Episode 5 Great Movie Mistakes

Bad luck, movie makers, it's us again.

This is the show that takes out its geeky monocle

and scrutinises your puny human efforts.

We'll pore over every frame to find your boobs...

Yeah. Can we have another go?

I'm not sure, "find your boobs," is quite right. Thanks.

-'Action!'

-Where was I?

Ah, yes.

This may look, to you, like a renovated church,

but, in fact, it's a nerve hub.

It's a nucleus - an offshoot of the Matrix.

Well, all right, it is a renovated church

but just off camera, in the crypt, is a team of pale-faced, muttering,

gibbering, almost subhuman creatures that we call our researchers.

They've taken dedication to the point of actual mania.

They're now unable even to go for a cup of coffee

without going up to complete strangers and shouting,

"You were holding that cup in the other hand five minutes ago, you LOSER!"

Either that or they're just looking at Facebook

and cutting and pasting from IMDB but it's probably the first one.

So, on with the show. Now, if you're anything like me,

you've been transported inside the software world

of a mainframe computer where you have to offer up

astonishing movie blunders in an attempt to get back out.

But you're not like me at all - quite the opposite.

I'm on the television and you're poised over Twitter

ready to be all cross at me for doing another clip show -

to which I can only reply, "Welcome to Great Movie Mistakes IV!"

And by the way - only one of us gets to ride that incredible Laser Bike.

Hashtag it's me.

Let's look at our first batch of Hollywood howlers.

I want what you owe me...

Here's The Dark Knight Rises -

big scale thrills but a huge, preposterous let down.

-Nice outfit. Those heels make it tough to walk?

-I don't know.

Good question, though, as only moments later we get the answer.

They're clearly retractable heels that disappear when running

and brawling's on the cards.

Could Bruce Wayne of stately Wayne Manor be a benefits cheat?

Consider this evidence.

Here he's having a chat with Mr Fox...

If you filed your entire RNB budget into a fusion project...

..but as soon as he realises the cameras are on him

a walking stick suddenly appears.

Next year expect to see him break dancing

on Britain's Got Talent.

I can't. I can't, Lucius.

Fighting and chaos reigns in Gotham City

and the smell of testosterone is high

but one man seems more lavender-scented...

Did you see him? Rewind!

This chap's fighting nobody at all!

Listen, matey, you're only supposed to punch the air

when you win a fight.

Glossy and entertaining as The Hunger Games was,

it left many fans disappointed - and is this why?

Look at the flowers being thrown at the parading chariots.

We will not be overlooked. Now, I LOVE that!

Now look at the roadway - completely clear.

No wonder everyone's so hungry if all their vegetation self-destructs.

Politically thrilling political thriller The Ides Of March

has Philip Seymour Hoffman visiting a pretend barber

who pretends to cut his hair.

I mean, it looks like a nice close cut but where are all the clippings?

Nothing's actually been cut off.

Ah, ready to face the world with a fresh new non-haircut.

It's a well-known fact that nobody speaks German,

which is why the team building this middling reboot of Sherlock Holmes

could get away with this little prank.

The subtitle says "Time to introduce Little Hansel."

What he actually said translates as...

Lacklustre and rushed - it's the not-so-Amazing Spider-Man

where Peter and The Lizard are having a dust-up.

And boy, does Peter get dusted up!

Though, realising that he'll upset Aunt May,

he quickly cleans himself up again - a bit.

Gwen, I worry if Peter's the right guy for you.

When you chat, although you may think you've got his attention

with his earphones out...

-Oh, it's Thursday.

-It's Thursday?

-What happened to your eye?

..he's only half-listening as his right earphone springs back in.

No, love, the right ear!

-Hey.

-What do we have here? A concealed weapon?

Hey, it's his grandmother's suit!

Now this a blatant mistake from the fairly good,

reasonably fun Men In Black III.

..before you press that...

I'll leave it to you to work out what the error is.

If you can't get it,

you probably need some suddenly appearing glasses.

Ah, that's a giveaway.

..is a standard issue Neuralyzer.

In this scene from the surprisingly tense, watch-through-your-fingers,

Woman in Black, Harry Potter's brought a magic dog with him,

from Hogwarts.

There he is overtaking the dog...

and now suddenly the dog's in front of him again.

It's probably some sort of spell.

"Teleportio!", or something.

I don't know if you've noticed this but some films like

The Bourne Identity and Annie just have normal heroes in them.

Whereas all the best films have superheroes in them,

who are like normal heroes but superer.

One of my favourite superhero films this year was Avengers Assembly,

where all the Avengers and their teachers

got together in the main hall, and sang hymns.

I'm really looking forward to the sequels - Avengers Harvest Festival,

Avengers Nativity and Avengers Wet Break.

Right, shut up everyone, it's Avengers Assemble,

which is MASSIVELY exciting.

Here Captain America takes a shot,

causing terrible damage to his costume and body...

..and over here everyone's second favourite Sherlock Holmes

but first favourite Iron Man, Robert Downey Jr,

has a great big cut to his right eyebrow...

..but here's proof of the power of positive thinking -

all evidence of damage has gone from the Captain's cozzie

and the Iron's cut has miraculously healed.

Now Thor and Iron Man are having a scrap.

Thor sends Iron Man flying off into the woods.

You want me to put the hammer down?!

Then when Thor turns on Captain America, he's all like,

"My American shield will protect me,"

and Thor then flies off into the woods...

..but when they all get up, they're about a metre apart.

Those Avengers Assembled a little too quickly, if you ask me!

Are we done here?

Part of the skill of being a special effects wizard is making sure

that none of your tricks of the trade are exposed.

Unfortunately in this clip we have the FX version of an upskirt.

As the ratchet cable used to spin the car is clearly visible.

There are some superheroes you really invest in

and others nobody gives a toss about.

Captain America, now, and you'll see here

how Steve goes into the getting-buffmatron

in perfect-fitting trousers...

Mr Stark!

..which still fit perfectly after he's gone all big.

Still, it's by that logic that we all avoided seeing

Lou Ferrigno's naughty bits, so, you know, every cloud.

After some impressive underwater rough and tumble,

Steve throws Heinz out of the water and onto the dock

but, miraculously, both of them are dry.

This is a shame, I'd have loved to see them both have a rub down

with some fluffy towels before he takes that deadly pill.

Tomorrow shall take its place.

One of Captain America's unsung superpowers

is the ability to deteriorate buildings.

Here he is making an evil Nazi railing break by sheer

power of charisma and pectorals.

Intact here...

-Got to be a rope or something!

-Just go! Get out of here!

Not going without you!

..and broken here.

In the sequel he takes down Stalin with some well-placed dry rot.

A shocking, sad and pivotal scene from The Amazing Spider-Man, here,

as Uncle Ben's shot down.

But here's proof Charlie Sheen's dad's just doing his actor day job.

See how he falls to the ground with glasses on?

Well, he must be taking a nap,

as when Peter rushes to help him here, the glasses are off.

Someone call an ambulance!

Keep your eyes on this numberplate.

Hmm, is this Eastern Europe?

Thought so.

This is the contrived, forgotten Ghost Rider sequel.

Look at the numberplate now -

it's reversed.

That's the problem with ghost riders -

the numberplasms on their motorspookles

are very unreli-I-I-I-able!

Finding out they've developed superpowers

makes the kids in effective low-budgeter Chronicle

really excited,

and, like most teenage boys, they celebrate

by trying to hurt each other.

Steve gets Matt slap-bang under the right eye...

THEY LAUGH

What the shit, Steve! Dude, get off! Get off! What are you doing?

-Underhand.

-I tried, man. I tried.

But soon they're laughing on the other side of their faces.

Sorry, bruising on the other side of their faces.

Now we come to the mistakes, which are so asinine, so dumb,

so daft, so idiotic, so brainless, so thick, so inept

and just so plain stupid they get a whole category to themselves.

'Cut!'

What? That was perfect. I'm not doing it again. That was fine.

How to completely sell-out a joke -

basically, what you do, is have a funny idea,

like these commune people in the utterly standard Wanderlust,

making a feature of never clapping but finger-rubbing.

This is much less aggressive than clapping.

Try it. Try it. Seriously, it's better.

Two, three...

Then, later on, have the exact same people clap like us normal folk.

That's one joke that won't be bothering anyone again!

Marginally diverting Man On A Ledge next,

and in this clip Man not-yet-on-a-ledge

is being very careful to remove his fingerprints

from everything he touches.

Oh, except the window he's going to open with his bare fingerprinty,

made-of-clue hands.

Rookie mistake.

Like using a Dyson Airblade then touching the toilet door.

So where's the first place the forensics dust for prints?

Easy! But let's spell it out to you.

Oh.

I'm a bit nervous of using the word "headcount"

when one of the icky Final Destination films is concerned,

but listen to this...

Among the survivors were eight employees of Presage Paper,

on their way to a business retreat,

the other 17 employees were killed in the collapse...

Eight survivors and 17 dead.

That's 25 people.

So why have they only bothered here with 18 passengers plus the driver?

Not the sort of cuts I was expecting in this film.

You know in the Sound Of Music

where Julie Andrews is bellowing her head off on a bus

and none of the other passengers bats an eyelid?

Well, this is exactly like that, only with werewolves.

Anyway, there are evil hell creatures tearing cars apart...

but the people on the pavement stroll on taking as little notice

as the cinema going public does of the Underworld films.

It's the better-than-expected Fright Night remake.

Now look at how Charlie's mum

protests at mowing down poor Jerry here.

-Mom, just hit it!

-Charlie, no!

-Just

-BLEEP

-hit it!

But even though Charlie grabs the wheel,

it's quite obvious it's his mum with the foot on the accelerator,

carrying out the very thing she doesn't want to do.

I'm not doing a joke about women drivers. I'm just not.

Hey, Mom.

Watch this for an absolute ruddy mess-up and a half,

in the seen-it-all-before time-travel movie, In Time.

Happy 50th!

50? That's right.

25 for the 25th time.

Did you spot it?

Course, 25 for the 25th time would actually be her 49th birthday.

..for a girlfriend...

Tsk. I bet the guys responsible

celebrated the millennium in 2000 as well, like idiots.

Now, where's my real ale?

Men, eh? Won't ever listen to directions.

In this clip from a big waste of time called Abduction,

Nathan is clearly told to...

Got that, Nathan?

Clarendon Avenue. This is the street.

Avenue? It's Boulevard, for goodness' sake!

You get asked to do one simple thing... AND that's Apartment 202.

Well, this is a disas... Oh...

..it's the right house despite all that.

Lucky!

Whether the Earl of Oxford was actually Shakespeare is still

open to debate.

No, it isn't. He wasn't!

But we can all agree he was one hell of a horticulturist.

Here in the abominable Anonymous,

he presents Ben Jonson with a red and white Tudor Rose.

My Lord.

The Tudor Rose.

The most beautiful of flowers, do you not think?

Problem is, the Tudor Rose is not so much your actual flower,

more your totally invented heraldic symbol.

Hard to come by.

For any science fiction fans who may be watching,

I have prepared the following statement.

"Doctor Spock said 'Beam Me Up, Scotty' and walked onto the Bridge

"of The Firefly where he bumped into the character Doctor Who who

"was chatting to Hans Solos about the time he was frozen in Kryptonite."

The sci-fi fans have probably gone away now,

moaning about our inaccuracies on their special internet forums,

so we can enjoy some mistakes in sci-fi films

without destroying their world.

The biggest problem in the old west, after cholera,

was how to accessorise.

Here's Daniel Craig in the humourless Cowboys And Aliens

deciding that his special alien bracelet is too heavy to ride in.

Now he's changed his mind and it's on again.

Honestly, no wonder cowboys take so long to get ready.

Or is that women? I always get them mixed up.

That's why I found Brokeback Mountain so confusing.

In this bar scene, James Bond's drinks are not so much

"shaken not stirred" as "poured not drunk".

Where did you get your bracelet?

There's something you don't know about me, lady.

You don't remember anything, do you?

What do you want?

He's so busy sloshing out the whisky

that he forgets to do the drinking it part.

And all without a coaster, too.

You do not want to see the rings on that bar.

Some she-actors find getting off horses un-ladylike,

so in this clip Olivia Wilde bypasses the problem

by simply refusing to do the middle bit.

"Look, I'll just stand next to it, OK?"

"Yes, I know I was sitting on it in the last shot. Nobody'll notice".

Putting the "bored" into "board game",

here's the horribly unsubtle Battleship.

Here, not only does Alex show off his pathetic robbery skills,

if you look at the clock on the CCTV feed,

he also manages to leap backwards and forward in time

like a rubbish Doctor Who.

It would seem that Commander Stone Hopper's mum

must've popped his gloves on idiot strings

as he manages to slip them on and off throughout this scene

with ease.

FOGHORN BLOWS

They're off now.

But they're back here.

But see how the ultrasonic attack shatters all the glass?

Well, maybe Mum knitted a binoculars case...

..as these lenses are fine. Thanks, Mum!

What the hell is this?

When you're under attack from a ruddy great big robot ship

from outer space, it's important that you have a change of pants

and plenty of ammunition.

Especially when your cannons get destroyed.

-You all right?

-They ain't going to sink this battleship, no way.

But, hey, why not just grow them back instantaneously

like these guys do in the following shot?

Fresh water.

Contagion now, which is different from Outbreak because...

well, because it's... Look, it just is, all right?

To illustrate the power of the disease,

here's a miserable montage of deserted cities.

As we know, only three things could survive a global virus.

Sea creatures, cockroaches, and the ruddy rush-hour traffic.

Charming '80s-based alien fun with Super 8 now,

and evidence that Hollywood really is another world.

When they need to move a bus, they do it with a massive chain...

..as you can see here,

whereas the rest of the earthlings look on and say,

"Why not just drive the bus?"

The real reason why kids shouldn't play with fireworks now.

It's a little-known fact that when anyone under the age of 18

so much as holds a sparkler, like young Joe here...

..it will spontaneously light itself.

'I'll never forget that year.

'I was young, I was full of hope,

'I was shooting Great Movie Mistakes IV.

'Of course I didn't know then what a fool I was,

'none of us saw what was just round the corner.

'Then, one day, while I was introducing a section

'on biographical films, it all became clear to me.'

But you're not going to find out what became clear to me,

because like all biographical films, we're going to jump

straight into flashback the moment it looks like getting interesting.

Robert! Time for your tea! It's Spangles and Angel Delight!

Sigmund Freud is the subject of the revealing but somewhat mediocre

A Dangerous Method.

Here, Freud is packing up his books, and is probably so busy

thinking about rude thoughts and mucky stuff

that he doesn't even notice that when he picks his book up,

it stays where it is.

..excise his father's name from the cartouches.

Then, suddenly, it's on his papers.

This was something traditionally done by all new kings who didn't

wish their father's name to continue to be public currency.

And then he puts it back on his papers to leave.

Now for a bit of J Edgar, the flat and dreary biopic

of the ex-Director of the FBI and inventor of the Dyson.

Look at this cereal box that Tolson puts down.

There's a short conversation...

..and as Tolson leaves, he picks up the box,

which now faces the other way.

As continuity goes, that's not g-rrrrrrrrreat.

Guns and God now, in the very earnest and worthy

and all those sorts of words Machine Gun Preacher.

Jan Leeming looks on proudly as Gerald or Gerard Butler is baptised

and does all kinds of face-acting.

Hallelujah!

In the name of our Lord, Jesus Christ...

Problem is, all his clothes are already wet.

He's getting born again again.

The Iron Lady is in danger of rusting in this unrealistic clip.

Here's Margaret driving alongside the Houses of Parliament

on the other side of the river.

Except there isn't actually a road on the opposite bank,

so we can only conclude that her car is driving through the Thames.

Yes, look, definitely floating.

The biggest movie mistake of all, of course, is Madonna's film career.

In her self-directed monstrosity W.E.

her research into the royal family is impeccable.

'King George III has died, and the nation mourns.'

Well, George III died in 1820. She meant George V.

Either that or she turned over two pages

in the Ladybird book of Kings and Queens.

Nothing really matters,

sang pop pensioner Madonna as a line in a song once.

And historical accuracy is one of them.

Wallis and Edward are papped to within an inch of their lives,

provoking absolute outrage in the British press.

In actual fact,

UK newspapers carefully covered up the scandal, and the story

wasn't reported until after Edward's abdication the following December.

Madge would be hung up for that howler!

Some of the best comedy films of all time have one thing in common.

Trading Places, Every Which Way But Loose, Dunston Checks In,

Outbreak, King Kong, Gorillas In The Mist,

Planet Of The Apes, Greystoke, Mighty Joe Young, Congo.

Sorry, no, the thing these films have in common is, like, monkeys.

It's monkeys.

Most of these films aren't even comedies.

I mean - I've seen Dunston Checks In.

I'll do it myself. No, I'll just busk it.

You're still rolling?

Good.

Some of the best comedy films of all time have one thing in common.

Confetti, Magicians, The Wedding Video.

What? That is totally justified.

All right, not Confetti but, I mean, the other two are quite good.

Here's Jennifer Aniston in the inert comedy Wanderlust

defiantly shutting her laptop, the IT equivalent of slamming a door.

We could throw in some vampires in there to have sex with the penguins,

then you could have brooding, sexy, little vampire penguins.

I'm calling actor error on this one.

You'd think that having done something so dramatic,

she'd have noticed that it was open again a few shots later

as she packed up to leave.

I think you're joking?

My favourite mistakes on this show are always the ones where it would

have been easier to get it right.

How did this end up happening, for example?

This margarita's poured out on the rocks.

..5 o'clock, when you could have 4.30.

Can someone have frozen, slushy margarita

ready for when we cut back?

Thanks!

Baffling.

-Keep going, keep going.

-OK.

This gentleman is exposing his midriff in the way

we all did in the '80s.

He does it in the witty and frantic Two Days In New York.

But you know how revivals go,

there one minute, gone the next.

And then it's back in fashion again.

In the savagely satirical The Dictator, Sacha Baron Cohen

plays the hardest game of Guess Who ever.

Believe it or not, these are the pictures left after

he's flicked down all the ones with glasses.

And it's going to be a pretty tough game,

because most are duplicates or flips of each other.

I bet it's Bernard, though. It's always Bernard.

Supreme leader is on the talking painting.

These mug shots of Nadal and Aladeen show the pseudonyms

Nadal and Allison Burger.

'..was cut short by what police

'are now calling a terrorism misunderstanding.'

But she says his name is Emir Gency Exit Only.

If she'd only taken the time to study those mug shots, none of us

would have wasted a precious 30 seconds of our lives on that joke.

So, there you have it.

Once again, movie makers have spent the year cramming their films

with moments as wrong and yet as entertaining as a chocolate bus.

I hope you enjoyed watching them as much as we've enjoyed finding them.

Actually, wait, I hope you've enjoyed it

a lot more than that, because it's actually quite time-consuming.

Anyway, thanks for watching,

this has been Grand Movie Mishaps V, and I've been Keith Lemon.

Hello.

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