Episode 5 Great Movie Mistakes


Episode 5

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Bad luck, movie makers, it's us again.

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This is the show that takes out its geeky monocle

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and scrutinises your puny human efforts.

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We'll pore over every frame to find your boobs...

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Yeah. Can we have another go?

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I'm not sure, "find your boobs," is quite right. Thanks.

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-'Action!'

-Where was I?

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Ah, yes.

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This may look, to you, like a renovated church,

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but, in fact, it's a nerve hub.

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It's a nucleus - an offshoot of the Matrix.

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Well, all right, it is a renovated church

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but just off camera, in the crypt, is a team of pale-faced, muttering,

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gibbering, almost subhuman creatures that we call our researchers.

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They've taken dedication to the point of actual mania.

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They're now unable even to go for a cup of coffee

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without going up to complete strangers and shouting,

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"You were holding that cup in the other hand five minutes ago, you LOSER!"

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Either that or they're just looking at Facebook

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and cutting and pasting from IMDB but it's probably the first one.

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So, on with the show. Now, if you're anything like me,

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you've been transported inside the software world

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of a mainframe computer where you have to offer up

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astonishing movie blunders in an attempt to get back out.

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But you're not like me at all - quite the opposite.

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I'm on the television and you're poised over Twitter

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ready to be all cross at me for doing another clip show -

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to which I can only reply, "Welcome to Great Movie Mistakes IV!"

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And by the way - only one of us gets to ride that incredible Laser Bike.

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Hashtag it's me.

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Let's look at our first batch of Hollywood howlers.

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I want what you owe me...

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Here's The Dark Knight Rises -

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big scale thrills but a huge, preposterous let down.

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-Nice outfit. Those heels make it tough to walk?

-I don't know.

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Good question, though, as only moments later we get the answer.

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They're clearly retractable heels that disappear when running

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and brawling's on the cards.

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Could Bruce Wayne of stately Wayne Manor be a benefits cheat?

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Consider this evidence.

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Here he's having a chat with Mr Fox...

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If you filed your entire RNB budget into a fusion project...

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..but as soon as he realises the cameras are on him

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a walking stick suddenly appears.

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Next year expect to see him break dancing

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on Britain's Got Talent.

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I can't. I can't, Lucius.

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Fighting and chaos reigns in Gotham City

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and the smell of testosterone is high

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but one man seems more lavender-scented...

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Did you see him? Rewind!

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This chap's fighting nobody at all!

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Listen, matey, you're only supposed to punch the air

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when you win a fight.

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Glossy and entertaining as The Hunger Games was,

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it left many fans disappointed - and is this why?

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Look at the flowers being thrown at the parading chariots.

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We will not be overlooked. Now, I LOVE that!

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Now look at the roadway - completely clear.

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No wonder everyone's so hungry if all their vegetation self-destructs.

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Politically thrilling political thriller The Ides Of March

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has Philip Seymour Hoffman visiting a pretend barber

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who pretends to cut his hair.

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I mean, it looks like a nice close cut but where are all the clippings?

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Nothing's actually been cut off.

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Ah, ready to face the world with a fresh new non-haircut.

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It's a well-known fact that nobody speaks German,

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which is why the team building this middling reboot of Sherlock Holmes

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could get away with this little prank.

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The subtitle says "Time to introduce Little Hansel."

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What he actually said translates as...

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Lacklustre and rushed - it's the not-so-Amazing Spider-Man

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where Peter and The Lizard are having a dust-up.

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And boy, does Peter get dusted up!

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Though, realising that he'll upset Aunt May,

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he quickly cleans himself up again - a bit.

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Gwen, I worry if Peter's the right guy for you.

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When you chat, although you may think you've got his attention

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with his earphones out...

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-Oh, it's Thursday.

-It's Thursday?

-What happened to your eye?

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..he's only half-listening as his right earphone springs back in.

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No, love, the right ear!

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-Hey.

-What do we have here? A concealed weapon?

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Hey, it's his grandmother's suit!

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Now this a blatant mistake from the fairly good,

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reasonably fun Men In Black III.

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..before you press that...

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I'll leave it to you to work out what the error is.

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If you can't get it,

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you probably need some suddenly appearing glasses.

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Ah, that's a giveaway.

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..is a standard issue Neuralyzer.

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In this scene from the surprisingly tense, watch-through-your-fingers,

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Woman in Black, Harry Potter's brought a magic dog with him,

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from Hogwarts.

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There he is overtaking the dog...

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and now suddenly the dog's in front of him again.

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It's probably some sort of spell.

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"Teleportio!", or something.

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I don't know if you've noticed this but some films like

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The Bourne Identity and Annie just have normal heroes in them.

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Whereas all the best films have superheroes in them,

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who are like normal heroes but superer.

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One of my favourite superhero films this year was Avengers Assembly,

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where all the Avengers and their teachers

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got together in the main hall, and sang hymns.

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I'm really looking forward to the sequels - Avengers Harvest Festival,

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Avengers Nativity and Avengers Wet Break.

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Right, shut up everyone, it's Avengers Assemble,

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which is MASSIVELY exciting.

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Here Captain America takes a shot,

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causing terrible damage to his costume and body...

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..and over here everyone's second favourite Sherlock Holmes

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but first favourite Iron Man, Robert Downey Jr,

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has a great big cut to his right eyebrow...

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..but here's proof of the power of positive thinking -

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all evidence of damage has gone from the Captain's cozzie

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and the Iron's cut has miraculously healed.

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Now Thor and Iron Man are having a scrap.

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Thor sends Iron Man flying off into the woods.

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You want me to put the hammer down?!

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Then when Thor turns on Captain America, he's all like,

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"My American shield will protect me,"

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and Thor then flies off into the woods...

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..but when they all get up, they're about a metre apart.

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Those Avengers Assembled a little too quickly, if you ask me!

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Are we done here?

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Part of the skill of being a special effects wizard is making sure

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that none of your tricks of the trade are exposed.

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Unfortunately in this clip we have the FX version of an upskirt.

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As the ratchet cable used to spin the car is clearly visible.

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There are some superheroes you really invest in

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and others nobody gives a toss about.

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Captain America, now, and you'll see here

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how Steve goes into the getting-buffmatron

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in perfect-fitting trousers...

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Mr Stark!

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..which still fit perfectly after he's gone all big.

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Still, it's by that logic that we all avoided seeing

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Lou Ferrigno's naughty bits, so, you know, every cloud.

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After some impressive underwater rough and tumble,

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Steve throws Heinz out of the water and onto the dock

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but, miraculously, both of them are dry.

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This is a shame, I'd have loved to see them both have a rub down

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with some fluffy towels before he takes that deadly pill.

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Tomorrow shall take its place.

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One of Captain America's unsung superpowers

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is the ability to deteriorate buildings.

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Here he is making an evil Nazi railing break by sheer

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power of charisma and pectorals.

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Intact here...

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-Got to be a rope or something!

-Just go! Get out of here!

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Not going without you!

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..and broken here.

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In the sequel he takes down Stalin with some well-placed dry rot.

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A shocking, sad and pivotal scene from The Amazing Spider-Man, here,

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as Uncle Ben's shot down.

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But here's proof Charlie Sheen's dad's just doing his actor day job.

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See how he falls to the ground with glasses on?

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Well, he must be taking a nap,

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as when Peter rushes to help him here, the glasses are off.

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Someone call an ambulance!

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Keep your eyes on this numberplate.

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Hmm, is this Eastern Europe?

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Thought so.

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This is the contrived, forgotten Ghost Rider sequel.

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Look at the numberplate now -

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it's reversed.

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That's the problem with ghost riders -

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the numberplasms on their motorspookles

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are very unreli-I-I-I-able!

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Finding out they've developed superpowers

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makes the kids in effective low-budgeter Chronicle

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really excited,

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and, like most teenage boys, they celebrate

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by trying to hurt each other.

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Steve gets Matt slap-bang under the right eye...

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THEY LAUGH

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What the shit, Steve! Dude, get off! Get off! What are you doing?

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-Underhand.

-I tried, man. I tried.

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But soon they're laughing on the other side of their faces.

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Sorry, bruising on the other side of their faces.

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Now we come to the mistakes, which are so asinine, so dumb,

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so daft, so idiotic, so brainless, so thick, so inept

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and just so plain stupid they get a whole category to themselves.

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'Cut!'

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What? That was perfect. I'm not doing it again. That was fine.

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How to completely sell-out a joke -

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basically, what you do, is have a funny idea,

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like these commune people in the utterly standard Wanderlust,

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making a feature of never clapping but finger-rubbing.

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This is much less aggressive than clapping.

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Try it. Try it. Seriously, it's better.

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Two, three...

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Then, later on, have the exact same people clap like us normal folk.

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That's one joke that won't be bothering anyone again!

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Marginally diverting Man On A Ledge next,

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and in this clip Man not-yet-on-a-ledge

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is being very careful to remove his fingerprints

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from everything he touches.

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Oh, except the window he's going to open with his bare fingerprinty,

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made-of-clue hands.

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Rookie mistake.

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Like using a Dyson Airblade then touching the toilet door.

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So where's the first place the forensics dust for prints?

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Easy! But let's spell it out to you.

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Oh.

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I'm a bit nervous of using the word "headcount"

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when one of the icky Final Destination films is concerned,

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but listen to this...

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Among the survivors were eight employees of Presage Paper,

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on their way to a business retreat,

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the other 17 employees were killed in the collapse...

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Eight survivors and 17 dead.

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That's 25 people.

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So why have they only bothered here with 18 passengers plus the driver?

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Not the sort of cuts I was expecting in this film.

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You know in the Sound Of Music

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where Julie Andrews is bellowing her head off on a bus

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and none of the other passengers bats an eyelid?

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Well, this is exactly like that, only with werewolves.

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Anyway, there are evil hell creatures tearing cars apart...

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but the people on the pavement stroll on taking as little notice

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as the cinema going public does of the Underworld films.

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It's the better-than-expected Fright Night remake.

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Now look at how Charlie's mum

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protests at mowing down poor Jerry here.

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-Mom, just hit it!

-Charlie, no!

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-Just

-BLEEP

-hit it!

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But even though Charlie grabs the wheel,

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it's quite obvious it's his mum with the foot on the accelerator,

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carrying out the very thing she doesn't want to do.

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I'm not doing a joke about women drivers. I'm just not.

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Hey, Mom.

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Watch this for an absolute ruddy mess-up and a half,

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in the seen-it-all-before time-travel movie, In Time.

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Happy 50th!

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50? That's right.

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25 for the 25th time.

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Did you spot it?

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Course, 25 for the 25th time would actually be her 49th birthday.

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..for a girlfriend...

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Tsk. I bet the guys responsible

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celebrated the millennium in 2000 as well, like idiots.

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Now, where's my real ale?

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Men, eh? Won't ever listen to directions.

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In this clip from a big waste of time called Abduction,

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Nathan is clearly told to...

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Got that, Nathan?

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Clarendon Avenue. This is the street.

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Avenue? It's Boulevard, for goodness' sake!

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You get asked to do one simple thing... AND that's Apartment 202.

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Well, this is a disas... Oh...

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..it's the right house despite all that.

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Lucky!

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Whether the Earl of Oxford was actually Shakespeare is still

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open to debate.

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No, it isn't. He wasn't!

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But we can all agree he was one hell of a horticulturist.

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Here in the abominable Anonymous,

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he presents Ben Jonson with a red and white Tudor Rose.

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My Lord.

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The Tudor Rose.

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The most beautiful of flowers, do you not think?

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Problem is, the Tudor Rose is not so much your actual flower,

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more your totally invented heraldic symbol.

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Hard to come by.

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For any science fiction fans who may be watching,

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I have prepared the following statement.

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"Doctor Spock said 'Beam Me Up, Scotty' and walked onto the Bridge

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"of The Firefly where he bumped into the character Doctor Who who

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"was chatting to Hans Solos about the time he was frozen in Kryptonite."

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The sci-fi fans have probably gone away now,

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moaning about our inaccuracies on their special internet forums,

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so we can enjoy some mistakes in sci-fi films

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without destroying their world.

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The biggest problem in the old west, after cholera,

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was how to accessorise.

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Here's Daniel Craig in the humourless Cowboys And Aliens

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deciding that his special alien bracelet is too heavy to ride in.

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Now he's changed his mind and it's on again.

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Honestly, no wonder cowboys take so long to get ready.

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Or is that women? I always get them mixed up.

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That's why I found Brokeback Mountain so confusing.

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In this bar scene, James Bond's drinks are not so much

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"shaken not stirred" as "poured not drunk".

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Where did you get your bracelet?

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There's something you don't know about me, lady.

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You don't remember anything, do you?

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What do you want?

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He's so busy sloshing out the whisky

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that he forgets to do the drinking it part.

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And all without a coaster, too.

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You do not want to see the rings on that bar.

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Some she-actors find getting off horses un-ladylike,

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so in this clip Olivia Wilde bypasses the problem

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by simply refusing to do the middle bit.

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"Look, I'll just stand next to it, OK?"

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"Yes, I know I was sitting on it in the last shot. Nobody'll notice".

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Putting the "bored" into "board game",

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here's the horribly unsubtle Battleship.

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Here, not only does Alex show off his pathetic robbery skills,

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if you look at the clock on the CCTV feed,

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he also manages to leap backwards and forward in time

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like a rubbish Doctor Who.

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It would seem that Commander Stone Hopper's mum

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must've popped his gloves on idiot strings

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as he manages to slip them on and off throughout this scene

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with ease.

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FOGHORN BLOWS

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They're off now.

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But they're back here.

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But see how the ultrasonic attack shatters all the glass?

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Well, maybe Mum knitted a binoculars case...

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..as these lenses are fine. Thanks, Mum!

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What the hell is this?

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When you're under attack from a ruddy great big robot ship

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from outer space, it's important that you have a change of pants

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and plenty of ammunition.

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Especially when your cannons get destroyed.

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-You all right?

-They ain't going to sink this battleship, no way.

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But, hey, why not just grow them back instantaneously

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like these guys do in the following shot?

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Fresh water.

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Contagion now, which is different from Outbreak because...

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well, because it's... Look, it just is, all right?

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To illustrate the power of the disease,

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here's a miserable montage of deserted cities.

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As we know, only three things could survive a global virus.

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Sea creatures, cockroaches, and the ruddy rush-hour traffic.

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Charming '80s-based alien fun with Super 8 now,

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and evidence that Hollywood really is another world.

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When they need to move a bus, they do it with a massive chain...

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..as you can see here,

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whereas the rest of the earthlings look on and say,

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"Why not just drive the bus?"

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The real reason why kids shouldn't play with fireworks now.

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It's a little-known fact that when anyone under the age of 18

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so much as holds a sparkler, like young Joe here...

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..it will spontaneously light itself.

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'I'll never forget that year.

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'I was young, I was full of hope,

0:20:110:20:13

'I was shooting Great Movie Mistakes IV.

0:20:130:20:15

'Of course I didn't know then what a fool I was,

0:20:150:20:18

'none of us saw what was just round the corner.

0:20:180:20:20

'Then, one day, while I was introducing a section

0:20:200:20:23

'on biographical films, it all became clear to me.'

0:20:230:20:27

But you're not going to find out what became clear to me,

0:20:270:20:29

because like all biographical films, we're going to jump

0:20:290:20:32

straight into flashback the moment it looks like getting interesting.

0:20:320:20:36

Robert! Time for your tea! It's Spangles and Angel Delight!

0:20:360:20:39

Sigmund Freud is the subject of the revealing but somewhat mediocre

0:20:390:20:43

A Dangerous Method.

0:20:430:20:45

Here, Freud is packing up his books, and is probably so busy

0:20:450:20:48

thinking about rude thoughts and mucky stuff

0:20:480:20:51

that he doesn't even notice that when he picks his book up,

0:20:510:20:53

it stays where it is.

0:20:530:20:55

..excise his father's name from the cartouches.

0:20:550:20:57

Then, suddenly, it's on his papers.

0:20:570:20:59

This was something traditionally done by all new kings who didn't

0:20:590:21:03

wish their father's name to continue to be public currency.

0:21:030:21:07

And then he puts it back on his papers to leave.

0:21:070:21:10

Now for a bit of J Edgar, the flat and dreary biopic

0:21:140:21:17

of the ex-Director of the FBI and inventor of the Dyson.

0:21:170:21:20

Look at this cereal box that Tolson puts down.

0:21:210:21:24

There's a short conversation...

0:21:260:21:28

..and as Tolson leaves, he picks up the box,

0:21:300:21:32

which now faces the other way.

0:21:320:21:34

As continuity goes, that's not g-rrrrrrrrreat.

0:21:340:21:38

Guns and God now, in the very earnest and worthy

0:21:430:21:46

and all those sorts of words Machine Gun Preacher.

0:21:460:21:49

Jan Leeming looks on proudly as Gerald or Gerard Butler is baptised

0:21:490:21:54

and does all kinds of face-acting.

0:21:540:21:56

Hallelujah!

0:22:020:22:04

In the name of our Lord, Jesus Christ...

0:22:040:22:06

Problem is, all his clothes are already wet.

0:22:060:22:09

He's getting born again again.

0:22:090:22:10

The Iron Lady is in danger of rusting in this unrealistic clip.

0:22:150:22:19

Here's Margaret driving alongside the Houses of Parliament

0:22:190:22:22

on the other side of the river.

0:22:220:22:25

Except there isn't actually a road on the opposite bank,

0:22:250:22:28

so we can only conclude that her car is driving through the Thames.

0:22:280:22:31

Yes, look, definitely floating.

0:22:310:22:33

The biggest movie mistake of all, of course, is Madonna's film career.

0:22:370:22:41

In her self-directed monstrosity W.E.

0:22:420:22:44

her research into the royal family is impeccable.

0:22:440:22:47

'King George III has died, and the nation mourns.'

0:22:490:22:52

Well, George III died in 1820. She meant George V.

0:22:520:22:57

Either that or she turned over two pages

0:22:570:22:59

in the Ladybird book of Kings and Queens.

0:22:590:23:01

Nothing really matters,

0:23:050:23:06

sang pop pensioner Madonna as a line in a song once.

0:23:060:23:10

And historical accuracy is one of them.

0:23:100:23:12

Wallis and Edward are papped to within an inch of their lives,

0:23:120:23:16

provoking absolute outrage in the British press.

0:23:160:23:19

In actual fact,

0:23:190:23:20

UK newspapers carefully covered up the scandal, and the story

0:23:200:23:23

wasn't reported until after Edward's abdication the following December.

0:23:230:23:28

Madge would be hung up for that howler!

0:23:280:23:30

Some of the best comedy films of all time have one thing in common.

0:23:310:23:35

Trading Places, Every Which Way But Loose, Dunston Checks In,

0:23:350:23:38

Outbreak, King Kong, Gorillas In The Mist,

0:23:380:23:41

Planet Of The Apes, Greystoke, Mighty Joe Young, Congo.

0:23:410:23:45

Sorry, no, the thing these films have in common is, like, monkeys.

0:23:450:23:49

It's monkeys.

0:23:490:23:52

Most of these films aren't even comedies.

0:23:520:23:55

I mean - I've seen Dunston Checks In.

0:23:550:23:57

I'll do it myself. No, I'll just busk it.

0:23:570:24:00

You're still rolling?

0:24:000:24:01

Good.

0:24:010:24:03

Some of the best comedy films of all time have one thing in common.

0:24:030:24:06

Confetti, Magicians, The Wedding Video.

0:24:060:24:09

What? That is totally justified.

0:24:110:24:14

All right, not Confetti but, I mean, the other two are quite good.

0:24:150:24:20

Here's Jennifer Aniston in the inert comedy Wanderlust

0:24:200:24:24

defiantly shutting her laptop, the IT equivalent of slamming a door.

0:24:240:24:27

We could throw in some vampires in there to have sex with the penguins,

0:24:270:24:31

then you could have brooding, sexy, little vampire penguins.

0:24:310:24:33

I'm calling actor error on this one.

0:24:330:24:35

You'd think that having done something so dramatic,

0:24:350:24:37

she'd have noticed that it was open again a few shots later

0:24:370:24:41

as she packed up to leave.

0:24:410:24:42

I think you're joking?

0:24:420:24:43

My favourite mistakes on this show are always the ones where it would

0:24:440:24:48

have been easier to get it right.

0:24:480:24:50

How did this end up happening, for example?

0:24:500:24:53

This margarita's poured out on the rocks.

0:24:530:24:56

..5 o'clock, when you could have 4.30.

0:24:560:24:58

Can someone have frozen, slushy margarita

0:24:580:25:01

ready for when we cut back?

0:25:010:25:02

Thanks!

0:25:020:25:04

Baffling.

0:25:040:25:05

-Keep going, keep going.

-OK.

0:25:050:25:07

This gentleman is exposing his midriff in the way

0:25:090:25:12

we all did in the '80s.

0:25:120:25:14

He does it in the witty and frantic Two Days In New York.

0:25:150:25:18

But you know how revivals go,

0:25:180:25:21

there one minute, gone the next.

0:25:210:25:23

And then it's back in fashion again.

0:25:250:25:27

In the savagely satirical The Dictator, Sacha Baron Cohen

0:25:300:25:34

plays the hardest game of Guess Who ever.

0:25:340:25:36

Believe it or not, these are the pictures left after

0:25:380:25:41

he's flicked down all the ones with glasses.

0:25:410:25:43

And it's going to be a pretty tough game,

0:25:440:25:46

because most are duplicates or flips of each other.

0:25:460:25:49

I bet it's Bernard, though. It's always Bernard.

0:25:490:25:52

Supreme leader is on the talking painting.

0:25:560:25:59

These mug shots of Nadal and Aladeen show the pseudonyms

0:25:590:26:02

Nadal and Allison Burger.

0:26:020:26:04

'..was cut short by what police

0:26:040:26:06

'are now calling a terrorism misunderstanding.'

0:26:060:26:08

But she says his name is Emir Gency Exit Only.

0:26:080:26:11

If she'd only taken the time to study those mug shots, none of us

0:26:130:26:16

would have wasted a precious 30 seconds of our lives on that joke.

0:26:160:26:20

So, there you have it.

0:26:200:26:22

Once again, movie makers have spent the year cramming their films

0:26:220:26:25

with moments as wrong and yet as entertaining as a chocolate bus.

0:26:250:26:29

I hope you enjoyed watching them as much as we've enjoyed finding them.

0:26:290:26:33

Actually, wait, I hope you've enjoyed it

0:26:330:26:35

a lot more than that, because it's actually quite time-consuming.

0:26:350:26:38

Anyway, thanks for watching,

0:26:380:26:40

this has been Grand Movie Mishaps V, and I've been Keith Lemon.

0:26:400:26:44

Hello.

0:26:440:26:45

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