Episode 9 Celebrity Antiques Road Trip

The nation's favourite celebrities...

-Just want to touch bass!

-..paired up with an expert...

-Boo!

-Ha!

..and a classic car.

-No hands.

-Their mission, to scour Britain for antiques.

My office, now!

The aim, to make the biggest profit at auction, but it's no easy ride.

CREAKING

Who will find a hidden gem?

-HONK

-I like that.

-Who will take the biggest risk?

-This could end in disaster.

Will anybody follow expert advice?

But I love this.

Why would you buy something you're not going to use?

There will be worthy winners and valiant losers.

No, I don't want to shake hands.

-Put your pedal to the metal.

-Let me get out of first gear.

This is the Celebrity Antiques Road Trip.

Yeah!

On air in this antiques road trip

are two gents with long careers in the fourth estate,

broadcasters John Sergeant and Peter White.

They are travelling in a sweet 1961 Morris Minor convertible,

manufactured before seat belts were compulsory,

so they're not wearing any. Seat belts, that is.

I haven't driven a car like this for more than 40 years.

We had one like this with my wife, the first car we bought,

we were terribly proud of it, and...

I had no idea...

-Good gear change.

-Oh, gosh, if I'd done that.

-At least you can hear them all, though!

Modern cars are quite boring for blind people, because they just purr along,

nothing much happens. Whereas driving with you is very exciting.

Peter's mellifluous tones will be familiar to Radio 4 listeners from

programmes such as You and Yours and In Touch.

Blind since birth, Peter began his broadcasting career at Radio Solent

before becoming the BBC's correspondent on disability affairs.

-Peter White, BBC News.

-Passionate about sport,

he's a regular reporter from the Paralympics.

Reporters, we're competitive, aren't we?

But I'm very competitive as well, I've already won a cooking prize,

I've also won a stand-up with various other BBC notables, stand-up comedy,

the assumption there was I think that I got the sympathy vote but I don't

think that's true, I think I was much funnier than all of them.

Peter's rival, John Sergeant,

first appeared on screen in 1966 with Alan Bennett in the comedy series

On The Margin.

A newspaper, radio and TV journalist,

he became chief political editor at the BBC,

where he had some memorable encounters.

Mrs Thatcher, could I ask you to comment?

Good evening, good evening.

-Where's the microphone?

-It's here.

-This is the microphone.

-I'm actually very pleased that I got more than

half the Parliamentary party.

He regularly presents TV documentaries and features and is still,

nine years on, fondly remembered for his moves on Strictly Come Dancing.

I wasn't allowed to do that!

I can't be allowed to win, can I,

it would be wrong, it would be bad, Peter, it would be,

well, it would be immoral, wouldn't it?

Because you have this unfair advantage

-of being able to see!

-Yes.

-I'm suspicious that this will be a double bluff,

and because everybody will assume that the blind person is going to win

out of sympathy or whatever it is, and then, and then,

what will happen is, out of the blue, guess what, John Sergeant,

who can see these antiques, wins!

-He wins, a double twist.

-A double twist.

Lost me, there. Over to our antiques double twist now,

James Braxton and Phil Serrell, travelling in a 1980 MG BGT.

I fear for you, Philip.

Why is that?

They're brainy. They're top broadcasters.

What are you trying to say, James?

I'm worried that your old grey matter is up to it.

Well, I've had a word with the one grey cell and I think we're going to

-be on form.

-Oh, you're going to be on form, are you?

-What about you, though?

-I'm fine, because I can employ many, many words.

My lexicon is fully maintained by constant study and readership of PG Wodehouse.

Which is as good a qualification for this programme as any!

You've got command of the language.

So, you can describe things, can't you, and that can be impressive.

I shouldn't play it down too much, I mean touch is quite important,

because part of the pleasure of a lot of antiques is the feel of them.

Whether that enables me to value anything is another question,

because you can only say what the value is to you.

Indeed!

-Time to rendezvous.

-Look at this, very stately,

two senior veteran broadcasters approaching.

Here come the boys, here come the boys.

What a very smooth motion.

Well done!

Are we all right there?

Very good, very nicely done.

Here we are, we get out, if we can get this to work.

James and Phil, meet John and Peter.

Look, we're a team, aren't we?

In the metaphors of sport, we're a small one.

We are small, but we're incredibly powerful.

-We are powerful.

-Shall we just go and show them how it's done.

Yeah, let's.

I think I oughta drive.

You can drive, until we get into the country.

OK, fine.

Let me show you the way.

Duly paired up, they are ready to hit the road.

Are you a collector of anything antique?

No, but I have a little bit of a

-weakness for, sort of, sailing things.

-OK, OK.

So, you know, telescopes,

I always imagine you are in that silly world where you are trying to pretend

that you are a great captain.

So it's barnacles, it's...

Knots.

All that sort of nonsense.

-Stuffed fish.

-Stuffed fish, nautical.

I have a weakness for all that stuff.

OK. Well, let's see if we can satisfy that weakness.

Stuffed fish, eh?

I wonder what Peter is interested in netting.

Two things I'd like - I do like tactile things, obviously,

I love rounded shapes.

That's why you're with me.

And the other thing of course I like are things that make a noise.

-You like things that make a noise?

-I like music boxes.

It's a bit specific, though, isn't it?

We've got to beat this John Sergeant.

Yes, you do, with £400 each in their pockets,

our teams are sallying south of the River Thames and touring the B-roads

and byways of Surrey, before tootling to auction in Windsor.

John and James are starting the road

trip on the south bank of the Thames,

in the Surrey town of East Molesey.

I always think it's a good sign when the stock spills onto the street.

At the first shop, Hampton Court Emporium,

a veritable cornucopia of antique delights await our treasure hunters.

I do like this.

-Look at this.

-What's that?

Have you got granddaughters?

-Not yet, no.

-When you have, you want them to want something like this.

Now, they may not like it,

they might want something that goes whizz and bubbly bubbly and be

electronic, but you see, for a grandparent, that's lovely,

Vintage travelling sewing kit.

How industrious, how sweet.

I like the idea of giving that to a granddaughter.

That would be lovely, wouldn't it. These are unusual, you see,

you've got thread wound round card there.

But these were things like thread crosses,

it was thrift, you could save thread, wind it around there.

What about the price, though?

-25...

-Doesn't seem a lot to me.

No, I think we can probably...

What is the case like?

Is that leather or plastic?

It feels like leather.

Feels like leather, looks like leather, therefore, is leather.

We might take that, and, you never know, we might secure it for 15.

Or ten.

-Ten even.

-Ten would be wonderful, wouldn't it?

-Ten.

I hope! For a first shop, ten would be amazing.

Back in the MG, Peter and Phil are talking tactics.

I'm not very good at bargaining,

I always feel sorry for people who are selling things.

It's not going to be any use to you, is it.

No, but what is interesting for me working with you,

I'm a great believer that your

fingertips tell you as much as your eyes

-do.

-Does it help you value it, though? That's the thing.

-If you want to help value it, you got the wrong bloke with you.

-Oh, really?

He jests. Worry not, Peter. Have the others found anything of value?

Lots of curios everywhere, aren't there?

That's good, I like those, the Great Exhibition...

It still fills me with something - I don't mean pride,

what's it got to do with me, but it's still an amazing structure in Hyde Park,

you think of it there, the biggest at that time in the world.

We must not forget, what was built off the back of it,

the Victoria and Albert Museum,

National History Museum, the Albert Hall...

But also it's the idea that

you know, we are the country of the Industrial Revolution and we're going

to show it off and we're going to show off all the things we can make now.

It's not a reprint, John, is it?

Doesn't look like that to me, I think that this is...

If that's not a reprint, that's a fabulous item.

It's only £18, isn't it?

That's nothing.

That doesn't seem to be... it's got a nice frame.

You're handling history and a winner.

I love it, buy it.

Very decisive. Let's talk to Valerie. Valerie!

Don't say it's a good item.

Hello, gentlemen.

Right, well, we've got a selection.

You found something.

It's, I'm afraid, disappointing when it comes to price.

Oh, dear.

We like it but we're worried about giving you too much money.

That's an unusual approach, John, isn't it?

-What I've noticed Valerie, it's been cut out, hasn't it, from its original thing...

-Oh, yes, it has.

..and then just laid on a later thing here.

Might that affect the price?

I'll phone the gentlemen up and find out what he will do.

Just say, you want to help this poor, rather difficult person, who...

I shall tell him.

-I'll make a phone call and see what we can do.

-Plead.

What would you be happy paying for that?

-The trouble is, I'd be very happy to pay the price that's on it.

-Shh!

What, but...

Is that the problem?

Have I said something wrong?

-No, no, it's a game. Remember, it's a game.

-Right.

But is the dealer playing?

They would love to know what your best price is.

£12.

-12!

-12.

Did you say John Sergeant?

She did, it's a deal at £12.

What about that present for a granddaughter that John liked?

The sewing case, priced at £25.

What could you do, Valerie, without your head being chopped off.

Without my head being chopped off, I could do 20.

Worth every penny. 20.

-I think so.

-Two items for a total of £32, an excellent start.

Nice flowers.

John, John, two fine, fine purchases,

I think we deserve lunch and I can smell it.

-Lunch?

-Over there.

Bon appetit, chaps!

Meanwhile, before their shopping commences,

Phil is taking his journalist on a special sporting assignment,

which should please Peter.

If you could have been any sportsman of any era, who would you have been?

Do you know, I love boxing.

Ali.

-Ali.

-I wouldn't have wanted to be Ali,

because I can't imagine being somebody like that.

But he's the greatest sportsman of the 20th century.

I think he probably is.

But I'd want to be...

Who remembers Terry Downes?

All-action Cockney middleweight fighter.

-Slugger.

-I would have liked to have been Terry Downes.

Well, that's a good answer, one I wasn't expecting.

There'll be no fighting today, however, or it just wouldn't be cricket.

Our chaps are heading off to Chertsey,

in the borough of Runnymede,

and one of the country's most historic cricket clubs,

to meet club historian, Martin Allen.

So, how old is Chertsey club, then?

We've been playing here just 100 years

but the club can trace itself back to 1737,

so there is the friendliest of rivalries between clubs as to which is the

oldest but we must be one of the oldest five, six,

seven cricket clubs in the entire world.

But there's some lovely stories of teams from Hambledon coming up to

Chertsey. Of course in those days, horse and cart, take two or three days to get here,

they'd have their game, they'd then play, and they'd take two or three days to get home.

Sounds like a great trip to me.

And they would play for winnings.

20 guineas, 50 guineas, 100 guineas.

Why don't you come and look at the square

and see what the wicket looks like.

I'd love to stick my finger in the ground and see how it is.

You can be the moisture meter!

The club is very proud of one of its early cricketers,

who came to be known as the first great bowler in the history of the game.

His name? Edward "Lumpy" Stevens. Don't you love it?

Nobody quite knows where he got his nickname from.

It was either to do with some warts on his face,

which is a little unkind,

or it was to do with his prodigious

appetite or to do with the fact that in those

days there was no preparation of the wicket like there is here.

The bowler would go out and pick where the wicket was going to be pitched,

and he would always pick out somewhere with lumps on it.

Because he wanted to play somewhere where it would be in his favour.

He was born, nobody knows exactly, that's records in those days,

1735 or so, but was playing for Chertsey between 1756 and 1790,

that sort of time.

How did the game look, presumably it was very different then.

Totally different, almost unrecognisable from today.

There was no standard size of the bat, length of the bat,

width of the bat, and one of the big changes was in those days,

there were two stumps only and one solid bail.

And "Lumpy" Stevens was part of the revolution that that brought around,

because in a famous game, he was bowling to John Small,

who was recognised as the best batsman in the country, in those days.

And three times in Small's innings,

Lumpy bowled the ball that went through the gap between the two stumps.

And of course, he wasn't out.

-Because it hadn't dislodged the bail?

-Lumpy, being a very competitive cricketer,

was furious at that fact.

The lawmakers in those days met in the Star and Garter pub in Pall Mall

and said, we need a third stump.

And so the third stump was decreed to be part of the wicket,

and the very first game, where the third stump was played,

at Laleham Burway, which is a couple of miles down the river from here,

on the fifth of September, 1776, between Chertsey and Hambledon.

And we here at Chertsey now have our bar that's called The Third Stump.

Peter has loved cricket since he was a boy and played at school.

It was a blind school, so they were all blind teams.

We did run, so you've got two blind people running in opposite directions

from each other, and I took

a single and I thought there was a quick second if I turned fast.

I turned, ran back, ran straight into the blind wicketkeeper,

who had come out from behind to pick up the ball, broke me nose!

-Good Lord!

-But I went off,

got treated and came back and completed my innings, with a broken nose.

-Did you win the game?

-We did, and I got from five to ten,

with a broken nose.

Ouch! Time for the chaps to take a turn.

Blind cricket is played using an ordinary cricket bat,

and a ball which emits a bell like sound.

Shot! I think that's four runs, that, Peter.

-Ready?

-Yeah.

MUSIC: Soul Limbo by Booker T And The MGS

-Good shot!

-That's a great shot.

While Peter and Phil are having a great innings in Chertsey,

John and James are heading east,

to the Kingston Antiques Centre for more sport of the antiques kind.

The lemon curd has arrived.

And look at this spread of goodies.

Ah, isn't this lovely, so much variety, isn't there?

Oh, this is nice, look at this. This is journalists' heaven.

Did you use a typewriter?

-Of course I did!

-Really?

No, the last one I bought was in 1980,

because I had to write a script for a film, for a documentary,

and I had a typewriter like this, and I thought, "Now I have made it."

-I had to learn...

-To touch-type.

-..to touch-type.

Because that meant you were a tough reporter and knew what you were

doing. It didn't matter if you were typing correctly,

you were making this lovely noise.

You're right, it is a lovely noise.

-And it is. And it meant that you...

-And then that gentle ting.

And "ting". And then you'd do that, as a, Oh, well, we've got to.

And you wouldn't look at the keys,

you'd make sure that other people were looking,

cos they could see that you could in fact touch type.

£65, do you want to buy it?

No, this to me... This to me looks modern.

I mean it's absurd, isn't it?

Come on, we need to move on, John.

We want bargains.

-Bargains.

-Yes, plenty here for your delectation.

Well, this is all women's stuff isn't it?

I don't follow it.

-It's all a mystery.

-Jewellery.

You can imagine, my wife, "Oh, yes, I like that".

And you try and show an interest,

but frankly...

-"What colour?"

-I know.

Oh, well, that's the jewellery out of the window, then!

While these gents look for something a bit more masculine,

Peter and Phil are catching up.

They got here before us, that's really annoying.

-How did they beat us?

-I dunno, they must have driven quicker, I think.

Peter, this is not a race, you know.

No, but it is a competition, and Peter's keen.

-Oh, now, Peter. Do you like music?

-I do.

-Peter, what

we've got... He's got a 1930s Columbia record player.

-This is heavy, Peter.

-Is it? Well, they were, weren't they.

That kind of equipment, everything was heavy in those days.

Columbia, that's a good make, isn't it?

-That is a good name.

-Can you feel it?

This is so perfectly...

The old shellac record.

-It's a bit dusty.

-Yeah, it's a lot dusty.

-Has it got a needle?

-Let's see if we can make it spin.

Oh, Peter, are you in the mood?

-Is this Mantovani?

-I don't know who it is.

I think we're going at about 30-and-a-half, not 33, here, Peter!

-Will I wind it up a bit more.

-Actually, can I wind it?

Let me wind it, I love these things.

-Absolutely love them.

-Do you?

Bing Crosby.

-Got to be.

-More like "Bung" Crosby.

At 150 "founds", perhaps not the sound of a winner.

Moving on... Meanwhile, what manly things are attracting John and James?

Now, A lot of this may be junk but some of it is nice, isn't it?

-It is nice.

-It's just nice, attractive.

-Ceramics, lots of glass and China.

I like that.

Shall I? I'll pass it out, John.

-Look at that.

-Never trust a handle.

What do you mean, never trust a handle?

Oh, you mean, the handle might fall off?

I think, first of all, you always pick it up by its body.

It's got a lovely body, nice shape, isn't it?

It's heavy. What I like about it.

It's got a touch of me about that, that body.

Yes. But also it's very much more a touch of,

you're in the Mediterranean,

you're by the beach.

You see this.

You work out that "aqua" means water, so it makes you feel better -

and you think, "Oh, I'd like to take that home."

I just think it's lovely.

It's got holiday, it's got Mediterranean, it's got sunshine,

-and I want it.

-You're dead right about the Mediterranean because this

tin-glazed earthen ware...

This tin... It's a tin oxide that you get this white from -

was all over the Mediterranean.

In Spain it was called Hispano-Moresque,

and in Italy it was called maiolica.

We called it in Britain majolica.

It's not terribly old, John.

It's definitely this century.

And £98.

-Wow!

-£98 of happiness.

£98 of happiness.

Possibly, £40 for happiness, John.

-Even happier happiness.

-Even happier happiness.

-All right. Shall we try?

-If we got it at 40,

you could afford to fill that with wine.

Shall we go and see the man?

Let's do it. This is time for awkward silences.

Oh, yes. Time to go. Hello.

-Hello.

-It's got a nice echo, hasn't it?

-It's wonderful.

-Sounds like the Mediterranean.

Ah! Viva, l'Italia.

Who do we have here?

The opposition. Right.

-John...

-You'll want to know what we've been up to.

-Of course we do.

-We're not going to tell you.

That's... You crept upon us.

We have. I certainly wouldn't bother with that.

Well, we are not going to bother with that actually.

What have you bought then, James?

-Many treasures, haven't we?

-Yes. Amazing!

-And how have you done?

-I'm actually not prepared to divulge.

Fair enough.

On to David at the counter.

-David...

-£98 - that seems a lot.

-Yeah.

-That seems a lot of money for a water...

An old water jug.

The best price I can give you is 88.

I can take 10% off.

In bingo terms, two fat ladies.

Two fat ladies?

-88.

-88. But what about two thin ladies?

Can't you just come a bit more towards us?

One fat, one round.

80.

For you, John, I'll do 80.

I like that. I'd like it more if it was 40.

Now, look, we've got to settle.

OK. Thanks very much.

-Thank you.

-Let me give you £80.

Thank you very much, John.

OK, well, thank you.

-Thank you, David.

-Thank you, James.

-Thank you.

-It's marvellous.

There'll be one very cheery antiques dealer...

I hope so.

..at this emporium tonight, won't there?

Indeed. Now, any advance on a stuck record?

There's dealer David again.

-It's a Pye.

-Turntable.

It's the black box hi-fi. 1950s.

It is exactly like one I used to have.

It's got real, sentimental value for me.

It's got that arm with the little clip on that clips across.

I would...

If Phil will let me, I may even overrule Phil, actually.

The ticket price is £125.

-I'll do it for 50.

-Would you do it for 50?

Just because it's you, I'll do it for 50.

Right, done. I don't care what Phil says.

-Did you hear that, Phil?

-PHIL COUGHS

Oh, dear.

Your services were not required, Phil.

But that concludes the day's shopping.

I've think you've probably done better off without me than you have with me.

Time for our teams to retire and recharge their batteries for tomorrow.

Nighty-night.

It's a new day and our quartet of curio-enthusiasts are raring to go

in search of auction gold.

Just how are our esteemed broadcasters rising to the challenge?

All journalists have a ruthless side, don't they?

Oh, yes. One of the things we did buy, I did drive them down.

And I said, "Right, I'm going to do that whether Phil likes it or not."

Oh, right. Well, I find with James that I think he's trying to stiffen me

a bit. So, I...

Of course I then tend to go to the other extreme and want him to dig in.

I can't believe that you would be... like that, John.

And how are our venerable experts finding their proteges?

What was John like with the old bargaining?

He's quite adept.

He can read people's minds.

I think everybody's a bit of an open book to him.

Peter... He's a smiling assassin.

I felt kind of sorry for the dealer in a way because he didn't know that

Peter had whipped his trousers down before he bought the thing.

Peter... He is.

He's got that lovely, boyish, charming smile.

-Yeah.

-Before you know where it is... he was good, really good.

-He's good.

-You see, I've got a hunch that you've bought more than I have.

I don't know. You were rather smug, I thought.

I want to give the impression that I know what I'm doing.

Well, you succeeded. I did think you knew what you were doing.

So far, John and James have spent £112 on an engraving of

the Great Exhibition of 1851, a leather-cased sewing kit,

and an Italian maiolica water jug, leaving them £288 to spend.

Oh!

Well... Did you say John Sergeant?

While Peter and Phil spent £50 on the 1950s Pye record player,

which means they still have £350 in their piggy bank.

Done! I don't care what Phil says.

Did you hear that, Phil?

-Oh, he's here.

-Time to partner up.

Perfect. Very good.

Hello. Now, don't get too comfortable, John.

-Lovely to see you.

-Why?

-I think we've got to rush off and get antique-y.

Action.

Seats swapped, Tally Ho.

We must eschew the smaller item today.

Yeah, we've done the smaller items, little bits and pieces.

I want something big and impressive now.

-Chunky.

-Chunky.

Something I can be proud of.

Yeah.

And will East Molesey be the place to find that treasure?

Well, it's raining cats and dogs, so,

John and James will be glad to get indoors at Bridge Road Antiques,

-to seek their fortune.

-Interesting window, John.

So, we've got a lot of sort of Chinese figures here that have been

converted into lamp bases.

-Does it matter that I wouldn't want to live with any of these?

-It

doesn't matter, no.

Because, don't worry, there are two billion Chinamen who do.

So, what might our Englishmen fancy this morning?

So, you put something in there, press it down, turn the handle...

Out comes the old mince.

I wonder how much that is.

£58.

Mm. That's an expensive Bolognese.

Sue, we noticed the things in the window there.

-Yep.

-We quite like the sort of Chinese figure with the elephant.

How long have you had these in the shop for?

Not very long, actually.

Probably about two weeks.

-Two weeks. Two, three weeks.

-Right.

You don't like it, do you?

Well... It just looks, to me, sinister,

and not the kind of thing you'd want to live with.

Do you want to take the shade off?

I might just... Do you mind if I took that shade off?

No, I don't mind if you can.

-Yeah.

-Well, it looks a bit better.

With that off, it might look even better.

All this is elephant.

There's some sort of child.

This Devil, because he does look a devil to me, he looks pretty grim.

This is Chinese immortal, Li Tieguai,

pictured as a bad-tempered beggar.

Probably imported at the turn of the 20th century,

these carvings are now prized amongst Chinese antiques collectors and

often make their way home. That's the theory anyway.

How much did you say again it was?

-£60.

-£60!

I think 50 would be a fair price.

Really?

-What do you think, Sue?

-It's a price.

What do you mean it's "A price"?!

-Is it fair?

-OK. It'll be fine.

-All right. OK.

-You can blame me if it doesn't make any money.

Oh, that's good. I like the idea of blaming you.

-Blame me.

-You can carry it and I don't ever have to ever see it again.

-No.

So... Good...

..bad or ugly? Time will tell.

Now, I wonder if there's something they can both agree on.

Right. I like that.

-Oh!

-That's nice. That's a wherry.

-Right.

-That, um...

It's like... It's a sailing barge.

-OK.

-And it'll be...

I should imagine that would be Norfolk.

-I'll bring it down, John.

-Yeah.

Oh, it's got some weight.

Is that good?

I'm not sure it counts with a painting.

It's a lot of paint on it.

-It's nice.

-This is the wherry.

-OK.

-It also reminds you of happy times.

-Yeah.

-I think that's rather jolly.

A lot of people would like that.

You think of all those people who go on holiday in Norfolk.

Life on the Broads.

-Life on the Broads.

-There doesn't seem to be a ticket on it, must be free.

What do you think for price, though?

Can we talk?

What's the price?

-Well...

-For us we're talking about.

-For you...

-We're not just anyone, we're talking about us.

John's price.

-What do you think about us? And how we come across.

-£45.

45... Well, look.

What if we said £40?

-What do you think?

-Go on, then.

40. Let's shake the lady's hand.

-OK.

-Because we're all in to happiness and everything.

Really kind. I think we've bought two very nice items.

-Excellent.

-Our work is done here.

The picture of success.

Well done, chaps.

With one purchase under their belt so far,

how are Peter and Phil feeling about the day ahead?

You've got one item bought and you spent 50 quid, so we've got £350 left.

-Yeah.

-Any plans?

I have to warn you that money rather burns a hole in my pocket.

-Oh, lord. Really?

-It may not be the right thing to tell you.

-Are you extravagant?

-Well, it's just that if I want something,

then I tend to go for it.

On then to their second shop of the trip.

Ready to get digging and root out the seeds of auction success.

Any hardy perennials looking promising?

Peter, I'm not sure if I've succeeded or failed, my friend.

-Mm hm.

-But I'm going to take this stopper out.

Stopper. That's a bit of a clue.

And I'm going to hand you that.

Right. I love the feel of that.

Have a good feel of that stopper as well, my friend.

I think that's got a bit of shape and form as well.

Oh, right.

I like these. Um, partly because they contain one of my favourite liquids.

-Which is?

-That's a decanter.

Whisky is the...

The thing is, I

haven't got one of these. I normally, er...

Just pour it out of the bottle.

It's curvy. It's smooth.

It's got a nice weight to it.

-Yeah.

-And a sort of almost a swan neck, perhaps not quite as thin as that.

That's priced at £36, Peter.

-Mm.

-I'd like to try and buy it for 20 quid, if we could.

-I know you would.

-That looks like a probable purchase.

What else might pique Peter's interest?

I'll tell you what I would be interested in. Is there any toys?

Something a bit different,

maybe it makes a noise.

-That's not essential.

-If you want something to make a noise,

you should have gotten James Braxton.

Right. Well, if you can find me some...

-Right, I'll go and have a look, Peter.

-Mr Serrell is on the case.

I've got three little things here I'd like you to have a look at.

-OK.

-The first one...

-Mm-hmm.

-It's in your hands now and you've got a key there, Peter.

-Goodness me.

-That you can turn.

-What's that?

-There are two circles - two circles in a figure of eight.

-Yeah.

-And each circle's got a little train on it.

You can feel the little train there?

-Yeah.

-There's two tunnels.

What, through there? Yeah.

And the little trains just go round and round and round in a circle.

So, if I start... If you take your hands off now, and I press the

-start button.

-It's rather cute.

It's quite sweet. That is priced at 25 quid.

You might be bored with it after about half an hour.

-Less than that.

-Less than that.

Yeah. It looks to me like it's ten quid's worth.

-Yeah.

-OK, but you never know.

Let's put that down.

-Yeah.

-Right, Peter, we've got a

little fluffy dog.

See if you can feel the fluffy dog.

Aww.

-Do you like him?

-He's cute.

That, Peter, is priced at £42.

-Is it?

-Yeah.

-No!

That's clearly missed the mark, hasn't it?

-Let's put that one down.

-I like his collar.

-Do you?

I've got another thing here for you, which I'm going to wind up.

OK. I mean, I like that, but...

Right. Right.

-What's that?

-That's a donkey's tail.

They don't wag their tails.

This one does.

-You hold him.

-Let me take the dog.

You got a donkey that wags...

Nods its head and wags his tail.

So, out of the three toys, which is your favourite?

-The donkey. How much are they asking?

-If I can get it off you.

-Do you know?

-Well, they're asking £45.

-Are they?

-I love it.

He's got it straight... That sharp intake.

Sharp intake of breath.

I love the way he wags his tail.

But the lady's here who owns that.

-So we might be able to get a deal.

-Oh, is she?

Yeah. Hang on, let me get my white stick out.

Get that smile going as well, Peter.

-Get that winning smile going, all right?

-Right, which way do we go?

-That way?

-OK, let me just take you by the hand, my friend. OK.

-OK.

Time for a charm offensive.

-Valerie, this is Peter.

-Hi, Valerie.

-Hello, nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too. There are two things that I am interested in.

As for the decanter,

I'd like to offer 25.

25. I'll make a little telephone call and find out...

Would it help if Peter spoke to her?

Probably. We'll have a go.

-You could schmoozle, couldn't you?

-I can try. OK.

There's the telephone.

Yeah. OK.

Hello, Sally.

I'm Peter White.

At 36 it is a bit above my price.

You'd go to, would you go to 25?

You've got a deal.

25 I can do.

That's about the top of my range but I'll do 25.

All right, Sally. Thank you very much indeed.

Nice to talk to you too.

Thank you. Bye.

Do you want a proper job doing this all the time?

Steady, Phil, or he'll have yours.

Hee-haww.

I do like the donkey, I must admit.

He's very cute. But it's over 40.

I can't do that. Can I offer you 20 for it?

20's a bit too little really.

I think I'd probably prefer around 30.

30? I'll go up to 22.50.

Oh, well, let's meet in the middle. 25.

25...

Breaks my heart but...

I'll include the key for free.

You're a silver-tongued woman.

OK, 25?

-Yes.

-There you go.

That's the way to do it.

-£10 change.

-Total spent, £50.

Now, trot off.

Well, time and tide wait for no man and John and James are heading for

Surbiton and a trip on the River Thames

that should particularly appeal to John.

As Oscar Wilde said in The Importance of Being Ernest,

he said every man should have a hobby.

What's yours, John?

No, I do. I suppose my favourite hobby is sailing but that does not imply

that I'm any good at it.

If things go wrong,

and it's real, you can,

you could kill yourself quite easily with a sailboat.

You can drown, yes.

Hopefully, it will all be plain sailing today in Surbiton at the oldest

river sailing club in the country, established in 1870 by rich

gentlemen who wanted to race on the Thames for pleasure.

They were able to achieve technologies which ultimately resulted in the

A Rater, the fastest yacht on the river.

And today John and James will be setting sail in one.

First, though, time to muster with club Commodore, Miles Palmer, for a crew

briefing and maybe a pint.

So, tell me what exactly is an A Rater.

OK, an A Rater is a dinghy with three people crewing it -

a helm, a mid-hand and a jib-hand.

It's about 26 foot long with a 45-foot mast.

-A great big mast.

-Very tall,

and it's designed to catch the wind above the trees really, high up,

because generally on a river the wind is pretty poor low down.

So it's quite unique in terms of its dimensions.

It's designed to be very fast.

-That's the point.

-The A Raters were developed by the members of the club,

and now the A Rater is integral to the club's

survival, really.

We sell other boats but the pinnacle of the sailing at this club

-is Thames A Raters.

-Well, the sail's being hoisted on this 1930s A Rater called Vagabond,

and our chaps are ready to try her out.

Now, when we're leaning back like this, Miles,

this is part of the history of this boat, isn't it?

It is. We're going actually to have to take a tack first.

And then you're going to tell me?

-And then I'll tell you. Yes, absolutely.

-Right, OK.

All right.

Yeah, so this boat in the '30s was

owned by a chap called Beecher Moore.

One, he put a bigger mast on it.

-Yeah.

-And then because it's narrow it couldn't hold the weight of the

mast. So, he thought, how can I get more righting power

-out of this boat?

-Yeah.

So, how can I make it stay upright more?

So he developed in the '30s this thing called the bell rope.

-Yeah.

-Which was attached around the spreader points,

-the hands.

-Yeah.

And it was literally a rope with a monkey's ball on the end of it.

And the crew, bless them, had to jump out on the side of the boat.

So, they're grabbing this rope.

-Yes.

-From up here.

And that then develops into a trapeze that you always see on these racing

yachts with people harnessed, strapped in.

-Yeah.

-And it started on this boat?

It started on this boat in 1934.

This particular boat?

-This particular boat.

-Well, James, did you hear that?

We're sitting on history.

-Well, we are.

-This is us.

Gosh, we're going now.

All right, hold on, James.

Don't falter.

All that hard work.

I know.

OK, do you want to come back here, John?

I'm just going to get down, I'm

getting as low as I can at the moment.

I'm a bit by the lee.

OK. Well, look, isn't this amazing?

Me helming, fantastic boat.

Now, I don't want to add any complications.

-No, no.

-But we have got a canoeist coming up, John.

-I know.

-Have you clocked him?

I think it would be a mistake to ram the canoe, wouldn't it?

-I think it would be great fun, wouldn't it?

-No, we mustn't ram the canoe.

While the chaps speed back to the club, Surbiton is also the final port of

call for landlubbers Peter and Phil.

With £300 still in their piggy they're making their way to an appointment

at Joseph Berry Interiors to meet the eponymous Joe.

-Hello.

-Hello.

-Come in.

-Step there.

Come in. Hello, there.

This contemporary and quirky antiques emporium feels rather like

an art gallery than a shop.

Which exhibits will attract the attention of our cultured gentleman who

still have £300 to spend.

Look at that.

It looks like that's Victorian terracotta.

-Here we are, Peter.

-Oh, right.

If you want to get ahead...

-Hello, Phil.

-..Get a head.

Oh, is that a clue?

Yeah. There you are, my friend.

I think it's a bust, isn't it?

It's a human,

a human head, isn't it?

Yeah, I've just found its nostrils.

Nice!

Quite a good pick, that.

Phil's fetching the unusual plinth

made from a weathered wooden dockyard post.

I'm going to lift it up now.

-Are you all right doing that?

-Oh, yeah.

-Don't drop it on my foot, will you?

Don't you worry. You just stay where you are, chap.

Not quite sure how we're going to describe that in the auction but,

you know what, I quite like that and I think it's going to look...

Oh. Oh, that's more like it.

That could go in my front hall.

It might have to if you can't sell it.

It'd be better then a letter rack, wouldn't it?

This is kind of

the shabby side of shabby chic really.

What's your best best?

So, what have I got? 250, roundabout on the two.

What about 170?

Peter, have you got one of those pills to pop under

my top lip... I think I really would like to see us have a maximum of

about 130 quid because I think any more than that we've got to pay

commission, and it might just turn round and bite us in the behind.

I think the stand's unusual.

I think I've had it a while.

I'm happy to do a deal.

But I've got to make some money too.

-Right.

-Do you want me to get a handkerchief out?

Cheeky. So, the bust is a possibility.

-What else might appeal?

-Right, Peter.

-Yeah.

-You've got two items here.

On the right we've got four drawers, which are

in all probability out of a chemist's.

But they're out of a much, much bigger set of drawers.

That's priced at - £195 is the ticket.

How much could they be?

I could do 120,

possibly a little bit more if you're buying something else.

Right, go along about a foot, Peter, the other way.

-That way?

-Yeah.

-Oh!

Oh, yeah. See, this is what I like.

I'm one of those, I like to fiddle with things, you know?

I love these. I'll tell you what this reminds me of -

it reminds me of those paper windmills you used to get in

funfairs on the pier.

I used to go there to Weston-Super-Mare when we were at school and I

loved those things.

Ah, nostalgia.

This grown-up toy scratch built from specimen timbers would not look out

of place on a gentleman's roll-top desk or wooden-panelled library.

If they were giving them away, which would you take home?

Definitely the windmill.

-Yeah.

-I don't know why.

I can't really explain that.

Except that every day I passed it I'd spin it round.

I like the drawers, the set of drawers, but it would have to be the bust.

We're breezing towards a purchase here.

The windmill is priced at £110.

Can the windmill be 50 quid?

What are we at? We're at 130 on the other set.

Yeah. It would be 180, wouldn't it, for two?

I'll do 70. I like 200, it just sounds a bit more tactile.

and you like tactile, so that's all good.

I'm going to settle for that, because that's the figure I had in mind.

I know... Phil will be cross with me...

-I'm cross with you.

-You wouldn't know it.

-What are you doing?

-No...

-How much?

-Come on, while he's not looking.

-In the middle.

-Yeah.

-200?

-200.

-Done.

-Have you not learned anything in the last two days?

He's learned to negotiate almost a third off.

Well done, Peter. I'm blown away.

Peter has spent a total of £300,

and I do declare that five purchases a piece have now been made.

It's time now to gather the chaps together and reveal the lots they'll be

taking to auction, and discover who is jealous of what.

Now, don't fall in.

-How did you get on Peter?

-I think we came with a late, devastating burst.

-Really?

-Yes.

-We were just all the time consistently good.

We were, we were, we were.

-Right.

-Very even.

You'd better just show us how good you were, then.

-All right.

-Very even keel, the whole thing.

-This is a very special moment.

-One, two, three...

Look at that.

-I can't see a thing.

-I know.

I can tell you.

Let me tell you - you're the lucky one, Peter.

-It's very good.

-Peter, they bought a log.

-Did they?

-Yeah.

-Peter, we've got this immortal riding on an elephant,

which is rather nice.

Then we've got bats and various other things.

-Chinese.

-So you've bought a...

You bought an immortal. You've got a watercolour.

Yes. We got that...

Not just a watercolour.

No, that's really nice. Look at this, look...

This is Norfolk, right?

And that's a wherry.

Oh, that should do well in Windsor.

Yes, no, that'll go down...

There are lots of people in Windsor who go on holiday in Norfolk

and long for that kind of picture.

We got also rather a nice bit about the Great Exhibition, 1851.

You're a big fan of the Great Exhibition, aren't you?

-And so's John.

-No, yeah, we are.

Do you want to see what proper antiques look like?

Fire away. Do you want to have a look?

You, let's just, you hold that Peter, let's just whip the...

-Ready?

-Yeah, let's just whip that off.

One, two, three...

And then we've got a bit more to go over here.

-Peter, do you want to come and...

-Yeah.

This is, this is, this is it.

-This really is it.

-This is the...

Is our piece de resistance.

Looking after Michelangelo, is it?

No, we think it's actually by Michelangelo.

And what's your favourite one, Peter?

My favourite one.

Well, the one I'll use most is the decanter, I think.

-Yes.

-But I like the windmill.

I've got a...

Because I used to get these at Weston-Super-Mare, you know,

-the paper ones.

-Yeah.

But this is the real thing.

-Peter, you better demonstrate the...

-Can I demonstrate the donkey?

-You're absolutely right.

-Where is he?

-He's just down there.

-There he is, my sweet little donkey.

Yes. Isn't it good? Hang on.

-Let's find out whether his... Where his head is.

-There we go.

-Don't get the wrong end, otherwise we really will be in trouble.

-This is what he does.

Look at him wagging his little tail.

And his head.

I think we've all done very well.

Let's go and have a drink, Peter,

and mull over what the opposition have done, shall we?

-OK.

-Come on,

-John.

-Come on, spit it out, what do you really think?

I'm not worried, I think that we have got a fantastic selection ourselves,

I'm, I'm confident in what we've got.

Did you like their donkey?

I did actually. I thought that was perhaps the best item of all.

-Quite fun.

-It was funny.

-Yeah.

-And I could do with a few laughs.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Of their lots,

the most tactile lot for you is probably that Chinese wooden carving

-thing.

-Yeah.

-Because you could have picked it up and...

You know. You're not going to get too much out of a print and a

-watercolour, are you?

-No, no, no.

I think the point as far as I was concerned was to make sure that all the

items I actually liked and thought were good fun.

And that other people would like them.

That's all you can judge it.

-It's all we can do.

-Time will tell.

Having begun their journey in East Molesey,

our reporters and their fixers meandered the lanes of Surrey before

heading north to auction in Windsor,

where the wives will be merry.

But who knows about the husbands.

I've chosen things that a sighted person will choose.

So I've chosen a picture of the Norfolk Broads and you know things like...

I don't think, well is that me being insensitive?

Shouldn't I have been choosing things that we could talk about and that

you would be able to enjoy as well?

Oh, no, I don't think you should worry about that.

I didn't think about you at all.

One would want you to be buying the things that you would want.

I wouldn't want to do have to feel you were influenced by making it

-accessible to me.

-No, no, that's right.

And also, I'm thinking of the marvellous title of your radio series that

you've got. No Triumph, No Tragedy.

Meaning you've got to get on with your life, it's different from my life.

-That's right.

-But we've all got to get on with it as it were separately.

What I was trying to reflect with that title, with that radio series,

is that normally, when you see disability reflected in the media,

whether on television or radio, people, you know,

they either talk about the tragic disability that somebody has got,

or the way in which they have triumphed over it.

-Yes.

-That is not how our lives are at all.

I do not wake up in the morning and think, "Oh, God, I'm still blind."

You know. We live our lives as they are and they do not fall into

triumphs and tragedies.

Good philosophy.

John and Peter are winding their way to Windsor Auctions, our saleroom today,

where a crowd is gathering to bid and there's online bidding too.

Very good. Well done.

John, good morning. Peter, good morning.

Of the £400 that they each started out with,

John spent £202 on his five lots.

Our work is done here, John.

While Peter's five lots cost him £300.

It's a human head, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-Yeah, I've just found its nostrils.

Before the auction starts,

let's get auctioneer Harry Ballin's opinion of their purchases.

The early terracotta bust, I really like that.

It's a cracking piece. We've had

lots of interest in the room and online.

I can see it making about £200.

Watercolour of the Norfolk Broads, we all like this.

It's a nice thing. It's a bit samey,

it's a bit safe, but it will sell.

Well, we'll see. No reserve.

It's pretty well bound to.

Come on, chaps. Take your seats and if you're sitting comfortably,

we'll begin. First up,

John and James' Chinese root carving which so divided opinion.

Right, start the bidding at £40.

£40, any interest at 40?

£40 I have and I'm looking for 42.

-45, sir?

-Yeah.

Yeah? 48 at the back?

Yeah? 48. 50. 55 at the back?

Oh, unstoppable now.

65. No?

Are you out? He's looking the other way.

So it's back with you at 60.

Selling on your wall at £60.

Fair warning to all.

And it's made a £10 profit.

Only a minor victory.

Not quite a

rout that I hoped it...

Time now for Peter and Phil's decanter.

Chin-chin.

Oh, hello. Hang on.

Ten, I've got there. 12 here.

Come on. Come on.

15 there. 18 there. 20.

22.

You're out. 25, sir?

No? It's 22 over here.

I have 22 over here in the middle of the room.

At £22.

Fair warning.

£3 loss there then.

No celebrating that with a wee dram.

There we are. At last a bit of fairness has come into all this.

A bit of common sense.

A coloured print from an exhibition now.

That's the Great Exhibition of 1851.

£30.

Any interest at 30?

What about 20?

Oh, no. What about...

£20 I have, thank you very much.

£20 I have and 22, I'm after.

22, I have.

I'm looking for 22.

Selling at £20.

Fair warning.

That's an £8 profit.

They say it's a good thing to be born lucky, don't they, Peter?

Now, can Peter and Phil's wooden windmill turn in a profit?

£50, shall we?

Any interest at £50?

I have. And 55 and 60.

Come on. 65 and 70.

-They're away.

-No, come on, sir.

Don't look at your feet.

£70? Are you sure?

70 I have here.

75. 80. 85.

90. 95. 100.

110. 110, I have here. 115?

120?

125.

-That's good. I'm enjoying these auctions.

-They are just going crazy.

Twice you've broken your limit.

We can keep going to 130.

Come on. Yeah.

130 it is. 135.

Yeah? 140. 135 at the back of the room.

And I'm looking for 140.

-Come on.

-Fair warning.

They nearly doubled their money there.

That should put the wind in their sails.

That was my hunch, I have to say.

Good.

Just on touch.

Yeah, that just shows you have got the touch.

Next up is the Italian Maiolika water jug

John really splashed out on.

Any interest at £20 for the water jug at 20?

£20, any interest...

Schadenfreude. I love it.

22 online.

25 at the back? Yes?

No? Shake of the head?

Ratification. This is a...

It's £22 online.

-It's all right.

-Selling at £22.

I'm looking for 25. 25 now.

Thank you very much. 25 I have and I'm looking for 28.

28 online.

-Yes.

-Hysteria.

Come on now.

Why are we getting these tiny little amounts extra?

Selling therefore at £30.

Fair warning to all.

Are you sure?

Oh, dear. £50 lost.

John is really trailing now.

We've lost £50.

That's clawed a little bit back.

Peter's clockwork toy now.

And if this doesn't make a profit, I'll bray like a donkey!

£30 for a donkey.

-Come on.

-Come on, donkey.

-It's a lovely...

-£20 then.

Any interest at £20?

A boring donkey.

£20 in the middle.

22, here? Go on.

25? 28.

28.

Lovely. 30.

Selling at 30.

Fair warning. That's another good one.

I'm going to bray anyway...

HE BRAYS

That's donkey for profit.

Only made a fiver.

Made a fiver, that's not bad.

-Yeah.

-Time now for John and James' leather-cased sewing kit.

Any interest at 20?

£10?

Any interest at a tenner?

It has to be sold.

It has to be sold.

A fiver then, sir. £5.

Thank you very much. £5 I have and eight I'm looking for.

Five I have and I'm selling that way unless I hear eight.

Fair warning...

Well, that turned out to be a stitch up.

£15 loss.

-Oh, no!

-We are shocked.

£5.

With the things we bought, there was a consistency right across...

We weren't one-hit wonders, were we?

-No.

-JOHN:

-But we are talking emotion...

We are talking sentiment.

Well, sentiment drew Peter to the next lot.

The 1950s Pye record player.

Will it be a long player today?

Any interest at 30?

20 then?

We mustn't look smug, James.

£20 I have.

A lady who hasn't learnt to download music.

£20, I have.

And I'm looking for 22.

Hang on, we are being talked down by the auctioneer here.

And I'm selling at 20...

-Come on.

-Oh, dear.

What a shame. Not quite the sweet sound of success there.

We are doomed now. No.

Next is Peter and Phil's terracotta bust,

and maritime plinth.

They have high hopes for this.

150 I have and I'm looking for 160.

160 I have and I'm looking...

-Yes!

-170. 170 I have.

180 I now have.

190.

Come on! I'm looking for 200.

He always comes up smelling of roses.

Selling at 190.

Looking for 200...

A very classy £60 profit there.

Well done, chaps. Is a win in the bag?

Very good. That's very good.

Well done. Well done, Peter.

We've reached our last lot now,