11/10/2012 The One Show

Hello. Welcome to the One Show with Alex Jones. And Matt Baker. There

are plenty of funny people called Brand - Russell and Katy. But

tonight's guest is the comedy world's leading Brand - Jo Brand!

APPLAUSE Yes! Because you have been on the show so many times, we like

to think of you as our own Brand! How many times can we say "Brand"?

A few more! Well, are you one of those people who likes a good

natter on public transport? No. You sit and get your head down?

look at the floor and grunt at people that try and speak to me.

Very miserable. Have you noticed these that are popping up around

the Tubes of London at the moment? You have? Yeah? If you step on

someone's toes, please ask for a dance. Loud music prohibited unless

you singalong too. Rudeness attracts Tube mice! Then fixed

penalty - all sweeties must be shared and chocolate. It might make

- some Londoners can be miserable. It might cheer them up a bit?

are funny. They are. They are good. I put one next to me saying, "Yes,

I would like a sandwich!" LAUGHTER But, no, I think they are good

laugh. They do bring a smile. are not encouraging people to stick

them up. They are very funny. these dramatic pictures were taken

in the village in Devon today. you live in one of the many areas

that have been flooded, you will be interested in this next invention.

It is a brilliant flood defence system that could keep communities

dry. But it does come at a price. The recent floods were a stark

reminder of the chaos and misery flooding has brought in recent

times. But now, one community is turning to a revolutionary new

flood barrier which they hope will offer future protection. In 2009,

there was a devastating flood here in Cockermouth. It is hard to

believe that that is the level that the water reached on Main Street,

destroying dozens of businesses and leaving hundreds homeless. The

Cumbrian floods claimed the life of one police officer and caused �276

million worth of damage. One of those who lost her home and her

business is sandwich shop owner Julie Rickerby. Nice to meet you.

And you. It rose so fast, that's what people couldn't believe. It

was like a tsunami. When you got into the shop after the floods,

what did it look like? It was covered in thick mud. It just

didn't look like our shop. We always had it looking so nice. It

was so soul-destroying. With having it at home as well and then coming

here, it was - you looked and thought, "Where do I start?"

resilience of locals have helped the community bounce back, but with

more than five million people living or working in flood-risk

areas, there is a massive need for greater flood protection. Here, in

the West Midlands, one particular business believes they have the

answer. A self-closing barrier that only deploys when the floodwater

approaches. You can see when a river breaks its banks, how

terrifying and how quickly that water is moving. And many, many

more homes in the UK are needing protection from this kind of

overflow. What you have got here is a model which can explain to us

what would happen in Cockermouth. Take me through it? Once the

barrier is in place, it is designed to deploy before the floodwater

reaches it. The water is rising. Once it gets to this level here...

It would break the riverbanks. the time it reaches where the

barrier is, the barrier starts to deploy. The waterfalls down into

the barrier and then pushes the barrier up? So as the water is

coming at it, the barrier is going up. How do you know it is going to

work? It's got to work. The design of that - the only way that cannot

go up is if somebody changes the law of physics overnight. These

barriers have a 100% success rate. One of the unexpected benefits is

what jobs are coming back to the UK? Every cloud has to have a

silver lining. We are bringing manufacturing to the UK. Instead of

being manufactured in the Far East, everything is manufactured here and

a lot of it in the Midlands. Frank has been installing this flood

barrier all over the world but this is the first time the Environment

Agency has used it in England. The residents of Cockermouth part-

funded the installation of the flood barriers to the tune of �1.5

million, raised through fund- raising and by asking their local

authority to increase their council tax. Other flood-hit towns could

consider the same plan of action. You are now building flood defences

- we can see them. Could they have protected against that kind of

event that you saw? No, they couldn't. Most lifetime flood also

be protected by this scheme, covering some 360 houses, 50

businesses in Cockermouth, costing �4.4 million. The local residents

have been closely involved in the look of the defences as well. You

can see it is stone-faced. We are in the Lake District National Park.

There will be glass barriers on the top of walls. A lot of money has

been spent. How much are you investing across England and Wales?

Over the course of this Government, until 2015, we will be spending in

excess of �2.1 billion in England and Wales on flood. The average

value of flood defences means that for every �1 invested we get �8

worth back of damage averted. That's music to the ears of

Cockermouth residents who hope the new defences will withstand any

future flooding. You are back in the shop. It looks amazing now.

have been here 22 years now. So I was determined I was going to get

back. We know you have got these flood defences coming in. Are you

hopeful they will stop some of the flooding? The defences they have

put in now would stop an ordinary flood. I just feel that you can't

stop water and so I think if it did happen again, it happens. With

those floods we have seen - they are all coming round. Every few

months. Anita, I have been up there in Cumbria before. It is incredible

the resilience of the people up there. You were involved in a life-

changing experience? Yes, I went to Workington. Their bridge had come

down because of the floods. The One Show went up. They opened this new

bridge. Without it, the residents had to travel 18miels to get from

south of Workington to north of Workington -- 18 miles. We went to

open the bridge. I spoke to the residents of Cockermouth. Really

resilient people. In the film, Louise touched on how council tax

payments go towards helping fund these flood defence systems. How

does it work in terms of residents' contributions? Cockermouth have

raised �1 million for their flood defences. Some of that has been

paid by the council, some is being paid by local businesses, but some

of it has been paid by residents through their council tax which

isn't unusual. Gloucestershire and Essex do the same. What's different

about Cockermouth is they voted to see whether or not they should

raise their council tax to pay for it. 62% said yes. It went through.

You might think it is not a huge majority, 38% voted no. Some people

do live on the hills so they are not affected by the flooding.

However, Cockermouth town centre is severely damaged. You have to

remember people's homes, livelihoods and lives were lost in

the floods. In 2009, the floods were so bad, the worst floods they

have had in 500 years. That is how disastrous it was for the area. So

this new flood defence system is incredible. Jo, you were saying

your Mum lives in Ludlow? It was hit by a flood. The river rose and

half of a house got swept away by the bridge and it was amazing. As

you looked at it, it was like a doll's house, you could see the

dressing gown on the door and the whole half of the house...

whole gable end? I bet she thought, "I wish I had Hoovered!" LAUGHTER

You don't realise how fragile houses can be, that something as

powerful as water can destroy buildings that you think are so

strong. I know. Louise was making the point where the water came to.

Thank you. Now, here are the nurses and the medics working on the very

busy NHS ward... What an attractive bunch they are(!) There's the

Getting On crew. The series shows the lighter side of things. We

asked a group of nurses to share some of their experiences involving

hospital patients. There's everything. The retrieving of

objects from various places. We have had to have lockSmiths in to

remove people from being intwiened with each other. -- entwined with

each other. You don't realise you have been duped at the time. We had

to ask what time a child last ate or drank prior to surgery. She said,

"No, he had nothing." This boy piped up and said, "Yes, I have, I

had the cake out of my party bag because you didn't give me any

breakfast!" This gentleman had dementia and he was adamant I was

his wife. He told me he loved me. He wanted to hold my hand. I had to

draw the line when he tried to kiss me. That was a step too far!

annoying drunks around Christmas time and in the winter. If they

have soiled their clothing, we couldn't send them home in that, so

we used to have a competition between a lot of the nurses to see

what outfit we could get them to go home in. My one, I managed to get a

man in his late 20s home in a red dress and Wellington boots. We

always let them go an hour before the buses started running! LAUGHTER

Excellent. It is brilliant to know they have a bit of fun. Thank you

to the nurses from Romford and Croydon. That is where you filmed

the series? Yes. It was a working hospital. How did you fit filming

in around that? They closed down a couple of the wards. We took over

one of them. Coming - I would come in and if I went out to get a

coffee, people would say, "Can you tell me where gynaecology is?"

course. Would you make it up? like... Over there! I guess you

fell back into your nursing roots. You did want to help people out?

am like that all the time! I am always throwing people on the

ground trying to give them heart massage(!) In series three, Nurse

Kim has moved to a brand-new hospital. They are struggling to

deal with the equipment. They are. Can we move it up? That's good.

Excellent. Kim, can you make sure she doesn't roll forward? Can you

not get it back down? No, you are going to squash her now. Kim, the

knees are... Can you not make the whole thing come down flat? That's

better. You have to hold her. can't. I'm pressing the button.

Move it more towards me. Perfect. If I hold her, can you... Have you

got her? I'm holding her. Can I go for my break now?! APPLAUSE That is

just brilliant. It is. You co-wrote the series as well, didn't you?

Nurses sure I will have commented on how realistic it is? Was that

something that was important to you while you were creating it? Yes, it

was really important. I wanted to do something that was funny, but

also tragic at the same time. I think that is very hard to do and

it is a real challenge. And also that reflected the sort of drudgery

of life on a ward because it's not all kind of gorgeous doctors and

gorgeous nurses. In my case, obviously, it is(!) LAUGHTER What

is the secret? It is not as if it is stand-up gag after stand-up gag.

It is real-life. It is quite black, isn't it? Yes, it is very dark. I

think the pace is quite slow. Actually, weirdly, we took jokes

out rather than put them in. I'm terrible because I'm - Vicky and

Joe are actors. I want to come across in the background and do

one-liners. I kept getting told off! Stop that! You are making it

too much like a sitcom. So we tried to make it really natural. Do you

ad lib to make it sound like that? We do. We don't learn the script

word-for-word. We try and do it in our own words. Yes. You won a BAFTA

for the last series. Where does... What happened there? Huge

congratulations for that. Thank you. Where does the plot go this time

round? Well, I can say that there are major traumas going on in the

life of all three of us which is sort of different. But they are not

- it is not something like an alien has landed in the front room and we

have to cook it tea! There are things that happen to ordinary

people. For the characters, they are traumatic. Also, Hilary, who is

the modern matron, has come back now working for a private company

assessing, doing a time and motion study. He is as irritating as he

was before! It's moved on. They are making a pilot in the US of the

series? They are. They have rewritten the script so it's

American. Gwyneth Paltrow is playing me! Who is playing you?

would like Rosanne to do it! Have you put any political messages in

this? Your experience and your husband works within psychiatric

care. Anything there you are trying to have...? You have to be very

careful not to have, not to overlay it with too much political

preaching. We have tried to make it natural. We had to second-guess

what would happen with the Health Service Bill. We didn't know

whether it would go through or not. There are political points very

gently made, I would say. OK. Well, the new series starts at 10.00pm

next Wednesday on BBC Four. Jo, we will be testing your nursing

knowledge. I have to go out! LAUGHTER We are going to see

whether you can guess whether these are nursing implements or gardening

implements? Are you implying I am so old that I might have used

those? No. It was perfect. You did work in a garden centre as well at

some point. I did. I had the most boring job that anybody could ever

have. I pulled the heads of flowers! LAUGHTER We will test you

later on. Lots of performers suffer from stage fright. None more so

than a young singer who battled crippling shyness to become a

worldwide hit. Carrie meets the man who had to send in the clowns to

make it on stage! # Baby, I chose this lonely life

# It seems it is strangling me now. Leo Sayer's career began with seven

top ten hits in a row. He found himself at number one 30 years

later with this remix. # I still... #

Sounds like he was a natural. Not exactly. When he first got his

break as a singer, he was so nervous he had to do it in disguise.

# Baby... # This track, The Show Must Go On,

took Leo to number two. It had been a painful journey. I didn't have

much confidence in myself. I had confidence in my songs. How was I

going to perform them? Leo started working with a writer and producer

who introduced him to Adam Faith. Adam was wonderful that he was all

about original talent and he was behind Sandie Shaw. He loved being

a mentor, taking on a protege and taking them through the business,

which is what he did with me. was Adam Faith seeing in you?

Although he had a lot of hit records, he didn't really have the

greatest voice in the world. He loved singers. And he looked on me

as like his kid. So he said to me, "Basically..." Sorry. I get

emotional. "It is like you are my son, you have the voice I always

dreamed of." He saw in this nervous kid the artist I could become.

I knew I was different to any other kids. How to express that, God

knows how. I remember years of walking around in London not

talking to a soul, just like trying to invent something, invent myself.

David Bowie would say the same. We created a character that was in us.

Leo found the image he was looking for in one of his favourite films.

There was a movie, a beautiful French film. There's a character in

it, an actor who doesn't say a word. His performance always entranced me.

I wanted to be like him. I took on the guise of the clown. The

storyteller. What was he hiding? Nothing, really. I became that

character. I found my confidence through it. He used the image for

one year exactly and then gave it up. It launched a run of 15 chart

hits for him. Despite this success, he hasn't always had a smooth ride

with the music industry. A lot of the lyric of The Show Must Go On is

criticising the industry, or saying, "I want out." Yes. It is like a

premonition of what happens later? Totally. I got ripped rotten, I

almost went bankrupt. You have to say it like it is. That song was

about saying what it is. I have been a rebel and I am still a rebel.

I still fight the industry. Life imitates art and sometimes art

imitates life. Be careful of what you write because it will come true.

After a period in the wilderness, Australia at least, he had a

surprise number one with this remix of Thunder In My Heart. He is now

about to embark on a UK tour. When you look back at that young clown

on the stage, how do you feel about him now? Yes, he is part of it. I

know that guy so well. He is very important. I would never do it

again. I think that belittle the whole thing. You have to leave

those things behind. I find it sad when people tend to carry that

image on and on and on when they get older. You have to move on. I

know that character and he does work with me every night. Wow! What

a story. Jo, take us back to 1973 and Hastings Pier? I saw Leo Sayer

dressed up as a clown doing a show. Was he good? Yes. Was he? Yes. I

had 23 barley wines! LAUGHTER weird that we have had that story

because Dave doesn't cope with the limelight. Really? There we are.

LAUGHTER You must be a fan of '80s pop? Your character in Getting On

is called Kim Wilde? That's right. Well, I just - I feel bad saying

this. I hated the name Kim because there was somebody at school I

didn't like and she was called Kim. Actually, I love Kim Wilde and she

and I did a very odd TV show together. I told her that I was

going to use her name and she said, "I will come and lie in a bed." I

thought it would be great... That would be excellent. Is she in this

series? No. I hope she will be. the Conservative Party Conference

finished yesterday but 25 years ago, Margaret Thatcher's Tory Conference

was in danger of being overshadowed by a prison riot. Lucy Siegle has

been to meet the man in the centre of the drama.

Peterhead prison is one of the most remote prisons in the UK. 25 years

ago it was a scene of one of Britain's worst ever prison

disturbances, involving one Prison Officer in a terrifying hostage

ordeal and eventually leading to an historic intervention from the SAS.

Peterhead was one of the first hard labour prisons built in Scotland.

By 1987 it was home to some of Scotland's worst criminals. And

tensions were rising. The prisoners were angry at the harsh conditions

and the distance their families had to travel to visit. The initial

trouble began when 50 inmates started destroying everything in

sight. Most of the rioters soon gave themselves up. A few prisoners

climbed up into the roof of D Wing ready to take on any attempts to

oust them. The prisoners managed to grab Prison Officer Jackie Stuart.

For him, it was the beginning of a terrible five-day ordeal. I was

getting attacked. I got the knife off him. I thought it was an

isolated case. We were taken upstairs and into a cell and held

there while they chased the staff out. Then they started smashing up

the place. The hostage-takers were in prison for violent crimes. It

was thought that they had nothing to lose. As the country watched,

they regularly hauled Jackie Stuart out on to the roof. How did you

feel knowing your wife and family were seeing these images? I knew

what was going on. It was worst for them. You only saw what was on the

roof. The siege at Peterhead Jail has entered a fifth night. Three

violent men, one of whom is a convicted killer, has been holding

hostage Jackie Stuart... decision was made to send in the

SAS. Deploying the elite force proved to be controversial.

course, the Tory Conference was starting that day, or the next day,

that is why Margaret Thatcher had to say, "Get them out."

operation lasted six minutes. had masks on of course. "I'm the

officer." He took me up through the roof. He said, "Run along there."

I'm running along this ledge, about this width, 60 feet up. I wouldn't

have done it in daylight! Today, the working conditions in Peterhead

are very different. This old Victorian prison is soon to be

replaced by a new �90 million super-jail due to open in autumn

2013. Housing inmates from Aberdeen and Peterhead, the new prison will

be the first of its kind in Scotland. It will be the first

community-facing prison in Scotland. That is a brand-new concept for us.

We will have adult male, young offenders, females, remands, all in

the same jail. The prisoner population will be from the North

East of Scotland. 25 years after he was held hostage, how does Jackie

Stuart now feel about the prison? Later on, you get flashbacks. It

doesn't bother me. I had the family. Is it something you are conscious

of, the fact that it is an anniversary? Yes, it was my wife's

birthday the same day! LAUGHTER birthday and the hostage situation

come together. So you wouldn't forget it, like. Thank you. Jo, you

ready? Time to test your medical knowledge. Go on then. With this

wonderful game... Nurse or Nursery! wonderful game... Nurse or Nursery!

APPLAUSE This is one of the classics! Brilliant. I was a

psychiatric nurse and I was useless. I might not get any right. We love

a disclaimer(!) Half of these objects are medical implements,

half of them are gardening implements. You need to guess which

is which. Shall we start with this one? What is it? We are all

thinking the same! We are. Let's not go down that route. Gardening.

And the answer is - it is - it's a grape storage jar. Really? What

about this one here? Is this Nurse or Nursery? There's two of them.

know. It is one thing. It's a collective thing. Well, let's say

it's Nurse. Let's find out. It's Casualty! It has to be Nurse.

something to get your tonsils out. What takes your fancy? What about

this one? That looks... This is hard. I would say that's Gardening.

Nurse or Nursery? It's Nurse. It's a dynamometer. You squeeze it and

it tells you how hard you can grip. This one, quickly. What is that?

I'm tempted to say that is gardening. It is so dirty. Would

you put that anywhere near...? is! It's a daisy grabber! Good luck