Episode 8 Great Movie Mistakes

Hello, good evening and thank you for cotching in our ends.

Tonight, we'll be looking at some of the biggest movie howlers

ever to disgrace the big screen.

And I can promise you it's going to be bare jokes.

I don't know what any of that meant but I checked with Dappy

and he told me that, if I said it, I'd be down with the BBC Three massive

and then he did some complicated hands.

If you're the kind of person who, when reading a book,

likes to skip over the difficult bits,

and put Keira Knightley all over the rest,

then you'll love film adaptations.

Since film was invented, directors have been slightly ruining

or basically missing the point of some of the greatest literary works

in the world. But they still found room to make some shocking mistakes.

Fortunately, the world of literature has been getting its own back

for years by taking tremendous films and getting hacks to write

unreadably awful novelisations.

So, you know, swings and roundabouts.

George Smiley's waiting for a call, with his shoes neatly under

the table in the thrilling and classy Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy.

But when it's an important call,

surely it's wise to be fully clothed,

so in the next shot they're back on again.

Though now he's taken them off.

Oh, make up your mind!

The same thing happens with his underpants

but we can't show that bit.

I think there's just a simple script typo in this scene

from meandering flick The Rum Diary.

There's Johnny Depp with his hair all unkempt

and this line is delivered.

You blew it, Kemp.

And suddenly Johnny's neatly coiffed again.

I'm pretty sure the line should have been, "You blow-dried it, Kemp"

Want to have some breakfast? A little lobster on the beach?

-20 minutes away.

-Sounds inviting.

Sunglasses, like umbrellas and razors can be categorised as

things in life you find yourself buying

much more often than you ought to.

I just called Miami.

But on Movie Mistakes we love them.

Why? Well, take Johnny Depp. He puts them on...

I better call in.

..he stands up...

Call from the car.

..he picks them up again.

Well, it's easy to forget where you've put them.

Ah, look, nothing in the sky for miles around,

except a few clouds in this expensive-looking but unnecessary

umpteenth adaptation of The Three Musketeers.

And yet just 39 seconds later...

..where did this ruddy, great low-flying airship come from?

SHOUTING

Some mistakes can be put down to simple revenge.

Clearly the cameraman was so annoyed at crashing into this wooden pole...

Careful! ..that he sneakily removed it for the next shot.

Luckily, someone noticed

and Poley resumed his rightful place next to the step.

For a bit.

Rule one of escaping from baddies -

be sure you make a clean getaway.

However, once D'Artagnan runs through the door,

he just stops and waits.

Almost, and I know this is going to sound mad,

almost like an actor waiting for his next cue.

If I dared, I'd touch you, see if you were real.

Mr Rochester's journal. 'Wednesday. An exciting day.

'Jane Eyre returned from visiting her aunt,

'I put this very journal down to say hello.

'However, no sooner had she ascended the stairs

'than my journal completely disappeared,

'only to reappear moments later.

'Should it disappear again,

'I shall write my innermost thoughts on my massive hat.'

Very sloppy.

Oh, hello. I'm just flushing 250 million down the toilet,

rather like the makers of John Carter.

Here in Britain, we love an underdog.

We like things that are plucky or unfashionable or sometimes

just plain crap. We root for them, we cheer for them,

we wish them the best.

What we won't do apparently is buy tickets for them.

Which is why the following films appear in our

Worst Flops of the Box Office section.

Here are some mistakes which, like the films they come from,

you didn't notice the first time.

Conan The Terrible, sorry, Conan The Barbarian now,

and Tamara's strolling through the forest

with clear lines of sight in every direction.

Yet somehow she doesn't see or hear Massive Man On Horse.

She failed to spot the foot-soldiers too,

despite those skinny saplings being too small to hide behind.

She didn't see them.

Just like nobody saw this film.

I Don't Know How She Does It,

otherwise known as I Don't Know Why They Made It

has Sarah Jessica Parker running kookily late

with her beige heels and no tights.

But here she's wearing black tights and boots.

-Oh, hi, Clarke.

-Good morning.

And now it's the original combo again.

I don't know how she did that.

It may have been a flop,

but John Carter was actually quite good fun.

This is the wedding,

and Sab Than is discovering that there's nothing more embarrassing

than finishing your stag night with a drunken tattoo.

In the time of oceans, the celestial lovers rose from the sea each night.

And just like a drunken tattoo,

this one is staggering all over his face from left to right.

So may it be again.

On to the hokey and scrappy Cowboys And Aliens now,

and as Jake escapes from the alien stronghold

he's covered in a blast of alien space dust

or popping candy, as you youngsters call it.

I hate it when that happens.

And so does Jake. Look, he's now dust free.

The Thing is a dull, sloppy, unsuccessful prequel

to a successful film called The Thing.

I'm hoping they make a sequel called And Another Thing.

Here, Kate turns on both taps,

has the most feeble face-wash of all time,

then turns off the water one-handed.

So the thing about The Thing is

why isn't the other tap still running?

The aptly-named Anonymous was a preposterous romp based on

the idea that Shakespeare wasn't Shakespeare, but the Earl of Oxford.

However we can reveal

that the Earl of Oxford wasn't the Earl of Oxford, either.

Judging by that very modern tattoo that's peeping out

from under his doublet, he's clearly Rhys Ifans.

It's a little bit of a Hollywood secret, but you can't just

use normal cars, trains, motorbikes and so on, when making a film.

No, all the vehicles you see are stars in their own right.

The cars always demand their own trailers, every motorcycle insists

on riders, buses won't film without regular stops and all the aeroplanes

are scientologists and won't let anyone look them in the cockpit.

Also, something about helicopters, um, they work on a rotor system?

Something like that? Somebody sort this out.

Icily compelling sex pest docusoap Shame now,

and here Michael "Middle Stump" Fassbender arrives at Fulton Street

as he creepily eyes up a woman in a hat.

But he's on the world's most inconvenient train,

as you see when they leave Fulton Street.

Then after a few minutes of serious-faced ogling, arrive at...

..Fulton Street!

Get your coat, love, you've pulled.

Every which way but funny now with The Zookeeper.

Everything about this clip is ridiculous.

The background is swishing about like nobody's business,

and TV funnyman Kevin James isn't even turning the steering wheel.

Absolutely ridiculous.

The talking gorilla in the daringly tight T-shirt, however, is fine.

Misbehaving wingtips now,

which is the bane of the Victorian Dandy's life.

But also in the turbo-charged Avengers Assemble.

As the plane lands, the wings fold in.

But when Captain America disembarks,

they are folded out again.

Let's see it again -

and watch out for the bonus boob here.

What the hell happened to hi-vis orange runway man?

The windscreen wipers on this police car

in the comedically dry The Guard remind me very much

of the men in The Grand old Duke of York.

Because when they are up they are up,

and when they are down they are down.

And that's the end of my simile. Wrong windscreen wipers is my point.

Just been transferred from Dublin.

Pointless remake of Footloose now -

and a stark reminder that level crossings

are dangerous places, kids. Here we see how,

if you're not careful your lovely sister's saloon car

will inexplicably turn into a black four by four

the moment it touches the railway lines.

He's not looking good, sir.

The disappointing Johnny English Reborn now,

and when Johnny says, "It's just like riding a bike,"

that's clearly not what he said when they shot it.

It's just like riding a bike.

Maybe he was actually saying, "Get rid of that man on the back seat,"

because by the next shot, he has clearly disappeared.

Yes, it's all coming back to me.

If violent revenge flick How I Spent My Summer Vacation

is anything to go by, Mel Gibson spends his holidays

dressed as a clown in a deserted part of Mexico.

Not that deserted, mind.

Those tyre tracks show there's been another car there,

or at the very least a previous take.

Action movies are like making love. Last about 90 minutes check.

Have loud noises going on throughout check.

An Aerosmith song playing check.

And big men in vests running around shooting assorted Europeans

or Middle Easterns - check.

And, of course, an awful lot of blood.

Happy lovemaking, sex fans!

What's wrong here in the hammy and laughably bad Abduction?

Acting rule number one is never look into the camera, but gotcha!

Taylor Lautner can't resist!

Still if this is the take they used, the other ones must have just

had him staring slack-jawed into the camera and wobbling.

Look at the light filtering through the outdoor window -

I love a good sunset, don't you?

And so do the makers of Abduction.

They've really captured that magic hour.

-Yeah.

-'Hey, I heard you pull up...'

Or rather, that abrupt few seconds between day and,

in the next shot, night.

It's the run-of-the-mill In Time,

and Henry's timeline's running out, so he's decided to keel over

and fall into some lovely running water.

That's very fortunate, had he jumped a few seconds earlier,

he'd have fallen on to a barely wet slab of concrete.

The generally "meh" This Means War now and attention, ladies.

If you've ever had your jacket stolen from a nightclub,

it was almost certainly stolen by Hollywood actor, Reese Witherspoon.

The proof? Well, here she is going in without a jacket,

and here she is exiting the same club, with a jacket.

-Tell it to the DA, Witherspoon.

-I'm not the girl for you.

Tooth fairy news now,

and it turns out the little blighter's working overtime.

Here, young Joe is missing the traditional two front teeth,

but the director clearly thought that was a bit of a cliche,

because later on the same day the missing teeth are altogether

hipper, edgier bottom-row ones.

Hands up!

Here's a clip from thin-on-laughs action comedy, 30 Minutes Or Less,

which, if it isn't a sequel to One Hour Photo, should be.

Here, Chet spray-painted the inside of the door.

It's like you bought a Mustang...

Luckily, by the time they stop, the paint's disappeared.

My wife gets angry when I eat sushi in the car.

She doesn't understand it makes me a better driver.

Hugely-disappointing, dreary war-fest Red Tails now,

and important advice on hat etiquette.

We need everyone on this next mission.

Young Joe here is committing a faux-pas of epic proportions

as Army regulations state that hats should be

removed when indoors...

and worn when outside.

He's doing neither.

He'd be a laughing stock at Ascot, the berk.

Cuba Gooding Jr is doing his best to win the coveted Pipe Smoker of the Year award.

Look at his masterful skills.

He's so good, he can simultaneously point out directions with it.

And smoke it at the same time.

Airports are stressful, all that queuing, waiting

and having your private bits probed by security.

These poor blokes are having a terrible time,

their duty free fags have finished and their plane has inexplicably changed from an A3...

..to A2.

Goodness knows where their luggage is going to end up!

Deck the hall with merry gentlemen, it's the most wonderful time of the chestnuts roasting

on a red-nosed sleigh bells jingle all the way.

I actually used to hate Christmas, but one day, just as I was about to jump in a river,

this angel came along and showed me what the world would have been like

if Great Movie Mistakes had never happened.

And let me tell you, it wasn't pretty, it wasn't pretty at all.

Thankfully, here's some festive movie goofs.

HE COUGHS

Timeless, feel-good, Christmas classic, It's A Wonderful Life, now

and James Stewart has brought with him, a festive bog seat covered in holly

to really liven up the atmos in the smallest room.

ALL TALK AT ONCE

He puts it down...

Harry...

..but it immediately springs back up again.

He must have caught his sleeve on a sprig.

Dancing is prohibited at this municipal pool, James,

it's the rules.

And where's your bathing cap?

Don't you know stray hair clogs the filters?

Even more so when your entire toupee floats off.

Well, I hope that distracts him from any heavy petting with that lady.

Before the tobacco ad ban,

they said a pipe really does something for a man.

And here you can see they're not wrong. See this smoking chap?

Instant sex change.

Proof you should just say no to pipes, BBC Three viewers.

Wait a minute.

I think I've got a date.

The Santa Clause is a reasonably jolly movie

if there's nothing else on.

And here's Father Christmas himself,

having trouble doing his only job of the year.

But what's this?

I know people say there's a blanket of snow,

but that just looks like an actual blanket to me.

Watch the skies, says the sign on the movie theatre

in the still very entertaining and funny festive treat, Gremlins.

Actually, that sign should have said,

"Watch the hills," as they're green and free of snow, unlike the rest of the set.

Here, one of the crew must have had a late-night kebab and a couple of cans,

as they're clearly visible pushing over the Christmas tree.

Christmas spirit? Christmas lager, I wager.

Now viewers, here's something you really, really don't want to do.

And that's cut the cable for some fairy lights with

a pair of metal scissors while they're still on.

But, here all the lights stay on.

They must have matted out the stuntman who fried doing the scene.

What would we do without crime?

Eh? If we didn't have crime, the Godfather films would be

about a series of christenings, Sexy Beast would be just two hours

of shiny cockneys having a lovely holly bobs, and Oceans 11 to 13

would be a dreary account of too many men making a deposit.

But, luckily there is crime.

Hurray for crime and all the films that are made about her.

Though, as you'll see,

crime movies are just as guilty of some inexcusable errors.

This is Drive, a soulless film about a character called The Driver,

who does driving... And crimes.

Here, the driver nudges a car off the cliff, the rotter.

But although he hits the door...

..it's the bumper that gets crumpled.

Which is going to play havoc with the no claims bonus.

Now for the dullest transformer ever.

A kind of Optimus Sub-prime.

The car that beeps at Ryan and Carey is clearly a silver Ford Focus.

But as it passes, it's equally clearly a blue Toyota.

Transformers, Toyota Corollas in disguise.

Sometimes in films, it's necessary to flip the shot,

for example if an actor has put his face on the wrong way round

or is frowning instead of smiling.

But hey, Drive film-makers, if you are going to flip the shot try to

do it when there's not lots of big writing on screen, yeah?

We have a bit of an underwear problem

in the moderately entertaining Man On A Ledge.

Joey is wearing his green undies

above his jeans because he is one of "da yoot".

But in the very same sequence they go all black.

This is why they normally don't let actors wear their own pants.

Robert De Niro is, of course, a follower of the Method School

developed by Lee Strasberg from the teachings of Stanislavsky.

Whereas Jason Statham supports Chelsea.

-What you doing?

-I'm going to get my watch back.

This is the pacey but basic action movie Killer Elite.

De Niro's training is in evidence here as simply can't decide whether

his character would wear his watch in his back pocket

or on his wrist.

Jason now peevishly kicks a slat from the chair he's tied to

but such is his kinship with all things wooden,

he's repaired it by next time we see it.

Hi. It's me, Robert Webb.

I'm glad you could make it.

What's your name?

What a funny name. What a very funny name.

Would you like some wine?

Cheers.

-Cut.

-You've just caught me making one of my new range of DVDs.

This one is like an interactive date. You know,

for lonely people who have basically given up.

But before they give up, they tend to go out on actual dates

to watch romantic movies.

It's the perfect opportunity to see incredibly attractive people

get up to all sorts of shenanigans on the bumpy road to love,

giving them magical memories to cry over later, alone.

And action!

Have you done something with your hair

if you're a woman, or trousers if you're a man?

Fancy a bonk?

Turgid bit of fluff Friends With Benefits now,

and this scene's designed to show us how fun this lady character is.

She outrageously draws on his face.

But here the marks have gone!

However, in the reflection,

there they are!

The marks are on his face. He bears the mark!

Ugh, tidying up, eh? It never ends.

That's what Justin Timberlake would be thinking about

if he weren't so focused on Mila Kunis's bottom.

Because no sooner has she taken out the rubbish from in front

of the sofa, than it appears again!

Chores. Huh! What are they good for?

-What?

-Let's have sex like we're playing tennis.

Jacob is sending a text message to Sam in Anna's kitchen.

Upon being questioned who he is texting,

he puts his phone down in front of the laptop computer and goes.

This is twinkly-sunlight, wistful Handycam, John-Lewis-ad-style,

lower-sixth, romance film Like Crazy, and as you can guess,

I'm filling time until the bit where Anna goes to check, and the

phone has changed its position to the side of the computer instead.

Some heartfelt acting from a suitcase acting.

As refusing to be outshone by these two moppets,

it moves to his left.

I mean, guys, it's a pretty big suitcase. Why aren't they moving it?

I think I know why.

It casts no reflection in the window in the shots of her.

Perhaps it is a vampire suitcase...

It's the sentimental and weepy One Day, and Emma can't make up

her mind about her wine.

She turns to get a glass

but in the next shot she doesn't have the bottle

and goes to take it again.

She pours it out and puts the bottle on her right

and now it's on her left.

And she does a terrible accent but we'll spare you that madness.

You know, we're a forgiving bunch here at GMME,

and there's nothing we like better than seeing a mistake unmade.

That's why we're thrilled that next year there's a whole crop

of films which are going to be remade, re-released or done in 3-D.

Let's hope they do it right this time,

not like these original doofs.

Ground-breaking thrill-athon Jurassic Park

is released in 3-D next year,

and this scene of flocking dinosaurs will look amazing.

Can I say "flocking" pre-watershed?

Anyway, watch as they run past the kids,

only to disappear in the next shot as they turn and run away.

Dinosaurs are big and dangerous, yes?

They might escape, so you need a strong fence around the perimeter.

All the way round, no gaps.

Not like that massive one to the left of the gate.

Oh, my God, dinosaurs! We're all going to die.

Independence Day is getting a shiny new stereoscopic makeover in 2013,

and let's hope it's a better special edition than the dreadful

full-screen DVD release which revealed some astonishing clunkers.

When under attack from 15-mile high flying saucers,

what's the best thing to do?

Run for cover, arm yourself, stick your head between your legs,

wet yourself... Don't do those last two at the same time, by the way.

Well, these Washington sightseers opt to keep calm and carry on,

milling about and taking photos before the White House

is blown to smithereens. The fools!

Now what do we do?

Of course, being the official residence of the leader

of the free world, security in the White House is second to none.

But no missile defence strategy could catch this intruder,

who flummoxed them all by crawling on his hands and knees. Clever.

A new version of Robocop is coming in, well, 2014, but will

they solve the big mystery of the very satirical and violent original?

Pay attention to Robocop's chin strap.

As when he removes his helmet, where's my chinstrap?

He's a chinstrap-less wonder.

Perhaps 2013's Man Of Steel can match the awesomeness

of the best Superman movie, Superman II.

This is my favourite bit.

Where Non throws Daily Planet editor Perry White about.

He's terrified.

Thankfully, a kindly crewmember on the right of the screen

is there to hold his hand. Bless.

Oh, I hate goodbyes, don't you?!

I feel like we've got to know each other

so much better over the course of the show

and now we're going to be torn asunder like so much unwanted paper.

Let's not put ourselves through this.

I'll just close my eyes

and you can all gradually creep away from your televisions.

Maybe a little wave as you go, but nothing too emotional or else,

I promise you, I shall cry!

Shall we, then? Let's hope it's au revoir.

Have they gone?

Good.