04/04/2017 The One Show

Hello, and welcome to The One Show with Michelle Ackerley.

And Matt Baker, who is very excited because later on we'll be

talking to his mate, gymnastic superstar, Max Whitlock.

But first, if talking was an Olympic sport,

tonight's guest would be top of the podium every time,

and to be honest, we'll be lucky to get a word in edgeways tonight.

Please welcome the broadcasting legend and professional

motor mouth that is - Danny Baker.

I look so bald on television. People remembered when I used to have a

full head of hair. Making you feel old isn't it.

We're going to be talking to you later about your new stage show -

I have become a baggy pants comic. It is right the show is meant to be

90 minutes but people are having trouble shutting you up. Shocking.

You could say the public can't get enough. There you go. I The first

half of the show in Leeds is longer than 0 minutes it runs three hours

without the interval but I have to say, people come out and they say,

man alive it is like being lashed to the front of an old tea clipper

going through a storm. I have been doing it 41 years, and if you can't

get an evening, getting people rocking and rolling, you haven't

been paying attention. That is very true. We will chat to you later on.

Can you remember a time when you couldn't use the internet

at home if someone in the house was on the phone -

and when it took half a day to do something simple

Well, believe it or not, some places in the UK

Welcome to the village in North Wales. It has everything you would

expect of a small coastal community, but, there is a problem. Recent

Government figures have hone this maul rural village has the worst

broadband speeds in Britain. Connection here in the shadow of

Snowdonia isn't much better than at base camp at Mount Everest. Ofcom

recommends the minimum speed is 10 megabits per second but here the

speed of simple internet task was recorded at round 2 megabits per

second. Five times slower than that that minimum. What impact is that

having on the community. My first port of call is parents at the local

school. How bad is broadband? It is like watching paint dry. You watch

it going round. It similar possible you can't work with it. Things that

people take for granted, who have got mobile phone signal, you can't

do in this village. Trying to do anything with a smart TV, forget it,

you have no chance. It isn't fast enough.

Hello everybody. School itself is connected to

superfast fibre optic broadband but sluggish broadband at home is

preventing some pupils from completing their homework. Give us a

noise that expressing how you feel about it? The internet is rubbish,

we can't research stuff. It comes up with unable to connect. Then the

circle goes round and round. Then it stops completely. And says it can't

open, no Wi-Fi connected. How long does it take to do you homework?

Hours and hours. But it is not just a problem in the

village. The recent House of Commons report reveals that seven out of the

top ten worst speeds were recorded right here in Wales.

Thank you for coming. This businessman lives in the

neighbouring village where he runs a website marketing holiday homes like

this one. So what broadband speed can holiday-makers expect here?

About five here at the moment. 5.77. And the Government says 10 is the

minimum. Although five megabitings should be enough to browse the

internet or send an e-mail he says speeds like this are not nearly

enough to meet his business needs. I try to advertise holiday cot tags

and we make video, and I stick those up on YouTube if I can. It can take

six, seven hours to upload that. I pay for as good a service as we can

get. We get about nine megas download. My competitors over the

border, they have much better broadband speeds and they maybe able

to upload half a dozen in that time. To find out why some residents

aren't getting the recommended speeds, I have set up a meeting with

alwin William, a director from BT responsible for infrastructure here,

we are doing it over the internet. In order to ensure a connection BT

have advised us to come to this farmhouse four miles outside of the

village which has benefitted with superfast broadband.

Can you explain why the people in the village and the surrounding area

have such terrible broadband speeds? Well, actually they don't have

terrible broadband speeds, they have access to probably the best

broadband speeds across the UK, three-quarters of the residents of

the village can today order a fibre service. What about those struggling

with the standard speeds? We have kids in the school who can't do

their homework, because the broadband is so slow. Only 21% of

households in the village have taken up the fire brigade service. But

they have to pay extra for that, and I mean I don't live in this area, I

don't pay extra for mine but I get better speeds. It is up to the

service provider what they charge for a broadband service over a fibre

network, every household is going to have different needs, in terms of

the consumption, what they connect to. It is your choice as a customer.

So, BT says the best way to get faster broadband speeds is to

upgrade to the fibre network. That is of little consolation to this man

who says he is on the best package he can get. I know it is difficult

to have broadband to roll it out to everything. It would be nice to be

on a level playing field. Thank you. Thanks Alex and we're

joined by another Alex - Alex Neill from consumer group

Which. As far as worst areas are concerned,

we heard seven in the top ten are in Wales, so what about the other

three? Where are those? Poor people of Wales, the or three from in

England Saffron Walden Ron, deson and Woucestershire. Millions of

people said they are struggling with poor connection, drop out and slow

speeds, is is a problem for a number of people. Not necessarily rural

areas. Not necessarily. It could be urban areas as well. That is one the

big issues here, lots of people are struggling with day-to-day activity,

when we are being asked to go online more and more, banks are closing, we

are forced to do things online more than we used to be. If you can't get

online that is frustrating. Why have the government set the target at 10

megabits per second? How far are we from that? The Government says

everyone has a right to get it. Some places you will get more, with 10

megabite, that means you can go online, do browsing, use online

banking and stream and download films, the only problem if you have

a busy household, lots of teenagers and mum and dad doing things at the

same time, that is when things grind to a halt. So there are real

problems with ten potentially, but for some people that would be a

welcome addition to what they have got. For sure, and Which? Are

campaigning for people who aren't really getting what they pay for, as

far as the speed of their broadband is concerned. What tips have you got

for those people? For many you are paying a price and not getting what

you pay for. You need to check what speed you are getting, so if you go

to the Which? Website you can use the tool. Then you seed to see what

you were supposed to be getting. There are a few things you can do in

your home to make sure you get better speeds. In your home, make

sure that you have your Ruther outon show, they have not the most

attractive things, but it affects the speed you get. Always keep it

on. Your router is the one thing you must have on because that affected

speeds down the line. Make sure that you get your broadband provider to

give you the latest router, again they are quicker, and with your

laptop or PC, have the latest software on there. Otherwise, once

you have done that and you keep checking your speed. If you are not

getting what you pay for, you need to get in touch with your provider.

That woman on there, from, numbingly corporate woman saying it is up to

the customer, there is no problem, if their office went off line for

ten minutes they would be howling like timber Wolves, this these days

a, broadband should be like electricity, imagine someone

patronising, your TV goes off at 10.00, you should get a better

package, we are hear for know. I wasn't engaged until you see someone

saying it is your fault you are not getting good broadband, your lovely

internet company, we are here for you. Profits. Profits. She is not

here to defend herself. That is my answer. Thank you very much. For

more information make sure you head to the website.

Having to deal with unreliable broadband when your livelihood

depends on it is an issue that would get most of us complaining.

And no one likes complaining more than our original grumpy

old man Arthur Smith - but he may have just

We live in a time when the my nigh shy of life, a forgotten password.

Unsolicited phone calls. Hello. Smith. No! Poorly designed

biscuits. The phrase first world problems has

become a shorthand for all our petty gripes and perhaps you think our

generation has a monopoly on moaning. But, you would be wrong,

because we have discovered the possible source for this river of

modern misery. And this was the growners gospel.

I have come to London's oldest coffee house to consult the miseries

of human life, by James Beresford. Publish in 1806. I have have my

hands on a rare and delicate first edition here. I better be generale.

So, what were the trials and tribulations of Georgian society?

Being compelled to hear bad grammar, bad emphasis etc from persons who

ought to no much better, without the liberty of interfering. It is a

first world problem, innet. I am wondering if our gripes have changed

all that much. I am sure my friends on social media may have a thing or

two to say. I should expect a deluge. ? While I am waiting I want

to find out a bit more about James Beresford so I am visiting the

city's oldest book shop to meet Professor Brian Maidman. Who was he?

He was the re-rend Beresford. He worked for 20 odd years, he was a

writer and parody is one of his big things. Did the book reflect its

time as well. ? Yes, two ways of looking at London. Theatrical

spectacle or nightmare dangerous haunt of thieves. One minute you are

walking happily and next minute you have bumped into a scavenger. This

is a classic example of misery, this is where a bull has got loose on the

street. That notion where the streets can suddenly turn into

somewhere dangerous. The misery is a work of Muir, very dry humour.

Sitting on a chair on which you discover that honey has been spilled

until, as rising to make your bow, you carry away the cushion.

The miseries was a sensation, published in two languages with 11

editions over a 20 year period. But there is something very modern and

familiar about all this. They look a bit like tweets now, almost. They

do, almost. In fact some of them fit within the 140 characters, I have

noticed. I never thought of that. The torrent of social media comments

streaming in with their untold first world misery could be from any page

of Beresford's book. Getting caught in the rain and my hair looking like

I have put my finger in a socket. As Beresford says losing your way on

foot at night in a storm of wind and rain and this after leaving a merry

fire side. But, tonight, I am going to put

Beresford to the ultimate test, in the modern day bear baiting pit,

that is stand up comedy. On entering the room to join an

evening party composed of remarkably grave strict and precise persons,

suddenly finding out you are drunk. And what is worse, still, that the

company is shared with you in this discovery.

It might be 200 year old material but it still gets a laugh Going out

of London, your carriage met and blockaded on the road by gangs of

the carrion and Alf of the human species, swarming home, in savage

jollity from a bull baiting boxing match, or an execution.

Well, James Beresford has taught me that times change, clothes change,

culture changes, but, human beings never really tire of moaning about

stuff. And frankly, I've had enough now, that's your lot. Good night.

That broadband speed thing has got people talking. Lots of people

saying they get less than two. If you do have problems, get in touch

with your provider. That is always a joy! That will only take you two

days for you to get through to someone who will say it is your

fault. What else gets your goat? I am a Pollyanna. I think everything

is for the best. I mean it. I am not like that. I don't like the phrase,

ahead of their time. That is the arrogance of chronology. If you

watch an old film, and people say it was such ahead of its time, that

this just to flatter us now. In fact, a lot of those old films would

not get released today but I hate that phrase. It means we are clever

enough to get it now but back in the past they were not. That is

interesting. Your life story was turned into the show Cradle To The

Grave but now you are during a stage show, you have described as radio

without the radio. I had no idea what this was going to be. People

made up their minds about me a long time ago. If I was run over by a

steam roller, people would say, Daz man dies. I have been a writer a

long time, I have been doing this 41 times. If you cannot get a show out

of that... I am trying to scale things down and we began in Leeds in

February and I thought, after 41 years, I am one of the few people I

think, apart from Griff Rhys-Jones who has worked with different,

whether it is Kenneth Williams, Tommy

Cooper, Frankie Howard, Spike Milligan, then through the punk rock

years, and was working with the Clash... You have some amazing

stories. The plan was to leap through things and the one thing I

hear, we did not know it was going to be live, it is a whirlwind.

Instead of it being about the books and the TV series, at the end of the

night, it is a three hour show. It is powerful. At the end, I have not

even left school yet! There are other things in it. Already they are

booking next year. That is fine, but the plan was, that this was going to

be a few dates to say farewell. I am 60 in June. You are showing no signs

of stopping. If my wife was watching, yes it is! This show has

come as the biggest surprise, because we started in Leeds, going

back to Yorkshire, I think people need a warm up. It surprised me and

surprised everyone else, because having done everything from adverts

to talk shows, to writing, I have written for every comedian out

there, when I walked out in Leeds, I did not know what I was going to.

Most of the show is very different, because on the night, I have a

licence to go wherever I like. It is an intimate experience. A lot of

comedians have come to see it and say, why do not save some of that

stuff? You cannot help it, it is whether I am telling stories about

my father or Spike Milligan or Peter Kay, they just, and I hope, all I

want to do is make people go out there and not learnt a damping.

There is no message, you come out and get on with our real thing. Are

you knackered? I do for days on and three days of, by the end, my voice

is gone. You are entitled to, too many people, and you know, seeing

people on the sofa, they think their duty is to appear, not work. It is

not enough, we know who you are, do something! Me and the audience enter

a packed, I will keep going. It is not like Ken Dodd. Limmy put it

another way, it is like Ken Dodd. I am having more fun than I am

entitled to and a Swiss Army knife of a career, these dates have been

added. It has sold out. Every night, it is great. I am not a stand-up and

it is not quite stand-up, but neither is it reminiscing. We have

not recorded any of it yet, it is relentlessly upbeat. I know you have

got to move on, it started from one thought. Being 41 years and having

been through every kind of show business, I have done this before,

but ask me if I have met Madonna? I don't know, I think so. Ask me if I

have met Kenny West? I think so. Have you met Max Whitlock? He is

coming on very shortly and hopefully we will have time to speak to him!

Going around the UK until the end of the month, Cradle To The Stage.

Danny's sitcom is called Cradle to the Grave,

but thankfully he hasn't made it to the grave just yet.

Unlike our One Show wildlife photographer Richard Taylor Jones -

but don't worry, it's not as bad as it sounds.

It is quite spectacular. Ask my wife and she will tell you I have dug my

own grave more times than I care to mention, but today, I am digging a

grave with a very specific purpose in mind. To film one of winter's

most fabulous wildlife spectacles. On the wash pastry in Norfolk you

can find a wading bird that spends winters here. Few sites can equal

this as thousands of them fly together, but one enormous creature

in the air. As impressive as it can be, watching those birds out there,

it is not all I'm here to see, because when there is a really high

tide, they do something rather special. Jim Scott is from the RSPB

based here. All these wading birds are using the mudflats to feed on.

As you get to the high side, it covers the ground is forcing the

birds to leave those areas, the flats are completely covered. They

come, over our heads and sometimes there are thousands behind us. It is

here, in this gravel pit and on these islands were the knot will

stay until the tide turned. It is not very big for the tens of

thousands of bird you're talking about. The knot in particular love

to pack in these dense flocks and this one eyelid can hold up to

20,000 birds. An amazing spectacle. To capture the spectacle, I want to

get as low as I can so I am on the same level of them. I will need to

be hidden, so as not to spook them, which is why I am digging. Luckily

for me, the RSPB already have a grave here in situ and all I need to

do is add some finishing touches. High tide occurs just after dawn

tomorrow, so in order to catch the birds, I have got an early start. It

is about five o'clock in the morning and the knot are out there on the as

tree seeding which means that I can go and get myself into position

without disturbing them. I am going on. I will see you tomorrow. Once I

am in my grave, I just have a cold and dark and wait for the birds to

start coming in. Wheels have a second camera further away which can

pinpoint my position. At the moment, it is difficult to see anything. I

can definitely hear that. I think the birds are coming into land now.

As the sun rises, I see the mass of knot arriving, being pushed here by

the high tide. I am blown away. There are tens of thousands of

birds, just metres away from me. They are also on top and around my

grave. Despite the island in front of me looking completely filled, the

knot continue to arrive, packing themselves in in large groups as a

way of protection from predators. From my position, this gives me a

glimpse into that world. It just takes one bird to suddenly lift up

its head in fright and the others, all react, it is like a wave passing

through the flock and then some of them set off, left, others set off

right and some state stationary in the middle. It is a mesmerising

thing to watch. Once they've finished jostling for position, it

is time for them to grab some sleep before the opportunity to feed

again, but the spectacle is not over yet, because as the tide turns...

There they go, as soon as one bird decided it was time to be off, the

others just seem to follow in a domino effect and with a rush of

bodies and feathers, pretty much all the knot have disappeared back off

out into the history. For such a small bird, the knot certainly have

to put on a magnificent display. I can comfortably or should I say I'm

comfortably say that that is one of the most incredible things I have

ever done. Being that close, to that many birds, I have near -- never

experienced anything like it. From a spectacular flock of birds

to a man who was flying high CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. Good to see

you. How are things? I am good. Let's just remind everyone what you

got up to in Brazil and if you turn right, we will make our way over to

the sofa. Applause -- APPLAUSE. . He just needs to land this one. Up

high. Good twisting. Fabulous landing. He floated his way through

that routine. We now have a double Olympic

champion in gymnastics. APPLAUSE. And now, seeing stars. In

a while. Max, always good to see you, I will never forget that double

Olympic gold, it happened within about two hours of each other. It

was crazy. I still feel surreal. It is a weird feeling, to feel it is

done is crazy. And an MBA as well? That was in February. Yes. We have a

picture of you meeting the Queen, what was that like? She said to me,

I love gymnastics, everything you do looks impossible, which I thought

was pretty cool. And then she spoke about the rise of gymnastics. It was

nice. A nerve-wracking day. Brilliant. You are taking a break at

the moment, we know that you are working on some new routines but you

are taking part in the National Lottery Awards, tell us a little bit

more? It is celebrating the unsung heroes, the people who do not get

recognised, who really deserve our recognition, sometimes working

behind-the-scenes and it is basically urging people to nominate

now. They have got until midnight on Friday to nominate for the awards

for their favourite project in the UK. How can people get involved?

They can go online. They can do it by phone, on Twitter, they have got

to nominate their favourite UK project to be of a chance to win.

There was a wonderful example of the special achievement award last year.

Glenn and Yvonne, I have the moment were you give them their award, tell

us about them. There is a gymnastic connection. What they have created

is incredible and there is a gymnastic connection. What they have

created is incredible and their story was what was unbelievable

about it. They sold their house to keep the local gym going. They lived

in the gym to keep it going. The National Lottery jumped on board,

help them out and now it is a gym with thousands of members. It must

have been amazing for you to go there and completely surprised them.

They had no idea you were coming. It was a good day, a good surprise and

an honour for me to do it. They are into night.

APPLAUSE. What did it mean to you guys? It was special. As Mark said,

each year after we had been in the gym, we had been there since 2012,

the lottery asked of it would be OK to come and do some filming and I

thought they were just doing filming and the day rolled on and at one

stage, I turned to Yvonne and said what is the time and he said was

half past five. Most of the gymnasts go at half past four and I wonder

what the kids were still doing there and the moment I said that, in walks

Max Robbie Ward. APPLAUSE. You have got until

midnight this Friday to nominate a foreigner -- lottery fund a project.

You can catch Danny's Cradle to the Stage tour until

Anne Reid, Chris Packham and Rylan Clarke will be joining us

on the sofa and we have music from Imelda May.