Dexter's Dad 4 O'Clock Club

# Where d'you go when you know nobody can understand you?

# When it's just too much to handle

# What d'you do when you end up somewhere you never planned to?

# Washed out, stressed out like it was shampoo

# You should stay

# It can change

# There's good days and bad days

# But one day down the line it's time sure to stop

# So the only time is now, four o'clock. #

Josh, are you sure your mum doesn't mind us doing this indoors?

Oh, yeah, like, my mum totally loves Mexico.

All right, get ready...

Do a couple of spins, though. No cheating.

Keep going...

All right, stop!

Yeah, there.

-You ready?

-Yeah.

-All right, go for it.

-Ugh!

Left a bit... Little bit more.

Oh, go on, Pedro, really go for it. Put your back into it.

Oh, man, I've got to video this.

Ugh!

Ooh... No. Right a bit. Oh!

-What are you doing?

-I was feeling a bit homesick.

And your mum said I could do whatever I wanted

to make myself feel more at home.

You painted the back of my door!

-It's just a door.

-Mate, my height chart used to be on there!

Mum's been doing that ever since I was a little kid.

Right. Well, let's make a new height chart.

Oops.

My... My garms, man! Look what you've done! They're ruined!

Ohh!

Wait...

Yeah!

Ho-ho!

Oh...

I'm sorry, man. Er...

I didn't mean...

to... to...

Ohh...

Oh...

Hmm.

So you got your revenge.

Shouldn't you leave it there?

This isn't about revenge. That's my room.

This is about getting back what's mine.

And I've just got to wait for the perfect opportunity

-to drop in my lap.

-Josh!

I understand how upset you must be. I know I messed up, and I'm sorry.

Show me how sorry you are.

Move out of my room.

I can't do that.

-Nice shorts, sir!

-And matching socks, sir! Well done.

THEY LAUGH

Did your gran knit that for you, sir?

Or did you just find it in a skip?

THEY LAUGH

Silence! All of you! You'll show the teaching staff more respect.

I had a little accident, sir.

All my other clothes got paint on them.

Mr Harris will host a very special detention for you all tonight.

-Will I?

-They urgently need to learn respect for others.

Um... I didn't disrespect him, sir. I actually think it's quite nice.

-Then you shall have a detention for arguing with me.

-Ohh!

And for lying.

You'll all report to the school allotment at four o'clock.

Let's see if we can't use some of this agriculture

to rid us of this aggro culture.

Ha! I like what you did there, sir.

I...

BELL RINGS

I think being outside is well stupid.

There isn't even a roof or anything.

Yeah, it is a garden. They tend to work best outside.

Who made you the expert?

The only flowers you know about are the ones on the grave you live in.

And this is exactly why we need to learn respect for others.

-Everyone grab a trowel and a pot. And let's get planting.

-Um...

Sir, I have a slight phobia of worms. Can I do something else?

This is non-negotiable.

But worms are weird. They're like unpredictable spaghetti.

Ryan. Get on with it.

Everyone pick a spot in the bed and start digging.

Treat your plant with care. With consideration. With respect.

You seem to talk an awful lot about respect

for someone who doesn't know what it means.

Josh, I didn't rent your room to get at you.

I just needed a place to stay.

Spoken like a man who's not sleeping on a camping bed in the living room.

-Earworm!

-Oi!

Oi, you crushed my plant, you cake of pants!

-Sorry!

-Ryan!

Molly! What are you doing?!

-I meant to get him.

-Mud fight!

-Hey! Cut that out! That's enough!

Ahh!

Urgh! Beetle!

What is going on out here?!

LAUGHTER

YOU were meant to be supervising them.

I was momentarily distracted, sir, with another issue.

Those... children are out of control.

I take full responsibility. It won't happen again.

I'm putting you under special monitoring until the end of term.

We need to ensure you're capable of controlling a class.

And in the meantime, we have no option but to exclude

those students responsible for this latest incident.

You're going to exclude them?! Sir, you can't.

Please, I beg you, give me a chance.

I know I can teach them some respect.

OK.

But you'd better prove to me you're up to this, Haggis.

Harris, sir. It's Harris.

(Ooh...)

You'll have to tell them to shape up or risk being thrown out of school.

They're under enough pressure. I know what pressure's like.

-It can make a person crack.

-I don't see that you have much choice.

-I need to find a way to teach them to respect others.

-Do it quick.

Cos if they mess up Bell's precious head teacher conference,

-he's likely to go triple nuclear.

-Wait...

What head teacher conference?

'Harris speaking.'

Hi, Dad. It's me.

'How are things?'

I'm having my dinner, Dexter.

Sorry... Would you like me to call back later?

'No, no, no, no.'

It's fine. I can reheat it.

'What's on your mind?'

Er... Listen, I know it's a long shot, but I wanted to check -

have you heard about the head teachers' conference

-'at Elmsbury this week?'

-I hadn't, no.

So you won't be coming, then?

Well, I wasn't... but now that I know about it,

'perhaps I will.'

No, I wasn't actually inv...

'I'll call your school office first thing tomorrow.'

No. You don't have to come just for me.

I mean, in some ways it might be better if you don't.

'Dexter.'

Be a little more proud of your achievements.

I mean, look at you - assistant head teacher.

'Actually, Dad, I'm assistant to...'

'I know Elmsbury isn't exactly a top school,

'and there weren't many other candidates, but...'

Yup. That's me, Dad. Assistant head teacher.

And I so can't wait for you to see me in action.

'Great.' HE HANGS UP

Bye...

-RAPS:

-# Hmm...the plot thickens.

# I like little white lies but Dexter's got bigguns

# Telling his dad that he's running the shop

# But he's a flop trying to be something he's not

# Now the risky bit is showing who he really is

# Call it confirmation of his status as an idiot

# So, Mr Goody-Goody has a dark secret

# Question now is if I can or can't keep it

# Cos Flopper Harris just made himself a target

# How can I use all this to my advantage

# How can I punish this buffoon for being too slack?

# Maybe I can use what I know to get my room back

# When you're playing with them white lies, white lies

# Whoa

# Hope you're playing with the right guys, right guys

# Oh shame, can't beat me at my own game.

# No way

# Dad's gonna visit

# One glimpse of me at Elmsbury and I'm finished

# Little white lies

# Wow, how they grow

# Now mine have spiralled out of control

# Never been able to talk to Dad properly

# I just wanna feel proud, dunno what's stopping me

# Ever since the early days of my boyhood

# I always felt like a big disappointment

# All I want is for him to respect me

# But I'm just a trainee, nothing like a Deputy Head

# And I regret everything I said

# Now it's too late, guess I've made my bed

# When you're playing with them white lies, white lies

# Whoa

# Hope you're playing with the right guys, right guys

# I'm mad, why'm I playing with my dad? #

BELL RINGS

This is a baby.

No, sir, that's a bag of flour.

Well, maybe there's a baby inside it. You know, like a prize.

In fact, it's Zoe-Marie's baby.

You what?! What you saying?!

And Ryan is the father.

What?

Oh, yeah.

I can see the family resemblance.

Congratulations, man.

What... What's going on?

You'll be paired into couples and given a flour baby each.

You'll be expected to look after it for one week

as if it were a real baby.

Can I do mine as if it were a real baby monkey instead?

Attached to each bag will be one of these alarms,

-which will go off at random.

-ALARM RINGS

Don't think about taking the batteries out -

I've already glued them in.

You'll also be expected to keep a diary of your parenting.

This is worse than potato salad.

Look, Mr Bell wasn't impressed by yesterday.

So just trust me when I say I'm doing this for your own good.

Did he threaten to suspend us?

I never said that.

He threatened to suspend us.

Exclude us, more like.

But he won't if we look after bags of flour?

These may just be bags of flour,

but I want you to think of them as your children.

Your child will rely on you treating it well,

on you respecting its wants and needs.

So listen to what your child is telling you.

So, we've got Zoe-Marie and Ryan...

Agness and Josh...

Ash and Molly...

Shenaia and Lee...

And Darius -

as a single parent.

Wait, why do I have to be on my own?

Why can't I be a single parent?

Agness!

This is our baby.

Don't take him away from me.

-It's a her, not a he.

-Technically, it's neither.

I just want to be a good father, you know, do my bit.

Take him to parks with the boys,

test my new music on it,

leave him on buses...

You're not coming within five feet of this child.

Deal.

-You're looking after our thing tonight.

-Don't I get a say?

I'm not staying up with that thing going off every five minutes.

If I don't get enough sleep, I get daymares.

Listen to me - we all need to make this work.

-Especially with the school full of head teachers this week.

-Whee!

-Ash, you're going to drop it.

-It's all right. My dad never dropped me.

You idiot, Ash.

I've had about twelve minutes' sleep.

The stupid baby alarm went off the entire night.

I had a great night's sleep.

I had this wicked dream that there was an intergalactic battle

between zombies and mutant baby monkeys.

-Yeah, cheers for the sympathy.

-Oi! Don't treat it like that!

You want us to get into trouble with Ding-Dong?

If you don't like the way I treat it, you look after it for a change.

-Just had my nails done. I'd rip it.

-I can't deal with it any more.

-How much work can a bag of flour be?

-These are bags of flour from hell.

At least my brothers and sisters

don't start buzzing every 20 minutes.

-BUZZER

-Shut it up!

Oi! Don't speak to Ashley Junior like that.

There there.

-It's all right...

-This is a nightmare.

You're looking sharp today, Dex.

If I didn't know any better I'd think you'd be impressing a girl.

Or someone else. Come on. You can tell me.

It's Mr Harris here, Josh.

We can't start confusing school with home.

Ah, yeah! That'd be very confusing.

I dunno...a living room with a bedroom...

Sorry. Got to go.

Hello. Welcome to Elmsbury.

Elliot Harris. Westbeech Secondary.

Crispin Bell. Elmsbury Academy.

Hello there. Welcome.

My son's told me a lot about this place.

Oh?

Is he a student here?

He's your assistant head teacher.

My assistant head?

Dexter.

Dexter...?

-Harris?

-Harris.

Is my assistant head teacher...?

Dad!

Hello, Mr Bell. Did I not mention that my dad's a head teacher too?

In fact, he used to be my head teacher.

Fascinating.

Tell me, how did such a new teacher become assistant head so quickly?

Yes.

Why don't you enlighten us all?

Ahh...

What?

Er...assistant head?

Ah...

No. See...the thing is, there's been some confusion here.

What I said was, I'm assistant TO the head teacher.

As in, I assist Mr Bell, as do all the teachers here at Elmsbury.

So, in a way, we're all assistant head teachers.

Sort of.

Fancy a quick tour of the school?

The music room's just up here.

-Mr Harris.

-Josh!

-Music room's just through here, Dad.

-OK.

-This is your dad?

What's your dad doing here?

He's here for the head teachers' conference.

Oh. Well, in that case, let me just say

your son is a pretty rocking assistant head teacher.

I thought you were assistant TO the head teacher?

Josh is confused. And I'm sure he should be somewhere else right now.

Ah, I remember the day that he actually got the job. Big ceremony.

-You never mentioned that, Dexter.

-Um...

-No.

-There were balloons.

Even this cake with icing that said, "To Dexter Harris,

"Many congratulations on becoming the assistant head teacher

"of Elmsbury Academy".

It was a big cake.

Anyway, off you go, Josh.

All right, I'll see you in the Four O'Clock Club, Mr Harris, sir.

-What's the Four O'Clock Club?

-Oh, the Four O'Clock Club?

Well, um...

It's like a society for gifted and talented students.

Your son here is the man in charge.

Yeah, we go there to inspire ourselves on how to work well.

You should see him in action. He's, like...

Like the Usain Bolt of the teaching world.

I'd like that.

Maybe later, Dexter?

Yes. Definitely. Later.

Anyhow, I should be getting off to that conference.

-Yes. Bye, dad.

-See you later.

Enjoy!

What do you think you're doing?

You're the one that told him you're assistant head.

Yeah - I heard everything.

Look, that was a misunderstanding that...sort of snowballed.

And you just made it a million times worse.

Well, I guess I could help you...

You'd help me?

-For a price. I want my room back.

-Never going to happen.

Good luck digging yourself out of that hole, man.

You think you can convince him the Four O'Clock Club

-is a society for high achievers?

-If anyone can do it, it's Josh Carter.

Um... OK. If I let you do this, you can have your room back for a week.

-Three.

-Two.

Deal.

ALARM RINGS

I'm never having kids.

If I ever have a baby, it's on its own.

So you want a self-raising flour baby?

No?

Oh, come on, that's a really good one.

Yo.

How's everyone doing? Parenthood treating you all right?

-I think my baby hates me.

-I hope you've been having fun

while I've been stuck here minding our baby.

Actually, that's what I came here to talk about. Um...

How would you guys like it if I did you all a favour,

and just took your flour babies for tonight?

I'm in.

-Me too.

-Yeah, me three.

Wait. What's the catch?

Yeah, since when have you ever done anything for nothing?

Actually, I'm glad you asked.

So, what exactly goes on in this Four O'Clock Club of yours?

We're about to find out.

"They flash upon that inward eye

"which is the bliss of solitude

"And then my heart with pleasure fills

"And dances with the...

"daffodils..?"

APPLAUSE

Bravo, Ashley. What a moving reading.

Brought a tear to one's delicate eye-hole.

Who next to engage the group with some cultural nourishment?

I would like to play a short piece that I've composed.

Oh, what? Cello?

I mean...

Cello! Yay!

I call this Lament In D Minor.

CELLO PLAYS MOURNFULLY

So, what do you think of the Four O'Clock Club, Mr Harris?

Well, it's not quite what I was expecting.

Isn't it?

But...

Overall...yes.

Well done, Dexter. Most encouraging.

HE MOUTHS

ALARM RINGS

SEVERAL ALARMS RING

ALARMS RING AGAIN

No...

Shut up.

ALARM RINGS

Shut up!

Shut up!!

Where is he?

-What have you done to our babies?

-I dropped them.

-You dropped them?!

-Look, I'm exhausted, ok?

I've had so little sleep that I can barely see straight.

You are so irresponsible, Josh Carter. My poor baby.

What has the nasty man done to you?

What's he done to her?

Morning, everyone!

How are the kids?

Only joking. Beautiful day, ain't it?

Awesome! Joshmeister, have you got a sec?

What now?

All right, buddy? You look a bit tired.

-Yeah, I didn't get much sleep.

-I'm sorry to hear that.

I reckon I had the best night's sleep in years.

Who'd have thought a camp bed would be so comfy?

Maybe you can sleep there a bit longer.

That's exactly what I wanted to talk to you about. I need another favour.

-Go on.

-Well, I was talking to Dad, and I kind of - slightly -

overstated the truth again.

What lie did you tell this time, Dexter?

-I told him I was teacher of the year.

-What?!

It just slipped out. Could you help me maintain the untruth?

No! I'm not your lie-pony!

Dexter!

I'm heading into the conference now.

-Are we still on for dinner tonight?

-Yup.

-Splendid.

Mr Harris!

Dexter was just telling me about how proud you are

that he got teacher of the year.

-Indeed I am.

-I was thinking that he should make a speech

-at the head teachers' conference today.

-What an interesting idea.

I think it would be good for him to let all those...head teachers...

know how it is to be teacher of the year and assistant head.

Good thinking, young man.

I'll arrange it with Mr Bell.

Where are we even going? We'll get in trouble if we're caught.

Look, Ryan, this will be worth any amount of trouble.

I can't be too long. I left the baby with Molly.

It'll be covered in black lip gloss before I get back.

Why are you getting so deep

into Dexter's stupid flour baby thing anyway?

Hey - there is nothing stupid about Ashley Junior.

Yeah, I think the flour baby stuff's great.

Beats some of the other stuff we've done in detention.

Um... Shouldn't you lot be in lessons?

We're...on an errand.

Who for?

-Miss Andress.

-Mr Harris.

Well, which one is it?

All of them..?

OK, so we're really going to see Dexter make a pineapple of himself.

And how exactly is Dexter going to make a pineapple of himself?

Well, he's making a speech at the head teachers' conference,

and he's going to try and say that he's teacher of the year.

And assistant head. You'd want to see that, right?

Look, I don't know what's going on here,

but you need to treat Dexter better, Josh.

He puts his neck on the line for you lot all the time. Take this week.

You would all have been excluded if he hadn't stood up to Bell.

Just get to lessons.

# I think I underestimated the guy I feel bad

# I never knew how much pressure he felt from his dad

# And I gotta respect that

# Cos I know anytime I cross my parent

# I'm flirting with a death trap

# Now I don't think that I can go stand round

# Doing nothing while he lets his old man down

# In the end Dexter's good at what he does

# Good enough for any dad to wanna make a fuss

# The guy's got a kinda strange type power

# How do you get kids to care about flour?

# He took a wild bunch and turned 'em to carers

# Dude made Darius a nurturing parent

# Gotta hand it to Dexter

# He stuck out his neck to save and protect us

# So let's get the strong guy in him to come back

# And I'll be the first to cut the man some slack

# Days like these gotta puff out your chest

# Do what you feel is right or what's best

# But make it from the heart although it might hurt

# And find the right words, find the right words

# Days like these gotta puff out your chest

# Do what you feel is right or what's best

# But make it from the heart although it might hurt

# And find the right words, find the right words

# Now what the heck do I do

# I should probably own up, let loose the truth

# But I can't just say it like that

# Without revealing that I've been lying to my dad

# Could lose my job and his respect forever

# Now I have to speak to a room of heads together

# Every one of those faces seems like him

# And I've got no skills for speech-writing, but...

# Days like these gotta puff out your chest

# Do what you feel is right or what's best

# But make it from the heart although it might hurt

# And find the right words, find the right words

# Days like these gotta puff out your chest

# Do what you feel is right or what's best

# But make it from the heart, although it might hurt

# And find the right words, find the right words.

# Find the right words, find the right words. #

MOUTHS WORDS

MICROPHONE FEEDBACK

Hello.

I'm, er...

Dexter Harris.

And...

I'd like to take this opportunity to clear up a little misunderstanding.

And, er, um...

And I'm Josh Carter, a student here at Elmsbury Academy.

Mr Harris wanted me to say a few words

straight from a student's perspective. Ain't that right, sir?

That's right.

Josh is going to say a few words.

CLEARS HIS THROAT

So basically, what I wanted to say is...

growing up's hard, innit?

And having to go to school whilst you're growing up

should be made illegal.

LAUGHTER

So cut your kids some slack, man.

They're being the best that they can.

Listen to what they want.

I mean, they deserve to be respected for who and what they are,

rather than what you want them to be.

Cos I'm telling you,

if you don't give your kid the respect they deserve,

they're going to lie and rebel,

and pretend to be something they're not, just to impress you.

And that is all that I have to say.

Peace out.

APPLAUSE

Thank you, Josh.

And...

Josh's words lead me on to my topic, which is respect...

So, thank you all for listening.

APPLAUSE

Why did you help me out?

Cos we're not really too different, Dexter.

We both got role models to live up to.

We're both homesick, and we both like expressing ourselves.

-Sorry I painted the door.

-It's just a door.

No, it's your door, and it's your room.

I should've thought about that before I muscled my way in there.

What exactly was that out there, Harris?

This conference wasn't arranged so you could get a student on stage

to deliver some hippy-drippy sentiment about loving one another.

No, not one another. Just treating kids with respect.

I half expected you to release white doves into the hall,

or shower the audience with petals.

-And being on report, you should have...

-Great speech, Dexter.

Wonderful sentiment.

-I'm very proud of my son.

-Really? I...

I'm glad we've impressed you.

Yes, great speech, Dexter.

Well done.

Dad, there's something I have to say.

That speech was just...

I'm not teacher of the year.

I'm...not assistant head teacher, and...

I'm not even in charge of a club for high achievers.

Yes, I'm quite aware of all of that.

Since when?

I had my suspicions all along, Dexter.

I don't have to tell you that

getting the students to lie for you was wrong, do I?

JOSH CHUCKLES Oh, he knows that.

But I also know you must've been pretty desperate to do it. And...

I take some responsibility for that.

I really am proud of who you are, Dexter.

Honestly, I am.

Thanks, Dad.

So... Why don't you come and show me this Four O'Clock Club of yours

as it really is?

-OK, but brace yourself.

-Yeah, it ain't likely to be pretty.

CLEARS HIS THROAT

Isn't, Dexter.

The appropriate contraction of "is not" is "isn't."

Yes, Dad. Sorry, Dad.

Come on.

Well done.

Well done.

-Hello, sir.

-Hey, Ryan.

Sorry, what are you all doing?

Is this like a calm before the storm thing?

What are you saying? Why d'you expect us to be doing something wrong?

We can't do anything or something might happen to the little fellas.

This is the best thing you ever got us to do, sir.

Yeah, do we have to give the babies back at the end of the week?

Look what me and Molly did with ours. We call him...

..Cakey.

No! I said we're not calling him that.

It's Muffin or nothin'.

# Days like these gotta puff out your chest

# Do what you feel is right or what's best

# But make it from the heart although it might hurt

# And find the right words, find the right words

# Days like these gotta puff out your chest

# Do what you feel is right or what's best

# But make it from the heart although it might hurt

# Find the right words, find the right words. #

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