about,

even though Ian's reduced the damaged jug

and thrown in the poster free.

Team Phil is playing hard to get.

Brian and Paul, on the other hand,

are proving hard to get out of the shop,

and are still at Langford's Antiques.

Once again, Brian's homed in on something.

Baby rocker, or a bath?

Well, I think it's Dutch.

And it's quite early.

And as far as I can tell,

it's a baby carriage.

-Yeah.

-I suspect the casters are the giveaway here.

You see, it's solid wooden wheels.

Is that...I'm going to use the word...

inexpensive?

I think it was about 125.

My bet is there is no price on that, at all.

Can we haggle? Is there, like, a starting point?

If it's unpriced, I will go...85 on it.

-We suffer auction charges.

-Yeah.

So if it makes £100, we get £82 in our hand.

So it has got to make 100 to break even

from our point of view. Is it going to do that?

-Don't think so.

-Don't think so. Talked ourselves out of that one!

Yeah. Well done. We're a very good team, you and I.

Well, yes...!

But you've only bought one lot on your first shop.

The £26 bentwood chair.

It's time to move on, or maybe not.

Was that...? Whoa, whoa, whoa...

That is a pair of rococo... That's the aesthetic.

..brass and iron andirons, or firedogs.

-Yeah.

-Ornamentation, really.

Can we have a quick look at them?

Oh, yeah. God, they're in amazing condition. Look at this.

Nice patina.

They're crying out 18th century.

-Yeah.

-However, they're probably 20th-century reproductions,

because this aesthetic is never going to hit the fashion.

But they're stout substance and quality.

Two of them, and they are...£58.

Now, what are they worth at auction?

Pat, what can the andirons be?

The best on those would be 40.

And that's it - £40?

That's it. Absolutely. Yes.

Just... Just before we go, then.

-If we bought those, and the little baby chariot...

-Yeah.

It's - what - 80 and 40...120.

120... 115, and that's it.

But we need to consider it.

Yeah. Ca...Ca...

Will you give us an option on those until close of play today?

-Can you do that for us?

-Yes, that's fine.

While Brian and Paul agree on a strategy for the firedogs

and the baby chair on wheels,

Team Phil is meandering through Ian's stock.

Honestly, for an optician, what a great prop!

That's a nice guitar over there.

-Top 20. Same one as Robert Smith in the Cure used.

-This one?

-Yeah.

Philip seems more interested in making music than profits.

Phil has been keeping a close eye on his apprentice.

I think he's got a good eye.

And I also think he's keen to look at things that he chooses.

So it's really nice for me that he wants to go and buy a guitar

and he wants to look at that hand-painted vase.

So that's great.

Phil has also spotted what could be a handy little investment.

In a previous life, these articulated hands priced at £20

might have been used for modelling gloves,

or for artists to practise painting.

With lots to choose from and decisions to make,

Phil puts a chest of drawers in the mix, too.

Ian, what's the price on those drawers?

The drawers? £100.

The word is vintage, or retro.

I think retro. That's the word I'm familiar with.

Trust me, you and I are vintage and retro.

-Right.

-Because that's the age of it.

-OK.

-And this, now...

-I thought that was "antiquities".

-No. Thank you very much(!)

Cheeky whippersnapper.

Do you like that, or not?

-Yeah.

-You do?

-No, I do, actually.

-I see where you're coming from.

-Right.

I'm being guided by your superior knowledge.

What did you say?!

You can't use language like that on this programme!

-Are you suggesting the hands go with it?

-I just do love those!

I'm having a mad moment - I'm saying call it a tenner for those...

30 and 80.

-120 for...

-120 quid.

Shall we snatch his hand off?

Which one?

So, with the hands reduced from £20 to 10,

the jug, poster and vase now on offer in a job lot at £30,

and the vintage drawers down from 100 to £80,

Team Phil shakes on the deal.

Thank you very much!

-I think we've done very well there.

-I think the boy done well.

Meanwhile, Brian and Paul have made the short trip into the heart

of Portsmouth with hopes pinned on the Antiques Storehouse there.

Military man Paul ought to love this.

There are plenty of things for Brian to admire too,

but with profits a priority, there's one snag.

I feel spoilt for choice on range

but we've nowhere to go on price.

No, the thing is that everything is wonderful here but it is that,

when you compare it to everything previously, it is that little more.

Hazard a guess at what the andirons

or the little baby carriage would be priced at in a showroom here...

-Exactly...

-With hindsight, I think the value was there.

-Yeah, exactly.

Pat's baby chair on wheels was originally £85

and the firedogs were 58.

Suddenly her offer of £115 for both is starting to look very attractive.

So outside, in sight of HMS Warrior,

Brian and Paul put their hopes in a deal with Pat.

-Pat?

-'Yes.'

-Three words for you.

You've got a deal. That's four words!

-It's a deal.

-"You've got a deal". Four words. He can't count.

-That's why we're doing so well.

-We're doomed on that basis.

Thanks very much for that, absolutely great seeing you.

-Bye-bye, Pat.

-'Thank you. Bye-bye.'

-Bye.

Brian...

Want a job?

-Oh, what a day.

-And we've got to do it again.

You do this all the time. It's exhausting.

You're not even half done yet, Brian.

Phil and Philip are showing much more stamina

and are back on the road.

Who did you admire in the business? Who did you think was a great actor?

Well, I always used to like Nicol Williamson.

He was a theatre actor, worked the Royal Court a lot.

I saw him play Hamlet and Marianne Faithfull was Ophelia.

-Extraordinary.

-When would that have been? 1960s?

-Early '70s.

-Post Jagger?

-No, I think Jagger was still around

because a friend of mine went to see somebody he knew

who was in that show, it was at the Roundhouse,

and he walked down a corridor.

And visiting actors on that particular evening

were Mick Jagger and Jane Fonda.

-And he thought...

-That's pretty cool.

-"I'm in pretty good company."

The two Phils are driving in a big loop around Portsmouth Harbour

to Lee-on-the-Solent

to learn about the celebrated inventor of the hovercraft.

Actually, a hovercraft might have saved them an awful lot of time.

It's a lot less bother with a hover.

Oh, no, that's a lawn mower, isn't it? No, got that wrong.

Pay attention, Phil!

-There it is.

-A big old thing, isn't it?

-That's it.

-I went in one of them. Did you go in one?

-No.

The Hovercraft Museum is a tribute

to British inventor Sir Christopher Cockerell.

His genius helped develop wave power and radar technology,

but he is best known as the inventor of the hovercraft.

His legacy includes everything,

from snazzy little numbers to Princess Anne and Princess Margaret,

that plied the cross-channel routes for 30 years until 2000.

One of the museum's founding trustees is Warwick Jacobs.

-Good to see you.

-Pleasure. Welcome to the Hovercraft Museum.

-Hi, Warwick.

-Hello, Philip. Nice to see you as well.

-Like an echo.

-Have you been on a hovercraft before?

-Yes.

I went across the Channel a few times. It was quite noisy.

It went like that!

Still the same, yes, still the same.

Come and see some of the others. We've got plenty more here.

-Come on through.

-Thank you.

What made him go into this, what was the idea, what prompted it?

During the war, he was an inventor by nature

and he was leading the team that invented radar during World War II.

He was thinking, well, all these poor souls landing at D-Day

and they need to get on the beach,

so he thought, how do you make a boat amphibious?

And that sowed a seed, so after the war,

he retired, bought a boat yard

and thought, "Right, I'll make boats go faster and drive up the beach."

It all started in the 1950s

with a coffee tin, a Kit Kat tin

and an industrial air blower, and of course his wife's scales,

so all these were put together to prove the concept

-and that's how it jumped from an idea to a reality.

-It's incredible.

With the coffee tin and another tin inside it,

Sir Christopher had found a way to create a ring of high pressure

that helped lift the object in the middle

more efficiently than ever before.

The result was stunning.

'In the summer of 1959, Britain's first hovercraft,

'the experimental SRN1, was launched.'

Was he viewed as a man from La La Land at first?

He was definitely an eccentric,

but he invented 89 things, one for every year of his life, so...

-This was taken seriously from day one?

-It was, yes.

And it was put on the Secrets List, so both the Army, the Navy

and the Air Force all wanted it kept on the Secrets List,

much to Cockerell's discontent because he wanted it used and built,

but it was definitely taken seriously

because it was a new form of transport.

'Coastal defence, counterinsurgency, logistics support,

'tactical assault, crash rescue, river patrol, casualty evacuation

'and aid to civil authorities - these are just some of the tasks

'for which the SRN6 can and is being used in many parts of the world.'

Whatever the use, the same principles of physics applied

and could be scaled down to the most basic level.

This is just from an industrial Hoover from the '60s.

Instead of sucking it's blowing, and it's blowing underneath a pallet.

Very hard to move that at all,

but once you put the air into it,

I'll be able to move you on a cushion of air.

AIR BLOWS

See? Look at that!

If only it could hoover at the same time!

So I could go off, well...

-Go off to France now.

-Is this the same as lawn mowers?

Yeah. Hover mower was the great spin-off from hovercraft.

Mowers are probably the most common legacy

of Sir Christopher Cockerell's research, but he also got his wish

to see hovercraft used for transport all over the world,

from geophysical surveying in rough terrain

to the cross-channel services, and even pleasure trips.

Sir Christopher was knighted in 1969 and died in 1999,

but he'd never grown rich, and felt the hovercraft was one of many

British inventions whose commercial potential wasn't fully exploited.

Philip's getting a chance

to end his day experiencing Sir Christopher's genius.

This little beauty is the world's first light production hovercraft,

and back in 1969, it would have set you back four grand,

about the same as a house.

# Come fly with me, let's fly Let's fly away... #

While Philip rides high, Phil is having to use his imagination.

# Pack up, let's fly away! #

And doing rather well.

Night-night.

It's a new day, and our glorious celebrities are back on the road.

-So, Philip...

-Yes.

-How did you do yesterday?

-Well, we did very well.

-I think we're winners.

-Oh, really?

-Yeah, I think so.

-Fighting talk.

So how about you with Paul?

Paul is an absolute delight. We are very sympatique.

-Good.

-I think it helps that we're both Scots.

-Scottish, yeah.

Do you think there is something essentially Scottish

about the way you're both approaching this?

-I think it was quintessentially Scottish, actually!

-Right.

I didn't realise that I was much cannier than I ever thought.

I always thought I was not very canny.

I've always thought of you as being very canny, Brian. Always.

And after yesterday's performance, I concur.

THEY LAUGH

Meanwhile, Paul is fishing for information on Philip.

Does he do the antiques thing?

Was this a culture shock to him or is this something he does?

-I think it took him a nanosecond to get into it...

-Right.

And he loves it, I think.

-But uncharted territory?

-Either that or he's a very good actor.

Yesterday, Phil and his talented protege Philip hoped

they'd hit the right note with a vase, a theatre poster and a jug.

Is that Ronnie Corbett?

Complemented by a vintage chest of drawers and a handy third lot.

That set them back £120, so they have £280 for today's treasures.

I think the boy done well.

Brian proved adept at spotting what he liked and going for it,

amassing a bentwood chair...

-25?

-Oh, that's pushing it.

-..and...

-What is that?

-..with a little help from Paul...

-You've got a deal.

-..added a baby carriage

and a set of firedogs for a total of £141.

It leaves them with £259 to spend today,

and a determination to battle and defeat Team Phil.

I know exactly what I'm looking for.

What, you know that you want a certain type of thing, or...?

-Yeah.

-Like a painting or something.

Something like that, yeah. I'm not going to tell you what it is.

I wasn't trying to get you to tell me what it was. So it's a painting.

It's not a painting! It's not a painting.

Mysterious. Maybe one for Poirot.

The teams have left Portsmouth Harbour behind

and are making their way along the coast to rendezvous at Emsworth,

on the shore of Chichester Harbour.

Although PG Wodehouse once lived here,

these days it's best known as a spot for sailing types.

Just the place for our teams to cruise through their second day.

So, gentlemen.

- Good to see you. - Nice to see you.

-Good to see you, Brian.

-Philip, how are you?

-Looking forward to our...?

-Hell, yeah.

-An easier ride than yesterday's.

-Absolutely.

-All I can say is...

-A little profit here, a little there.

-Good luck.

Any sincerity in that, Philip?

None at all. Absolutely none!

Good luck, fellas. See you later.

Philip's taken the wheel of the E-type again,

but for now, Brian and Paul prefer shanks's pony.

Day two's shopping begins after the short walk to Emsworth Antiques,

where Hilary is on hand to help.

-Hello.

-Hello. Shall we browse?

Hiram Codd's patent.

It's got the stopper in it.

How old are these tools?

Brian is a man on a mission,

and between them there's no stone left unturned.

-I think I found another little belter.

-OK.

But this time it's Paul leading the charge.

It's a map. But that's not paper, is it?

-During the war, the British had the bright idea...

-Uh-huh.

If we printed a map on silk,

it would be water resistant,

it can be scrunched up, it can be concealed

and why would that be useful, or who would that be useful to?

Johnny RAF pilot bails out over Germany or...

In this case, it would be Borneo,

-so it would be through the Japanese camp.

-Yeah.

-So this thing must be over 70 years old.

-This is pre-1946.

My God. Older than me!

It's a rather beautiful piece as well.

Ask me what they're worth.

-What are they worth?

-£1,000 a piece.

Just kidding.

The desirable ones are Northwest European or North African,

so if you get me Belgium and Netherlands,

-that's worth about £90 or £100 at the moment.

-Wow.

Sumatra, Java, worth about £45.

At auction, it should make £30 or £40.

-It's actually rather beautiful, I rather like it.

-You like, yeah?

-Keep that in your hands, for fear someone else grabs it.

-OK.

And let's cover the uncharted parts of this shop.

-We might find another little belter.

-OK.

Paul's impressed his screen idol with the map,

which is priced at £30.

And he goes for broke with another suggestion.

What have you found?

-What do you make of that?

-It's a pipe of some kind.

-Yeah.

The people that made this, there's a name to conjure with - Zulu.

-Zulu?

-South African pipe, native South African pipe.

So probably from the Zulu campaign or Zulu war.

Highly likely. It'll be a bring-back souvenir from that period.

But it's in incredible condition.

-Do you like it? I mean, I think it's such a tactile object.

-Yeah.

And the whole ethnic thing is a hot market.

That's not the rarest object, because most Zulu men would smoke.

There's been Zulus walking this planet for centuries.

Which reminds me, I was filming, I was doing a thing about tobacco,

and we were filming just on the South Bank, opposite the Globe Theatre,

and just there are all these clay pipes.

I mean, there's literally thousands and thousands of clay pipes,

and I picked up one of them,

and then we had a clay pipe expert that came in and she looked at it,

-it was in pretty bad shape, and she said, "That's 1592."

-What?

-Yeah. We couldn't believe it.

-Amazing.

-Yeah, but it's there.

You go down there and you'll see them, they're all there,

-they're all on the shoreline.

-So the last guy that handled that

might have been off to watch Shakespeare's latest...

Exactly, exactly. That's the point.

So the last guy that handled this might have been...

-Or the guy he took this off might have been a Zulu warrior.

-Absolutely.

Isn't that part of the pleasure of shopping in these environments?

We are transported by this simple object to history.

-Do you like?

-I love.

I think we should take it, I think we should buy it.

Brian's on board again. This is true teamwork.

There's the price tag.

All right, yes, well, that's a very good reason to buy it.

We're not going to get rich on this.

On a good day, it could make £20-40, but, look, at a fiver,

-we would be robbed if we lost money on it.

-You're such a Scot.

He's such a Scot. I tell you.

-Hilary? Hello.

-Another Scot?

-Another Scot, yes.

We Scots have just been discussing this, and we love it,

-and I think we want to buy it.

-That and the map?

Oh, and this, yes, I forgot about this!

That old chestnut!

So, Hilary, look, fantastic price on the pipe, that's tremendous.

What can the map be? Can the map be reasonable?

Well, you have a competition to run, so although it was £30,

we can do it for 12.

I don't think we haggle on that.

-That's fantastic.

-I'm not going to haggle on that at all.

And there is an interesting thing - a lot of people assume

they were RAF maps, but the RAF weren't out in Borneo and Java,

so it's a Fleet Air Arm.

-Fantastic, isn't it?

-So it's even more unusual.

-Wow.

So that's you told, Paul.

The Fleet Air Arm is, of course, the flying wing of the Royal Navy.

It's an incredibly good dropped price. Would everybody be like that?

No, I have to say, there are two sorts of dealers.

-There are sticklers and there are tarts.

-Oh.

The sticklers want to hold out for their top price

and the tarts are prepared to make the drops in order to make the sale.

And what's the ratio of stickler to tart?

Very few sticklers, lots of tarts!

I'm not calling anyone a tart. Let's credit teamwork

with securing the map and pipe for a grand total of £17.

Meanwhile, true to form, Phil is going off-piste for day two,

taking a hapless Philip with him.

Nautical booty is the new objective,

geared to the auction at Swanmore, close to the coast of Hampshire.

Outside Harbour Chandlers in Emsworth,

Phil is already on the lookout.

Lookout.

John is here to assist.

A chandler, was it originally somebody who had to do with candles?

Exactly correct, yes, it was.

-How does that become a marine person, then?

-See?

-That was good.

-Good knowledge.

-I don't know

but that is definitely the derivation of the chandler, yes.

-When we came in, you had a couple of oars.

-Oh, yes.

-Are they for sale?

They're mainly for decoration but you're very welcome to have a look.

-Can we have a look?

-Of course you may, yes.

See, I think they would be ideal.

-Really?

-Well, I think they would be ideal for our purpose

-in that someone could use them.

-They are practical, absolutely.

And if you had a holiday home by the sea, they'd decorate a wall,

wouldn't they? Or there is a real big demand for people who decorate pubs.

-Somebody could use them as a weapon. Have you thought of that?

-Yeah.

You could batter someone with them.

What about the life buoy toilet seat?

Could you use that? Brilliant.

I think in desperation you could use it but I wouldn't suggest it.

-It'd be better than nothing, wouldn't it?

-Exactly, yes.

So are these redundant, people don't use these any more?

They still do but those are an old pair we had lying around,

so they are decorative from our point of view.

-So they're cheap.

-Yeah!

Nice try, Phil.

-I really like this.

-Do you?

-Yeah.

These are going to make £15-£30 at auction, aren't they?

20-30 quid, 20-40 quid,

which means we've got to try and buy them for five or ten quid off you.

The whole lot?

You can see the pained look on his face.

-That's sort of what I was thinking, yeah.

-Yeah.

-Um...

I guess we could do the whole lot for £10.

-I think it's a deal.

-Ooh!

Who's the expert, then?

-Very fine man.

-Am I doing the wrong thing?

-Yeah, yeah.

-I've done it wrong, have I?

You want to try and just, you know...

Absolutely right. Is ten the best?

-Most definitely the best I can do on that one.

-I think it's right.

-He's done us proud, actually.

-I think it's good.

You see? Young Philip may be a beginner, but he's good.

Brian and Paul are nearing the end of their shopping day

and have up to £242 left to spend

at Chalcrafts Antiques in Emsworth.

Look!

Gosh. Brian's spotted another thing he really likes.

-Brooke Bond Tea, and it looks in amazing condition.

-What's Maiden?

No idea. Do you like? I don't know who that one is.

I don't know, but I love it, I love it. I love Maiden.

Well, chaps, Maiden was an outdoor advertising firm.

This sign probably came from the foot of one of its hoardings.

With time short, the signs are looking good for Brian.

-We've done it.

-We have a price here.

-Oh, sorry, hello.

-Hello there.

-How are you? Brian Cox.

-Hello, Brian.

-This is...

-Paul Laidlaw, how you doing? You are...?

-Martin.

-Hi, Martin.

-Good to see you.

-There's another one.

-Look at that, yes, fantastic.

-It's a great icon, that, isn't it?

-That's beautiful.

-That is nice.

We're looking for maybe 65.

OK, what would be as good as you could go on the Maiden sign

and then on the Brooke Bond?

The Brooke Bond has got 95.

-Ouch.

-65?

If you're having the two, I could do that one for 40.

OK, what if we did the three?

Brian's being canny again.

That one as well.

I need probably 50 on that one.

No, no, no. For the three I'm standing at 100, that's where I am.

A shade over the one.

I will shake your hand at 120.

Um... How do you...

You want to buy these, don't you?

I want to buy them, I do want to buy them, and I actually...

115?

Yeah, I would do them, reluctantly, I would do them on that. 115.

-Well done, that man!

-Martin, thank you.

-You're welcome.

Cheers, Martin, thanks very much.

The celebrity has spoken, and he's got a deal too.

With three enamel signs in the bag for £115,

Brian's shopping is all done.

Phil and Philip are still in nautical mode

and have come across a boat yard in Emsworth,

where at least one of the team's into siestas.

-Nice dog.

-Hello, mate, how are you?

-Hello.

-How much are you?

-Hello.

-How you doing, all right?

-I'm Phil.

-I'm Phil.

-Both Phil?

-We're both Phil.

-Hello, Phil. I'm Nick.

-Good to see you.

Hi, Nick, how's it going?

We wondered if you've got any

maritime nautical... He said, looking at boats.

..nautical-type stuff that we might be interested to have as, um...

-..decorative items rather than strictly...

-To buy?

To buy, we've got to make a profit, haven't we?

That's what we want to do. We want to make a profit at general auction.

So something that anyone would be interested in,

something for a boat or for a house or...

Well, we were sort of kind of thinking...

I don't know, I think we remain to be persuaded, don't we?

Yeah. Yeah, we do.

Phil is in his element going off-piste,

and his new sidekick seems happy enough following in his wake.

A nice four-inch bronze porthole.

-A porthole?

-A porthole.

-A porthole in a storm.

-And I think I've got more.

That one at auction would make probably between 15 and 30 quid.

-Yeah?

-I think you'd get more than that.

The issue is, in a general sale, in my opinion, that's 15 to 30 quid

unless we strike lucky.

Oh, dear. We're in choppy waters.

But Nick sees a potential sale and rustles up some more portholes.

Four portholes.

I would like 25 quid each for these,

which makes 50, which makes 100 quid.

-No, we're not going to go anywhere near you.

-No?

-No.

Give me your best.

-40.

-The lot?

You could have those four for 50 quid.

-No.

-Because that's a bargain.

-45?

-40 quid, yeah.

-48.

-45.

-No, no, 45 quid, that's the end.

-48 quid.

-No, £45, that's the end of it.

Beautiful portholes, and it's got a new bolt.

-I'll wait and see how you get on.

-OK.

-So, the novice is now in charge.

-We have to stay on 45 for these.

-45.

I can't let them go for 45

because it would just be a crime,

to which I would never be able to hold my head high

in the nautical world again.

-All right.

-But 50 quid...

-All right, I have to say thank you.

-OK.

-Shaking means a deal, Philip.

-45?

-Good luck.

-Is there a deal?

-Cheers.

-Look, I'm confused.

-Cheerio.

-All the best.

-I'll tell you what.

-Yes.

-How about 45 quid and a ride in your Jag?

45 quid and a ride in the Jag?

-OK.

-Yeah, cool.

Well, it's not what they teach at antique dealer school,

but it's done the trick.

Four portholes for £45 and a ride in the Jag. How's that?

Brian and Paul have left Emsworth behind

and are heading 30 miles east, to Goring-by-Sea in West Sussex.

You're an artistic and creative man.

Does that exhibit itself in any other ways, Brian?

One of the things I am interested in is painting.

I love painting and I love watching paintings and collecting paintings.

-I have quite a collection of paintings.

-I see.

Brian and Paul's destination

is the English Martyrs' Church in Goring,

a rather unassuming prefab completed in 1970

with no obvious reason for a detour,

but there is an extraordinary reason.

They're about to find out, with the help of Anne Niven.

-Welcome to our church.

-Thank you.

-Well, who knows?

-Do come in.

And here we have our very own

reproduction of the Sistine Chapel ceiling.

Oh, my goodness!

CHORAL MUSIC

This was painted by one of our parishioners, Gary Bevans.

And he has never had an art lesson in his life.

By trade he is a sign writer

but he is a sign writer with a gift.

This is... I never knew...

-Did you know anything like this existed?!

-No idea!

-None at all!

Inspired by a visit to the real Sistine Chapel, in the Vatican City,

in 1987, Gary suggested reproducing the ceiling in Goring.

What was the reaction from

the parish and the priest

and the powers that be to this suggestion?

I think the priest was quite surprised

and he then had to go to see the bishop to get permission

and Bishop Cormac, who's now Cardinal Cormac,

did give permission, with one proviso -

that if he started, he had to finish.

I think they gave Michelangelo the same deal.

LAUGHTER

This is two-thirds the size of the original ceiling.

Of course, the Sistine Chapel's much taller and it's square.

I've been to the Sistine Chapel and the thing that surprised me

about the Sistine Chapel was how small it was.

But this is extraordinary!

As a young man, Gary had wanted to go art school

but his parents insisted he got a proper job.

He did but in addition he began copying famous

paintings for his church.

If you would like to come over here and take a closer

look at the two copies of the Holbeins,

which was Gary's starting point.

And you've got Thomas Moore and John Fisher.

It's funny, seeing the Thomas Moore and, erm, you know

the actor Kenneth Moore, well, he was a descendant of Thomas Moore.

Oh, gosh!

And he always had a copy of this in his dressing room.

So I remember this very well.

I used to go and he'd be there sipping his whisky in front

of the painting of his ancestor.

Local man Gary's next work was a distinctive new take

on a traditional theme.

This one over here is the Goring-by-Sea Last Supper.

It's a traditional layout but Gary felt quite sure that Mary,

the mother of Jesus, would have been there.

This is last night on earth, so of course she's going to be there.

What's particularly Goring-by-Sea, if you look at the apostle this side

of the table in the blue and gold,

peeping over his shoulder is Mick.

Mick is a Yorky and he was Father Ender's dog.

Father Ender had two Yorkies - Paddy...

And sadly Mick died, so Mick has been immortalised in our painting.

And this is an original piece by Gary, right?

-Yes, this is an original piece.

-I love it, I absolutely love it!

Don't you love it?

-It's great!

-I love it, I just love it!

The Last Supper is no mean accomplishment

but it pales beside Gary's masterpiece.

He worked evenings and weekends for five

and a half years to finish the ceiling.

He worked on a scaffolding tower.

It's thought that Michelangelo,

500 years previously, had laid down to paint the ceiling, but that,

we think, was wet plaster with oil paint - you can lie down to do that.

This is acrylic paint

and if you lie down to paint with acrylic paint it

goes into your eyes, ears, nose and mouth, it doesn't go on the ceiling.

So Gary had to stand and lean back and paint.

The muscles in his neck became quite huge.

I'm happy to say they've gone back to the right size

and he says he's never had a neck ache since.

So, here's your answer to neck ache!

Since completing the ceiling, Gary has become a deacon in his church

and he continues to paint but he prefers to stay off-camera,

allowing people to focus on his work, not him.

At the end of it all, Gary has said that he feels he held the brush.

-So this is a prayer, really.

-It is an act of worship.

It really is an act of worship!

It really is. Clearly, you get that feeling as soon as you look at it.

It's astonishing!

What an achievement, eh?!

Meanwhile, Philip's wrapped up in less spiritual concerns.

You think it's good for my image, driving a car like this?

-I think it's pretty cool, actually!

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Will people think I'm a capitalist pig?

No, I think you look like a cross between Roger Moore

and Tony Curtis.

So, Roger Curtis and Phil are making their way from Emsworth,

ten miles along the coast, to Birdham in West Sussex.

They've already acquired an eclectic mix of lots,

from wooden hands to oars,

and with £225 left to spend,

they're at Whitestone Farm Antiques.

It specialises in 18th, 19th and 20th century UK

and European antiques and collectables.

Although the staff seem a touch more exotic!

Sadly, Gladys is off...

but Joe is on duty.

Philip's proved a star student so far

-and is always keen to learn more.

-What happened to the Chinese...?

-Japanese.

-Japanese, sorry.

Sorry, I want to apologise to the

whole Chinese nation for that remark.

His antiques education still has some way to go.

Hang on...that doesn't go with that, does it?

Trying to trick me, there!

But at last the degree in German's paying off.

True to be true...

..is to be...

I'm none the wiser.

Einheitlich, means unified, to be strong.

War sein, einig sein, stark sein...!

-Sorry.

-Frightened me to death!

That's a lovely little cupboard, that one.

How much are these big glasses, those there?

I reckon you could get a good gin in that!

£80, the pair.

-Do you like those or not?

-I do quite like them, actually.

Well, let me bring them out here, then.

They may be gin glasses to fill but actually,

these are two late Victorian vases with foliate decoration,

not quite a matching pair.

-They are lovely, aren't they.

-Yeah, they're smashing pieces!

Don't say smashing around here.

-Erm, 40 be any good?

-Half-price, Phil, that's cheeky!

-You'd better win!

-We'll do it for you, Joe!

You're a good man, Joe. Thank you very much indeed!

£40, thank you.

Time to raise those very large glasses to the

conclusion of today's shopping, but will the teams be tasting

success or drowning their sorrows when they reveal all to each other?

So what will they make of each other's offerings?

-Izzy-wizzy, let's get busy!

-Hold on - it doesn't finish there!

Yeah, that table extends somewhat.

-What's that?

-£80.

That is a fantastic thing if you forgive it the top.

-Wonderful!

-Quite funky!

-30.

-It's a hand painted number which caught my eye.

-It's lovely.

-You like it?

-Yes!

-I do have taste!

-Of course you have taste!

Well, you've done fantastically well, Phil!

-I'm very proud of you.

-He sort of tagged along a bit.

Yeah, I'm very proud of you - I think you've done an amazing job!

These are beautiful items.

Less with the flattery and on with the business, please,

Brian and Paul.

-Come on!

-There you go.

This is an interesting item here, that's a Zulu pipe.

There's a big demand for those in Hampshire.

This is interesting, it looks like a map.

It's a World War II silk escape map.

Should do £30-40. It's not stratospheric

but it's an interesting thing!

I can't see whatever that is.

These are signs. People love these, they love them in their flats.

-So we bought these as a job lot of three.

-And how much were they?

£115. I think we've all done incredibly well.

I think so, and this time tomorrow we'll know the answer, won't we?

Absolutely!

Well, it's good notices all round but what are the critics

saying in private?

If you could wave a magic wand

and have their offering rather than ours...

-No!

-Good.

I think our stuff is very, very sought-after.

If that sign gets some attraction, that could be a headache.

I like their things very, very much but I think we're going to win!

No first-night nerves there, then!

-Too close to call!

-Yeah, very.

Good luck!

THEY CHUCKLE

It's auction day

and the teams are making their way just a little inland, to the

Hampshire village of Swanmore, where their fortunes,

or lack of them, rest on the bidders of Pumphouse Auctions.

This must be the place.

Destiny awaits!

-Yes.

-We are here.

You chaps have got a lot to worry about.

If I was in your situation, I'd be really worried!

We may have a problem.

No problem, auctioneer Dominic Foster is best placed to

judge the teams' purchases.

I think the brass port holes, erm, and the oars...in particular,

we tend to do quite well with nautical-themed items like that

because of our proximity to Portsmouth.

We have a lot of people who are quite interested in naval,

maritime items.

So, hopefully, they'll do quite well.

The Thonet bentwood child's highchair. That's quite nice.

They're quite collectable and generally

fairly popular, so hopefully that might make 40, 50, £60, maybe.

Each of our team started with £400.

Brian and Paul plumped for an eclectic mix,

signing up for six lots that set them back a total of £273.

Rookie Philip and his partner Phil also acquired six lots,

some with a distinct talent of salty sea air about them.

-Their outlay was relatively modest £215.

-69, the toolkit, now...

As the auction kicks off, tension's building.

My heart's beating.

That's a good job. You want to worry when it isn't!

Worry when it isn't.

First up is Brian and Paul's Zulu pipe.

Paul found it and Brian fell in love with it.

Was this the one that was used in the film?

The wooden pipe, now. I got eight pounds. Ten, is there?

Ten there is.

12 anywhere? 12.

14 anyway?

It's a Zulu pipe, by the way.

BRIAN CHUCKLES

At £12...

A £7 profit is a great start for Brian and Paul.

50% profit.

-How much was it?

-12 quid. 12 quid.

-Going down now.

After this everything's down.

Philip and Phil's jug, vase and theatre poster have been

combined into one rather odd job lot.

I've got a couple of bids. I've got 18.

I've got 22 bid. 24 anywhere? 24.

26 anywhere? 26. 28? 30 anywhere?

30 there is. And 2? At £30.

2 anywhere? Sell it, then, at £30.

That's just cost us a fiver.

Oh, unlucky.

After commission, that's a slight loss.

Next up is the 19th-century child's chair on wheels,

-which Brian spotted.

-I've got £50 bid. 5, is there?

55, there is. 60 anywhere? 60?

And 5? 70?

There is. And 5? 80? 5? 90, anywhere?

-That's a result.

-Well done, mate.

At £85, then...

It's a strange little thing but someone likes it, and it puts Brian

and Paul well ahead of the Phils, who've yet to make a penny.

-That's our moment.

-Bask in the glory of £5 profit,

because that could be the high spot.

It's Phil and Philip's articulated hands now.

-Could this be the lot to change their fortunes?

-16, if you like.

16 there is. 18. 20, anywhere?

At 18. 20 anywhere?

Selling, then, at £18...

£8 is the first profit for Phil and Philip.

You're on the way now, chaps.

The competition's hotting up and, very appropriately,

it's Brian and Paul's brass and wrought iron firedogs.

A couple of bids here - 24, 26.

28, is there? 28. 30 anywhere?

30, there is. 2, sir? 34, 36, 38?

-40? 2 anywhere?

-Well done, matey.

-At £40. 2 anywhere?

At £40, then...

It's a profit, and someone's pleased.

You can wipe the smiles off your faces. It's not very gentlemanly.

So far, Phil and Philip are trailing Brian and Paul. Now it's time to see

if their speculation on nautical lots pays off.

I've got 18, 22. 24, there is.

26 anywhere? 26, 28.

30, 2, 34?

32 only?

34 anywhere?

-Sell them, then, £32.

-Well done.

That's all right, isn't it?

Well done.

Back of the net.

It is indeed a result, putting Philip and Phil into the lead.

Next up is the bentwood chair, Brian's first purchase at £26.

What, £30 for it, somewhere?

30 for it? No. 20 to start, then.

There is 2 anywhere?

Cheap, this is, at the moment. £20. 22, 24, 26?

28, 28.

30, sir? At 28 only. 30 anywhere? 30, there is. And 2, 32.

-Thanks for nothing.

-34 anywhere?

Sell it, then, at £32...

It's a profit for Brian and Paul but they're still training Team Phil.

PAUL SIGHS

The two glass vases are next, with potential for giant G&Ts.

30, there is. 2 anywhere? At £30.

32, 34, 36, 38, 40 anywhere? At 38.

40 anywhere?

Right, I'll sell them, then, at £38.

Uh-oh. Phil and Philip's lead is starting to look decidedly fragile.

186, now.

Brian and Paul's silk map is under the hammer now,

but does it chart the route to riches?

Interesting lot, that. What, £20 for it, somewhere?

20 there is. 2 anywhere? 22, there is.

24, 26, 28?

At 26, here. 28 anywhere?

28 at the back.

30, 2, 34 anywhere?

Sell it, then, at £32...

A very handsome profit puts Brian and Paul back into the lead.

Do you know what? This is Braveheart all over again, isn't it?

The oars and life belt did well for Philip and Phil

but with will their luck hold with another nautical lot?

I think we're fairly close to the sea, here.

We're further away than we were when we bought them.

What, £60 for the lot, somewhere? No? 50 to start, then?

50 for them, somewhere? No? I've got 40, here, and 5... 45, there is?

50... 50, there is.

5, 60, 5. 70 anywhere?

70, there is. And 5. 80 anywhere?

-Sell them at £75.

-Well done.

Philip's £45-and-a-ride-in-the-Jag deal has paid off superbly

and Team Phil leaps back into the lead.

-Is that good enough?

-Oh, yeah, you're away. You're flying.

Yep, but auctions are unpredictable, Brian,

and your trio of enamel signs might put you back on track.

I've got a couple of bids. I've got 80 and I've got £90.

-100, is there? 100, there is.

-Well done.

105 anywhere?

105 anywhere? 105, 110?

115, 120, 125, 130? At 125.

130, anywhere?

Sell them at £125...

It's a profit.

Brown and Paul are closing the gap. It's too close to call.

-Good!

-It wasn't that good.

Hey, it wasn't that good. You only made a tenner on it.

Hm. With friends like that...

The final lot is Phil and Philip's decidedly battered

set of vintage drawers, and everything rests on how they do.

I just hope our drawers don't get pulled down.

Yeah.

Here we go again.

231a, now. The old bank of drawers, now. £60 for it, somewhere?

60 for it?

50, if you like, then. 50, there is. 5 anywhere? 55, there is.

60, there is. And 5, 70, 5, and 80 anywhere?

80, there is. And 5? 90 anywhere?

Come on, come on.

Sell it, then, at £85...

I think that's just got us out of trouble.

The drawers are battered,

and that fiver helps determine which team emerges bruised.

Cor, dear me.

I think... I think you have to concede defeat.

Phil seems to think Team Phil's victorious,

so let's check the maths.

Brian and Phil did some nifty teamwork and made bold choices,

but it wasn't quite enough.

After commission, they actually lost £5.68, leaving them with £394.32.