Gerry's Sinking Feeling On the Air

DIALLING TONE

Good morning, hello.

-Good morning. I was on your cruise.

-Yes.

-I boarded the coach with my sister-in-law.

-Yes.

-Went on the cruise.

-Did you enjoy it?

-Some of us.

-Right. What seemed to be the trouble?

The trouble was your arrogance portrayed by you on the ship.

-Excuse me?

-Excuse me, yes.

-Excuse me a moment - Sean, what is this?

Warts and all.

-Arrogance?

-Arrogance, precisely.

-I can vouch for at least 300 other passengers.

-300?

At least, who complained about your attitude on that ship

towards passengers. You totally blanked them out.

You and Mr Coyle.

LAUGHTER

You see, now I know it's not true because he spent all his time trying to get drinks of people.

He didn't ignore anybody, he mooched off everybody.

Excuse me, everyone I met and made friends with on that ship

had nothing but complaints about you both.

That's not a nice thing to say and I have to say it...

It may not be, but it's the truth.

That's counter to what we have been told, Mr Coyle.

How were we arrogant?

Totally and absolutely blanked most of the passengers.

Each and every one we spoke to, and we spoke to quite a few,

all complained, "why is Gerry Anderson so arrogant?

"Why won't he mix with the people?"

It cost us all a lot of money to go on that cruise.

-I was mixing with everybody.

-No, you were not.

You were never seen - only at night when you were introducing artists.

That's why they call me Dracula.

No, no. Sure I was knocking about during the day, for God's sake.

-Of course you were not.

-Where were you?

Well, I wasn't swimming alongside the ship anyway.

I think we might leave that now. Bye. Bye.

-No matter what I've ever done, I've never been popular.

-Aye.

But I'm not a nasty person, I'm a nice person.

But I don't go out of my way.

There's a wee wicked streak in you. You're like a wee fox terrier.

BARKS

PANTS

-But I genuinely like people.

-No, you don't. You're a wee loner.

-I'm not.

-You are.

-I talk to YOU, for God's sake.

-You're a wee snob.

I'm not stuck up. I'm the most friendly person.

People who know me can't believe how friendly I am.

-OK, one example.

-What?

You refusing a man a seat at a table you were sitting at on your own.

-I thought he was a Jehovah's Witness.

-You didn't.

You looked up and said, "no," so don't...

This man, I was in a cafe

and I'm sitting there and I see a man coming in.

He had a briefcase and looked like a man who was out looking for souls.

Bah, humbug. Tell the truth. Tell it as you told it.

I looked at him - and you know the way people smile all the time?

He came over and took his hand out like that there,

like a bank manager.

I recoiled and he said, "Can I shake your hand?"

And I said, "Uh." He said, "Do you mind if I join you?"

"As a matter of fact, I do."

Because he was coming at me like a bank manager.

-You know the way they go...

-HE FALSE-LAUGHS LOUDLY

"How are you! You mind if I join you!"

-There's a call on one.

-Hello, good morning.

I have got a severe complaint about you.

What's that?

-Right, my wife spoke to you two weeks ago.

-Yes.

You were going to send a CD to her.

I haven't seen my wife now for two weeks.

She's sitting waiting for the postman every day.

-She obviously caught me...

-Do you want to hear how upset she is?

Hold on, the dogs haven't seen her either. Listen.

BARKING

Thank you, that's enough.

That's obviously a CD that needs to be sent soon.

BARKING

He's got six dogs!

They haven't been fed or watered.

They're starving to death - she won't come down from the top of the drive.

Listen to this -

I will pass your telephone number onto Mr Anderson after the show.

-And he won't phone me.

-He will phone you...

-No, he won't.

Sean, you know as well as I know, he won't phone me.

-You need to ask him.

-He won't!

-Ask him.

Ask me, "Will I phone you?"

Gerry, will you phone me?

No.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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