16/02/2018 The One Show

Hello and welcome to your

Friday One Show with Greg James.

And Michelle Ackerley.

We're taking over the show tonight

and have brought together two top

guests from the worlds

of comedy and music.

Top is the word.

He is one of Britain's

top comedians, actors,

writers and hosts of a top

comedy news quiz.

And she's had three top 10 albums

and is up for a Brit next week

for top British female solo artist.

# Maybe I love you...

You probably

recognise me as the waiter who had

his lines cut from the first

Sherlock Holmes film.

# We could be the greatest...

He's

really got on the end of that,

hitting the ball a long way back

into the crowd. That's dreadful

snooker!

# If you don't want to try...

Please welcome

Jessie Ware and Miles Jupp.

APPLAUSE

Your stand-up works really well with

Jessie's music.

It's extraordinary,

we should do that more.

Let's start

off with a true News Quiz question,

which football family is now five a

side?

The Rooney family.

The

Rooneys, yes!

There they are.

Four

boys, but you can beat that, Miles

question mark yes, I've got five

children, I have forced up what is

the typical morning in your

household?

We sit around talking

about Wayne Rooney! There is noise,

my wife and I get up early every day

so there is an element when we can

just talk.

Quite time.

Not be

interrupted.

What are the ages?

Eight, nine and two. Tight grouping!

It's all lovely.

You're still

smiling.

Yeah.

And Jessie, is your

18 month old going to go on the road

with you as a roadie?

She is coming

to Europe with me and I'm freaking

out, I hope she sleeps on the tour

bus.

That will be perfect, they

always sleep on cars, perfect

motion.

I hope so, it's just when it

stops.

Have you got any help with

you?

My brother is taking time out

from being a junior doctor.

Childcare!

My mum said, you have a

doctor on board now. We have my

brother and my husband so we have

some help.

We looking forward to

using later. The Radio 4 news quiz

is guaranteed to make you crack up.

There is more to smile about in the

news than you might think. As Iwan

has discovered we often have a hard

job believing it. Britain is going

to the dogs, things are getting

worse and there's nothing we can do

about it. I mean, just look around

you. See what I mean? This place,

it's a... It's rather gorgeous, I

didn't know Coventry was like this.

Why is it that we are so ready to

believe the worst about where we

live? There is so much evidence

pointing in the other direction.

According to a worldwide survey we

are fantastically misinformed about

what's really going on under our

noses. They asked people questions

and compared their answers to the

facts. I'm doing the same in a place

chosen as the next city of culture.

It's the murder rate higher, Lola or

about the same as it was in 2000?

I

would say a bit higher.

I think

lower.

About the same.

It's actually

14.9% lower.

Ooh.

Why did you think

higher?

Knife crime is reported so

you think there are more murders.

What percentage of women aged

between 15-19 do you think give

birth every year?

5%.

30?

About 30?

What would you say?

60%.

Its 1.4%!

But why did you think it was so

high?

I know quite a few people who

had given birth at that age. I

thought it was more of an issue than

it was.

Do you think there were

more, less or about the same number

of deaths caused by terrorist

attacks in Great Britain compared

with the period between 1985 and

2000?

I would say more.

Less.

They

had the IRA so maybe the same.

It is

80% lower.

There's a different story

every day, it's the focus on the

media -- of the media.

The survey

covers how we perceive subjects such

as sugar and alcohol consumption,

diabetes, smartphone ownership and

health. Was there any strange things

you found?

Half of us think there

are more terrorist deaths in the

period since September 11 since the

period before when actually there

are fewer.

I thought that as well.

Is that the media?

It is part of the

issue but it is probably more how we

process negative information and

focus on vivid anecdotes rather than

big statistics.

Can we change

people's perception?

It would be

nice if people see the results of

the survey and start thinking about

the biases they may have themselves,

how they interpret data.

Why do you

think in the UK we have this

negative perception?

It feels like a

massive percentage of the news is

negative, it's murders, crime.

As a

nation can we change our perception,

can we be more upbeat?

We have lots

of great people doing great things

and maybe we don't hear so much

about that.

A lot of the time you

hear about negative things on social

media and it's easy to think about

the negatives. There's a lot to

celebrate.

Yeah, thanks, Iwan.

Miles, you have a theory about why

things are worse than they are?

I

think we are made to feel frightened

deliberately. A lot of the time. For

financial reasons, I suppose. The

economy is driven by fear, which is

a cheery thought! Like, if you're

buying car seats or something for

your children, you find yourself, if

you look at a cheaper one you may

think you are being irresponsible so

you are driven by fear to spend the

most money possible on a child

safety seat. Things like that, it

drives it on. Like most things,

there's money involved in it. It's a

brutal truth.

We got to keep it

light, is the One Show, Miles!

I'm

going to bunker down! We could be

attacked at any moment!

We've been

looking at the papers for a

statistic to ask you about and it

was inspired by the show meeting.

What percentage of men aged between

16-34 in Britain are set to carry a

manbag? What do you reckon?

I hope

it is low!

Bear in mind this is my

idea, Jessie!

Unbelievably needs,

three or 4%?

10%? I'm going to go

higher, 27.

Ooh, very close. It's

25%. Well done, Jessie.

Unforgivable!

And this guy is one of

them.

What do you think of my

manbag?

No, that's a backpack.

This

is a bad for a man or a boy,

whatever.

It's a rucksack.

I'm

talking about the crossover ones

that sits there.

I thought a manbag

was a bum bag until I saw this one,

this is the epitome.

When I bought

it the man in the shop said it is a

Lady Black Cats I said, wait -- it

is a lady bag. Actually I wanted it

more then.

What do you carry?

Scripts and things.

Is this the real

one?

Yes, I got this and also this.

I'm happy to be one of the 25%.

Do

you wear it with both straps?

Of

course!

Full straps.

I think a

rucksack or a homework bag.

The

conversation continues.

The debate

is raging on.

I thought a manbag was

a more flappy thing.

Metrosexual.

I'm glad you're not having a go at

mine. It's the 95th series of the

News Quiz and it is your eighth at

the helm. Tonight's episode finished

a few minutes ago, so what's the big

thing in the news?

As ever, some

completely brutal stuff in the news

but also some Brexit staff, Boris

Johnson made a speech on Valentine's

Day which I think is a wonderful

time to inject some love into the

nation, as if he hasn't injected

enough love about the place. He is

an extraordinary man, I think. He

got a slight panic making this

speech, the usual jokes he made,

Latin words and things and it was

dying in the room and he started

sweating. A you to the Cabinet, an

awayday for the Cabinet which sounds

like one of the bleakest definitions

ever of team-building exercises.

Presumably wandering around asking

each other for the Wi-Fi code.

Perhaps they will even get

everything sorted, finally.

We never

usually get to hear the warm up that

you do but we were there with our

cameras last night and the One Show

got a mention.

Delightful show

tonight, with lovely, lovely people

on. This bit is being filmed because

I'm on the One Show tomorrow because

presumably the next one has been

cancelled. Normally you book up your

Friday is quite a few weeks in

advance rather than 3:30pm on a

Thursday but you take what you can

when you get it. Good evening.

You

and me both, mate! Patrick Kielty,

who else? When you took over from

Sandi Toksvig, what were your

expectations and has it lived up to

them?

I thought it would be fun, I

put my name into the ring because I

liked doing the show, as a panellist

and I thought they would be fun to

be had. I didn't realise the

Pastoral responsibilities, suddenly

you're in charge. We're sitting here

and we can lock around whereas

you've got to run it and prevent us

saying all sorts of appalling and

crude things. That has... Being in

charge, I preferred the team aspect

of it. But yeah am I like it. The

regulars are nice people, funny

people but it's just that thing,

when horrible news comes along,

we've got to talk about it, that's

deeply unfortunate. But I'm glad

I've done it.

And you've done a book

as well, Eggs and Soldiers, it's out

in paperback. For people who don't

know, is Damien Trench?

He's a

cooker rewriter, he's one of those

people, he does the same sort of job

as Nigel Slater or Simon Hopkinson.

I invented this character, Damien,

because I'm obsessed with people who

write about cookery in a way that

makes... It's sort of aspirational,

their lives sounds amazing. Nigel

Slater, you can read what he's doing

in the morning and think what an

amazing life, but actually he's just

talking about how he fights some old

potatoes but he writes in such a

way, I want to live his life. I like

the idea of a character who writes

in a relaxed way but uses it as a

way concealing his own relentless

torment.

But you used some of your

own inner torment in the book, your

own mishaps?

Yes, it was a radio

series and a short lived television

series. The book is... It's a fake

memoir, his childhood memoir but I

did one for my childhood -- I mine

my own, he's fell out of a tree on

Hampstead Heath and landed on his

head, which happen to me when I was

five. What happened in the book and

real a few months after the incident

I was speaking to my father about it

and my dad said, I always regret

that we didn't take you to hospital!

It sounds like a good read.

It's not

all danger!

And don't forget.

If you want to listen

to The News Quiz it's on Friday

evenings at 18:30 and repeats

Saturday's at 12:30.

As well as being a comedian,

Miles has starred in many films

and TV shows over the years.

The Crown on Netflix,

The Thick Of It, The Monuments Men

with George Clooney.

But, Jessie, he's also been known

to sing and a lot of people watching

will remember him as this

character.

# I'm Archie

# I know how things are done

# I can make absolutely anything ...

# So catchy.

Archie the inventor

from Allah Mori, where does that sit

in your career highlights?

in your career highlights? -- from

Balamory.

A delightful Bafta winning

television programme.

You put a

smile on many people's faces.

Everyone has a hinterland, and this

shows you can turn things around!

Don't do yourself down because you

inspired a generation and here is a

great One Show link. Here is someone

else who inspired a generation!

As a child, I had a Spirograph toy,

drawing with nothing more than a cog

inside a cog and a pen. I could make

perfect symmetrical patterns. You

need patience and concentration,

otherwise your pens slips. But

children were more than up for the

challenge when it was first released

in 1965.

Design is so beautiful your

eyes won't believe what your hands

have done.

have done.

Denys Fisher developed

the toy.

He was a mathematician and

an inventor and he loved the

precision of maths and the shapes

that could be created and he wanted

a way in which he could share his

enthusiasm and enjoyment for maths,

so he produced the Spirograph. The

first was this one, actually.

What

is this on the back?

It is from my

father to my mother. It says to my

very dearest wife, fellow director

and friend, Betty.

Did he realise it

would be so popular as a toy?

Initially, he thought of it being

aimed at adults like a drawing

device. But children have been

fascinated with what they can

create. At 15, my father said, I

have arranged for you to go to a

department store in Leeds, and you

are going to demonstrate the

Spirograph. I could not really say

no. I was apprehensive. We sold

quite a few sets.

You get this kit.

A feature on Blue Peter in 1965

provided a boost to sales, and

within four years it had sold 20

million around the world. You may

think the number of possible

patterns you can make are quite

limited, but that is not so. The

combinations of different rings and

discs and bars give you thousands of

possible patterns. That's why

British artist Leslie Halliwell goes

into a spin over the Spirograph. You

make the most astonishing pieces of

artwork using this simple piece of

kit. How long do the big ones take?

Anywhere up to 5000 minutes, but I

can only draw for three hours a day

because it is labour-intensive.

What

do you do when you get near to the

end and you mess up?

At the

beginning I was worried about that

because it is hard to draw a perfect

shape. But I began to realise that

the mistakes and slips add character

to the drawing which makes it come

alive.

Do you have a favourite disc?

I do. It is this one. You can see it

is quite well used.

You have made a

mess of that, haven't you?

Spirographs tend to come about this

size, but in celebration of their

tiny magic and in honour of the

generations of engineers and artists

inspired by them, we are going to

super-size it, with this. But can we

magnify those fine, intricate

curves? The art team at the

University of Chester have made a

cog two metres across, to emphasise

those charming mistakes. At

Chester's story house Theatre, we

put it to the test.

put it to the test. Where do you

want to start?

Let's start with

green. Fingers crossed. Here goes.

Going large, we can't use pens.

Smudging and broken crayons are

constant problems, along with

hurting limbs.

This is hard work.

Big or small, with Spirograph, you

never really know what you are going

to get. How does that look?

If we do

any more there will be more smudging

and I think it works as it is.

Shall

we take the frame off? We reveal our

attempt to super-size the

Spirograph. I like the smudges.

It's

not perfect, you just go with the

process.

My dad would be really

proud of you.

One final touch to

make it the one show's very own

Spirograph. Perfect.

Lovely.

At the Brit some he you are

nominated against Dua Lipa, Laura

Marling and Paloma Faith for Best

Female Solo Artist. How you feeling

about it?

I feel I am always the

bridesmaid and never the bride when

it comes to the Brits, but third

time lucky, maybe. Not feeling

great, to be honest, I am not go

into lie. It will be great. I will

wear a nice dress, clap slowly and

cry a bit.

It is a brilliant night.

It is quite stressful, I find, but I

love it and I can't wait to be

there!

What do you think about the

other acts in your category?

I love

them. Dua Lipa is having an amazing

year and Paloma Faith was very good

to me from the beginning. Laura

Marling is a sensational songwriter

and Kate Tempest is just a force to

be reckoned with. They are amazing,

inspiring.

I am rooting for you.

Have you got Dua Lipa next week? Go

away!

You have a song on your most

recent album with Ed Sheeran, all

about your ex-husband.

Yes, we wrote

it when I was 8.5 months pregnant

and very, very pregnant. It was

about me being completely petrified

about becoming a mother and not

knowing what to expect and

celebrating this wonderful man that

I've got.

You have a podcast would

you do with your mum in your kitchen

and you have had amazing guests,

including Sam Smith. You get things

that you do not normally here,

including Sam Smith admitting he did

not know where Mexico was.

He did it

himself. He thought it was right

next to Spain, bless him.

It must be

a laugh with your mum.

I can't

believe I have persuaded her to do

it. She has become a bit of a

celebrity, a reluctant, mysterious

celebrity. No pictures, no press.

Everyone wants to speak to this

woman. We have a laugh and I get a

good meal, but from yesterday. We

had George Ezra on and my menu went

completely wrong.

It is brilliant.

And you are performing soon and we

look forward to that.

Now get ready for a Friday night pub

fight with a difference.

Resteranteur and chef

Andi Oliver has been

pitting "gastro pubs",

against "pub pubs".

I know which one my money's on.

Cranborne, Dorset, a chocolate box

village. But today it is war,

between landladies Jane and Fiona.

And I'm going to be testing them on

their food, drink and on beyond is.

This is the one Show's Pub bores. --

Pub wars. First, soup at the Inn at

Cranbourne. I am not a fan of

stuffed dead animals, especially

when eating. I find it a bit weird,

dead animals when you're trying to

have a pie. What's this? Just ignore

me. Just checking. OK, time for a

chat with the landlady. I can see a

lot of gin.

Every time I travel home

to Australia I fill my suitcase with

unique chin. I think there is some

eucalyptus in there.

That is really

lovely. There is no burn and it has

a lovely, warm buttery finish, which

is unusual. Why should people come

here, rather than the sheath of

arrows?

We are food -based, so come

here if you are a foodie.

The head

chef is cooking up his signature

triple cooked pork. Fantastic! Thank

you very much. It smells amazing.

That is delicious. There might be a

tiny bit too much vanilla in the

puree. The meat is beautiful, sweet

and succulent and I like the rustic

nature of the bubble and squeak

underneath. A really good job. I

should think so at £17.95.

should think so at £17.95.

Sticky

toffee pudding, ten out of ten.

We

live next door, so happy hour, 5-7

everyday.

If you yard stunner road,

the sheath of arrows. The first

thing, a pool table. All the pubs I

know have got rid of tables and

jukeboxes because most of them are a

gastropub. As soon as I walk in the

door, my thought is, proper pub. It

is a little bit scruffier than the

other place, but that's not a bad

thing. I like a proper lived in,

kicked about pub. Time to find

landlady Fiona and ask her about the

decor. Are you deliberately keeping

it quite old school?

Yes. I prefer

to go somewhere I feel more

comfortable. I don't necessarily

want a gastropub.

And how about the

beer? Tell me about 6p red?

They are

a few hundred yards on the outskirts

of the village.

Very local.

It is a

lovely bitter.

Quite smoky. I am not

surprised you sell loads of that.

Why should people come here to

drink?

We are a proper pub and if

you want to come for a drink and

chat with friends, we are here for

that.

And it is proper pub food, to

comp but with a bit of a twist from

the head chef, who is cooking me his

sweet and sour tempura chicken.

This

is something I used to sit with my

father and have beer on Sunday night

in Singapore a couple of years ago.

I lived and worked out there.

So you

brought those cooking influences

back with you. It has a brilliant,

crisp batter. The only criticism is

that it doesn't really need hunks of

pepper. The source is great. The

slivers of onion give a nice zing

against the sweetness. He has done a

fantastic job and all for £9.75.

What do the locals think?

It is more

friendly here. You get more local

people in this one.

They do a good

curry.

Both pubs have gone through

my rigorous testing and now the

village has gathered at a neutral

location to see which is victorious.

You have not made my job easy at

all. Both establishments are

completely brilliant. The Inn at

Cranbourne is possibly a Littlemore

restaurant - like, and so my

decision is that the winner is the

sheath of arrows. I walked into your

pub and I felt so at home.

I am just

completely blown away.

Congratulations.

Congratulations. Thanks to Miles for

joining us.

A big thanks to Miles

for joining us tonight.

Alex and Matt are back

on Monday with Alan Davies.

But now, with a track

from her latest album, Glasshouse,

this is Jessie Ware with Alone.

# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

# Take the weight off my shoulders

# See, I won't make the same

mistakes when we're older

# Cos with every step

you take I'm getting colder

# So come a little closer

# Just come a little closer

# I don't want somebody

else to call my name

# No, I don't want somebody else

when you could just say

# Say that you're the one

who's taking me home

# Cos I want you on my

skin and my bones

# Knocking me off my feet

# Just say I'm the one

that you need, oh please

# Say that you're the one

who's taking me home

# So I can get you alone

# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

# Just wanna talk a little longer

# I don't need somebody

else to call my name

# No, I don't need somebody

else to make me stay

# I don't never need to walk away

# You could just say,

you could just say

# Say that you're the one who's

taking me home, me home

# Cos I want you on my skin

and my bones, my bones

# Knocking me off my feet

# Just say I'm the one

that you need, oh please

# Say that you're the one

who's taking me home

# So I can get you alone

# Alone

# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

# Alone

# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

# Ooh ooh ooh ooh ooh

# Alone

# Alone, alone

# So I can get you alone.#