26/08/2016 The One Show

Well, hello and welcome to our very last day at the Edinburgh Festivals

with Jack Docherty. And Alex Jones. It wasn't that bad, was it? I

couldn't be without you. We have been very lucky, because the sun

came back, the view of the castle is back, looking gorgeous. Scotland is

always this beautiful, yesterday was an aberration. It has been a

fantastic couple of days, our guests tonight, one is an Iranian comic who

calls in celebration marked. -- schmuck. Please welcome Rula Lenska

and Omid Djalili! Welcome, both. Welcome. Lovely to have you with us

on our last day. Rula, I understand your character is called Katya...

Katya Kokov. Not even Ian Fleming would have risked that name! She is

from Moldova, most people think it is a made up country, but in fact it

is a real country. My co-host says to me at one point, you are dressed

to kill, and I say the last time I was dressed to kilt was when the KGB

was decommissioned. And this is in your show all about Eurovision,

which we will talk about later, it sounds hysterical. And we have it on

good authority, Omid, that you open your show in Edinburgh with a

Scottish accent, which is brave. No pressure! Nobody is Scottish here!

Thank you... The kind of people who come and see my show at four

o'clock, and by the way it is called Schmuck For A Night, and only a

schmuck would do a show called Schmuck For A Night and start at

four in the afternoon. I thought that would get a laugh! But it was

basically the four o'clock crowd are people who where comfortable shoes

and light rainwear. We don't see ethnic, we just see not a English.

Could we hear the accent? There was a bit of it there! His funniness is

legendary, by which I mean it is a myth. It is a little bit

Morningside! 37 Morningside Drive, very specific. We will talk more,

and Deacon Blue are playing for us later.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now, over half a million visitors

descend on Edinburgh during the festivals, but of course for many

people who live and work in the city, they don't really get to see

the shows. We thought we would give three

locals the chance to be a critic for the day.

I am Graeme, I have lived in Edinburgh all my life. I get about

town delivering letters. I would like to take in the festival if I

could. I do like comedy, I would like to broaden my horizons a little

bit. I do not know what the show is, I am about to find out. Silent Disco

Walking Tour. Just follow my lead, you will be fine.

IT IS LIKE WE ARE SENDING OUT THE RIGHT VIBRATION!

I cannot stands in front of everyone like that, I cannot! Totally weird.

You take your ear phones off, everyone is just dancing. It is

completely bizarre. I am a big fan of green, so I

enjoyed Bohemian Rhapsody. -- Queen. At the end of the union Rhapsody, me

in the middle, everyone else to serenade. -- Bohemian Rhapsody. All

I could think of was my mate ripping into me at work!

My name is Jaz, I work in my dad's shop. It is all going on in

Edinburgh right now. I would love to have a night to go out and check the

shows. The show that I am going to see is Anything That Gives Off

Light. Something to do with theatre, I assume. It actually looks very

interesting, bringing in stuff, it has a musical side to it. I think it

should be cool. There were a lot of things quite

interesting about it, the rhythm, the bass I found really good. I

really liked the energy of the performance, the rhythm and music,

but overall it was not my cup of tea. My name is Jo, I have lived in

Edinburgh for 19 years, I do not get to the festival much because I am

driving around tourists. Back of the bus! I am intrigued to see what this

is going to be about. I have never had a journey with

people dancing on the bus before. We got off the bus, and I wasn't

expecting that, it was really funny. It was really good, I would

recommend it, it is not something I would normally go and watch, but I

was pleasantly surprised, really funny, and I recommend every bus

driver go and watch it. They all looked very good, didn't

they? But I particularly liked the silent disco, but Graeme was dying

of embarrassment in the background, watching himself dancing! And he is

quite a hard man to please, so what we did, we were sent in to see your

show, Omid. Oh, no, really? You have to remember he is a postman,

second-class delivery, Omid. He doesn't push the envelope, no stamp

of originality, not the full package, do you see what he is doing

with this postman based criticism? I beg to differ! He didn't really say

any of that! What did you think? Loved it! Would you like to

criticise him as a postman? What did you think of the show? I think you

are brilliant! You have got a good look. We are going to let you

criticise your own show or not, Rula, because we would like you did

tell is all about Eurovision. We have heard about your character, the

Russian... Moldovan, darling! It is a gentle spoof on the Eurovision

Song Contest, but exactly the way you would think, it is live, ten

different participating countries. I thought you might be wearing a

costume, Rula! Oh, sorry! This is called My Gypsy Violin. I have never

actually seen that. There are ten countries, ranging from Sweden to

the Vatican City, and their number is called Temptation. The Ukraine

number is called Bang Me. Is there a winner? Different winner every

night. At the beginning, everyone is given flags, and they are instructed

to vote at the end of the show, after all of them have done their

numbers, and then they are told by me in no uncertain terms that you

are not allowed to vote for your own country. It is not impossible, but

it is illegal! And the UK... We have Morris dancers, all related. And we

hated like in the real-life Eurovision? Which country has proven

most popular? Three of them, Morocco, which is I Am A Hot Like

Vindaloo. Brilliant. Norway, with the Vikings. And the Vatican City,

Temptation, so far the most popular, but it is different every night.

This is your first time in Edinburgh. First time performing at

the festival, yes. How are you finding it, then? I cannot describe

how wonderful it has been, it has been like living in a box of the

best chocolates, there are not enough hours in the day that nice?

APPLAUSE I love your city!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Omid, take it up, praised Edinburgh

even more than that, you will get a huge round of applause!

, Well, I don't know, I got a review once, I got a review that said

sitting in this theatre, you see placards of all the famous writers

who have had their work performed on this stage, Shakespeare, Marlow,

David Mamet. One placard sums of Omid Djalili's show, it reads

disabled toilet. LAUGHTER

We will come to your show, Schmuck For A Night, shortly, but in the

meantime, on Wednesday, our first show in Edinburgh, we spoke about

the remake of Porridge. On Sunday night, we can also see a special

episode, a new version of Are You Being Served? Before we see a clip,

we are going to see what it is like to be the daughter of one of the

original cast members, so over to Claire Louise English.

My father, Arthur English, he was a gentleman, not at all like the

Cockney wide boys that he used to play on TV. This is the new point of

sale model... What brought into the public are it was Are You Being

Served? He loved all saucy innuendo. His first wife, Ivy, died in 1975,

they had 35 years together, and they had two children. A few years later,

my dad met my mum, there was quite an age gap, so there were a few

raised eyebrows. My dad was in his 60s, my mum was 22, but they fitted

like a glove. This is one of his many scrapbooks, and this is what

happens next. Me! And me... And more me... I always knew I wanted to act

when I was little, and I used to talk to my dad about it, and he gave

me a piece of advice, be very careful, he said, it is a dangerous

industry with lots of drugs and alcohol around. Dad, I am nine, I

have no idea what you are talking about. He loved his job, from the

early days at the Windmill with all the dancing girls, lots of panto

over the years, and the TV, including In Sickness And In Health.

Are You Being Served? Did not finish, they are making a new one

special with a new cast, and I am sneaking in to see the final run

through. The last time I was on the set, I was six months old, and it is

such a pleasure to come back again today. Dad loved playing Mr Harmon,

and an IT is played by Arthur Smith. It is clever casting. How do you

feel to step into his coat? It is a very similar code, I am probably a

bit taller than him, I am a bit nervous, because loads of people

have said, I used to love the English, so I feel quite a

responsibility, I am a bit nervous. But I will be all right, won't I?

You will be great! So we have watched the run through,

the audience are in, and it is showtime.

Let's see who I can spot, oh, there is the garish hairdo of Mrs

Slocombe, not Mollie Sugden anymore, it is Sherrie Hewson. Mr Humphries,

camp as ever, Jason Watkins. In dad's day, it was the wonderful John

Inman, who was my godfather. And here he is, the star of the show...

How do you like them apples?! Where is old frosty knickers? Sadly, my

dad never got to see me perform professionally, which is one of my

big regrets, and I wish I had been a bit older when I last came to see

the programme, because six months was not old enough to appreciate all

the subtleties. Ho Ho Ho, little boy. Have I got a

surprise for you! I was 14 when dad died in 1995. He was 75 and I think

looking back, he knew he wasn't going to be around for much longer.

He always used to send me lovely jewellery, like this piece that I am

wearing. He sent that to me when I was too young to appreciate it,

which was the clue to how he was thinking. He was a good, kind and

funny man, and I miss him all the time. Very touching. And we saw the

new series of you being served being filmed there. Shall we see a clip

from the brand-new episode that is on on Sunday? I'm going to start

work today. Which department? Impossible, I'm head of menswear,

and he would be under me. Strictly speaking, he would be under me. My

pussy had a sneezing fit. After all these years, she has still

got the same pet. Why does Mrs Slocum have a budget? But it works

so well. Rula, you were saying you did a whole series. Where he played

my secretary. I did panto with him twice as well, and we laughed

nonstop. And we had Miriam Margulies on the show. She played nanny to my

daughter and I spent the whole series with my hands clamped around

a little girl's head, because of Miriam's filthy repartee and jokes

about God knows what she did to men and women. Enough from you! Any show

you would bring back? There was a series in the 70s with Roger Moore

and Tony Curtis about two glamorous detectives, called the Persuaders. I

thought you would pick the Omid Djalili show. Hosted by staff Ross

Flatley. It was a classic. Let's talk about Schmuck For A Night. We

have already touched on it. Schmuck, of course meaning idiot in Yiddish.

On what grounds, Omid, are you calling yourself a schmuck? First of

all, I like to set challenges. I asked myself for the most difficult

venue at the worst time. Why? It is an audience that really want to go

and the a cappella. They don't want to see stand-up comedy. Or Nicholas

Parsons, at a push. At the festival, you have to be a bit sharper because

it is a very comedy literate town. You can hear people saying, I have

seen better. It has to be tighter, so you come here to sharpen up. So

four o'clock is a tough crowd. And also, like most people, I get up in

the morning, I am upset by the news. But the schmuck in me thinks I have

too turned into comedy, but I want to make sense of what is going on.

We are living in a difficult time, with terrorism and Brexit and all

this stuff. I am just trying to make sense of things through stand-up

comedy, and you have got to be a schmuck to do that. A lot of it is

about the things that make you angry, as you say. Apart from the

political stuff, what gets under your skin? I am very excited by the

fact that we did so well at the Olympics. We came second!

Unbelievable. We come from a generation who are used to Britain

getting one bronze in the synchronised sweeping. So now,

because we have lottery funding, we should be funding everything. Let's

do the Brexit 100 metres, and four people resign before the guns go

off. Don't you think? And you started in Newcastle. You are taking

this show on tour. That is your thing. There are certain towns...

Glasgow and Newcastle are the toughest towns, because they have

seen so much. It works there, it works everywhere else. It is like

being in a fight, take on the big guy first. Who one might fight

today? I won it? Give him a round of applause. Well, in a second, we are

going to hear Deacon Blue perform. But first of all, we have got part

two and the and Buster's scenic tour around Scotland.

I'm in the Highlands, travelling along Scotland's version of Route

66, the north coast 500. I've just left Durness and I'm heading down

the western side. This is the spectacular bridge, a 276 metre

curve. It was built in 1984 and design supposedly to fit in with its

surroundings. I will let you be the judge of that. My first stop is this

stunning beach, but I'm not here for the scenery, but to find an

architectural oddity that attracts lots of visitors every year. You

might mistake it for a wartime machine-gun emplacement, but is

known locally as the hermit's Castle. From here, it looks

imposing, but it is in fact an optical illusion. When you get up

close to it, it's tiny and repeatedly Europe's smallest castle.

Perhaps calling it a castle is stretching it, but in the 1950s, a

young architect from Norwich called David Scott found himself here.

Margaret McLeod runs the local campsite. He asked, could he build

something? We thought he was going to build something spectacular! He

built it out of concrete and it took around eight months to complete.

Then he left. He revisited when he was 80, but I never saw him. He

didn't want to make himself known, because when he saw it, he felt

ashamed of it. He said he felt ashamed? Why? I don't know. I wish I

had seen him, because I would have told him just what it brings to the

area when people see it. Well, from small castles to small bridges. I'm

heading down to Ullapool to see a bit of Victorian ingenuity. In the

19th century, Sir John Fowler designed one of the wonders of the

industrial world, the Forth rail Bridge. To test the structure of

many of his designs, Fowler built prototypes, like this one, four

Ascension -- suspension bridge. Peter Newley is Sir John's

great-grandson. You have the cantilevers that come out from the

towers, and then there is the gap in the middle, the spam. That is not

unlike this. It was a prototype. And Pete has a splendid photo album of

Sir John and his work, including a picture of the Forth Bridge in 1890.

The Prince of Wales drove in the last rivet, and then off they went

to a big dinner. And Fowler was also responsible for designing much of

the London Metropolitan line, which was the first line under the London

underground. Yes. We have the nappies on the lower level and the

engineers above. Top hats, not hard hats in those dates. As I leave the

estate, my journey takes me south towards Loch Marie. The scenery

along this road is so spectacular, the landscape so lovely, it really

is a hazard to careful driving. Like Loch Ness, Loch Marie has its own

reported monster. Its name translated in English means a slug

pig, whatever one of those is. Of course, none of this should be taken

seriously. There is also a myth that the waters of Loch Marie Cure

insanity. Now, I'm not mad enough to take a dip. But I know someone who

is. Go for a swim. I'm on the final straight, passing over the

spectacular pass of the cattle, the UK's biggest rope climb, joined by

some motorcycling pals. It is an incredible majestic route. Buster

and I have had a fabulous couple of days driving the north coast 500.

OK, so the roads might be pretty narrow and can get bumpy at times,

but it's made me realise that within Scotland, there is one of the great

road journeys of the world. Hey, Buster?

What a lovely few days they had. And our journey is nearly over in

Edinburgh. Have you had a nice time? The time of my life would not be

overstating it. Thanks so much to everybody in Edinburgh for such a

fantastic welcome. We have had a ball. We will be back in the studio

on Tuesday. And our guest on Tuesday is Jamie Dornan, get in! Next to our

guests tonight, Omid Djalili and Rula Lenska. It's been fantastic.

Here to play us out with their latest single, from the album out

next month, Deacon Blue! Have a good weekend.

# Go on ahead, I'll be with you soon enough

# I'll be walking in the cool of the evening

# In honeysuckle and willow trees

# Tell them your story, tell them what you dreamed about

# Say you were lost, then one day you were found

# And someone brought you home again

# The believers know that it's going to get better

# Cos no one here will ever forget you, not let you

# When we say we know so much about everything?

# May it take you to heaven and never bring you back again

# So you no longer fear the boatman

# The believers know that it's going to get better

# Cos no one here will ever forget you, not let you

# The believers know that it's going to get better

# Cos no one here will ever forget you, not let you

# The believers know that it's going to get better

# There's nothing you can do about it now

# You know you're on one side or the other

# You're just one more believer.