Fake Tantrum On the Air

PHONE RINGS

HE LAUGHS

Good morning. Hold on, does this work? No, it doesn't. Of course not.

Why would I expect a thing like that? These things do...

For God's sake! Excuse me a second. I must come down here earlier.

-What's wrong with this thing?

-I don't know, what have you done?

The thing's not working. Oh, here it is, look.

MIC BUZZES

-Did we talk on the air about the fact that we discovered...

-No.

We have isolated a couple of well-known people

who were hithertofore, or should I say heretofore -

hitherto baldy but who are now not baldy.

And we went to great lengths

to try and discover where they got their hair from and we now know.

HE LAUGHS

I feel in need of it...

I feel as if I'm letting my listeners down

because every time I meet them,

they look at me and I'm grand from the front

but if I have occasion to bend down, or they come round behind me,

they can see I have a little hole on the back of my head,

where there is no hair.

This is unfortunate on television

because people always film you from behind when you're walking.

-I looked at myself - you know the way women look at you?

-Yeah.

When I walk along, and they look at me with desire in their eyes.

But then when they pass me, they see the baldy bit. They lose interest.

So I figure if they can stay with me front and back,

I might be in with a chance.

We've been trawling for volunteers.

For what?

You know what I'm talking about.

I don't know what you're talking about. For what?

-Tell me what you're talking about, trawling for volunteers?

-Yeah.

For your hairpiece.

-Oh, you mean...?

-Donors.

Listen, I'm not getting the respect in this programme

that I feel as if I'm due.

-Have you been out?

-What do you mean, out?

-Were you doing anything?

You're a strange colour.

-What colour am I?

-Nearly orange.

What?

Did something go wrong?

I...I was close to the Garvaghy Road yesterday.

-Were you tanned or sprayed? Did you get a wee...?

-Stop it.

-It's implying that, A - I'm vain.

-Well, you are.

-All right, don't gang up on me!

-Tell me this before you continue.

-Before we go any further...

-I want to...

-Before you continue.

-No, but...

-Before we go further.

-You see that...

-Hey!

-You see that we're...

-I'm not...

-I can't get a word in with you.

That's because I'm angry.

You interrupt me all the time, why shouldn't I interrupt you?

This is my programme.

Is this The Sean Coyle Show? No!

That's a little one that comes on later.

This is The Gerry Anderson Show. I can interrupt who I like.

I get no respect!

You're a strange colour. Maybe you should get your money back.

I am no colour.

You are, you're orange!

-I'm not orange.

-You are!

Who's there with me today? You notice I don't say, "Who's there with you?"

Because it's not about you, it's about me.

Do you think I have fake tan on?

-Yes, he says.

-Well, I have.

Only a wee bit.

I just can't get my head round the fact that any man...

He gets up in the morning and he's in his bedroom

and he looks at his body and he says,

"I must get some fake tan."

How can any human being be so vain as to do that?

I'm a metrosexual.

Are you?

Yeah. You're not. You're a golfer.

Yeah.

You don't understand the concept of looking a little better.

You see, you expect people to think that.

That's why I put it on.

Would you never say for instance,

if somebody put something on your face, "That's good."

Who's going to put that on my face?

You're afraid of your feminine side, that's what's wrong with you.

You're a big macho boy. You're one of those guys, and I know,

when you go into a shower in a communal changing room...

Have you ever seen those men?

The men who change and they all walk around going...

HE GRUNTS AND GROWLS

"I want to fight you!"

Walking around naked.

They're shouting because they're naked.

Walking around naked, they can't go, "Hello, how are you?"

They go...

-HE GRUNTS AND GROWLS

-Implying I'm one of them?

-Yes.

-Would you walk around naked in front of another man?

-Not at all.

Well, I would.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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