26/10/2016 The One Show

# One Show beyond... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE. Hello and welcome to the One Show

with Matt Baker And Alex Jones. Those are the Nutty Boys themselves.

The brilliant Madness will be performing their new single for us

later on. Rowdy audience. Tonight promises even more craziness. Big

Dan Snow is in to tell us about his dangerous hunt for gold. It's the

bake off fine Al tonight. So we will make some brilliant bakers who

create buildings out of cake. Nice. Our guests also have a streak of

silliness about them. One has recently shared a stage with a rogue

lobster and a giant inflatable sausage. That must be. The other

describes herself as Angelina Jolie stuffed into the body Kylie Minogue

with a Scottish accent. It's Harry Hill. And Susan Calman. I love this

crowd. Thank you for bringing them. We have Madness, cakes, gold, what

takes your fancy? The cakings. Yeah. Cakes are lovely. Madness. You love

a bit of Madness. I like that coat he's wearing, it's a lovely Mac.

With a was the other one? We are talking about Bake Off, you are a

massive fan of Strictly, apparently every single BBC programme you go on

you try to drop massive hits. Tonight is the night. I practice the

Rumba in my kitchen. It's the toughest. With someone with legs of

my size it's difficult, have you to extend. I can't extend very far.

Very much so. I love Strictly. It's aened woerful show. It's the dream.

With a bit of training. You would go On. Oh, yes. I'm sure that's

possible. Do you think that's possible. I have the dance within

me. It just doesn't want to,out. One day she'll be out. We have a kitchen

setup tonight maybe we can have a little Rumba later. Matthew, that's

not like you, is it! Turning into the best Wednesday night I've EVER

had! Most of us forget something

important at one time or another, but imagine living with a condition

that completely erases your memory. Wendy Robbins has met

Christina, who may have no memory of her old life,

but is about to embark In 2004, 17-year-old Christina corps

was involved in a serious car accident. The driver was killed out

right and Christina was left fighting for her life. There was a

police car at the door and he told me, "you're daughter's been in a

very serious car crash. She might not make it." She's in a coma. She

will be in and out of incontinuesive care. She will have no quality of

life. Can we ask your permission not to treat her and let her die?" She

suffered a significant brain injury and her prospects were bleak her

family refused to give up. After agonising weeks she awoke from her

coma. I haven't really got any memories of coming round and stuff.

They used to put signs above my bed saying, "you're not in a dream".

Obviously, I just could not realise that I wasn't dreaming. It didn't

feel real. It soon became clear Christina had not only lost her

memory of the accident, but of all the years before. I could not walk,

I could not talk. 17 years of my life, completely gone. I think

there's part of you that's in denial. You think - well, maybe

it'll come back. It was a gradual acceptance, really. Christina spent

18 months in hospital learning to walk and talk again. Christina has

memory problems which are quite hard to understand in layman's terms, she

has no visual memory. Christina's brain injury meant she could no

longer access her memory which retains information on past events.

We would show her photographs and took her back to all the places she

had been to trigger memories. It took a while to realise that the

visual memory bit wassen going to happen. Despite living with an

impaired memory, Christina now lives independently with a little help

from her carers and visual prompts around the house. I'm trying it get

a sense of what you can remember on a day-to-day basis. Tomorrow, will

you remember having met me today? I will know I did, but if I saw you in

the street, I would think, I think I know that face. Where from?

Christina's new found independence led her to looking for love. My

friends told me about a dating agency for the disableded in the

area. I thought I love my men, let's try it. Went to the Hallowe'en

disco. Saw Joe and I thought - I want We both understand him. Each

other. Christina never judges me as she progressed. I understand how

brain injury affects her. When she forgets stuff, I do, like, point

some pictures to her and I say - oh, look, Christina this is a time where

we saw those lovely sights, do you remember? Joe decided it was time to

take the next step. The moment when Joe proposed to me was amazing. It's

one of life's special moments, tragedy turned into a wonderful

thing. It is's now 10 weeks before the big day and Christina is about

to have her third and fine Al dress fitting. Exciting, you are about to

try on your wedding dress, how are you feeling? All right, except I

don't, it's weird. It feels like it's the first time for me. Which is

exciting, but, a bit upsetting because I know it's not the first

time. Can you remember what the wedding dress looks like To be

honest with you, no. Oh, wow. What do you feel, looking at that dress?

I'm getting married! What are you most looking forward to about the

wedding day? Walking up the aisle. You know, I thought I would never

walk, now walking up a wedding aisle. How much do you think you

will remember about the wedding day itself? I don't know because with my

memory I don't ever know what I'm going to remember. Ah. Christina is

here with all her family and Joe. We will find out how the big day went a

little bit later on. It's a great film coming up. It really is. Yeah.

You got married last year? I did, which was lovely. Good. We

understand was there a disagreement about what to put on the wedding

list with your mum? I wanted to put a mattress on. Which is fair enough.

We needed a mattress. My mum said, they will judge you on your wedding

list. You need nicer things on your wedding list. So I put on things

like mustard spoons. I don't like mustard. Exactly. You put them on so

people could... It was Sandy who bought them for me. Never used them.

Had to buy our own mattress, very disappointing. It's funny you say

mattress. Harry, in your social media you have an obsession That was

supposed to be a secret. It's out there. It's public. I collect

photographs of discarded mattresses. Why? Why? It is seems that

mattresses... That's a good one. There is a lot going on there. Two

there and a third one peeking around the corner. I don't know why I tart

started it. It seems impossible to get rid of a mattress. People resort

to throwing them out into the street. These mattresses were where

dreams were once made. Wow. Yeah. They are discarded the street like

that. We can give the old ones to Susan. Happy. I need a new one

again. If anyone has any lying about. There are plenty in Lambeth.

Harry, let's talk about Tea Time, this new show on Sky 1. It started.

The first episode you had Paul Hollywood? From the Bake off, he was

my guest. I taught him how to cook a non-baking cake. Showed him how to

carve a kebab into the shape of George Michael. He was learning so

new skills. Very much learning new skills. This is a cooking show

with... With a twist. That was my version. Paul surprised us all by

turning it... This was made from cake bars and mushed up biscuits in

a trilby, sealed with chocolate spread. That wasn't supposed to

happen. We didn't bother trying to do the recipes before hand. It was a

surprise to us. You have these characters as well. Egg Wallace, we

particularly like There he is him. . Like Greg Wallace, he is an egg. And

Trevor-modo. A hunchback assistant who lives in the ceiling. My wife

described it as kind of Saturday morning kitchen meets Tizwaz. There

is a lot of mess and silliness. That is a good description. There is

music. We will enjoy a musical moment. Here you are with Gok Wan

singing a song about hiding paperwork in biscuits.

# Got important documents and don't want to risk it

# Hide them inside a popular biscuit # Semi precious document that people

Brilliant. Gok was going with it. He did have this... I don't know, air

of confusion on his face. We didn't show them the script before hand.

Obviously, it's the first series. They have nothing to base their...

Does anybody learn how to cook? How dare you! What are you suggesting?

No. Do you have a formula for your craziness. Where does it come from.

Do you put one extreme together and put them together. How do you come

up with it? I've been doing it for so long. I develop this part of my

brain that comes up with these ideas, I suppose. You just think -

what's the last thing you would expect to happen. Oh, well, maybe

put your tax-disc inside a wagon wheel. If you think like that. We

have a roast chicken, roast chicken Tom Jones. A roast chicken decorated

with mash potato to look like Tom Jones. Why not. Has he sold it to

you, Susan? Absolutely. If there is any form of... If you don't get on

Strictly! Any food made into something else, absolutely I think

that's a marvellous idea. Why not. If you want to see chicken Tomorrow

Jones or Gok Wan singing Harry Hill Tea Time is on this Sunday, 6.00pm,

Sky 1. While Harry is on the quest

for comedy gold, our Dan He'll join us in a moment to tell us

all about his gruelling 600 mile expedition searching for treasure

in northern Canada. But maybe he should have been

looking a little closer to home? In the late 19th Century cold gold

was discovered in north-west Canada. The rush was on to find more of it.

Brits packed up their kit bags and shovels and went there in their

thousands. I just got back from there myself where I navigated the

dangerous journey with little more kit than they had. That was an

experience. Many of the men who got Yukon gold fever were from here in

Scotland. Including William Scott. Robert is his cousin, many times

removed. Good to see you. What do you know about this ancestor? He was

a miner and I have knew he was from Ayrshire and he went to Canada. He

might have mined gold, but unsure. If he did strike gold, he didn't

send it home? No. Certainly not had any gold. Professor Harper can tell

him more about The Gold Rush. Can we learn about his ancestry. When there

was a gold disvsh cover ril the Scots pricked up their ears line

like anyone else. They went to California, Australia. In the course

of the 19th Century 2 million Scots emgrates grate. There were Scots

sending home information, writing letters and coming back on visits he

would have known about it. A crack team of One Show researchers have

been on the case. We found out interesting information. We have it

here. We have a picture of him. Really? Are you ready? There it is.

Wow. That is a fine moustache. Yes. We worked out that heaval was in the

Yukon in 18 96 when gold was struck. He made, well, a lot of money. There

was a newspaper article here. Check this. Read that out. Great yellow

nuggets which represent a fortune which would ensure the sturdy miner

many years of comfort and pleasure. He found buckets of gold. He helped

to kick off the last great goldrush in history.

Gobsmacked, I didn't know any of this. His prospecting went from

strength to strength, he made himself a fortune. But in 1918 his

luck ran out and he lost his life in a shipwreck. His wealth stayed in

the US, with his American wife. It now turns out William may not have

needed to travel halfway around the world to find his fortune. Recently

gold was found here in Ayrshire. Geologist Gavin believes there may

be up to ?1 billion worth of the stuff. He's trying to locate the

most lucrative deposits. There's gold in them hills, Robbie! There

are some courts in there but no gold. This is granite. That's quite

interesting but no gold. I can see how this turns into an obsession. I

love it, I would love to do this for a living. What about this, Gavin? Oh

my goodness. He's got some pyrite. What we found in this area is that

the gold is contained within the pyrite. You found your first bit of

gold! You should keep that. I can't believe it, well done Robbie! You've

got the gift! It's amazing to think William left his home here and went

in northern Canada to make his fortune looking for gold, when in

fact all the time there might well have been millions of pounds worth

of gold right beneath his feet. There's gold at the end of the

rainbow! There you are, you heard it here first. Gold in the Scottish

hills. If there's gold in Ayrshire I'm not sure why I'm sitting here! I

hadn't heard that actually that there might be gold... I'm going

straight up there after this! We should get a minibus! How much gold

was in that pyrite? We've found 0.02 pence worth of gold. It adds to the

gold that is already in existence. This is fascinating. How much gold

is in existence? In existence there are 171,000 tonnes of gold. If you

put that in one massive block, a tube like that table, about ten

metres cubed. That's all the gold in the entire world that's ever been

found. Ten metres cubed. Never doubt Dan! I think it's a bit more than

that, Dan. LAUGHTER And there's more gold in outer space. We heard quite

a lot about why people make this treacherous journey and why the

stampede but was it worth it for the majority? It wasn't. Look at the

conditions they faced, hauling their supplies. It's a nightmare. Most of

them didn't make it, they either gave up, abandoned it, died of

starvation or exposure. A tiny percentage managed to get lucky.

This is not Scotland, right? LAUGHTER Look at some of this to

rain. 600 mile expedition that you went on for this series. The stuff

you had to content with... We went there from the coast of Alaska into

Canada, down the Yukon River and we ended up in a Klondike Gold field.

We walked and swam across rivers. It was very, very cold. It's very

Baywatch, Dan Snow! Did they not get you a vest or something? It was very

chilly. There weren't any established trails. We wanted to

re-enact it and go through some of the experience they did. They made

their own boats, they went down these rapids. I'm sideways on this

river, you're not really meant to be sideways and you'll see what

happens. We got a sense of what it was like for those prospectors. Dear

me, Dan! Wow. The series is called gold rush. What happened to your

nose? Where I fell over, it's a bit of a mystery but I managed to smash

my nose. It was unpleasant. LAUGHTER Did you find more gold there than

you did in Susan's neck of the woods? Not in my house, obviously!

We did find some gold at the end of the expedition... In H Samuel and

Bromley high Street! LAUGHTER We've got an early Christmas present for

you, if you gold coins! Feel free to open them now. Operation Gold Rush

is starts on Sunday at 9pm on BBC Two. Ten metres by ten metres. You

open it and it's a chocolate cube! LAUGHTER Have you ever told someone

your coffee was takeaway in order to save money or taken a plastic bag

without paying 5p? Never! These are called micro crimes and apparently

74% of us have committed one. Will anyone own up to our Helen? Let me

ask you, have you ever committed a crime? LAUGHTER No. Would you put

yourself down as a criminal? I wouldn't. Are you a criminal? Not

that I'm aware of. Have you ever paid anyone in cash? Yes. It's wrong

to pay someone in cash... You know they're not paying tax. You don't

know that, do you? I've got to have a few perks, especially when they

work for themselves! Have you ever not paid for a bike in a

supermarket? Of course! Have you ever downloaded something you

haven't paid for? I have. You're a micro criminal! I would be lying if

I told you I've never eaten a few grapes as they went through the

supermarket checkout. We're all human. Sometimes I put something in

there and not paid for it, and consciously! When I've got time I've

realised, oh my god, I've never paid for that! Don't worry, you've only

told me, not the nation! Own up, micro crimes? Anybody? I have a

fleece at home that is virtually identical to the one the staff in

Debenhams where. Sometimes I go to Debenhams and give out advice to

customers. LAUGHTER I give aisle for a discount on leather plaited

sandals. As an ex-lawyer, I feel guilt. I once took too many marmites

from the breakfast reception of the Hotel and I put them back. I took

them and I thought, I can't do this and I put them back. The guilt is

too much. I wouldn't be able to sleep. Obviously Harry we've talked

in the past that you were a doctor beforehand. You were a lawyer, when

you had but career change, they were starting out in the world of comedy,

did you ever struggle with living off the earnings and that

difference? Yes. LAUGHTER Looking back at the lack of tension or sick

pay, in my first year as a comedian I went ?250. It was a lot of money

back then! LAUGHTER In the 1920s! I was doing something which I'd always

wanted to do. It made to huge difference, I and a lot of money as

a lawyer but all I ever wanted to do was be a comedian. So you put up

with it. Did you feel the same? I was a junior doctor so I was an

terrible pay. I think I was an ?800 a month as a junior doctor. And I

remember that first time I got paid for a gig. A lot of time you do five

minutes here or there for nothing. I did a gig in Greenwich and Malcolm

gave me a wad of notes. I was driving back to Southampton Hospital

where I was a locum. Because I was able to earn money part-time. I

counted the money, 60 quid, it was fantastic. I got a cheque for ?10

for my first-ever paid gig and the promoter signed it in pencil so I

couldn't cash it! LAUGHTER I've got it framed on my wall that the first

gig I got paid for I still didn't get paid for. You've got eight for

now, The Calman Before The Storm. Fantastic name. It's all about what

people, journalists and critics have said about you, over your time as a

comedian. And some of the misconceptions. It's been ten years,

this is my tenth anniversary of giving up my job as a lawyer. It's

been a lovely ten years. It starts at the Soho Theatre on the 8th of

November. I do a lot of Radio 4. So people assume I'm going to be this

fancy radio for comic who reads lots of intelligent books. Actually I

love playing the PlayStation and watching Buffy! It's about the

preconceptions people have about me, and challenging them. Are your

parents still banned? Yes they are. They are watching this tonight,

though. Because I had to tell them I was on it. Here's a clip from you on

stage! LAUGHTER At the end of the dancing display I said to my mum,

what do you think of Mike dancing? My mum said you're a smashing wee

dancer. They've asked you not to go back. For Christmas my dad got me a

lifetime membership to the National Trust for Scotland. It's great. I

wanted a PlayStation for but will have a discussion about that when he

needs long-term care in the future! APPLAUSE

Well, that's good, I hope you're enjoying this at home mum and dad!

That's a little joke, dad, I love the National Trust really! LAUGHTER

Have you discouraged anyone from being in the audience, Harry? I

changed my name to avoid family and friends coming but also patients. I

didn't want anyone seeing me during the day and then it might be a

slightly embarrassing position if they saw me on stage. LAUGHTER We

heard when you were a junior doctor, in school your friends always

thought you'd end up as a comedian but not so much for you, Susan. I

went to my school reunion two years ago and one of my schoolmates came

up to me and with complete astonishment said, I don't

understand, you went funny in-school! Which was a lovely thing

to hear! I wasn't like a class clown or anything like that I date thing.

We've got a lovely picture of Harry as a youngster. Have we still got

that? There we are! Harry Hill! LAUGHTER

Look at you! There's one for mum and dad. What are you holding?! That is

a kitten and my mother has clearly cupped my fringe! I'm holding a

kitten and she's stuck a bowl on my head. That has soul was called a

page boy. Susan's tour The Calman Before The Storm starts on the 8th

of November in London. Earlier we heard about Christina,

who suffered a serious car She miraculously survived,

but her memory was badly damaged. When we left her she was getting

ready for her wedding day. Wendy has returned to

find out how it went. After a serious car accident, 12

years ago, Christina's brain injury left her struggling with severe

memory loss. I used to wake up and I used to think - am I healed today?

It never dawned on me that I was never going to get back. Today,

she's getting married, but despite it being the biggest day of her

life, there are parts of it she may well forget. I've waited so long for

it. Like, since the accident I was like - I'm never going to get

married, meet a fella. 12 years on, I'm getting married. This is

something in our wildest dreams we never thought of. This is another

step forward. It's absolutely terrific. I'm so proud.

# It's a a beautiful night # We're looking for something dumb

to do... # I Christina take you, Joe, to be my

husband in sickness and in health. From this day forward. I therefore

pro claim that they are husband and wife.

You may now kiss the bride. APPLAUSE.

It's now two weeks since her wedding and I'm going to back to visit

Christina to CCTV what she does remember of her big day. How does it

feel to be finally married? I mazing. Do you remember who sat with

you on the coach and horses when you were going to church? -- see. Um...

I think the bridesmaids. The one memory I have got, that I'll never

forget, is everyone's looking at me! I love it when I get that memory. To

be honest with you, I hadn't considered just how much I can't

remember. Sglm do you mind that Christina can't remember much of

your wedding day? No. That's what I'm here for, to help her out. To

Hercegovina, to remind her. Wow. This is - oh, my goodness. Look,

Joe. That's me. Dad! Taking me. How do you feel watching this wedding

footage back? Well, it's quite difficult because I know how amazing

this day was. It's hard because I cannot physically remember it. Wow,

it feels like, wow, this is a good film. Isn't that girl gorgeous. It's

so difficult, seeing this and thinking - I don't remember any of

it. I wanted to see what her mum thought would help Christina

remember such a special occasion in the future? Photographs and video

footage would obviously really help because she can, in the moment,

she's able to revisualise it. But she would probably need to watch it

every day for a couple of hours over, over several months, before

any of it would stick into her visual memory box. If there's

anybody in my situation I feel sorry for them in the first place, but do

not give up. Always believe in yourself. Now you're married? Oh,

yeah, I for got that bit. Yeah, now I'm married.

APPLAUSE. Congratulations. Christina and her

very lucky husband, Joe and her mum and dad join us. With welcome to you

all. Lovely to see you. We were having a little chat there,

Christina, weren't we? Congratulations to the pair of you.

In the morning it's lovely because you wake upped and you know you're

married and you know you're with Joe. How is it for you Joe, three

months into the marriage? Well, it it still feels a bit unbelievable at

the moment. I'm slowly getting used to it. It's very gradually getting

used to a new life, married life. So exciting. It gets better and better.

It does. Christina we talked about the feelings you do have and the

memories you have are emotion Al memories. Can you just try and

explain to us how you remember emotions? Trying to explain, that is

so hard. I try and explain everything. The thing is, with my

memory, I know what I did, where it was, who I was with, what time,

place, everything, but I don't remember actually doing it. I don't

remember the physical experience of it happening. I'm talking

technically here. The emotion Al memory is still there. I remember

exactly how I felt, what I did, where I went, who I was with,

everything, but the physical memory is the hard bit that I just can't

remember. Danny, for any dad, walking their daughter down the

aisle will be one of the highlights of their life. You never thought it

would happen. You are beaming in the film. It's lovely. How was that day

for you now, looking back at it? It's the answer to a prayer for me.

To be there, years before, 10 years before, seeing someone that is not

going to make it come through, it's a roller-coaster. You are one minute

down, up one minute. I get to the point where she has met a wonderful

guy, they have fallen in love. They got married. I had to give her

away... Do you feel as a mum, watching you there, so proud, almost

just sitting back and just watching it all and now you know you let your

daughter fly? Yeah. It's... You can't really describe the kind of

emotion that is you go through. And, it is an amazing and wonderful

thing. It's a miracle for me. We're still there, but Joe's... It's great

because they have each other. Yes. And any mum, all they want is for

their child to be happy. To me, to have a wonderful husband who loves

her and cares for her. They care for each other equally. That's all

anymore could wish for, regardless of what might have happened. Music

has played a very important part you were telling us earlier. You still

remember how to sing and how o to pitch. Danny you did this thing to

help Christina's rehabilitation. We have this brief clip. My way of

saying thank you to you is to sing a little song. It's a song. Listen to

the words. Listen to the words, they will mean something, they really

will. # Don't be afraid of the dark

dark... #

Listen. , that is a lovely note to finish on. You are a wonderful

family. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Good Lucas a married

couple going forward. You have that footage as our cameras were there.

You can watch it until your heart is content.

Staying on the family theme, we'd like your help for a show coming up.

Do you and your grandchildren have a passion for the same hobby?

Get in touch and you might be on a future show.

It's a big night for the biggest baking competion on TV -

These three bakers - Jane, Candice or Andrew will steal

In the meantime, we have our very own contestants here.

We will hold off on the Rumba. We are placing The Great One Show Face

Off. We want you to make a delicious representation of each other's face.

I'm wearing a lovely dress. Exactly. It's a competition, right? You will

do Susan, will you Dohay. You have until the end of the next film to

finish your creation. Good luck. Of course we will get glasses first.

Don't forget to look at each other. Whilst we wait and see what our own

Star Bakers come up with. we're off to Stirling

and an incredible map of Scotland I'm a vet, my name is Mair and I've

been preparing for Cake Fest. , hundreds of team will be entering

and each team picks a building to bake. We have chosen to make the Inn

at John O'Groats. It looked reasonably easy to create because it

was a long recognise standing already building. We thought there

wouldn't be a lot of sculpting going on. It seems trickier than we

thought. We need to get the roof sorted on this. There is a big

element of winging it today. We are just, yeah, winging it.

People see me working to start with think - how organised. They don't

see me at 1.00am. My name is Pauleen, I work at Fife Council.

#50i78' doing a Palace in Fife. My daughter and I took about 265

photos, but I've... When I was there this morning I took some more, maybe

300 now. There must be about at least 130 windows. I've done about

15 or so. I've a long way to go. With it being Friday today, I've

still got some time. But it will be a late one. Today we are expecting

around 500 bakers, I would say. Then thousands of people who will come

and share the cake map when we cut it up at the end. I'm Simon Preston

the creator of Cake Fest. I organise all of this. I have a team of

artists building the edible base to the map that all the cakes will go

on to. We have all of the islands, the highlands, the lochs and rivers,

the cakes need to go on. They are the centrepiece. It's Cake Fest we

made it in one piece, we hope. Got three hours sleep last night. It was

nerve-wracking trying to get it into the car. It was heavy on one side.

We didn't want to knock it or anything. Have you got it. OK.

I think it's awesome. We're trying to recognise all the different

buildings. I work at Glasgow University. That's my favourite.

Dara Brae we like. We have been there. It's fantastic to see it made

out of cake. It's looking great. It's got a lot

of detail. It looks authentic. We are happy with how it turned out.

Worth all the sleepiness nights. It's not the best one on the board,

by any means, it came together as we wanted it to. We had a lot of fun.

That's the most important thing to us. A slice for everybody. That's

pretty good, actually. I really need to chill out with a coffee after a

long week and a busy day and cake with my coffee, yeah.

Beautiful creations there. Extraordinary creations that have

been happening here in the studio. We will whip through very quickly

what has been happening over the last four minutes. You can see

there. The teeth there. The eyes. I tell you what, let's hold it there.

We don't want to give too much away. We will reveal this. We have a crown

here. We will do this through the motion of applause. First, let's

reveal, Harry this is your Susan first of all. Yes There is Susan.

Drum roll, please... . . That was a good reaction. This is

Harry. There's Harry as a cake... Is it Susan, is it Harry?

Sorry season! There you have it. Join us for the face-off here on BBC

One next year! I thought it was a beautiful, beautiful thing. Thanks

for joining us, Suggs is in! Madness are releasing your tenth studio

album on Friday. You unveiled it in front of a special group of fans. It

was the Chelsea Pensioners! A very interesting and amusing group of

people. It was a fun afternoon. On the whole they liked it. But one

woman wasn't sure. This is what she said. Mr Apples the single is very

good, but not as good as they used to be. But then, neither am I!

APPLAUSE My favourite question was the

93-year-old who said to me, how do you keep your youthful good looks?

LAUGHTER This album, you've called it a return to your roots because of

the way that it's been created, is that right? There's a lot of

technology around in studios and we went back to a basic studio called

Toe Rag which was at the site. It had limited technology, no

computers. We sat around in a room and made music together and it was a

lot of fun. Is it right everyone has that say of each track that you do?

Yes, we've always shed the credits for each song between everyone who

wrote them and the rest of the band get the credit too. All seven of us

write songs, it's an unusual setup. I think it's called democracy,

that's what they used to call it! LAUGHTER It's complicated. We spend

five hours arguing about what trousers where going to wear! On the

album you've got mentions of some very colourful characters, one of

them being Amy Winehouse. What's the significance of Amy Winehouse to

Madness? We knew her. She was hanging around in Camden Town, the

place will be started out and I used to see her around in the same pubs

we started out playing in. Everyone knows the tragedy of what happened

to her. Before she died I bumped into her and she said to me "all

right knotty boy?" Which made me laugh because I'm a 55-year-old man

and I haven't been called a naughty -- "nutty boy". I just thought I

would write a whole marsh to Amy Winehouse called Backbird. . I like

the way you blend the rhythms. You can write the sleeve notes for the

next album! LAUGHTER Season, you're a big fan of Madness. When I was at

university it wasn't a party and less you put on the Madness album.

That's when the party really started. Favourite album Susan? It

was actually the soundtrack to The Tall Guy. And also my favourite TV

programme which was The Young Ones. The Young Ones was fantastic. They

said what would you like to do, we said we'd like to get a load of

police vans and smash them up with sledgehammers while singing Our

House. When is your tour starting? Is starting in the UK at the end of

November, December time. Do you prefer it now or back in the day? I

think I prefer it now. You're never going to beat being a teenager,

that's the best time of your life. Looking at the audiences we get, I

appreciate that people still appreciate what we are doing. It's a

very privileged position to be in. Harry Hill has been saying nice

things about our single. # Come down Mr Apples! LAUGHTER Very

much looking forward to that. This is hilarious.

Our consumer champion, Dom - has been Done.

Of course he won't stand for that, so he's been out fighting his

Cast your minds back a few months and you might remember I presented a

report for The One Show about brand theft. If you pinch someone's brand

you can expect a call from their lawyers. But I didn't know then was

that I was about to be embroiled in my very own brand battle. Within

hours of the story being broadcast, I was peppered with tweets and

e-mails telling me my pitch was being used in an advert by a company

I'd never even heard of. And here it is. The picture was pinched from the

TV programme I did a few years ago called Fake Britain. The firm hadn't

sought my permission. They claimed to help customers get a slice of a

government fund to help upgrade their home energy system. When we

checked with the government they hadn't even heard of this company or

that bumper energy fund. I'm happy to pose for the odd selfie, but

pinching my photo to promote a company making bogus claims... That

takes the biscuit! I need some expert advice on image rights. They

don't come more qualified than this man, lawyer to the stars, Mark

Stevens. This is falsely representing that you approve of

this service and product. And of course, that's not true. What can I

do about it? There is a law called passing of which is where someone

fulsomely you with something you don't approve of. In those

circumstances the law will allow you to sue them for damages. Would you

like to represent me? I'd love to, I'm not sure you can afford me

though! We all know celebrity endorsements carry a lot of clout.

But how far can we push it? We'll be unsuspecting public in Bournemouth

be swayed by a famous face, even when the product on offer is

rubbish? We've set up two refreshment stands on the seafront

in Bournemouth. One manned by our researcher who will be giving away

premium quality laminate that isn't endorsed by me. The other with my

grinning face all over it will be shifting Littlewood Aid, a squeeze

of lemon in tepid tap water. It's all free but which one will be more

popular? Free Littlewood Aid! It tastes like water with lemon in.

It's not real lemonade. I we disappointed? Yes! Why did you come

to my stand as opposed to that one? I recognise you from telly and you

look honest. I thought it'd be honest lemonade. It seems people are

swayed by seeing a familiar face, even mine! It's pretty clear the UK

heating incentive used my picture to mislead. A quick clip online shows

customers are also concerned about what the firm claims to offer. We

wrote a letter to the boss of UK Heating Incentive, Colin Wilson. He

signed for our letter but didn't bother replying, so I'm going to pay

him a visit. Colin lives in this block of flats in Bournemouth. Let's

see if he's in. Mr Wilson? It's Dominic Littlewood from The One

Show. I've got some questions for you. It seems like nobody wants to

answer the door. Let's try giving him a ring. What a surprise. It

seems his phone has been disconnected. You've been a very

naughty boy, Mr Wilson. Don't worry, I've got a present for you. A

reminder of me, in case he's forgotten. Colin, you can't use this

in any of your adverts! And here's a glass of my Littlewood Aid. Unlike

my lame lemonade drink, I'm not bitter! Just time to say good luck

with Harry Hill's Tea Time. Susan, good luck with the tour. Lovely

teeth! Tomorrow we'll have Judge Rinder but here performing this from

their new album, it's Madness! # Woe betide you if you

wander from God's plan # Square shouldered,

straight as a die # The righteous truth,

he never tell you no lies # He's heading off up

the wrong side of town # Head of the table

at the Rotary club # Never unsure of which

shoulders he should rub # Heading off under

the wrong side of town # You're gonna do, you're

gonna do yourself in # You're gonna do, you're

gonna do yourself in Hello, I'm Sangita Myska

with your 90 second update.