10/04/2012 The One Show

Hello and welcome to The One Show with Alex Jones. And Matt Baker.

Tonight's guest is a woman of many talents. She is that TV presenter,

novelist and all-round good egg. is Sandy Toksvig. Good to see you.

You have got a new drama series, stand-up, the News Quiz is back.

Did you have time for an Easter egg hunt. We did and we did it in the

garden and I forgot what fan it is. We put clues in the eggs and the

youngest is seven and she has just learnt to read, but we found it in

the end. You had all the family around. A all my children are

grown-up and they still come. There is nothing like sitting at the

table and looking at them all enjoying themselves. We will be

talking about your new series. It is a roll-call of British talent,

including Tom Jones. First Miranda Krestovnikoff is what the Wildlife

Crime Unit. This is the story of how a domestic pigeon provided

vital clues leading wildlife crime investigators directly to this

man's front door. Across the country for the past 30 years bird

of prey numbers have been rising. This part of the Peak District

should be the perfect place to spot them, but over the last decade the

population has plummeted almost leading to their extinction. It is

vital we did something about it before they disappear, so we put a

team of people on the ground who are checking the nest sites to try

and find out what is going on. After two months we drew a complete

blank. This RSPB footage shows a large cage trap which was hidden in

a remote part of the forest. It contained live bait in the form of

a pigeon. Traps like these commonly used to catch crows are illegal in

the UK, but not when they are used like this. That is a classic bait

for a hawk, especially a powerful bird who sees it as a ready meal.

How does it work? The bird of prey goes into the slots to get to the

pigeon and once it is inside, it cannot escape. If it was being used

lawfully, if there was a bird accidentally caught in it, he

should release it. Next they set up a covert camera system around the

cage hoping they would capture the trap's user on camera and they

clipped the bird's wings in a unique pattern, so they could

identify it if they ever came across it again, dead or alive.

Everything was in place and after two days of 24 hour surveillance,

the teams struck gold. Tellingly the man went to the trap. He took a

good look. And then he just walked away. The RSPB team recognised the

man immediately. It was a local gamekeeper, Glenn Brown, and by not

releasing the pitch and he had implicated himself. Things were

starting to fall into place and at last they had a possible motive.

Glenn Brown, employed to protect grouse, could have been trying to

clear the area of their main predators. The team continued

surveillance for two more days, gathering more evidence. Early on

Saturday morning, a man wearing a balaclava turned up at the trap. He

opened the cage and released the pigeon. It is thought he released

it to avoid drawing any attention to the trap because there were so

many tourists around at the weekend. His disguise could not conceal

everything. As at the bird flew away he could clearly be seen

watching which way it went. The team could not be sure who this man

was, but they knew Glenn Brown kept birds at his home. Surely he would

not be stupid enough to bait the trap with one of his own birds

which could lead the team of investigators straight to his

doorstep? The next stage was getting a warrant to search his

premises. I knocked on the door and was greeted by Mr Brown in his

combat gear ready to go out on to their health. Their crucial

evidence came when they searched a shared with nearly 20 birds in it.

The RSPB officers could not believe what they found. The first bird

they picked out was the bird with the marked feathers. It was an

important piece of evidence to secure a conviction. It proved the

link between the trap and the premises of Mr Brown. Brown was

convicted and ordered to perform 100 hours of community service and

pay �10,000 in costs. Another success for the fight against

wildlife crime. That is why you do not see much

crime on pigeons. You are wasted! As we mentioned earlier, you are

this driving force behind this wonderful new series which is

showcasing British talent. I am hugely excited about it, we have

got 12 astonishing plays coming out on Sky arts and I am pleased to

have have been part of it and the executive producer. We went along

and we talked to some of the great names of British talent, like Emma

Thompson. We have hardly got any money and she came and played the

queen. I have never met Tom Jones, but you know you think you know him

because he is famous. I went to lunch at the Savoy and it was too

early for him and we did not have lunch. I said I could go to his

suite to say hello. He was leaning against the door in the shortest

towelling robe I have ever seen in my life and I thought, Tom, this is

wasted on me. But it was very Tom Jones. This marvellous voice and he

is fantastic. What was underneath the rope? Are I did not inquire. We

have got Tom Jones and the most astonishing range, not just of

acting talent, but of writing talent. I am hugely proud. Let's

have a look at Tom Jones in action. I should have smashed that bottle

Factory and gone as well. Smashed it to smithereens. Smash it now.

should have smashed every last bottle and rode off. With me? Would

it have been with me? It is very endearing. That was called King of

Teds. The first one is with Paul O'Grady and Sheila Hancock. We

watched it and it is incredible, it is half an hour of pure genius. How

much of an input did they have? Paul and I wrote it together and I

have also known Sheila's since I was 18. It was me who thought they

should be a mother and son. I did a lot of the structure and the boring

stuff and a lot of the dialogue is Paul and Sheila and I think you can

tell. I have not seen a relationship like that on screen

for a very long time. It is a kind of Morecambe and Wise, or Steptoe

and Son, the sort of relationship that has always been. I thought

they were fantastic. That is the first one. The first one is with

David Tennant, and that is the second one. My microphone is broken.

Do you have something to contribute? Only years of

professionalism. Right, let's get started. Started? I have got my

work cut out if I am going to turn you into an artist. I am going to

switch their heater on. No, Mother, I do not need your help. Put the

kettle on. Mother, fasten your seat belt, it is going to be a bumpy

night. I think it is lovely, it is

classical and it has got everything we love. That two of them are

lovely together and it is a joy to watch. Paul O'Grady is not Paul

O'Grady in it at all. It is wonderful to watch. This is not the

only thing you are working on. keep myself off the streets, my

dear boy. I have a novel coming out in August which is about a woman

who dresses up as a man and who goes to serve in the Boer War and

which took place in 1899. It is the first war in which the average

soldier was literate and people began to realise how dreadful war

was and it begins the end of the British Empire, an interesting

period of history. I am obsessed with history. Have you started

writing the new stand-up comedy? will be written the week before,

but it will be hilarious none the less. To all of those people who

wet rambling at the weekend with a sat nav or a mobile phone in their

pockets, here is a cautionary tale. Rani Price is in Snowdonia at

meeting a man who valued the value -- discovered the value of an old-

fashioned map the hard way. Every year 6 million people visit

Snowdonia and 400 thousands of them set their sights on Snowdon. Some

people come to Snowdonia and they are kitted out with all the

paraphernalia. They have the book, the hats and the all important map

and compass. But there is a new breed of climate he thinks all they

need is a sat nav and a print-out from internet. In January lorry

skipper went on an 11 mile hike in Snowdonia and he did not take a

proper map and when his GPs failed, he was in trouble. The weather

started to close in and I lost my way. I figured out where I thought

I was and started my trek down from the mountain. Unfortunately I came

to a Shea rock face. I realised I was not going to make it down in

daylight. I telephoned home to let my wife know I was going to be late.

I told her not to worry. But his wife could sense something was

wrong and tried to call him back, but could not get through, so

quickly called for help. The case was assigned to the mountain rescue

team, but Tim and his colleagues had to pinpoint where lorry might

be before venturing out to search for him. We had to work out

potential places where he might have walked. We could see a

potential path here down to the road where his car was. On the

mountain lorry had no idea anyone was searching for him. I was still

not on a path and at that point I took a tumble and I sat down and

thought, I am going to stay here. When I did that I started to think

it is quite cold and I am soaking wet and it I stay here, that could

be it. I felt I might not be here in the morning. The whole side of

the mountain lit up and suddenly I saw these three headlamps coming

towards me. Then I knew I was OK. lorry's case is far from rare.

Mountain rescue teams say they have seen an increase in call-outs to

help hikers who are not prepared. The GPs and mobile phones are

fantastic when they were, but when they stop working you have got to

consider what you do then. Do you have a map? Is that they like

running out? How many of the walkers and climbers are aware of

what to take with them on the wake up to Snowdon? To find out I am

joined by mountain yet Lawrence Cox who has been guiding people up and

the kind of bad you take up with you, it is big and heavy, what is

inside? Waterproof jacket, waterproof trousers, first aid kit,

some emergency food, some jelly babies. You have got your map as

well. Yes, even though I know this area very well. But I do today's

hikers as well equipped as Lawrence? How about the trainers?

If it rain has, you will get wet feet. I have got my compass around

my neck. Does he know how to read a map? We are going south. We meet a

group who are not prepared. What are you thinking about getting up

there? That a firm and follow the path around. I do not think we are

well prepared. I would be a little bit concerned. I can see loads of

enthusiasm and that is great, but you have got quite a tricky day and

with the cloud it can be disorientating. Be saved and make

sensible decisions. The mountain will be there tomorrow. Say age at

iSport today's walkers, but has lorry learnt his lesson? My sat nav

is in the draw. I will stick to using maps. I am not going to get

Lots of people heard you on Radio 4 on the News Quiz. This is a good

headline. Sat nav takes lorry the wrong way up a mountain. I am in

awe! That is the best reaction you could have given! The crew were in

stitches! The News Quiz is a great show, it is back, and earlier, they

said that the one at the weekend was the best I have ever heard.

They were rolling laugh. -- laughing. First pandas in

Edinburgh! From his point of view, for most of the year, she does not

want to know, and for 36 and was, she is all over him. I had a wife

like that! They have a small fertility window. The creepiest

thing you will ever find! We could hear a few in the

background corpse end. I love the show. It is a 28 minute show, with

record 75 minutes. If you can come and hear us recall it, -- record it,

it is a heady mix, it is good fun. Do you look for a joke in every

store reek in the newspapers? suppose so. When it is a punt

remained. But everybody on the show, we are friends, so it is like

listening in on a conversation. It is like a holiday for elderly, ex!

It Jeremy is a genius, and Rick Wakeman has become Benbecula. It

was great. We were talking about the use of drugs in rock and roll,

and Jeremy had his inhaler! would be hard pressed not to note

that on this day 100 years ago, the Titanic began its voyage from

Southampton to New York. We have the story of the man who was

responsible for sinking the unsinkable.

For 100 years, Edward John Smith has laid two miles under the North

Atlantic. For 98 years, he has had his head in the clouds in South

Staffordshire. He has taken flak for the sinking of the Titanic, so

why was he put on a pedestal? And why in Lichfield? He had next to

nothing to do with Lichfield. He came from the other end of

Staffordshire, Hanley. And the people of Hanley did not want him

looking down on them from a great height. History has not know what

to make of him. Back in 1912, his name did not sink as fast as a ship,

but taking the Titanic to the bottom of the ocean was not good

for his posture Ms PRS. 1500 had perished with him. Then, 80 years

later, Hollywood threw him a lifeline. Bernard Hill's portrayal

of him fascinated filmgoers, tempted to see him as a stomach

captain going down with the ship. Who was he? His was a rags-to-

riches story. Born in this very house in Hanley, he joined the Navy

at 13, biting through the ranks to become not just the captain of the

White Star Line, but also among its rich and famous passengers, a star

attraction. He looked a dashing figure. People loved a nod and a

wink from him and the exchange of the orb confidence. A seat at his

table was very important to the rich and the glitterati of the day.

A safe pair of hands and the legendary leader, this reputation

meant he was first choice to skipper the colossus that was the

Titanic. His status may have come to be to his downfall when the ship

hit the iceberg on that fateful night. Some said he was hobnobbing

with the rich and famous, others said he was transfixed by events

when more could have been done to save lives. In so far as he was the

commander of the Titanic, it could be said he was all to no

irresponsible for all of the defects. -- he was ultimately

responsible. But he would not have been responsible for the inadequacy

of the numbers of lifeboats. That was a British Board of Trade

requirement. But as for the ultimate cause of the tragedy,

colliding with an iceberg while moving at speed, that would seem to

reflect badly on the captain. wealthy fans stayed loyal. They

stumped up for a statue to be sculpted by Kathleen Scott. Her

husband had also died a few weeks before, among the icebergs. But

Hanley's reluctance to give him pride of place saw his statue end

up in Lichfield. The locals here were not exactly thrilled either.

This is the local newspaper, it is quite clear there was not universal

support! It seems that Lichfield people did not see why his memory

should be perpetuated. Hollywood changed all that. People

began to warm to Captain Smith, who was presented in a more sympathetic

way. The tide had turned full Captain Smith. Hanley became less

embarrassed about claiming Kim of one of their known -- as one of

their own. He is a great of Hanley, and we are keen to celebrate him.

We have been delighted to have him back, we want him back. Lichfield,

though, is keen to hang on to him, and has splashed out on sprucing

him up. I open a -- eye open an invitation to the people of Hanley,,

and visit Lichfield. He is not for sale. 100 years after his death,

Captain Smith looks securely anchored in Lichfield, but his

memory will always be clouded by being the man who sank the

Captain Smith had a few mishaps before he set foot on the Titanic.

He was accident-prone. He was popular with the passengers. He was

the captain of the Titanic's Winship, the Olympic, and he took

her on her maiden voyage, and that ship had a commission with the

British battleship on her maiden voyage in the English Channel. It

resulted in this Olympic having to be pulled back and the maiden

voyage was cancelled. Part of the Olympic Way used in the building of

the Titanic, and when the Titanic set-off, later than advertised,

because it had these extra bits, it also had a commission, a near miss,

a mishap with another ship. -- it also had a commission. There was

another near disaster. You would think the powers-that-be would say,

have we got the right guy? After the event, people were on board,

they said, they had overheard him instructing passengers to go to do

pronged attack on the ship when looking for rescue. -- to go to the

wrong Dec. It would have been the correct one on the Olympic. After

the event, it is easy to look back, you can see omens. There was a

rumour of a ghostly figure when the ship set off. There was no

champagne cracked on the ship. In 1896, somebody wrote a novel about

the sinking of a ship called the Titan that collided with an iceberg

and sank. Was that an omen? He was due to retire as well. More than

1500 people lost their lives. unlikely art critic Phil Tufnell

has been to an unlikely place for his latest cultural fix. He gets a

lesson from the artist himself. We have got an Arc challenge for due

two. It is time for you to draw like Quentin Blake.

I have come to Cambridge, the home of the highest concentration of art

collections outside London. I am not heading for a gallery or a

museum. I am going to a hospital. I have not enjoyed myself, this is a

great place to come and see some art. Here, they have tried their

hardest to lift the spirits of the patients, visitors and staff. I am

here to see one of work in particular. That is cheery. It

takes me back to my childhood. Created to celebrate the 800 the

birthday of Cambridge University, the style is instantly recognisable.

The artist is Quentin Blake. He is best known for his collaborations

with children's author Roald Dahl. Together, they wrote and

illustrated nearly 30 books, including the BFG. I loved him when

I was a kid, so I was delighted when the man himself came to

explain how this work found its way on to these walls. I was at

Cambridge, I have connections, so they said, would you like to draw

something? We settled on a sequence of famous people associated with

Cambridge. The sequence starts with the scholars comment from Oxford,

which was to riotous, and they found Cambridge, to pursue their

studies in peace. Each pair of the pictures have a twist. Isaac Newton,

the joke is that the ray of light is coming out of his eye, which

suggested he could see things that nobody else could see. These are

not the originals? These are enlarged on the originals. These

are the originals. It should be the size. I had a rough drawing of the

way the whole sequence happened. Are there any Quentin Blake

signatures? We hope they all become that! The way that it is drawn,

they or draw with a scratchy pen. I have quite a repertoire of noses!

And, I have dots for eyes. It is interesting that you can do that

and they have an expression. What are people in the hospital thinking

about this? I think they are good to have, they cheer you up. It is

fantastic, it is distracting, it is lovely for the staff, it is great.

It is amazing for the children. It brightens up the hospital. One of

the great things about meeting the artist, you can ask him to reveal

his secrets. I need a rough drawing. This is one of the original ones.

If I am at home, I putted on the light box, and I get over the sheet

of paper. I can see this underneath. But I do not actually copy it. I

trace it, it would look boring, so you want to be able to draw the

hands as though you were drawing them for the first time, and not

tracing them. Drawing 30 people is enjoyable. When children talk to me,

it is surprising how often they mention the twits, they were very

dirty. They were most unpleasant, but they were very enjoyable to

draw. How would you describe your style? It pretends to look easy,

but it is like a theatre performance, there is often a lot

of rehearsal. It looks as though it is not difficult. But there is

quite a lot of plotting beforehand. There are miles of white, clinical

balls in hospitals, so it is amazing when you come across a

masterpiece handing on one of them. They have been so busy, and we have

not heard a peep! I am on my own! You have had a nightmare! That is

lovely! That is Matt Baker! It is very good! I have tried to do Sandi

Toksvig/Matilda. But my pen ran out! It is very good! We should

swap! Police sign that. How could it not work? Did Shakespeare ever