07/10/2016 The One Show


07/10/2016

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Patrick, it is perfect on the show tonight. Does that mean I am

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interesting, quintessentially Irish, quietly important, quality idiots?

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That is the one. # Trying to make a move just

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to stay in the game. # I try to stay awake

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and remember my name. # But everybody's changing

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and I don't feel the same. APPLAUSE. Welcome to The One Show.

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Patrick Kielty is back. And Alex Jones, what a lovely start. That was

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former Keane front man. He is looking hot and sexy. He looks like

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Tom Huddleston. Taylor Swift will be doing backing vocals later. He will

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be performing a track from his very first solo album at the end of the

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programme. We have more great against, one of home is an avid

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bird-watcher and these gas, they are quite rare breeds. One is a highly

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intelligent migratory bird who has made the journey from dead bark and

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risen to the top of the channel show pecking order. One is a greater

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spotted comedian often seen touring the British Isles with his

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distinctive facial plumage and exquisite birdsong. Let us see if we

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can spot them. But these terrible binoculars. They are very far away.

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I have them the wrong way around. Hang on. There we go. It is Sandi

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Toksvig and Bill Bailey! The Birdy Song. Nice to meet you. Is that

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right? Just for future reference. Put some breathing holes. Could you

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not breathe through your mouth? I did not think of it. We just brought

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two of the most intelligent performers on to the The Birdy Song.

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It is very The One Show! It is comedy gold. I have been attacked by

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a vulture on the show. Anything to do with birds. We bonded over a

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vulture. We were both nearly attacked, it was awful. Bill, we

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will be talking about this remarkable book, there it is, what

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is that? Scared. Clever. Lots of great facts. Lots of them. Something

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came up in the research, ravens, Tower of London, the idea that if

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they ever leave, the monarchy will fall, very cleverly, they are

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clipped and they can never leave! Does the Queen, round? First bird

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fact. They are incredibly bright, very intelligent. When Vladimir

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Putin visited, one of them said good morning to him. In Russian. We will

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be talking to you Sandi about your brand new appointment in QI. Last

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time you were on, you talked about your part in founding the Woman's

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Equality Party. This week we have learned how Ukip sort out their

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differences, how he did does it get? Obviously, women's party can get

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tense, we had an awkward discussion about whether the cream or the jam

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should go on to this: first, Devon versus Cornwall. We have got a very

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big treat for you, not for you, but for you guys, because we will be

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tasting the most expensive whisky on sale in the UK. Of all the times to

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be pregnant! It casts an eye watering ?20,000 per bottle. That is

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wider and security. We have Kim Kardashian security guard and the

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audience from The Price Is Right! It is not necessarily the best time to

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be taking on a brand-new high profile position. From England

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manager Sam Allardyce to Ukip's Diane James, we have seen some

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pretty rapid rise and fall is, but they are not the only ones lacking

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staying power as Tommy discovered. What is your problem? Have you ever

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been sacked? Or did you resign? You cannot fire me, I quit. Sometimes,

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it is just not that easy to hold onto that dream job. Many have

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failed. Sam Allardyce is recent 67 day stint as England manager was an

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age compared to some. A less was the reign of Lady Jane Grey as Queen of

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England, she had just nine days, the Berger lost her head. Or the actor

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George Lazenby, 007 for just 90 minutes. This never happened to the

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other fell off. Then there was George Entwistle, director-general

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of the BBC for just 54 days. Recognise the thing, it is back to

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the future, hang on, that is not Michael J Fox! Eric Stoltz was

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originally cast as Marty McFly but they got rid of him. What are you

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doing, we need to get you back to the future to find another job! You

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know about this kind of stuff, if I am only any job for five minutes

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will it affect my long-term career future? It will not help. What is

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worse, been sacked or resigning because you cannot get? 80% of the

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time you're better to have a conversation, because if you do not,

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you do not have control, it extra stress go through the roof and

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secondly, the organisation does not understand what you can do for them

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and what you want in return. If it is not right for you, you need to

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tell them. What is the shortest career time you have ever come

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across? And marketing director working for one of our biggest

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institutions, who was sacked on the first day for sitting in his office

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and reading the Financial Times. It happens to the best and the rest.

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Thank you. What is the shortest job you have ever been any duration

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wise? Three months. We can. Ten years. One evening. What happened?

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It was baby-sitting gig. Give the kids back. Cleaning toilets. I was

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in at about ten seconds. Internship. It ended because I was not getting

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paid. Why we only there for three months? I did not like my bars.

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Losing the job can mean having to change your wardrobe. In Jeremy

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Corbyn's case, it was the whole Cabinet. Part last resigned from her

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dream job after just two days. When it comes to keeping your job, good

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luck. The main thing we have learned today, it is you again, the third

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time today, I know you have only started, but you have to go. You are

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fired, Sun! I did two hours as our red pepper chopper but I was not

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chopping quick enough. I was fired. I have never really done anything,

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never asked back for any shows apart from this one! Patrick The One Show

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Kielty, that is what they call me. It suggests a low standard for this

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show. You have been on QI about 17 times as a guess, it must be a dream

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job. It is my favourite show. It is a perfect chill, you feel you being

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entertaining and informative. You no idea where it will go. You turn up

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and it happens. It flows in every direction. We had some extraordinary

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moments, Alan Davis, there is a moment, I was not responsible for

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the edit, but there is a moment where he fakes an orgasm. One of the

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single funniest things I have ever seen. Tune in just for that. I have

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never seen that. I have not seen out on the Natural World. Who knew that

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female child could be bothered to do that! It was in New York deli as

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well -- trout. Here is a clip. Just to be eccentric, we do not know,

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there is a story that Richard Daley, made a bet that within 48 hours he

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could get a word into common parlance and he distributed the word

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quiz to be put on walls all over Dublin and it became part of the

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language. That is from inquisitive. An inquisition. You're in the right

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chair. I got a cold feeling, then. APPLAUSE. . You knew that

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straightaway. What we loved about it, it looked like you have been

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doing it all your life. I was so comfortable. I know everyone, the

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only thing about it, I had the same chair that Stephen Fry had and they

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had to put it on a platform, I had to climb into the chair, because I

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was too short! It is much too short for the desk. Maybe next series I

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will get my own chair. What is your favourite fact about N? Sometimes

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your house smells and you do not know if your houses knowing, you can

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reboot your nose, introduce more oxygen and you do that by running up

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and down the stairs. They get to the bottom of the stairs and you

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suddenly go, that is a terrible smell. You have rebooted journals. I

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do not know what you do if you live in a bungalow. Move house! --

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rebooted your nose. I think you might need to reboot your as! QI is

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back for another series on BBC Two web Sandi at the helm album -- on

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the 21st of October. It is nearly time to taste the posh whisky.

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Scottish whisky is regarded as the best in the world. They do not even

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know how to spell it. Another country has taken on the Scots and

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Irish. It is a story that John Sergeant was very happy to tell. For

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obvious reasons. The highlands of Scotland can be so attractive. The

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mountains, the fresh air and of course the whisky. Across Scotland,

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there are over 100 distilleries, whisky accounts for more than 85% of

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Scottish food and drink exports. ?4 billion worth. Around the world,

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millions of people are partial to a wee dram. This is an award-winning

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whisky, one of the best in the world. But the strangest thing is,

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it does not come from around here, it comes from Japan. If I go on like

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this, I will get smashed, honestly. How the Japanese came to be so good

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at making whisky goes back to 1918 and the arrival in Glasgow of a

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Japanese chemistry student. He combined his studies here with

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apprenticeships in several whisky distilleries. And he returned to

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Japan with more than just expertise in Scotch whisky. He had fallen in

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love with a local girl, Rita Callen. Harry Hogan is her great nephew.

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This photograph is where they first met. He was invited to the house by

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Rita's sister to teach jujitsu to her brother, camel. Eventually, he

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moved on as a lodger. During that period of time, he got to know Rita

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well. They cut up the pudding and his piece had the silver sixpence

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and in Rita's piece was a ring, was that a message? Definitely. Within a

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very short space of time, they married. That must have been quite a

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strange thing to happen, a mixed marriage back then. It was very

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unusual. The families were upset but eventually, they came to the

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conclusion it was the best thing for everyone. At the end of 1920, they

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moved to Japan. That must have been a culture shock. I am sure it was.

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Very few people spoke English, but she got involved very quickly, she

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started offering piano lessons and teaching English to some wealthy

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families. Rita's income helped to tide them over and he was able to

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set out his own distillery. Life changed abruptly for the couple when

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Japan entered World War II in 1941. On December seven, 1941, Japan like

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its infamous axis partners to clergy were afterwards. By then, Rita was a

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naturalised Japanese citizen and she was suspected of being a spy,

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sending intelligence to be allies and she was kept under constant

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surveillance by the secret police. The war led to a boom in their

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business. This man is the boss of a

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distillerly. They developed a taste for whisky. Then came along the war.

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The suppliers cut off. It gave them an opportunity to sell their own

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whisky. You cannot fight a war without whisky, can you? Definitely

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not. After Japan's defeat, foreigners, including Rita, were

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slowly accepted back into the community.

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The Nikka distillery continued to thrive and still does today. One

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time arriving at the station and surprise, surprise, it is all tartan

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and shortbread, all this sort of thing. It is like being in Scotland.

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So a bit of Scotland has been planted in Japan. Very much so.

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In Japan, Rita is now much more than one half of a famous love story.

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She's renowned in her own right as the mother of Japanese whisky and I

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will certainly drink to that. John having a terrible time there,

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as we could all see! He's still missing in the Highlands... If

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anyone knows of his whereabouts. ?20,000 a bottle. It comes in its

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own cabinet. Each shot is ?1,000. We have not paid for it, so just down

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it. Really? Basically you are turning The One Show into a stag

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weekend! Smell it.

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This is a whole week's drinking in one sit. I let it touch my lips and

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that's ?700! I've had a terrible life... I

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have... I've always loved you. You are my best mate... No, no, no, no.

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Is there four people there? It is nice. It's lovely... You are not

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sure, are you? It is delicious. I will not rush out and buy... I feel

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it is a luxury drink. We should probably talk about... As we are all

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flying - I just thought about that after the first sentence. Tell us

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about the new book. Where did the inspiration come for this joy? Well,

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I think I have grown up in the West Country. My mum and dad going out to

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bird sanctuaries was always a family day out. So, it is, it came about

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really because a very old friend of mine who lives in the troopics in

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ind nose, I was with him -- troopics in Indonesia. I was with him, and I

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said anything you miss about Britain? He said it is the subtle

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colours of the British birds, the browns and the seasonal changes you

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don't get there. It made me re-think British birds, so when I came back I

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started to look at them in a different way. And then the

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opportunity to do the book came along. I thought I want to make a

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book about ordinary birds. Birds you used to see in your back garden. It

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is really for people, not necessarily bird watchers and

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twitchers, but people who don't know much about birds and this is a

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notebook. It is full of lovely illustrations. Very realistic

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pictures drawn by yourself. A very realistic picture... It is a

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regional variation. That whisky is a lot stronger than I thought! There

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are really good facts. We had one at the top of the show. Let's reel off

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some more. Here's one for you. Are you the guy at the bar going... I

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want to tell you about birds... ? You get four birds in a Renault...

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No! Oh, it is like being with a you kip

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person! -- a Ukip person! 1400 WRENS weighs

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the same as a swan. It weighs one swan. If you are... It

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must have been a very patient swan. How did somebody find out? That

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fact, I don't know. I suppose someone, that is a hobby. Can you

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identify this bird? Oh, sorry!

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Patrick One Show Kielty. It is amazing... It gives you psychic

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powers. It has a beak... It's... All four of us sitting here waiting for

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it to appear! No, that is... You don't see these

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very often. It is a cuckoo. No, it isn't. It is called Bill

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Bailey and flying over the sister har ra to the Congolese -- over the

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Sahara to the Congolese... I am delighted by that. I am very

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chuffed. Thank you very much. How marvellous. Bill aes Bill's

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Remarkable Guide to British Birds is out now. And the new series of Q it

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is about N. So our next film is about juggling. Shouldn't that be

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nuggling. Not dropping stuff... Oh, not

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dropping stuff! Circus acts have entertained

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families for generations and my personal favourite is the jugglers.

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You may not have noticed, performers almost never juggle any more than

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seven or eight items. Juggling three, five or even seven objects is

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relatively straightforward. Add one or two more and it rapidly becomes

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absurdly difficult. The record for juggling balls,

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throwing and catching them more than once each, is 11. Achieved in this

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attempt by Alex Baron, the only person to do it on camera. Is it

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possible to juggle more than 11 balls? Or does physics make it

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impossible? Gravity, the height you throw the

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balls and hand speed all place limits on how many balls you can

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juggle. Here to help explain this is Dr Colin Wright. The problem is the

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more balls you add it becomes disproportionately harder, that is

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because of gravity and how it works. What goes up must come down. But the

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problem is that objects like this ball don't go up and down at a

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consistent speed. As I throw the ball, it has to go

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fast out of my hand, but then it slows down when it gets to the top

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and stays there for a while and then starts to come back down again. When

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it comes to you it will once again travel fast.

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So you can see there, it actually seems to hang in the air for a long

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time. That is actually what happens. When you are juggling nine or the

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world record, 11, half of them are hanging their at the very top of the

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pattern and they all have to miss each other. And that is what makes

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it difficult. Because of this quirk of gravity,

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the more balls you add, the more congested the top of the arc

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becomes. So you need a lot more precision to stop them hitting each

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other. So that is one limit that makes juggling high numbers so

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difficult. To help me understand the other limits, Colin and I are

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meeting one of the UK's top jugglers, Josh Turner. Every time

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you have the ball you have less time to throw the balls yund have to

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throw them higher. Juggling more balls means you have to juggle them

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higher or faster, to give yourself time to deal with the extra balls.

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It is those limits of height and speed that cap how many it is

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possible to juggle and once again gravity makes things difficult.

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Here, tick, tick, I am juggling this high at this speed. If I want to get

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twice the time, tick, tick, I have to throw, tick, tick tick, tick.

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That is four times the height. So to avoid having to hurl balls miles

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into the air jugglers juggle faster. There are limits on how high and how

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fast someone can juggle. If we know what those height and speed limits

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are, we can work out a theatrical maximum number of balls.

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It starts to suffer there in the drop.

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Josh managed to juggle at seven metres for a short period. Juggling

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any higher than that would require almost superhuman strength. So that

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provides one limit for Josh, but the other limit on how many balls you

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can juggle is set by how fast your hands can move.

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Then it was too fast. Slowed down we can see Josh can make

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around eight throws a second before it simply becomes impossible.

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Combining that with Josh's maximum height of seven metres you can

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calculate that Josh could, in theory, juggle 15 balls. But that

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would require complete accuracy and no errors.

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So, in theory, the 11-ball record could be broken. But because of the

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limits of gravity and also hand speed, the jug her would need to be

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hugely strong. It would also be a super-human effort of precision.

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Here we go... I can't do three, let alone 11. We

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have done three. We cannot make it 11. That is almost it tonight.

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Thanks to Sandi, to Bill. Good luck with QI and the book. Thank you. We

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have more great guests next week, including Tom Hanks. Can you

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believe! Now from The Wave, it is former Keane front man, Tom Chaplin,

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with Quicksand. Have a great weekend.

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# Yeah, take it from me # It's how it'll be.

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# But if you crash-land in the quicksand.

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# I will pick you up, I'll pull you out.

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# You'll be on track, on the rack, bounce back.

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# Whatever you need, life's gonna bring you glory.

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# But if you crash-land, in the quicksand.

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