Lesley Joseph and Christopher Biggins Celebrity Antiques Road Trip


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Lesley Joseph and Christopher Biggins

Actors Lesley Joseph and Christopher Biggins battle in a competition for antique glory around Essex and Buckinghamshire. Lesley comes face to face with a unique artefact.


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Transcript


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'The nation's favourite celebrities...'

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-We're special, then, are we?

-That's excellent.

-'..paired up with an expert...'

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-That deserves a high-five.

-'..and a classic car.

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-'Their mission - to scour Britain for antiques...'

-I have no idea what it is.

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-Oh, I love it.

-'..the aim, to make the biggest profit at auction...'

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-Yes!

-'..but it's no easy ride.'

-There's no accounting for taste.

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'Who will find a hidden gem? Who will take the biggest risks?

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-'Will anybody follow expert advice?'

-Do you like them?

-No.

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-'There will be worthy winners and valiant losers.'

-Are you happy?

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-Yes, ecstatic.

-'Time to put your pedal to the metal.

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'This is Celebrity Antiques Road Trip.

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'Yeah!'

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'Who'd drive in a car like this?'

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-Come along, Christopher.

-'Aha!'

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-Oh!

-I love it!

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-It's a Triumph Herald.

-This is a bit of a triumph for us!

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LAUGHTER

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Yes!

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Yes. Today's nicely-turned-out celebrities and friends

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are Lesley Joseph and Christopher Biggins.

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Here we go.

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I have one complaint. It's not pink.

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Lesley is known to the nation as Dorien,

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the Chigwell jezebel from TV's Birds Of A Feather...

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This is Essex.

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Yes. My sort of adopted county. I is like an Essex girl now.

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..while Christopher's range includes everything from playing

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Emperor Nero in I, Claudius to cult classic Rentaghost.

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Not famous for his driving roles, however.

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-There is such a backlog of traffic behind us.

-Is there?

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It's hysterical. It's going back for miles.

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Both have form, though,

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when it comes the serious business of celebrity competition.

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Especially King of the Jungle Christopher.

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I don't mind as long as I beat you.

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LAUGHTER

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They're big in panto, too, which has not escaped the notice

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of today's experts, auctioneers Mark Stacey and James Braxton.

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You and Biggy are going to get on like a house on fire.

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-What, like a pair of pantomime dames?

-Yes, exactly.

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This could be the big break!

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With £400 apiece, celebrities and experts are making their way

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through the Essex countryside in a 1980s Ford Capri

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and a 1960s Triumph Vitesse...

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slowly.

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And we're hoping that because they maybe might like us just

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-a little bit, they might give us a really good price.

-Yes, exactly.

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-On the other hand, they might not.

-They might hate us!

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Yep, fame can cut both ways. Best behaviour, now.

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Our trip starts in Sawbridgeworth,

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just over the Hertfordshire border

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and then takes an anticlockwise meander around the north

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of the capital before returning for a West London auction at Chiswick.

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I wonder who is going to go with who?

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I don't know why but I just look at you and I think you

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and Lesley would be birds of a feather.

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'Oh, I don't think he gets it, Mark.'

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-Oh, oh, James, look out behind us.

-Well, good morning, gentleman!

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-Good morning! How are you?

-Very good. How are you?

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-We've had a very good journey.

-Have you?

-So, what are we going to do?

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What are we going to do? Who would like to go with who?

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-Well, I think we have paired up.

-I think this is it.

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I think we have actually naturally paired up, so shall we stay like this?

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-Are we the perfect pairing?

-We're the perfect pairing.

-Especially on height. Let's go.

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'So, an extremely short walk to the first shop.'

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-OK. Where shall we go? Straight on?

-Let's go straight on.

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-Let's get rid of them.

-Let's go down here, then.

-'Plenty of room.

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'There shouldn't be too much stepping on each other's toes.'

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This is my idea of heaven!

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'Time for each expert to discover exactly what his celebrity

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'wants to get out of here.'

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-I like china.

-Yep.

-I love little silver things.

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I think we want to go for cabinets.

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You see, you've got a good variety here.

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Very pretty little silver purse with swags and bows.

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But £195 is much too much.

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-'Lesley has definitely done this before.'

-Do you like...?

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No, I don't.

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LAUGHTER

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(I quite like this. He won't like it, though.)

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-You don't mind me being blunt?

-No, I don't mind you being blunt at all.

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-(I do.) Now, I like that. I think it's quite fun.

-'Oh, lordy!'

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-Come on, find something nice!

-I'm trying to.

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-I don't think you're trying hard enough.

-I'm sorry.

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Honestly, I could have got a really good person to be on this show with.

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'Now, now! Remember, best behaviour.'

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-I quite like that!

-'At last! Now, what about Lesley and James?'

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-Small things. Attractive things.

-I think small but beautiful.

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Small but old. Small and blingy. Small and bright.

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-'That's their mantra, then.'

-See, £300 for that...

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Yeah.

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And there's a jug and six tumblers but...

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-It's a lot and not a particularly fine one, either.

-No, it isn't.

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'She shows definite promise, you know.

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'Meanwhile, peace has broken out elsewhere.'

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-This is rather interesting.

-Yes.

-I love the colour.

-I do too.

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-That iridescent green.

-What exactly is it?

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-Well, it is a figure of two deer, I think.

-Yes.

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Not two old dears.

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Will it be expensive? Will it be dear?

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LAUGHTER

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-Let's get those in early.

-Is it possible we can open this one here?

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-Yes, certainly.

-We want to have a look at the two deer here.

-OK.

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-Is it china?

-It is. It's porcelain.

-That's interesting, isn't it?

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It's a lovely colour.

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-It's quite unusual.

-But I'm not sure about that base.

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Because they are making modern versions of these now.

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These were made in the Art Deco period.

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-I think it might be a more modern one.

-Oh, I see.

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But it is something we might consider.

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-Shall we just keep it in...

-Yes. Absolutely.

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-..the back of our head?

-You don't know how much we could get that for?

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Actually, this lady is away on holiday

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-so we'll make a decision for her.

-A fiver?

-No. Sorry.

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-Possibly a little bit more than that.

-'Steady on.

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-'Any more of that and you may be asked to leave.'

-What are you doing?

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-It will be something rude.

-'How could he possibly guess?'

-Calm down!

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-There's nothing really exciting here.

-No, it's not, is there?

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-Apart from us, of course!

-Of course.

-That goes without saying.

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-'In a quieter corner, James has unearthed something.'

-Is that stamps?

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'It's not remotely blingy, though.'

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-Is that real stamps or is that all printed?

-Nick! We want you!

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-You have caught me eating biscuits.

-'Ooh, crumbs!'

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We have found a very unusual coffee table. Classic. What is that?

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'70s, '80s coffee table

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but somebody has put underneath the coffee table load of stamps.

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'Just as well he used to be a porter.'

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-That is actually really rather good.

-Isn't it fun?

-55.

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-We can do better than that.

-We can do a lot better than that.

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Can we just check that it's quite... I mean,

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it needs to be solid.

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But it's a working coffee table.

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There is no such thing as an old coffee table.

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-It's actually really fun, isn't it?

-Just to warn you - two screws missing

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-and an odd screw there on this side.

-Oh, no!

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-I don't think that's a problem.

-That is a deal-breaker.

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It would be a deal softener.

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I just want to... just in case I make an absolute

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-fool of myself, I do want to reassure myself...

-Or a fool of me.

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-'More to the point!'

-They are actual stamps.

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-I think they definitely are.

-They absolutely 100% are.

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-I've never seen something like that.

-'So, Mr Nick...'

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-I shall do some phone calls.

-Will you do some phone calls and let us know?

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We're looking about 20, Nick. For heavily damaged...

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'Slight exaggeration, James.'

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-We don't like all of the stamps.

-'Frank, Lesley, eh?

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-'I think she's joking.'

-It's good fun. It's somebody using their noddle.

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Give me high-five.

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-Well done.

-'Nick has news.'

-25?

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Would that be...? Are we getting there?

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Do you think there is even more movement, then, Nick? Hesitation.

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-What about 20?

-See if you can get it for 20?

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-'Time for Nick to make one more plea, then.'

-For you, yes.

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Lovely! I'm celebrating with a cup of tea!

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'Cheers, you two!'

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Quietly. Because there are eyes around us, Nick. Quietly.

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-Thank you very much indeed.

-Thank you very much indeed. Thank you.

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-Thank you for looking after us.

-'First buy to Lesley and James for £20.

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-'Ah, now, that is familiar!'

-I just love the colour.

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I love the flowers which are halfway up.

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I love the orange down below the yellow. I love everything.

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It is very, very 1930s, isn't it?

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I would have thought that was quite commercial, too.

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-It is quite commercial.

-To buy.

-It's a lemonade set, I think.

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-It's a lot of money.

-'Yes, the ticket price is £300.

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'Far too much for their rivals.'

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We have got a combination of techniques, haven't we?

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We've got hand-painting and transfer printing.

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This is transfer printed, I think.

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But it's very much in the style of that very famous designer,

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-Clarice Cliff.

-Vibrant, isn't it? Very vibrant.

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-Very vibrant and this is very much her shape.

-'Maybe.

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'But it's clearly not the real thing, Mark.

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-'Even if your celebrity is smitten.'

-Christopher is really sold on this.

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Is he? So you need me to really, really get a good price?

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-You know, this is...

-Seriously.

-OK, I will see what I can do.

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Thank you very much.

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Would you accept 150 if she came down?

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-Oh, yes, I think we'd accept £150.

-Exactly.

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'That would be quite a reduction. Anything a bit cheaper, you two?'

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-So it is that one over there.

-What was it you wanted to see?

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-The bronze boar.

-This one?

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-I'm working with one, so I thought I would see a bronze of one.

-Oh, ouch!

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You're forgiven.

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LAUGHTER

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Now, is that bronze? It's not terribly heavy, is it?

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-No, but what else would it be?

-That's true.

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-I think it is.

-I think it's got a lovely face.

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-I think it's got a lovely face, I really like it.

-What price is it?

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-What price is it?

-The dealer's got 85 on it.

-Oh...

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He's not very good on trade, but we can try and beat him down for you.

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Oh-h. Not good on trade.

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-Unfortunately.

-That means that he doesn't like giving big discounts.

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-'Bad luck.'

-Oh-h.

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Are you sure you're all right carrying that,

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-because I am here to help.

-Yes. LAUGHTER

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'Sounds like anything better than about 10% off is down to Polly and the team.'

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The boar - I can only go down to 75.

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-That is so boring.

-What would you pay for it?

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-In a perfect world, I'd want to pay 50 quid.

-Yeah.

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SHE LAUGHS

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-Was that...?

-Were you laughing?

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-No, no, I went "Oooh!"

-You laughed.

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I'll confess, I did laugh.

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Yes, I did. Nick is going to try again for you.

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-He's not trying very hard, is he?

-Oh-h!

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-Thank you, appreciate it!

-Yay! You got another five.

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Five!

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You're not happy, are you?

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NICK: I got it down to 70.

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'That's the best but Nick's still not managed to speak to the

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'dealer who owns the lemonade set yet.'

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Just rings and rings.

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-They could ring us back.

-Yes, or could we ring you?

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-Would you mind trying?

-Because we'd love to get it.

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-Could you try on the hour every hour?

-We'll carry on ringing all day.

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-Would you?

-Nick, you are marvellous.

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So what are we going to do about this little boar?

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-I think we should go for it.

-I think we should.

-Cos you love it.

-I do. I do like it.

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I can always say that at the auction when it doesn't make a profit.

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'One £70 boar in the bag.

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'We'll have to wait and see about the lemonade set, though.

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'Meanwhile, who's got the Ford?'

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HAPPY SQUEALING

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'Yes, that one.

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'Lesley and James are heading west,

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'motoring from Sawbridgeworth to the countryside near Ware.'

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Would Dorien have loved that antiques centre or not?

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Erm, not really, no.

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-Let's put it this way...

-It was second-hand, wasn't it?

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It was second-hand, nothing leopard skin about it

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and there were no gorgeous young hunks. Dorien's a fickle character.

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'Not so Lesley.

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'Welcome to the Curious Collectables Emporium, an internet only

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'establishment welcoming some rare personal callers.'

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-Hello!

-Hi.

-I'm Lesley, how are you? Are you Alan?

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-Yes, I am. Nice to meet you.

-Lovely to meet you.

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-Hello, James.

-Hi, James, nice to meet you.

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-Oooh.

-Well, come in.

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-Feel free to have a look around.

-Look at this!

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-Lovely.

-I'll let you guys carry on and have a look.

-Thank you.

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Thanks very much.

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'The place to themselves.

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'But not a cabinet in sight.

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'I think the bling thing might have to take a back seat, don't you?'

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It's not quite as crowded as I'd like.

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'There must be something, Lesley. Let's grasp the nettle, shall we?'

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Aggh! Look at this.

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That is cool. I had a Meccano set.

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-'Something tells me Lesley didn't.'

-It's a proper tool. Nuts and bolts.

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-I think it's definitely a shop fitting.

-Yes, without question.

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-It looks like it has all the Meccano spares.

-It does.

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-We must ask the price for that?

-Do they sell well?

-That would sell well.

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-Would it?

-Yeah, it's very unusual. People prize the unusual.

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-I've never seen one.

-'He's keen.

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'But with the public not usually allowed in here, there is

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-'something missing.'

-I think the absence of price tags is lovely.

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'James has spotted something else.

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'It's difficult to miss, though, enough to make you croak.'

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-This is a fountain.

-No, is it?

-Yeah.

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-Do you like that?

-HE LAUGHS

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People love gardens.

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Pollution can come in many things,

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but noise pollution is one of the worst.

0:13:590:14:02

If you had a little garden in London and you splash and it's your noise,

0:14:020:14:08

-rather than your neighbours.

-'Is it bronze, though?'

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This rather points that this is verdigris, copper oxide.

0:14:120:14:17

But if you really wanted to test it, what you do is take an area,

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here where it's got rubbed, I don't even need to do it with a knife.

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But if I went like that, it comes up yellow rather than silver.

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Is a leaping frog fountain on the top of everybody's to-buy list?

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Personally, no.

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'Oh, dear. Anything you'd choose, Lesley?'

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I love this. I love little chairs.

0:14:410:14:43

Yeah. It's got a little crack here.

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-It's been there for sometime, hasn't it?

-Do you think it's old?

0:14:450:14:49

-Definitely. Yeah. It's 19th century.

-It's lovely and worn.

-Yeah.

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-It's just quite a nice honest chair that.

-Shall we get a price on that?

0:14:530:15:00

-Yeah.

-'From an unpromising start we suddenly have quite a short list.

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'Time to talk to Alan. Hi, Alan.'

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-It's a very attractive Meccano.

-Yes, I've tried to find a value on it.

0:15:060:15:10

I've searched the internet, I can't find anything like it.

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'So it is unusual?'

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I don't have a price in mind as yet.

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There's not a huge amount in it.

0:15:170:15:19

No, interestingly it's for the parts.

0:15:190:15:23

Maybe it is a shop display

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because I see everything is quite packaged.

0:15:250:15:28

-There are bits inside that haven't even been opened yet.

-Yeah.

0:15:280:15:32

I don't know, it's just rather interesting.

0:15:340:15:36

It doesn't float my boat.

0:15:360:15:37

'She doesn't hide her feelings, does she?'

0:15:370:15:39

-What about this little chair, I love chairs.

-'Oh, God.'

0:15:390:15:42

Yes, I've had that for a while actually.

0:15:420:15:45

Definitely 19th century.

0:15:450:15:46

Windsor chairs were made in Buckinghamshire,

0:15:460:15:49

you know, not far away for ever and ever.

0:15:490:15:52

-I have that advertised at 70.

-Yeah.

0:15:520:15:55

It's something we would like to buy at 30 or 40, isn't it?

0:15:550:15:58

-There is a frog in the corner.

-Your bronze frog, how much?

0:15:580:16:03

To be honest, it was more for decoration. But it is for sale.

0:16:030:16:07

I think I've got him up for £100, I believe.

0:16:070:16:10

'I think they had a lot less in mind.

0:16:100:16:13

'But Lesley has also found another aquatic, cheaper surely?'

0:16:130:16:17

-I quite like this.

-'Oh, no.'

0:16:170:16:19

Definitely a hardwood of some sort.

0:16:190:16:22

-Probably African.

-How much is that?

0:16:220:16:25

-Ten.

-It's got a charm, hasn't it?

0:16:250:16:28

It looks as though it's smiling!

0:16:280:16:30

It sort of has and I quite like that it is nice and sharp.

0:16:300:16:34

You're not thinking of doing anything hazardous, are you?

0:16:340:16:38

'Give her daggers, eh?'

0:16:380:16:40

I just might do.

0:16:400:16:42

'So then there were four.'

0:16:420:16:44

-We thought we'd put a package to you.

-Sure.

-Our offer is £200 for the lot.

0:16:440:16:50

I can't really sell the Meccano at the moment.

0:16:500:16:52

The guy that lets me store the stuff here,

0:16:520:16:55

he showed me it yesterday.

0:16:550:16:58

I said to him I would research it before I got a price for him.

0:16:580:17:02

-That was just a rather nasty draw, wasn't it?

-It was.

0:17:020:17:05

Then you could always phone him now and talk to him.

0:17:050:17:09

Very foolish laying bait.

0:17:090:17:11

You never know when it's going to be gobbled up, do you?

0:17:110:17:15

'So, time for a cup of tea out in the farmyard

0:17:150:17:17

'while Alan calls a cabinet meeting.'

0:17:170:17:20

At this stage, he doesn't really want to sell it.

0:17:200:17:23

-He doesn't want to be bounced into it.

-No.

0:17:230:17:26

That leaves us with a frog, a chair and a thing.

0:17:260:17:31

I don't think I particularly want to pay £100 for those.

0:17:310:17:34

What if we offered you 80 for the three?

0:17:340:17:37

Erm...

0:17:370:17:39

-Not 100?

-No, not 100.

-I reckon we could go to 85 and that would be it.

0:17:400:17:44

-85?

-85?

-I'll agree to that.

-Lovely, shake hands on it. High five. Yeah!

0:17:440:17:50

-Well done, Alan. Thank you.

-Pay him!

0:17:520:17:54

-"Pay him" as well.

-Pay the man.

-'Like the lady said, James!

0:17:540:17:58

'Meanwhile, back in the Vitesse.

0:18:000:18:03

-'Christopher and Mark are heading to the theatre.'

-I'm a pantomime queen...

0:18:050:18:09

'Get away!'

0:18:090:18:10

-..of England.

-I'd say veteran.

0:18:100:18:12

I'm with the Hof this year in Southend.

0:18:150:18:17

It'll be like Baywatch for few months. Pamela Anderson, the Hof.

0:18:170:18:21

My favourite pantomime role as the dame is, without doubt, Mother Goose.

0:18:210:18:26

She's like the Hamlet of the Dame world.

0:18:260:18:29

'But with a "quackier" ending.

0:18:290:18:32

'Our trip now manoeuvres into Greater London

0:18:330:18:35

'and the borough of Ilford, where Christopher and Mark have come to

0:18:350:18:40

'meet one of our greatest authorities

0:18:400:18:42

'on the art of pantomime.'

0:18:420:18:43

-Hello!

-Hello, Nigel! How nice to see you. Mwah! Mwah!

0:18:430:18:48

-This is my friend Mark.

-Lovely to meet you.

0:18:480:18:50

He wants to do pantomime this year, what can we do for him?

0:18:500:18:53

'Dread to think.

0:18:540:18:56

'Nigel Ellacott is the costume designer and life-long panto

0:18:560:18:59

'buff, who like Christopher, has played the dame countless times.'

0:18:590:19:03

-Where is all the pantomime stuff?

-'Behind you!!

0:19:030:19:06

'Nigel may be based at the theatre

0:19:060:19:08

'named after the-stiff-upper lip hero of loads of war movies

0:19:080:19:12

'like Reach For The Sky,

0:19:120:19:13

'but his true passion is for our uniquely British form of slapstick.'

0:19:130:19:18

This is the oldest thing I've got in the collection.

0:19:180:19:21

-This is a playbill of Joseph Grimaldi and dates from 1822.

-Good Lord! Wow!

0:19:210:19:28

It is, to me anyway, the very beginning of pantomime.

0:19:280:19:33

Joseph Grimaldi, even today if you go to a circus,

0:19:330:19:35

every single clown is known as a Joey and that's because of him.

0:19:350:19:40

Here you've got the white face and the make-up.

0:19:400:19:43

These harlequinades were the origin of pantomime.

0:19:430:19:46

We don't have a clown any more in panto, but if you look at his

0:19:460:19:50

face, and you've got the make-up and the silly hair,

0:19:500:19:53

-he sort of became the dame.

-Yes.

0:19:530:19:55

I'm just looking to see if Christopher is on the bill.

0:19:550:19:58

Ha-ha-ha, here I am, small print!

0:19:580:20:00

'Nigel's collection, most of which can be found online, demonstrates

0:20:000:20:05

'how older European theatrical forms with stock characters

0:20:050:20:09

'and familiar plots evolved into what we would recognise today as panto.'

0:20:090:20:14

We British, we said, "We like the Italian and French entertainment,

0:20:140:20:18

-"but let's put a little something different in."

-The British spin.

-Yeah.

0:20:180:20:22

And they created slapstick, Harlequin's stick was slapstick.

0:20:220:20:26

It was two pieces of wood that made a slapping sound.

0:20:260:20:29

-Oh, I see.

-Oh, hence...

-Hence slapstick. Yes.

0:20:290:20:32

'But it was under the influence of theatre manager Sir Augustus Harris

0:20:320:20:37

'in the late 19th century that the modern pantomime was born.'

0:20:370:20:40

He brings in stars to pantomime for the very first time.

0:20:400:20:45

He got them from music hall.

0:20:450:20:47

All those popular stars like Marie Lloyd, Little Tich,

0:20:470:20:52

Dan Leno, he made them huge pantomime stars.

0:20:520:20:56

That way he didn't just get the middle classes, he got the

0:20:560:21:00

working classes in there and now his theatres are full and packed...

0:21:000:21:04

-Do you know the expression "bring the house down"?

-I don't know why.

0:21:040:21:08

It's the old-time music hall days when they were open all day.

0:21:080:21:12

Acts would go on all day from early morning until late at night.

0:21:120:21:15

But mainly you went there to eat and drink in the bars at the back.

0:21:150:21:20

Then somebody like Marie Lloyd would come on

0:21:200:21:23

and she'd bring the house down from the back.

0:21:230:21:26

-Ah-h!

-Oh!

-They would go and sit to watch her.

0:21:260:21:28

That's when you got that expression when this was the top bill.

0:21:280:21:32

-I think it's lovely.

-I never knew.

0:21:320:21:34

'Paris's leading male star was Dan Leno,

0:21:340:21:37

'known as the funniest man on earth.

0:21:370:21:39

'Leno, who started out as Little George the Infant Wonder,

0:21:390:21:44

'became in the course of a short but brilliant career, the dame's dame.'

0:21:440:21:48

When he started with Augustus Harris, he was earning £28 a week.

0:21:480:21:52

-That was a heck of a lot of money then.

-That's in about 1880.

0:21:520:21:56

But by the time he died in 1903, he was earning £245 a week.

0:21:560:22:03

-Good heavens.

-In pantomime alone.

0:22:030:22:08

-Gosh!

-He was the highest-paid comic in the world.

0:22:080:22:12

'But panto's other great cross-dressing role is

0:22:120:22:15

'the principal boy.

0:22:150:22:16

'Nigel's collection includes this doll modelled on Cora Goffin,

0:22:160:22:20

'the actress who at the height of her fame had her legs

0:22:200:22:22

'insured for £20,000 when 20,000 was 20,000.'

0:22:220:22:26

This is probably a very early form of pantomime off-sale.

0:22:260:22:31

This doll was sold in the theatre.

0:22:310:22:33

On her foot there it says, "Emile Littler's Jack & Jill".

0:22:330:22:40

-Ah-h!

-So that was the pantomime at Birmingham.

0:22:400:22:42

Cora Goffin was the most famous principal boy of her time.

0:22:420:22:46

When she did radio panto,

0:22:460:22:49

she got so much fan mail from that one radio broadcast that the

0:22:490:22:53

BBC were forced to bring in a secretary to handle the fan mail.

0:22:530:22:57

It was the first time that had ever happened.

0:22:570:23:00

'Of course one of the reasons that panto is still so well loved

0:23:000:23:04

'is the comfort of unchanging conventions like audience participation.

0:23:040:23:08

'Oh, yes, it is!

0:23:080:23:10

'Villains entering from stage left

0:23:100:23:13

'and the good fairy from stage right.'

0:23:130:23:15

-We are sort of fraternity, aren't we?

-We are.

0:23:150:23:17

-And I think we should have new members.

-I couldn't agree more.

0:23:170:23:21

-Shall we try this on our new member?

-I think we ought to give it a go.

0:23:210:23:24

Why not, why not? Let's see how it goes. You're the new member, darling.

0:23:240:23:28

-Oh, I'm the new member?!

-Yes, you're the new member.

0:23:280:23:30

-So you come in the middle.

-If it fits, it's like Cinderella.

0:23:300:23:33

-You will go to the panto!

-I will go. Oooh!

0:23:330:23:36

-It fits!

-Gosh.

0:23:360:23:37

-Let me have a look. Oh, you look...!

-But not quite ready yet.

0:23:370:23:42

-Oh, dear, what's next?

-Put your arm through there.

-Oh, my God.

0:23:420:23:45

-Thank you. Another one.

-I'm like Dame Shirley Bassey here.

0:23:450:23:48

In your dreams!

0:23:480:23:51

You look lovely. Give us a twirl.

0:23:510:23:55

Marvellous. A dame is born.

0:23:550:23:58

-That's your Christmas season sorted.

-Absolutely.

0:23:580:24:02

-I think Cleethorpes, don't you?

-Yes.

0:24:020:24:04

'Ah, well, antiques' loss is Vaudeville's gain.

0:24:040:24:08

'Now, back to our original double act.'

0:24:080:24:11

-Off we go, Christopher.

-All right.

0:24:110:24:13

BOTH: # Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye

0:24:130:24:16

-# Cheerio...

-Here I go... #

0:24:160:24:18

THEY DISSOLVE INTO LAUGHTER

0:24:180:24:20

-Look at the road! The road!

-HE LAUGHS

0:24:200:24:22

'That's showbiz. Nighty night, you two.

0:24:220:24:24

'Next morning, Lesley is ready for yet more rummaging.'

0:24:260:24:29

I have to say I had the best day, I mean, James is lovely.

0:24:290:24:34

-We laughed a lot.

-Yes.

-And...

0:24:340:24:37

Mark is very dull. He... has no fun whatsoever.

0:24:370:24:43

Honestly, it was like being with my grandmother.

0:24:430:24:46

'If your granny knew a thing or two about antiques.

0:24:460:24:49

-'Despite a few differences of taste...'

-Now, I like that...

0:24:490:24:53

'..Christopher and Mark managed to acquire a bronze boar for £70,

0:24:530:24:56

'leaving them £330,

0:24:560:25:00

'although they were sorely tempted by a lemonade set, as you do...'

0:25:000:25:04

-I honestly love it.

-'..but couldn't reach the dealer,

0:25:040:25:08

'while Lesley and James set off at boy-racer pace...'

0:25:080:25:11

EXCITED SQUEALING

0:25:110:25:13

'..splashing out on a frog fountain, a crocodile paper knife,

0:25:130:25:18

'a chair and a coffee table.'

0:25:180:25:20

Give me high five.

0:25:200:25:22

'That nice mix cost a mere £105, leaving almost £300 to spend today.

0:25:220:25:29

'Later they'll be wending towards

0:25:290:25:31

'west London for an auction

0:25:310:25:32

'at Chiswick, but our next stop

0:25:320:25:34

is in Buckinghamshire,

0:25:340:25:35

'at the village of Waddesdon.'

0:25:350:25:38

# There's no business like show business

0:25:380:25:40

# Like no business I know... #

0:25:400:25:43

'Shall we get on with the show, then?!'

0:25:450:25:47

HE CHUCKLES

0:25:470:25:49

Good morning. Whee!

0:25:490:25:52

-Morning, boys.

-Good morning.

-I use the term loosely!

0:25:540:25:58

-Here we are. Good morning.

-Good morning, Mr James. How are you?

0:25:580:26:02

-Morning, Lesley.

-Lovely to see you.

0:26:020:26:04

-Lovely to see you, you're looking resplendent.

-We're all in bloom.

0:26:040:26:08

-I know.

-Did you have a good day yesterday?

-We had a marvellous day.

0:26:080:26:11

-Wonderful day.

-We've got a truckload of stuff!

0:26:110:26:14

-That's scared me. Not sure about ours.

-Ours are lovely!

0:26:150:26:19

-You're not sure?!

-No.

-He's told me, Lesley. I'm so sorry.

0:26:190:26:24

-Don't listen to him!

-Excuse me, I've got work to do.

0:26:240:26:27

-Remember, it is the taking part that counts.

-Don't spend too much money.

0:26:270:26:31

-We'll see you later.

-OK.

0:26:310:26:33

-So where are we going?

-Shopping, shopping, shopping.

-Nearby?

0:26:350:26:39

-It's literally just across the road.

-How marvellous.

0:26:390:26:42

'Hmm! Christopher and Mark have an awful lot of shopping to do

0:26:420:26:45

'so they're heading to the high street,

0:26:450:26:47

'but first there's that lemonade set they were keen on.

0:26:470:26:50

'Before they buy here, they need to make a call.'

0:26:500:26:53

-'Antiques centre, good morning.'

-Morning, is that Polly?

-'It is.'

0:26:530:26:56

Polly, it's Biggins and Mark. How are you?

0:26:560:26:59

-'I'm fine, how are you?'

-Very well indeed.

0:26:590:27:02

Now what's the news on the lemonade set?

0:27:020:27:04

'We've beaten him down just a little bit more for you

0:27:040:27:08

'and the price is 225.'

0:27:080:27:10

-Oh-h!

-Oh-h!

0:27:100:27:11

-Oh, dear, Oh, dear.

-'I know. It's the best we can do. I'm sorry.'

0:27:110:27:16

-We're so close, aren't we?

-We are. He wouldn't do 175?

0:27:160:27:20

-'No, definitely not. That was his final offer.'

-Oh, Polly!

0:27:200:27:26

-Go on, let's take it.

-Shall we?

-Yes.

-Have you made an executive?

0:27:260:27:29

Yes, I've made an executive. We're going to take it.

0:27:290:27:31

-'You've made an executive.'

-Yes, we're going to take it.

0:27:310:27:34

Mark's collapsed on the floor.

0:27:340:27:36

'I think he's taken it pretty well considering, Christopher.

0:27:360:27:39

'£225 is a huge gamble. On the nose, you might even say.

0:27:390:27:44

'Leaving just £105 to spend today.'

0:27:440:27:47

-Junk & Disorderly, that's us!

-Do you like pigeons?

-I love pigeons.

0:27:490:27:54

I have never seen anything like that.

0:27:540:27:56

-They're marvellous.

-'A clock garniture with what looks like a broken clock.'

0:27:560:28:01

-What's it made from?

-It looks bronze from a distance.

-Yeah.

0:28:010:28:05

It's actually made out of smelter.

0:28:050:28:08

-Oh-h, right!

-Which is a cheaper version. Then it's been bronzed.

0:28:080:28:12

It's almost certainly French. Early 20th century. It's so OTT.

0:28:120:28:17

-It's gorgeous. It can't be for the three of them £60?

-It must be.

0:28:170:28:21

'Even that's more than half of what they've got left.'

0:28:210:28:24

-What do you think he'll take?

-£20.

-You don't.

-Well, I think we can try.

0:28:240:28:28

-Or at a push we could say a tenner for each piece.

-Yeah, good.

0:28:290:28:33

'Nice start. Anything else out here?'

0:28:330:28:35

-I'm going to buy this for you.

-For me?

-For all your special memories.

0:28:360:28:40

Oh!

0:28:400:28:41

Yes, it's empty!

0:28:410:28:43

-Don't they go on the side of a horse or something?

-Why?

-I've no idea.

0:28:450:28:48

I'm just making it up as I go along.

0:28:480:28:51

'On that note, let's meet the proprietor.'

0:28:510:28:53

-Hello, how are you?

-Good morning.

0:28:550:28:57

-Very well, thank you.

-Chris, nice to see you.

-Nice to see you, Roger.

0:28:570:29:00

-This is my friend Mark.

-Hello, Roger.

-Hello, Mark.

0:29:000:29:03

What a lovely shop you've got.

0:29:030:29:05

-What a small shop!

-Well, it's a strange little emporium really!

0:29:050:29:09

'Well, it's certainly a bit disorderly, Roger,

0:29:090:29:12

'although your stock is much nicer than you describe.'

0:29:120:29:15

-We quite like your pigeons outside.

-Yes.

-They're unusual.

0:29:150:29:19

They're interesting. The clock is absolutely useless, but you know...

0:29:190:29:23

The pigeons are nice.

0:29:230:29:25

What's your best offer on that?

0:29:250:29:27

I suppose...

0:29:290:29:31

-Tenner a piece?

-We've spent a lot of money already.

0:29:310:29:36

You always say that.

0:29:360:29:38

-Ha-ha, Roger!

-We are gentlemen, we only tell you the truth.

-True.

0:29:380:29:42

30 quid.

0:29:420:29:43

-It'd be lovely if we could get it for that.

-Yes.

-Well done, Roger.

0:29:440:29:47

-Thank you very much.

-Roger, you're a star.

0:29:470:29:49

'Thanks to Roger, those two have finally got something going "cheep"!'

0:29:490:29:53

I'm really excited. It's good.

0:29:530:29:56

I've got the lemonade jug and the six tumblers which I'm thrilled about.

0:29:560:30:03

We've got our bronze

0:30:030:30:05

and I'm absolutely thrilled with our three pigeons.

0:30:050:30:08

I think it's so camp and over the top that it's wonderful,

0:30:080:30:12

and a great price. So I'm really thrilled.

0:30:120:30:14

'Now, what about those other birds of a feather,

0:30:140:30:17

'nipping up the road to nearby Waddesdon Manor?'

0:30:170:30:20

Have you and Christopher, have you ever worked together?

0:30:200:30:23

-I'm trying to think. We've never actually done a play together.

-Yeah.

0:30:230:30:27

But you did your radio show, am I right?

0:30:270:30:29

Oh, yes, we did that, on a Sunday morning.

0:30:290:30:32

That was sometimes difficult to get through from laughing.

0:30:320:30:36

'Lesley's a huge fan of stately homes, so this gorgeous creation by

0:30:360:30:40

'Baron Ferdinand de Rothschild should make her very happy.

0:30:400:30:45

'Modelled in the French chateau style, Waddesdon was where the

0:30:450:30:49

'banking dynasty displayed their magnificent collection of art.'

0:30:490:30:54

-Isn't this amazing?

-Come round into the dining room.

0:30:540:30:57

Look at the chandelier, James.

0:30:570:30:59

'Lesley and James are here to see some highlights from that collection

0:30:590:31:03

'in the company of curator Pippa.'

0:31:030:31:05

This is the red drawing room.

0:31:050:31:07

This room was the principal reception room

0:31:070:31:10

here at Waddesdon, erm, and the house was built essentially for

0:31:100:31:14

entertaining, so what we're standing in is a very grand holiday cottage.

0:31:140:31:18

-It was used...

-Bit like ours, love.

0:31:180:31:21

But when you come to rooms like this, you sort of get the kind of

0:31:210:31:24

essence of what was called the Rothschild style, which is

0:31:240:31:28

this very interesting combination of English 18th century portraits

0:31:280:31:32

on the walls here, but French 18th century decorative arts.

0:31:320:31:35

And, of course, wonderful, wonderful China,

0:31:350:31:37

we've got something on the table.

0:31:370:31:39

This object, in a sense, is the one which kicks the whole thing off

0:31:390:31:43

for Ferdinand as a collector

0:31:430:31:44

because this is the first really significant piece that he acquires.

0:31:440:31:49

And what age is it, what is it?

0:31:490:31:50

So, it's a Sevres porcelain vase.

0:31:500:31:54

It's a pot pourri vase, but it's in the form of a ship.

0:31:540:31:56

It was made in 1761.

0:31:560:31:58

'Only ten are known to exist,

0:31:580:32:00

'and Waddesdon has three of these rare and exquisite confections.'

0:32:000:32:05

Am I right in saying this is a sort of bleu celeste?

0:32:050:32:07

This is the famous bleu celeste, yes,

0:32:070:32:09

which was copied from Chinese porcelain,

0:32:090:32:11

which, of course, was the great thing that kicked off this

0:32:110:32:14

search in the 18th century for the secret of true porcelain.

0:32:140:32:17

And it's quite usual to have, erm,

0:32:170:32:19

different scenes on either side because often these pieces

0:32:190:32:22

in the 18th century would be set up with a mirror behind them,

0:32:220:32:25

so you would be able to see the scenes.

0:32:250:32:27

-Oh, gosh, and does the top come off here?

-The top lifts...

0:32:270:32:30

I'm not going to try it.

0:32:300:32:32

'No, don't!

0:32:320:32:33

'Wealthy Ferdinand soon collected many other treasures,

0:32:330:32:36

'some from English aristocrats fallen on hard times.

0:32:360:32:40

'They were a lavish backdrop to his weekend house parties.'

0:32:400:32:43

I want to show you now one of the most extraordinary

0:32:430:32:46

objects in the collections, which is this chap here.

0:32:460:32:49

It's an automaton, and it's a musical automaton,

0:32:510:32:54

so it's a very, very elaborate music box.

0:32:540:32:56

'This incredible creature, which plays four tunes,

0:32:560:32:59

'is the work of a French clockmaker.'

0:32:590:33:02

Oh, it's the most beautiful thing.

0:33:020:33:04

It is glorious, isn't it? Look, Lesley, isn't that incredible?

0:33:040:33:09

It has a very key role, in a sense, in the history of the house.

0:33:100:33:14

Ferdinand acquired it when he'd been asked to host a visit from

0:33:140:33:17

the Shah of Persia, erm, in 1889.

0:33:170:33:21

The Shah was so thrilled by the elephant that he had it wound again

0:33:210:33:25

and again and again until, as Ferdinand said,

0:33:250:33:27

he had to distract His Excellency for fear that...

0:33:270:33:30

He was obviously worried that his new acquisition was going to...

0:33:300:33:33

going to break through all the attention.

0:33:330:33:36

When the Baron died in 1898, his sister Alice inherited

0:33:380:33:43

the manor and continued to develop the collection.

0:33:430:33:45

But it was another female member of the Rothschild family who was

0:33:450:33:49

responsible for some of the finest lace at Waddesdon.

0:33:490:33:53

These were collected by Baroness Edmond from the

0:33:530:33:56

French branch of the family, and she was a great collector of

0:33:560:34:00

all sorts of different accessories, so fans, lace, buttons.

0:34:000:34:04

But she was quite scholarly about it

0:34:040:34:05

so she collected from particular centres of production,

0:34:050:34:08

and I love this one from the 1750s, and it's got

0:34:080:34:10

chinoiserie ornament in it, so you can see the firebirds there.

0:34:100:34:13

-Oh, gosh, yes, look at that, James.

-Yeah.

-And the little bridges there.

0:34:130:34:17

-Oh, my goodness, that is...

-It's so charming, isn't it?

0:34:170:34:19

This one is much more baroque, much denser.

0:34:190:34:21

And that is from what period?

0:34:210:34:23

That's a little bit early, that's from 1700-1720.

0:34:230:34:26

And these were produced to be incorporated in dress,

0:34:260:34:30

sort of cuffs and collars...?

0:34:300:34:31

Yes, yes, and lappets too, which were the long strips

0:34:310:34:35

-which hung down from a cap, hung down at the back.

-Oh, yes.

0:34:350:34:38

You see them in contemporary portraits very often.

0:34:380:34:40

Anyway, we've got someone who knows all about that, and I think

0:34:400:34:43

you're actually going to have a go, Lesley.

0:34:430:34:45

-I'm going to make lace, James.

-Perfect.

0:34:450:34:47

Here is Christine.

0:34:470:34:49

Good morning, Christine. I'm Lesley, James.

0:34:490:34:51

Christine is going to unravel some of the secrets of lace making.

0:34:510:34:55

You only need to learn two movements.

0:34:550:34:57

What, for the whole of that?

0:34:570:34:58

Yes, yes, everything is built up from two movements.

0:34:580:35:02

So you start with four threads, and the first movement is a cross,

0:35:020:35:05

which means crossing the left of right over the right.

0:35:050:35:09

And then you do a twist, which is like that,

0:35:090:35:12

-and I'm going to do a couple of extra twists here.

-I can do that.

0:35:120:35:15

And I'm going to put the pin in.

0:35:150:35:17

And I'll do that again.

0:35:170:35:19

So cross, twist, twist, twist and pin.

0:35:190:35:25

So I've brought along a much simpler piece, I thought

0:35:250:35:28

-you might like to have a go.

-This is Joseph lace.

0:35:280:35:31

-You're going to work along here.

-Right.

-Just look at these.

0:35:310:35:34

-Just look and learn, James.

-Yeah, I am, I'm fascinated.

0:35:340:35:37

-Look at the first four threads.

-OK, so...

0:35:370:35:40

-Take that one...

-That one.

-..over that one.

-Over that one.

0:35:400:35:43

-That's the cross.

-And then I do that over there.

-And again?

0:35:430:35:47

-When do you put the pin in, though?

-In a minute.

0:35:470:35:50

Patience, James, patience. I'm going to be here for the next three days.

0:35:500:35:54

JAMES LAUGHS

0:35:540:35:56

'Not really, although it might well feel like it, James.

0:35:560:36:00

'I'm sure he's musing now on how Christopher and Mark are getting on,

0:36:000:36:04

'as they head for the hills, the Chiltern Hills, and Wendover.

0:36:040:36:08

It's raining on our parade a bit, isn't it?

0:36:080:36:10

It certainly is raining, but I think we've done rather well.

0:36:100:36:14

-But we've still got some money in our pocket.

-Not much.

-But...

-Enough.

0:36:140:36:18

-..with our persuasive techniques...

-CHRISTOPHER LAUGHS

0:36:180:36:21

What would you like to find now, Christopher?

0:36:210:36:23

I suppose I wouldn't mind finding a little bit of silver.

0:36:230:36:26

-Or a painting would be nice.

-A painting?

0:36:260:36:29

Well, I would love to buy a painting, I have to say.

0:36:290:36:32

Do you wonder what Miss Joseph has been up to?

0:36:320:36:35

She's got a very good eye as far as art's concerned.

0:36:350:36:38

I don't know quite what her objet d'art eye is like.

0:36:380:36:42

Bit wonky, I would think.

0:36:420:36:44

'The others will soon be coming, wonky or not.

0:36:440:36:47

'But buying something old

0:36:470:36:49

'shouldn't be too much of a problem in Wendover.

0:36:490:36:51

'After all, Anne Boleyn's family were once landowners round here,

0:36:510:36:55

'and the Ridgeway, possibly Britain's most ancient road,

0:36:550:36:59

'runs right along the high street.'

0:36:590:37:01

-I like that plate.

-Oh, it's lovely, but that'll be over £75.

0:37:010:37:05

-I don't know, let's have a look.

-Oh, I think it might be.

0:37:050:37:07

-95, maybe he'll do a deal.

-Oo-ooh!

0:37:070:37:10

-Hello, how are you?

-Nice to see you.

-Nice to see you.

0:37:110:37:14

-Welcome to Wendover, nice to see you.

-This is lovely, is this yours?

0:37:140:37:19

I wish it was. There's 30 dealers here.

0:37:190:37:21

'Looks promising too, but thanks to something they bought earlier,

0:37:210:37:25

'our pair have severely limited funds.'

0:37:250:37:28

-How much have we got left?

-75.

-£75 of our £400 budget.

-Oh, that's fine!

0:37:280:37:34

-CHRISTOPHER LAUGHS

-Are you sure?

-You can find...

0:37:340:37:36

-For two items?

-No problem.

0:37:360:37:37

'Well said, Mike. Does that apply to the paintings you have here too?'

0:37:370:37:41

See, that I rather like as well. Study of Holland Park, London.

0:37:410:37:45

-That's Holland Park, London?

-Now that's so 1950s.

0:37:450:37:49

-It is.

-Those modern British colours, you know, the slate greys.

0:37:490:37:52

Yeah, I think that's very nice, actually.

0:37:520:37:55

Slightly Impressionistic, I love it.

0:37:550:37:57

-We may be able to get that for a good price.

-You see, I think that...

0:37:570:38:00

-It's unsigned, early to mid-20th, I think it's mid.

-Yeah.

0:38:000:38:04

-And that would go anywhere.

-It would.

0:38:040:38:06

And it's only marked up at 95.

0:38:060:38:08

Yes, we might get that at a...

0:38:080:38:10

-D'you like it?

-I do, I think it's very nice.

0:38:100:38:12

-I think that's a possibility. Shall I pop that down?

-Yes.

0:38:120:38:15

Cos that's definitely a possibility.

0:38:150:38:17

'And the auction's just down the road

0:38:170:38:19

'from Holland Park in Chiswick, remember.

0:38:190:38:21

'Ah, look who's here.'

0:38:210:38:23

Is this the Last Chance Saloon?

0:38:230:38:25

'A couple of gunslingers

0:38:260:38:27

'in search of antiques and collectables apparently.'

0:38:270:38:30

-Hello!

-Oh, hi, hello, I'm Lesley.

-How are you, nice to meet you.

0:38:300:38:33

-James.

-Hello, nice to meet you.

0:38:330:38:34

-Nice to meet you too.

-You've got lots of lovely stuff.

0:38:340:38:37

We have some brilliant things.

0:38:370:38:38

Where's the best place to start? Upstairs?

0:38:380:38:40

Upstairs then come back down, have a wander through,

0:38:400:38:42

-it's all the way through the back as well.

-Fabulous.

0:38:420:38:45

'They've still got almost £300 left, of course,

0:38:450:38:48

'unlike the competition upstairs.'

0:38:480:38:50

-Pretty chairs.

-But you see, yes, £115 for the two.

0:38:500:38:54

-No!

-It's not a lot, is it?

0:38:540:38:56

We wouldn't get the two, for 75, would we? No, 115.

0:38:560:38:59

But I mean, to be honest, let's have a little look at them,

0:38:590:39:02

what have we got?

0:39:020:39:03

I mean, they're French in style, aren't they?

0:39:030:39:07

What sort of date are they, '20s?

0:39:070:39:08

-D'you know, you're probably right, it's probably 1900 or so.

-Yes.

0:39:080:39:11

They've put late 19th century, so it's on that cusp.

0:39:110:39:14

They're very pretty.

0:39:140:39:15

Mike, what's the best, d'you think, on these two little chairs here?

0:39:150:39:20

Nice, those. Let's have a little... Oh!

0:39:200:39:23

-We wouldn't get them for 75, would we?

-For the two?

-Yeah.

0:39:230:39:27

It's £40 off, and that is about a 35% discount, which,

0:39:270:39:32

-even as welcome as you all are, is too much.

-Right.

0:39:320:39:36

95 is the very best.

0:39:360:39:37

Oh, then we can't buy them, cos we've only got 75.

0:39:370:39:40

I mean, you've only taken £20 off.

0:39:400:39:43

-No.

-I mean, for goodness' sake.

-That's true. That is very true.

0:39:430:39:46

-I mean, it's not very much.

-Look, even 20% would be £25,

0:39:460:39:50

would be £90.

0:39:500:39:52

What's really very, very difficult

0:39:520:39:54

is I thought we were going to get on.

0:39:540:39:57

CHRISTOPHER LAUGHS

0:39:570:39:58

He's tried his best. I think it's a measly effort but...

0:39:580:40:01

-It's not good enough.

-It's really not good enough.

-Get out.

0:40:010:40:04

'Steady!

0:40:040:40:06

'It is his shop

0:40:060:40:07

'but there's always that more affordable painting, chaps.

0:40:070:40:10

'What are Lesley and James on the lookout for?'

0:40:100:40:13

I think we want precious objects. I feel inspired by Waddesdon.

0:40:130:40:17

Inspired by where we've been.

0:40:170:40:19

-Oh, there's a lovely Sampson Mordan pencil.

-Where?

0:40:190:40:22

Oh, that's a mighty one. There in the desk hand there.

0:40:220:40:25

Does it actually come with the...?

0:40:250:40:27

-I don't know, shall we have a quick look?

-£22.

0:40:270:40:30

It's a bit tatty.

0:40:310:40:33

It's been actually used, this one.

0:40:330:40:35

125 for the desk hand.

0:40:350:40:37

It's not exotic enough.

0:40:370:40:39

'They're canny, these two, you know?

0:40:390:40:41

'Now, what's Mike got to show Christopher and Mark?'

0:40:410:40:44

-What's that cameo?

-That one there?

-I love...

0:40:440:40:46

-I think that looks rather sweet.

-It's very pretty.

0:40:460:40:48

And that is a cameo, Mike, isn't it?

0:40:480:40:50

Yes, it's a carved cameo.

0:40:500:40:53

It's quite sweet, isn't it?

0:40:530:40:54

I mean, cameos aren't particularly the flavour of the month but...

0:40:540:40:57

I think it is pinchbeck.

0:40:570:40:59

'An alloy of copper and zinc which looks a lot like gold.

0:40:590:41:03

'It's called pinchbeck after its London clockmaker inventor.'

0:41:030:41:07

You see it reminds me of my mother in I, Claudius.

0:41:070:41:12

Oh, of course.

0:41:120:41:13

And it can be yours for £15.

0:41:130:41:15

'Well, if that isn't reason enough to buy it, I don't know what is.'

0:41:150:41:19

That vintage cameo brooch, 20 quid.

0:41:190:41:22

-I know.

-It's real bling, isn't it?

0:41:220:41:24

'Suddenly, they're all the rage

0:41:240:41:26

'but I think the others are about to propose a deal on theirs,

0:41:260:41:29

'plus the painting, of course.'

0:41:290:41:32

-What are you saying?

-I'm waiting for the obvious question.

0:41:320:41:35

You know what I'm going to say because we've been absolutely

0:41:350:41:37

honest with you. We've got to offer what we've got, haven't we?

0:41:370:41:40

-Yes, we have.

-How much have you got?

-£75.

-And that's it.

0:41:400:41:43

We've then spent the entire 400.

0:41:430:41:46

I'll tell you what we'll do because this is a fine painting

0:41:460:41:49

and I don't really think it justifies being reduced too much.

0:41:490:41:52

I'm going to charge you £5 for that

0:41:520:41:55

and I'm going to charge you £70 for that to make your £75.

0:41:550:41:59

CHRISTOPHER SOBS

0:41:590:42:02

'Oh, really. Here we go again. Save it for your Widow Twankey!'

0:42:020:42:06

-Can I just say thank you very much, Mike?

-No, that's a pleasure.

0:42:060:42:09

-On behalf of both of us.

-That's a pleasure. Stop it, stop it!

0:42:090:42:12

-Oh, right, OK.

-I've never seen so much overacting in my life.

0:42:120:42:15

And he's doing the amateur theatricals tonight!

0:42:150:42:18

Well, I think you've just done it for him.

0:42:180:42:20

'Well, that really did bring the house down.

0:42:200:42:24

'Hey, they look a bit fishy.'

0:42:240:42:26

Gosh, I love these plates. Look.

0:42:260:42:28

-Oh, aren't they fun?

-Aren't they fantastic?

-So fish plates.

0:42:280:42:31

They're stunning, look at them.

0:42:310:42:34

Carp. They're very restrained, aren't they?

0:42:340:42:38

They are absolutely gorgeous.

0:42:380:42:42

55.

0:42:420:42:43

'Still no bling but they can certainly afford them.'

0:42:430:42:46

They're fine, aren't they? I think they seem to be all right.

0:42:460:42:49

-There's just one there with a chip.

-'Well, they are fish plates.'

0:42:490:42:52

If you cook and have a lot of dinner parties, I think these are divine.

0:42:520:42:56

I mean, I was thinking of buying them for myself,

0:42:560:42:59

-let's put it that way.

-Another little chip there.

-Is there?

0:42:590:43:02

I quite like, you know... It's space, isn't it?

0:43:020:43:05

They've just got one image.

0:43:050:43:07

-It's quite clever that.

-You can see what you'd do on them.

0:43:070:43:09

-Instead of being hectic.

-Shall we see what he'd do on these?

-Yeah.

0:43:090:43:12

-Mike!

-Coming.

0:43:120:43:14

'Don't worry, these two are less given to histrionics.'

0:43:140:43:17

-Michael!

-Hello.

0:43:170:43:19

-We've found these plates.

-Right.

0:43:190:43:21

Now there's a bit of a problem because two of them

0:43:210:43:23

-have got very tiny chips around the rim.

-Have they?

0:43:230:43:26

But I think they're actually rather nice and we're wondering...

0:43:260:43:29

I'm just wondering what the best on those would be.

0:43:290:43:31

What do you think would be a sensible offer?

0:43:310:43:34

I don't know, what do you think?

0:43:340:43:36

I think sort of 25, 30.

0:43:360:43:39

35, come on, chaps.

0:43:390:43:41

-Dealer has to make a living.

-Yeah.

0:43:420:43:45

To be fair to the dealer, 33.

0:43:450:43:48

They're unusual, they have a sort of a slightly modern look

0:43:480:43:52

but if I was a keen cook, I'd quite like those.

0:43:520:43:55

Mm. Shall we go? Shall we do it?

0:43:550:43:58

'Blimey, Lesley's determined, isn't she?'

0:43:580:44:01

Don't shake my hand, I'm not the man with the money.

0:44:010:44:04

-This lady with the money.

-Make it...

-BOTH:

-32.

0:44:040:44:07

-Thank you.

-OK, 32.

-32.

-I think they're nice, they're fun.

0:44:070:44:10

-I found those.

-Good. Well done.

-I found those.

-They're yours.

0:44:100:44:15

'Piscatorial platters purchased.

0:44:150:44:17

'It's time to take a cold-blooded look at their buys.'

0:44:170:44:22

Ooh!

0:44:220:44:23

-And...

-I like those.

-I like those.

0:44:230:44:26

-And...

-Ooh!

0:44:260:44:28

-What is this?

-Ooh, I love the frog.

-Do you like the frog?

-I...

0:44:280:44:31

Look at the frog.

0:44:310:44:34

-Oh, the frog is fabulous!

-Do you like him?

-I love him.

-He's bronze.

0:44:340:44:38

And you put your stamp on that table I notice.

0:44:380:44:42

-Mind you...

-And look, a little chair for Lesley!

0:44:420:44:46

Oh, it's gorgeous.

0:44:460:44:49

'How about another Lesley find?'

0:44:490:44:51

-I love these. I think these are gorgeous.

-Aren't they?

0:44:510:44:54

-Who were they made by?

-By Marks & Spencer. How interesting.

0:44:540:44:57

Lovely, it's their new range.

0:44:570:44:59

They're lovely, though, look at the quality,

0:44:590:45:01

look through the light, can't see a thing.

0:45:010:45:03

-I do think they're very pretty actually.

-Those are great.

0:45:030:45:06

-I love the table as well.

-Do you like it?

-That's very on trend.

0:45:060:45:10

-JAMES:

-On trend. On trend!

-Are we on trend? Are we cool?

0:45:100:45:14

'Highly unlikely but we can't rule it out,

0:45:140:45:17

'likewise this lot.'

0:45:170:45:19

-Ooh!

-Ooh!

0:45:190:45:21

-I love it.

-Oh, my word.

0:45:210:45:23

Oh, no, that is fairly outrageous.

0:45:230:45:25

This is Birds Of A Feather.

0:45:250:45:28

-There's three of you. There's you.

-There's Lesley in the middle.

0:45:280:45:31

-I love it.

-Now this, I just love this, I think it's beautiful.

0:45:310:45:36

-It is beautiful.

-And we paid quite a lot of money, though, for it.

0:45:360:45:39

-What did you pay?

-225?

-Yes.

0:45:390:45:42

'Straight face, you two.'

0:45:420:45:43

It's not signed Clarice Cliff but it's very much Wilkinson factory.

0:45:430:45:46

It's like Clarice Cliff but it's not...

0:45:460:45:49

-No, it's made by the Wilkinson factory.

-Is it?

0:45:490:45:51

-This shape is very Clarice Cliff.

-It's a great shape, isn't it?

0:45:510:45:54

-It's a wonderful shape.

-But, also, I think it's joyous.

0:45:540:45:56

-It is.

-I think the colour... JAMES:

-Joyous!

0:45:560:45:59

The other thing we love is this mid-20th century,

0:45:590:46:03

-1950s oil on board...

-That's nice, isn't it?

-..of Holland Park.

0:46:030:46:07

-Holland Park.

-I love that.

-No, that's lovely.

0:46:070:46:10

-And how much did you pay for that?

-That is very you.

-Very me.

0:46:100:46:13

That would hang in your house.

0:46:130:46:15

-And that, I saw the boar.

-Did you see the boar?

-Yes!

0:46:150:46:17

-Did you like it?

-I loved it.

0:46:170:46:20

-That is bronze.

-It is bronze.

-It is absolutely gorgeous.

0:46:200:46:24

I would buy that for me at home.

0:46:240:46:26

-I would buy it and also it's got such a lovely face.

-I love the face.

0:46:260:46:29

Beautiful. It's beautiful. Well, I have to say...

0:46:290:46:32

-I think we've done awfully well, all of us.

-We spent...

0:46:320:46:35

-How much?

-Every last penny.

-£400.

0:46:350:46:38

-Exactly?

-Exactly.

0:46:380:46:39

I wouldn't worry, if that's going to lose money,

0:46:390:46:41

that's going to make money in buckets, isn't it?

0:46:410:46:44

-I think this will make...

-I love it.

-I reckon that could absolutely fly.

0:46:440:46:48

'But what did they really think?'

0:46:490:46:51

I loved the frog.

0:46:510:46:53

-Oh, the frog is amazing.

-It's fantastic.

-And for 50 quid.

-I know.

0:46:530:46:56

-JAMES: That clock garniture with the pigeons...

-I know.

0:46:560:46:59

..if there's a pigeon racer, a pigeon fancier, they're going to love that.

0:46:590:47:02

Yeah, but if there's only one, you're going to need two or three.

0:47:020:47:05

-The pigeons were a scene stealer.

-Stole the show.

-They really were.

0:47:050:47:09

The lemonade set I think they will definitely lose money on it.

0:47:090:47:12

I think it's over-priced.

0:47:120:47:14

-I'm very proud we spent the entire £400 budget.

-Yes!

0:47:140:47:18

I don't think they've got the edge at all

0:47:180:47:20

because I think our things we paid so little for that I think

0:47:200:47:22

there's a good chance for a good profit on all of them.

0:47:220:47:25

'After starting out in Hertfordshire at Sawbridgeworth,

0:47:250:47:28

'our celebrities and experts will now wind up in west London

0:47:280:47:32

'for an auction at Chiswick.

0:47:320:47:33

'Famously home to the 18th century artist and satirist William Hogarth,

0:47:330:47:38

'Chiswick's name originates from the old English for cheese farm.

0:47:380:47:42

'I didn't know that.'

0:47:420:47:44

-We had a great couple of days.

-Yes, we did.

0:47:440:47:46

-And now it's raining.

-Is it?

0:47:460:47:49

And my hair will go into a frizz-ball

0:47:490:47:51

if we do not get there quite soon.

0:47:510:47:54

'Vitesse, eh, Christopher?'

0:47:540:47:57

-Hi.

-Hi!

-Hello, how are you?

-Hi, darling, you all right?

0:47:570:48:00

-How are you?

-Hello, Mark.

0:48:000:48:02

-Very exciting.

-Very exciting.

0:48:020:48:04

'Mm, naughty.

0:48:040:48:06

'Welcome to High Road Auctions for an evening sale of

0:48:060:48:09

'antiques, interiors and collectables.

0:48:090:48:11

'Let's hear what auctioneer Ross Mercer makes of their chances.'

0:48:110:48:15

The frog fountain, well, a great edition to any garden.

0:48:150:48:19

Once plumbed in, I think it's going to bring a lot of fun.

0:48:190:48:22

We hope that it's going to make at least £100, £150.

0:48:220:48:25

The cameo brooch is a wonderful example of Etruscan revival.

0:48:250:48:30

It is wonderful quality.

0:48:300:48:32

We should be looking about £80, £120.

0:48:320:48:35

Now the lemonade set,

0:48:350:48:37

you would've thought that it would've come from the factory

0:48:370:48:40

of Clarice Cliff, however, it is a later 20th century copy.

0:48:400:48:45

We hope that it's going to make at least £30 to £50.

0:48:450:48:49

'Oh, dear, that'll be a bit of a shock.

0:48:490:48:52

'Lesley and James bought five auction lots, spending just £137

0:48:520:48:56

'while Christopher and Mark spent all £400,

0:48:560:48:59

'mostly on one very expensive and risky lot. Gosh.

0:48:590:49:04

'So Greek tragedy or a complete farce, what is it to be?'

0:49:040:49:08

So what are you on? The running boar.

0:49:080:49:10

BOTH: The running boar.

0:49:100:49:11

-Is that paraphrased for something or...? Yes, us.

-Us.

0:49:110:49:15

'It's their very first purchase.'

0:49:150:49:18

There he is. Wouldn't want to get near him on a dark night, would you?

0:49:180:49:20

-No.

-Be nice.

0:49:200:49:23

-..£60.

-60!

-Straight in at five at 65.

0:49:230:49:27

70, may I say? 70. 75.

0:49:270:49:30

80 with you, sir. At £80 I am bid, stood in front at £80.

0:49:300:49:33

80, that's good.

0:49:330:49:35

-All done and selling.

-Come on. Come on!

0:49:350:49:37

THEY LAUGH

0:49:370:49:38

It's absolutely lovely by the bedside table.

0:49:380:49:41

Well, I'm so very sorry to sell this at £80 only.

0:49:410:49:45

You've made a profit.

0:49:450:49:46

What a bargain you got.

0:49:460:49:48

'Ha! A small profit which certainly gets their snouts in front.'

0:49:480:49:52

-Made a tenner.

-That's all right, a tenner.

0:49:520:49:54

Yeah, but after commission...

0:49:540:49:56

-Oh.

-That dreaded commission.

-Oh, you mean you do profit after commission?

0:49:560:50:01

-BOTH: Yes. After commission.

-We've lost a bit of...

0:50:010:50:05

Just like you and your agent.

0:50:050:50:07

THEY LAUGH

0:50:070:50:08

'A salutary lesson.

0:50:080:50:10

'Now, for one of Lesley's fine catches - the fish plates.'

0:50:100:50:14

-Monochrome.

-What does that mean?

-One colour. To you and I, black.

0:50:140:50:19

He's been looking in his book again.

0:50:190:50:21

-Beautifully decorated, a lot of interest. £40 I'm bid.

-Whoo!

0:50:210:50:25

Five straight in at 45. Bid 50 now, at £50.

0:50:250:50:28

-50.

-55, 60. Five, new buyer.

0:50:280:50:32

That's £65. Exceeding all expectations.

0:50:320:50:36

I know!

0:50:360:50:38

Last chance to get involved, at 65...

0:50:380:50:41

sold to you, sir.

0:50:410:50:42

-Very good, well done.

-'Quite a haul.

0:50:420:50:45

'With gilt-edged profits like that, they could well win.'

0:50:450:50:48

That's not too shabby, double money.

0:50:480:50:51

It's not terribly chic either but never mind.

0:50:510:50:54

'Time for Christopher and Mark's bargain cameo.

0:50:540:50:57

'The auctioneer rates it highly.'

0:50:570:50:59

-I've got bids here at £20.

-Oh!

-£20 but it seems pretty mean.

0:50:590:51:03

Coming in at five at 25, bid 30.

0:51:030:51:06

Five with you, madam, at £35 bid.

0:51:060:51:09

40 with you, sir, at £40. It seems cheap to me.

0:51:090:51:12

-It seems rather expensive to me.

-No further interest now at 40.

0:51:120:51:17

-Sold to you, sir, at £40.

-Well done.

0:51:170:51:19

'Eight times over. From cameo to star role.

0:51:190:51:23

'But what will the more expensive painting they bought with her make?'

0:51:230:51:27

-We loved this, didn't we?

-We did love this. You liked it, didn't you?

0:51:270:51:30

-I like it.

-I like it.

-We all like it.

0:51:300:51:32

'I like it too.

0:51:320:51:33

-'We just need some bidders now.'

-How do you value it?

0:51:330:51:36

Ought to be £30 to start.

0:51:360:51:38

£30 bid. 35 bid, 40.

0:51:380:51:42

£40 now left-hand side at 40.

0:51:420:51:45

With the lady at £40.

0:51:450:51:46

That's terribly cheap.

0:51:460:51:48

It is your bid, madam, at 40.

0:51:480:51:51

Sold to you at £40.

0:51:510:51:53

'Cor, she's got a nice painting for a very small price.

0:51:530:51:57

'Take care with Lesley's sharp little crocodile paper knife.'

0:51:570:52:00

-Some interest.

-Some interest.

0:52:000:52:03

£5 I'm bid, on the books at five.

0:52:030:52:05

-Five.

-£8 bid, ten.

0:52:050:52:08

£10 only, 12 may I say? Come along.

0:52:080:52:11

At £14. 16 now.

0:52:110:52:14

-Yes.

-16!

-£16 I'm bid on my left.

0:52:140:52:17

There's only a certain amount of people that need one.

0:52:170:52:20

Last chance, I'm going to sell it at £16 and breaking my heart.

0:52:200:52:24

TOGETHER: Very good.

0:52:240:52:25

'He looks happy enough.'

0:52:250:52:27

Well, I can see it was Lesley who found these interesting things.

0:52:270:52:30

-She did.

-Much better than your usual stuff.

-I know.

0:52:300:52:32

Normally, I make a loss so...

0:52:320:52:33

-You didn't tell me that when I joined up with you.

-'Gulp!

0:52:330:52:37

'Moving on, we have Christopher and Mark's pigeon clock garniture.'

0:52:370:52:41

Any pigeon fanciers out there? Now's your chance.

0:52:410:52:44

CHRISTOPHER IMPERSONATES PIGEON

0:52:440:52:46

Are we in a loft in here?

0:52:460:52:47

-Listen, don't go into animal noises, will you?

-We've had some interest.

0:52:470:52:52

At £50 I'm bid. May I say five at 55?

0:52:520:52:57

£55 bid, 60.

0:52:570:52:59

65 bid, 70.

0:52:590:53:01

And five at 75.

0:53:010:53:04

At 75 bid, 80. At £80 stood in front.

0:53:040:53:07

£80, I'm going to have to sell it now at 80 only.

0:53:070:53:11

Sold at £80.

0:53:110:53:13

'An amazing profit, chaps. Lofty you might say.

0:53:130:53:17

'Will the table that James unearthed earn the stamp of approval, though?'

0:53:170:53:21

All it needs is a bit of plate glass cos it's got a rather cheap...

0:53:210:53:25

-Perspex.

-..plastic, Perspex.

0:53:250:53:28

Rather cheap. You heard it here first.

0:53:280:53:32

At £10 I'm bid. £10. 15.

0:53:320:53:35

At 15 bid, 20 now.

0:53:350:53:37

20 bid. 25.

0:53:370:53:40

At 25 bid, 30. At £30.

0:53:400:53:43

-It's quite steady.

-It's a table.

0:53:430:53:46

You have to use your imagination. At 35. At £35 I'm bid, at 35.

0:53:460:53:51

All done, I've got to sell it now. At £35.

0:53:510:53:54

Internet, last chance.

0:53:540:53:56

-At 35...

-That's OK.

-35.

0:53:580:54:00

'Yeah, it's not bad, more profits,

0:54:000:54:03

'with Lesley's little chair to follow.'

0:54:030:54:06

It was perfect for you, wasn't it? You could sit on it beautifully.

0:54:060:54:10

Absolutely lovely.

0:54:100:54:11

Being a very small person.

0:54:110:54:13

What will you bid me? £10?

0:54:130:54:15

Which leg would you like for £10? £10 I'm bid. 15.

0:54:150:54:20

-15, bid 20, internet.

-20. 20. Go on.

0:54:200:54:23

15, I have.

0:54:230:54:25

20, a new place, 20 I have.

0:54:250:54:27

25. Bid 30. 30 bid. 35.

0:54:270:54:31

-£35, shakes his head at 35.

-Go on.

0:54:310:54:34

Last chance, I'm going to sell it now. Last chance. £35.

0:54:340:54:39

-Sold to you, sir.

-'Well, it's a profit before costs are deducted.

0:54:390:54:43

'But this is the big one.

0:54:430:54:45

'If Christopher's lemonade set gamble disappoints,

0:54:450:54:47

'then I think Lesley may have it.'

0:54:470:54:50

-A lot of interest here...

-Ooh, a lot of interest.

0:54:500:54:53

At £30.

0:54:530:54:54

Oh, a lot of interest starts at 30.

0:54:540:54:57

At 35, bid 40.

0:54:570:54:59

It'll go up, Christopher.

0:54:590:55:01

60. Five at £65.

0:55:010:55:03

At 65, I'm out.

0:55:030:55:05

That's not what I'd call a lot of interest, is it?

0:55:050:55:08

'This is not looking good.'

0:55:080:55:10

70 now. 75. 80.

0:55:100:55:14

Don't be put off at 85.

0:55:140:55:16

90 now, madam. £90.

0:55:160:55:19

-At 95 I have with the gentleman...

-100!

0:55:190:55:21

Make it 100 to you.

0:55:210:55:22

Last chance, otherwise I'm going to take the internet bid.

0:55:220:55:25

-£100 now to the internet.

-Come on.

0:55:250:55:28

-110. £110 I have.

-It's creeping up.

0:55:280:55:32

120. 130, sir? £130.

0:55:320:55:36

It should make a lot more than this.

0:55:360:55:38

-140. 150, sir?

-Ooh.

0:55:380:55:41

And if you're all sure, I've got to sell it now at £140.

0:55:410:55:44

-This is a bargain.

-It is a bargain, thank you, Christopher.

0:55:440:55:47

I'm furious with this room.

0:55:470:55:49

At £140, sold to the internet at 140.

0:55:490:55:52

'It did a lot better than the auctioneer expected

0:55:520:55:55

'but not quite enough for Christopher.'

0:55:550:55:57

-Obviously, people in Chiswick don't have lemonade.

-No.

0:55:570:56:00

LESLEY LAUGHS

0:56:000:56:02

'Now, for Lesley and James' frog find. Give us a kiss.'

0:56:020:56:06

-You bought this very well, didn't you? You only paid £50 for it?

-Yeah.

0:56:060:56:09

-Cheeky offer.

-We tried cheeky offers, they said no.

0:56:090:56:13

It's the massive frog that you've all been walking past.

0:56:130:56:16

Yeah. Great frog.

0:56:160:56:17

-£80 I'm bid on the books but it seems pretty mean at 80.

-Come on.

0:56:170:56:22

I want you to come in at five. At 85.

0:56:220:56:25

-90? 90 I have in the room.

-100.

0:56:250:56:28

-100 now...

-'Leaps and bounds.'

0:56:280:56:30

-At £110 I have.

-Come on.

-That's good, isn't it?

-At £110.

0:56:300:56:34

-Come on, the internet.

-Internet, we've got...

0:56:340:56:37

-120!

-120, at £120...

0:56:370:56:40

-Blimey.

-130 in the room, at 130 now.

-Yes!

0:56:400:56:44

-At £130, it is your bid, sir, at 130.

-Come on.

0:56:440:56:48

£140, it's leaping away. He's shaking his head at £140.

0:56:480:56:54

At £140 with fair warning...

0:56:540:56:57

sold to the internet...

0:56:570:56:59

-Well done.

-Well done.

-That was all right.

0:56:590:57:01

'Cor, he turned out to be a handsome prince after all.'

0:57:010:57:05

-Thank you, internet.

-Thank you, internet.

0:57:050:57:07

-You have Lesley now thanking the internet.

-Yes.

0:57:070:57:10

140, we're happy with that, we're not greedy people, are we?

0:57:100:57:13

No, not at all.

0:57:130:57:15

'So, thanks to some shrewd buys and not one loss,

0:57:150:57:18

'Lesley and James have done very well indeed.'

0:57:180:57:21

- We're all very clever. - You are clever.

0:57:220:57:25

-What are we?

-What?

-We're not clever.

0:57:250:57:27

'Christopher and Mark began with £400 and after paying auction costs,

0:57:270:57:32

'they made a loss of £88.40, leaving them with £311.60.

0:57:320:57:38

'Whilst Lesley and James, who also started out with £400, made,

0:57:390:57:43

'after paying auction costs, a profit of £101.62.

0:57:430:57:48

'So, they're today's victors with £501.62.

0:57:480:57:53

-'All profits, of course, go to Children In Need.'

-What an evening.

0:57:530:57:56

Now, I have the news you've all been waiting for.

0:57:560:58:00

-Sadly, you've lost.

-Oh, no!

0:58:000:58:02

THEY LAUGH

0:58:020:58:04

-No, no, no. I'm afraid, Mark, we lost £90.

-No.

0:58:040:58:09

-Whereas Lesley and James, you made £100.

-Yeah!

-Fantastic.

0:58:090:58:16

- Brilliant, well done, James. - Lesley.

0:58:160:58:19

-What can I say?

-Fabulous.

0:58:190:58:21

I'll tell you, though, the whole experience,

0:58:210:58:24

it's been wonderful, especially the lunches and the dinners.

0:58:240:58:26

-They've been fantastic.

-Yeah, the rest of it was rubbish.

0:58:260:58:29

-Come on, bye-bye.

-Let's go.

0:58:290:58:31

BOTH: # On with the show. #

0:58:310:58:36

Thank you, thank you.

0:58:360:58:38

Actors Lesley Joseph and Christopher Biggins battle in a competition for antique glory around Essex and Buckinghamshire. Christopher and his expert Mark Stacey stake their antique competition on one high-risk purchase and Lesley is delighted to come face to face with an exquisite and unique artefact.