07/10/2016 The One Show

Patrick, it is perfect on the show tonight. Does that mean I am

interesting, quintessentially Irish, quietly important, quality idiots?

That is the one. # Trying to make a move just

to stay in the game. # I try to stay awake

and remember my name. # But everybody's changing

and I don't feel the same. APPLAUSE. Welcome to The One Show.

Patrick Kielty is back. And Alex Jones, what a lovely start. That was

former Keane front man. He is looking hot and sexy. He looks like

Tom Huddleston. Taylor Swift will be doing backing vocals later. He will

be performing a track from his very first solo album at the end of the

programme. We have more great against, one of home is an avid

bird-watcher and these gas, they are quite rare breeds. One is a highly

intelligent migratory bird who has made the journey from dead bark and

risen to the top of the channel show pecking order. One is a greater

spotted comedian often seen touring the British Isles with his

distinctive facial plumage and exquisite birdsong. Let us see if we

can spot them. But these terrible binoculars. They are very far away.

I have them the wrong way around. Hang on. There we go. It is Sandi

Toksvig and Bill Bailey! The Birdy Song. Nice to meet you. Is that

right? Just for future reference. Put some breathing holes. Could you

not breathe through your mouth? I did not think of it. We just brought

two of the most intelligent performers on to the The Birdy Song.

It is very The One Show! It is comedy gold. I have been attacked by

a vulture on the show. Anything to do with birds. We bonded over a

vulture. We were both nearly attacked, it was awful. Bill, we

will be talking about this remarkable book, there it is, what

is that? Scared. Clever. Lots of great facts. Lots of them. Something

came up in the research, ravens, Tower of London, the idea that if

they ever leave, the monarchy will fall, very cleverly, they are

clipped and they can never leave! Does the Queen, round? First bird

fact. They are incredibly bright, very intelligent. When Vladimir

Putin visited, one of them said good morning to him. In Russian. We will

be talking to you Sandi about your brand new appointment in QI. Last

time you were on, you talked about your part in founding the Woman's

Equality Party. This week we have learned how Ukip sort out their

differences, how he did does it get? Obviously, women's party can get

tense, we had an awkward discussion about whether the cream or the jam

should go on to this: first, Devon versus Cornwall. We have got a very

big treat for you, not for you, but for you guys, because we will be

tasting the most expensive whisky on sale in the UK. Of all the times to

be pregnant! It casts an eye watering ?20,000 per bottle. That is

wider and security. We have Kim Kardashian security guard and the

audience from The Price Is Right! It is not necessarily the best time to

be taking on a brand-new high profile position. From England

manager Sam Allardyce to Ukip's Diane James, we have seen some

pretty rapid rise and fall is, but they are not the only ones lacking

staying power as Tommy discovered. What is your problem? Have you ever

been sacked? Or did you resign? You cannot fire me, I quit. Sometimes,

it is just not that easy to hold onto that dream job. Many have

failed. Sam Allardyce is recent 67 day stint as England manager was an

age compared to some. A less was the reign of Lady Jane Grey as Queen of

England, she had just nine days, the Berger lost her head. Or the actor

George Lazenby, 007 for just 90 minutes. This never happened to the

other fell off. Then there was George Entwistle, director-general

of the BBC for just 54 days. Recognise the thing, it is back to

the future, hang on, that is not Michael J Fox! Eric Stoltz was

originally cast as Marty McFly but they got rid of him. What are you

doing, we need to get you back to the future to find another job! You

know about this kind of stuff, if I am only any job for five minutes

will it affect my long-term career future? It will not help. What is

worse, been sacked or resigning because you cannot get? 80% of the

time you're better to have a conversation, because if you do not,

you do not have control, it extra stress go through the roof and

secondly, the organisation does not understand what you can do for them

and what you want in return. If it is not right for you, you need to

tell them. What is the shortest career time you have ever come

across? And marketing director working for one of our biggest

institutions, who was sacked on the first day for sitting in his office

and reading the Financial Times. It happens to the best and the rest.

Thank you. What is the shortest job you have ever been any duration

wise? Three months. We can. Ten years. One evening. What happened?

It was baby-sitting gig. Give the kids back. Cleaning toilets. I was

in at about ten seconds. Internship. It ended because I was not getting

paid. Why we only there for three months? I did not like my bars.

Losing the job can mean having to change your wardrobe. In Jeremy

Corbyn's case, it was the whole Cabinet. Part last resigned from her

dream job after just two days. When it comes to keeping your job, good

luck. The main thing we have learned today, it is you again, the third

time today, I know you have only started, but you have to go. You are

fired, Sun! I did two hours as our red pepper chopper but I was not

chopping quick enough. I was fired. I have never really done anything,

never asked back for any shows apart from this one! Patrick The One Show

Kielty, that is what they call me. It suggests a low standard for this

show. You have been on QI about 17 times as a guess, it must be a dream

job. It is my favourite show. It is a perfect chill, you feel you being

entertaining and informative. You no idea where it will go. You turn up

and it happens. It flows in every direction. We had some extraordinary

moments, Alan Davis, there is a moment, I was not responsible for

the edit, but there is a moment where he fakes an orgasm. One of the

single funniest things I have ever seen. Tune in just for that. I have

never seen that. I have not seen out on the Natural World. Who knew that

female child could be bothered to do that! It was in New York deli as

well -- trout. Here is a clip. Just to be eccentric, we do not know,

there is a story that Richard Daley, made a bet that within 48 hours he

could get a word into common parlance and he distributed the word

quiz to be put on walls all over Dublin and it became part of the

language. That is from inquisitive. An inquisition. You're in the right

chair. I got a cold feeling, then. APPLAUSE. . You knew that

straightaway. What we loved about it, it looked like you have been

doing it all your life. I was so comfortable. I know everyone, the

only thing about it, I had the same chair that Stephen Fry had and they

had to put it on a platform, I had to climb into the chair, because I

was too short! It is much too short for the desk. Maybe next series I

will get my own chair. What is your favourite fact about N? Sometimes

your house smells and you do not know if your houses knowing, you can

reboot your nose, introduce more oxygen and you do that by running up

and down the stairs. They get to the bottom of the stairs and you

suddenly go, that is a terrible smell. You have rebooted journals. I

do not know what you do if you live in a bungalow. Move house! --

rebooted your nose. I think you might need to reboot your as! QI is

back for another series on BBC Two web Sandi at the helm album -- on

the 21st of October. It is nearly time to taste the posh whisky.

Scottish whisky is regarded as the best in the world. They do not even

know how to spell it. Another country has taken on the Scots and

Irish. It is a story that John Sergeant was very happy to tell. For

obvious reasons. The highlands of Scotland can be so attractive. The

mountains, the fresh air and of course the whisky. Across Scotland,

there are over 100 distilleries, whisky accounts for more than 85% of

Scottish food and drink exports. ?4 billion worth. Around the world,

millions of people are partial to a wee dram. This is an award-winning

whisky, one of the best in the world. But the strangest thing is,

it does not come from around here, it comes from Japan. If I go on like

this, I will get smashed, honestly. How the Japanese came to be so good

at making whisky goes back to 1918 and the arrival in Glasgow of a

Japanese chemistry student. He combined his studies here with

apprenticeships in several whisky distilleries. And he returned to

Japan with more than just expertise in Scotch whisky. He had fallen in

love with a local girl, Rita Callen. Harry Hogan is her great nephew.

This photograph is where they first met. He was invited to the house by

Rita's sister to teach jujitsu to her brother, camel. Eventually, he

moved on as a lodger. During that period of time, he got to know Rita

well. They cut up the pudding and his piece had the silver sixpence

and in Rita's piece was a ring, was that a message? Definitely. Within a

very short space of time, they married. That must have been quite a

strange thing to happen, a mixed marriage back then. It was very

unusual. The families were upset but eventually, they came to the

conclusion it was the best thing for everyone. At the end of 1920, they

moved to Japan. That must have been a culture shock. I am sure it was.

Very few people spoke English, but she got involved very quickly, she

started offering piano lessons and teaching English to some wealthy

families. Rita's income helped to tide them over and he was able to

set out his own distillery. Life changed abruptly for the couple when

Japan entered World War II in 1941. On December seven, 1941, Japan like

its infamous axis partners to clergy were afterwards. By then, Rita was a

naturalised Japanese citizen and she was suspected of being a spy,

sending intelligence to be allies and she was kept under constant

surveillance by the secret police. The war led to a boom in their

business. This man is the boss of a

distillerly. They developed a taste for whisky. Then came along the war.

The suppliers cut off. It gave them an opportunity to sell their own

whisky. You cannot fight a war without whisky, can you? Definitely

not. After Japan's defeat, foreigners, including Rita, were

slowly accepted back into the community.

The Nikka distillery continued to thrive and still does today. One

time arriving at the station and surprise, surprise, it is all tartan

and shortbread, all this sort of thing. It is like being in Scotland.

So a bit of Scotland has been planted in Japan. Very much so.

In Japan, Rita is now much more than one half of a famous love story.

She's renowned in her own right as the mother of Japanese whisky and I

will certainly drink to that. John having a terrible time there,

as we could all see! He's still missing in the Highlands... If

anyone knows of his whereabouts. ?20,000 a bottle. It comes in its

own cabinet. Each shot is ?1,000. We have not paid for it, so just down

it. Really? Basically you are turning The One Show into a stag

weekend! Smell it.

This is a whole week's drinking in one sit. I let it touch my lips and

that's ?700! I've had a terrible life... I

have... I've always loved you. You are my best mate... No, no, no, no.

Is there four people there? It is nice. It's lovely... You are not

sure, are you? It is delicious. I will not rush out and buy... I feel

it is a luxury drink. We should probably talk about... As we are all

flying - I just thought about that after the first sentence. Tell us

about the new book. Where did the inspiration come for this joy? Well,

I think I have grown up in the West Country. My mum and dad going out to

bird sanctuaries was always a family day out. So, it is, it came about

really because a very old friend of mine who lives in the troopics in

ind nose, I was with him -- troopics in Indonesia. I was with him, and I

said anything you miss about Britain? He said it is the subtle

colours of the British birds, the browns and the seasonal changes you

don't get there. It made me re-think British birds, so when I came back I

started to look at them in a different way. And then the

opportunity to do the book came along. I thought I want to make a

book about ordinary birds. Birds you used to see in your back garden. It

is really for people, not necessarily bird watchers and

twitchers, but people who don't know much about birds and this is a

notebook. It is full of lovely illustrations. Very realistic

pictures drawn by yourself. A very realistic picture... It is a

regional variation. That whisky is a lot stronger than I thought! There

are really good facts. We had one at the top of the show. Let's reel off

some more. Here's one for you. Are you the guy at the bar going... I

want to tell you about birds... ? You get four birds in a Renault...

No! Oh, it is like being with a you kip

person! -- a Ukip person! 1400 WRENS weighs

the same as a swan. It weighs one swan. If you are... It

must have been a very patient swan. How did somebody find out? That

fact, I don't know. I suppose someone, that is a hobby. Can you

identify this bird? Oh, sorry!

Patrick One Show Kielty. It is amazing... It gives you psychic

powers. It has a beak... It's... All four of us sitting here waiting for

it to appear! No, that is... You don't see these

very often. It is a cuckoo. No, it isn't. It is called Bill

Bailey and flying over the sister har ra to the Congolese -- over the

Sahara to the Congolese... I am delighted by that. I am very

chuffed. Thank you very much. How marvellous. Bill aes Bill's

Remarkable Guide to British Birds is out now. And the new series of Q it

is about N. So our next film is about juggling. Shouldn't that be

nuggling. Not dropping stuff... Oh, not

dropping stuff! Circus acts have entertained

families for generations and my personal favourite is the jugglers.

You may not have noticed, performers almost never juggle any more than

seven or eight items. Juggling three, five or even seven objects is

relatively straightforward. Add one or two more and it rapidly becomes

absurdly difficult. The record for juggling balls,

throwing and catching them more than once each, is 11. Achieved in this

attempt by Alex Baron, the only person to do it on camera. Is it

possible to juggle more than 11 balls? Or does physics make it

impossible? Gravity, the height you throw the

balls and hand speed all place limits on how many balls you can

juggle. Here to help explain this is Dr Colin Wright. The problem is the

more balls you add it becomes disproportionately harder, that is

because of gravity and how it works. What goes up must come down. But the

problem is that objects like this ball don't go up and down at a

consistent speed. As I throw the ball, it has to go

fast out of my hand, but then it slows down when it gets to the top

and stays there for a while and then starts to come back down again. When

it comes to you it will once again travel fast.

So you can see there, it actually seems to hang in the air for a long

time. That is actually what happens. When you are juggling nine or the

world record, 11, half of them are hanging their at the very top of the

pattern and they all have to miss each other. And that is what makes

it difficult. Because of this quirk of gravity,

the more balls you add, the more congested the top of the arc

becomes. So you need a lot more precision to stop them hitting each

other. So that is one limit that makes juggling high numbers so

difficult. To help me understand the other limits, Colin and I are

meeting one of the UK's top jugglers, Josh Turner. Every time

you have the ball you have less time to throw the balls yund have to

throw them higher. Juggling more balls means you have to juggle them

higher or faster, to give yourself time to deal with the extra balls.

It is those limits of height and speed that cap how many it is

possible to juggle and once again gravity makes things difficult.

Here, tick, tick, I am juggling this high at this speed. If I want to get

twice the time, tick, tick, I have to throw, tick, tick tick, tick.

That is four times the height. So to avoid having to hurl balls miles

into the air jugglers juggle faster. There are limits on how high and how

fast someone can juggle. If we know what those height and speed limits

are, we can work out a theatrical maximum number of balls.

It starts to suffer there in the drop.

Josh managed to juggle at seven metres for a short period. Juggling

any higher than that would require almost superhuman strength. So that

provides one limit for Josh, but the other limit on how many balls you

can juggle is set by how fast your hands can move.

Then it was too fast. Slowed down we can see Josh can make

around eight throws a second before it simply becomes impossible.

Combining that with Josh's maximum height of seven metres you can

calculate that Josh could, in theory, juggle 15 balls. But that

would require complete accuracy and no errors.

So, in theory, the 11-ball record could be broken. But because of the

limits of gravity and also hand speed, the jug her would need to be

hugely strong. It would also be a super-human effort of precision.

Here we go... I can't do three, let alone 11. We

have done three. We cannot make it 11. That is almost it tonight.

Thanks to Sandi, to Bill. Good luck with QI and the book. Thank you. We

have more great guests next week, including Tom Hanks. Can you

believe! Now from The Wave, it is former Keane front man, Tom Chaplin,

with Quicksand. Have a great weekend.

# Yeah, take it from me # It's how it'll be.

# But if you crash-land in the quicksand.

# I will pick you up, I'll pull you out.

# You'll be on track, on the rack, bounce back.

# Whatever you need, life's gonna bring you glory.

# But if you crash-land, in the quicksand.