The Christmas Special On the Air

-There's a call on two.

-Hello, good morning.

Hello, Gerry. I've got a sensitive problem I want you to help me with.

I'm your man.

About a year and a half ago, I bought the wee daughter

one of them Native American turkeys...

-Yes.

-..with the intentions of carving him up last Christmas.

-Yes.

She got very fond of the turkey and we didn't get doing it last year.

The turkey's become a real pain in the neck this year

and I was thinking of pushing Gertrude off the perch.

Get that? Turkey, pain in the neck. Turkey neck. Listen...

No, no, no! No dig at you!

Ah, a thinly disguised dig at me.

Listen, you bought a turkey in all good faith last year and you,

-in your dark heart, had planned to kill it.

-Uh-huh.

Because your daughter's a normal human being, not like yourself,

she developed love and feelings for this turkey

and developed a relationship over time.

-For a turkey?

-This year, you want to kill it, don't you?

-Yes.

-Let that turkey live.

Have you ever tried keeping a turkey?

It was your fault for bringing it in.

That's why people get married.

They get married and say, "Why did I do that," but they have to keep them.

Basically, I thought I was doing a nice thing.

I had the cranberries and everything last Christmas

and now I'm stuck with a turkey a year and a half later

-and I haven't got eating it.

-Is it getting bigger?

-It's a monster.

-Does it live in the house or does it live outside?

No, no, it comes in and out just as it pleases.

GERRY LAUGHS

-And does she feed it?

-Yes.

Well, leave her be. Buy a turkey.

You cannot kill this turkey,

but to torture it when you bring the turkey,

dangle it in front of it, and say, "You watch yourself, boy."

CALLER LAUGHS

-All right, then.

-Thanking you.

-Bye!

-There's a man on one.

-Hello, good morning.

-Hello, Gerry.

-Oh, it's Geordie, I thought it was somebody. How are you?

-Now, now, now.

-I'm sorry, it's the way I talk.

I don't mean to demean you, but I thought it was someone I had to be polite with.

-There's a call. A gentleman wants to ask Geordie a question.

-Hello, sir.

-Hello, is that Gerry?

-Yes, Geordie can hear you.

Could you ask when the good weather is coming in?

"Geordie doesn't know," is the answer.

I've a few wee cows who're very upset. It must be the weather changing. So what could you do?

-Geordie, did you hear that?

-Well, do you know what I'd do?

Feed them and walk them and close them up for a week.

-Right.

-All right, that seems draconian.

Suppose they want to go to the toilet or the movies or something.

Can't they do it where they are?

I suppose you're right. Does that advice make any sense to you, sir?

I've roosters here at the minute and they're upset.

It must be... I don't know what's up with them. They're crowing away here.

Maybe there's no more lead in their pencils. Could be that.

-What do you think, Geordie?

-They need a hen. They're frustrated.

-They're no different from us.

-Yes, because I have no hens here at the minute, just roosters.

What are you running there, a gentleman's club?

Would you have...

I have some of the best crown roosters north, south, east or west.

It's hens he's looking for. Have you any hens?

-No, I've no hens.

-Well, yours are the same, walking round smoking.

Do you mind there you used to leave your old gold in, to the pawn shop?

-Excuse me?

-Do you mind that?

-That's right, yeah.

-They're crowing well, aren't they?

-That's not a good crow.

Interpret that crow for us.

I wouldn't call that a good crow.

Cock-a-doodle-doo!

That's good.

Geordie is the Rooster Whisperer.

ROOSTERS CROW

Geordie, those roosters seemed to respond to your call there.

Could you try that again?

Cock-a-doodle-doo!

ROOSTERS CROW

I think we'll put a stop to this now. Thank you all very much. Bye.

It's all right for you sitting there scratching your arse.

I have to sit here and think of things to talk about.

You just have to react. I'm doing all the hard stuff!

"Where do you get the listeners who phone into your show?

"They are hilarious."

Well, we keep them in a pen in Carrickfergus

and every once in a while when we need one,

we get one rounded up and put them on the phone.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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